07/07/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

Max, heads up!

-Oh, look at them skills!

-Max, over here. Go on!

What's the matter with you?

Men and balls, eh?

This ain't going to work, you know.

I've got to do something, Kat. Come on, Raymundo, keep it up!

THEY CHEER

Having a kick-about on the square is one thing,

but getting that lot to sign up for an actual team...

They're buzzing out there now.

You watch, come lunchtime, queuing up to put their name down on here.

You've been trying to get this team together for over two weeks now.

-Oh, and you reckon you could do better, do you?

-Well, I couldn't do worse.

-Cobblers.

-I'm going to prove it to you. I'm taking over.

-What you on about?

-You've had your chance. It's my turn now.

-Oh, you reckon, do you? Hey!

< That's it. Harry...

Lovely. Here you are, Derek!

Go on, son. On me 'ead!

-What do you want, Joey?

-Can't stay away?

-Not very good, are you?

-I haven't played for years.

I wasn't talking football.

-See, that's what I like about you, always with the quick reply.

-Joey?

Gran's coming for tea.

What, here?

No, it's the last place she'd come. 4 o'clock, at home. Be there, yeah?

Let me down if you want, but...not an old girl.

-You don't know for sure that this was down to Jay.

-Who else could it have been?

No-one else knows.

"Information received," the police said. Come on, Pops, work it out. I have.

So, what now, eh? What are you going to do?

Go marching round there, shout the odds? Deck him?

-Maybe.

-'Bout time you started thinking of this little one.

I am thinking of her!

And d'you know what? I could actually lose her cos of this.

Oi, oi, easy, easy, easy! Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Hey, Sasha, Sasha, Sasha...

Got me in enough trouble last time.

-Basketball?

-Yeah, but that was an accident, though, innit?

It doesn't matter what it was.

I took the blame for you and now I've got to work it off.

Not much work being done so far.

-It's really dusty in there.

-Stay out here, then.

-Yeah?

As long as you like - I'm thinking "outside display".

Tempt the passing punters to stop and take a look,

and when you've stacked that box there's another four indoors.

This is supposed to be study time.

I could be down the library.

He's not interested in you, not really.

-He's just using you to get at me.

-Maybe he's changed.

Alice, he's never even sent you a birthday card before.

Yeah, OK, and he sent you one every year...

Yeah, and we all know why - just playing games.

So why's Gran coming over all of a sudden?

-She going to pile on the pressure too?

-Today was her idea, not mine.

That shop across the road sells cakes, don't it?

4 o'clock.

So, he got you your money back, did he?

-Er, yeah, a bit.

-And why would he do that?

Because he's a nice guy.

Oh. No other reason, no?

-Such as?

-Such as...he really fancies you.

How should I know?

Well, you know.

Yeah, you know, you always know.

Well, he hasn't made a move, if that's what you mean.

-That's a shame.

-What?

-Because YOU blatantly fancy him as well.

-Yeah, who said that?

-You don't have to.

-It's written all over your face.

-You all right, Jack?

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah. You look like you're putting on weight?

-Do what?

-I'm not surprised, really, pigging out on that rotten muck every day.

-Oh, I see.

You got the Vic doing breakfasts now, in't you?

You're out trying to drum up some trade.

I'm not trying to drum up anything.

-You fling around insults for the sake of it?

-I'm not insulting you.

You just called me fat.

No, I said you look like you're piling on a few extra pounds,

-but I know a great way to burn 'em off.

-Oh, yeah, sounds interesting.

-Mmm.

Football.

Hold your breath, already had the hard sell from Alfie.

-This is from me, not that muppet.

-No, he's been trying to sign me up to that team of his for days.

-Nah, nah. It's not his team. It's my team. I've taken over.

-Really?

I'm in charge of everything - team tactics, oranges at half-time -

might even throw in the odd rub-down if you play really well, yeah?

The list is in the Vic if you fancy putting your name down.

Well, offers like that, you might have a fair few takers.

Oh, I'd get in quick, then.

CHEERING ON LAPTOP

-Rugby.

-What?

-That's where it is.

-Where what is?

-The torch.

Rugby.

It's making its way all the way up to Leicester today.

You should come and have a look,

there's some right characters taking it on.

Look, Lo...

..there is no point in you just sitting here, brooding, all right?

It ain't going to solve nothing.

I was thinking, maybe we could go out, do something...?

No, you're right.

What?

No point at all.

Oh. I thought maybe we could go down the park.

-No, I should be doing something about this.

-What?

-Ta, Pops.

-Lola?

-Really, really good advice.

-No, no... Where are you going?

-To get some answers.

-Oh, so you are going to kick off, then?

-Well, it depends on the answers.

-Lola, what have I told you?

This isn't just about you any more.

You get in any more trouble, what's going to happen to the little one?

I don't plan on getting in any more trouble.

You didn't plan on getting caught with the last lot.

Well, I need to know who it was.

-I thought you didn't care.

-I didn't, but if someone did you wrong, wouldn't you want to know who?

-What difference does it make?

-A big difference. What if it's someone that I thought was a mate?

Oh, right, so if it was Jay, then what?

-Then I want him to look me in the eye and tell me.

-And?

-Tell me the truth.

-And then what?

-Then nothing.

-What, that's it?

-Yeah.

You're just going to turn round and walk away?

No, he will, feeling this small.

-And that's it?

-It is.

Fair enough. I suppose he's got it coming to him.

-Yeah, he does, for starters anyway.

-Hey! Lola!

-So, someone in the frame?

-Yeah. You know that kid, Lola, don't you?

-How'd the Old Bill get onto her?

-That is the sixty-four-thousand dollar question.

-I've got work to do, so...

-Do you need a hand?

-Why, are you offering?

-No, not personally.

-Nah, didn't think so.

-My Joey's at a loose end, though.

-Oh, yeah?

-I didn't know he was looking for work.

-He ain't, not yet, but he's spending more time round here,

-so he might as well earn a few bob while he's at it.

-Del, I ain't got a few bob, not to spare anyway.

Anyway, is he going to be all right with you asking about?

-I thought he didn't want nothing to do with you?

-Families, innit?

You know what they're like.

Always more than meets the eye. You missed a bit. All right, Michael?

-Yeah, all right.

-How's Janine and the baby?

-Yeah, you know, Janine's being discharged today, so...

-Oh, that's good.

-Yeah.

-Send 'em my regards.

