The Cat's Pyjamas Doctors

# I've never felt this way about another guy

# I hope and pray that he won't treat me cruel

# Cos I don't want to be a broken-hearted fool

# Mama told me to be a good girl

# This feels so right...

# Feels so right... #

-..discuss.

-Hi.

-Exactly.

Hi. How are you feeling?

Better for being here.

Um...it's helped me decide that I'm going to drop out of uni.

Right.

How can they call it Celebrity Crimpoff

if you've never heard of any of them?

I know! Did you see what that footballer's wife did?

-Looked like an electrocuted poodle.

-Oh, yes!

It's worse than we thought.

Nothing matches the anticipation of opening a book for the first time.

-That heavenly smell.

-Damp and mildew?

And you said just a few books.

Yes. The council has been a little more generous

-than I had anticipated.

-These boxes will have got to go.

But you can't expect us to lug them around.

-We're receptionists.

-Not removal men.

I thought I could travel more. Or move abroad. Rebuild my life.

That all sounds very positive.

But only if it's what you want.

And not because of some sick games by a few idiots.

But what choice do I have? The League are still out there.

Nobody at the uni seems to want to stop it.

Well, hopefully that's going to change.

I've got a meeting with the Vice Chancellor later and I'm going

to challenge her about the dodgy statistics they've been putting out.

What good's that going to do? I told you, I've already seen her.

Well, hopefully she won't be able to dismiss me as easily.

-Good luck with that one.

-I did warn you about the VC.

I've crossed swords with her before.

When I was in PR,

she worked for a rival company.

We were both bidding on the same contract and then the client

found out that someone had been hacking their computers

to get inside info.

Samantha Eustace blamed a junior.

Did he do it?

He was a good scapegoat. He was fired.

She was promoted for saving her company's reputation.

She sounds charming.

If anyone's been massaging the figures, it'll be her.

Wow.

-Al.

-Hey!

-So glad you could come.

There he is. Wow! South Africa clearly agreed with you.

-When did you get back?

-A month ago.

Yeah. I should have got in touch sooner,

only there was mum's estate to sort out.

I'd have come to the funeral if I'd known.

Oh, she insisted on a private internment.

Yeah. Your mum always was really...

-Nutty?

-I was going to say eccentric.

Tell me more once we've reacquainted ourselves with the snug at

The Golden Fleece.

That's if they haven't turned it into a gastro pub.

When was the last time you were there?

Not since you went. That was OUR pub.

Our quest to find the golden treasure.

It wouldn't have been right going without you.

Do you want to show me around first?

Oh, sure.

Ooh, talk about trip hazard.

It's a health and safety nightmare.

Mrs Tembe? Can I dig in?

Oh, please, be my guest.

Most are of a romantic nature, but there are still a few hidden gems.

A Tale Of Two Cities. "It was the best of times...

"..it was the worst of times."

You can say that again.

Ah, Dr Vere. Now, you are a child of the internet.

Yeah, I suppose.

Well, then, you must agree that dusty...

-..germ-infested...

-..dirty old books

have got no place in a modern medical practice.

When I was a teenager, do you know what one of my secret pleasures was?

I dread to think.

No, hiding in the library for hours.

But you've got an e-reader.

Of course! Dozens of novels on one device? Fantastic!

And tidy.

But it's not the same as the feel of paper, turning the pages...

thinking of all those people who've read those words before you.

And the ones who will read them in the future.

And it is a bit dodgy using an e-book in the bath.

A good book can transport you to places you've never been before.

It can fill your soul.

Just seems like a lot of extra work to me.

Well, the book lending service will not start until next Monday.

Which will give you plenty of time to familiarise yourself with

all of the titles.

And if there are any books

you want to borrow yourselves...please, feel free.

I'll wait for the film, thanks.

Ah! Pride And Prejudice. A classic.

Dad had generous life insurance.

Mum got a good pay-out when he died.

The plans you must have with this place. Games room.

-A swimming pool!

-She didn't leave me the house.

But you're an only child, right?

All I get is a monthly allowance.

And I get to live here, but only as a carer for the real owner.

Al Haskey,

meet Archduke Snagglepaws.

CAT MEOWS

Right. So we've entered the Twilight Zone.

This is some ultimate universe...

where cats rule the planet.

Nice.

I suppose it shouldn't have been such a shock.

Mother always took great pleasure in telling everyone that her cat

meant more to her than her only child.

That's why I didn't get in touch before.

It's embarrassing to have to admit

you're just a factotum to a pampered puss.

He gets to eat line-caught tuna,

while I'm lucky to have a fish finger sandwich.

He sleeps and pees wherever he wants. And why not?

He owns every brick, every stick of furniture.

It wouldn't be so bad if he was grateful, but I'm covered

in bites and scratches.

