Mate's Rates Doctors

Sid!

Sid! How've you been? It's been ages.

Johnny! Gosh, it has been...

Yeah, sorry I've not, um...been...

Laura. Hi.

-You know each other?

-Dr Vere is my GP.

Yeah. Um...how've you been?

Good. That's why you've not seen me.

-THEY CHUCKLE

-Small world.

-Yeah.

You got time for a coffee?

Sure, yeah. I've got five minutes.

-It's good to see you, man!

-You, too.

Me and Sid were in halls in our first year at uni.

-Right.

-20 blokes on one corridor.

I could tell you some stories!

Um...I've got an early meeting.

-It's nice to see you, Dr Vere.

-You, too.

Johnny, that's for breakfast, and that's what I owe you.

-Perfect.

-I'll call you about the weekend.

-Bye, Doctor.

-Bye.

So, er...you know Laura?

Yeah, yeah. A few months now. She's great.

-How did you meet?

-On the internet.

Loads of people meet on the internet now. I was at a wedding...

-We're not dating.

-Oh. Right.

It's a professional relationship, that's all.

Oh.

Whoa! What's going on?

I'm making lunch.

Lunch? We haven't had breakfast yet.

I have. I got up early.

Promise me you've eaten breakfast.

Yes, dear. Two slices of toast.

That's the thing I dread most about getting older.

You suddenly lose that magical ability to enjoy a lie-in.

We all have to get old.

This is too much. I need a coffee.

How am I supposed to make breakfast when there is stuff everywhere?

And what is that smell? Have you been frying garlic or something?

-I thought it would be nice.

-Who's going to wash all this up?

-I will.

-You're catching a train.

-I've got time.

HE SIGHS

Where'd this come from? It's huge!

I bought it. You haven't got a lasagne dish.

Who needs a lasagne dish? They come in handy little trays.

That's not food.

Who's the health-care professional around here?

Also, I think you are seriously overestimating

the amount of people left in this family.

I'll soon be out of your hair.

I thought we were going to have a sandwich.

You could have asked.

-You think I'm a hooker?

-No, I didn't say that!

You think I would sell myself for money?!

I'm...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to offend.

It's just that when you said...

-JOHNNY LAUGHS

-I'm winding you up, man!

-Right.

-Still can't believe you thought that.

We used to live together.

Yeah, with 18 other people, and you did get kicked out.

Er...that wasn't my fault.

-You set fire to the carpet.

-That WAS my fault.

It wasn't my fault someone grassed on me.

-And it was an accident.

-Of course it was,

but they were talking about making the whole floor pay for it,

so someone probably just...

It's water under the bridge. I grudge no bears.

So, you and Laura are just mates, then?

No. She's one of my regular clients.

There's a website.

If you're a bit short of friendship for whatever reason,

you can hire someone by the hour.

-But it's not for sex?

-No!

It's called MatesNotDates.co.uk.

You want to go to a gig, but you have no-one to go with,

so you hire someone.

Then you don't have to go on your own and feel like a right nana.

I see.

You should try it. You'd make a ton of cash!

I've already got a job, mate.

Yeah, that's true, yeah. Huh!

Isn't it kind of taking advantage of people?

I mean, if they're willing to pay for friends,

they're obviously in a bit of a vulnerable place.

Or maybe they're just new to the area, or maybe they're just shy.

You said yourself, lots of people meet on the internet.

Yeah, but these people are actually paying you money.

Are you even qualified for something like this?

Course I am! I'm a great friend.

Yeah. Well, um...I've got to go, mate.

Aw, Sid. Sid, come on, sit down.

No, I've got to go to work, but I'll send you a text or something.

Right? See you.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mrs Tembe?

-Oh, er...Dr Carter.

-I did knock.

Zara mentioned a CPD course. I wondered, do you have the brochure?

Er...well, I did have,

but Dr Carmichael has all the literature.

-OK, I'll talk to her.

