Pudding Doctors

Tell us the other guy came off worse!

Your sister's claim that it was coming out of her ears

left me somewhat discombobulated.

The old pee-out-of-the-ears threat, eh?

She got that off Mum.

-My mum used to say that.

-Do you want six?

Yeah. You aren't going to get mega eggs like this

when you're in Italy, are you?

They tend to pair their eggs with tomatoes.

Which is gross!

This is what you do.

Hot sauce.

You make these babies Mexico.

Eggs and hot sauce? Who would have believed it?

Mum! The shower's playing up again.

Have you been fiddling with it again?

I've ordered another showerhead online

-which is completely Alia-proof.

-Huh? Don't exist.

Miss Pitman.

Well, I did not think we will see you before your chemotherapy.

Three times.

You have to say it three times -

chemotherapy, chemotherapy, chemotherapy -

and then it doesn't stick.

Chemotherapy, chemotherapy, chemotherapy.

See?

Doesn't bother me to say it any more.

Not hardly at all.

I thought that you would go straight to St Phil's from your home

before your...chemotherapy, chemotherapy, chemotherapy.

Yes, so did I. But I was up at five.

You have been here all that time?

You don't mind me letting myself in?

I cooked my egg at home, so I didn't use the Mill's electric.

No, no, no. It is not that at all.

Of course I do not mind.

I just don't like to think of you sitting here on your own.

I had a lovely chat with the cleaners.

You're early.

Well, I have a lot of work to do

and, well, I just needed to get my head sorted out about my interview.

I am so sorry that I cannot be with you today.

I would if I could.

Well, there'll be plenty of opportunities.

You won't miss out.

Now, are you going to eat that poor little egg?

I'll make us both some toast.

You've missed a bit.

-Is it bleeding?

-No.

Heston, I'm sorry about Alia rushing you this morning.

No, it's fine. I'm feeling very Christmassy.

What, with Hanif madness messing up your house?

I've got a couple of irons in the fire still.

It's too close for you to move now.

-Why don't I stay at home and do Christmas?

-What?

We can have goose, turkey. I do a good impression of Raymond Black.

It'll be a Michelin-star Christmas.

-I'm not letting you do that.

-Why not?

I'm not letting you give up your holiday.

-I'm not giving up anything.

-No. You've done so much for us,

and I really appreciate it,

but I'm not letting you sacrifice anything else.

Well, the offer's there if you need it.

Joe Star! It is five and twenty past eleven.

Why didn't you wake me?

OK. Type-1 boy, you've got the tinsel, but did you get a banana?

Did you? No, you piggin' didn't.

No, I didn't, so call the breakfast police(!)

And look at you! Up the steps. What are you...

Are you jealous of me because I've got a bandage?

Jealous because I need the doctor to come in?

This time of the year, Mary, my dear, tinsel comes first.

How long have you been doing this?

-Couple of hours.

-What!? Ever since I went back to bed?

Piggin' yes.

Eat the banana before you throw a wobbly.

And don't you dare come running to me

if you fall down those steps and break your piggin' leg.

Bit late for elevenses, but I thought...

Something wrong?

Yes.

No. Not really.

Have a mince pie and tell me everything.

Do you know Joe and Mary Star?

I've a house visit with them.

And I really don't want to go.

Will you please swap with me, Heston?

I'm afraid not. I wouldn't be doing you any favours.

Isn't it wonderful to grow old with someone you love

and float around the globe?

Walter and Nancy were going to go on a cruise.

Apparently, old people are doing it rather than pay for nursing homes.

If you break a hip, you get an upgrade.

But then Walter died.

He died while I was there.

I nearly gave up medicine.

But you didn't.

It was a year ago today.

Medical careers are full of anniversaries.

It's just another day.

Is this supposed to be that tough-love thing?

-Cos it's not very seasonal.

-You're a good GP.

Have a mince pie.

No, thanks.

Thanks.

Not very inspiring so far, are they?

Nope. So, David Bailey,

who's going to get a calendar from you this Christmas?

Um... Haven't thought.

Are you all ready for Christmas?

No.

You?

Um...

The only thing left to do is Zara.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Next one up, Sarah Havers.

Meant to be your 11 o'clock.

This is Drs Granger and Clay.

I am always punctual. I left ample time.

