Sugar Doctors

# Mama, do the hump, Mama do the hump, hump

# Mama, won't you please let me do the hump, hump

# Mama, do the hump, Mama do the hump, hump

# Mama, won't you please let me do the hump, hump

# Mama, do the hump, Mama do the hump, hump

# Mama, won't you please let me do the hump, hump

# Mama, do the hump, Mama do the hump, hump

# Mama, won't you please let me do the hump, hump

# Yo, it's been a long week

# How I've got this much energy is beyond me

# I just want all of these girls to be on me... #

Leo, love. You're going to be late for school.

Here you are. Look, take these.

You're a good boy. You know that?

Mum!

Yeah. Cheers, mate.

PHONE RINGS

I'm on my way now, boss. Traffic's been a nightmare.

I'll get them all done, I promise you.

Look, I'm busting a gut here!

HE EXHALES

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE REVS

Morning.

HE SINGS: # Ba ba ba ba. # Morning!

HE CONTINUES SINGING

BIRD CAWS

I'm so sorry, Dr Carter won't be in today, so...

-Morning.

-Ooh, um, could you just hold on a minute?

-I thought...

-Can't stop.

Oh, gosh. False alarm.

Um, we'll see you at 11 as planned.

-Somebody get pest control on the phone!

-What?

I've just been dive-bombed by some pterodactyl. Tissues, please.

Ah!

Did you just see Heston? How did he look to you?

-Like someone who dodged a bullet.

-Oh, right.

Don't start saying this is lucky, OK? Cos that's absolute nonsense.

If you say so.

What really gets my goat is this insidious belief that if you do nice things

and have pleasant thoughts, then the universe will pay you back in kind.

I don't think Heston deserved what happened last night.

Why are you going on about Heston? What's happened?

His souffle popped? Or his Chateaubriand was corked?

We thought he had a heart attack.

Oh!

He looked all right.

Mental health is one of the last great societal taboos.

Vincit qui se vincit. He conquers who conquers himself.

Oh, no. Enough of the Latin. Um...

This is something I really think I can get my teeth into.

-Ugh. Sounds like Count Dracula.

-Heston? What are you doing?

I was on the phone.

Er, well, I just assumed that...

So I've already started reassigning your patients.

Why would you do that?

Because you...well, you really got us going!

It was heartburn. I had too much of Ruhma's curry.

As you can see, I'm in fine health and actually rather busy.

I'm off now, Mum.

I'm going to make your favourite pancakes.

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

Mum!

SHE MUMBLES

Mum!

Come on! There's got to be something sweet.

Mrs Fisher! Mrs Fisher, open up!

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

What with the events of the other day - the suicide...

Terrible business.

..the students need to be reminded

what counselling services are available -

so they can seek them out, before they get into trouble.

What did you have in mind?

Well, we should have a stand at the spring fair

with a stress clinic running alongside.

And also, it'll be excellent PR for the practice.

Perhaps. Where would the money come from?

Well, the university will absorb most of the costs.

It's all outlined in there.

So what do you think?

It's a very good proposal.

-You've obviously done your homework. What can I say?

-Yes!

Give me some time to think about it.

Oi!

Stop!

You all right, mate?

-What?

-Are you OK?

I'm fine. I got to...go.

You're in no fit state to go anywhere. Get in.

Leave us alone.

There's a doctor's down the road. I'll drop you.

It's the best I can do. Come on.

Did we really have to get here this early?

And share the place, have some other woman steal my moment?

Not on your Nelly.

Your MOMENT?

I have been dreaming about this since I was a little girl.

How I'd feel when I found the right dress.

The magic, the soft sweeping music...

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Yeah, I've just got two people in.

The cheek of little Miss Twerk over there,

practically vetting us as we walked in the door.

Thinks we're going to steal this lot!

Actually - scratch that, Val.

At these prices, it's not a bad idea.

Yeah, well I'm not getting hung up on cost.

Thought Barry said he wanted a budget wedding.

Barry can keep his cut-price confetti and canapes -

I am not skimping on the dress.

Speaking of which, how many you got in there?

Don't worry, I've done my research. I know exactly what I'm looking for.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Ta-da!

-Wow!

-Yeah?

Bit classic, bit Kate Middleton?

Bit.

Ooh! Maybe it's a bit more Vanessa Redgrave in Camelot?