-Will do.

Has he had a personality transplant or something?

Oh, no, he's playing at being a caring dad, I think.

-How's everything? All right?

-Yeah, you know...

-You back to business?

-Yeah, a bit of business, then back to the hospital.

Cheers.

< KNOCK ON DOOR

-What do you want?

-Not you.

-Not anyone in this house.

-Hiding, is he?

-He ain't down the Arches.

-If you're talking about Jay,

-he's gone to get some parts.

-I've got a message for him.

-I'll pass it on.

I'd rather deliver it in person. I don't care what you or Pops has to say.

Should have expected this, I suppose - all grasses are cowards.

-Jay ain't a grass.

-So how did they get onto me?

Deserved it too, after what you did, but it weren't Jay.

-He told you that, did he?

-He didn't need to.

-You'd work that out if you had half a brain.

-How did the Old Bill find out?

Ta-ra.

-You're mates with the market boys, ain't you?

-Some of them.

Well, have a word with them, that's what I'm saying.

You know, bend their arms a bit - if that don't work, break a few.

-Actually, Kat, you know what? To be honest...

-What?

-Don't you tell me you're backing out?

-Look, I don't really have time

-for all of this.

-It's just a few matches. Maybe a bit of training.

Exactly - matches, training.

-I've got a full-time job in case you hadn't noticed.

-It's good exercise.

Like I don't do enough running around here all day.

Not that you need a lot of training, seeing as you're pretty fit already.

So, what, you calling me fit?

Come on, Ray, this'd be the making of the Vic, eh?

It won't only be the footballers that'd be in here,

it'd be all the supporters as well.

Think about it, all them new punters sampling your grub.

So this is a kind of work thing, then?

Mmm. Exactly.

All right, so if this is a work thing, yeah,

and I spend my time playing, matches and training,

then that'd be work too, then, yeah?

I'm not paying you for playing if that's what you mean.

All right, all right, all right,

but you could give me some time off in lieu, though, couldn't you,

IF I decide to keep my mind on all this

AND I have a word with some of the boys on the market?

See, the thing is,

-there's this exhibition that I wanted to take Sasha to next week...

-All right.

All right, deal.

All right. Well, if that be the case, you'd better put Winston down.

I spoke to him earlier on, he said he was well up for it.

Alfie...another player for the team.

Easy, Sash. You all right? Want a hand?

Done enough damage, haven't you?

Yeah, well, that's why I'm offering, innit, to make it up to you?

So, er, where do... where do these go?

What, here?

Walking disaster area, you two.

Pick 'em up.

Sorry. Sorry.

Do me a favour - next time you decide to help, don't.

Well, how about I buy you some lunch, then, instead?

-Probably give me food poisoning.

-McKlunky's, yeah, on me?

Anything you like.

Yeah. OK, then.

OK, then.

You all right, Joey?

Give me a hand pushing this, will you?

Cheers.

Not quite as fit as I used to be.

Never were, from what I remember.

You're still as mouthy, though, ain't you?

Phwoar, I would... if I wasn't with Tyler, obviously.

-Yeah.

-Wouldn't you?

-He's my cousin.

-What if he weren't your cousin?

No, that's disgusting!

I said if, Lauren, if?

-Maybe.

-You would.

THEY GIGGLE

I'm sorry I can't help you out, by the way.

-Eh?

-Well, it's like I was telling your old man,

there's plenty of work to go round, just not enough money.

Thanks again, yeah?

Well, they're hardly in the first flush of youth, are they?

I'll take anyone right now, just so long as they've got two arms,

two legs and don't have a bus pass.

You know what you need? You need a real man,

someone who knows what they're doing.

Anyone particular in mind?

-Well, there's no-one on that list.

-Beggars can't be choosers.

Why be a beggar at all when the answer's right under your nose?

If you mean you, you really do need help.

Me? No, I was thinking of my boy, Joey. He's always been handy round a football.

-D'you think he'll be interested?

-Ask him.

Why don't you?

It's always better coming from a lady.

That motormouth Lola was bending my ear earlier on.

She's been leaving me messages all morning.

-Reckons it's all down to you grassing her up.

-I wouldn't grass her up.

Well, someone did.

-I told Max, and I only told him so he'd keep schtum.

-So what happened?

-Change his mind, did he?

-That sound like Max to you?

-Who else, then?

Look, I've been thinking, and yes, I know it's unusual,

but I was thinking how I can help you out.

Like you just did with them books(?)

Look, your dad's been saying you've got to do this work experience thing.

Don't remind me. I'll probably end up stacking shelves in some awful supermarket somewhere.

But that's what you're doing anyway. Well, not in a supermarket,

-but in a shop, yeah?

-I don't understand.

Why don't you tell your school that you're doing your work experience early

at the charity shop, and then maybe, that way, you will not have to do it any more?

-That's your idea of helping, is it?

-Well, at least you get something out of it, innit?

I want to do something exciting on work experience,

something worthwhile, something that will stretch me,

that might actually get me somewhere.

I don't just want to waste my time on something that doesn't matter.

-Don't you understand anything?

-OK, ladies, these are two kebabs here, one with chips and salad,

-and one with the hot, hot, hot sauce for Kimmy.

-Thank you.

-Looking hot in pink.

-SHE LAUGHS

I understand one thing.

You fancy him, don't you?

No.

-Course you do.

-Rubbish.

-Come on.

-He's a nice boy.

-For goodness' sake!

-You're a lovely looking girl.

For the last time, I do not fancy Fat Boy.

Um...drinks?

Yeah, I'll have a drink. Yeah, let's have drinks.

-Oh, OK, enjoy.

-Thank you.

-That's all right.

-Oi, where have you been?

-Keep your hair on.

-I ain't been getting in any trouble.

-You don't have to - trouble's already here.

-What?

Oh!

Look, he turned up about a half hour ago.

I got your social worker here,

so just let her do all the talking, yeah?

What now, eh? I've answered all your questions. I wasn't there.

I don't know anything about any car,

and I don't care what any dirty little grass has been whispering in your ear either.

We have evidence to suggest that you were at the scene of the crime.

So? I've been looking at a few motors lately.

-Pops has been teaching me to drive, ain't you, Pops?

-At 15?

-I'm advanced for my age.

-We'll need to go to the station to answer any further questions, Lola.

-What's happening?

-You should know.

-Come on, Bill.

-They've charged her.