I hate people who are late but there was nowhere to park.

Nowhere.

Please don't worry. Come in.

Hi.

It may be unusual,

a prepared statement of my vision for the practice,

but with my having had a predominantly commercial career

to date, setting out...

Oh?

Amalgamating that practice with...

SHE SOBS

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Amalgamating commercial practice with...

Take your time.

Sorry. It's just...the being late.

I'm never late.

It makes such a bad impression, even when it's not your fault.

-Anyone can be late.

-Yes.

I pranged my car on a bollard!

-Um...

-Would you like...

-Sorry.

-..a glass of water? Anything?

Are you sure you're OK to go on?

I am perfectly all right, thank you.

So, Sarah, perhaps you would like to talk more about

your experience of being the acting practice manager at North Street?

What a good idea. Why don't you tell us

what you'd bring from that experience to the Mill?

-Do you know what North Street have really got right?

-Go on.

Parking.

Parking for staff and accredited visitors.

They've got that spot-on.

We usually do have a visitor's spot...

If I come and work here, those bollards are coming up.

OK, so we'll see you then.

Bye.

-So, is Heston still giving you guest towels?

-Oh, stop it.

-I feel bad.

-Why?

Because he's so kind and considerate

but he's behaving like we're no trouble

and he likes us being there.

-Maybe he does.

-Don't be daft.

This morning, he cuts himself shaving

because Alia's threatened to wet herself

if he doesn't get out the bathroom. It's not funny.

And then she goes and breaks his shower, and what does Heston do?

Heston offers to def Tuscany, stay here and do Christmas for us.

Aw...

-No, not, "Aw..."

-But it's lovely.

He's offering because he's well-mannered.

So, what are you going to do?

What I am not going to do is mess up his Christmas.

Nothing is going to mess this Christmas up for me.

I finish at one, and Christmas starts there -

German market, gluhwein, present shopping, gluhwein,

a whole new set of decs, gluhwein...

Did I mention the gluhwein(?)

Gives me heartburn.

Oh. Bye.

OK. Zero out of ten for colleague compatibility.

Hey, would you keep an eye on the desk for me?

I'm just going to check on Valerie.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Nothing?

Nothing at all?

Um...

Is there anywhere else that you could suggest?

It's not price sensitive,

just some, you know, halal festive poultry or beef or venison.

It's worth a try.

OK.

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Let your heart be light

# From now on our troubles will be out of sight... #

That looks all right. You're lucky.

Hmm. Luckier than the lad on the Vespa.

My Italian's good enough to wither a youth.

What did you do?

C'e le piccolo, eh?

SHE CHUCKLES

How's Joe?

Has he had any more hypos recently?

Oh... He's an absolute nightmare.

The ship's captain's his friend on Facebook now.

Where is he?

Titivating the sitting room.

Thought he'd start early so he could get the better stuff.

Christmas isn't a competition.

Oh, yes, it is.

Oh! Dr Donoghue! Come quickly.

Joe?

Joe!

Dr Donoghue, I can't wake him.

SHE GASPS

It's OK.

It's all right. Let me through.

OK. He's just having a hypo. We need his glucagon.

Would it have killed him to eat the banana?

Mary, glucagon now.

I don't know... Joe did his own unpacking.

I don't know. I don't know where he put it.

-It's OK.

-I don't know where he put it. I don't know where...

I have some in my bag. He's going to be all right. OK?

Stay with him, he'll be all right.

(It's OK, it's OK...)

SHE SOBS

Oh, great. I'll have the golden halal goose.

Yes, credit card.

OK. It's Dr H Carter...

Carter? Yeah. And the long number is

4-9-1-7...

She looked so good on paper, didn't she?

What, you're adding up the scores?

Yeah, of course. We'll do this by the book.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mrs Winifred Tembe.

Come in and sit down.

Thank you for coming in, Mrs Tembe.

Perhaps you'd like to begin by giving us

-your thoughts on managing the practice.

-Surprise us.

I will.

If you expect me to shy away from the issues of global funding

and profit and loss...

That's a thorny subject.

First and foremost, I am a realist.

Glad to hear it.

"Profit" is not a dirty word.

No, it is not.

I know that we need to think more commercially,

and I am aware that the practice needs to be more profitable,

if we are to continue to invest...

um, to employ a full range of staff...

however...

