Roadkill Doctors

MUSIC: It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones

WOMAN LAUGHS

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #

Oh, Mary, that was wonderful,

you beautiful creature. MARY LAUGHS

So, when am I going to see you again, my lovely?

-DOOR OPENS AND MARY GASPS

-Mary, I'm home.

I thought you said he was in London.

Hey!

Don't do this, please!

-Get off me!

-No, don't!

-You can't!

Don't do this, please. Just leave it!

-Don't! Leave it! Stop!

-ENGINE REVS

-Leave it!

-CAR CRUNCHES

What have you done?

Hello?

Morning, Mrs Tembe. You're very bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Yes, well, it is important to get things ready

for when the doctors arrive.

Quite. Oh, and can you remind Daniel and Jimmi

we've got a meeting at 1pm, please?

OK, will do.

-Morning.

-Ah, good morning, Dr Reid.

The information you requested.

Oh, great. Thank you, Mrs Tembe, you're a godsend.

-Good morning, Howard.

-Sorry?

I...

I mean Anthony.

I'm so sorry, I'm obviously not awake yet.

It's fine, really.

-Excuse me.

-Don't worry about it.

Now, that is the most exquisite sound in the known universe.

-What is?

-Silence, Karen.

Have a listen.

There's no students complaining about their coursework

or demanding some hangover cure -

just silencio.

I tell you, the University of Letherbridge

is a hell of a place when no-one else is here.

Yeah, well, make the most of it, they're back on Monday.

-Are you all right, Karen?

-Oh, hiya.

-Oh, I've got a large package for you.

-Oh!

She asked for an innuendo and then he gave her one.

-Hey-hey! Where do I sign?

-LAUGHTER

Just on the bottom.

You have to be still.

Oh, Karen, we haven't heard from the Tembe-nator

about the QOF data, have we? I'd rather get it sorted before...

THUD

Steven!

Steven Keegan!

-Are you with us?

-Hey, am I dead?

Cos this is a really rubbish afterlife.

Do you remember what happened?

Yeah, I think I fainted.

You know where you are?

Yeah, Letherbridge Uni.

OK, now, I have to ask you this.

Do you know who I am?

Yeah, you're what's-his-face - Dr Glasses.

Hmm, I've been called worse.

I brought you some water.

Oh, wow, I must be dead, cos I've just met an angel.

-Oh. Ah...

-Stay where you are.

All right, have you been suffering any chest pains recently?

No.

-Any trouble with your waterworks?

-I don't think so.

Is there a history of fainting?

I wouldn't be much good as a delivery driver

-if I kept passing out.

-PHONE RINGS

Sorry.

Are you under any particular stress at the moment?

Well, I've just had a baby. Well, I mean, the wife has.

Oh, congratulations. How's that going?

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, apart from all the sleepless nights and the projectile vomit.

I can imagine.

They say that you age five years in the first year of fatherhood.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, lack of sleep and work.

-You know, the work-life balance.

-Yeah.

Anything else?

Do you believe in ghosts?

Huh.

Well, I used to, but then the Easter Bunny told me to stop being so silly.

Yeah, I'd laugh too, but either I've just seen a ghost or...

or else I think I might have killed someone.

I like your hair.

Oh, thanks.

I had it done in Australia.

-Oh, how was it?

-Oh, it was incredible.

I can see why Chris stays there.

It was all I could do to tear myself away.

It must be your inner boomerang.

It has some...

Well, it's helped to put things in perspective a little.

Good.

Oh, Heston,

I miss him dreadfully.

This morning, I accidentally called Anthony "Howard".

He was standing just where Howard would

and wearing a shiny suit and...

just for a moment, I thought...

Look, you're going to see his face

popping up in all sorts of places.

I know.

That's part of the problem.

It was an hour ago and I'd just made the delivery and I got a bit lost.

Whereabouts?

Well, I was down this really nice street, you know,

I was just driving along,

and then I looked out my windscreen and there was this...

PHONE RINGS AND STEVEN SIGHS

Is that your work that's hassling you?

No, it's no-one.

Look, there was this face.

A woman, yeah, really old and angry, and she was just stood there,

in the road, staring at me, and...

So I swerved, slammed on the brakes, and I sat there and I was terrified,

just in case I hit her, but then...

It's all right. Go on.

But then, when I looked around, there was nobody there.

Then I got out of the van, I looked, but nobody,

so I got back in the van and drove here, but...

You know, now I'm thinking, what if there was an old woman

and she just crawled off into a ditch to die

-and I just left her there?

-Oh, OK.

If you think that that's what happened,

then you need to call the police.

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, chances are I'm just imagining things,

but that's not like me.

Do you think I'm cracking up?

No, but you're obviously really tired and, you know,

when our mind is sleep deprived, we can hallucinate.

