Flipping Cats Doctors

I'd kill for an ice cream.

Ooh! You don't have to.

There's one in the freezer with your name on it.

Heston bought ice creams for everyone the other day.

Good old Heston.

-Oh, it's gone!

-Yeah, I had that.

-That was mine!

-Was it? Shame. It was nice.

Idiot.

Greedy idiot.

You know, you're the opposite of Heston, you are.

-Am I?

-Yes. He'd never take the last ice cream.

And he's polite, and funny, and generous.

-Is he?

-Well, he is at the moment.

-Where is Heston anyway?

-Day off.

So he should be here buying us ice creams,

and making us laugh, instead we're stuck here with you.

-And on that note, see you later.

-Where are you going?

Lunch. Why?

Pick us up some ice creams.

Why would I want to do that?

Because you took mine and I'm paying - later -

and if you don't, I won't invite you to the party.

What party?

I'm going to have an ice cream party in my room later.

If anyone's interested?

-I am.

-Me. Al?

Erm, no. I don't really like ice cream.

You party pooper!

That's me. One big pooper.

So, anyway all we need now is for Kevin to go to the shops

and get ice creams.

Fine!

Excellent.

Mint choc, Cornetto. Off you pop!

-What's up with Al?

-What do you mean?

He normally loves ice cream.

So, Toni, how's the dancing going?

Great, thanks.

Our instructor thinks there's a chance that Daniel and I could win next week.

-Get you!

-I know!

He says you just need to focus on what you want, and then go for it.

Easier said than done.

-Hmm?

-Nothing.

# Summertime

# And the livin' is easy

# Fish are jumpin'

# And the cotton is high

# Oh, your daddy's rich... #

CAR ENGINE STARTS

# And your ma is good looking

# So hush little baby

# Don't you cry... #

What?

Buy us an ice cream.

No.

Are you on duty?

Yes.

What?

Quiet day?

It was before you turned up.

What's the "S" for?

"Special".

Are you a real police officer?

Yes.

Really?

I'm a trained professional.

Do you get paid?

No.

You're not professional, then.

Are they real handcuffs?

-Yes!

-I bet they're not.

-They are!

-Let me see them, then.

No.

That's because they're not real.

# One of these mornings

# You're gonna rise up singin'

# Yes you'll spread your wings

# And you'll take to the skies... #

DOORBELL RINGS

Yes, although it seems quiet at the moment, actually it's not.

It seems pretty quiet.

Yes. I grant it's quiet now, but all it takes is one call and

I could be at the forefront of a major incident.

I've got to be prepared. That is what I am doing. Waiting. Poised. Ready for action.

You've dropped a bit on your trousers.

Oh!

Oh!

VOICE ON POLICE RADIO

Erm, 7514.

Location, Sarge?

Well, currently I'm patrolling Letherbridge Park.

What was that you say? "Cat"?

A missing cat? You having a joke, Sarge?

Yes, you're absolutely right, Sir. Yeah. OK. What are the details?

Mrs Barberry.

11 Chesney Close.

Right, OK, leave that with me.

OK.

Got your call, then.

Yes. Nice talking to you...?

-Archie.

-Archie. Have a good day, Archie.

-What are you doing?

-I'm coming with you.

-No, you're not.

-We can be partners. I won't want paying or anything.

Just buy us an ice cream at the end of the day.

-It's police business!

-You're looking for a cat.

It's police business.

Where are you going? Chesney Close is this way.

How do you know?

I live there.

Oi! Wait for me!

Heston?

Heston.

Heston!

Kevin?

What are you doing here?

I bought you a peace offering.

A peace offering?

Ice cream!

Ice cream?!

I didn't know I asked for ice cream?

I didn't either. But it's sunny, I was passing by and I thought...

Thank you.

Oh! Hello. What are you doing here, Archie?

-I'm on police business.

-Are you?

Yes. I believe you've lost a cat?

I have. Sandra.

She's been gone three days now.

Three days. That's quite a while.

-It is, I'm very worried.

-You must be.

-She never misses a meal usually.

-Mrs Barberry?

-Hello, Officer.

I'm here about your cat.

You too? Oh. How lovely.

This is my partner. He's Special.

-Is he?

-He's not my partner. You're not my partner!

Sorry about this, Mrs Barberry. We just met in the park.

He was eating an ice cream. Weren't you, partner?

You're not my partner!

Mrs Barberry, would you like my assistance in the search for Sandra?

Two detectives! What a smashing idea!

Would you like to come in for some iced tea?

You look very hot.

-I...

-Yes, please.

-Come on, then.

I'm not normally a fan of mint choc chip.

But that's not bad. You not having one?

Saving myself.

For?

Niamh's ice cream party.

Yeah, I know.

Well, thanks. I enjoyed that.

How come you're still in your pyjamas?

It's my day off. Taking it easy.

It's past lunchtime, that's taking it really easy!

I know. I know.

I wasn't expecting visitors. Such a beautiful day.

But you're right, I should get dressed.

Actually, I'm quite parched. I could do with a drink?

Of course.

These ice creams could do with a few minutes in the freezer as well.