Mmm. You're definitely rocking that royal vibe -

-if you want to look like Ann Boleyn!

-Oh.

Wooh!

Ah, there he is. Are you all right, my friend?

What?

Everybody knows about it!

Well, I haven't said anything.

Karen.

Well, I imagine that she's worried about you.

You shouldn't even be here.

I'm perfectly capable of judging my own health, thank you very much.

Have you seen a doctor?

I have done tests, blood pressure, whatever.

Doctors make the worst patients!

Hey, are you OK?

You look like you've been in the wars.

I hurt my shoulder.

Oh! Let's see if there's a doctor available.

Are you registered with us?

What's your name?

Leo.

-Campbell.

-OK. Just one second.

Hello. Sorry to disturb you. There's a young lad in here called Leo.

I think he really needs to see someone. Thank you.

Dr Haskey's going to come through in a minute and have a word with you.

How old are you?

I'm...I'm 14.

I should maybe call your mum or dad, let them know you're here.

No, it's OK, they won't mind if they're at work. They won't mind.

Dr Haskey, this is Leo. He seems confused.

Don't know if he's taken something.

All right. Thanks. Leo - want to come through with me, mate?

Come on.

-Hello.

-Hi.

What about underwear? Are you going to push them up, or let them rest?

I hadn't thought about it.

Well, it'll affect which dress you buy.

Course, there's the bottom half, too.

Are you wearing magic knickers?

Well, I want to look good, don't I?

You can't have them on your wedding night!

Why not?

Because they're like the ultimate passion killers.

Oh, I'm not worried about that.

It's your wedding night.

You do know that Barry's going to be expecting a bit of...

Valerie, you do fancy him?

Are you kidding? The man's a stallion.

Barry?

Yeah. Took a bit of breaking in but once he got the bit between his teeth...

-Ooh...really?

-Honestly, I was like, "Whoa! Hold your horses."

Oh, crikey!

I think I've got the zip stuck in the feathers.

-Feathers?

-Yeah, this one's a bit more pizzazz. It's a bit...Latin.

Bit flamenco style.

Oh, God! I'm going to have to keep it if I'm stuck in it!

OK?

I don't think anything's broken but you'll have a nasty bruise there.

You can pop your shirt back on.

How did it happen?

What?

How did you hurt yourself?

I...fell, or something.

You don't sound very sure.

Look, I fell, all right?

You certain you didn't hit your head?

Yeah.

I want you to just with your eyes, look left for me.

And right.

And left, please.

And just for a change, right.

OK, um, you got blurred vision or dizziness or a headache?

Sorry, is there somewhere you need to be?

Are...are we...are we done here?

No, I'm afraid not. You feeling sick at all?

A bit but I'll be fine.

Right, I'm going to need you to wait in reception for a moment.

What for?

We're going to run some more tests, OK?

OK, Leo. If you have a seat for me, just there, yeah? Right, good lad.

Karen, did you get through to his mother?

I've left a message on her mobile.

-Landline?

-I didn't think.

Oh, right. Give me the numbers. I'll call her.

-You keep an eye on him, yeah?

-OK.

Hello, can I help?

Did some kid come in earlier?

-Sorry?

-Boy, about 14, 15.

Are you a relative?

-I just want to know if he's OK.

-And you are, sir?

Tim.

Tim Williams.

I saw him fall off his bike.

He fell off his bike?

Yeah. I just drove him here, to make sure he was OK.

Dizziness, confusion...

-You going to tell us, or what?

-Did he hit his head?

I don't know. It all happened so fast. Maybe.

Leo, why didn't you say - Leo?

Karen, I told you to keep an eye on him.

I was looking at the door the whole time. He didn't go that way.

Aw, Leo, mate! Karen! Karen!

-It's going to be all right.

-Oh, no! What can I do?

Ambulance, please. I knew he was holding something back.

It's going to be all right, mate. It's all right.

Come on.

Here we go. Here, here, here. It's all right. Here we go.

Nasty, mate. Why didn't you just say something?

Come on. There we go.

What's this?

Sugar.

Oh, mate!

"One more dance and my reputation will be gone forever."

Sorry?

"Great balls of fire.

"Don't bother me any more, and don't call me sugar."

You've still lost me.

I'll be back in a moment.

Scarlett O'Hara, Gone With The Wind.

More like Big Fat Gypsy Wedding!

