I Do Doctors

-It wasn't fair!

-I can't find my book!

Harry promised that I could have a go and then he let Jack.

For today's lecture, the blue one?

-Dad, listen!

-I saw it earlier.

Oh! Did you talk to the halfwits next door?

-What?

-The neighbours, about blocking the drive.

I haven't had time.

What, I have to do everything?!

Look at that! I mean, are you stupid?!

-What?!

-Do you have to be so horrible?

-Hey, everyone.

-Morning!

-What she said.

Can I have a go?

Some patient left it. Haven't the foggiest idea what it is.

-A block of wood?

-No! It's a puzzle.

I had one just like it when I was a kid.

You take it all apart and then...

No, no, no, no, no. Let the maestro have a go.

Huh! The maestro?

-It all comes down to Aristotle.

-Really?

His famous theory that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Almost makes it worth getting up in the morning(!)

Which means that...

Right, we're going to abandon Aristotle,

he didn't know what he was talking about.

But Gestalt and the idea that the whole has a reality of its own,

independent of its parts, which would mean that...

It's impossible!

Wow! Is the great Al Haskey admitting defeat?

Oh, just move it, would you?

Oi, moron, don't walk away!

What...?!

Right, that's it, I'm calling the police!

ENGINE REVVS

CRASH!

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

Wow!

-So, er...well, is, er...is this the bike?

-Yeah.

Isn't she a beauty?!

Yes. Maybe in her prime, but she looks a little neglected now.

Is that you telling me off?

I don't understand why you would leave it like this!

Never seemed to find the time.

Anyway, I'm sure, with a bit of TLC, we'll get her started again.

It is going to need a little more than TLC.

Perhaps even mouth-to-mouth.

-PHONE RINGS

-I'll call you back.

-PHONE RINGS

-I'm busy!

Out!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oh! You heard what I said, get out!

Is that how you speak to all your students?

Sorry. Morning from hell.

Right, then, lunch.

-Yeah?

-You look like you need a break.

Oh, what, and all this magically does itself while I'm away?

I haven't got time for tea, let alone lunch!

OK, then.

Look, do you think I want to be here, slaving away,

while you and Ethan are swanning around out there?

Is that how you see us?

You make us sound like a burden!

Is your life really that terrible?

Obviously, no, not all of the time.

Well, why can't you just appreciate what you have?!

Lara.

Lara!

-PHONE RINGS

-What now?!

MACHINES BEEP

Hello, pal, how you doing?

'Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's peachy. Really great(!)'

Any change?

It's been weeks, Daniel.

-No reaction, nothing.

-Yeah.

'Bit harsh. I can describe every blotch,

'every contour of this ceiling.'

-Well, he's had a very serious brain haemorrhage.

-I know.

I just hoped, when they brought him out of the coma,

there'd be something, some improvement.

'I've been working on my inner self.

'Progressing in leaps and bounds.'

-What did the consultant say?

-She's coming to see him soon.

She talked about doing some tests.

OK.

I don't care what anyone says.

He's still in there. I know he is!

Right, I'm ready to work on the carburettor. Spanner?

Spanner.

Right.

-SHE STRAINS

-Ah, there we go!

Nice and clear of any water.

Patient's looking dandy.

Very funny.

Well, at least we know there is no problem with the fuel system.

Which leaves what, mechanical or electrical?

I think we should look at the sparkplug.

Plug wrench?

JJ, when was the last time you cleaned these?

Ah!

You know, you can tell a lot about how an engine is running

just by looking at these.

What's the diagnosis?

It is filthy.

I love it when you talk dirty.

You have one sparkplug, all you have to do is clean it!

Oh! I keep hoping it's all been some horrible dream.

'I can hear you, you know!'

-The last few weeks have been really tough on you.

-And Ethan.

'I'm going to cut in here. Any idea what this feels like?!'

He keeps asking all these questions about when his daddy's going to wake up.

What have you said to him?

Well, I've tried to explain as best I can, but he's so confused!

He's even started wetting the bed.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

Well, if there's anything I can do...

We could have him over for a couple of nights.

Joe would be made up. I think he's adopted Ethan as his big brother.

It's great they get on so well,

but I can barely convince Ethan to go to school in the morning.

The moment he's home, he wants to be here.

Yeah, of course. He's done some lovely drawings for his dad.

-Yeah.

-'They're one of the few things keeping me going.'

Ethan's convinced his father's going to be OK.

