Profiting from the Dead Doctors

Mr Harrison is early. Is she ready yet?

Well, I was up at five laying her out.

Which you'd know if you'd been awake...

Do we have to do this now?

It's fine. Let him see her.

Mr Harrison, she's ready for you.

We're so sorry for your loss.

No!

Two for the price of one?

That looks like a really tasty box of leaves that you've got there.

Yeah. Karen's got me eating no sugar along with the rest of you.

Well, not me. I can eat what I like.

The sugar ban has made everyone about as much fun as a prostate check, so...

Get Mrs Tembe to knock it on the head, will you?

I can't - she won't listen to me.

Not that it makes any difference cos I know Karen's cheating!

-What makes you think that?

-One minute she's off her head,

and the next minute she's all sweetness and light.

I haven't been a copper this long without knowing when someone

is lying to me, especially my wife.

Excuse me, Sergeant Hollins?

Yes, that is me.

PC Tyler Green. It's my first day.

They said I'm assigned to you.

When you say "they", I presume that means the Inspector so there's

no point me saying I would rather eat my own feet than wet-nurse anybody today...

Suppose not.

Jimmi Clay. FME.

Nice to meet you, Doctor.

Just feed him chocolate at regular intervals and you'll be fine.

He's a funny man. He's a very funny man.

Sit down.

Jimmi works with my wife at the Mill Health Centre.

She's got me on this ridiculous sugar ban,

not that you need to know that.

I tried that for a couple of weeks. I felt great.

Did you? Well, I don't.

-RADIO:

-'Report of suspected theft at Aspland's Funeral Services.

'Anyone free to attend?'

Message received.

Please show that Sergeant Hollins and PC Green are attending and en route, thank you.

I think I'll let you drive.

I'm assuming you know your way around Letherbridge?

I'll find it, Sarge. No worries.

Have you got any chocolate?

I don't believe it. You're cracking?

Oh, I cracked last night!

Rob was doing my head in! I had to have something to calm my nerves. What have you got?

I might be able to help you with that.

What sort of thing is it you're looking for?

What lasts the longest?

Chewy caramel.

Curly Wurly?

So this stays between the two of us, right?

I can keep a secret.

Name and date of death. I see nothing offensive.

Well, unless you're one of the relatives of one of those people.

It is situated completely out of view of the patients.

That doesn't make it any easier for people to deal with.

I'll say. I can't concentrate, I'm moody, I'm irritable...

Not talking about the sugar ban, are we?

For once, we're not, no.

What are we talking about?

Mrs Tembe's latest idea.

It is a record of recent patient deaths to keep all staff members

informed and mindful of the feelings of their relatives.

-That's macabre.

-Yes, it is. I think you should take it down.

That is just one opinion.

It's ghoulish.

-I like it.

-Of course you do.

No, seriously, I think it's a good idea.

We should keep it.

I wish you'd consulted me.

With the deepest of respect, I do not have to on every little thing.

But I am going to consult the other members of staff.

If this is satisfactory?

Fine. But I don't like it.

Your views have been noted, Dr Granger.

We're used to extreme reactions, but...

Once he came to, he insisted the diamond necklace his wife wanted buried with her was a fake.

Can I see it?

Of course.

Ah. Very nice.

Isn't it?

We have a safe in the office where we keep client jewellery

and I can assure you it's never been tampered with.

And is it a fake?

Well, he swears it's missing an engraving from the back.

On closer examination, maybe the diamonds do look like glass.

I haven't seen too many gems in my life, Sergeant.

My husband's a notorious tightwad.

Maureen, please!

Has the necklace been taken off the premises since Mr Harrison gave it to you?

Not to my knowledge, no.

It was cleaned, though.

Cleaned?

We occasionally engage a local jeweller to clean some items.

To be honest, we've been so busy this week that I wouldn't know if it...

Oh, it was. I checked before you arrived.

It's Wilson's Jewellers in the high street.

I'm certain Miss Wilson is entirely reputable and above board.

I'm sure she is, but it's still worth checking that out.

We are so grateful for your help.

Would you like a cup of tea?

No, thank you. I think we'd better follow this up.

I'm going to take the necklace with me and I will get back to you

as soon as I've got any more information.

We're keen for this not to get out. Bad for business.

Of course - you can rely on our discretion.

We know we can.

It's outdated.

I always put it in the weekly bulletin when a patient of mine shuffles off this mortal coil.

Yes, but nobody reads them, so, it's probably worth a try.

Thank you, Dr Carter.

There have been a number of unfortunate misunderstandings

recently involving the loved ones of deceased patients.

This board will help us to avoid that issue in the future.

I have e-mailed the other doctors for their thoughts.

Well, I hate it.

Hate's a strong word.

No, I mean it. It's weird and disturbing.

"In the midst of life, we are in death."