They've found her dabs all over the car lot.

OK, maybe this one wasn't down to you.

-Yeah, it weren't.

-All right.

You tell whoever shopped her, this ain't a joke.

This lot are talking youth court, the works,

and OK, maybe she shouldn't have done what she did,

but so what? Max is going to lose a little bit of business.

She could lose everything cos of this.

ENGINE STARTS

Just can't seem to do right for doing wrong.

-Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood. It ain't easy.

-I ain't a parent.

-Ray is.

-I know,

and if I still want to keep seeing him, yadda, yadda, yadda...

Listen, just save the lecture, I already got it from my sis, all right?

You're going to have to find some way to connect to her.

Oh, I connect with her.

I put my foot in it every time I open up my gob.

I keep winding her up for no reason. I don't know why.

Maybe you should find out what's important to her,

-what she's interested in.

-Yeah? I tried that earlier in McKlunky's,

-and that did not go down very well.

-McKlunky's?

-Ah!

She's interested in dance, but you mean like important things, innit?

Like schoolwork?

Maths, science and stuff like that, innit?

-I did say it wasn't going to be easy.

-Yeah.

-Football?

-Yeah, or are you more of a chess man or dominoes?

-I play a bit, yeah.

-All right, then, play for us, your local team.

-This ain't my local.

-Oh, I thought...

-What?

Someone been bending your ear about me, have they, someone like my old man?

Yeah, I'll take that as a yes, shall I?

-I'm just looking for a few likely lads.

-Oh, yeah.

-He put my name in the frame, did he?

-Maybe he thought you'd enjoy it, a bit of fun.

-Don't know him too well, do you?

-Don't have a go at me.

Ah! So, just the one name, then? Not having much luck, are you, darling?

-There's Max.

-No, hold on. Max's name is not on the list, is it?

-But it will be. ..You all right, Max?

-All right, Kat?

What can I get you?

Just an orange juice, please.

-You're off the hook.

-What?

-The police have just arrested Lola,

found her fingerprints all over the car lot.

-You don't look too surprised.

-Well, nothing that one does surprises me.

-Is that the only reason?

-Look, I can't get into trouble, and you know that.

-I ain't going to risk losing Bobby. It's me or her.

-That's not the point...

-And I choose me.

What would you do?

No, I was just checking, that's all. Yeah.

Yeah, my mistake.

Seen Derek?

-Not since this morning.

-Only I need a word.

Just spoke to Gran, though.

She knows nothing about coming for tea tonight,

probably because she's not, is she?

What's the idea, Joey?

Get me home, lock the doors, barricade the windows?

Get a life.

Coffee, please.

All right?

Things are looking good, then? I've just been talking to Max.

Yeah, yeah. Touch and go.

So fragile, aren't they?

Yeah.

You feel...helpless.

Yeah.

Do me a favour, Kat, when am I going to find the time to play football?

-Yeah, Jack said you'd be chicken.

-Been twisting his arm an' all?

-Didn't need to.

-He jumped at it.

-He ain't got a flaming wedding to sort out, has he?

Ooh, you make it sound like it's a chore.

I didn't mean it like that.

-Should be fun, shouldn't it? Planning your big day an' all that?

-Yeah, it is.

I mean, I know it's your second time round and that, but still.

No, it's just Tanya, innit?

She's had a rough time, it's bound to have some effect.

By the sounds of it, it hasn't been a barrel of laughs for you either.

You know what I need, don't you?

-A good old work-out on some muddy football pitch somewhere.

-That's it.

You can work off those frustrations.

I didn't say anything about any frustrations.

Maybe I can recognise the signs.

Is that right?

Is what right?

Looking for work?

Not you as well.

What's that?

Been asking you too, has he? My interfering old man?

No, I'm the last person your old man would come to for a favour.

-Sounds like you don't really like him very much.

-Not exactly, no.

If you want to hack him off, I could do with some help behind the bar.

He might play games...

I don't.

-What happened?

-In court, Tuesday.

-Social worker says I should just plead guilty, get it over and done with.

-So, what,

you're just going to roll over?

-I'm bang to rights anyway, so what's the point?

-And what'll happen then?

-It's up to the magistrates. Come on.

-They wouldn't...

Don't matter what they do, does it? Too late.

Listen, it weren't me, all right? You know that, don't you?

Don't matter who it was, does it? Not now.

Lo.

Oh, I've had another idea.

Oh, no.

Now, about this work experience thing you've got to do, yeah?

-Not again!

-Listen, I've got this mate,

now he's a regular little brainbox, and he works in a hospital.

Now I know that you're really interested in blood and gore

-and all that kind of stuff, yeah?

-A hospital?

-Yeah.

-As in a real-life, working hospital...

Yes.

..with doctors and nurses and all that?

-Yeah, and he's not a porter, if that's what you're getting at.

-You mean he's an actual doctor?

Yeah, well, sort of. You see, he doesn't actually work with, like, live patients...

-What, you mean he's in forensics?

-Into what?

-But that's my favourite field.

-I know!

-And you could get me to work with him?

-I could ask.

-That would be fantastic!

-Yeah.

-Alfie?

-Hm?

-Look at this.

Ooh!

Well, Harry Redknapp, how did you do it?

Must be my natural charm...

Got them queueing up to play, ain't you?

-..or the free oranges at half-time.

-Jack, Max, most of the lads from the market.

Alfie, what can I say? You've either got it or you ain't.

I have and you ain't.

That's right, innit? Only there's one problem.

-What problem?

-One minute we ain't got enough, now we've got too many.

Seems to me you're going to have to disappoint a few players.

HE LAUGHS

Doing it again, ain't you, hm? Playing games?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Do me a favour, Derek.

Everywhere I've been today, it's all I've had, YOU,

in me face, talking to Max about me,

even talking to the landlady of this place about me.

-What makes you think I'm playing games?

-Where you're concerned, everything always is.

-Maybe I'm just trying to find out what's on offer for you.

-Because?

-Build some bridges.

-It's a bit late for that, innit?

-Well, that's what I'm trying to find out.

-Yeah, well, don't try!

Just ask...and I'll tell you.

Yeah...it is too late.

You know, I thought with you being a little bit older, we might be able to...

What, that I'd check my brain out, like my sister?

You're just doing what you've always done - trying to pull the wool over my eyes,

trying to convince me that you're not a slimy toad no more.

It's pathetic.