Of course, I'm more realistic,

you know, that Neil will still be the same old grump.

'OK, I can be a bit of a pain.'

Tell me I'm not crazy, believing he's going to get better.

(Come here.)

'Oi! Less of the touchy-feely stuff, Daniel!

-'I thought you were on my side!'

-(All right.)

-How is it?

-It's a little high, actually.

Classic middle-aged man.

Stressed to the max and lucky

if I reach retirement before the heart attack.

Wow, that's a bleak view!

Happened to my last head of department.

There's another two lecturers on long-term sick leave.

So make some changes.

-What, buy a Harley and head down Route 66?

-Yeah!

Nothing as drastic as that,

but you can't keep putting yourself under so much pressure.

Working all hours and not getting enough sleep.

I could do a bunk to Japan, take that research fellowship.

What, you've been offered one?

Yeah, a couple of weeks ago. A big genetics institute.

-Wow!

-Could be just what the doctor ordered. Huh!

If the diet doesn't improve my health, there's always hara-kiri!

Um...what does Lara think?

I haven't told her.

How come?

Ethan's settled at school, Lara does her art in her spare time.

Can't really see it's part of the game plan.

-And you're OK with that?

-Yeah.

Just...occasionally wonder...

..how my life got so small.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Right, they've been moved. Can I have a painkiller, please?

Sure. What's the problem?

I've got a headache.

-It's weird.

-How come?

Well, I never get them.

I'm part of this rare subset of humanity that always avoids them.

-Right.

-Mm. It's genetic mutation, really.

One day, a death ray will hit the planet and only the Haskeys will survive.

Hopefully, a few select others.

That's terrifying.

Seriously, though, if it's your first time, it could mean something.

-What do you reckon caused it?

-I don't know.

Pub, was it?

I'm not the first man who discovered that grief is best served with ale.

-Sorry, Al.

-Don't be.

I had a great night, courtesy of my old man.

MACHINES BEEP

You got some news?

-I think we should go outside.

-Yeah, sure.

'So, the question is, what do different genetic markers tell us

'about the origins and evolution of humans?'

PHONE RINGS

Essays in a week Friday.

HE SIGHS

Hello?

4:00?

I've got a mound of marking to do before then. I'm not making any promises.

Oh!

Argh!

It's a lot to take in.

The consultant said she'd be back around 5:00.

Can you stay with me until then?

Please, Daniel, I don't think I can do this on my own.

Sure.

The tests she talked about...

'Went straight over my head.'

Basically, she'll be checking to see how Neil's brain responds,

using various stimuli.

And if he doesn't respond how he should?

Well, let's take each step at a time.

'What does that mean? What aren't you telling us?'

I need to know.

Neil suffered a pretty devastating brain bleed.

What happens if he fails these tests?

Well, they'll do them more than once, so if he passes...

What happens?

OK. If Neil doesn't respond at all,

then it might be time to consider

whether to switch off his life-support.

'Wait! Whoa! No-one said anything about...'

You can't let them do that. You can't!

Any decision will be made jointly between you and your consultant.

'And me?! Do I get any say?!

This is my life we're talking about!'

I will not give up on him.

Not unless I'm 100% sure.

'Honey, please! You've got to fight!

'You've got to fight for me!'

Oooh! Al! Al! Have you got a minute?

-What is it?

-It's about one of my patients.

All right, 56 seconds left.

OK, well, I was thinking fibromyalgia.

I mean, I've already ruled out rheumatoid arthritis and SLE, so...

What are you asking me?

Well, if I'm on the right lines, before I suggest medication, a referral, or...

Right. You're the GP, sit at your desk and make a decision. OK?

Well, yeah, it's...

Oh!

I keep thinking about his father, what Neil said.

'No! Forget about that!'

How do you mean?

Well, Neil watched his father die of Alzheimer's.

He thought it was ghastly.

He made me promise never to let him get that bad.

'Look, I-I didn't have a clue back then!'

Even if he passes these tests, am I right to leave him like this?

What if he's suffering?

'What happened to not giving up?! Lara!'

-At the end of the day, it's what's best for Neil.

-Oh, I know.

But I can't let him go. Not after...

We had an argument the day of his accident.

None of this is your fault.

'He's right. I was acting like an idiot.'

I can't bear the thought of that being the last thing he remembers.

'Me, neither.'

So, you travelled across Europe on this bike?

Yeah. I went everywhere.

Paris, Berlin.

Vienna, Prague - that was my favourite.