However...?

..personally...

..I think that all doctors should be salaried employees of the NHS.

They should not be independent businessmen

who have to think about accounts.

Bedsheets, not balance sheets?

I know that my opinion is of no consequence

but, as I said, I am a realist.

Which means?

As practice manager, my focus would be on

making sure that the patients' wellbeing is central.

LAUGHTER

No, I think your timing is perfect. Breastfeeding over Christmas,

you're going to burn extra calories, Christmas food. It's win, win, win.

Don't forget to book your last appointment.

-Thanks, Ruhma.

-All right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

What?

Seriously?

For all of us?

Are you sure?

No, that's fantastic.

Yeah, of course I'm sure.

Brilliant.

Yeah, OK. Yeah, I'll speak to you later.

Thanks. Bye.

Oi, you! Sneaking off without saying goodbye.

I got you some bits and bobs.

That's the book Immie recommended.

It's about Russia and art and it's a little bit gay...

And some chewing gum...

Oh, and I got you this.

Look. Everybody's signed it.

Oh...

Um...

Could you keep that here for me?

Because I don't want the corners to get bent up.

I'm not sure there's not going to be some vomit later.

I'll look after it for you.

I can't think about next year.

Oh, don't be daft.

Thank you.

I know it's really hard having your life dictated by food

but you're going to have to take charge of your condition, Joe.

There's no ship's doctor running round after you now.

I'm supportive. I'm cutting down the sugar and the fat too.

We're not even judging our Christmas bakeoff this year, are we, Joe?

-Our Raymond's doing it.

-If he comes.

Sorry? Christmas bakeoff?

If the godson doesn't show up, we're judging it ourselves.

You'd better stay clear of the cake, Joe.

Every year since we opened the bakery in Woodburn Road...

I'd bake the cake and he'd boil the pudding.

Keeps us on our toes. The chill wind of competition.

It's better than bingo. It's neck and neck.

Christmas isn't Christmas without the chance of drubbing the wife.

You wish.

If Raymond's a no-show, we'll have to do it.

Dr Donoghue can be our backup.

Sorry, what? Me judge cake?

Oh, that's good of you Dr Donoghue.

Oh, that really is.

You see, Joe, it's not all about business in the NHS.

Not yet. Not when there's lovely doctors like Dr D

prepared to come back and help two old farts like us

and judge our Christmas bakeoff.

I...I do have a half day.

Oh...

Red lorry, yellow lorry. Red lorry, yellow lorry.

Red lorry, yellow lorry.

HE EXHALES

HE PANTS

HE EXHALES

Is everything OK?

Would you allow me to assist? Perhaps a lift?

-Oh, I can't let you do that.

-Why not?

For all you know, I might be a serial killer.

I'll risk it.

Are you all right?

I'm not sure she feels up to driving.

-And you are...?

-Nobody.

He's offered me a lift.

Ah, no need. Thanks and everything, but I've got this.

-I'm taking you, Valerie.

-There you go, then.

-Have a lovely day.

-Thank you!

-What was that, then?

-That was nice.

He felt sorry for me, but not because I've got cancer.

He's not looking at me wondering what I'm going to look like

when my hair falls out.

I thought you were going shopping.

No. Come on, I'm driving you.

Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

I...I know that the other candidates are of the highest calibre,

but I just wanted to thank you for considering me.

And to assure you that I would always do my best for the practice.

Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

So?

So?

Looks like a result.

Hardly worth seeing anyone else, I'd say.

Careful with her - she's one of ours.

I won't be long.

# I'll be home for Christmas... #

He's a lovely lad but I knew he'd not make it.

This is really good of you, Dr Donoghue.

You've no idea how good.

I'm breaking my pre-festivities diet to judge your Christmas cakes.

You? Diet?

(Two words.

(Crystallised ginger.)

Oh, wow.

There is Christmas pudding,

and cake and Yule log, stollen,

mince pies and trifle.

And you do all this because...?

Because the winner gets the glory.

The winner decides what dessert we do

for the annual Letherbridge Society of Caterers' charity dinner.

We've done it ever since we had the shop.

Raised thousands for medical research.

Fair enough.

How did you know that I like fairy lights?

I took a gamble.

My mother once told me about a year when she was so naughty

that all she got in her stocking was a satsuma

-and an old pair of knickers.

