Below the Belt Doctors

Oh, no, no, it's no bother. I'll be over in two ticks.

Yeah, no.

It'll be lovely to see her.

OK, see you then. Bye.

I'm wanted over at The Mill.

I thought you had the day off.

It's just for an hour or so.

-Are you going to be all right to look after Hannah?

-Mmm.

Try and get her chatting over breakfast.

Why are you going in?

It's just handover stuff. Guess who's back?

-Valerie?

-The one and only!

-Good luck!

-Bye.

-Bye!

RADIO PLAYS MUSIC

Why don't you come back to bed?

Sorry, babe, got to dash.

Tutorial.

"Not tonight, Josephine."

I'll make it up to you later.

You said the same thing yesterday.

Did I?

Guess you'll be in lectures by the time I get back?

I'm starting that module on Ancient History.

Maybe I'll learn when we last had sex.

PHONE BEEPS

Who's that?

Oh, just junk.

Laters, yeah?

Laters.

Well, well, well, the prodigal receptionist returns,

as predicted!

-Welcome back.

-It's great to be here.

I think of The Mill as my safe haven,

a bastion of moral certainty

in an otherwise corrupt and perilous world.

Really?

Not to let on too much, but I have had quite a time of it.

Fascinating. I'm sure you're going to tell us all about it.

Actually, I'm not allowed to.

I could tell you, then I'd have to kill you.

Woo!

Sorry.

Hi, Val. Good to have you back.

Mrs Tembe made me an offer I could not refuse!

Karen's on her way over to give me the rota.

Apparently, there's been some changes.

Oh, and you've had a very angry phone call from a Mr Babbage.

He thinks you suggested the wrong emollient.

It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

I've never really liked being on the pill that much.

Of course it's convenient, but I think it affects my mood.

Makes me feel...unattractive.

A lot of women find that they have side-effects on the pill.

Have you considered any other forms of contraception?

Not really.

Are you currently in a relationship?

Yes.

At least I think I am.

Early days?

No, we've been together for over a year.

OK.

I thought we were a good match, but...

..recently he's changed.

I think he might be seeing someone else.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hannah?

Hannah?

Hannah?

Have you tried asking him directly?

No. Every time I broach the subject, he's out the door.

He's been going out of his way to ignore me.

We haven't had sex in weeks.

Sorry, too much information.

Every relationship is different.

They all have their peaks and their troughs.

You live together?

Yes.

He probably can't face the bother of finding new digs.

He's in his final year.

I'll only get the elbow when it suits him.

It's probably best not to speculate about that.

Men are from Mars, and all that.

Sometimes it doesn't even occur to them

to mention what's going on in their minds.

Has he been experiencing any anxiety recently?

The final year can be a stressful time.

He's not really an anxious person.

But he works hard, pushes himself.

Stress can affect the libido.

Maybe that's it.

Yeah, maybe.

They're still really awkward with each other.

-Massive UST.

-What?!

"Unresolved Sexual Tension".

Oh, right. Well, we'll have to help them with that, won't we?

Yeah. Make them get back in the ring, go a few more rounds.

I'm not saying what you did wasn't courageous,

but you've got to be a bit more discreet.

If everybody knows, it could jeopardise the investigation.

Yes, your husband made that point, quite chillingly.

He implied that I'd broken the law.

I've been having this recurring nightmare ever since.

I'm up in front of the judge and he's giving me

a right old earbashing, says I'm a "menace to society".

Upshot is, I'm looking at a 12-year stretch.

Well? With good behaviour, you could be out in six.

Do you think so?

PHONE RINGS Hang on.

I'll be with you in two ticks.

Can't find my phone!

Oh!

Hiya, love.

She's vanished!

-What?

-Hannah. She's not in the house.

Well, she was fast asleep, when I popped in on her this morning.

Well, she's not now. I double-locked the front doors when you left.

What about the back door?

Yes, they're locked. And the keys are hidden.

Unless, of course, you left the spare set lying around?

Oh, so, it's my fault, now?

Stand down.

I've found her.

What? Where?

In the garden. Bye.

PHONE GOES DEAD

You OK?

Yes, thanks.

Your Houdini act gave me a bit of a fright.

I didn't know where you were.

How did you get outside?

Through the back door.

The doors were locked, and the keys were hidden.

You climbed through that window, didn't you?

-No.

-There was no other way out.

I thought I was allowed in the garden.

You are, you're just not allowed to climb through the windows.

I didn't. The door was open.

Right, whatever.

Listen, if you want a breath of fresh air...

just ask.

Yeah?

Good.

Come on. Let's get some breakfast.

Looking for something?

