07/07/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

Don't be silly, mate. No, I appreciate it.

Yeah, course I do. All right, we'll go for a drink soon.

-Yeah.

-How's Lauren doing, Mum?

-All right. See you later.

Jack. Keeps calling every hour.

But she's OK?

-Great. Well, er, thanks for calling and, er...

-Abs?

-..send my love to Oscar.

Bye.

Well?

Well, she said Lauren's settling in fine.

But her and Oscar are still at a B&B,

but they've found a place near the centre and they move in on Thursday.

-Is that it?

-We should send her a parcel, case she's forgot something.

Yeah, thanks for that, Cora.

-Suppose you got things to do this morning. We've got quite a bit to sort out. As a family.

-Whoa!

-She IS family.

-Well, you know what I mean. You understand, don't you?

Yeah. I understand, Max.

Come on, Dex. Let's go.

-Is Lauren about?

-Why do you care?

She's my friend.

Is that right?

I know I've let her down - you don't have to remind me.

-She's not going to be around for a while.

-Well, where's she gone?

I think it's called rehab.

I tell you what - that man is miserable.

But we're lucky we've got our own unit. Me, you and Mum.

We should get her up for a cup of tea.

-I think she's got better things to do.

-Who, Mum? Like what?

Keep her away from him, in any event.

Waster.

-What are you doing?

-Well, I just want it to be me and you this morning, all right? Team Branning.

Team Branning?

Do you even know what we're having for dinner?

It's quarter past 11.

Yeah, well, we need a plan, otherwise it gets to, like, six,

no-one can decide, we don't have anything

and then we end up getting a takeaway and that's not healthy.

Abs, don't worry about that.

It is just us now, so someone has to make sure we eat well,

that the bills are paid, that the house is clean.

Yeah, well, that's me, innit?

I should've done more. She's my sister - I should've...

Abs, please, you did everything you could've done.

You were amazing with her.

-Abs, please don't worry, all right? I'm going to look after you now.

-Yeah, until you go back to Kirsty.

And then what? It is just me.

What am I going to do?

Ab, it might not be just you.

What's the point of sending your kids on a trip if you have to go in anyway?

-It's not a day off.

-Tonight?

-With Dexter sitting in the next room, eating his dinner?

-How about now?

-Oi!

-Well?

-All right. I'll go first. You follow me.

-Thought we agreed ten o'clock.

-We did. Er...

I've just got something I need to see to.

I've got diners coming in for lunch. I need those lights doing. Come on!

Oh, go on.

Keep your phone on. I'll give you two rings, yeah?

-Like commandos.

-Why two rings?

It's fun, innit? Remember when we used to have...fun?

Yeah, I do remember.

-Oh!

-Sorry.

-Why can't you watch what you're doing?

-Sorry.

Once an idiot...

I said I was sorry.

-She seem a bit off to you?

-She's not exactly my biggest fan.

Hey.

Remember - commandos, yeah?

KIRSTY: Max, it's me again. I just want to talk to you.

Please.

Who lies to their husband about having a baby?

-And how could you not know?

-I don't know, Abs.

Is that why you stayed with her?

I don't know.

Would you have stayed with her if you knew she wasn't pregnant?

-Abs, honestly, all right? I don't know.

-So that's it, then? You and Kirsty?

Yeah. I think so, yeah.

-Does Mum know?

-Well, yeah, before she left she did, yeah.

So it could have been all of us back together.

If it wasn't for her, you and Mum could have figured this out.

-Abs, please.

-No. Do not even think about telling me what to do.

All I know is she rang me this morning and asked me to be manageress of the salon.

-Well, how long for?

-Dunno. She said indefinitely.

Which, you know, is an amazing opportunity for me.

Not to mention the pay rise. Very welcome!

-Hey.

-All right?

I'll leave you two to it, then.

Joey!

What?

-Lauren's gone.

-What d'you mean, "gone"?

-To rehab.

-What?

-Well, for how long?

-I don't know.

-Have you spoken to her?

-She won't answer my calls.

-Why not?

Eh?

Why not, Lucy?

Oh, right. You know what? Don't tell me, actually.

I don't care. You ain't ever been honest in your life, have you? Never even once.

I may have given her... the impression that me and you were together.

-HE SCOFFS

-You may have?

-I did.

You are unbelievable, Lucy, d'you know that?

No. They're silly.

Go on. Be a laugh.

OK. What are you?

-Virgo.

-Virgo.

"You're entering a busy phase. Take opportunities when they arise."

Pfft! I am trying. What about you?

Oh, I'm Capricorn.

"Be on the lookout for little treats. They could signal romance."

Hmm! Little treats, huh?

Red-hot week ahead of you there, Jean, with all those little treats.

Oh, if only! SHE CHUCKLES

Ah, that's what I like to hear - happy staff. Good to see.

-Is that time for my break, boss?

-You only just started.

I have to let this filler set.

Can't do anything else till it does anyway.

Like your efficiency. Go on, then. Off you go.

Oh, lunch booking came in while you were out.

-Yeah? Stick it in the book?

-Yeah. It's in there. Name's Carl.

Nice guy. Said he'd be in 12-ish.

Little treats! Ooh!

-Er, the, er...

-Oh, he's a card, isn't he?

Yeah, he is. Can you go to the stall and get the sage Peter's saving for me?

Oh, I'm not working today. I'm only in trying the tea samples we got sent.

Yeah, well, it'll only take you a minute.

Well, I'm supposed to be at the Vic.

-How could you?

-I'm on my way to see your dad - try and explain.

What sort of person lies about something like that?

-I don't want to talk about it with you.

-Well, I do!

Who lies about being pregnant?

Lies to their husband? How could you, Kirsty?

Because I don't understand.

-I'm sorry, Abi.

-They have gone. Mum, Lauren, Oscar.

-What?

-They have left and it is your fault.

I'm so sorry. Look, I didn't...

I didn't mean... Look, I'll talk to him.

-Don't.

-Abi...

Leave him. You have done enough.

Come on.

You OK?

Sorry. Sorry.

Dexter told me about Tanya.

-How is everyone?

-Not at their best.

-Have you spoken to her?