You know, I don't know why I bother.

Finally learnt your lesson, have you?

Like you said yourself, I've got my daughter here.

Don't count on it.

-She's here, ain't she?

-Don't get too used to that.

You never was worth bothering about.

Cos I saw through you?

My little Alice, she's an angel...

whereas you,

you're just the runt of the litter.

You got a minute?

That offer of yours...

Looks like I might need to stick around for a bit.

So I reckon it'll suit me down to the ground.

Good.

I reckon this football match could be the start of something big.

It's only a friendly.

I know, sweetheart.

But if we do really well, we could join the pub league, couldn't we?

One step at a time, eh?

Nan, can you get this junk off the table?

This ain't junk. It's highly valuable merchandise.

And I reckon this could put the Vic back on track.

It's going to take more than a football match to sort our finances.

No thanks to Michael.

He said he's going to pay us back.

-When exactly?

-I don't know.

Maybe I should go down the hospital and ask him.

Or maybe you should concentrate on the football. What do you reckon, Jean?

Hey, I can just see it now, though. You as the manager.

-Me as your star striker. Back of the net!

-You haven't made the team yet.

-Come on, sweetheart, my name's going to be top of the list, ain't it?

-Let's see how you do at the trial.

-Trial by football.

-You saying I've got to trial with the rest of the numpties?

-Yeah, that's right.

-But I'm sleeping with the manager.

-Exactly, Ulrika.

Which is more the reason why you got to prove yourself.

My Brian used to have a telescope. Not as posh as that.

Used to gaze at the stars for hours. Said he found it very therapeutic.

-Why don't you keep it, Jean?

-Really?

Why not? It'll take your mind off things.

Thank you, Mo! That is really kind of you.

See, that's what I'm talking about. Team Moon.

Pulling together.

Seeing as it is your day off today,

I am going to spoil you rotten, my little angel.

We're going to start with a proper cooked breakfast,

and then...I might have a little surprise for you.

I said he could stay the night, make it easier for his new job.

Got a job working with Michael.

Oh, Michael.

Don't mind, do you?

No, 'course not.

Nah...great! HE CHUCKLES

-Why don't you sit down and eat that properly?

-I ain't got time.

I've got two MOTs to do before the footie trials at lunch. See you later.

You enjoying that?

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, it sounds like it.

You're chewing really loudly!

I'm chewing like I always chew.

-Yeah, loudly.

-You never complained before.

Yeah, it's amazing, the things you get used to.

You're like a pneumatic drill! It's going right through me.

-Give it a rest, it ain't a crime to chew!

-No, but murder is.

Carry on with that chewing and I won't be responsible for my actions.

-Where you going?

-Back to bed!

Ah, thanks.

It's great Joey decided to stick around, isn't it?

Yeah, it's great. So what made you change your mind?

Oh, you know, thought I'd keep an eye on Alice.

Oh. And there I was thinking it was because of me.

So what's this surprise you've got laid on for me then, Dad?

Well, I thought I would take this opportunity to introduce you

to my world famous - but top-secret - recipe for spaghetti Bolognese.

THEY LAUGH

Dad learnt to cook in prison.

One must make good use of one's time

when one is paying one's debt to society.

-Oh, absolutely!

-Absolutely!

What say when we finish up here, we get down the market,

get the ingredients for the spag bol?

What about you, Joe, fancy pitching in?

No, you're all right. Somewhere I need to be.

Oi! So, Mrs Moon,

what exactly have you got planned for the trials, then?

-Ooh, trying to get inside info, are we?

-Nah. Course not!

You do know what you're doing, don't ya?

We wouldn't even have a team if it wasn't for me, thank you very much.

-You can be very persuasive when you want to be, can't ya?

-I'm still not telling you what I've got planned.

But seriously though, if you need help with formations or strategies,

-I'm your man.

-Is that right?

Yes! What are you going to do, a classic formation, 4-4-2?

Or you going to do the Christmas Tree formation, with a 4-3-2-1?

Or, my personal favourite, which is the 1-5-3-2, with a sweeper?

That's what you are, is it? The sweeper?

Clearing up all the mess that everyone else leaves behind?

Nah. I'm the front man, ain't I? The star striker. Match-winner.

Glory boy.

We'll see after the trials.

When you've finished that, you can come and help me down the Arches.

Maybe she needs some help. You know, counselling.

What Shirley needs is to go back to work.

Stop moping about and take her mind off things.

MOBILE BEEPS

What is it?

It's a reminder.

Heather's birthday tomorrow.

-Where you going?

-Give it back to Shirl.

Are you mad?

Come on. Pass it.

There you go, boys.

Looking good, guys!

It's like watching Bobby and Jackie Charlton.

-What does that make me, then? Bobby Moore?

-Dudley Moore!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, look, Usain Bolt's about to put in an appearance!

-All right, Billy, you all set for the trials, mate?

-Nah, I can't.

Well, I can't risk getting injured, can I?

I've got an Olympic flame to carry. Besides, I've got enough on my plate with all this Lola business.

-Bill, can't just turn a blind eye, can I?

-Nah, course you can't.

Look Max, I know what she did was wrong.

But she's 16 and she's pregnant. The last thing she needs is you and Lucy making trouble for her.

Yeah, well, my hands are tied, aren't they?

-Yeah, right. See you later.

-Yeah, see you, Billy.

Hello, Jay, you not going the football trials?

Yeah, I'm going to get changed now. How's Lola?

She's got the right hump.

We've got to go court today and Ritchie's told her to plead guilty.

-Some 16th birthday, eh?

-Is it her birthday?

Yeah. Anyway... good luck with the trials.

You should've seen it. Sunday lunch. Whole Branning clan round the table.

Max and Jack trying to outdo each other.

He had hair then, Max. But just as freckly.

And Jack, he was going to be the next Marlon Brando.

All mean and moody. Carol, face like thunder.

April, with her dreams of the future.

Suzy, with her latest boyfriend in tow. Different one every week, her.

Roast potatoes steaming up the window. And me carving the joint.

And the laughter ringing out. That's what I remember the most.

The laughter.

That sounds lovely.

Yeah, it was.

Look at me now -

can't even get me son to sit down and break bread with me.

Shouldn't be surprised, though. It's an unwritten law, innit?

Fathers and sons, always fighting like cats and dogs.

I was just the same with my old man when I was his age.

MOBILE BEEPS

It's Lauren.