If you don't mind?

Ooh. Emma?

Gold-eeque!

I know, I know, daytime shopping is the devil's work. Blah blah.

What is more interesting to me is, what do you want?

I want to see you. And I brought you chocolates.

Let's forget about the chocolates, shall we?

I asked you a question.

What?

I've been talking to Mandy.

Oliver or Al? Decision time.

-Emma!

-Come on. Do you fancy Al?

La, la, la...

Or do you fancy Oliver?

La, la, la, la... I'm not answering this question.

Your problem is you have no focus. Everybody needs to have a goal.

Look at me, my goal is to get back on two feet.

-I'm desperate to do it.

-I'm not desperate for anything!

Everybody's desperate for something.

I'm not.

I'm not!

You're infuriating!

Al isn't interested, he's made that very clear.

Oliver is smooth and calm, not very funny sometimes.

But sense of humour isn't everything and you have to make compromises as you get older.

-Shut up, you're babbling.

-Right.

No way!

I've reported her missing for three days in a row now.

And nobody came out to see you?

No. They won't even give me a crime number.

Departmental cutbacks.

They're not paying some of us.

Now, Mrs Barberry...

Please, detective, call me Grace.

Well, actually I'm not a de... It doesn't matter.

Grace, in my opinion, I believe that your cat...

-Sandra.

-Sandra has probably just wandered off and she will come back when she's ready.

Detective, Sandra does not "wander off".

In 11 years she has not "wandered off" once.

I need you to take this seriously. Do you hear?

-Yes.

-Good.

Because I've got a serious suspicion that Sandra has been flipped.

I beg your pardon?

You do know what "flipping" is, don't you?

Of course.

He hasn't a clue.

Looks?

Oliver.

Personal hygiene?

I don't know!

What does Oliver smell of?

Fresh. Like cut grass. I think it's his aftershave.

Al?

Homely? Slightly damp? A twinge of curry.

I'm putting "Oliver". Hair?

Al.

-Brains?

-Draw.

Car?

Bit shallow.

Car?

Oliver.

Body?

Oliver...?

No, Al. I don't know. Pass!

You're not allowed to pass.

-It's my list, I can do what I want.

-My game, my rules.

It's not right. You can't reduce people to a list of bullet points.

You can, and we are.

Right. Close your eyes.

Close your eyes!

OK.

Now visualise that it's a hot Sunday morning.

The sun is streaming in across the bed.

OK.

Someone is lying next to you, can you see it?

I can.

His arm is gently draped across your body.

He starts to kiss the back of your neck.

Can you feel it?

I can.

You turn to look at him.

I do.

Who is it?

Michael Fassbender.

Sorry.

Some criminals steal things then move them on quickly for profit.

Most of these, but not all of them, have been flipped.

It's a worldwide epidemic.

Cat and dog theft was up 20% last year.

Somebody tried to grab Paris Hilton's Chihuahua.

HE CHOKES

Sorry about that.

Look. I understand your theory and in my professional...

In my opinion, I don't think the cat has been targeted by criminals.

-Why not?

-Well, I just don't think anybody would want to "flip" her.

Why not?

Look.

-She's not worth much, is she?

-She's worth a lot to me.

-She's all I have in the world.

-Grace, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean...

I can understand that she's worth a lot to you

but I don't think she'd be worth a lot to the criminals.

I'm sure she's gone off for a wander

and she'll come back when she's good and ready.

I think the chances of her turning up on a website like that

are a million to one.

But if she does, we'll be round here in a flash.

We'd investigate, like that.

-It's her!

-Sorry?

Look...

GRACE GASPS

That's Sandra. That's her!

Are we going in the squad car then?

There is no we! And look! There is no squad car.

I'm walking. You should go home and let your mum know where you are.

-I can't.

-Why not?!

My mum's dead.

Right. Well, you should let your dad know where you are.

He'll be worried about you.

Dad, I'm off with this police officer to solve a crime, OK?

OK, son. See you later.

She's in Ireland.

-Who?

-My cleaner.

Every year she goes for three weeks to visit her family.

Every year this happens.

I try and keep on top of it, but if I'm honest,

I quite enjoy letting it go.

It's liberating.

I'm the same. Well, sometimes.

I don't have a cleaner though.

You should get one! It will transform your life.

-Yeah?

-Yes! It'll free you up to do other things.

-Like sunbathing in your pyjamas!

-Yes. Like that.

I know why you're here.

You do?

You're checking up on me.

Am I?

You're very kind. I told you my thoughts yesterday.

Nothing's changed since then.

I admire your perseverance but look at me, I'm fine.

Really.

A detective, a psychiatrist, Mo Farah,

and er, oh, yeah, Mr Hyde from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

No-one messes with Hyde!

-That's a lot of aspirations.

-I have big dreams.

What about your mates? We used to love the summer holidays.

Messing about on our bikes all day long.

We used to get up to loads of mischief.

-I don't have a bike.

-You need a hobby.

-I've got a hobby.

-What?

I'm training to be a runner. That's what I was doing in the park.

A good start. Fitness is important. I like to keep myself trim.

