Stuff Happens Doctors

Reg? Which towel should I use?

Oh, not the embroidered ones.

Um...wait, wait. I'll, er...I'll get you a clean one.

Now, I need the bathware section.

Don't worry, I've found a tissue.

Oh! Oh, OK, that's all right.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Oh, yes.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh. I don't know how you cope with all this.

Oh. Well, everything's in order, it's easy.

But look what I found.

A toy train.

No! It's vintage.

German-made, clockwork. Very rare.

Right, well, shall we do your blood pressure?

There's a vintage model convention near Birmingham. You can still find pieces there.

I've always wanted to go, but...

No! No! No! Ah!

Her chair. Sorry, Reg.

A Scotsman In Love.

I'm very glad it was recommended.

OK. Yeah, I'll check for you. Two ticks.

No. Ever so sorry.

I will reserve it for you.

Yes, thank you. Bye.

Looking after the literary needs of our patients?

Me and Valerie said we would have nothing to do with this,

but we can't escape the flipping thing!

Oh, come on, it's not all that bad.

At least we've discovered your hidden talents as a librarian.

Yes. Well, I will be available for the rest of the day

if you'd like to call me back.

Well, thank you.

SHE SPEAKS POLISH

I am expecting an important phone call today,

-so if you'd like to put it straight through.

-Yeah.

I didn't know you spoke Polish, Mrs Tembe.

Well, I have just been familiarising myself with a few Polish words.

Building cultural bridges.

Polish?

Well, there is a new practice that has opened in a small town near Opole.

Oh! More books!

Well, if you'd like to just bring them through there. Thank you.

Straight through.

It's high today. You been taking your meds?

Regular as clockwork.

-What about sleeping?

-Mm.

Come on, what's up, Reg?

Oh, money. Well, the lack of it.

Of course. They've stopped your Carer's Allowance, haven't they?

And my pension isn't stretching, so I've had to take drastic action.

-What?

-A lodger.

-Here?

-Yes. I put an ad in the Post Office with this.

-How old is this?

-Well, it doesn't matter. You get the gist.

-Anyway, he didn't seem to mind.

-Oh, you've already found someone?

Yes. A Frank Prescott.

He seemed pleasant enough, and he was wearing a tie.

Paid the deposit, and Bob's your uncle.

There you go. Money problems sorted.

-Mm.

-What?

Oh, I'm not sure I'm ready.

Oh, well, I've seen an advert in the paper

where they do decluttering for you.

Declutter what?

This isn't clutter!

Oh, that's him already.

Your lodger, Frank?

I-I-I'm not ready!

He's a bit rough around the edges. What's happened to the tie?

Frank! You're early.

-Hiya, Reg. Where's your loo?

-Eh?

My bladder, I'm bursting!

When you've got to go, you've got to go.

Well, manners wouldn't go amiss. I hope at least he observes the sign.

If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's...

Oooh! His stuff's a bit random.

I thought these went out with the ark.

Oh, look, you've got the same one.

Absolutely not.

Josiah Wedgewood, yes. Bargain basement, no.

Maybe I've been a bit too hasty.

Yeah, well, I'm worried that Frank didn't do a viewing.

Yeah, well... Would you wait here until he comes down? Please?

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

Oh! Someone's a busy bee.

I didn't even see you come in.

Oh, yes, I needed to get a head start.

-Some letters for you to sign.

-Oh!

I can tell you've got a determined air about you.

I usually summon my power animals during my guided meditation.

-Do you?

-Today, I've got the focus of a gazelle.

PHONE RINGS

Oh! Got it.

See? Focus.

Hello, Dr Emma Reid's phone.

Oh! Lena.

No. No, she's right here.

Hiya. What's up?

-LENA:

-Emma?

I can't believe she means it!

-Who?

-Amy just called and laid into me!

Oh. Tell me what happened.

It was horrible. I have never heard her so furious.

I'm so sorry.

I can't bear it.

And Steven, apparently, he hasn't eaten or slept.

Amy says he's in pieces.

Oh, Emma, I never meant to hurt him like this. It's such a mess!

Oh, it...it's tough.

-Sorry?

-I said it's tough.