Says she needs to see me urgently.

Well, you better get round there then, ain't ya?

-No. It's all right. I'll stay.

-No, go on. You're all right.

I'll finish up here. Just don't be late for lunch.

OK. I won't.

You're not going to do anything stupid, are ya?

Me? Never!

Good. Birthday card.

Cheers.

Listen, you're all right, ain't you, Lo?

Course. I'm 16, ain't I?

I can smoke, have sex - bit late for that, though.

Get married. Probably best not to do 'em all today, though.

Listen, I could come to the court with you if you want.

What, and miss your footie trials?

Yeah, I don't mind. It's not my thing anyway.

Nah, you're all right. Pops is picking me up in a minute.

Tell you what, you can take me for a birthday drink later if you want?

-Celebrate my freedom.

-Yeah, all right then.

ROWDY BANTER

I can feel the testosterone from here.

Yeah, I wondered what the smell was!

Who wants to see their dad in a pair of shorts?

I think it's sexy.

Not Max! Tyler, I mean.

THEY CHUCKLE

Shame your cousin's not trying out, innit?

-Bet he looks all right in a pair of shorts.

-Eugh, Mum!

What? I'm only saying what you're all thinking.

Seriously, though, what is the point in football?

It's all primal, innit?

If they weren't doing that, then they'd be beating their chests

-or wrestling in a field or something.

-Come on, you two! It's exciting.

Y'know, if Max and Tyler get picked, we get to be WAGs.

Great!

THEY LAUGH

What was so urgent?

-Not much competition in here, is it?

-I don't know about that, mate!

-We'll give you a run for your money, don't worry.

-All right...

Shame Ricky ain't here.

-I heard he was a good footballer.

-Shame he left town then, innit?

ALL: Ooh!

-Oi oi!

-Here she is, guv'nor!

THEY CHEER

SHE BLOWS WHISTLE

All right, boys, calm down. Right. The match is tomorrow,

so I ain't got a lot of time to kick you sorry lot in to shape.

-Hello? Some of us are already in shape.

-All right!

So I'll be testing your stamina...

..how fit you are...

and your ball-control skills.

THEY LAUGH

-But most importantly, your ability to score.

-Go on, girl!

-This is football you're talking about, ain't it?

-Course I am. What else?

This is what I call man management.

-Alfie don't know what he's let himself in for.

-Course I do,

that's why I married the girl!

So, just so you know, I ain't got no time for prima donnas.

So what I say goes, all right?

Yes, boss! Yes!

-And just remember, if you're picked...

-There's no ifs about it.

If you're picked, you'll be playing for the honour of the Queen Vic!

Yes! Go on the Queen Vic! Come on, boys.

Wait for me!

All right, Nan? What you come as - a saveloy?

THEY LAUGH

Meet your official team physio. Magic sponge at the ready.

Well, that should be an incentive to keep us injury-free.

And you're the first on my list for a post-match rub down.

RAUCOUS CHEERING

Yeah!

Right, come on then. Let's get this show on the road.

Why are you still playing games?

I was just trying to save you from a day in with Delia.

As long as this doesn't turn into another lecture about Dad.

No. Course not.

You oughta give Mum a call, though. Clear the air.

Because if you're going to be sticking around, we all need to try

-and find a way to get on, right?

-Right.

Good. So I'll see you at lunch.

One step at a time, eh?

All Dad wants is for us to just sit down and have a proper family lunch.

Just the three of us. It would mean the world to him.

And to me.

He's a bit good!

-Obviously rates himself, don't he?

-No, he's all show, ain't he?

-What's the matter, Grandad, worried you're not going to be able to keep up?

-Ha, you see! Quoted for truth!

HE LAUGHS

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

-Look at them pants!

-Oh that's mature, ain't it.

Don't do that in front of the ladies, man! It's not funny.

You wait till bath time after the match. I'll see it all then.

-She ain't serious, is she?

-Afraid you ain't going to measure up?

-No! That's not what I mean.

-No. I'm just saying, it's not right...

-Mate. She's winding you up.

-What?

-She's winding you up.

-Oh, that's funny. Like, mixed baths. As if, you know...

Kat, just to let you know - Fats is good in that department. So Kat, if you need to...

Yes. Get on, get on. On, boy!

Bet you're loving all this, ain't you? Blokes running around in shorts doing exactly what you say.

I don't know what you mean(!) Now get on that bus before I give you extra laps round that pitch.

-Oi! Alfie! Come on.

-Come on, lads!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Have you seen my phone?

-No.

Listen, I need you to go down the club for me.

I'm busy.

-I need you to take a delivery.

-Why can't you do it?

Because I've got a load of motors turning up at the Arches that need sorting out.

And with Janine in hospital, well, it's all hands on deck.

Shirley?

Fine!

So? How did it go with Alice?

HE SIGHS

She's... just so stubborn, you know.

Hmm. Must be a family trait.

THEY CHUCKLE

But give her time and she'll soon see what Derek's really like.

And what if she don't, eh?

Then you're just going to have to open her eyes.

Trust me, I've been trying, but...

But?

Right. You don't want her to hate you for it.

Then you're just going to have to be really, really clever about it then, aren't ya?

SHE CHUCKLES

-Here y'are.

-Thank you.

How comes you're not trying out for the footie, then?

Not sure I'm going to be sticking around too long.

I thought you had a job here.

-Derek.

-Oh, right.

See, the thing is with Joey is he's a control freak.

He always has to have everything his own way.

Taste.

That's awesome! But he'll come round. Eventually.

Well, let's hope so, eh? But I wouldn't hold your breath.

-Why did you sign for it?

-You weren't here.

And the bloke said you were expecting 'em.

Well, the cars, yeah. But not...not that!

The whiff of court. Lo. Come on, babe.

Otherwise they're going to stop serving lunch.

And I've gotta get back to work.

Janine's counting on me now, ain't she?

Hey, you hear little baby Pat's on the mend?

Good news, innit?

I can't believe it's only a week ago they had that big marquee up and everything in the square.

You going like that?

Er... Yeah. Why not?

-Oh, I see - you ashamed to be seen out with me, is that it?

-No. No.

I just don't see why you gotta go round flaunting that. It ain't like,

something to be proud of, is it?

MUSIC PLAYING: "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League

-You all right, Jean?

-What you got there?

-This will be my gateway to the stars.

-If I can understand it.

-Oh, very nice.

