Slings and Arrows Doctors

SNORING

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Do you want a cup of tea?

Ahhh! Yeah, please, love.

Best make it yourself, then.

HE GROANS

Aaargh!

Mrs Tembe, how are you?

Oh, I am fine. Dr Carmichael, I just want to apologise.

Have you given it any more thought? Moving house?

Dr Carmichael. I really have no intention of moving house.

Excuse me.

Dr Haskey.

Please remember that you have the Diabetic Foot Care clinic tonight.

Tonight?

Al, you know very well it's your turn.

-It is for only an hour.

-Thing is, Mrs Tembe,

I feel like I've got that flu thing coming on.

Really?

Yeah, or it could be hay fever. I do feel quite bunged up.

Oh, well, good.

Because that means you won't be able to smell the feet.

-Your friend Trevor was all right on it.

-That was only for one night.

Thank God. And he'd had ten pints.

And Barney loves it.

Barney's a dog! He's been scratching at that door all night.

Honestly, love. This shoulder's really sore.

You should have thought about that then, shouldn't you?

I said I'm sorry.

I don't even know if I can even make it tonight.

Well, you'll just have to stay here, then, won't you?

You can't imagine it, can you? Daniel at a house sale.

Rummaging through boxes.

Come on then, what's wrong?

Oh... It's just this fostering business.

It's one thing after another.

How come?

Gina thinks we'd benefit from a more recent experience of young people.

Yeah, but you've brought two up.

Yeah, well, a lot's changed since then, apparently.

No, it's still a nightmare.

Oh, so nothing's changed!

Alia, she can be all right. But Shak, ugh!

Bad?

Well, he goes through these phases.

He's in a right bolshie one at the moment.

He knows exactly how to wind me up.

And I fall for it every time.

What does Rob say?

Oh, you know, nothing, as usual.

He was pretty bad in the training.

I don't know. Maybe we're just kidding ourselves.

Mrs Tembe, the estate agent has sent through some more details.

We are only trying to help.

But I am not interested.

I'll come to the viewings with you,

-if you think that would make a difference.

-That is very kind.

You don't have to commit yourself to anything now.

But it is the expense. The solicitors. The banks.

We'll cross all of those bridges when we come to them.

And moving. It is such hard work.

Nothing is as bad as living somewhere

where you don't want to be any more.

HE GROANS

So what brought this on, then?

The wife! Shoved me on a camp bed, didn't she?

Highest checkout only gets two free tickets to the BDO.

-You're kidding me.

-Agh!

-Sorry!

And guess who's doing the trophy.

I don't know.

No, come on, guess.

Um... The Lady Mayor?

Bobby George.

Shut up! Bobby George?! The King of Bling?

There's only one.

So how's this looking?

-Subacromial bursitis, I'm afraid.

-What?

You've done your ligaments.

You will not be playing darts this evening.

Ohh... I was nailed on for those tickets.

You know, every year, I talk about going.

I've seen you throw a few in the pub.

Yeah, I'm all right.

You looked pretty handy to me.

Let's just say, I know my way down from 501.

Right, so if this doesn't clear up in a week...

So do you fancy it, then?

What, a match sometime?

No, THE match. The final.

Just if you think you're up to it.

Well?

Well, I have to admit. Some of those houses were very nice.

What did I tell you?

-They were also very pricey.

-Isn't everywhere?

All the more reason for me to stay where I am.

Oh come on, just a little peek. It'll be fun!

It'll be like shopping.

Window-shopping.

Great. I will see you at two.

-Mrs Goddard, please.

-What about the reserves?

They've all pulled out, mate.

-OK. I'll give you a bell, right?

-Aye.

Oh, mate, would you mind rating your experience today?

Cheers, Pete. Jimmi, about the old diabetic foot clinic?

Not a chance.

-I will swap you for hypertension...

-Nope.

So I should just tell Bobby George not to bother, then?

Yeah.

Hey, I've got a solution.

What for?

Why don't you and Rob come round to ours tonight

and look after the kids?

Sorry?

-Just for a couple of hours.

-Why?

Duh! So you get some experience with teens.

And we get to go for a nice meal.

-Oh!

-Heston's all for it.

I'm sure he is.

Unless you think you can't handle it?

This sounds rather nice.

Oh, no. This is little too grand for me.

How can you say that?

South-facing in a tranquil location.

With a well-established garden and traditional features.

Two bedrooms, one with ensuite.

Having been refurbished from top to bottom,

it simply has to be seen to be appreciated.

So?

-So?

-Do I get to go and meet The Dazzler?