-What?

-In your day, maybe. Now?

If a group of kids were chasing you, you'd never get away.

Do kids chase you?

Sometimes. They never catch me. I'm like Mo. Fast.

Watch.

Hold up!

She's really settled in.

She's very popular.

-I like her wacky sense of humour.

-She is definitely out there.

Gives me a run for my money!

An ice cream party? What is that?!

-I've got just the thing.

-For what?

Niamh's ice cream party.

It can't be right!

The list doesn't lie. 12 to 4.

Cheer up. At least you know.

-Oliver's your man.

-Al has nicer eyes though.

"Nice" doesn't cut it in the long run. Trust me.

They're not in. And they're not answering the phone.

-They've done a runner.

-What are you doing?! Get out of there!

-I'm scoping it out.

-Private property!

-Look behind the tree.

-Freeze.

Come on, Sandra. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...

Get her!

MUSIC: "In The Summertime" by Mungo Jerry

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Go round the other side of the pool. Cut her off.

Move slowly now...

That cat's going nowhere.

Don't let her run through your legs this time.

Do I look like an idiot?

Come on, Sandra.

CAT MEOWS Damn it.

Oh, no!

"Good with cats."

I bet I can climb the tree faster than you.

Nobody's climbing that tree.

Chicken.

MUSIC: "In The Summertime" by Mungo Jerry

Come on.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Apart from the fall!

Ignore him, Sandra. Come on.

CAT MEOWS

HE GROANS

BANG

HESTON SCREAMS

Heston? Are you OK?

Have you hurt yourself? Let me help?

You can go. That's how you can help.

I'm not going to leave you like this.

Get out of my house! I don't want you here.

-Not until you tell me what's going on.

-You came into my garden.

And I fell over trying to get you cocktail umbrellas!

That's what's going on.

-The wrong cat!

-Apparently.

-She wasn't a criminal.

-Apparently not.

Why did she put her cat up for sale then?

-She's developed allergies.

-Oh.

Yes, "Oh." She was intrigued to why she found me

laid on my back underneath a tree.

-We were trying to rescue her cat.

-That's what I told her.

Did you tell her that you ripped your trousers?

That didn't come up into conversation.

My mum has allergies.

-I thought you said your mum was dead?

-Oh.

I was in the garden because...it looked nice. Calm.

I wanted calm and nice. I didn't want to be in here.

Why?

I can't escape in here.

Escape what?

This.

What have we become?

Nothing unless you sort out your core and hips.

You leave my core and hips out of it.

-Hello. Rehearsals going well.

-Good.

I haven't asked you.

Are you going to come and watch us in the competition?

Not my thing.

Niamh's having a silly ice cream party. Do you want to come?

Again, not my thing.

I was moving the things around.

I didn't know. I saw it on the CCTV.

-Sleep walking?

-No. I was fully clothed.

-I don't remember.

-At all?

OK. What else?

I hear things,

I'm exhausted, my hand shakes, I'm clumsy,

I fall off chairs.

What do you think it is?

A tumour.

Have you been getting headaches?

Not really.

Not really?

No.

-Any blackouts? Vomiting?

-All right, it's got to be something.

I'd rather it was that than...

..Alzheimer's.

-Would you really?

-Personally, yes.

Any family history of Alzheimer's?

No! But that doesn't mean you can't get it!

What would you tell your patient?

Not to jump to conclusions.

What tests have you had?

An MMSE. It came up clear.

What else?

Have you told your GP?

Then why are we having this conversation? Call them.

-I don't want to.

-You're private, aren't you?

You could have an appointment today.

I'll take you.

Call them.

She has episodes. A bit like Doctor Jekyll.

She goes to this place.

She stays there for a while until they fix her up.

She always comes back.

I want to be a psychiatrist and fix people like my mum up one day.

I mean, that is if the running doesn't work out, that is.

-Better lay off the ice creams then.

-Look who's talking.

Thanks.

You won't...?

Of course I won't. I'll pick you up at 6.30?

-You don't have to.

-I know.

Thanks.

We'll sort it out, Heston. Chin up, OK?

MUSIC: "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I decided not to cut my nose off.

-What?

-I've been in love with ice cream

since before I could eat solid foods.

So can I please come to your party?

-Of course. That'd be great.

-Excellent. Where is everyone?

She was in the shed. Silly puss.

I'm sorry to have wasted your time, detectives,

but there's more iced tea.

And a chocolate cake. Freshly baked!

I'm all right, thanks. And you weren't wasting our time.

INDISTINCT VOICE ON POLICE RADIO

7514.

OK.

All right, Sarge.

Off to save the world?

There's an alarm going off on the industrial estate around the corner.

Can you manage this one yourself? I want some cake.

I'll manage.

INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

I'm here to see Jimmi Clay?

You must be Isla. He's been expecting...

-Hey! There she is!

-Uncle Jimmi!

She's his keeper - and with her in here, we've got

an animal on the loose.

-The Siege of Letherbridge Castle...

-That was an invite, you idiot.

We'll make that decision if and when we decide it's appropriate.

You haven't got any evidence, have you?