What, new hobby, is it?

Well, we all need something to take our mind off things.

# We're on the march with Kathleen's army,

# We're all going to Wem-ber-ley! #

Wemberley!

# And we're going to shake 'em up when we win the FA Cup

# Cos The Queen Vic are the greatest football team. #

-How did it go?

-Just call me the hat-trick king.

-He's a bit full of himself, ain't he?

-He is tasty, though.

-I bet he's no match for you warriors.

You know what, I don't know him but I like him. I like him.

Look at you, all out of puff.

Yeah. You want to work on your stamina, Max.

That's the story of his life.

# Little donkey, little donkey... #

Yes, all right, very funny. What's the matter with you?

I think you might've broke it.

Oh, Mo, it's not broken. It's just a bit of cramp. Get off, you dirty mare. Trying to cop a feel.

What's the matter with you? And if some of us, not mentioning no names, hadn't been so selfish,

I wouldn't have had to run around like a lunatic, would I?

Mate, listen. What can I say? I mean, some of us are thoroughbreds.

-And some of us are workhorses.

-Yeah, yeah. Kat hasn't picked the team yet.

And I'm sure she'll make the right decision, won't you, love of my life?

Oh, I'm sure she will. Make sure, Kat!

I know it's hard, but you can't keep moping about like this.

Shirley!

Don't you think I know that?

D'you think I enjoy sitting at home watching daytime rubbish telly?

You have no idea how annoying Jeremy Kyle is. I'd like to rip the weasel's head off.

Do you think I like drinking halfway through the day listening to tragic '80s songs?

Then let me help you.

How? What can you do?

Can you take the pain away?

I dunno.

I know you've got too much time on your hands.

Too much time to think. And too much time to remember.

What? What do you want me to do?

-You want me to forget about Hev? Forget about what happened?

-No. Course not. But...

Shirl, it's time to move on.

And Heather wouldn't want you moping about like this, would she, eh?

I dunno, she could mope with the best of them.

Why don't you come back here and work?

No. I don't want to be cooped up in here.

HE CHUCKLES

I know just the thing.

-What do you reckon your chances then?

-I dunno.

I was always last to get picked for sports at school.

Come on, sweetheart!

-Come on then, put us out of our misery!

-All right. I've chose the team. So -

in goal... Andrew.

Just call me safe hands.

In defence, Winston... Jay...

-Nice one, Jay!

-..Syed and Masood.

-They had to go back to work.

-Ah, boo...

-In midfield, Anthony...

-Yes!

-..Fat Boy...

-Yes! Just call me bouncer!

..and the Branning boys.

Midfield generals. Thank you.

And up front...Tyler Moon...

-Yes! Naturally.

-..and...

-Alfie!

-Hey, get in there!

-The rest of you are on the bench.

Kat. How come you're choosing Alfie instead of me?

Because Alfie's a team player.

-Come on, Raymondo. No hard feelings, it's all about age over experience. Right?

-Yeah, whatever.

And it's nice to know you'll be on the bench if I need a breather!

-All right, Max? What can I get you?

-Same again, please.

You sure about Alfie?

Yeah, like I said, he's a team player.

Safety net, more like. And team players don't win matches.

Winning is all about taking risks.

And you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I'm a proper little thrill seeker.

This is really good.

You wait till you taste the trifle I've knocked up for dessert.

Don't you mean your world famous trifle?

THEY LAUGH

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hey, sis.

-You came!

Couldn't let you down, could I?

Not too late, am I?

No. Course you ain't. Come on. Sit down. Sit.

There you go. You tuck into that, eh?

This is nice, isn't it?

-Well, I hope there's plenty more.

-Why, are you hungry?

I'm starving. I invited a few mates round for lunch.

You don't mind, do you?

-Joey said there was some grub going.

-Go on, everyone.

Don't be shy. There's plenty to go round.

Help yourselves.

Nice, mate. Cos I tell you what, I am ravenous!

There you go, Anthony, you sit there.

And pride of place for you, Lucy.

Er, where can I sit, then?

-You're family. You can stand.

-Oh, charming(!)

-Well, go on, everyone, tuck in.

-This is cream of the crop, Del.

Really? I think it's missing something. A little salt, maybe.

Mmm. Yeah, that's much better.

Here, Alice, you should have some more salt too.

-I don't want any.

-Hey, no need to be polite.

All family here. There you go.

Well, this is nice, ain't it?

-Del, Del, Del!

-Dad! No! Stop it!

-You get out of this house!

-Now! Now!

-Dad!

Alice. Meet your dad.

-All right, birthday girl, you all set for that drink?

-What - with this?

-It didn't go well, then?

-Top marks, Sherlock. Got a tag and community service.

But you can still go for a drink, can't ya?

-Long as I'm back in time for my curfew.

-Look on the bright side.

And what exactly is the bright side, Einstein?

At least you didn't get sent down. And you get to keep the baby.

Giving birth in a tag.

Classy. Still, least it's keeping up my family's tradition, eh?

My gran'd be well proud.

Listen, Lola...

That Lucy's going to pay for this.

Lucy was wrong to grass you up, yeah. But...

But what?

Oh, right. So this is all my fault, is it?

I only did this for you, Jay! So you better decide whose side you're on!

Well, say something.

Are you all right, darling?

How could you do it?

You knew how important this was to Dad. But you had to go and ruin it.

What? I'm sorry. All right?

But I had to show you the kind of man he really is.

Oh yeah? And what kind of man are you, eh?

What kind of man deliberately sabotages his own sister's happiness?

And for what? To make some misguided point, borne out of hatred?

He didn't do this because he loves you.

He did this because he hates me.

Don't listen to any of this. All this rubbish about wanting his family around him.

He doesn't care about you! He doesn't care about any of us.

Now come on. Let me take you home.

This is my home now.

And you're wrong. He DOES care about me.

And he cares about you. You just won't let him.

Now I want you to apologise.

Yeah? When hell freezes over.

Then I think you should leave.

What?! Alice, you're making a huge mistake here.

Fine.

But sooner or later, she'll have her eyes opened.

It's only a matter of time.

-You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

-No!

It'll be great, you know - open road, fresh air...

Stench of fried onions.

-Come on, where's your sense of adventure?

-It's a wreck!

-You like a challenge.

-Yeah, well, my life's one big challenge with you.

So...you up for it, then?

If it keeps you off my back.

Right, lads.