Yeah, why not?

After the clinic.

No, no, no. I can't rock up late with my autograph book.

-He must get that all the time.

-I'll look ridiculous.

I'm part of the action. I'm on the team!

What's it called?

He didn't say.

-Come on!

-Jimmi, please. Have a heart, they're relying on me.

-So is Mrs Abel. She can hardly get her shoes on.

-Mrs Abel...

This is not a time for bunions! Pete was desperate.

He was practically on his knees.

-Well, if you like, I could play.

-HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY

With all due respect, they're not that desperate.

-I beat you!

-When?

That one time.

-Oh, yeah. But that was a fluke.

-No, it wasn't.

Jimmi, come on. This is Bobby George.

Sir Robert of George!

-Yeah, fine.

-Yes!

But you get the next antenatal. And COPD.

-Yeah, course I do.

-Yes, you do.

-Let's play darts!

-Happy now?

-Is it that bad?

-This is your fault.

-Oh, don't talk so soft.

-You might as well have put me on a bed of nails!

-You've only got yourself to blame.

Look, I just need a decent night's kip, love.

In my own bed.

We'll see.

PHONE RINGS

-Yes?

-'Pete, we are on.'

Oh, right. Brilliant.

Yeah, I managed to twist one of my colleague's arms.

Pardon that pun.

'So who am I playing for anyway?'

Moseley Meerkats.

The whos and whats?

Pete Mears?

Oh. Mears Meerkats, very funny.

And who are our unlucky opponents?

Just try and get there early and get a bit of practice in, eh?

Right. See you.

Thank you.

Well, I must say, that property was charming.

Yes, it was rather sweet.

The fireplace was lovely. The kitchen was practical.

Plenty of room to entertain.

Everything I could possibly need.

Well, I'm pleased.

I must say, Dr Carmichael, I'm surprised at how well you know me.

Which is why I know that you will love this one.

Oh, there is no need, thank you. That one was perfect.

-Hey!

-Hey!

-All right, Pete?

This is yours.

Oh, mate! Thank you.

You're a Meerkat now.

Do you know what, I am honoured.

Come and meet the lads.

This is Minty, he's calling the scores.

That's Kevin. He's tidy, no great shakes.

And that's Trevor.

-At his best between his third and fourth pint.

-How you doing, mate?

WOMEN LAUGHING

Who's that?

That's who we're playing.

The Letherbridge Lionesses?

Top of the league last year. By a mile.

Right, don't go hogging the board, we want to warm up too.

Aye, we'll go halves.

-And where's the buffet?

-It's on its way.

-I told you to get it here early.

-It's coming!

I want them focused on darts. Not sausage rolls.

She doesn't take any prisoners.

She took me. That's the wife.

So shall I tell Charlotte about the house?

No, there is no need, I will tell her myself.

Just like that?

Why not? I have made up my mind.

But surely you need thinking time.

Really, Mrs Tembe, this is just not how these things are done.

Yes, well, that's how I do things.

Mrs Tembe, you're buying a house, not a hat.

Hat, house. I know what I like.

OK, fine. But let me speak to her first.

No, I do not want to trouble you any further.

Believe me, it'll be worth it. I know all the wrinkles.

You may well be looking at up to

£8,000 or £10,000 off the asking price.

Really, as much as that?

You may have to hold out a little bit first.

Well...then I will ask for 15.

Mrs Tembe!

When it comes to bartering, I know what I am doing. Thank you.

Hello, yes. This is Mrs Tembe.

Mrs Winifred Tembe.

I would like to purchase one of your houses, please.

Uh-huh.

Yes, on Hanberry Way.

Now, I am going to make you one offer, and one offer only.

Take it or leave it.

No wonder everyone dropped out.

Do you think she deliberately put him in that bed?

You know what, I am of a good mind to...

Dr Haskey, I'd like you to meet Mr George.

Bobby.

Mr Bobby, you are...a legend. A colossus!

-More than a colossus...

-Leave it out, son, leave it out!

It's such an honour to meet you.

Right, let's get started, then.

It's Bobby George!

You still here?

Oh, I am not working, I was just...

It's my new home.

You've bought that?

They have accepted my offer.

Already?

Well, I have Dr Carmichael to thank. She has been wonderful.

And so have you, Dr Clay.

Right, well, I think that calls for a drink.

Oh, no, I do not think so...

It's not every day you buy a house!

-For how long?

-Oh, it's just for a couple of hours.

-You sure?

-Yeah, they're just going out for a meal.

Lucky them.

Mum, we don't need baby-sitting!