SHE SIGHS

This is an absolute disaster!

We'll get there.

however long it takes.

I haven't even heard a peep of music.

Just concentrate on what you want.

I don't even know any more.

What if this is just not meant to be?

Now you're being silly.

I should just cancel the whole thing.

What about Barry?

This is my WEDDING.

It's supposed to be the most important day of my life.

-He'll be gutted.

-I don't care.

I've got one week - one week!

Do you understand?

Listen to me. Get this off - let's take five.

No ifs or buts!

You'll let us know how he's doing?

Of course.

Still no answer.

Why was he clutching a sachet of sugar?

Tim, where was Leo when you found him?

-What?

-PHONE RINGS

Er, Greenacre Road, I think.

What was he doing?

I don't know.

Anything you can remember, it could be important.

There's a few shops that way.

Oh. Anything else?

There was all this white stuff on the pavement.

White stuff?

Sugar?

-I suppose.

-Diabetic?

No, I checked his records.

I'm just guessing here - could you get his mum's file up for me?

'Dealing with that suicide'

-the other day, that's bound to have had an impact.

-Naturally.

So you think that's it? Things building up, like a cumulative effect?

I've told Heston, if he wants time off...

What, you think it's that serious?

He shouldn't be pushing himself right now.

-And if it really was his heart....

-What?

-I thought you knew.

How many times do I have tell people. I'm absolutely fine.

I would have appreciated some candour.

Still, as a precaution,

we should dig out the relevant workplace policy, check our insurance.

So this is about cost?

This is about looking after your welfare,

acting as responsible employers.

Yes, I'm sorry.

I want you to know you have the full support of this practice.

Thank you. So, what about the proposal?

First things first.

Now's as good a time as any.

I'm more concerned about you.

Whatever it was last night, it could have been a warning.

HE SIGHS

Mmm-mmm!

Sure you got enough there?

Mmm, it's so good to get my appetite back.

Got to grab it while you can.

-Too right.

-Oi!

So how are you feeling?

Well, last night I could hardly eat a thing.

Mind you, Heston made up for it.

I wonder if that's why he was so ill. He said it was indigestion

-but we all thought he was having a heart attack.

-Is he OK?

I hope so. Can't help thinking it's an omen.

-Of what?

-You know.

I've got my scan on Monday, to see if the treatment's worked.

When do you get the results?

Week or so.

You stay positive.

-I already know what it's going to be.

-There you go.

Which is why it's great to have all this to focus on.

That is, assuming I can find a dress.

If you can beat cancer, WE can find a dress.

I'm not going to beat it.

I know that, in my heart of hearts.

No, no, no, no!

HE GASPS

Yeah, hi. I need an ambulance, please. Number nine, Haverhill.

It's off...Byford Road.

Got a woman, mid 30s, unconscious in a locked flat.

So, er, we'll need the fire brigade as well, please.

HE GRUNTS

Hang on.

No, no. Just ambulance, as soon as possible, please. OK, Thank you.

Hello? Yvonne?

Yvonne, it's Dr Haskey. Can you hear me, Yvonne?

Come on, come on, come on! OK. OK, Yvonne. It's going to be fine.

I don't think I can face going back in there.

And let Twerk Girl off the hook?

I'm a bit tired, actually. Maybe we should call it a day.

Valerie, it doesn't matter if you find the perfect dress or not.

You are going to have the best wedding.

What matters is you and Barry, and people around you

who are going to be there when times get rough, no matter what.

Eesh...

Oh!

It's nice.

Modern, bit classic.

Don't get your hopes up. It might not fit, Valerie, but...

Ah, Heston. Take a seat.

You'll be pleased to hear that I'm giving your mental health idea the go-ahead.

-Oh, wonderful.

-And Sid here's got some great ideas to add to the mix.

-Really?

-Yeah.

We bring people with and without mental health issues together, on an equal footing.

And then find speakers who can talk about particular issues,

hold some smaller focus groups where people can share experiences.

I think it would be a great way to help educate those

who haven't suffered with mental illness before.

All good stuff, right?

Oh, absolutely.

-Thanks.

-So you can go home this evening, put your feet up,

assured that it's in safe hands.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

Sid here. You've got to agree, he's an excellent choice.

HE GIGGLES

HE SIGHS

Tim?

I couldn't go back to work without knowing he was OK.

