Losing the Plot Doctors

"The sun rose pitifully slowly over Hedgebrooke.

"But by breakfast time,

"the lane was awash with that special breed of native,

"renowned for its unbreakable attachment to four by fours,

"horses and alcohol."

LAUGHTER

Of course, you all know this word-for-word from my last novel -

but for the sequel,

you'll just have to wait

till I've finished the damned thing.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

APPLAUSE

Is this some sort of personality swap?

Yeah, it's Al's idea.

"I need to throw myself in at the deep end, Jimmi."

Wow, it's like listening to a mirror.

Isn't it, though?

I'm being forced to modify my lifestyle choices, Heston.

He's just found out he's pre-diabetic.

Oh. Sorry to hear that, Al.

Thank you.

This "meal swap" experiment is not helping.

I eat his food, he eats mine.

I take it you're regretting it?

Oh.

Je regret everything.

Fasting, it's not that bad.

I had to do Ramadan with Rhuma,

felt light-headed at first.

Soon passed.

Ramadan's not the same, you can stuff yourself after sunset.

Stop the bus.

Do we not get to "stuff ourselves" at sunset?

No, and this is making me feel...

No, I'm just going to throw it.

Well, you're a quitter, aren't you?

Whereas your food, no problem.

Mmm!

"Hey, I'm Jimmi Clay!"

Ed Jamieson.

OK.

-Thank you.

-My pleasure.

These are for you.

-Thank you. You shouldn't have. That's very kind.

-OK.

Hello, Katie.

SCREAMS

Ha!

Should I call the police?

No, she's just a...

I don't know.

A rival, maybe.

I'm OK. I'm OK.

You should have included the new intake in these spreadsheets.

-Oh, I thought I did.

-Perhaps you need to pay a bit more attention...

like you do with Mr Harvey.

Made quite the impression there, haven't you?

-Have I?

-Well, he wants to keep you on, it seems.

Give you more opportunities.

Really?

Here, let me.

-I can manage.

-Yes, no, I know you can

but I do like to be useful.

You should have told me you were coming.

I'd have...

We arranged it last week, Ed.

What's wrong with your eyes?

Nothing.

Do you want a beer?

No, actually, I thought that we could look at what you sent me.

It's just a first draft.

I know, I know...

..but these characters,

aren't they supposed to be the same as your first novel?

Yes.

Well then, why are they suddenly...

so nice?

Are they?

Come on!

They started out as these hateful monsters

with four-by-fours

and artisan pitchforks.

"Artisan?"

Oh, you know what I mean.

Where's crusty old Rufus Harquart-Jones

with his ostentatious beard

and his overly coiffured

dragon of a wife, Diane?

They've now become all...

What?

Well...

anaemic.

"Rufus stoked the fire for Diane,

"and then tenderly rubbed her aching bones?"

OK, so he's starting to appreciate

their 50 years of marriage.

But what's happened to...

"..Harquart-Jones polished his croquet stick

"and took the doddering putt,

"not realising that Diane was hovering right behind?"

They've moved on.

No, you've got to give your readers what they want.

Affairs, alcoholism,

hunting accidents.

Good old-fashioned rural...

snobbery.

Ed, what's wrong?

You want a beer?

You've already asked me that.

PHONE RINGS

Hi.

Now?

OK, I'll be there in half an hour.

Well, it seems like I've got an urgent meeting in Birmingham.

We'll...

go over this more later.

Don't worry, I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Great.

Sit down, and look at that draft,

and try to bring the old characters back.

Don't worry, I'll see myself out.

'Diane celebrated her 71st birthday

'by successfully managing

'to ignore Rufus' beardy advances.'

I got your winter pansies.

They didn't have any violet ones,

so I got the white and gold.

Grandad's here, too.

He insisted on wearing a tie.

She'll love it that you came.

I saw HIM today, Grandad.

The writer.

He's writing another one.

Same characters, of course.

"Rufus and Diane."

God, he makes me so...

SHE EXHALES

He must know she died.

He must.

How's he getting away with this?

They look really sore.

They are.

-You usually see Doctor Carter, right?

-Yeah.

If you look into the light for me.

Yeah, it's just a bit of mild inflammation, that's all.

So, no damage?