-Abi has.

-And?

She's...all right.

I should have guessed something was up.

Too busy banging on about myself last time I spoke to her properly.

None of us are blameless.

Well, tell Abi I'm thinking of her.

Be a bit difficult.

Immediate family only over there at the moment.

Well, er...you could always...

What?

You could always pop over and see us.

-Could I?

-Yeah.

That's what people do, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's what people do.

PHONE RINGS

You going to answer that?

They'll give up. Private number anyway.

So, er, pop in if you want.

I'm fine.

Right.

But thanks for the offer.

I'll leave you to it, then.

-Rehab?

-It was pretty bad.

-Excuse me, Peter.

-Can we at least go and see her?

Peter? Hello!

-Have you got your dad's sage?

-Yeah, how much does he want?

-I don't know. I thought you knew.

Jean. I thought you're meant to be in here.

Yeah. On my way, Patrick.

Tracey just put through an order - six lunches.

What? No, no, no. The kitchen's not open yet.

-I haven't done any prep.

-Well, you'd better hurry up, all right?

-All right, Patrick! That'll do.

I don't know why I even bother. It's like I'm the only one in the family

-who cares about other people's feelings.

-Come on, do you really think that's true?

Have you met my dad?

My mum is gone because of him, everything he has done.

And then he has the nerve to talk about us coming together as a family. "Team Branning."

He didn't care about Team Branning until it all fell apart with Kirsty.

-Why should I have to make him feel better?

-All right, well, what else are you going to do, then?

-What?

-I mean, he's your dad.

-Oh, and like you're such great mates with yours?

-Erm, that's different.

-Er, no, it's not.

Fact - Max thought he was going to have a baby. Yeah? And it was all a lie.

Have you stopped to think about how he feels about all this?

DOOR CLOSES

Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

-Are you sure you're OK?

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

-PHONE RINGS

-Are you even going to get that?

-Oh.

Private number. They'll hang up.

RINGING STOPS See?

-Mum, are you sure you're all right?

-Yes. I'm fine.

What are you looking at, sorry?

Hey, Abi. Have you heard from your mum?

-Yeah.

-Everything all right?

Yeah, They're all fine. Good.

I'll, er... I'll leave you to it, then.

Like I said, cuz, parents are mental.

But at the end of the day, who else have we got?

Sorry for the delay. But whoever said the kitchen was open...

PHONE RINGS Oh! Well, they shouldn't have.

-Yes, Ian?

-'Jean, are you coming in to work or what?'

-No, I did say, I'm not working today.

-'Well, I don't remember. I thought you were bringing the sage.'

-I just had to pop into the Vic. I'll bring it over...

-'Well, I need it for the special.'

-Oh.

-'I don't care - hurry up.'

-I didn't realise that.

-'Shut up and bring the sage!'

-No, no, no, I'm on my way.

-Why d'you work for him?

-What?

-Beale. The only person he cares about is himself. Why don't you quit?

Some of us don't have a choice, Shirley. Oh, he's not that bad.

-He got a crush on you?

-No!

-Then you have a choice. He treats his staff like slaves.

-Oh, he's not so bad.

-Yeah, whatever.

Cora. Er, about this morning...

Yes?

I got a lot on my plate, all right?

I've got to look after Abi now and she's struggling, so...

I thought I'd do dinner, you know? Be plenty for everyone.

Going to have a go at being a father are you?

Half at the house, half at Kirsty's.

Part-time at best.

-I ain't going back to Kirsty's. All right? We're done. It's over.

-Another marriage shattered?

-I'm just trying to be civil.

-Could've fooled me.

-Don't know why I bother.

-No-one's holding a gun to your head.

-It's been lovely talking to you. Don't hurry home, will you?

-Max!

I noticed you ain't brought any of your stuff back to the house.

Hedging your bets on that one, are you?

Oh, you two off out, then?

-She's just going to talk to her dad.

-Maybe.

What about you?

I've got a couple of errands to run, you know, keep busy on my day off.

-So you'll be out for a while, then?

-Since when did I have a curfew?

Oh, no, you take as long as you like. Take as long as you like.

Just, er... How long do you think you might be? Just out of curiosity.

I'll be home for dinner, all right, Mother?

Good. Terrific. Off you trot, then.

Like I said - parents are mental.

Not just mine, not just yours. All of them.

Hey, I'm still looking for a dance partner, you know. You interested?

-Dancing?

-Yeah, man. Ballroom style.

Pathetic!

Man of your age, cavorting around like a teenager?

But I enjoy it.

Cora, are you all right?

I will be, when you put another G&T in there.

Come on, everything is going to be OK. Just give it time.

-I can't imagine that Max is feeling all that great at the moment, you know?

-Max?

How d'you think I'M feeling?

Do you imagine I'm feeling all that great?

When you're ready.

-Tanya's gone, as far as I can tell.

-Right.

Lauren too. Rehab.

-You all right, love?

-Fine.

-Your dad all right?

-Yeah.

She's, er...

She's in the right place.

What?

Lauren.

Don't worry about that, darling. It's on me.

Thanks.

And, er... if you need anything else...

I mean it. Anything at all.

It's just you and your dad now, innit?

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS Yes, Ian, I'm on my way!

I AM running!

SHE GRUNTS

Jean? You all right?

I can't do this any more.

You'll get there. Huh?

SHE SOBS

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ian?

Let's go and sort him out. Hmm?

Coffee.

-She said it was strong but you know me - I never trust that place.

-I dunno why I bother, Dexter.

-I don't understand.

-Whole family falling apart.

-Did you speak to Mum?

-Briefly.

Well, look, SHE'S still here. I mean, we're not going anywhere.

All I'm saying is, we all need a bit of support sometimes.

I mean, look, Mum cos she's got Sam hanging around her -

constant reminder, every day, that he walked out on her.

Me because I'm a bully.

I'm a cruel bully and I'm just taking it out on this sweet old lady at cribbage.

SHE CHUCKLES

-All right.

-And I'm enjoying it. that's the sick thing - I love it.

Come round.

-Maybe.

-Good enough.

(You're good, yeah? I'll leave you to it.)

Er, Ian. I just wondered...