Sometimes, I wonder if Mother hasn't been reincarnated in feline form.

You know what would help? A few pints and some bar snacks.

Al, I'm sorry.

-Don't worry if you can't afford it. Tonight it's on me.

-It's not that.

Remember what happened whenever I brought a girl home?

Yeah, your mum would go all Spanish Inquisition on them.

But recently I met someone. Becky.

Al, she could be the one.

Right. Congratulations. But what's that got to do with me?

We've never been able to go on a date. Mum's will states that I can't

leave Snagglepaws alone for more than two hours.

Why doesn't this Becky girl come here?

It's hard to get romantic when you're being watched all the time.

Right, so you want a cat sitter?

Al, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate. Please, Al.

I can't lose her.

This is all very cloak and dagger, Dr Reid.

Yes, look, Barry, the interview you gave for the university video...

I was just doing my job.

Well, at best, you were misleading

and at worst, you were helping to peddle lies.

I was assured that the statistics were accurate.

Look, Barry, there's evidence that offences against women are

being suppressed.

And I'm not just talking about the humiliation

that victims like Valerie have suffered.

I'm talking about sexual assault.

What do you want from me?

I want you to help me find the true figures.

-You want me to spy on my boss?

-The boss who lied.

Come on, you saw the state Rosie was in on Friday night.

Concealing the truth is putting students in danger.

I won't have women being denigrated.

Not on my watch.

I got in all your favourite snacks.

Oh, right, you think you can bribe me with snacks?

And the best micro-brewery ale money can buy.

And Snagglepaws has a state-of-the-art home cinema.

Really?

Like, projector and surround sound?

Yeah, you'll think you're in the multiplex.

I've even got your favourite film.

Well, it's not my favourite - probably top 25.

But this doesn't make up for you standing me up for some girl.

DOORBELL RINGS

Al, you're the only person I can trust with this.

Al.

-Becky.

-Hi.

-Hello.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Best go do the checks.

Checks?

Yeah. She lives down the road.

She used to pop in and see if Mum needed anything.

That's why Mum made Becky the executor of her will.

Right. And she has to make sure you're following Mum's instructions?

-Something like that.

-And what if she thinks you're not obeying orders?

She could get my allowance suspended.

Right, so your sole means of income is in the hands of that girl?

-Yes, but I don't mind.

-Really?

Well, OK, at first, it did feel like Mum was controlling me from

beyond the grave, but during Becky's inspections, well,

we fell in love.

Where are you taking this girl on this date?

No! You're not taking her to our pub?

It's got to be somewhere special.

So, Al...mate?

Mate, what choice have I got?

Thank you so much - I knew you wouldn't let me down. Thank you.

Here.

What's this?

It's mother's cat care manual.

You need to follow the instructions to the letter.

We're going to be late. Thank you so much, bye.

Bye, Al. Bye.

This is the life. We've got snacks, real ale and we've got

the quintessential zombie film, Night Of The Living Dead.

Life does not get better than this. Cheers!

ALARMS RING

Great Scott!

Alarms? A load of alarms.

"Alarm one.

"Lap time.

"50 strokes, head to tail."

Think we can do that.

Head to tail.

One, two...

Feel good?

Three.

Crisp?

These are fake bacon, or as I like to call them, "facon".

Good, yeah?

Rob, it's Emma.

Listen, I need to talk to you about something.

You know Rosie Griffiths?

She was brought in for criminal damage on Friday.

No, no, no, I'm not trying to plead her case.

But there is something else you could help me with.

Right, five minutes more, then I'm going back to Romero.

Hm, it's thirsty work, all this walkies business, isn't it?

Are you the kind of cat that likes ice-cold pale ale? Are you?

Tell you what...

you wait here

and I'll be back with a little treat.

And if you behave yourself, I might let you try a bit.

But only if you behave yourself.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

-Ah, Dr Reid.

-Hello.

-Good to see you again.

We met at the charity gala last year, didn't we?

Yes, we did, well remembered.

Thank you for seeing me at such short notice.

The faculty and the Campus Surgery are a partnership.

We train the brains, you look after the bodies and minds.

Please, take a seat.

-Tea? Coffee?

-Um, well, tea would be lovely.

-Clare?

-Milk? Sugar?

-Just milk, thanks.

-OK.

-Thank you.

Something tells me this is going to become your new favourite thing.

Wait till you get...

Oh, no.

Where have you gone to?

Cat! Cat! CAT!

PHONE RINGS

Hey! Hey, mate. How's the date going?

Soul mates? Oh! I'm really pleased for you. Congratulations.

No, yeah, the Archduke is great.

We're practically inseparable,

so don't you worry about rushing back for him.

OK, bye.

Cat! Archie!