Didn't you have some condoms in here?

Yeah. I threw them out.

Really? Why?

Past the use by date. Besides, you're on the pill.

I'm not any more.

How come?

It didn't agree with me.

And we're not having unprotected sex.

Or any kind of sex, come to it.

So, you don't mind, then?

Mind what?

Me coming off the pill.

Of course not, it's your body, you should do whatever feels best.

Have you seen my jacket?

Try the lounge.

Good call.

-You OK?

-Yeah, fine.

Aaron?

I think we need to talk about where we are, relationship-wise.

Sounds ominous. We're fine, aren't we?

OK, but not now. I'm running late.

-What for?

-A tutorial.

-Another one?

-This morning's was more of a seminar.

Bye.

Panic over, then?

Nil points for Daddy Daycare.

I leave you for a couple of hours...

Yeah, climbing through the window. I should've guessed that one coming.

-What?! Which one?

-It doesn't matter. It's locked now, they all are.

It's easier to break in than it is to break out.

Fingers crossed for the rest of the day.

Now that you're back.

Now that I'm back, I thought I might make some pancakes,

look through Immie's stuff, see if she's got anything fun to do.

Knock yourself out.

Where is she, then? Have you lost her again?

There you are. Are you OK?

You put the frighteners on her.

Now, she's having nightmares about a lengthy prison sentence.

She should've come to the police first,

not played at being Miss Marple.

She meant well. Just give her a ring, put her mind at rest.

-Maybe.

-Nope, definitely not here.

You must've put it somewhere strange.

I haven't touched your blasted flour.

I bought it in the weekly shop. So, it can't have just disappeared.

It's got nothing to do with me.

Well, pancakes are off, I'm sorry.

All right with a bacon sarnie?

Yes. There is some inflammation.

You say you're not experiencing any discomfort when you pee.

No burning or stinging sensation?

Nope.

Are you practising safe sex?

My girlfriend's been on the pill.

We've been together for over a year.

Any other sexual partners?

No.

Does your girlfriend have any symptoms?

-Not sure. We haven't discussed it.

-Any reason why not?

No. I just haven't got round to it. How's that relevant?

When it comes to problems of a sexual nature,

it's often helpful to discuss them with one's sexual partner.

Otherwise, infections can easily be transmitted.

So, I've got an infection?

I don't know.

I think the best thing would be for you to get yourself

to the sexual health clinic, get it checked out. Just to be sure.

However, the soreness may be caused by frequent or vigorous

sexual activity.

How many times a week do you have sex, on average?

What's average? I haven't had sex for a few weeks.

OK.

Only cos...I've been busy.

Then the problems may be being caused by sexual activity...

of another form. Masturbation, for example.

I suggest you give it a rest for a few days and give it

a chance for the inflammation to settle down.

Give it a rest? For how long?

About a week.

A week!?

MUSIC: We Will Rock You by Queen

Remember, keep your hands high, and your punches nice and tight.

# Buddy, you're a boy make a big noise

# Playin' in the street, gonna be a big man some day

# You got mud on yo' face

# You big disgrace

# Kickin' your can all over the place... #

You must be my new recruits. Seb Gooder.

I'll be showing you the ropes today.

Any of you done this before?

No. We're all newbies.

Just putty in your hands.

OK, good. So, just in case any of you made a wrong turn

by the Pilates class, this is Be-Box-a-Lula!

It's high energy, low aggression.

You'll be throwing punches at your partner's protective pads,

NEVER at their head or body.

It's a great way of burning calories and letting off steam,

but leave your competitive instincts at the door.

This is exercise, not sport.

There are no losers, only winners. Capisce?

-Capisce.

-Perfect. Why don't you pair up,

-and we'll get things rolling?

-Don't worry. I'll go easy on you.

I thought that you and...

-Really!?

-All right!

MOBILE RINGS

Hello, Valerie Pitman speaking.

Hi, Valerie. It's Rob Hollins.

Oh, hello. What've I done now?

Nothing.

Karen asked me to give you a call. I'm sorry for scaring you last week.

No? Well, you did.

Yes, I think you should've been more sensible.

But you won't face any charges.

Oh...

I cannot tell you what a relief that is. Honestly, in my head,

I've already been doing time.

It's quite harrowing, actually.

I've got a mortal fear of communal showers.

Have you. Yes, well, in that case, maybe, you should leave

the sleuthing to the professionals, in future?

Enough said. But well done for coming to your senses.

-SCREAMING

-Yep, bye-bye.

What have you done? Oh, dear...

You wait there. I'm just going to get you some ice.

Let's have a look at what you've done.

Oh, dear...

I want you to hit me in the face.

