The Good Copper Doctors

Welcome back.

Your texts you sent about your weird weekend gave me

serious LOLs.

I was out till two.

Can't have been dull, then!

Then I had a 10am flight this morning.

One coffee and I'm normal.

SHOUTS: Did you have a nice night, though?!

Yeah. Only had a few drinks early on.

Then I bumped into an ex-boyfriend.

Oh!

Vietnam flashbacks, you know... The horror.

But are you still on for tonight?

Yeah, if you're sure you can hack the pace?

Try me. What do you fancy doing?

Something we've never done before.

Erm...naked skiing?

No. That's your job for the afternoon. Think of something.

Feet.

SIREN BLARES

There he is.

I'll get him, Sarge.

I'll cut him off.

Stu?

Oh!

Oi!

Give me an excuse.

Don't like it when it's someone who fights back, do you?

You OK? Yeah.

I blinked. Can you do that again?

I'd want to see how the victim's doing, Sarge. Yeah.

You're under arrest.

I've been thinking that seeing as you're such a party girl, you could

choose what we do tonight.

Whatever's your pace is fine with me.

You suggesting I'm a lightweight?

I didn't say that.

Sounds like a gauntlet's been thrown down.

Oh, it is, as long as it's legal.

And no physical pain, please.

Whatever I decide, you can't protest or complain.

You have to go along with it.

As long as it's fun, deal.

OK. Off you go. I've some thinking to do.

SHE LAUGHS

She OK?

She banged her head when he pushed her down.

Let's get this animal into the system, eh?

Wouldn't want to be you, pal.

Let's do this strictly by the numbers.

We don't want to give his brief anything to latch on to. Absolutely.

So, you got something planned. Should I be worried?

No, I just hope you've brought plenty of cash

and don't mind gambling.

Gambling? We're going to go horse racing. No, it's too late.

You're going to take us to the dogs! The dogs!

I'm not saying a word. But we're going to get a drink first

cos you'll need some Dutch courage.

A casino! Are we going to a casino? Come on.

THEY SQUEAL

Oh, my God! Look at you. You look amazing.

Not too shabby yourself!

I want to dump this before we hit the town.

Pub first! Yeah.

By the numbers enough for you, Sarge?

Text book.

They could have used it to teach at police college.

Right, where to?

Don't mind. Let's just get out there.

Why don't we head out to West Letherbridge?

West Letherbridge?

I would have thought that's a bit leafy and sedate for your tastes.

Not a lot of street crime in the stockbroker belt.

Always good to let the movers and shakers see a police presence.

Makes them feel they're getting their tax pounds' worth. Does it?

Yeah, yeah, come on then, let's go.

I'd been in Newcastle ten years, the job was boring the backside

off me, then they put the word out for voluntary redundancies.

So I thought...

Don't want to be doing this for the next ten years?

Exactly. They didn't have to ask me twice.

But then, I realised, apart from the job, there was

nothing keeping me in Newcastle.

So I sold the flat, made a killing on it.

It was a beautiful flat.

I know, but...was it worth staying just for that?

So...here I am. New bike, whacked everything else in storage.

I'm spending six months riding around, visiting mates

and I'll see what sticks.

I don't know where my life's going...and it's great.

I couldn't be happier.

So gone on, how about you?

Well, I don't know where my life's going either.

But it's not so great.

Shall we dump the bike, get some serious dancing done?

I'll take this, Sarge. Can you run the checks?

Yep.

Can you step outside the car, please, sir?

Is there a problem? Can you step outside the car

and make your way to the pavement, please?

Thank you.

Do you want to come and sit in the back of the car, sir?

Are you serious? Sarge, I found this.

I'm guessing it's not washing powder.

Is this coke? I've never seen that before.

What's your name, sir?

Stuart James. I told you, I...

Do you know what it is?

It's not mine, I didn't put it there.

I am only going to talk to my lawyer.

But I will say this. I'm innocent.

Can you make your way to the car, please, sir?

Ah, OK, don't look now, but this is the pub quiz pub. Mm-hmm.

So what have you got planned?

You cannot be serious?

Oh, totally.

Bingo? Bingo!

No, I'm going to have you sectioned.

No-one will complain!

Give it a try, you might like it.

Bingo? It's tacky, pointless gambling.

Oh, and when we were talking about a casino earlier...

that's intelligent, classy gambling, full of...

points.

Have you ever done it before?

Of course not.

Then it fulfils the criteria.

Careful what you wish for, Mr Haskey!

He was arrested and cautioned. He's said nothing since then.

Sarge?

So you think it's cocaine?

We haven't had it tested yet, but we're confident it's cocaine.

All right, I'll take him.

What's your name?

I asked for your name, 7244.

You think I won't find out?

No. My name is Sergeant Hollins.

In you go.

Oh! Did I do something awful in a previous life?

This is karma, isn't it? Shut up!

Never been kissed, sweet 16!

Yes!

I put up with your quiz, you can put up with my bingo. Come on.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Thanks.

You're sounding a bit...out of sorts.

If you're not happy with your job... No, it's not that.

What is it?

Mondays. You know?

One solution to that.