I mean, Amy's in pain. She doesn't really mean it.

You don't know Amy.

She just needs time. We all do.

Look, I'm sure it's going to be great.

How so?

Well, no more money problems, for starters.

That's got to be a good thing.

And you could do with the company.

Well, we never had visitors, heaven forbid a lodger!

Yeah, well, let's hope this lodger doesn't change his mind and ask for his deposit back.

Oh! Um...I've spent it already. I had a water bill.

It's going to be fine, I'm sure.

-Got a plunger I could use?

-What?

Got a bit clogged up. Nothing serious, should free easily enough.

-Bog roll.

-You've blocked my toilet?!

Well, I couldn't help it, that thin, cheap stuff.

You've got to use twice as much. False economy, if you ask me.

Anyway, I mopped it up with those fancy towels.

Right, what about mealtimes?

-What?!

-Your missus' cooking times.

I don't like to tread on a lady's toes in her kitchen.

I haven't got a wife!

You made out there was a woman living here.

I thought, that's handy, for the laundry and that.

Reg lives alone.

So, who...who...who's the curlers

and pink dressing gown belong to, then, eh?

They're not yours, are they?

No, I can do liberal, mind, but...

They belonged to my mother. This was her...hers,

when she was alive!

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, sorry to hear that.

So...so, you never left home, then?

You told me you were a businessman when I met you!

A builder's a business!

I was on my way to the Jobcentre!

As an unemployed builder, aren't you a bit late in years to be renting?

Lots of older people rent these days.

Family home had to get sold after my divorce.

Can't afford to buy now, in a nutshell.

Huh! Women, eh? Who needs them?

Reg, do you still have those leaflets I gave you on relaxation?

Why don't we go and have a look, while you sort out the bathroom?

-You take care of yourself, won't you?

-Yes.

Oh, my goodness! I have just heard some disturbing things about Lena.

What?

Well, not disturbing so much as surprising.

About her leaving her husband and becoming a lesbian.

-Where did you hear that?

-Social media.

Anyway, I thought, if it's true, the person who'd know would be you.

I don't think we should be talking about Lena's personal life, do you?

Yeah, of course.

Mind you, if that is true, that is a big upheaval,

leaving her family like that.

Yes, well, we need to get on.

And, of course, it must have affected you.

-What?

-Well, you're very close and she's living with you.

Valerie, I really do think you should get to reception.

So...did Lena move in...because of you?

EMMA SIGHS

Are you all right, Mrs Tembe?

Er...yes, yes, I am fine.

Have you seen Nurse Lee?

She's still on her rounds. She must be running late. What's up?

It is the stocktake, it needs to be in for tomorrow.

Well, not to fear, it's on her calendar for this afternoon.

PHONE RINGS

Mill Health Centre.

Sorry?

Oooh! Mrs Tembe, it's your, um...Polish call.

Um...right. Could you tell them that I will call them back?

Um...I'm ever so sorry...

So, anyway, look, I've signed the letters,

so you might as well take them with you.

And, er...well, my next patient will be here.

Shouldn't you get back to the desk?

Yep. Right.

Just send them straight in.

No wonder you got so behind.

-Pardon?

-With work.

Spending all that time hanging out with Lena.

Oh. Right.

You know, you could have talked to me.

I would have been the soul of discretion.

-Surprise!

-Hi.

-Hello.

Sorry I couldn't chat earlier, I needed to speak to Em.

Oh. OK. Huh!

Yeah, I suppose you do need to talk.

Well, things have been a bit crazy, as you can imagine.

Not when you're out of the loop.

-Anyway, what are you doing here?

-Token of thanks.

Is it OK if I steal Emma for a couple of minutes.

Actually, I'm in the middle of surgery, so, um...

But I do have a gap in about half an hour.

Oh. OK. I'll come back then.

EMMA SIGHS

Right, bathroom's back to normal, no damage done.

-You OK now?

-As long as he stays in his room.

Don't get wound up.

Better get my stash out of the van.

-Couldn't give me a hand, could you?

-Me?

Yeah. I've got a bad back. A slipped disc.

Your blood pressure's too high.

Lifting heavy boxes is a bad idea.

Why? What's the matter with you, then?