Yeah, but I saw her face,

and her dress - she was wearing a blue dress,

and she was staring at me like she was accusing me of something,

but when I looked around she'd gone.

Well, it could be a restless spirit or something.

If you think that you saw a ghost, then the best advice I can give is

go home, take the day off work and get some sleep.

It's not safe for you to be driving around in this state.

-Oh, Heston.

-Oh, yes?

Can I have a word?

Of course, my consulting room door is always open.

No, erm, not here.

Oh, is it about a new house?

In which case, my front door is always open.

No, it's not. Erm...

Could we meet in private, maybe for lunch?

Yeah, why don't we have a picnic in the park?

In January?

Well, it's a lovely day. I'll get some stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

Heston, don't go to any trouble.

PHONE RINGS

Good morning, the Mill Health Centre. How can I help you?

Oh, get it together.

KNOCK AT WINDOW If you're hoping to

pull our receptionist,

you should know that she's a happily married woman.

Yeah, OK.

You do know that you've been waiting here for over an hour, right?

I don't want to drive.

HE SIGHS

Every time I start the engine,

you know, I just see her face in front of me.

You're serious about this? Look, if you'd have hit someone,

there'd be some kind of impact on your van. There isn't.

Yeah, but what if she fell, you know, and was hurt?

-She could be there now.

-AL EXHALES

All right, fine.

Take me to where it happened.

Well, I'm really happy to say that the business is in robust shape,

so now we need to think about rebranding.

Erm, what was wrong with the old brand?

Well, nothing -

high levels of trust, excellent footfall -

but this is about getting the message out there,

so I want to refresh the website and have a new leaflet.

Well, if you need photos doing, David Bailey's right here.

As always, Daniel, you're way ahead of me.

Yeah, I'd love some more photos, but these need to be a bit special.

I want action shots of the Mill staff doing their jobs,

interfacing with the public.

Why do we need a new leaflet?

We have patients coming out of our ears.

Well, because if you get more patients,

you get more funding and more resources.

Yeah, it's not just about business, though.

I mean, this is a way of saying thank you

to everyone who works here and making them feel valued.

It's been a tough few months, but this will say,

"Here we are - the team. This is us."

Oh, I'm not sure. I think it was somewhere off to the left.

Well, you could have imagined the whole thing -

like you've imagined that you're a professional driver.

PHONE RINGS

-Al, have you seen my phone?

-No.

Something's vibrating.

Oh, wow. You've got a message from Luscious Lola.

Seems very friendly. Shall I read it out to you?

Give it here!

Do you have something you want to tell me?

Cos Lola doesn't look like she's asking you about an MOT.

OK, I've got this app.

You know, it puts me in touch with single women when I'm on the road.

Except you're not a single man.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, look, I love my wife, but ever since Ellie was born,

there's been absolutely no bedroom action,

so of course I'm going to use my phone for a bit of fun.

Modern technology has found lots of ways for people

to have "fun on their phones".

Yeah, look, as long as my wife doesn't find out,

then no-one's going to get hurt.

When I'm in the area, Lola's got my details

and she just gives me a call.

Oh, right, and you were on the phone to her

when this incident occurred, am I right?

It's all starting to make much more sense.

ENGINE PURRS

RUHMA PANTS AND DUCKS QUACK

Heston.

Hello, Ruhma.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I got lost.

I must have come through the wrong entrance.

There was no sign of you.

I thought about asking this man who was asleep on the bench,

and then some bloke nearly ran me over with his mobility scooter.

Oh, is he still here?

How are you?

A bit anxious.

Why's that?

-Well, you said you had something to tell me.

-Right.

-How much do I owe you?

-Oh, nothing.

-Oh. Oh, sorry.

-PHONE BEEPS

SHE SIGHS

Anything interesting?

Well, yeah.

Apparently, I'm entitled to money for an accident that didn't happen.

Oh, so am I.

What did we do before mobile phones?

Talk to each other?

Right.

Yeah.

OK.

Look, whatever it was, it was over there.

Look, I've done all the CSI that I can. OK?

There is no sign of any blood and no sign of any debris or impact.

Well, I'll tell you what there is a lot of, and that's trees.

Ghost stories are often set around trees because when

the branches and the leaves move, you know, we see spooky things.

When the light breaks through,

suddenly you'll be presented with some kind of an apparition.

-Oh, is that what it was?

-Yeah, it could be,

yeah, but we add all of this to the fact that

you're feeling really tired.

You said that this figure looked at you accusingly

and you've got a bit of a guilty conscience, haven't you?

Did you see that?

-Did I see what?

-There was a woman in a blue dress.

All right, are we talking real woman or are we talking ghost?

Well, I don't know, but it was over there.

AL EXHALES

Fine.

You, you stay here.

You know, I think it's a really good bench,

cos you don't usually get that lower-back support, do you?