MUSIC: The Love Cats by The Cure

Co... Hold up!

I've brought you another pale ale. Come here!

Right, come out here this second.

Don't stare at me like that.

I'm not going to come in after you.

Come on.

I wouldn't advise starting a battle of wits with me,

because I'll win, OK?

Delicious dinner.

Mmm, look at that! With chicken AND duck!

Ohh! Wow, that's amazing... Come on.

What's this crawling up the wall?

It's a mouse!

Woof, woof!

HE HOWLS

We are no longer friends.

All I hear are good things about the surgery.

Mental Health Awareness Day, advice booklets for freshers...

So, what can I do for you?

I'm concerned about sex crimes and abusive behaviour towards

women on the campus.

Mm. It's an issue affecting the whole of higher education.

And as one of the few female Vice Chancellors, it's one

I'm determined to tackle.

If that's the case, then why do your own figures underreport the issue?

I think you must be mistaken.

-I'm sure I'm not.

-What about all the changes I've made?

-Such as?

-Improved lighting in public places, warning notices about

-unacceptable behaviour.

-And you really believe that's enough?

Florentine?

Thank you, no.

Things have moved on since we were undergrads.

Can you imagine if we'd reported every time a lad touched

our bums in the union bar?

Yes, but now there's a new breed of pervert, one who can

humiliate a woman using the World Wide Web.

But what can we do if grown women are foolish enough

to put themselves in compromising positions?

Once it's out there, it's out there for good.

Anyone could put my name into a search engine and see compromising

photos taken of me without my permission.

A schoolgirl error, not keeping her camera phone out of the bedroom.

I'm a grown woman, and thankfully I can deal with it,

but the people here are supposed to be under your protection.

I think they're old enough to know what they're doing.

Besides, going to uni isn't all about lectures and exams.

It should also be about personal development, new experiences.

And letting sexual predators off the hook?

PHONE BEEPS Discouraging victims from reporting it

by publishing misleading statistics?

I'm sure you don't mean to make unsupported allegations, Dr Reid.

That could get you into even more trouble.

You're right. I don't have any proof.

-But they do.

-I'm terribly sorry.

-It's OK, Clare.

Please. Come in.

48...49...50.

Right, that's your lot for another hour.

Come on, dude, budge up a bit, you're heavy.

Dude, you're giving me a dead leg.

Snagglepaws, budge up.

Snagglepaws?

Oh, no.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Come on. Come on, man, you've got so much to live for.

What have I done?

I've committed felicide.

Sorry, I haven't read Fifty Shades Of Grey.

What? No. I've killed my mate's cat.

Well, it's dropped down dead anyway.

-Every time a cat dies, the angels weep.

-I need a replacement cat,

a lookalike. I thought, "Valerie will know someone or somewhere,

"she'll know a rescue centre or Valerie will know a cat farm."

-Cat farm?

-Please, I'm desperate.

-Well, you're wasting your time.

I can't be remembered as the man who killed Mum's cat.

-Tuppence the tortoise.

-What?

That's the first pet I lost. He didn't wake up from hibernation.

Dad knew how much I loved him, so he went to the pet shop

and got once that looked exactly the same.

They could have been twins.

-Did you ever find out?

-I knew straightaway.

-How?

From his walk... the way he munched his lettuce,

the special little sparkle in his eye. To you, a cat's just a cat.

But to your friend he's part of the family.

It's like me saying I could replace

-your granny and you wouldn't notice.

-So, what do I do?

Well, tell the truth, and don't try to sugar-coat it.

It'll only hurt more if you drag it out.

-All right, thanks, Valerie.

-Good luck.

What's this?

That is the number of patients that come to the Campus Surgery

as the result of a sexual assault or sexual abuse.

They present with stress and insomnia, wanting STI tests.

Fascinating, I'm sure.

But as our internal survey shows, the overwhelming majority

-of female students feel very safe here.

-According to who?

Our sources are, of course, anonymous.

Yes. Very. So we've carried out our own little study.

But we couldn't find a single student who's actually seen

this so-called survey, let alone filled it in.

Well, if that's all your evidence...

That's from the police.

It's their assessment of the number of sexual assaults involving

Letherbridge Uni students in the last 12 months.

But our survey by the Campus Security Team shows that

sexual assaults are down by 20%.

Well, those are the figures that you've released to the public.

That's the real figure. From Campus Security.

It shows a rise of 25%.

How did you get this?

What you should be more concerned about

is what we're going to do with it?

You have to understand, my job here is to help promote the university

in a very competitive market.

It's not just a case of attracting the top students - we also

need to bring in business investment.

The safety of your students must come before the reputation

of your institution.

If that reputation is tarnished, there won't be any students.

No students, no Campus Surgery.