I've got hypertension, not that it's any of your business.

I had a mate who had that.

He...he...he couldn't cope with lifts.

That's claustrophobia.

I'm high risk for a stroke,

so I don't need any stress.

So, I'm a diabetic, but you don't see me moaning.

Right, come on.

Oh, ta. There's only a few bits and pieces.

These?

Er...no, no, no. It's...it's...

At last, I have you to myself.

I'm sorry that there isn't more time.

Don't worry. I just wanted to say thank you.

-What for?

-For dumping on you about Amy.

I've messed up. I am a terrible parent.

You're not. She just needs time.

I've been so wrapped up, I've neglected you.

You see, I'm a rubbish partner, as well.

Don't be silly.

We've just spent so little time together since our weekend away.

Well, it's hardly surprising.

I've missed us.

Maybe we should go for a walk, have a quiet drink somewhere.

Lena, I can't. I've got a full day.

OK.

But there'll be time soon enough.

Don't worry. We will get through this.

It's not a van, it's a flipping Tardis!

This is horrendous! He's even brought his rubbish.

I mean, look at all these empty bottles!

They are going straight into recycling.

Come in handy one day. Candle holders.

Where are you going with that?

I like to put my feet up when I watch a bit of telly.

Oh, no, not in here.

The ad says, "house share".

If I'm not mistaken, this is part of the house.

Now, now, now, stop!

Just read the labels!

Winter curtains, rolled-up rugs.

This is the soft furnishings section.

All looks the same to me.

Says the man with a lot of pointless junk. It's a fire hazard!

Er...pot and kettle spring to mind.

My mother had impeccable taste and an extraordinary instinct for order.

That man wouldn't know good taste if it smacked him on his thick...

That...that is my mother's!

I brought this in with me!

Don't...!

How old are you?! Put it down, both of you!

MUSIC: JINGLE BELLS

AYESHA AND FRANK CHUCKLE

Karen, do you know if Mr Lane's blood sample test results are back?

Um...I'll chase that after lunch, if I may.

As well as brush up on your Polish?

I still don't know what that was all about.

While you're being clueless, I'd get your passport ready, if I were you.

-What?

-ZARA CHUCKLES

Mrs Tembe, you don't look well.

I am just a little under the weather.

Looks as though you may have a temperature.

-Oh, no.

-I'd get off home, if I were you.

Yes, yes, I-I-I will, but first, I have some good news

about, er...about Poland.

What do you think about us being twinned with another practice?

We could get to know their culture,

we can have exchange visits

and, er...well, maybe display some pictures.

Mrs Tembe, I think that any proposals of that nature

need to be put before the partners at a meeting.

Well, yes, of course.

I was just getting some details together

before making an informed proposal later on.

No, no. No! No! No!

You see, I've put up with people moaning about flipping books being out of stock

when I should be sorting emergency appointments.

No! Really, the twinning thing, not a good idea.

Bonkers. Sorry.

I've really got to go.

Sorry, we shouldn't have laughed.

Yes, well, Mother's belongings are not a matter for ridicule.

Sorry, didn't mean to take the pee.

I'm going to have my lunch.

And so am I.

You will have to wait. I always have my lunch at this time.

My diabetes won't wait. I'm on a strict meal routine, too.

I thought you didn't like to moan?

It's a fact! I've got to watch my blood sugar levels don't drop.

-Isn't that right, Nurse?

-Yeah. Cut him some slack,

he's got to look out for his health just as much as you do.

He should come with a government health warning!

Reg, have you taken your pills today?

Why don't we go and have a sit-down?

Can you get Reg some water while you're at it?

I can do better than that. I'm going to make him a nice cup of tea.

See?

SHE BREATHES HARD

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

I thought you could do with this.

Oh. Mm. Thank you, that is very kind.

I'm ever so sorry for biting your head off earlier.

I think your heart's in the right place, Mrs Tembe,

but I think that things are getting out of hand.

When the library trial ends, I'm not going to be backing it. I'm sorry.

Why? The patient feedback has been very positive.

I thought it was going well.

Because this is a place of work, not a community centre.

Right. I see.

Well, you're entitled to your opinion

and you have to say what you believe.