No. Ink doesn't tend to damage human tissue,

just keep bathing them a couple of times a day and it'll soon clear up.

If you could jump on the old scales for me.

Do you live close by?

Oldcliff.

Oh! Very nice...

if you can afford it.

Well, have you been trying to lose weight?

Not particularly.

Well, congratulations, you've lost five kilos.

You can jump down and take a seat.

Wow.

And...

generally, you're feeling all right?

Pretty good.

You sticking to your regime?

Taking the meds, eating properly, avoiding the old booze?

Yep.

Have you been to Oldcliff?

I moved there to write.

It's very peaceful.

Oh! So, you're a...

Author.

Hedgebrooke? It's my novel.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Then again, if it doesn't feature, you know, murder and time travel,

I'm not going to read it.

No, it's more your down-to-earth tale of rural folk.

And that's you sticking it to your neighbours, right?

Why do you say that?

So, you'll keep up your regime, yeah?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Could you direct me to Dylan Harvey, please?

Oh, he's not here.

He was here, I definitely saw him, but not for very long.

-In fact, I was surprised at how quickly...

-All right, thank you.

-HE KNOCKS ON DESK

-Can I have your attention?

Sorry for the inconvenience, folks,

but it's come to our attention that some of you may be witnesses

for a matter the police are investigating,

and may unwittingly be part of something that's not totally legal.

So, if you just stay where you are for now,

we might have to take your work documents and your laptops.

Please co-operate with our enquiries.

Right, lads.

That laptop, his and his.

Rob, it's Valerie.

Could you call me back when you get this, please?

Excuse me...

can I have your name, please?

-Valerie.

-Valerie what?

Valerie Pitman.

-All right, Mrs Pitman.

-Miss.

"Miss" Pitman. Could you tell me who you were calling?

Just a friend.

Do you know what?

Of all your bland, simple food...

that was the least bland.

-It's a compliment.

-Wow. Right.

Whereas I've got this full-scale battle going on in my mouth

between rye and pastrami,

and Emmental, and this green stuff,

and beef crisps, a flapjack.

Well, you're not supposed to put it all in your mouth at the same time.

Oh, you're funny.

What you doing?

I'm eating your lunch.

You've had your lunch.

What?

It's one wrap at lunchtime.

One?!

Why?

And an apple...

-at four o'clock.

-What?

Four o'clock.

This isn't funny.

Odd, isn't it?

Sorry, what is?

That you were the first person Addison talked to,

yet you're the last in to help with his enquiries.

Well, he already knows what my name is,

so there's not much else to find out.

Who were you trying to call earlier?

Dylan, was it?

Of course not.

Like I told the police inspector,

I was just calling a friend.

Patrick Yang.

DOORBELL RINGS

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

"Diane's temper..."

'Diane's temper was rattled daily by her maid's habit of vacuuming

'the lounge during her favourite TV show.

'She eventually got round this

'by re-arranging all Irena's hours

'so she could watch her show in peace,

'though it now meant Irena couldn't pick up her daughter after school.'

All right, MISS Pitman,

-as I mentioned earlier...

-Can I just stop you there?

If we are going to proceed,

I would prefer it if Sergeant Hollins was here, too.

Sergeant Hollins is arriving later.

Yes, but there's something he'll want to explain to you.

I know him personally, you see.

Maybe I didn't make this clear

but, right now, I'm trying to ascertain the facts,

so I'll start by asking you your role in this company.

It's administrator.

But Sergeant Hollins will...

-Miss Pitman!

-Administrator.

Thank you.

Although there has been some suggestion of a promotion...

Do you have any access to employees' documents?

Yes.

Well, sometimes. It depends, actually.

Either you do or you don't.

Yes. Usually, I do.

Are you ever involved in checking an employee's right to work in the UK?

No.

So, you wouldn't be aware if anyone was working, or living,

-in the country illegally?

-They're not, are they?

I mean, when I talk to them

they don't seem...illegal.

Do you think you'd notice anything unusual?

Are you implying that I'm involved in something?

Because if you are, I can categorically tell you I'm not.

I've only been here a week.

No-one's implying anything.

How well do you think you know your colleagues?

Well, like I say, I haven't been here very long,

but I'd like to think we look out for each other.