Well, now's your chance to set the record straight.

You won't get another one.

Well, thank you very much.

I'll take all of this under advisement.

We had a feeling you might say that.

Roly...I've some bad news.

It's the Archduke.

He is no more.

No, no, no. It's the Archduke.

He's left us, mate. Yeah. That's it.

Be strong but, you know, with a bit of sensitivity.

You can do this. Just think gravitas.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

Hey! Oh, wow! There they are! What a couple!

So, how was the old Fleece?

Bet that place hasn't changed one bit.

Hey, you've got him to sleep. He must really like you.

-I'm going to go and use the little girl's room.

-OK.

I've saved him same lamb shank.

Shall we go through to the kitchen? Cos there's a couple of beers left.

You didn't finish the beers? What's going on?

Mate, it was very peaceful.

Yeah, you can hear the traffic sometimes.

Mate, you can finally shake off the shackles of maternal control.

Are you sure you haven't drunk too much?

It's the Archduke - he has chased his last mouse.

I'm so sorry, mate.

We've seen your promotional video.

Dr Reid is going to be one of its stars.

Oh, no, she isn't. But it was very clever -

trying to get an endorsement from a victim of the very sexism

you're trying to sweep under the carpet.

Is your little production a true depiction of what female students

experience here?

Cos we don't think so.

So we've been working on a more...realistic version,

with the help of your own film-maker.

Here's the trailer.

'The University of Letherbridge. A respected seat of learning.

'A caring, safe environment, where all students are treated

'with respect.

'A forward-thinking establishment that is supportive towards women...

'..and where students get lots of feedback.

'The University of Letherbridge.

'Why WOULDN'T you send your daughter here?'

Who's seen this?

Just you...for now.

But with one click, it can be all over the internet.

Yes, and, well, once it's out there...

He's ruled my life, bit me, scratched.

He's left fur balls in my bed.

What am I going to do without him?

Snagglepaws?

Oh, yeah, he's just having a bit of a catnap, bless him.

He's dead!

I'll inform the solicitor's.

Goodbye, old friend.

-His heart.

-Yeah, it was probably a cardiac arrest.

No, no, no, I can feel it.

What?

-Well?

-Wow.

It's thready, but there's definitely a beat. My CPR totally worked.

How could you not realise he was still alive?

I don't know! I'm used to human pulses! I'm a GP,

I don't generally deal with a feline.

OK, OK. Snagglepaws, I take it back.

You can bite and scratch as much as you like.

And I love your fur balls.

He's not out of the woods yet.

Let's put him in the recovery position.

-Shouldn't we call a vet?

-What if we do nothing?

-You heard Al, he could still die.

-Yeah, well, he's had a good life.

-What?

-He's got to go sometime, yeah?

And when he does, all this will be yours.

You want me to kill Mum's cat?

Not kill. Let go.

Do you not want to live with me?

I don't think now is exactly the time for a debate.

It was Snagglepaws who brought us together.

Yeah, well, it's Snagglepaws that's keeping us apart.

Just do what you can.

Would your mother want him to be put through this?

She'd want me to try everything.

What if he doesn't make a full recovery?

If he needs extra care, there won't be any time for us.

-Come on, Snagglepaws.

-My nan's ginger lived to be 22.

I can't wait another ten years!

Heartbeat's definitely getting stronger.

Oh, yes!

Really, Roly? Are you choosing a cat over me?!

Becky, was it only ever about the money?

A million pounds wouldn't keep me here.

I'd say he's got eight lives left, but he's going to make it.

Thank you, thank you.

Looks like it's just going to be the two of us again.

I take it you have a list of demands.

Yes. Firstly, we'd like you to publish the real statistics.

And we'd like Letherbridge University to work closely

with the police and the Campus Surgery and counselling services.

And we'd like you to expel any perpetrators.

Including Max Bauman and his league of perverts.

So it's blackmail.

That's such an ugly word, isn't it?

But in this case, unlike your statistics,

totally accurate.

Florentine?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Ah, Miss Pitman, Mrs Hollins.

We've had a bit of a think.

I knew you would come round in the end.

I'm actually owed some annual leave.

And me some time off in lieu.

-So we're going to take a week off.

-Starting next Monday.

The day that the book-lending service begins?

-Oh, it's just a coincidence.

-Good luck with it, though.

Went with the old, "Are you sure you're not a model?"

Works every time!

Max Bauman?

Yeah. What's up? Someone dropped some litter?

The Vice Chancellor wants a word...

..now!

Why is there a bookcase here, full of scruffy old books?

-Please, get rid of him!

-I can't do that, it's not my place!

Look, you've made this bed, now you've got to lie in it.

Where do you think you're going?

-Get off me!

-Come on! Keep this civil.

Stop it!