Hopefully, he'll be just fine.

Oh, that's great.

You seem concerned?

Seeing a lad hurt like that.

Yeah. Leo must be really grateful he's got such a Good Samaritan.

I'm still confused about something. See, he never mentioned a bike.

Shock, I suppose.

Yeah. Shock. Mmm.

Or that's not what happened.

How do you mean?

Well, you see, Leo was desperate to get back to his mum.

But he must have thought that he was pretty badly hurt in order to let you drop him at the Mill.

-You said it was a bike.

-I was in the van.

-Under all this pressure to get deliveries out.

-Right.

You don't understand.

I didn't see him. He just ran out.

You hit Leo?

Brushed him, more like.

You hit a 14-year-old with your van, then you dumped him

outside a doctor's surgery?

I made sure he was OK.

No, he could have died!

I'm sorry. I messed up!

I'm going to have to contact the police.

I came back, didn't I?

You have to learn - there are consequences.

Please, I'll lose my job.

I'm not talking about consequences for you,

I'm talking about for Leo and his mother.

Let's go and see him. You can explain yourself.

What? I'm not going in there!

Come on.

I'm not joking, Tim.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hey.

Ooh! Plasma Man. Good choice.

My boy, he loves that stuff.

The doctor says your scans look fine - no obvious signs of injury.

They're going to keep you in overnight for observation.

And my mum?

She's fine. She's being treated as we speak.

I'm so sorry, mate. If I'd have known...

Why didn't you tell me your mum was sick?

I was scared.

Scared it was my fault.

Maybe I was rushing, didn't set the dose right.

Or maybe if I'd just got some sugar in her.

That's a lot of maybes there.

She wasn't supposed to get sick.

Look, when someone has a complex set of medical issues

like your mother does, any one tiny thing can topple the balance.

We're talking about eating better and being more active.

I highly doubt that anything you did caused this.

I was supposed to look after her.

Yeah, but you can also ask for help.

Doing nothing, you made a bad situation even worse.

I thought I could sort it.

It's just your mum and you?

Yeah, my dad left when I was seven.

Too much for him, he said.

A social worker's going to come in later, speak to you both.

What? No!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Calm down! It's not about taking you in.

It's about finding you some help.

You have to trust me on this.

They can recommend a young carers group, somewhere you can go

and talk to other kids who are in the same boat as you are.

That would be a start, wouldn't it?

Hmm?

Look, mate, tomorrow is another day.

Who knows what the day is going to bring?

For example, this morning...I had a bird poo all over me.

-Maybe tomorrow that'll happen to you.

-What?

-It's supposed to bring good luck.

-Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, I'm listening.

Know what? You can stick your job.

Stick it where the sun don't shine.

Make the call.

The police.

Ah!

He sounds like the perfect person for the job.

He's in tune with the student population.

I thought you would be pleased.

Oh, really?

Yeah. With everything else,

-you've got enough on your plate, Heston.

-It was heartburn!

Feeling better?

A little.

In my experience, people who shout

generally know they have lost the argument.

-Is that so?

-Yeah.

Maybe you should ask yourself why everyone is so concerned.

You look amazing.

You said the woman who brought this in cancelled her wedding.

This is a good omen.

This dress was meant for you, babe.

-Oh!

-And...

look what I found!

Oh!

Oh, it's perfect.

-Can you hear that?

-What?

Music. I said I'd know when it was right.

SHE LAUGHS

What's that for?

To thank you. You are my best friend!

Which is why I've got a little surprise for you.

I spotted it earlier and I think you're going to love it!

Oh!

Look at that.

Oh, it fits you like a glove.

Yeah, but what would I wear it for?

What are you doing?

Ayesha Lee, would you do me the honour?

Stop mucking around!

Will you be my bridesmaid?

-Seriously?

-Yes, you've been there for me.

Remember my first chemo?

When you came and you put up fairy lights and we made paper chains.

And you played Michael Ball.

Yeah.

Which is why it would be a great honour if you'd agree.

Can I get you anything? A hot water bottle...

-A legal contract?

-I managed to clear your afternoon for the first batch.

THIS afternoon?

Is that too soon?

I have no intention of raising a baby with my twin sister!

What kind of freak do you think I am?

-That's a lot of baggage.

-It's uber-baggage.

And do you know, saying it out loud makes me realise I'm so going to get burnt here.