Is there any one you feel particularly close to?

I'm not sure, really.

It's been suggested that you're in a relationship with Dylan Harvey.

SHE SNICKERS

This is serious, Miss Pitman.

Are you in a relationship with Mr Harvey?

Do I look like a gangster's moll?

From that comment,

I assume you're aware of Mr Harvey's criminal past.

No!

I mean...no!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hello?

Hello?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Thank God you are here.

I've already been accused of human trafficking

and having rampant sex with my boss.

Have you? OK, Valerie. Do you want to take a seat?

-Yeah.

-That's it.

Why didn't you tell me there was going to be a police raid?

I wouldn't have told anyone.

Sergeant Hollins, just to keep you updated,

I'm trying to ascertain Miss Pitman's role here.

-Right.

-Unfortunately, her behaviour has been uncooperative and vague,

and it's been hard to get anything sensible out of her.

Well, I can confirm, sir, that it was Miss Pitman

who brought in the evidence that incriminates Mr Harvey.

That's why I was asking for him.

Why didn't you say this earlier?

Because Sergeant Hollins told me that if I divulged anything,

(I could get arrested.)

I didn't say that exactly.

Thank you, Miss Pitman.

I'll speak to Sergeant Hollins.

We may need to ask you further questions at a later date.

You can go now.

Thanks, Valerie.

"Rufus protested when Diane sacked their maid.

"But when he tried to reinstate her,

"Diane took all of five minutes to start divorce proceedings."

OK, so she did sack the maid

and she was awful to Grandad, but...

"One year on, and there were no signs of change

"among the natives of Hedgebrooke.

"The not-so-secret affairs of at least two couples

"from the golf club

"spluttered on unchecked.

"And, of course, the blood-thirsty,

"tweed-clad grouse-botherers

"continued to destroy all the local heaths!"

So...

..are you with us?

ALL: YES!

Bravo!

Hello.

It's Ed Jamieson here.

I was in earlier to see Doctor Haskey.

Something's gone wrong.

I can't see properly.

No, it's fine. Put him through.

Hello, Ed, it's Doctor Haskey here.

Sorry to disturb you, but...

there's something's wrong with my eyes.

OK. Can you explain what's happening?

I think the ink has actually damaged them.

That's unlikely.

So, why can't I properly focus?

Right. Do you have any other symptoms?

Actually, yes, a headache.

Right, Ed. Maybe you should come back in and see me.

No, it's all right.

I've probably just been staring at the screen too long.

I'd rather just monitor it here.

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

Sorry for disturbing you.

You don't have to thank me,

but I saw a patient of yours today.

Ed Jamieson.

The author?

Yep, that's the one.

He's just called me, saying he's not feeling very well.

In what way?

Headache, blurred vision.

So, is he coming back in?

Well, he said that he was fine...

But...?

Well, I suspect he's not looking after his diabetes that well.

He was surprised by his weight loss and...

there was a definite whiff of booze about the man.

Why don't you go and see him?

Well, I could do, but I have a clinic at four and...

after all, he is your patient.

I'll deal with it.

Good man.

Thank you.

You were in there a long time.

Yes, I was.

Maybe that's because somebody told the inspector

that Dylan and I were...you know.

(That I was his mistress.)

Well, if you're implying it was me...

Well, whoever it was needs their head testing.

You were very pally with him earlier.

(He was here all of five minutes!)

(I have got nothing to do with this.)

(I'm an innocent here.)

We're done here. Come on, lads.

Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

Bye, Rob.

What are you doing out here?

Sitting.

Oh!

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Did you have a chance to look at that draft?

Mmm.

Hey, you expecting anyone?

-What?

-Look!

What the...?

Ed Jamieson, you are not welcome here!

Katie, please...

Let him have it!

I have a story for you, Mr Jamieson.

"Once upon a time,

"a city man came to Oldcliff.

"He charmed the community

"and they were proud to have him in their midst.

"But then, to their shock,

"he started to attack them -

"and he did this the only way he knew how, through his writing."

Oh, come on, it's just a novel.

"He even stooped so low

"as to write about an old man and his wife.

"John and Daphne.

"Their grand-daughter left her job to care for them

"after John had a stroke.

"But the writer's mocking

"didn't stop,

"not even when Daphne died."