From this moment, I don't want you to think of me as Kat Moon,

landlady of the Queen Vic,

but The Guv'nor.

You know why Sir Alex Ferguson's so successful, don't ya?

-He ain't got a pair of these!

-Derek?!

Sorry, Derek, what was that?

I'm just saying, can you name me any other female managers, Kat?

Oh, right.

Derek seems to think that me being a good looking bird

is going to put you boys off.

If you think you're going to struggle with that,

I suggest you walk out that door right now.

No? Good.

Because, as the GUV'NOR...

I want you to go out there and show some passion.

Some guts.

-And I want you to bring back the win. do you think you can do that?

-Come

-on,

-boys!

What was that?

I've heard louder mosquitoes! I said, do you think you can do that?

THEY ALL CHEER

Like your style, Kat.

Very nice.

Kat.

You know, if winning is so important to you,

how come you're subbing your lethal weapon?

Because it also happens to have a dangerously large ego!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Assertive women. Love 'em.

-Mate, she kills me.

-Right, the bus leaves in five.

So make sure everyone's been to the little boys' room

and then we'll set off.

-That's right, boys.

-Oi.

-What?

-How did I do?

-Darling, I gotta say, you were fantastic.

Seriously. And if I didn't have to get on the bus,

-I'd sneak you upstairs right now.

-Alfie Moon, hold that thought.

OK, give me a kiss.

Just wanted to see how you are.

Fat. Bored. Stuck indoors.

I love being 16.

I tell you what, why don't I take you out for a drink?

I thought you had football?

Nah, I didn't get in.

Yeah, yeah - you mean you only made the bench?

Least you ain't in prison.

-Come on, I've brought 'em now.

-Don't want your blood gifts.

You all right, Michael?

-You think a few poxy shirts is going to get you back in with the family?

-Let's have a look.

-Oh, these are great. Thank you.

-You're welcome.

How's little Pat?

Yeah, she's, you know, she's better.

She's, she's a tenacious little thing, so...

Had to come back and get more clothes

cos her existing ones, they don't fit her. They're too big.

If you need anything, yeah?

Thank you, Kat.

See ya.

-Don't say it.

-Well...

-Where's Trace?

-She's running late.

-Great! She knows we've got a match and Jean's polishing her telescope!

-Give it a rest!

Here, have a look, what do you reckon?

Yeah, add at the bottom, "Join us after to celebrate."

-Feeling confident, ain't ya?

-I am, yeah!

Right, come on everybody, drink up!

Let's go, we've got a football match to go to! Come on, The Vic!

You know he's only on the bench, right?

Well...not for long if Kat's got half a brain.

So...what do you think?

Funny, don't see them WAGs covered in face paints, do you?

Grab me some baby wipes, would you, yeah?

-Got one for me, darling?

-Yep, here y'are.

Luke, you can stand in for Jay - seeing as he can't be bothered to turn up.

Come on, Kat, man!

No! It's Guv'nor.

Do you reckon there'll be scouts there today?

Yes, heard there's a spot on the England squad going.

-And if you play really well, you might get signed up for a

-real

-pub league.

-Sweet.

-Here y'are.

Remember what I told you about looking before you kick the ball.

How many times? I told you, I tripped on a divot.

-What's a divock?

-A DIVOCK doesn't exist -

much like Dad's imaginary divot.

-All right, son, don't get cocky!

-Yeah, Syed, don't mock the elderly.

-Oi.

-I'm only joking, Mas!

Anyway, Alfie's the senior citizen of this team, ain't you, darling?

Don't listen to her, Masood. We're still in our prime.

Come on, son, let's go. Come on the lads!

-Hi, Alf.

-All right?

-All right?

-All right?

-Brought yourself to watch a girl's team, then?

Gotta support my little brothers, ain't I?

I been watching them since they were knee high, their little legs!

DEREK LAUGHS

Oi, Max Branning, what have I told you about smoking?

All right, Miss.

-Thought you was talking about on the pitch!

-Ha-ha-ha(!) Get on the coach.

Excuse me.

Anthony, hope this ain't one of yours.

Oh, all right, darling?

Oh, do me a fav...

-Oh, easy, easy! Easy!

-Come off it!

Oh, get in there, son!

THEY CHEER

Jealousy's an unattractive quality, boys.

Hope you're going to save some of that passion

-in the tank for me, Jack.

-Always.

That mine?

-Oh, yeah. Here y'are.

-Thank you.

Right, come on then, driver. Let's go!

THEY ALL CHANT

Wait for us! Wait for us!

Can we go home now?

Kim don't give up that easy, you know.

All right, come on.

What, you just going to stand there?

Get stuck in.

PHIL CHUCKLES

Dear, oh, dear.

Boys, get those legs up!

This is like one of them naked-in-school dreams.

Vivienne Martinez - manager of the Old Lions.

Kathleen Moon, Queen Victoria.

My lot could do with a break today.

Excuse me?

Don't worry, I'll tell them to go easy.

Yeah, if they want to get caught with their pants down.

Right, lads, I want you to get out there and smash it!

-Play dirty if necessary.

-And I thought this was going to be boring!

Go on, boys!

Go on the boys!

CROWD CHEERS AND SHOUTS

One text, eh? What's so great about Costa Rica

-that she can't spare the time for that?

-I dunno, Jay.

-Probably the hot Costa Rican boys.

-You reckon?

-Ugh!

-What?

You're supposed to be cheering me up, not the other way round!

-What are you doing?

-Keys...

Want to add breaking and entering to your list of crimes as well?

It's all right, I'll be at home and tucked up in bed

by my eight o'clock curfew.

Technically speaking, it's just entering.

What about Shirley's Shack?

I ain't selling cockles on the seafront.

You got any better ideas?

-Yeah, Beef Me Up!

-PHIL LAUGHS

What? I like it.

What do you reckon, Ben? The name for my burger van?

Dad, can I have a word?

Don't you feel bad?

It's Heather's birthday today and she ain't got a clue.

Yeah, and have you seen her? She's smiling.

When was the last time you saw that, eh?

It just don't feel right, you know? Not to mark it.

And you need to move on as well, Ben.

I think we should tell her.

Do you really think now is the time for honesty?

Hmm?

Do you?

What was that?! What was that?!

-That's it, I'm off!

-Come on, lads!

I've seen more passion in a retirement home!

-Push forward!

-Calm down, we're a team!