-Hm!

Interesting book?

Oh, well, I, er...I read most of it in one sitting.

It is such a beautiful story.

It is a mystery and a love story.

The scene in the museum...

Well, I do not want to give too much away.

Sounds intriguing.

Well, er...Mr Gupta and I

are hoping to see the author at the Vale Literary Festival.

I have a meeting at St Phil's

and I'm hoping that he will read the book before we go.

I'm glad that you two are getting on so well

and pleased I had some part in getting you together.

Well, thank you again. It was a wonderful evening.

Everyone had a wonderful time.

I don't think Ruhma got quite as much out of it as I'd hoped for.

Well, perhaps she will improve when she sees the film.

I think it will be a while before I can persuade her to do that.

Well, that is a shame.

Anyway, give my regards to Charles.

Hm. I will.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

All right, mate?

Johnny! What are you doing here?

Bumping into you, it reminded me, I've been meaning to see a doctor.

Right. Well, what about your usual GP?

Ah. Never got around to registering.

We're not supposed to treat people we know, so...

-Dr Reid's really good, if...

-Oh, come on, I'm all signed up now!

And it's not like we see each other all the time, is it?

No, I guess not. OK.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, I've been getting pains.

Pains...?

Like, twinges.

Sort of...here, sometimes over here, as well.

OK. Is the pain related to exercise?

Sometimes, sometimes not so much.

-Right. Well, do you smoke?

-No.

What about alcohol? How many units do you get through in a week now?

Huh! A massive zero.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I stopped two years ago, totally cleaned up my act.

Wow! OK, well, er...lift up your shirt.

Oooh! Bit forward!

I need to examine you.

-Come on, on the bed.

-Sorry.

So...how does patient confidentiality work, then?

-Sorry?

-Well, once I'm your patient,

you're not allowed to talk about me to anyone else, is that right?

-There's nothing wrong with you, is there?

-Well, if you say so.

This is about Laura, isn't it?

Sid, I know it was you who grassed on me at uni.

-What? No, no...

-Do you know, it's fine, it really is!

That's who you are.

And you're right, why should everyone else have to pay

just because those indoor fireworks were faulty?

They weren't indoor fireworks!

It's water under the bridge!

But...I don't want you talking to Laura.

I don't want you telling her things that you think are true, but aren't.

What things?

You know.

I'm different now.

I stopped drinking.

Yeah, well, it takes a lot more than that.

And, anyway, I have a responsibility to my patients.

To ALL your patients.

I provide a service.

And whether Laura wants to see me or not is her choice.

And I don't need you muddying the waters, so...

..leave it alone, mate, yeah?

ZARA: A camping holiday? Are you out of your mind?!

Why would you book something like that

without running it by me first?!

-Because I got a good price.

-Because it's winter!

-Joe will get frostbite!

-It's unseasonably mild.

Warm for March is still cold.

It's going to be fine, OK?

I just never really expected you to go.

-Oh. Right.

-It's a boys' trip.

OK? I've already explained to Joe

that Mummy's going to be too worried about her nails

and her heels to rough it for a weekend.

-Hang on!

-Look, we're going to have an adventure, Joe and I.

PHONE RINGS

We're going to climb trees, cook sausages in the open-air.

We're going to do all that, and you can have the house to yourself.

Yes?!

What now, Karen? I KNOW I have a gap for patients right now.

So, what's the occasion?

Er...no occasion, I just thought you might like lunch.

You're one of my most regular clients and...

Well, it's like a free gift.

I've never been sure about free gifts. There's always a catch.

Oh, well, there's no catch, just food.

And I'm not going to try and sell you a time-share.

Does that still exist?

Well, I-I-I think so, yeah.

I saw an ad for it somewhere. You get a free holiday.

And then one day, they ambush you and try and take you hostage

until you promise to buy into a chalet near Plymouth.

Plymouth? That's very specific.

Johnny, are you OK?