-Ruhma.

-It's a good design...

Much as I like talking about lumbar support...

OK.

Look, Heston...

I have feelings for you.

I can't believe I've just said that.

You're not saying anything.

I... I can't believe it either.

The feeling is mutual.

No sign of anyone, and I mean anyone.

This place is stuck in a time warp.

We can probably expect to see a penny-farthing ride by.

Steven?

I've just been chatting to this old guy, right.

He says he's lived here all his life and there was an accident here.

When?

1966, and a woman was killed.

Right, well, you're fine, then -

unless you're older than you look.

Al, it was 50 years ago, right, and I saw her this morning.

It's not possible.

But what if, right, if you die a violent death,

you know, something stays behind, you know, like a spirit, a trauma?

Look, you're going to have to trust me on this, OK?

The human body is a physical and solid thing.

When we die, we decompose.

There's no spirit left behind to linger in trees,

ready to jump out and scare people.

Help me!

HE EXHALES

I used to think you were a reactionary dinosaur...

Well, we did rule the planet for millions of years.

..and then you welcomed us into your house,

and I saw that you were the funniest and kindest man.

I thought you were a steam roller, flattening everything in your path.

I'm going to put that on my CV.

Then I saw you with Shak and Ali and I realised

that you had to be tough for them.

Yeah, I had a difficult time with their dad.

Right.

He hurt me and...

I don't think I ever thought I'd have or want a relationship.

I banned myself from having feelings.

I could write a book about break-ups but it wouldn't be a fun read.

ICE CREAM VAN PLAYS GREENSLEEVES

Shall we...?

I'm too excited to eat.

Help me. I didn't mean to.

He made me!

-Who did?

-Him!

Why did you come back?

Just go, now, before it's too late!

I don't know who you are, love.

-Is this the lady you saw this morning?

-Yeah.

OK, just give us a sec, yeah?

We are going to get into trouble.

Nothing bad is going to happen to you, I absolutely promise.

Look, my name's Al. What's your name?

Mary Mudeford.

OK, where do you live, Mary?

In there.

All right. Shall we go and see if anyone's home?

I like your garden.

It's very pretty.

John?

John, I'm sorry!

It was an accident.

There was blood everywhere.

It was sticking to my shoes.

Mary, what date is it, please?

It's June...

January.

What year?

1966.

What's your date of birth?

The 29th of May, 1939.

That's great.

Could you just excuse me a sec, yeah?

PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS

Hey, Karen, it's me.

I need you to look up a possible patient for me,

and I think I'm going to be late back from lunch again. Sorry.

OK, so, I've managed to find Mary's husband.

-Right.

-She is distressed about something that happened years ago.

I don't think you hit her.

Yeah, but why does she think that she knows me?

Look, I just assume that you remind her of someone.

Hello. Could you help me, please?

Oh, hello, Mary, I was just coming to get you.

-Do you know me?

-Yeah, your husband John has been worried sick about you.

-He's been looking for you.

-John.

Everything is going to be OK. We're going to take you to him.

-Everything's going to be fine.

-Oh.

Ah...

MUSIC: It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones

Oh, Mary.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Ah, hold on.

The door's open.

MUSIC STOPS

Ah, Mr Mudeford. Hello, I'm Dr Haskey.

Oh, good to see you.

And I believe you know this lady?

Mary, thank goodness.

I was out of my mind.

I'm sure I've met you somewhere before.

Oh, I think we have - more than once or twice. Come on.

This is Steve, and Steve is the man who found her.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Hi.

Oh, sit down, both of you.

So, how long has Mary been...?

Forgetful? Oh, a few years, now.

She used to be very ill with arthritis,

but now that she's losing her memory

she doesn't seem to know that she's getting on a bit.

She tears off like Roger Bannister and I can't keep up with her.

I've seen that before.

Patients with memory loss can push themselves right to the edge

cos, in their mind, they're still 18.

Well, she's a very strong-minded person.

She was in quite a state.

She thought she'd been in an accident

and that she was going to get in trouble,

and she thought it was 1966.

-Would you like some tea?

-Oh, yes.

So he wants to rebrand the Mill.

But this is a health centre, not a box of cornflakes.

Yeah, well, it means a new website and new leaflets -

that means we're going to need a new photograph of you.

But surely you took enough photographs last year?

This is different. This is just a normal day in the life of the Mill,

so it's people going about their business.

I really think you should concentrate on the doctors.

Are you kidding? Come on,

everyone knows you it's you that runs this place.

It's your smiling face that greets the patients

when they come through the doors,

and your organisational skills that keep us all going.

Without you, we might as well be running a kebab stall.

I feel you are flattering me so you can get your own way.

I'm not even going to argue.

Just make sure you get the consent of the patients before you

start taking any photographs.

And then, that way, we can make sure

you're getting all the help that you're entitled to.