You know, I have always wanted to go to Prague.

I've heard it is a very magical city.

With beer at 50 pence a pint, you bet!

They were great times.

You know that age when you're in your twenties,

you think you can do anything?

Hm. Yes, well, I was working in a hospital in Gaborone.

This bolt is very tight.

You've never just pointed to a place on a map, decided to go?

Well, I, er...I came here.

-Luckily for me.

-Hm.

Oh, no! Where is that spring gone?

Come on, Mummy.

-Can we stop a minute?

-I want to see Daddy!

I know, but there's something I need to tell you first.

There's some doctors, you see, coming to check on Daddy soon.

To make him better?

They're going to do some tests to see how poorly he really is.

So they can give him some medicine?

There's something wrong with Daddy's brain, Ethan.

Do you know what that means?

-Is that why he can't talk to me?

-Yes.

It's why he can't do a lot of things.

-Like give me a big hug?

-Yes.

The doctors aren't sure if they can fix...

All right, as long as they make him better.

Come on.

What do I tell Lara?

A few weeks ago, I might have been able to do something, but now?

'A few weeks back, I had everything.'

You see, the thing is, er...

I lost this guy, um...

that I was sure I could help.

-'Tough break.'

-Anyway, um...

Zara and I have always been able to talk, but after losing John...

'Do something.

'While you still can.'

Here's me, moaning about my life...and there you are.

Come on, mate.

Come on, you've got to give me some sort of sign. Something.

'Right now, I'd give anything just to put things right.

'Like that day, if only I'd gone to lunch, made time for her.'

MUSIC: There's A Kind Of Hush by Herman's Hermits

This was a great idea.

We should do this more often. Every day, even.

-Like that's going to happen.

-No, I mean it.

The only important things are you and Ethan.

Everything else can go hang.

You sure that wine hasn't gone to your head?

Like the day we met?

I came to your exhibition.

Mm. Dragged by a pal and somewhat inebriated.

You asked me what I thought of your painting.

-You said it had good perspective.

-Well, I was nervous.

-Of all the things guaranteed to upset an artist.

-It wasn't the drink.

I was looking at the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen

and trying to think of something even half-intelligent.

Well, somehow, it did the trick.

I'm here, aren't I?

Lara?

Lara!

-MACHINES BEEP

-Daddy?

'Is that you?!'

Speak to me, Daddy!

'Oh! Hey, buddy!'

It's OK, it's OK.

You know, Daddy loves you very much.

SHE SIGHS

-Look!

-What?

His eye, there's a tear!

-'She can see me!'

-Oh!

See Daddy's eye, Ethan? This is what we've been waiting for!

Lara, it could just be a reaction.

'Oh, be really careful now, Daniel. Think about what you're saying!'

The eye drops, it's quite common for people who can't blink.

I'm sorry.

'No! Please, no! Why would you do that?!

'Why would you do that to me?!'

Right. Well, you keep doing what you're doing

and I'll see you again in about six months, yeah?

-Six months.

-OK.

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS

So, how about it - you and me, motorbike odyssey?

Do you think the slide is sticking?

I checked it earlier.

Ah, right. Well, I will just check it myself, just to make sure.

-You need a hand?

-No. No, I'll be fine.

Oh!

You are allowed to curse, you know.

Some of us have a little more self-restraint!

-Can I take a look?

-Oh!

Oooh! I think the patient needs a kiss of...

Oh! Excuse me?!

Sorry, I just thought you...

-No, you...you...you did not think.

-It was just a kiss!

Well, you are moving too fast.

I am... Look, I am not ready for this kind of relationship.

-My mistake.

-I'm...

-Al?

-HE GROANS

If a correlation exists between conscious experience

and cerebral activity,

there must be a purely psychological explanation for this pain.

-What?

-Gestalt.

I thought that he might be able to explain why I feel like my head's in a vice.

-You look like hell.

-Thank you(!)

No, I mean it. How much did you drink last night?

I think I might be experiencing my first migraine.

I guess that's possible at your age.

Do you want me to speak to one of the doctors, ask them to check you over?

No. Don't start fussing, woman.

I'm sorry.

The headache is messing with the circuitry of my manners.

-Right.

-Mm.

What I need to do is go home and lie down.

-If you're sure?

-Yeah. Doctor's orders.

Oh! Could you pass on...?

Oof! I don't think I should be driving like this, either.

Could you call me a cab, please?