The Mill's great as it is, we don't need all these extra gimmicks.

Sorry, I...

SHE GASPS

PHONE RINGS

Mill Health Centre, can I h...?

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Dr Reid's at Campus Surgery today.

Can I take a...?

-Someone's not happy.

-Who was it?

She didn't say.

I know, I know, I'm doing the stocktake now.

Is Mrs T on the warpath?

Don't worry, she's got other things on her mind.

-Like Poland.

-What's this about Poland?

Where have you been? You've been flipping ages!

Mrs Kelly?

You would not believe the morning I've had with Reg Manning.

-Reg? He's a sweetie.

-Sweetie? Sweetie, my foot!

He's got this new lodger - Frank.

They're both pensioners, but they've been squabbling about their stuff all morning.

I felt like their flipping mother!

You can't touch a bloke's stuff.

Rob goes mad at me if I touch his fishing gear. His ears go red!

Men never grow up.

Beneath every man in a suit is a small boy in short trousers.

Yeah, well, I've just seen two grown men

have a tug-of-war over a bag of Christmas tat.

Tell her I'm on it.

You don't mind, do you? Darts is on.

Oh, I wish I could eat any time I wanted.

My wife used to say to me,

"Frank, it's not because you're a diabetic,

"it's because you're a greedy git!"

-Ha!

-Oh!

-Get out of my mother's chair!

-Argh!

-Out!

-Argh!

-Out!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Argh! No!

Ow! Ow! It's gone, my back's gone!

OK, that's great. If you'd like to take a seat?

Hello. Can I help you?

Emma Reid's here, isn't she?

Well, she's with a patient at the moment,

but if you'd like to take a seat. It might be quite a wait.

Where is she?!

Don't! No! You can't go in there!

Get out of my way!

Oh, you're Amy.

Oh, this must be awful for you.

I'm a friend of your mum's.

Not that kind of a friend, but...

Emma Reid, get out here!

Mrs Tembe, I'm really sorry, I've got to go out again.

-PHONE:

-Well, what is the matter?

My patient's in a state, something's kicked off with his lodger.

His blood pressure's already really high

and I'm worried his blood sugar levels could rocket.

Then you must go.

The order's got to be done by tomorrow.

I will sort it out. You just go.

Thanks, Mrs Tembe.

Amy, I, um...

I understand how you feel.

What?!

This...this happened to you, has it? This exact same thing?

-No.

-Then why say it?

Look, I didn't want this to happen. Not like this.

How can you say that?!

My parents aren't together because of you!

I know, and I'm very sorry.

Sorry? Dad can't stop crying.

She's...she's my mum!

Why have you done this to us?

I can't believe you two!

I need to check your blood pressure, and your sugar levels.

-How's your back?

-Terrible!

He assaulted me just for sitting in this blasted chair!

It was my mother's chair, you ignorant, unfeeling buffoon!

If you two want to slag each other off, then be my guest,

but do it on your own time!

Blunder into my home, you upturn everything, you don't ask.

You are the rudest, most uncouth man I have ever come across!

If you don't stop arguing with him, I'll have to send you to hospital!

Your blood pressure's through the roof!

You know what your trouble is? You never left home!

You're still a mummy's boy!

How dare you?!

Right, I want you out of here this instant!

I'd rather go back to sleeping in the van!

It's preferable to spending a night under your stinking roof!

Hang on.

You've been sleeping in your van?

Oh. I'm going to pack.

Oh.

SHE BREATHES HARD

SHE WHIMPERS

SHE GASPS FOR BREATH

Oh!

SHE GROANS

And I wish you wouldn't give up on Frank.

I can't have that man in my house.

House share was a ridiculous idea.

-No, it wasn't.

-He charges in like a bull in a china shop.

She liked order. There was a place for everything.

Is everything here your mum's?

Mostly.

And that picture, when was that taken?

It doesn't matter.

It does. It's changed.

All this...stuff.

OK. She liked car boots, used to cheer her up. Harmless enough.

When she sat in that chair and didn't wake up,

at least she had...

Don't ask me to get rid of her things.

But letting go of her stuff doesn't mean you've lost her.

Is any of this actually yours?