-Is there anybody on table two yet?

-What?

-Bloke on his own?

-Um...

Er, no, don't think so. SAM CLEARS THROAT

Ian, I've been thinking - this is really quite...

-Ian, can I have a word about this rota?

-What about it?

Well, like I have said plenty of times before,

because the salon is open late on a Thursday, I cannot work then.

-I'm sorry, it's too late - I can't change it.

-Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to resign.

-What?

-What?!

-You can't. I've got a full restaurant tonight.

Look, Tanya's made me manageress of the salon. Which, you know, is a proper business

with a clear plan for career development.

So thank you, but I've worked my last shift.

-Where am I going to find a waitress now?

-That's something you'll have to sort out.

Woman's got her limits, right?

-Unbelievable.

-I know.

-You'll have to pick up her shifts.

-Oh, no, you see, Ian...

-No, Jean, you're going to have to, OK?

Where else am I going to find someone? Whitney can't do it.

-So if she can't, I'll have to close. And if I have to close, I'm going to go bankrupt.

-Unfortunately, Ian...

OK, I'll do it.

Oh Jean, thanks. Thanks so much.

-Happy to help.

-Is that all you got?

I... I really am sorry.

-Another bunch, please.

-What?

-Sage.

-What was wrong with the last one?

-He wants more.

-Jean? We've got a whole heap of people waiting.

Shut up, Patrick! Just shut up.

I will get there when I get there!

Why can't people just leave me alone? LEAVE ME ALONE!

-SHIRLEY:

-Jean!

-You still slaving for Ian Beale?

-He's making saltimbocca!

Look at you. Look at what he's doing to you.

He's not doing anything to me. I'm fine.

Yeah, Poppy was in earlier on celebrating too.

That restaurant - it ain't going to get much better, is it?

JEAN'S PHONE RINGS

MOBILE PLAYS NURSERY RHYME

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

I'm moving back home.

So I'll come back when you're at work, I'll, er...

-pick up the rest of my things.

-I'm sorry.

I don't care, do I? Cos it ain't going to make any difference.

What do you want me to say?

I dunno. There's nothing you can say. It's just talk. Not going to change anything.

We don't have to talk.

Please.

I need to be there for Abi. So I'll come back, get the rest of my things.

What about the nursery? The cot?

-I dunno. Just sell 'em.

-And that's it?

Listen, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. Cos I love you, Max.

I know you love me.

I'll see you around.

Just say you don't love me and I'll walk away and I...

I'll just leave it.

Just say it!

Say it!

I need to look after Abi.

I should have done more to help.

Instead of lying to her?

-Yes. It was stupid.

-Yeah?

-Why'd you do it then, Luce, eh?

-I don't know.

Great answer.

I don't know. I... I wanted to hurt her.

-What a pal(!)

-We're not like normal friends.

-Cos normal friends don't try and hurt each other all the time?

-Maybe.

I just...

I wanted it to be true a little bit.

I knew that was never going to happen because...

she loves you and she always has. And you love her, don't you?

-Joey?

-Yes.

Yeah.

She ain't coming back, is she?

I don't think so.

I mean, not for a while.

That's it then, innit? Eh? That was my chance -

my one chance - and I've stuffed it up and that's it, gone, eh?

-It's not gone.

-What am I going to do now, Lucy, eh?

What am I going to do?

It's OK.

It's OK.

What was I going to do?

Jean was beside herself.

I've only got ten minutes now.

Ten minutes, hmm?

THEY GIGGLE

-She was never pregnant?

-Never.

And Abi's pretending like everything's OK,

but you know when you can just...tell?

Well, sometimes it's the tribulations of life that define us as a human,

make us strive for something better.

You OK?

Yeah. Table two didn't show up.

-And you're happy that you've lost business?

-Tribulations.

Ah, here she is, my number-one employee.

There you go, sit yourself down.

No, Ian. Not until I've said what I've come here to say.

Sit yourself down, all right?

I have been a nightmare - I know I have - and I'm really, really sorry about it.

Cos you do a lot of work here and I never show you how much I appreciate it or anything.

So I would like you to have lunch on me.

There you go, have that. Little treat for you.

-What did you say?

-Little treat for you.

Little treat...

-ABI:

-Are you home, Dad?

Through here, Abs.

Look, before you say anything, I...

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about earlier.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

No. We're a family.

And I know that we're not all together at the moment but...

that's no excuse for me getting cross and walking off.

I mean, it's more of a reason why we shouldn't snap at each other.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

-What's the matter?

-THROUGH TEARS:

-Nothing, nothing.

-Nothing, Abs, I'm all right.

-Look at me. What is the matter?

What am I going to do?

She's gone, Abs, you know? What am I going to do?

I'll look after you, Dad.

Team Branning.

AVA GIGGLES INSIDE

Ava?

AVA, INSIDE: You're bad!

-SAM:

-Behave yourself! Hey, enough!

Enough! I got to go. I got to go!

-AVA SIGHS HAPPILY

-I'll be back.

-BILLY:

-Janine, I'm here.

I'm here!

Blimey, what do you want me to do? Text you a photo?

Meantime, my tea's on the table at home, getting cold.

Yes. I've been in and out about half a dozen times already.

Well, if you want me to stick a flag on my head

and turn the sound system up, I can do that.

Reticent?

Yes. Yes, I do know what "reticent" means, actually, Janine.

I can do "reticent", thank you very much.

So, are you actually coming back, Janine?

All right. OK.

Message received and understood.

Listen, Janine, just...

Look, I know it's not my place and call me old fashioned,

but all this messing him about...

Why don't you just call Michael and tell him where you are?

And where's the fun in that?

Michael doesn't do straight talking.

The truth brings him out in a rash.

Speak to you later.

TICKING

TIMER BUZZES

No pressure. Absolutely no pressure.

It's just a souffle.

It's not JUST a souffle, is it? I mean, it's on the specials board

and it's got a unique selling point - you know, "share a souffle".

You did make sure that your mixing bowl was absolutely spotless, didn't you?

Jean, just relax.

-Oh!

-Oh, for crying out loud!

You! You...

I... Oh, never mind.

Never mind?! That looked like it had risen!