Come on, up!

Come on!

PHONE RINGS

Tom? Yeah, go on.

He's chancing it.

All right, OK, I'll be down in a minute.

James wants to talk to me.

He says he has got information about a crime.

Yeah? Why don't I go?

Save you listening to him bleating on. You finish this.

Tell him to do one, Sarge.

He'll say anything to squirm out of this.

The likes of him and that mugger, they're not so different.

They think they've got some entitlement

and they can bully people. It's all right, he's not going to tell me

anything I haven't heard a thousand times before.

Anyway, gets me out of the paperwork.

Just to make it clear, I am here under protest.

You and me, number three.

Come on, it's not that bad.

The Lord Is My Shepherd,

23.

I know what your game is.

All right, so we had some...dodgy dates.

That's one way of putting it.

Number 34.

This really does take the biscuit. I mean, what do we even win?

There's cash prizes, vouchers and a keg of somebody's favourite beer!

I only need 28.

21, key of the door!

House! No!

Not the keg, not the keg. Stop it!

HE EXHALES IN RELIEF

Another game? I want that keg!

He planted those drugs. He fitted me up.

Really? Why didn't you say so when we arrested you?

Wasn't sure if you were part of it.

I'm still not 100%.

I'm having an affair with his wife.

Now, what are the chances of a cop just happening to

nick his wife's lover?

Do you think that we drive around with bags of drugs just in case

we need to fit somebody up?

Who clocked my speed? You? Stu?

Cos I wasn't speeding. What were you even doing there?

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen police

patrolling there.

You are making a serious allegation about an officer with

an unblemished record.

I have an unblemished record.

I've never been arrested, I've never used drugs.

Proves nothing. For all we know you could be dealing.

If I were you, I'd be careful what I said.

Anyway, the chances are,

if you put your hands up to it you'll get away with just a caution.

No. I can't take that risk.

I travel to the US for work.

I can't have a record. I might lose my job.

I want us to sort this out before I get lawyered up,

because I'll tell my lawyer everything.

Before it gets messy for him and you.

That's awfully considerate.

I feel for the guy. His marriage is falling apart.

He's made a bad judgment here.

How long's he known about the affair?

I don't know.

Did he even mention it?

So, you're guessing that he knows?

This makes it more than a guess. His wife's name's Kate.

How would I know that unless I'm telling the truth?

Take the caution and I'll release you.

She sent him a text, last week, by mistake.

Must have got her Stuarts mixed up.

I think that's how he found out.

You check his phone, you'll find the text.

Go snooping around in his mobile?

I understand that you lot want to stick together.

But unless you sort it, he's going to pay for this.

Don't go down with him.

I'm calling for my brief in an hour.

All right, that's enough.

You are going down.

I only need two numbers.

I just need two fat ladies.

Legs 11, ladies.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

I can't take much more of the cheese.

The cheese is part of the fun!

It is if you yourself are cheesy.

Moi?

Lucky seven.

Admit it. You're having a great time.

I'm having the best time.

Two fat ladies.

Yes! Yes! Me, me, me! House!

Yah! In your faces!

Keg. I pick the keg.

Thank you!

CHEERING

What did he want?

The usual. "I haven't done anything." Time-wasting.

This was a good collar, wasn't it?

Yeah. Course it was.

Just remind me, why did we go out there again?

I told you.

Crime doesn't just happen on the city centre and estates.

I was a bit of a class warrior when I was a teenager.

Never quite let it go.

As I said, he's just chancing it.

Hi! I'm Mandy.

Catriona.

I was wondering who was going to snap and come over.

I'm glad it was you.

You don't look the shy type.

Painfully shy! You out with your friend?

Helen? Yeah.

She's a mate from college. She's just visiting.

It's really noisy, I can hardly hear you.

Stuff talking. Let's dance!

OK.

Get in!

Can we finally say that the ghost of bad dates past are laid to rest?

Let's consider them laid.

I think we should quit while we're ahead.

Do you want one for the road?

Are you sure you don't want one more little game? Just a little one?

Go on. Yeah!

Di, I was wondering if you could help me at all.

Don't suppose you know of any cocaine gone walkabout recently?

On my watch? You are joking?

Perish the thought. Nothing at all?

Not walkabout exactly, but Friday. Nightclub.

Bloke got arrested after a fight. He had a couple of wraps on him.

One of the arresting officers seemed to think there were three

but only two got booked in.

Didn't make an issue of it, thinks he made a mistake.

Who were the officers?

Brian Miles and Stu Woods.

Hah! Brian Miles, eh? I always knew he needed his eyes tested. Cheers.

I'll catch you up.

I have to get home tonight.

Yeah, me too, I'm in work early.

Give me your number.

GIGGLING

Eugh, that's disgusting!

Morons.

What? What did you call me?

Yeah, keep moving. Go on. Bye-bye.

Forget about them. You've got a big decision to make. What?

Play it eager and call her as soon as you get in or play it cool

and make her wait a few days.

I'm going to play it cool.

Mandy, Mandy, I never knew you were such a sadist!

SCREAMING

Yeah. OK. Yeah, I'll see you later.