But not in the midst of a cup of tea.

We had something similar at a previous surgery of mine

and it was quite useful.

Maybe we should add some extra information like cause of death, last doctor to see the patient?

It might show up some interesting trends.

Cue witch hunt for the doctor with the highest death rate!

Not a helpful comment.

I suggest that the board stays up for the rest of the day.

You can discuss it amongst yourselves.

The majority decides. I will leave the box in here.

-Secret ballot.

-Fine by me.

You see, democracy rules.

Thank you.

What...what is it?

We just want to ask you a few questions, Mrs Wilson.

It's Miss, Miss Wilson.

Only I've just opened and I need to get some...

We won't keep you.

First of all, I'd like to show you this.

Have you seen that before?

Yes.

Now why would anyone think it was a fake?

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Miss Wilson?

I don't know what I was thinking.

It was a moment of madness.

I'm going to guess that you know where the real one is.

Right. Miss Wilson, I'm arresting you on suspicion of theft.

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

I understand you're in favour.

Oh, Mrs Tembe rather railroaded me into it,

but now I come to think about it...

Don't you see it as being a bit of an anathema to everything we try and do?

-We're trying to keep people alive here.

-I know.

It's sad about Mr Tovey.

Yes.

Maybe if we'd had the board I wouldn't have asked his widow how he was.

I wonder how long we'll be remembered when we die.

20 years? 30 years?

If Joe or Izzie have kids and they get to know me,

-best will in the world, 50, maybe 60 years?

-Hm.

For the tape, Miss Wilson, you have declined a solicitor.

I don't feel it's necessary.

OK. Earlier on you said that this was a moment of madness.

Does that mean that you've never done anything like this before?

Never. Absolutely not. No.

What made you decide to do this now?

It was just... times are tight, business is slow...

I thought no-one would notice.

I mean, the necklace was just going to sit in the grave of that woman.

It seemed like such a waste. No-one spotted it before.

Before?

Before today, I mean.

Have you had dealings with the Asplands before today?

Dealings?

Have you cleaned anything for them before this "moment of madness"?

I...don't think so, no.

You don't think so?

No, I mean, I'm sure I'd remember.

I think we're going to hold on to you for a while longer,

Miss Wilson, until we make further inquiries.

Interview suspended at 11.07.

I'm going to find a custody sergeant,

so we can get you booked in again.

Won't be a second.

Thanks.

OK. Do you want to talk me through that last question again?

You mentioned Mr Aspland said they'd used her occasionally.

She doesn't remember working for them before.

Two different stories.

So you're saying that she's done it before?

No, it's just a bit weird.

Yeah, but weird doesn't get us a conviction. Only evidence does that.

She's confessed. It's a first-time offence.

She's got no interesting deposits in her business account.

And we've retrieved the stolen item. You could say that's a closed case.

Yeah, but...

Ah! First rule of policing. Occam's Razor.

What's that?

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck...

Yeah, I get that, but still,

she was a bit fast with this "moment of madness" line.

Maybe because she's telling the truth.

Or maybe she had that answer prepared.

Come on, sunshine, spit it out. What are you driving at?

Something doesn't add up.

She's got these shiny new teeth, loads of make-up, fancy clothes.

Don't you think someone like that should have a bit more personality?

I'll ignore that casual sexism,

but what bit of that constitutes a crime?

Nothing.

Come on, then, what further lines of inquiry do you suggest?

We haven't conducted a search of her home address.

Ah. Right, now we're talking. Let's go.

And on the way we'll call off at the bakers.

You think they know something?

No. I want that sausage roll.

You know, I wonder, what is death like?

-Is it like a black rim where someone has just turned the lights off?

-Hm.

I haven't thought about death at all, not since I got the all clear.

But now thanks to this board, I can't stop.

What will it be like? How will it feel?

-Will it hurt? Will I even know it's happening?

-Any conclusions?

Hm. Life is for living.

I'll drink to that.

-Personal bank statements. Last two years.

-Hm.

Her property was a mess, wasn't it? She needed her pointing doing.

Her roof. The woodwork.

Look at this.

Cash deposits. Regular and pretty large.

See, this proves when she said times were tough, she was lying.

She certainly wasn't spending it on her house.

Where's she spending it, then?

Come here. Let me have a look. Yeah.

Similar amounts of money are going out not long after they've been deposited.

So, the money is going through the account but it's going somewhere else.

Or to someone else. We need to talk to her again.

All right, Columbo, maybe you've got a point. I'll tell you what.

If you can get us back to the station in less than half an hour, I'll let you lead.

I am trying.

Yeah, I know that!

-Hey. I thought you were at the police station today.

-Yeah.

Was going to do my reports at home but my neighbours have got builders in and I couldn't concentrate.

What do you make of that?

I don't see a problem with it.