Well, better luck next time.

I'm not made of money.

-Look, Jean, I know you're doing your best, OK?

-Yeah.

But next time maybe do an individual one.

You know, look... Size doesn't matter, does it?

I'm disappointed in you, Bill. This is my disappointed face.

I find your intransigence frustrating.

You either know where she is, Billy, or you don't know where she is.

All right, all right, keep your hair on, will you?

I'm just trying to be, you know...reticent.

-What was that?

-Reticent.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, course you are. Course you are.

I like you, Bill.

-You know I've always had a very soft spot for you.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

You know that, right?

I'm confused. I don't know what to make of it all.

I suppose that's all I'm saying.

You and me both neither!

I was halfway through my egg and chips.

-Hmm.

-It's women, though, right?

-Is it?

-Like to keep you on your toes.

Yeah.

They do. That's right.

Never mind. Out of sight, out of mind.

That's got to be the way forward, ain't it?

Out of sight, out of mind.

She knows where I am - Janine. She knows where I am.

If she's going to let me see my daughter again, she can just get in contact with me.

Thanks for that, Bill.

Luxley Hotel.

That's where Janine is. Luxley Hotel.

You know it, apparently.

-Do I?

-She says that you do.

Does she?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I do.

Very good room service, as I recall.

Look, she's checking out tonight. I don't know where she's going.

Somewhere foreign, presumably, this time of year.

Shouldn't be too hard to get a replacement passport.

Thanks, Bill.

-Hi!

-Hi.

-Gin and tonic, please, Tracey.

-OK.

-And whatever Cora's having.

-OK.

SHIRLEY: I know that look.

H-H-He managed to get it out of me.

He knows where you're staying.

What else is he going to do, eh?

He just jumped straight into a cab.

Reticent. When does Billy Mitchell use a word like "reticent"?

He's a weapons-grade moron.

That is so her word.

She has got replacement passports, through.

Isn't that all the more reason to go to the hotel? For Scarlett's sake?

Are you deaf or just thick?

I must be. Seeing as I'm sat here talking to you.

You've spent every single day since Janine took Scarlett trying to find out where they are.

Now you know and you're not going because...Janine wants you to?

Oh, brilliant. Lucky Scarlett.

No, it's not that. She's trying to set me up, Alice. She's trying to punish me.

For what? Because she thought I was her friend?

-That's a really dumb question.

-Don't talk to me like that.

-Let me walk you through it again.

She really resents me because I wasn't there for them when...

When Scarlett was born, you know, I kind of disappeared for a bit.

And deep down inside, she realises that Scarlett loves me so much more.

And in the final analysis,

she realises she's an awful mother.

Marriage is...

It's complicated.

Fine. Whatever. It's not even any of my business.

I was just Scarlett's childminder whenever you had something better to do.

And I loved her.

But what do I know?

I'm not as experienced or as toxic as you, am I, Michael?

In my world, in the real world, there's only one reason a woman wants a man to chase after her.

-I don't like playing games.

-Really?

Because it seems to me that you and Janine get off on them

just as much as each other.

And, you know, for Scarlett's sake, the least you can do is win.

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

It's harassment.

I think it's sexual harassment.

Blowing hot and cold. Keeping tabs on me all the time.

I mean, yesterday he was so horrible to me.

He's overwhelmed with...

..feelings. Ugh!

Isn't he?

I mean, no wonder my souffle's sloppy. I can't concentrate.

So...your horoscope said that the moon was in Uranus.

Does that mean, "Beware of Ian Beale in the kitchen"?

No! My horoscope said...

Here. "Be on the lookout for little treats. They could signal romance."

-And Ian Beale gave you a glass of wine?

-Yes. And called it a "little treat".

Give us them back. I don't want you misunderstanding my bourbons.

No, you're not winking at me, are you, Shirley?

-Ian Beale winked at you?

-Yes!

And praising me and flattering me and squeezing my hand.

-I've not had a wink in years.

-It was a twitch.

-It's a worry.

-DENISE:

-Shirley!

Hardly surprising, is it?

I know that Ian and I share mental health issues and a love of cooking,

but I swear, Shirley, I've never given Ian Beale one iota of encouragement.

Shirley Carter, if you're back there scoffing them biscuits, they are coming out of your wages.

Yes, your highness. Two minutes, your highness.

I mean, how difficult and demanding do you think it is living with her?

-Poor fella just needs a bit of comfort.

-Shirley!

You've got to slap him down, Jean.

I've got some shrapnel for you.

Yes. I'm sure you have.

But I think you'll find that a good name is rather to be chosen than great riches.

And loving favour, than silver or gold.

That is Proverbs. Chapter 22, verse one.

Sorry, Dot.

You know, lying always catches up with you.

But it'll pass. They'll find something else to talk about.

Do you know that Cora? She actually come into the launderette

specially to tell me, on account of my not knowing nothing about it.

I mean, why should I? Weren't none of my business. Nor hers.

So said to her, I said,

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

So you keep your head held up.

And don't you mope.

You've got to eat.

And if you want to give me back them little bootees,

you could always post them through my letterbox.

Cos there's a woman at my church, Maureen -

she does the flowers and her daughter's expecting.

A little grandson.

So...

This is nice, innit?

Pubs ain't the same since they stopped letting you smoke in 'em.

What, all that breathing clean air and drinking?

Still, you've done well, though, haven't you? Giving up smoking.

Thank you. You got a little gold star you can give me?

I think...

maybe some people just don't have that much in common.

Right.

My thoughts exactly.

It's...a personality kind of thing.

I'VE always found honesty is the best policy.

If you want to say something, just go ahead and say it.

Yeah, I will. It's not just about Tanya.

Your sister Rainie's the same.

Not one of you can pick a decent fella.

Like a well-oiled machine. You know what I like, Jean?

Just you and me together on our own doing the business.

-You know what I like about you?

-No.

Your enthusiasm. You're eager to please.

You don't have these nights off

and throw in the towel like the others.

You're like my right hand, only better.

Well, what did you tell him?

I just said what you told me to say.

Well, you obviously didn't say it right.

Janine, I'm just a normal bloke, all right? I don't understand what you're doing.