Er...yeah. Yeah, I-I'm OK.

I've never seen you like this before.

If I didn't know better...

You're not about to propose or something, are you?

Ha-ha! You got me! Heh-heh!

I want to make an honest woman of you!

No! Er...that wouldn't be professional at all.

What it is is, as I said, you're one of my most regular clients

and we have a good time, don't we?

-I wouldn't give you my money if we didn't.

-Well, exactly.

Out of all the jobs I've had over the years, this is my favourite way of making a living

because it doesn't feel like work at all.

-That's nice.

-And I have had some terrible jobs!

So...I was wondering,

with that in mind,

how would you feel about being friends for real,

in real life, without any money involved?

For free?

How dare you reinforce gender stereotypes to our son?

I wasn't aware that I had.

"Mummy's too concerned with her nails and her high heels."

I can rough it as well as any man!

Hm. Sorry about this, Mrs Jenkins.

Funny(!)

I will have you know that I was in the Girl Guides.

Yeah, until you got, um...kicked out, wasn't it?

We don't talk about that.

I still know how to climb trees and tie knots,

and I can start a fire with a magnifying glass.

-I'm impressed.

-You should be!

Thing is, it's...it's all been a bit full-on recently

and I was just hoping to have some time to bond with Joe.

Man to man, you know?

So, would you mind if this time, it was just us boys?

You really should spend some time together. Joe would love that.

OK.

I'll see you at lunch.

Oi! Dr Snuggles! Get out here!

It's just ringing, ringing in my head.

-Johnny?

-This is your fault!

OK, OK, just...just calm down.

Two years! Two years, I didn't have a drink!

-How many have you had?

-Don't judge me, Doogie Howser!

I'm not, I'm not! Just...just...just tell me what happened, OK?

-You ruined everything!

-I-I didn't mean to.

Why don't we just come in here and we can talk about it, yeah?

-All right, all right, get off me!

-All right, all right, after you.

All right, all right!

(Sorry, sorry.)

Maybe I should call the cab company.

It's fine. There's time.

What if there's traffic?

Well, I'll catch the next train.

And all the shops will be shut and you won't have any food.

We've had a big lunch.

Please promise me you're going to eat properly.

SHE SIGHS

What?

Huh! Nothing.

HE SIGHS

What are you going to do for the rest of the day?

Um...I don't know.

I might crack open a box set and go to the pub.

SHE SIGHS

Tomorrow, a couple of ladies from the church will come around.

They'll probably bring a pot of something.

Good. That's good.

I imagine they have a rota.

Some of them have been through this themselves,

so when it happens to someone, we band together.

-It's nice that you...you have each other.

-Mm.

And I'll come and see you...soon.

That'd be nice.

If you need anything, you'll call me?

I will.

HE SIGHS Where is that cab?

This is your fault!

Just calm down.

I knew you were going to say something.

That's why I tried to talk to her first!

Laura?! No, I didn't say anything, I swear!

Yeah, right(!)

Why don't you just tell me what happened?

I asked her if she wanted to be my friend, and she said no.

That's what she said?

That's what she meant!

She doesn't have room in her life for that kind of relationship.

Said she was happy with the way things were.

And if I really wanted to be her friend,

why did I keep taking her money?

Right.

I told her, we could just pretend I never said anything.

But she said that wouldn't work, it would be too weird.

And now she doesn't want to see me any more.

I'm really sorry, Johnny.

Is there anyone I can call?

What? You want to get rid of me?

No. No, no, not...not at all.

It's just... Well, you're a member of AA,

so maybe there's someone who you can talk to,

someone who really understands what you're going through,

-like a sponsor perhaps?

-I don't have a sponsor. We fell out.

I see.

Well, you can stay here, then.

Maybe lie down and see if you can sleep it off for a bit?

Yeah? OK.

Apparently, the cab is just around the corner.

I told you not to worry.

Cabs are always "just around the corner".

Then they either arrive or they disappear completely from existence.