I want you to give me everything you've got!

Your Stallone impression is weak.

Excuse me, it's Robert De Niro, Raging Bull. 1980. Martin Scorsese.

Don't pull your punches. I'm not going to.

-Whose idea was it to do mixed pairs?

-You don't think I'm your equal?

I didn't say that, did I?

Come on. It's exhilarating.

-I worry about you.

-Why?

-First, it was gambling, now it's violence.

Are you turning to the Dark Side?

It's called having a good time. You should try it.

Like the kind of good time

-that ends up in the police station most nights?

-Jimmi, lighten up.

Time! Change over pads and gloves.

Next round, folks!

All right, then. Don't help me.

-Oh...

-No, no! It's fine!

Come on, then. Do your worst.

Good. Nice combination of hook and uppercut.

-Thank you, Coach.

-You're a natural!

-Hey!

-All OK at The Mill?

-Yeah.

Nothing I can't handle, coughs and colds. You?

Yeah, fine. Busy.

Nice to get away for a bit.

As if...

Everything all right?

Yes. Can I have another drink?

Yeah.

I got your text. What's this about?

I think you know.

No idea. It might be good if you cut to the chase.

I'm missing an important lecture.

You're seeing someone else. Aren't you?

If he dies, he dies!

Your Stallone's getting better.

That was Dolph Lundgren, in Rocky IV - second-worst Rocky film.

Come on!

MUSIC: Eye Of The Tiger by Survivor

Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry. You OK?

What happened?

-I hit him by accident.

-Can I have my glasses, please?

Hold on. We need to make sure you're not concussed.

-Is there a medic in the house?

-Take your pick.

-They're doctors.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah. Cool.

Where are you?

This is Madison Square Garden, isn't it?

Balboa! He beats the ten count, he's ready for it. Come on!

Bring it on! Eat your words! Eat your words!

Hey, look at that footwork.

I'm Fred Astaire in a boxing ring. Come on!

It's a bit of a dilemma, isn't it?

If the woman is not getting the intimacy that she wants,

but the man decides that he prefers to take things into his own hands,

-where do they meet in the middle?

-Sorry, what did you say?

-Forget it.

-Shall I get the bill?

No, it's my turn, to take care of it.

-You can skedaddle.

-Sure?

I haven't even looked at another girl.

OK. Maybe I've looked. But that's it.

MOBILE NOTIFICATION

Another one of your mysterious messages. Can I read it?

-No.

-This is the guy with nothing to hide?

Let's not do this here.

We'll talk later.

I saw you with her earlier.

What? Who?

Your cougar.

-I don't know what you're on about.

-Your so-called tutor.

It's not what do you think.

Katie!

I'm fine.

You don't look it.

Ouch! That looked painful.

Let me have a look.

This is going to need cleaning.

You might need a stitch or two.

Why don't you have a go?

That nurse has got some serious punching power.

It must be doing all those blood pressure exams, it builds muscles.

Looks like the boys are sitting this one out. Fancy a quick spar?

-Um...

-I'm feeling brave.

I'll take you on.

OK. I'm sure you can teach me a thing or two.

All right, then. Ready for another go?

Um...yeah. As long as you promise

not to give me any more moral guidance.

I'm hardly a boy scout, am I?

I've noticed.

The cut's more superficial than I thought,

but there's still a risk of infection.

So, try to keep it dry, and avoid touching it.

OK, thanks.

You can go now.

It's all right. I'll see you home.

-Won't your tutor be waiting for you?

-No.

I've already missed my appointment.

It was a lecture earlier. Now, it's an appointment.

I've not been cheating on you, Katie. There's no-one else.

She knows. You know. Tell her!

-Tell her what?

-You asked me about my sex life. What did I say?

-Why were you...?

-I said I haven't had sex for a few weeks.

Why would I lie to you, in confidence?

Have you got an STI?

No. I don't know.

I need to get checked out at the... That's beside the point.

Come on, you two!

Can you just at least try being honest with one another?

I've not been lying to you.

But I have been selective with the truth.

The fact is...

..I'm a sperm donor.

-What?

-I've been selling sperm...

to women...

for cash.

Ding! Gentleman, excuse me. Let me have a go at Calzaghe, you try Lee.

But she's... All right.

OK, let's see you burn some calories.

Easy! Stick to the pads. Oi! Stick to the pads!

I like my nose where it is, thank you.

It's more fun hitting you, than the pads.

Oops! Sorry, my bad. My bad!

-You OK?

-Yeah, fine, thank you.

-Which part of the rules didn't you understand?

-Well, the first rule

of Fight Club is nobody... Sorry.