-I don't understand how I could say it in any other way.

-Fine.

Fine. You go back and you tell Michael he blew it, all right?

You tell him he will never have another chance

with Scarlett. His daughter. He will never see her again.

You tell him that.

MICHAEL: You can tell me yourself. DOOR CLOSES

This is the part in the film where you leave, Bill.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

I'll, erm, be on me way, then.

-Oh, Billy.

-Yeah?

You're fired.

I think you probably lost the right to tell me what to do

over 40 years ago.

Yes, every time.

But just cos you went out and got yourself an education, lady,

that don't mean you've got any common sense.

It's none of my business who you drop your knickers for.

But if I can find out, don't you think Dexter's going to get wind of it?

You and I might not have anything in common, Ava,

but me and my grandson, we're friends.

I think you've got a choice.

End it with Sam or tell Dexter the truth.

Then, what do I know?

I'm just the woman who gave birth to you.

Quite frankly, that's another compromising position

I could have done without.

I said to her, I said, "Lola, I am the official manager now."

You are the official manager.

So I said, "Lola, roots? Really?"

What kind of image are we presenting?

Like, er...hairdressers that can't do hair properly.

Exactly, and how many people want hairdressers that don't dye their own hair properly?

-Hi, a white wine spritzer with a dash of lime, please.

-And an orange juice.

What did Lola say?

She said all kinds of things in the stock room, cos I heard her.

-You've got to let that pass.

-I did. I did. I let that pass.

But, you know, time-keeping, now that is where I'm drawing the line.

She's not going to like that.

No, she did not like that. And, you know, I don't blame her.

These things, they can easily become a habit.

Like, if I don't put all my little bits out by my shoes the night before,

I ain't going to sleep, Alice, you know? Cos I think I'll forget 'em.

I think that's a good habit, but anyway, I'm not being mean, yeah?

But you cannot turn up 20 minutes after your client.

Right? I mean, how does that look?

Like a beauty salon that can't be bothered.

They don't mention that in the "how to teach yourself management" book, do they?

You know, I've had four mint teas and a banana for the pressure.

Oh, babe!

Fats got me a little lunchbox with "manager" on it!

Seriously though, I'm not sure I'm cut out.

You ARE cut out.

I said to him,

"Shaking this tin is a relief after being in charge."

Even if it does mean he's got to do all the bits on the list -

-you know, pick up the washing and that.

-What did Fat Boy say?

He said he had created a monster and he wanted his lunchbox back.

-There you go.

-Thanks. As a joke. He said it as a joke.

But if I'm being honest, I didn't find it all that funny.

Kirst? Come on.

Come out for dinner. Somewhere nice.

You've still got to eat, even if it's just for one now.

Come on.

You know you want to.

I'd rather starve.

You know I mean it.

Say goodbye, Michael.

Again? You look well by the way.

YOU can do one.

Not the Caribbean, no? If you want me to continue to chase you,

you'll have to bear in mind my limited budget. I'm rather impecunious.

I'm presuming the passports have come through.

I didn't ever want you to chase me. I never want to see you again.

That's patently rubbish cos you set Billy up to tell me where you were.

And we share a daughter. Had you overseen that?

We're inextricably linked, Janine, unfortunately.

But, in retrospect,

I would do it all again. I would.

I would. Because you're worth it.

Has her back tooth come through yet?

I don't...

Yes. Yes. I think... I think so.

Will you just say goodbye? We've got to check in.

No. I won't.

Cos it's not very kind. And it's certainly not good for her.

It's a constant upheaval, isn't it? It's just not very kind.

But then YOU'RE not very kind, are you?

Think about when you were small. Think about Frank.

You whinged about it enough.

Doesn't she, darling?

When you coming back to the Square?

I wasn't expecting you, OK? You've got to remember this is a legitimate business -

I can't just lay my hands on fistfuls of cash whenever you turn up.

I suppose a menu'll have to do, then.

For now.

Uh-oh.

Good mood's over, I'm telling you.

She's very demanding, apparently.

Who? Denise is?

Is she? Cos that's what I heard.

I don't know how Ian can sit down and have dinner with her every evening.

It's understandable that he would be looking for...

comfort wherever he can...

You quit, so either order something or leave.

Souffle. OK? We've got one on order. One of the first individual souffles.

Jean, no pressure, but all eyes are going to be on you. Don't mess up.

I put her name down for the Baptist church on the high street.

My daughter is not going to a church nursery.

I knew you'd say that.

So I looked into this prep school outside of Walford.

It's a posh one. You'll like it. It's expensive, long waiting list.

Not my money to spend, though.

And that's what this is all about, isn't it, in essence? Money.

-I never wanted it, did I? Never took it.

-Oh, yes.

Yes. I get the message.

Do you, though? I'm not sure you do.

Let's see if you do.

450 THOUSAND pounds. That's a lot of money.

Have you ever considered what it would've been like if I'd said yes that night that you left me

on my own, holding the baby?

And it's me that whinges?

Possibilities would've been endless. I could've got myself a decent lawyer

instead of that chocolate fireguard Norman Pike.

Could've given yours a good run for her money, couldn't I?

You would've liked that. Another fight.

Can you tell me what possible reason I would have to come back to the Square?

Me.

He doesn't look like a souffle sort of person. Who is he?

You're still here?

Why is she still here? It's the staff-only area.

I'm collecting money for charity, actually, thank you very much.

And Mrs Branning's already done the pub so...

What does a souffle person actually look like?

-Hmm, not like him.

-THEY CHUCKLE

Jean, will you please open the doors?

I am waiting for the beep.

-TIMER RINGS

-Ah, right! There we go.

This is it, then. Oh!

What if it's another failure, like...? No, no, no! It won't be. I just...

Erm...yeah...

I can't actually bring myself to open the oven door.

Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?

Well, no. Not if you were a good manager.

I mean, no offence, but good management is in the art of delegation.

A waitress who can't waitress. A chef that can't open a door,

and a souffle that's going to be burnt and...

SHE GASPS

I'll get the plate.

Jean, it is perfect!

Jean, you did it!

-You know what? I could kiss you.

-No, please don't.