Yeah, I know.

Who are these people anyway?

-A friend from work...

-Yeah, your friends, not mine!

-Look, they are very nice people.

-Oh, yeah?

They could be a pair of pervs for all I know!

Don't be so ridiculous. I'm doing them a favour.

-What, by dumping them on us?

-It's one night.

-What, you're staying out all night?!

-Oh, I wish! Of course I'm not.

Yes! Come on!

Meerkats win!

Nice darts, pal. Well done.

Doubles for dough, mate!

So what brought you here then, doc? All of a sudden?

Pint of the Old, please.

Gave you the old sob story, did he? About his cruel and heartless wife?

He didn't really go into details.

Oh, I bet he didn't!

Serves him right, you know. He forgot our anniversary.

Oh.

Which also happens to be my birthday.

Ouch.

It's like nothing else matters. He's obsessed.

-With this game?

-Every game.

For the past 15 years.

So I thought, I'll start my own team.

Give us something in common.

-And did it?

-Only made him worse.

Terrified, he is now, in case we beat him.

Well, there's no shame in being beaten by you.

You're a very good side.

Try telling him that. It's like life and death.

So what are you going to do about it?

-I'm sorry?

-Well, what's it got to do with you?

I'm not following.

I'm not losing this final because of you.

Hang on. Are you suggesting that I throw this final?

And with Bobby George in attendance?!

Excuse me. Jimmi!

Who's that? Your girlfriend?

It's my practice manager.

Hi. (It's Bobby George!)

Please make them feel comfortable, OK?

Just go, Mum.

Right, there's wine and beer in the fridge.

-If you prefer red, the Barolo is superb.

-Cheers.

We could just make this an evening at home...

Come on, you. Thank you very much.

Have a lovely time.

-So. What would you like?

-Ooh! Um...

HE SIGHS ANGRILY

-Cup of tea would be lovely.

-Tea.

-Thank you.

See? Not so bad.

She's all right. But what about him?

Oh, you'll be fine.

Come on, Al. It's all about the darts.

You just... You focus on your form.

Right then. Come here.

-Whoa, whoa!

-PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

Stop that. What do you think you're doing?!

Whatever it takes.

Stop that!

Right, let's see what your mate Pete thinks of that.

-Give me your phone, please.

-And your manager.

-Give me that phone!

-You know, anyone could walk in here.

-I don't know what they'd think.

-Delete those pictures, please!

I will. After we've won.

SHOOTING ON CONSOLE GAME

KNOCKING

What are you up to?

What's it look like?

Look, I'm sorry, mate, but I don't even know what you're doing here.

Yeah, I heard you tell your mum.

You're from her work then, yeah?

No, my wife Karen is.

What's your job, then?

I'm a police officer, as it happens.

Didn't think you were a doctor.

So do you do all that, like, stop and search?

-If I really have to.

-Like when you see a black kid?

Or a Muslim?

I mean, if he's got a beard,

then he's a terrorist, right?

Or, like, radicalised or something.

Then you can just bang him up, yeah?

Put him on a course or something.

Tell him what to think.

You know, it's really not like that, Shak.

You sure about that?

Officer?

Yeah, I am.

So do you get many Asian coppers down the nick, then?

180!

CHEERING

Poor old Trev, eh?

She's beating him up right enough.

Looks like it might be down to you and Tracey.

Who'd have thought it?

Ah, don't worry. I've got every faith in you.

You're a good man.

What did you bring Mrs Tembe for?

She's celebrating. New house.

No score.

Why, are you feeling the pressure?

You don't know the half of it.

Mrs Tembe, we were just saying. We don't actually have to stay here.

You're up next. It's the decider.

But this isn't the best place...

Oh, no, no! I really want to stay and watch you play.

They were all over the waiting room floor at one time.

Well, I don't really do loom bands any more.

PHONE CHIMES

What's up?

It's just...stupid people, saying stupid things.

Like what?

PHONE CHIMES

-Do you know what I do with stupid people?

-What?

-I ignore them.

-Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say.

You're not the one getting called a neek all the time, are you?

-A what?

-Just forget it.

Hi, Immie.

No, I'm good. What's a neek?

Bobby, can I ask you a question, please?

Have you ever had to throw a match?

-You mean, take a dive?

-Yeah.

If I took a dive, I'd have two bottles of oxygen on my back

and a pair of flippers.

Yeah, but...I know you would never do it.

But back in the old days, in the pubs,

things must've got a bit nasty, people trying to nobble you.

-20.

-Well, if all fails, just have it on your toes.

Have it on my toes?