You're medics, right? I have less trouble with the local scallies.

BELL RINGS

Saved by the bell. That's it for today. Well done, folks.

-Hope to see you all next time.

-Yeah. Definitely.

Dunno about you lot, but I'm ravenous.

-I could murder a pub lunch.

-That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Don't worry, Jimmi. I'll show some restraint.

Course you will.

It's flexible, well-paid.

Social networking has deregulated the market.

I can do two or three visits a day.

Got a waiting list, too.

How do you deliver the...donation?

You want me to draw you a diagram?

I mean, how do you store it? Not in our fridge-freezer?

I don't freeze it. The clients want a fresh product.

The fresher, the better.

I just arrange a convenient time to meet at their place,

and that's where I do the honours.

In private, of course.

I leave them with the specimen in a plastic pot, plus a sealed syringe.

They bung me some cash. Job done!

Classy.

I have to keep the clients happy,

make sure I'm maintaining a decent sperm count.

I've got a home-testing kit.

So, that's why you've been saving yourself?

Word gets around if you're firing blanks.

Got to look after the merchandise!

Now I know where I am in your list of priorities.

Behind a load of plastic pots.

Doesn't any of this strike you as wrong?

No. I've got excellent genes.

Why not pass them on a generation?

You can do that using a fertility clinic,

which would pay you expenses.

Yeah, but this is better...

Better paid? Selling sperm for financial gain is illegal.

But you knew that already.

It's not really financial gain. More like expenses.

Doing it through a clinic also gives you legal protection.

In theory, there's nothing

to stop all these mums demanding maintenance.

That's not going to happen. They don't want involvement from me.

That's the whole point of using a donor.

-How many women have you got pregnant?

-Too early to say.

I've only been doing it a few weeks.

So, by next summer there could be a load of mini-Aarons

-all over Letherbridge?

-Maybe.

Doesn't that bother you?

-Not really. I'll have graduated by then, I won't be around.

-I will.

Katie!

-Katie, wait!

-It's over, Aaron.

-Come on, you're not serious?

Text me when you're going to collect your stuff.

I'll make sure I'm not in.

It's my place as much as yours.

I'm sure you can find somewhere to recharge your batteries.

-What with all these new friends you've made.

-I knew you'd be

-weird about it. That's why I didn't tell you.

-It's not me that's weird.

It's you, selling your precious sperm.

I need the cash, Katie. It's all right for you.

Your family have got money.

They can help you out, pay the rent.

I haven't got that safety net.

Besides, I don't want to finish uni with 50 grand of debt.

Don't let this come between us. We've got something good.

We did. Maybe.

I've been a bit preoccupied.

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

You're not even prepared to stop this, are you?

The money means more than I do.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry.

I'd definitely do it again.

It's much more fun than a spin class.

A spin class tends to have fewer casualties.

-Wouldn't you do it again?

-Nah.

If I want to release some endorphins, I'll go for a run.

I feel all right now.

Didn't realise how much frustration I'd been bottling up.

You're telling me.

-Soz, mate.

-Next time you need to unleash some rage,

I suggest you find yourself another punching bag.

For example, Barry Biglow.

Mind you, that instructor was quite gorgeous, wasn't he?

So, there's your willpower, right there?

It's just a cheeky half. Doesn't count.

Bet your patients would beg to differ.

I don't have any patients, just admin.

So much for the diet, then.

Come on, darling, not in front of the kids.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Are you OK?

How's your ankle?

A bit better, thanks.

Good.

That's weird. I don't remember bringing that up here.

-Did you take this, Hannah?

-No.

So, how did it get up here?

I don't know. It wasn't me.

You've just bought yourself two halves from the bar,

which is exactly the same as buying one, but it's more expensive.

By George, you're right.

Why didn't you just save yourself a trip to the bar?

That way I wouldn't be having a cheeky half, would I?

Sorry, is there a problem with my drinking?

No. I'm just astounded by your total lack of willpower.

-Astounded, are you?

-Astounded.

I'm just a mate, I'm just trying to look out for you.

You're not looking out for me.

You're just relishing the chance to feel superior.

Fine, just do what you want. Carry on, just kill yourself, slowly.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go outside for a fag.

Then I'm going to go and find a pub which is slightly less judgmental.

Come on, Haskey! I wanted us to play darts.

But it's OK to tell the truth. About why you jumped out of the window.

I didn't.

Oh!

-Evelyn? Are you in pain?

-Probably pulled a muscle.

I hate to waste your time, Doctor.

No, not at all.

All right, Frankenweenie.

One hour 27 minutes. "Nobody likes scientists."

-Oh, he's good!

-Yeah!