-I could actually kiss you.

-NO, Ian!

No means no!

Can you just take her in there, please?

-My life's been better without you, actually.

-Leave. You need to get out.

It has been infinitely richer.

Do you know what? You really are an arrogant, pathetic man.

Do you really rate yourself that highly?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

You think you can bypass being decent just cos you're loaded.

That's your problem.

The last little fragment of your heart has rotted away.

Look at you. Can you see how grotesque you are?

-Do you know where you're headed?

-Yeah. The Caribbean and it's not that far.

I gather it's warm this time of year. You have a nice time.

You haven't even said goodbye to your precious daughter.

And also, technically, we're still married, aren't we?

Which means I have rights to certain assets along the line.

-Do you think?

-Oh, please!

Oh, dear, if only we hadn't ripped up that prenup.

And do you really think that your pathetic, sweaty little lawyer

Norman's blood pressure is up to it?

I don't want you back on the Square. Where's the incentive for me?

With your patronising, condescending tone?

Treating me like a lackey while my daughter watches on?

No, no, no. This'll all pass.

I'll wait. I'll bide my time. Cos I'm patient.

Cos I'm still married to you. I'm still your husband. And she'll always be my daughter.

So that means half, Janine.

That means half of all you own will be mine.

In your dreams.

No, no. I think you'll find you're very, very mistaken.

Even the poor people get to go to Citizens Advice.

No, I think you'll find it'll be you looking out the window,

hoping, praying, to see if I show up with her.

Maybe I will.

Maybe I won't.

But for now, for today, I'm done here.

Cos I can't wait for you to grow up any more, cos you're an emotional dwarf.

And you couldn't put that child before you even if you tried.

So we can do the legal thing - just go through the lawyers

and all that horrible toxic stuff. That's fine.

But I'm not here to say goodbye to her.

I'm here to say goodbye to you.

Bye, then.

And stay away from the Square.

Can you come in here?

Get those suitcases in the car.

We're leaving.

-IAN:

-Jean!

< Get yourself out of that toilet!

-BIANCA:

-Right, she says if you put the knife down, she'll come out.

LOUD CLATTER

There you go. Enjoy your meal.

-DENISE:

-Ian! What did we say?

What did we say?

Compassion in the workplace - THAT is what we said.

Now, whatever Jean may or may not have done...

-it's not that bad.

-It's MY kitchen.

-You tried to kiss me.

-What?

-I'm in charge.

Yes, well, that doesn't actually mean you can kiss her, Ian.

You know, management-wise.

I'm just collecting for the church...

He tried to kiss me. I've got witnesses.

And I'm entitled to reject romance, whatever it says in my horoscope.

OK, I'm sure there must have been just a bit of a misunderstanding.

No, no, there wasn't. He wanted to kiss her.

-Who pulled your chain?

-Get stuffed.

-Ian?

It was for the souffle, OK?

Her first ever souffle that didn't turn out

looking like something a dog's thrown up. OK?

I was being encouraging, like you said. Like we practised.

Yes, well, we did say we were going to work on his people skills.

Oh, is that what you call it?

Well, I will not be some "bit of comfort", Ian Beale.

-I mean, it's not my fault you can't meet her demands.

-What?!

I will not be a part of some sordid love triangle,

just because YOU are inadequate.

Oh, get a grip, you dozy, middle-aged fruit-loop!

I mean, why would I fancy you? Comedy value?

The only reason you are here is out of sympathy, OK?

Because I would rather take a vow and join a monastery

than make a pass at you!

I think you might need to work on the old compassion angle

just a little bit.

Denise, I'm...

-Hold the fort, will you?

-Hold your own fort, you perv.

I'm your boss. Either hold the fort or you're fired.

-You can't do that. I can't even cook.

-You have been nothing but an interfering little troublemaker, OK?

You're fired. Get your stuff. Get out!

You're still a perv!

Sorry.

There you are.

Oh! That is, erm... That's very generous of you, sir.

Git!

Not at all, darling.

I've come into a bit of regular cash.

Well, it's nice to know some people have a conscience.

It weren't bad, that.

Bit empty, though, ain't it?

A business ain't worth nothing if you ain't doing business.

So you think telling Janine never to come back

will be the thing that gets her running back to the Square?

Yeah, admittedly when you vocalise it, it sounds rubbish.

-Yeah, it sounds mental as, mate.

-Well, they're all mental, ain't they?

Bet you 50 quid I can do it.

Look, you want to dig out Amy's travel cot, be my guest.

And if Janine does come back tonight I'll double your money.

-Will you, now?

-Yeah.

-Very good.

-Excuse me.

-Why, what have you done?

That is just rude.

Don't torture yourself, mate.

-See you later.

-See you later.

You see, I told him when he started this restaurant malarkey

that mental health issues just don't go away,

and that undue stress can make the thing a whole lot worse.

Well, Ian Beale's always been a prat.

That was the one thing me and Phil agreed on.

Anyway, he can't sack you

just because he's been caught with his pants down.

-Oh, Bee...

-Oh, no. His pants were well and truly on his bottom,

I can assure you.

-I'm not bothered.

-Has he paid you what he owes you?

I don't want to work for some old perv

who thinks kissing you's a reward, anyway.

Ian Beale's not that old. Anyway, Yeah, sorry. Course you don't.

No. Don't worry, I'll get your money back.

It's all right. It's not me you want to feel sorry for, anyway.

I'm going to have a bath.

I suppose it's not entirely Ian's fault...

I mean, he can't help what's written in the stars, can he?

It was written in the stars.

It was written in the Walford Gazette, yesterday's horoscope.

-Don't read all that rubbish.

-Exactly. That computerised jargon.

The last time I read it, it said, "Travel is imminent",

and I ended up nicked and in Suffolk the next afternoon!

You see, you can't avoid the inevitable, can you?

All those stars moving around and aligning.

You should come up on the roof and look through my telescope.

-There's bound to be an impact.

-That's not so.

"Be on the lookout for little treats.

"They could signal romance".

And Ian gave me a glass of wine.

And that was a little treat.

He called it a little treat.

No, no, I could show you. I kept the newspaper...