-Nice(!)

She was from Worcester.

One year, I thought I was definitely in for the knicker treatment

but I got a cassette recorder.

My mum had one of them.

I do like a CD, though.

You know where you are with a CD.

What's your favourite music, then?

I like absolutely everything.

Apart from hip-hop.

And jazz.

And heavy metal.

Although everything else...

Although I'm not keen on opera...

..or reggae.

The last cassette I bought was Michael Ball.

Figures.

Michael Ball, The Musicals.

I played it over and over until the tape got all stretched out

and it all went "whah-whah..."

Maybe I should treat myself to some Michael on a CD.

-Go for it!

-Yeah.

I should have done a chemotherapy playlist.

So, we've heard a lot about the balance between patient care

and the practice's need to capitalise on available markets.

How would you go about addressing that balance, Anthony?

I'd certainly investigate additional practitioners,

physiotherapists, chiropodists,

counselling services and other therapies.

-The Granger Clinic rents space.

-Well, then, you'll know it works

and you'll be aware of the potential to generate income

whilst increasing the range of disciplines available to patients.

Private patients?

Not exclusively. But we haven't to be afraid of making money.

Not if we want the Mill to be in a position where it can

continually invest for the good of its patients.

Hmm...

Well...?

You get the ginger?

Ginger in trifle? Pah!

Which do you like better?

I think...

that I'm going to have to try them both again.

Oh, hello.

I have just spent over half an hour in the post office.

-Oh, cards and parcels. Anyway, good news.

-I've got...

-I was...

-You first.

-About Christmas.

SHE LAUGHS

Ta-da!

My cousin's friend has just been let down.

She's got no house-sitter.

So she thought about me and the kids.

It's a great location, it's big enough for the three of us

so we're not on top of each other over Christmas!

When you get back from Tuscany, you are coming for dinner.

You've already got the keys?

Yeah, I know! It's a Christmas miracle.

It means that we can move out tonight.

Sorry, what were you going to say?

Oh, nothing. It was just something about flights. It's fine.

Oh, right, that's great.

Oh, are these for anyone?

I've saved your Christmas.

I'll go and tell her.

-DOOR CLOSES

-Make way for the judge!

Are we ready for the Joe and Mary holy bakeoff 2015?

What's going on here?

You're Raymond Black.

I'm the judge.

You're Raymond-Black-off-the-telly Raymond Black.

-Is that sherry trifle?!

-You're the chef.

That's right, the one with the Michelin star.

The piggin' judge.

You're the Scrummy Brummie...

PHONE RINGS

Sorry, Raymond Black, my phone is ringing.

Where did you find that one?

We didn't think you were coming.

Hey, Ayesha.

Hey, can you talk?

-How's shopping-till-you're-dropping going?

-I'm at St Phil's.

I...I thought that you...

I was, but listen,

we need to draw up a Valerie-sitting rota.

You went with her to her first chemo?

How's she doing?

You should see her brave face. It'd break your heart.

Anyway, can I put you on the rota?

Of course. Whatever she needs.

Cheers. Thanks.

Sorry.

Valerie...

Valerie, hey, it's me.

Time to wake up.

You got a dry mouth?

Here, I unwrapped you a lemon drop.

Thank you.

I've got something for you.

If you tell anyone that I like this,

-I'll tell them you're a big, fat liar.

-What is it?

Listen.

MUSIC: Love Changes Everything sung by Michael Ball

Oh, my favourite.

# Love, love changes everything

# Hands and faces, earth and sky

# Love, love changes everything

# How you live and how you die

# Love can make the summer fly

# Or a night seem like a lifetime

# Yes, love, love changes everything

# Now I tremble at your name... #

Speaking.

Yes.

Thank you.

No, that's great.

Yeah. Thanks. I'll see you then. Bye-bye.

# ..Love, love changes everything

# Days are longer, words mean more

# Love, love changes everything

# Pain is deeper than before

# Love will turn your world around

# And that world will last for ever

# Yes, love, love changes everything... #

-James, is that you?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it is me.

I must say the wig is looking wonderful.

I thought I would go the full bride of Frankenstein.

You haven't received any post for me, have you?

Oh, I don't know, darling, I think there's some on the table.

-Oh, who are you here to see?

-Oh, everyone, I imagine.