Well, that train was a birthday present from my father.

I wasn't allowed to play with it.

Mother said it was a guilt offering.

I think the last thing your mum would want

is for you to end up lonely.

Look, Amy, this can't go on.

I have patients to see.

If you want to talk about this another time,

-away from the surgery...

-I Googled you!

Right.

You tried to kill your husband!

-No! That's not...

-Your fault that baby died.

And sleeping with a student? You're disgusting!

How do you live with yourself?

Look, your mum's not a victim.

I...I didn't ask her to leave your father.

Why can't you just leave us alone?!

Aren't you ashamed of what you've done?

SHE EXHALES

KNOCK AT DOOR Yeah?

What are you going to do?

I don't know. I've used up all my friends' favours.

Isn't there any family you can crash with?

I don't want to stay with my son, to be honest.

I feel a right nuisance.

Families, eh? You've just got to get on with it, trust me.

I don't get on with my daughter-in-law, though.

Hm. She hates clutter.

No, it's back to the van.

Oh, Frank, you mustn't.

As long as my back holds out, I'll be all right.

I slept in my car once. It was definitely a low point.

I can't imagine you down, like that.

Had you down as sorted.

Hm! If it wasn't for friends, I probably wouldn't be here.

Well, too late for me there.

A 30-year-marriage ends and I didn't see the end coming.

I know I'm not the easiest to live with,

but I thought my luck had changed.

Funny, I didn't even mind his posh junk.

This should so work for you both. I could bang your heads together.

Well, it's not down to me any more.

The fat lady has sung. Careful!

Hey, check this out.

What do you know about model trains all of a sudden?

-I'm interested.

-You weren't this morning.

Yeah, well, how often does a vintage train thingy cross your path?

This is amazing!

Ah! Where did you get this?

I bought it for my son. Yeah, but he didn't want it.

Ah, youth! Don't appreciate quality.

Look, they even fit together.

Ah-ah-ah-ah! Take it off her, before she breaks it.

Nice try, Ayesha.

I always fancied that model fair up Birmingham way.

Get away! Me, too.

Really?

Hang on, have a butcher's of, er...this.

Aw, fantastic!

Hey, now then...

Oh, we could, um...we could build the kit for the loco and the tender.

And the carriages.

Yeah, we...we'd need some rail, naturally.

I wanted to put one in my loft, but my missus said no.

Well, we could always clear a space here.

Does that mean Frank's staying?

Well, um...what do you think?

Well, I've had a lot of change lately,

I could do with a bit of stability, to be honest with you.

Well, how about we try and get tickets to that model convention?

-Yeah?

-THEY LAUGH

-It's a deal!

-Absolutely! Look at that!

Oh, this is a fantas... This is a classic German.

-Isn't that amazing?

-You can see that, German written all over it.

-That's very similar to yours, of course.

-It is.

-That's beautiful.

-Now, this is a classic.

-Oh, yeah.

-That's a classic.

-You can see the coupling and everything on that.

-That's right.

Mrs Tembe, could you...?

MRS TEMBE WHIMPERS Mrs Tembe?

Karen! Heston!

Mrs Tembe? MRS TEMBE YELLS

Oh! Is it tender?

-Argh!

-Oh.

-She has a femoral hernia.

-What?!

-It's probably strangulated.

-Why didn't we know about this?!

I'll get some IM analgesia.

What's happened?! Is she all right?!

OK, Karen, we need a blood pressure monitor!

And call for an ambulance, please,

tell them it's a query strangulated hernia.

MRS TEMBE WHIMPERS

Mrs Tembe... Mrs Tembe, everything is going to be OK.

-Is she going to be all right?

-Her pulse is very weak.

-Ambulance, please. The Mill Health Centre.

-Mrs Tembe?

-Query strangulated hernia.

-Mrs Tembe? Mrs Tembe?

Heston!

Will she be all right?

SIRENS WAIL

Things will settle down. People will get used to the idea.

They'll have to.

-You think I'm a kid.

-You're my son!

I don't want you taking drugs, making drugs, selling drugs!

You understand?! Now, get out of here.

Cheers.

There are nine children in hospital already.

One of them's in a coma, fighting for his life. Please!