Oh, no, I've left my handbag in the restaurant.

-Go and get it, then.

-I can't go and get it.

I haven't told you what it says in today's horoscope, have I?

Oh!

I hate these things, they're designed by a sadist.

Look, even if Janine does come back, it ain't going to get Scarlett staying here.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast, Jack.

Well, do you see my kids running round this flat, do you?

No. No, I get it. I do. Just can't do it.

Not a stayer, mate, am I? A weekend dad.

-I'd settle for that, you see.

-Hm?

-Yeah.

See, I went for the whole family trip once.

James would be walking now, wouldn't he? Talking just like Tommy.

Yeah...

That's the thing, you see. They're messy, kids, aren't they?

They're noisy. Dependent. Mithering.

Invariably, they become attached with a horrible mother.

You did the right thing, you know? Be there at the kick-off,

get the good bit...

Keep your head down for the next 18 years.

-JEAN:

-I don't think we should be doing this.

I've wrecked my ankle.

Where's Ian?

He's probably gone to play hunt the waitress.

I thought he'd be here, didn't you?

-Jean, find some candles.

-I don't think we should be doing this.

Jean, I ain't going to go down the till. I just need a little sit down.

Don't put the light on! JEAN GASPS

You'll have half of Walford over here wanting their dinner.

No, no, no, Shirley.

Have you not been listening to a single word that I have said?

"Play with fire and you will get burnt".

That is what will happen, according to my today's horoscope.

Put a sock in it, Jean, or I will do it for you.

And that is what is going to happen, according to yours truly.

You know what, Jean? Years ago, they'd have burnt you as a witch.

Superstitious rubbish.

Jean, how are you going to find your handbag in this light?

You know what, Shirley Carter?

When I first met you, I thought you were a lesbian.

And not a very nice lesbian.

-Got any paracetamol?

-Yes, in my handbag... Oh...

How about...a lickle bit of this?

It's not working.

Why?

For me...it's...

Sorry.

So you stand me up. Subtle.

Dinner... In public? It's too fast.

I wasn't planning on pinning you down over the pasta.

You know, what public?

Who's looking?

Sam, just... Please stop.

Ain't like I don't know about cold feet, huh?

It's just...

OK. Change your mind...

..you know where I am.

I miss you.

You're in my way.

Yeah, I know.

TV BLARES

That's not boxing, is it?

That's brawling, that's what that is!

What do you reckon?

DOOR SLAMS

BOXING COMMENTARY

And now we can see.

Jean, look under the sink...

You know what, I used to have a neighbour, right,

and she always kept her handbag under the sink.

And then we just thought she was a mate of Pat's,

but Pat just told us she was just some old brass.

No, that's where I draw the line.

-What, handbags?

-No, brassering.

-What?

BIANCA SNIGGERS Brassing. You know what I mean! People that do it for money.

-Well, unless it's a LOT of money.

-I've left it at home.

I must have left it at home all along.

Oh well, never mind. Off we go, then.

Oh, Jean, why are you so loyal?

I mean, there's Kat, God love her, and then Alfie,

he's not related... And now Ian?

We're not doing any harm, Jean.

Well, we are stealing.

-How many hours did you work for Ian Beale last week?

-Erm...

And how many did he pay you for?

-Er...

-Do you know what,

Ian used to pay for IT back in the day, didn't he?

-No, he didn't!

-Yeah!

-He did. What about Janine? SHE was a brass.

-Oh, yeah.

She's had you laying clues round the house

like the Easter bunny, ain't she? Eh?

Am I hot or cold?

No? No cryptic crossword?

Billy, come on, save us all a world of pain.

I'll say you've been reticent, tell me when they're coming back.

Back? Michael, Janine ain't coming back.

You're lying. She told you to say that.

Oh, for... Why can't you two just be straight with each other for once?

She told me I'd been fired.

Now, I don't know if you know this, Michael,

but I've got a little one at home, right, relying on my money.

So by rights, I should be suing you...for...wotsit.

Unfair wotsit.

That's very moving, Billy. Back in the room, please.

HE SIGHS

Michael...

Do you want her here?

Is that why you're asking?

Because believe me, mate, you'd be saving all of us

a lot of hassle if you just tried out telling the truth.

Truth?! The woman doesn't do truth, Billy.

It brings her out in hives.

And don't ask such stupid questions.

Of course I want her back on the Square!

She's the mother of my child.

NOW he says.

-She ain't in.

-What do you mean, she ain't in?

-Where else is she going to be?

-Listen, plank-man.

If my sister says she ain't in, she ain't in - you get me?

-I get you.

-Right.

One bottle of wine? It's not going to go far, is it?

I'll make sure Denise gets it.

Oh, the door's the one with the handle on it.

Can you tell her I'm sorry?

Sorry, what was that?

Sorry for being an idiot or sorry for getting caught out?

She said, "Sorry for being an idiot or sorry for being caught out?"

Fine. You want to talk to each other, talk to each other -

see if that works out.

Oh, no, no, no, no! "Play with fire and you will get burnt",

it said it, Shirley, it clearly said it, please!

How are you going to find your handbag in the dark?

I know one place you haven't looked for your bag.

On the staff rack peg thing.

Oh!

-SHE SQUEALS

-Throw water on her!

That is not nice.

Oh, go take a pill!

You know, I've had my fill of bad boys, Ian,

that's why I ch...

I am so done with being shown up in public.

If I want to look an idiot, OK,

I can do that all by myself.

I was just trying to be a friendly manager like we said.

Don't you blame me. No, don't you dare... Did I say wink?

Since when did I say that kissing Jean was a managerial option?

I didn't kiss Jean, OK?

She was the one who slapped me. I didn't kiss her!

Ian, please! Enough with the weasel impersonation!

OK...

Let's... Let's just look at taking a break for a while. You and me.

-Ian?

-See, that's something I don't understand about Ian Beale.

I mean, how did he manage it? Flabby, cowardly Beale.

What is it, six wives?

Five, Four. Five.

Someone told me one of them was gorgeous.

Yes, well, if you have lesbian tendencies.

That was... Mel. That's right. She was. You know what, though?

He told her that Lucy had cancer to get her to marry him.