OK. Bye, love.

How is the missus?

Kate? She's fine.

Driving me round the bend but there you go.

That's her mission in life.

Just got summer out the way and already she's planning Christmas.

Trying to strong arm me into spending it with her sister.

Again.

Listen, I'm getting some chocolate for the road. You want?

No, thanks.

Wait a minute. Yeah, I will. Anything, I don't mind.

You haven't got very many games on there.

Cos I don't use it as an entertainment centre,

I use it to phone people.

I'm funny that way.

Can I have a word?

They just went for me.

But it was one of them driving.

She was totally in my face. It was sheer hate.

I mean, what did I do to deserve that?

Not a damn thing.

I think the bleeding's stopped.

Thanks. I feel OK, I need to go.

I've done what I can. I think we should call an ambulance.

No, no, I'll be all right.

I think a doctor needs to look at that. I said no.

There's police patrolling the area. We should call them.

Can you call the police, please?

Your customer was being attacked outside your door

and you just stood there.

I said, that was a hate crime!

Against one of your customers and you just did nothing?

Can you just call the police, please?

Catriona?

Catriona!

Did you get her number? No.

You're not going to get me to do your paperwork, are you, Sarge?

What?

Do you want to tell me what's going on?

Sarge?

The more I look at the Stuart James arrest, the more it stinks.

He's made a serious allegation.

I wasn't thrilled about doing this but I've looked through your phone

because I was trying to clear you.

I found a text from Kate that

wasn't meant for you.

I don't know what you're talking about... Don't lie to me!

Did Kate send a text to the wrong Stuart?

Yes. Oh!

If you wanted payback, why didn't you do it man to man

instead of risking your job and your future?

It's not payback. Then what is it?

Power. He's risking my family and my kids.

I wanted him to know that if he's going to muck around with

a copper's wife, he'd better watch his back.

He'll get the message and he'll take the caution.

I can imagine that this must be hard for you.

Really? You reckon?

Yes. I do. But you've gone too far.

You've backed him into a corner,

he's not going to take the caution because he might lose his job!

Right. Did you look him up in the PNC?

So you could track his car?

You idiot, you idiot, you've left a trail

and your wife's text has done the same.

You can't fight this now.

You really can't fight it, Stuart. The only thing

you can do is go to the Inspector and put your hands up to it.

There are mitigating circumstances, you might get away with a reprimand.

No. He needs to pay.

I think he's got the message.

Anyway, he's bluffing. He's married too.

He doesn't want this coming out.

That's why he hasn't got lawyered up!

You don't know what his marriage is like.

I'm not backing down, Sergeant. Not for him.

He'll take the caution.

Stu, I like you, I do, I really like you, you're a good copper,

but you're not thinking straight.

Was I thinking straight

when I stopped that perp from sticking a knife into you?

Hah!

Oh, really? You were the one mouthing off about bullies,

don't you realise you're doing exactly the same thing?

You are no different to that mugger.

A knife, a warrant card, they can both do a lot of damage,

but you have put me in a very serious situation now.

You cannot pretend it's all right.

So either you go to the Inspector or I will.

You might just be able to salvage your job.

Admit it. Admit what?

That it was a great night.

It was better than I expected.

It was brilliant, say it.

Well, it was good, it was...very good.

I'm not letting you go till you say it.

It was...

brilliant, you were right, it was...

..brilliant.

What's the rush?

No, sorry, no rush.

No rush. It's OK.

Go home.

See you tomorrow.

I'm calling my lawyer now.

He's bluffing.

Stu, you've got to end this.

I can't back down, Sarge, not to him.

You know where he was going? To my wife!

How do you know that?

It's either you or me.

Inspector, please.

One second, sir.

Last chance. Don't be stupid.

It's PC Woods, sir. I've made a big mistake.

I hope she's all right.

You getting in?

No, no, we're going in opposite directions. I'll call one.

See you later. Night.

Are you going to take it any further?

I knew you lot would stick together.

Are you panicking?

Me? No. I've done nothing wrong.

He has. He should pay for it.

Obviously it's up to you if you pursue it...

but I would have thought your wife wouldn't be very happy

if she found out the truth.

Can we get anyone to give you a lift home?

No, thanks, I'll get a taxi.

Good night, Mr James.

What did the Inspector say?

Compassionate leave. Possible disciplinary proceedings.

Good. Could have been a lot worse.

Stu, you're a good copper.

I would have hated to have lost you because of something like this.

You've got some time now.

Try and sort it out with your wife.

Yeah, they'll be having a right old laugh at me tonight.

Thanks for nothing, Sergeant Hollins.

How long till it gets here?

I'm a woman on her own, late at night.

Is there any way...?

Yeah, ten minutes. It's been ten minutes already.

Oi!

You...skank!

Haven't got your girlfriend with you now, eh?

You're bricking it.

Yeah? Yeah, try me.

You know what one of the perks of being partner is, Kevin?

What? I get to pull rank.

Oh, I've missed this!

This is the last straw.

I don't give a fig what you think. I said, what's he doing back here?

What is this, 1987?

You can't step outside a gay club without getting beaten up.