-Come on then, boys! Come on!

Jack! Jack! Whoa, whoa, whoa...!

Hiya, you all right?

Sorry we're late - Zainab was driving.

Er, excuse me!

You'd still be stuck on the Square if it wasn't for me.

So how are we doing, babe?

-3-0.

-Well, that's good.

-To them.

-What?

'Ere, Kat, stick Ray on, man. He'll sort you out!

She's got a point, y'know.

-Know what I'm doing.

-Listen, you got to start taking some risks.

You ain't going to win the match by keeping your old man happy.

Yeah? Then how come he's about to score? COME ON, ALFIE!

Go on, Alf! Go on, Alfie!

Come on, come on!

Go on!

WHISTLE BLOWS

THEY ALL SHOUT

We got a penalty!

THEY ALL CHEER Yes!

-Come on, Ty.

-No, it's all right, I'll take it. I'll take it.

No, no, Alfie, let Tyler...

-I'll take the penalty, all right?

-Sure?

-Yeah, it's all right.

-You sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Go on, Alfie!

-Come on, Alfie! Come on!

-Alfie, keep it low, yeah?

-Come on, Alfie!

-Come on!

THEY ALL SHOUT AND CHEER

-Oh, no!

-Do me a favour!

-Stick Ray on, man!

-Chin up, Alf. Come on.

Pint of lager, please.

You got any ID?

I know, shall we make some cocktails?

Your baby don't stand a chance.

For you, moron.

They're making a mockery of our defence.

Masood, Syed - wake up!

Mid-field - keep up the good work, Jack.

Safe hands? Yeah, right.

If you tried to put your head in your hands, you'd miss!

Max - plenty of teasing, not enough action. Don't hold back.

Yes, boss.

-Fat Boy.

-Yes, your main man's right here.

Not enough teasing. You're rushing it.

Treat the ball like you would a woman.

Ty? Anthony?

Yeah, say no more. Ray, you're in.

Come on, you lot. Huddle up.

-Come on! We're not losers!

-Come on then, boys.

Right, what do I want to see?!

-ALL SHOUT:

-Passion!

TEAM ALL SHOUT

Sorry. Sorry, Alfie.

Hey, what are you talking about? Don't be silly.

I'm well proud of you, ain't I?

Come on, the lads, keep your heads up, let's have it...

Voila.

That tastes like toilet water.

That what you drink round yours?

Here, wait, who am I?

"Darlin', I made ya that cocktail,

"so you either better drink up and pay up

"or take your skinny little butt and get out of my pub."

Kat?

KEYS JINGLING

Get out the back. Get out the back. Quick, quick!

CROWD SHOUTING

Go on, Ray! Go on.

Go on! Go on!

CROWD CHEER AND APPLAUD

Well done, boys. Well done!

Give me a R... R! Give me a A... A!

-WHISTLE BLOWING

-Unlucky, boys. Well played, boys.

-Well played.

-Well played.

Almost had me worried there.

-Congratulations.

-Cheers.

-Yeah, well done.

-You want to bring the boys back to The Vic?

-Thanks, might just do that.

Lovely. Well done, Jack.

Don't worry. We'll wipe that smile off her face next time, eh?

First round on you then, Guv, eh?

Yeah. THEY LAUGH

RADIO PLAYS

Won't budge - must be something wedged up against it!

Cos you ain't pushing hard enough. Get out the way, gimme a go!

So what do we do now, then?

..like Chris Waddle, weren't it? Italia '90. Broke my heart.

Yes, mate, yes.

So tell us, Alfie, when you were taking aim,

was it the goals you were lining up

or that plane that was flying above it?

Tell me, Jack, when you missed the open goal,

-were you frightened you were going to mess your hair up?

-Get out of it!

Your face, though, your face, Alfie, was a picture... "Ooh!"

Is that supposed to be me, or a dying slug,

-or is that just your face?

-No, no, this was you, Alfie... "Whey!"

What about when you missed the open header in the second half?

-You were like that...

-Oi, don't try putting it back onto him.

-We ain't going to let you forget this!

-At least he had the guts to stand and take it.

-I didn't see any of you lot offering.

-No, I offered. I offered.

-He did.

-I'm proud of him for giving it a go.

-At least his missus still loves him.

But I bet he ain't getting any tonight!

-He's got more chance than you, Derek!

-Ahh!

First round's on me, Trace!

THEY ALL CHEER

-ALL CHANT:

-We love you, Kat Moon, we do.

We love you, Kat Moon, we do. We love you, Kat Moon, we do...

All right! Shh, calm down, let Mrs Moon talk, thank you.

Right, your attention for a moment, please.

Right, first off, I'd like to congratulate the Old Lions on their victory, fair and square.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But seeing as this is my pub,

the man of the match award is decided by me.

So, step up, Mr Ray Dixon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Almost saved us from the jaws of defeat - next time, eh, Ray?

OK, now that's my man, OK!

Read and weep - he's coming home!

-Go on, Ray.

-Someone else who caught my attention on the field today -

Legs of the Match goes to Mr Jack Branning!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

I just want to say a big thank you to my mother and father

-for the lovely genes.

-What, these ones?

-Yeah, these ones.

Apologies to my brothers, you know, for taking all the best bits.

-Oi, oi, oi, shut up!

-Sit down, sit down!

But most of all, I want to thank my brilliant team for doing me so proud.

So, kick back and have a good time!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oi, big foot, watch your legs.

-All right!

-Smells nice.

-Yep, none for you, though.

Impressive skills on the pitch today.

You ever played professionally?

You're kidding, right? He's ancient!

Oi, what do you mean, "ancient"? Go and stick a tune on the jukebox.

Go on.

-Nah, nah, cooking's my thing.

-Well, we could do with a chef too.

Too?

The Old Lion, Dalston...

we're missing a good man up front.

You know, I'm flattered, really, but...I'm happy here. Thanks.

What a shame.

Oi, you trying to poach my team?

Lucky for you he's loyal.

Glad you know which side your bread's buttered.

Well, I'm glad you realised

the goldmine standing right in front of you.

Shame it took you so long.

You might be a decent player, but if you're not playing for the team

you might as well be scoring own goals.

Kim might think you're God's gift

but if you believe every word that comes out of her gob,

you'll be falling on that handsome face of yours.

Yeah, all right, Guv. Point taken.

-This done, yeah?

-No, no...

Ooh!