See, that's proper not nice.

Jean, more wine.

No. Oh, I don't think we have any more left, so... Oh, well!

Never mind. Off we go, then.

No. There's plenty of wine.

But this... But this is more expensive.

Shirley!

I just wanted the restaurant to be a success.

I needed it to be a success for me, you know.

My dad was always just, "Do your hours and put your feet up".

I mean, we didn't have the word "ambition" in our house.

The rows me and him used to have...

"Cooking dinner's a girl's job".

Used to go round my gran's house - my house - and just...

pour my heart out to her.

See, I always wanted to be a chef.

I always wanted to be a success...

That's what that bottle of brandy's for. That nice one.

That's when I made my first million turnover...

I was going to open it up.

I mean, because I've always been ambitious

and I've always liked money and I deserve to be a success.

And I was. Then I wasn't. Then I was...

Then I REALLY wasn't, was I?

And then there was you...

It's all right, I'm not blind... I don't work out or anything.

-Really(?)

-Really.

Denise, I've known this was going to happen for ages...

I mean, Alfie's always been saying to me

that I was punching above my weight

-and you were out of my league.

-Oh...

Well, talks a lot of sense, that Alfie.

But you were the start.

You were the one who really got me back on my feet.

I mean, because I just thought that if...

Well, then anything was possible, wasn't it? Not just the bad stuff.

I'll apologise to Jean, even though she overreacted.

Thank you.

Ian...

That's it.

Break's over.

Just...

..stop being such an unpleasant little pranny, will you?

I promise... I'll try.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I've changed my mind.

-What?

-Shh! Or I'll change it back again.

Yes, miss.

Urgh! I said, if you want to open that bottle,

you have to go through me first.

THEY LAUGH

It is not funny. I'm being serious!

Look, enough is enough, yeah?

That's Ian's very special brandy.

"Ian's very special brandy!"

It's not Ian that's got the crush, is it, eh, Jean?

I think it's the other way round.

Shirley Carter! You are a being a...drunken bully!

Now... Please, stop being a bully!

All right, ladies, come on. Enough's enough. Let's call it a night, eh?

-I don't even know how I ended up here in the first place...

-ME!

Me.

It's not Ian Beale that lives in one room in a bed and breakfast,

is it, eh, Jean?

It's not Ian Beale that gets up every morning to a different

wonky breakfast table in a room full of strangers, is it, eh, Jean?

I don't think that's got anything to do with this...

It's not Ian Beale that falls asleep listening

from the room next door, God knows who, doing God knows what.

-Is it, eh, Jean?

-Well, it's hardly Ian's fault, is it?

Yes.

Yes, it is...

..because he knew.

He knew...and he stood back.

And he watched his brother go off the rails.

And he knew and he did nothing about it!

-Ben?

-Who told you that?

All makes sense now. All makes sense.

He knew and he watched Ben walk about guilty, and he did nothing.

And he made me look like a mug, Jean.

You actually KNOW this?

Then when it all comes out, poor little Ian Beale has a breakdown...

Why do you think he had the breakdown, eh, Jean?

And he walks about with a little woolly hat on for half an hour,

and then forgets about it!

And do you know what?

He lands on his feet... Again!

And it's me - it's me stuck in one room in a B&B, potless.

And what about Hev? She deserved a better life than that.

Hev should be here, Jean.

He don't deserve any of this.

You know what... I think...

..you should open that rotten brandy!

I am going to open that rotten brandy!

You know what, Jean? You might have left it at home,

I done that once with Morgan.

-Oh! Is this it?

-Yes! My bag!

THEY CHEER

Always put your handbag in the bin!

I only put rubbish in my bin.

-Do you?

-LOUD CRASH

Well, it was always going to be a long shot,

this bluff and double bluff stuff.

What is it with you and that cleaning at 11.10 at night?

It's weirding me out.

Well, Janine's got cash coming out her ears, ain't she?

You say insomnia, I say it's a weird troubled mind.

Sinister, rubber glove, fetish-type deal.

Of all the places in the world,

why's Janine going to come back here, eh?

Because she can't help herself.

Can you bring her in?

RECORDING: 'Don't ask such stupid questions.

'Of course I want her back on the Square. 'She's the mother of my child.'

-Told you.

-You're forgiven.

So, I haven't lost my job?

Listen carefully, Billy.

You had lost your job, and now you haven't lost your job.

Thank you.

Later.

ALL SCREAM

Oh, get a grip, will you, Jean?

COUGHING

Oh, Shirl, I thought you said not to turn the light on...

I can't get caught in here!

-Leave your keys.

-I don't know where I've left the keys.

And anyway, we can't leave it like this.

Then you stay and clean up and explain,

but don't call us as witnesses!

It's not that bad.

There's not that much damage, is there?

THEY SCREAM

THEY LAUGH

JEAN WAILS

FIRE ALARM TRILLS

Tea?

Yeah, I heard you creeping in. Two in the morning.

You're looking perky, considering.

Sorry. I did try not to wake you up.

So what DID you get up to last night then?

Oh, you know. Few drinks in the Vic.

Got talking to the girls. Before you know it, it's one for the road in the R&R!

Sure it was just the one?

Well, a couple. What are you, my father?

No, I'm just making sure you ain't embarrassing us in front of our neighbours.

Mum? You know I'm only joking, innit?

-Of course.

-So what if you got a bit lairy last night?

Everyone deserves a bit of fun.

What's going on with that tea then? Can I still get it?

Yeah. Coming up.

Look, I know you're upset with me but I need to speak to you.

Can you phone me? Phil! Have you seen Jean?

What am I, her keeper?

Shirl! Have you seen Jean?

You need to calm down.

No. How can I be calm when she is roaming the streets saying God knows what?!

What do you mean, roaming the streets?

Well, no-one's seen her. She ain't picking up her phone.

She's probably just lying low.

No, she is landing us in it, I know it!

Shirl, I can't go back to prison.

Look, I tell you what, I'll go and have a scout about.

You keep calling her mobile.

And when you've finished you come and find me, yeah?

Bianca, it's going to be OK.

Jean Slater's many things but she's not stupid.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

RINGING STOPS