So amenable.

That's what comes when you eat as much sugar as you like.

Imagine us up there.

They will be one day.

Just an eternity of blackness.

-Cheery.

-I'm a realist, mate. When your time is up, it's up.

This glorious existence is all there is.

Have you been running the business long?

About ten years.

On your own?

That's right.

Must be hard. Times being tight and everything.

It can be, yes.

To tell you the truth, I'm not interested in jewellery.

I know that sounds stupid after what I'm here for.

I was left the business when my dad died, and...

I sort of felt like I had no choice.

I don't really have anything else...

..no friends, no life...

No boyfriend?

No. No-one. No.

Why did you steal from the Asplands now?

I don't know. The necklace was obviously valuable...

So they gave you business before but you didn't steal from them?

I've already said.

This was a moment of madness, a one-off thing.

I'm now showing Miss Wilson copies of her bank statements.

Can you see where the deposits have been highlighted?

Miss Wilson has nodded her head.

And can you see where the withdrawals are highlighted?

-Yes.

-Can you explain these substantial amounts of money going in

and out of your account for the last two years?

I... It's from a will. My aunt.

She left me some money.

-In cash?

-Yes.

And what happens to the money when you withdraw it?

I'm... I've been doing work on my house.

Renovations, damp-proofing, you know. Workmen always want cash.

Really? We've been to your house, Miss Wilson.

It hasn't had any work done to it, has it?

No, I meant I'm about to start.

I've been buying clothes. Lots of clothes.

-That's not a crime, is it?

-Absolutely not, no.

Who contacted you about Mr Harrison's necklace?

-I don't remember.

-Was it Mrs Aspland?

-I don't...

-Or was it Mr Aspland? Geoff?

I honestly don't remember.

I really don't.

You clearly don't believe me!

Is there any reason why we shouldn't believe you, Deborah?

I don't think I should say anything else until I have a solicitor.

Absolutely. We'll get the custody sergeant to arrange that for you.

Interview terminated at 14.28.

Where to now, Sarge?

I think you can work that one out.

I'm voting to keep it, just so you know.

I thought it was supposed to be a secret ballot.

It's hardly the general election, is it? What do you think?

Oh, I don't know, I can't decide how I feel about it.

Isn't it a bit morbid?

I don't think so. It's already been useful to me today.

Mrs Abrahamson. One of yours?

Yeah. Very sad. Breast cancer.

Her best friend came in, in distress.

Panic attacks, night terrors, the works.

Thanks to this, I was across it in a flash.

It's strange, isn't it?

People are living longer than they ever have,

to the point where it's almost seen as a failure if they die

even if they're in their 90s.

"I don't understand, Doctor, he had so much to live for..."

Sorry...

It's fine. I'd rather laugh than listen to the platitudes.

"He's in a better place."

"At least he didn't suffer."

"Only the good die young."

It's strange, as it's something that we're all going to have to face

and yet we find it so difficult to talk about.

After Howard, people couldn't even say that he'd died.

They'd say, "Oh, he's passed away," or, "moved on".

Marilyn Monroe gave her favourite make-up artist

a money clip engraved with the words: "While I'm still warm..."

When she died she had an open casket and he did the corpse.

I'm so glad that I got to say a proper goodbye to Howard.

Is that odd?

No. It's healthy.

And it sounds like you've decided how you feel about it after all.

I'm sorry not to be more help.

As I say, I normally know about everything that goes through the accounts.

-You've no idea why the transactions with the Wilsons haven't?

-No. You'll have to ask Geoff.

You sure you won't wait for him?

No, that's OK. Just tell him we want a word.

Oh, here he is now!

Sergeant Hollins. Is there a problem?

The police wanted to know how much we'd used Wilson's before, Geoff,

so I showed them the accounts. That's all right, isn't it?

Of course it is. Why shouldn't it be?

Mrs Aspland seemed to think you'd used Miss Wilson quite a lot.

There's no record of it.

It's such small amounts, I paid her in cash mainly.

At least you paid her.

Nice car.

Thanks.

I can't remember whether you bought that from the company account or...

You know I didn't, darling.

I got it with money from my savings.

What savings, darling?

You know. My savings...

darling.

So, I take it you've solved the case, then?

Yes, I think so.

Miss Wilson has given us a full confession.

Do you know Miss Wilson well, Mr Aspland?

Hardly.

Only when we do the occasional bit of business, you know.

Oh, come on, Geoff, love, don't lie to the police.

It's more than occasional.

Isn't it time you told them the truth about your girlfriend,

the jeweller?

Geoffrey Aspland, I'm arresting you on suspicion of theft.

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be used in evidence.

This is preposterous. Tell them, Maureen.

Oh, I intend to.

I think we'll have a little chat down the station, don't you?

I suspected he's been playing away for years.