You're very kind.

Oh, and thank you for bringing her home to me.

You're welcome.

Where did you find her?

She wasn't on the road, was she? I worry about traffic.

She sort of just jumped out in front of me.

You know, at first I thought she was a ghost.

Well, I suppose, in some ways, she is a ghost.

I mean, she's here in the room, but where has her mind gone?

It's been sad seeing her memories come undone.

First, she forgot the names of the grandchildren,

and then the children.

Now she doesn't even know who she is or where she is.

But there are some memories -

memories that sear their way into our subconscious.

She kept talking about blood -

blood everywhere, sticking to her shoes.

Did something happen at your old house?

Some years ago, Mary had a visitor.

He had wheedled his way into the house

and he had to leave in a hurry.

He ran his car into our next-door neighbour.

John, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

No!

You've got to go.

Get out of my house!

It's OK, Mary, he's just a friend.

It all happened such a long time ago

and there's nothing to worry about.

Yes, I think, perhaps, you should leave.

You obviously remind her of somebody.

Right.

Erm, please do stay in touch.

I would like to arrange a home visit.

I will. Thank you.

Am I all right?

You're fine now.

You're with me.

I'll put on some music.

Your favourite - Tom Jones.

MUSIC: Help Yourself by Tom Jones

# Love is like candy on a shelf... #

Oh!

# You want to taste and help yourself

# The sweetest things are there for you

# Help yourself

# Take a few

# That's what I want you to do

# We're always told repeatedly

-# The very best in life is free... #

-Let's just sit you down.

# And if you want to prove it's true

# Baby, I'm telling you

# This is what you should do

# Just help yourself to my lips

# To my arms

# Just say the word and they are yours

# Just help yourself

-# To the love in my heart... #

-Oh!

# Your smile has opened up the door... #

Get off me!

# The greatest wealth that exists in the world

# Could never buy what I can give... #

Excuse me.

We've brought you some sandwiches, if you want one. OK?

-Well done.

-See?

# All right

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

# Yeah... #

CAMERA CLICKS

All right, there, and if Anthony doesn't like them,

he can use them for a toothpaste commercial.

-You don't like him, do you?

-I never said that.

You know, I think he's the best thing to happen around here

for a very long time. He's really positive.

He's got a great energy about him and you know what else?

He can recognise talent.

These are very impressive.

-Honestly, Jimmi, you have a real eye.

-Thanks.

Yeah, unfortunately,

-we're not going to be able to use the ones of Mrs Tembe.

-Why not? Why?

Sorry, I should have been clearer.

We only need photos of the medical staff.

I mean, no-one joins a surgery because of the receptionist.

Yeah, but Mrs Tembe's a huge part of this practice.

Indeed, and these are terrific photos,

so I'm going to put them on file

and in a month or two we'll do another leaflet about

all the work we do in the community and with various minority groups.

Don't worry, Mrs Tembe will have her day.

ENGINE PURRS

So, do you still believe in ghosts?

-Yeah, I do, actually.

-What?

Like, I think everything that we do leaves a trace.

You know, whatever Mary did back then obviously still haunts her.

Yeah, that's right.

What we do has consequences that can ruin a beautiful marriage.

Yeah, I know what you're saying, but I won't let it go too far.

Won't you?

I know when to stop.

Oh, if I told you the amount of times I hear that from gambling addicts,

sex addicts, rambling addicts... PHONE RINGS

Ooh, who is it now?

Scintillating Suzy? Irresistible Iris? Delectable Doris?

Nope.

I've deleted the app.

I've deleted all the apps.

It's too dangerous and I love my wife too much.

I like that.

It sounds like a New Year's resolution.

AL EXHALES You take care, yeah?

Cheers.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Oh, Mrs Tembe. Are you still here?

Well, yes. Yes, of course.

The QOF data you requested.

Oh, you are good. All done.

I must say, Dr Clay takes an excellent photograph.

Yes, though we won't be able to use any of them in the leaflet,

I'm afraid.

Oh. What?

Well, I talked today with Dr Clay,

and we both decided it was better to concentrate on the medical staff.

No reflection on the excellent work that you do.

Oh. Oh, of course, I see.

Feel free to take the photographs.

You could give them to a friend or send them home to Botswana.

My home is in Letherbridge, Mr Harker.

Of course.

Well, don't let me keep you from it.

Have a good weekend, Mrs Tembe.

Yes.

Goodnight.

I've been invited to a wine-tasting tonight,

and wondered if a few of you would like to join me?

I quite fancied a wine night.

Why don't we go out?

This is Murray, our resident sommelier.

-Oh, hardly.

-Daniel Granger.

Do you mind if we join you?

If you like.

A good ale, on its day,

served in the right conditions...

I hardly think that...

..has far more complexity

than this plonk.