It's a Schrodinger's Cat kind of deal.

Whose cat?

Doesn't matter.

What should I do with your father's telescope?

-What kind is it?

-I don't know, just an ordinary telescope, I think.

Refractor? Reflector? What's the aperture?

If you don't want it, I can always take it to the charity shop.

No, no! I...I do want it.

It was Dad's. I want it...please.

Thank you.

HORN BEEPS

Yay! A cab! The cat lives.

RINGING TONE

Johnny?

-I'm calling Laura.

-Yeah, I don't think that's such a good...

-Laura?

-Johnny?

Laura? Are you there? Laura?!

Johnny? Johnny? Why don't you just try and sleep it off, yeah?

Heh! I'm going to sleep it off, yeah?

You do that.

Ohhhhh!

-PHONE:

-Hello?

Er...hi. Er...Laura, it's, um...Dr Vere.

Is Johnny OK? Where are you?

Yeah, yeah, he'll be fine.

Um...we're at the Campus Surgery.

I'll see if I can get away.

OK. Um...thanks, Laura. See you soon.

Are you sure this is what you want?

I don't mind the train.

-I could always drive you.

-I don't want to put you out.

Thank you.

Take care, Alasdair.

You, too.

-Alasdair?

-Yes?

I just wanted to say...

..I don't always understand you, but I am proud of you.

OK, well, take care.

Oh.

Oh! Mmmm!

Are you all right, love?

Oh, Mr Kenwright.

Yes, yes, I am fine, thank you.

Look, come on, why don't you have a seat?

We don't want you popping a stitch now, do we?

Popping a stitch!

So, er...how've you been now that you're off the antidepressants?

How...how long has it been now?

About eight weeks.

Of course, yeah.

I feel better. I'm starting to feel like my old self.

Not that I ever will completely.

And, actually, I think Johnny had a lot to do with that, you know.

It was nice to have a friend without any baggage

who didn't know me before.

-Really?

-He's fun.

He's very charming, he's a good listener.

He's good at what he does.

Right. Um...

He's not my first friend,

but he's been my favourite, I think.

Being with him helped me to get my confidence back.

And helped me get used to just being in the world.

I don't think I could have come off the antidepressants

-if it wasn't for him.

-It's just...

Well, er...Johnny can be a bit...chaotic, I guess.

And, er...I was just worried about you.

I'm actually not as fragile as people think.

That's good to know.

But don't you...don't you already have friends?

They were my husband's friends, too.

Right.

He died so suddenly...

..and violently.

And every time I saw them,

there was that hanging between us.

Yeah. Sure.

And there's something else.

Everyone thought we were this perfect couple, saving the world.

But...after he died,

I found out he was having an affair.

I'm...I'm so sorry.

I told no-one. What was the point? It wouldn't change anything.

But it was hard keeping his secret.

And for a while, I found it hard to trust anyone.

It suited me to keep people at arm's length.

To make friendship a transaction.

And that's where Johnny came in?

It's just...I'm not sure that Johnny

is as good at it as you think he is.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I don't think he's thick-skinned enough

to sell himself by the hour.

But he has other clients.

Well, you have to ask him that, I...

Right.

But I do think that he really needs a friend at the moment.

I don't know. I'm just starting to get my life back together.

Was he drunk when he rang me?

I don't think it happens very often.

He never drank with me, but I guess I don't drink, so...

Look, um...the thing that you need to ask yourself is,

was it just a financial transaction,

or was it more than that?

Come on, Mrs Tembe, what are you doing up and about already?

You're clearly rubbish at it.

Actually, I'm nearly recovered and back at work part-time.

Yeah, you're not fooling anyone.

What brings you back to this place, anyway?

A meeting.

Oh, er...my book.

Oh! I couldn't put this one down.

-You have read it?

-Oh, yeah. I loved it.

Especially all the parts...

Sorry, spoilers. I don't want to ruin it for you.