HE SIGHS

-SHE SIGHS

-They're late.

Yeah.

Maybe you were right, it was nothing.

'Don't say that! Don't listen to him!'

Maybe the consultant's about to tell me he's gone.

But even if it was just one tiny moment of the old Neil,

-that's something, isn't it?

-Yeah.

When I think of all the stupid things that used to drive me crazy.

The way he used to stomp off to work every morning,

swearing at the neighbour for blocking the drive.

-What, every morning?

-I think they secretly enjoyed it.

Since Neil's been in hospital, the drive's been clear.

'Seriously?'

Even his terrible jokes.

'Do you remember that one...?'

-This one, oh, it's so awful, you have to laugh.

-Go on.

-What did the right eye say to the left eye?

-I don't know.

Between you and me, something smells.

-Oh, dear.

-See what I mean?

-Daniel?

-He blinked.

No, it's like you said.

'No, no! For once, go with the guy!'

This was a definite movement.

-His eye!

-I'll, er...I'll fetch a consultant.

I knew you hadn't left me!

'Oh! If there is someone up there, then I thank you!

'Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!'

-Bye, then.

-You're leaving?

I was never down for surgery, I was just catching up with some paperwork, so...

Sorry, I really need you here.

-Excuse me?

-Well, Al's had to go home.

Blinding headache, apparently.

Between you and me, I don't think he's coping.

Anyway, we need to cover his patients.

And I wouldn't ask if we weren't desperate.

Story of my life, that.

-Sorry?

-Never mind.

Is everything OK?

Yeah, yeah. So, er...what have you got for me, then?

-Daniel?

-Let's try something. You hold that, Ethan.

If we start with the vowels, then the most popular letters.

All right. Neil, what we're going to do is when we get to a letter

that you need to spell out a word, you blink, OK?

'OK! I get it! Come on!

'Any idea how long I've been waiting to say my piece?!'

We'll start with the vowels and the most popular letters.

So...A, E, I...

I.

A, E, I, O...

'Oh. This could go so wrong.'

..B, C, D...

-D.

-D.

OK. A, E, I, O.

OK, O.

I-D-O.

I do.

I don't understand. What's that, something to do with your marriage?

Wait, um...

The day he got sick, I saw Neil at the university.

He was really stressed out and complaining about everything.

I asked him why he couldn't just appreciate what he has.

I think this might be his answer.

'Yes! Because I do want my life!

'You and Ethan most of all,

'but the other stuff, too!

'The people, the things that infuriate me, I-I don't care.

'Right now, I'll take it all! Do you hear me? I do!'

There.

Look, what I said before...

No, no. I prefer a person to be straight with me.

It's just that I am uncomfortable with...

Enjoying yourself, being spontaneous?

You know, that really saddens me.

Yes, well, that is just who I am.

Don't you ever feel trapped by all this respectability?

When you have been a certain way for a long time, it is...

..it is difficult to change.

But I never meant to upset you.

Your friendship means a great deal to me.

Ditto.

You know, for all your faults, you're an amazing woman.

Well, you are not so bad yourself.

So, shall we give it a go?

-Oh!

-Before you say anything, I checked that slider.

I trust you.

ENGINE PURRS

-Yes!

-THEY LAUGH

ROCK MUSIC

-Ah! Someone did the puzzle.

-Only me.

-I'm a lot smarter than I look.

-Show me.

Oh, no, I couldn't. No, no, no. Trade secrets.

Come on, I want to wind up Al and Sid.

Oh, OK! OK, a little boy came and did it earlier.

I've been fiddling with it all day

and he swans in and does it in under 30 seconds!

Oooh! Have you phoned Al back to find out how he is?

I tried, but he wasn't answering.

Well, I think you should keep trying.

-It's probably just a migraine.

-You can never be too careful.

How many times have people thought it was just a simple headache?

And nine times out of ten, it usually is.

Yeah, well, it's the other times you have to worry about.

Brain tumours, haemorrhages.

Now you're just being melodramatic.

That's probably what Al's mother said to his dad.

What?

He died of a stroke, didn't he?

-You don't think...?

-No, I don't.

-Right.

-Absolutely not.

I'd like you to arrange a meeting with the partners.

-That sounds serious.

-It is.

-They prey on desperate people like you.

-Desperate?

All they do is find someone who's willing to get pregnant

and give you the baby.

-You can't be a surrogate.

-Why not?

Give me one last chance.

-To do what?

-Fair enough. I had to ask.