A wife knows when her husband is lying.

But you didn't know about the jewellery scam?

Absolutely not. He claimed he'd been winning on the horses.

Would it surprise you to learn that we have evidence that Miss Wilson

replaced your clients' jewellery on some 23 occasions?

Yes, it would! Cheeky mare!

I knew he was putting business her way, but I never thought...

Can I ask, if, as you say, you knew nothing, what happened today?

You tell me.

All I did was dress the body, as I always do, following the wishes of the bereaved.

He said he wanted the jewellery prominently displayed,

so that's what I gave him.

Well, how was I supposed to know he'd spot it instantly?

The one I feel sorry for in all this is Deborah.

Poor woman, getting sucked into his schemes.

It was me. All me.

It was my idea all along.

It had nothing to do with Geoff.

Why give him the money?

He loves me.

These are details of your phone records for the last two years.

You contacted Mr Aspland 5,622 times.

Have I?

Oh, yes. PC Green has counted them all.

And in that time, he's contacted you...38 times.

He's a busy man.

Your house is about to be condemned.

Your business is about to go under.

He paid for my new teeth. He buys me clothes.

Deborah, whose idea was it really?

To replace the jewellery with fakes?

He's been so good to me.

He makes me feel special, wanted.

It was my idea, Officer. Geoff's an innocent man.

The woman is an idiot.

She'd never have come up with an idea that brilliant.

It was all me.

Let's face it, I was doing her a favour, wasn't I?

I mean, she looks all right now, but you should have seen her when we first met.

If it wasn't for me, she'd still look like that.

I was doing her a favour.

I was doing them all a favour.

Chucking jewellery in graves to rot!

If those idiots really loved their family members, they'd have worn it, wouldn't they?

Or sold it and had a good time with the money?

I've had a lifetime of dealing with miserable people and smelly dead bodies.

If I want to have a little fun, well, sue me...

We won't do that, Mr Aspland,

but we will be charging you.

Do not forget to cast your vote.

Ah, yes. The secret ballot was a masterstroke, Mrs Tembe.

Remind me never to play you at chess.

I've decided that you are going to die from an excess of charisma.

Thank you. And you will die from the bluntness of your own wit.

No way. Zara will die falling off her heels.

And you, Haskey,

will cop it when one of your own inventions blows up in your face.

What about me?

-Old age.

-Heart attack.

Bizarre gardening accident.

Talking yourself to death.

Pot, kettle!

I am not sure I like this game.

You're both being charged with 23 counts of theft.

Your bail will be set later today.

Geoff, I love you.

Oh, leave me alone, you stupid woman.

There's no need for that.

Oh! There they are. Bonnie and Clyde.

Mrs Aspland, you're here to identify evidence.

You shouldn't be talking to him.

He's still my husband.

Darling, I need money for a solicitor.

You can whistle for it, mate.

Nice!

Oh, and I thought you might like to know I've been seeing someone, too.

The groundsman from the cemetery.

He's half your age!

I know. It's fabulous!

Geoff, I'll be waiting when you get out!

Don't bother.

Well?

Don't keep us in suspenders!

I am just making sure.

RINGING

Oh! It's the fostering service.

The board stays.

You know, I think you might die quite young,

at the hands of a disgruntled employee.

Peace offering.

Thanks.

Oh, you still here?

Paperwork. How are things at the fun house?

Everyone's talking about death. Don't ask.

Really? Us too.

Whatever possessed you to move here, Tyler?

Broke up with my girlfriend. The town wasn't big enough for the two of us so I changed forces.

-So, you're young, free and single, then.

-Guess so.

Good-looking lad like you -

I'm sure you won't be single for long.

-That's the nicest thing you've said to me all day.

-Don't get used to it. Pass me that chocolate bar.

What about the sugar ban?

As your superior officer, that is an order - give.

RINGING

Unbelievable! How does she know?

Hiya, love.

Listen, we sometimes go to the Icon after work. You should join us sometime.

Thanks. I will.

He's a good bit older than Hannah.

Had a fair few run-ins with the law.

-Would I know him?

-No. He's got no connections with Letherbridge.

If you'd have arrested him they'd never have given him to us.

It's... I don't know whether I want an actual criminal in the house.

Come on, love. This is why we got involved in the first place, isn't it, to help kids?

-Yeah...

-Lads like him will need our help more than most.

If we can be a positive influence on his life,

help him become honest, then that's got to be a good thing, hasn't it?

-If you're sure.

-Absolutely.

OK, well, I'll tell them yes.

Are you chewing?

No. Are you?

No...

Hi! Barney! Come in.

I can get you what you want. Peruvian, Colombian.

I look forward to seeing you at church.

We are going to make a big fuss of her.

It's this death wall thing.

Don't let Mrs Tembe hear you calling it that.