Yeah, leg it.

30.

Thank you.

36.

-Good luck, Dr Haskey.

-Come on, Al!

One.

Nice and easy.

Five.

48. Al, you have scored 54.

Oh! Oh, no, I'm so clumsy!

-What are you doing?!

-Spillage.

-I'll get it, I'll get it.

-Thank you, Bobby.

-Aaargh!

-Where are you going?

Dr Haskey, where are you going?

I was just getting on my toes.

Is this because she is a woman?

You are better than this.

Man up!

CHEERING

Ohhh!

Come on. He was one of yours, wasn't he?

First rule, mate. Pick your targets.

Yeah, like you'd know about all that.

I would, actually.

So, what, you've done gun training and all that?

Yeah.

In fact, you might be interested to know

that one of my instructors was an old friend of mine,

called Aadil Shakoor.

Here you go, then. Game on.

I'm just going upstairs.

Hey, come and sit down. Come on.

I've worked it out. They're jealous.

No, they think I'm a nerd.

They called it "swot" in my day.

What, to you?

Not me, so much.

You see, what it is, is they aren't as clever as...

The class neek?

The class brainbox.

See, this is what I would do, I would turn it round,

I would show them I couldn't care less.

And I would call myself a neek.

-Or a mega neek, if you like.

-Sounds French.

It does. A turbo neek.

A super neek!

That actually sounds pretty cool.

Ayyy!

THEY LAUGH

-60.

-Yes! Yeah, go on, Trace.

20.

Jimmi, this is Sonia, Sonia, this is Jimmi.

-Jimmi, Sonia, Sonia, Jimmi.

-Er, hi...?

-Yeah, whatever.

-Tracey, you have scored 137.

-OK.

-Come on, you can do this.

-Come on, Al!

-ENCOURAGING CHEERS, OPPOSING BOOS

-Excuse me...

-OBJECT CLINKS INTO GLASS

-It's thirsty work.

-Come on, mate.

-Go on, Al.

-Right.

150. I could go three bull's-eyes, nice round number.

But instead, I'll go with triple 20 for the Mill Health Centre.

CHEERING

Come on!

Where to go next?

Next we'll go for bull's-eye

and this will be for the Moseley Meerkats.

Yeah!

CHEERING

Where's my phone?

Can you clear the oche, please? Thank you.

Al, you require 40 for the match.

40. Hmmm. I'm going to go double top for the King of Bling.

-Mr Bobby George.

-Go on, son!

-Come on, Al. One dart!

-Careful, Al!

CHEERING

MUSIC: We Are The Champions by Queen

Give it to me. Now!

If you don't give me my phone right now, I swear I will...

Oh! Oh, no, how did that get in there?

I'm really sorry about that.

-Well, I hope it was useful.

-Oh, yeah!

-Thank you.

-Bye-bye.

-Thank you, Rob. Safe journey.

-Bye.

-Bye!

-Bye!

-Well, that was all right, weren't it?

-Was it?

He wasn't that bad.

No, he was just trying to wind me up.

So we're still on for the fostering thing?

I'm not sure, you know.

What?! Because you lost a computer game?

No, there's more to it than that.

Incredibly, there's something we haven't really thought about

and we need to.

-What?

-Me being a copper.

-Well...

-Them kids. The lives that they've led.

As soon as they find that out, they're going to hate me.

-Not all of them.

-I bet most of them.

-You'll get round that.

-How?

It's not who I am. It's what I stand for.

Congratulations, Dr Haskey.

Cheers, mate.

You know, I think the real winner tonight was the game of darts.

You just wait till we get home. You'll be on that bed for a month!

-Hang up, you two.

-What do you want?

I think that you should have these. They're for the BDO.

-You can stick 'em.

-Come on, you've earned them.

I don't want to go all Agony Uncle.

But you two really need to have a talk, don't you?

It's the greatest game there is, we all know that.

But darts brings people together, it doesn't divide them.

Cheers, Al.

Have a lovely time.

-Were they the tickets?

-Yes, they were.

-Oh, cheers(!)

-I'm gutted too, mate!

Well played, son. Be lucky.

I was very lucky, Mr George.

Wasn't he marvellous?

He was great, you can take that from me.

Great darts, son.

"Take that from me. Great darts, son."

Oh. Mr Redman?

Hello, it's Dr Granger, from the Mill Heath Centre.

Someone who is used to facing the public on a daily basis,

with confidence and with warmth.

You mean like a doctor.

-Um...well...

-Jimmi!

Lucy, when was the last time... you left the house?

I don't know.