Oh, no, no, no. Actually, I finished reading it this morning.

Well, what about the bits in the museum

and all the cheeky nods to the Greek myths?

I did not notice!

Adrienne, the main character,

she's obviously Ariadne, Mistress of the Labyrinth.

I see!

The whole thing is structured like a maze.

-And Ariadne is a weaver, of course.

-Of course.

You know, everyone reckons that Theseus is this big hero

because he beats the Minotaur,

but it's Ariadne who tells him how to do it.

And what thanks does she get?

He gets her up the duff and does a runner.

It does not seem very fair.

And then, when she dies in childbirth, he feels so bad,

he pays these chaps to worship her as a goddess.

So once a month, this young lad goes to her shrine

and pretends to be giving birth.

Nah, that's not worshipping, that's rubbing it in.

What?

I was a big fan of Jason and the Argonauts as a kid.

That bit with the skeletons.

Oh! I was very scared.

It proper freaked me out, too.

-I love all that stuff, though.

-So, you read a lot?

Well, the library here's pretty good

-and there's always time for a few pages between patients.

-Ah.

Well, I, er...I'd better get back to my meeting.

Come on, I'm walking you to your meeting.

I don't want anyone else barging into you.

Thank you.

"Ghost stories." Tut!

DANIEL HUMS A TUNE

I've been thinking.

I know you want to spend some time to bond with Joe,

but I think we should all be together.

You've been through a lot lately and...

well, perhaps my boys would like me with them.

Well...of course!

Even if it is a camping trip,

I think we should be together as a family.

Come here.

Oh!

Oh, mate!

-I'm so sorry!

-Don't worry about it.

I'm the one who stuck my nose in, so...

-Did I call you Dr Snuggles?

-Yep, you did.

I'm not really sure who that is, but...

A kids' TV flashback. Take it as a compliment.

I was thinking, maybe we could go out later,

see a film, grab a bag of chips on the way home.

Yeah. Sounds good.

And, then, maybe tomorrow, help you find another meeting to go to.

It's really great that you stopped drinking, you know.

Thanks, mate.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much.

Yeah.

You've got stuff to do.

And I'm really sorry for snitching on you.

When did you know?

Come on. You're a terrible liar.

So I got kicked out, I'm not going to let

something daft like that get in the way of being mates.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oooh. Hang on.

Yours, I believe.

Laura.

Tonight? I, er...

-Yeah, mate, go for it. We can see a movie any time.

-Great.

So, what time do you want to meet?

So I said to him, kick off all you like,

but you should know there is no back to your gown,

and it won't look pretty when they show the CCTV footage in court.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-And what did he do?

He sat down very carefully and kept his trap shut.

Yes, well, I think that's what I would do.

-THEY LAUGH

-So this is you.

Oh. Well, er...well, thank you very much.

Unless you want to play hooky?

I'll create a distraction, you make a break for it.

-Perhaps another time.

-It's a date.

SHE CHUCKLES

How lovely to see you, Mrs Tembe!

Mr Gupta, how lovely to see you!

Take care of this one, Doc, she's only just back on her feet.

Right. Thank you. I think we can probably take it from here.

Well, thank you very much.

-Is that the book?

-Ah, yes.

Now, I thought you might like to read it before the weekend.

I'd love to try. How thoughtful of you, Mrs Tembe.

I have been dying to get stuck in.

I read an article, apparently, he's very influenced by the Classics.

Yes. Yes, that is what I have heard.

I am looking so forward to this festival.

It's lovely when you can be with someone

who shares the same interests.

Hm. Yes, indeed.

Oh!

And what about you? Are you actually a lesbian now, would you say,

or do you think you'll go back to men?

I just think they'd make a rather good couple.

Charles is quite smitten by her, isn't he?

I said I don't want any! Leave me alone!

Hey! I told you to wait outside!

Believe me, it's only when you share your pain

that you start to realise it's all part of the circle of life.