-Daphne's dead?

-OK!

Maybe she was a dreadful snob

and, yes, she was awful to grandad and me,

but it does not give you the right to just...

I didn't know.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Katie.

Will you stop this immediately?

This is ridiculous.

Stop this now or I will call the police.

I'm a doctor and this man is sick.

I think he's having a hypo.

But that's diabetes, isn't it?

Let's try and get him inside.

We'll come back later.

Carefully. Watch your step. Don't slip.

Why didn't you tell me about the diabetes?

Because it's way too riveting for words(!)

If you don't take this seriously,

you'll end up in hospital.

At the moment, your blood sugar levels are OK.

I'm going to put the kettle on.

Why are you so reckless?

With my illness...

or my novel?

So, is Hedgebrooke

really based on Oldcliff?

Does it matter?

Well, it depends.

OK, maybe there's...

the tiniest echo of it -

but these people,

don't you think they're living in a cloud-cuckoo land?

I don't think they appreciate

the brutal nature of your satire.

Yeah, well...

Actually, I'm thinking of scrapping the sequel.

Hey, I heard that.

You have thousands of fans.

Do you want to let them down?

But if I'm upsetting a whole village...

One person.

The rest followed cos you aired their dirty linen in public.

You came here, you shook the pot up a bit

and, now, they all want to crucify you for it.

Maybe I went too far.

You know, when I first arrived here,

they actually threw a party for me.

Organic beer, flapjacks,

country dancing.

Well, stop writing

and maybe they'll throw you another one.

Hell, you could even join the knitting circle.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep an eye on your blood sugar levels

and make sure you phone the surgery for an appointment.

I will. Thanks, Doctor.

I'll be off, then.

Thank you for everything.

My pleasure.

Crikey, Ed,

I only stopped by for a visit to get you back on track.

You scared the life out of me.

Hey.

You will let me know what you decide, won't you?

Yeah. So far, he seems to be sticking to it.

I suppose he's trying to do his best.

There you are.

What the hell is that?

These are called turnovers.

I know not why.

They're of the jam and cream variety.

I've got enough for everyone.

Well, that's it then, isn't it?

-What's what?

-Experiment over.

What, even though I ran all the way to the bakery to get them?

Oh, you are useless, do you know that?

Dr Clay, you are not being very supportive.

Thank you, Mrs Tembe. You know what, Jimmi?

I thought to myself, "I want a pastry,"

and being a 40-year-old man of means, I got myself a pastry.

Al, I really thought you were going to deal with this.

Heston, would you like to have a lick?

Not funny.

-Doctor Haskey...

-No, there's no "Dr Haskey" about it, Mrs Tembe.

This has been a miserable day, thanks to you.

I thought the pastries would help, they haven't.

There's only one thing left to do

and that's to have a pie and a nice, cold pint.

It just so happens to be pie-and-a-pint night.

You're more than welcome to join me.

"Fond memories of Daphne..."

'Who was always true to herself.

'With the greatest respect, Ed Jamieson.'

"Ed Jamieson?!"

Grandad...

this isn't a criticism, but...

maybe you were wrong about Mr Jamieson.

Maybe you just got caught up in the moment.

'Toby Winthrop's myopia

'was in full swing that evening,

'as was his not inconsiderable

'tweed-clad belly.'

-I get it.

-Sorry?

You and that police officer.

-What police officer?

-Rob.

It's never good going to the police

when you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

What do you mean?

Lots of good people work here, Valerie,

and some of them have kids.

Now, thanks to you, they might be out of a job

if this agency is forced to close down.

How does that make you feel?

Terrible.

I mean...

terrible, but I haven't done anything.

It wasn't me.

You know, Dylan Harvey is an extremely well-connected man.

Something like this...

He won't let it go.

If I were you,

I'd be checking to see who was behind me.

In fact,

I'd keep checking behind me for the rest of my life.

I could go 50 years without beer.

OK, fine. Prove it.

Go one month alcohol free.

OK. It's not a problem.

Hey, I was thinking...

Will I hide these, just in case?

Why?

She's a teenage girl, not a violent gangland killer.

Miss Pitman, I know you are there, I can see your coat.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Or maybe some juice?

Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.