14/04/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

Your stag do today, ain't it?

Next time I see you,

you'll be chained to a lamppost with some dodgy sort!

Just a thought.

Line that stomach.

If he misses his wedding...

We're just going for a quiet drink.

I mean, come with me if you don't believe me.

Oh, no, no, we're just going to get a DVD out or something.

What are you up to?

Jay, you know, tonight's going to be sick.

-Good job I'm so well connected.

-Bruv, are you forgetting Jack's family?

-You're only on the list cos I got you on there.

-I just know I'm going to get licked today, bro.

He's marrying the love of his life in 24 hours so he'll be out of control.

Will you two shut up and get on with your work?

Know what, I think we're done here.

No. You ain't done till I say you're done! Now get on with your work.

We'll just finish it off tomorrow.

Whoa, whoa, Phil, Phil it's cool.

We ain't going to move from this spot until everywhere's clean.

And this car's finished? Yeah?

Babe, you ain't seen my money clip, have you?

Don't you even want to know how far gone I am?

-Let's just hold our horses, shall we?

-I beg your pardon?

You haven't even been to the doctor yet, have you?

Are you sure?

We all set?

Yes. Oscar's at Dot's. I've got all the booze.

-Now all we need is the hen!

-Joey's here.

He said he wanted a quiet one. So you're going to be disappointed.

Behave, will you, Lauren.

Anyway, you're only jealous cos you're not having a hen do.

They're to be cherished - stag dos. A rare moment of freedom.

A time to get mullered.

You do know that Dad's organising this, yeah?

Yeah, course I do.

And right now he'll just be putting in the finishing touches

to his big plan, won't he, eh?

-Am I sure?

-Well, sometimes those things get it wrong, don't they?

You barely looked at me last night and when you finally do speak, it's "are you sure?"

I'm sorry. All right? Bad question.

-I'm just in a rush, ain't I?

-It's OK for you.

You can just go out and get drunk, can't you? While I just sit here.

Probably best in your condition, ain't it?

Max!? There you are! Come on, we're all outside.

-Have you spoke to Jack?

-Nah, nah, been trying to call him.

-Can't get hold of him.

-We can start without you.

-Nah, nah, it's all right. I'm coming now.

-Max. Please. Just an hour?

I'll see you out there.

Babe, this is going to take more than an hour.

-Can we just do it tomorrow?

-You'll be hungover tomorrow.

All right, we'll do it the day after. I promise.

There you are. I've been calling. Thought you'd already started.

I dropped Denny off at Dot's, and she gave us this look.

Sorry, what?

You all right?

Yeah.

So, where were you this afternoon?

Just, you know, with Max. Planning stuff.

Sounds ominous.

I've never believed in that last night of freedom stuff.

So there won't be any strippers. I promise.

DOOR BUZZER BLARES

That'll be Max.

Well, this is it. Next time I see you

it'll be at the altar.

Can't wait.

All right, bruv? All set?

-Yes, and keep it low key tonight, will ya?

-Yeah. 'Course.

So we get him as he comes out. Get into teams.

Now, Ian, you get over there with him. Fatboy, Michael,

-you're with me.

-Nice one.

I loathe stag dos.

-Joey.

-Tyler.

Hey, hey, hey. Easy boys, all right?

We're all on the same team today, yeah?

What fun(!)

Did you and Jack have a nice afternoon, Max?

Uh, yeah, yeah. It was a laugh. Come on,

the stags are getting restless.

See you later.

CHEERING

The lamb to the slaughter!

Get him, get him!

Get out of it! Oi, settle down.

What's the matter with ya?

-Right. Terms and conditions...

-Oh, here we go, here we go.

I'm a 40-year-old-man, all right? I ain't 16.

So I don't want any funny business. No dodgy birds.

-This all for Sharon's benefit, eh?

-I just want a few drinks with my mates,

and go home to my fiancee with a clear conscience.

Shut up.

What is the matter with you?

The stags are off. I hope they don't do anything mean to him.

Nah. They're a bunch of old pussy cats. Come on, Bianca!

I'm just looking for my earrings... Mum, you seen my earrings?

-My gold hooped ones.

-Yeah, look, they're by the telly.

-You not coming to the hen night?

-No, maybe later. If I feel a bit better.

Come on! Ray's got the kids. When do we ever get a night off?

-I just want a bath and bed.

-Leave her alone. Come on, or we'll miss the surprise.

Just wanted me mother to come out. See you later.

All right, darling.

Feel better, Auntie Carol.

Come on, Alfie, where's the welcoming committee!?

So this it then, is it? All your best mates?

Don't start, Phil.

Girls! What you doing, you're in the wrong area! Come on. Everyone round here. Let's go!

-Over here. That's it.

-You going to be joining us, Phil?

Help send the old boy off into marital bliss.

He ain't there yet.

Can I say from the bottom of my heart what an honour it is

that you have chosen my humble drinking establishment for your stag do. I thank you.

Where else we going to go?

I can think of a few places.

Alfie, two hundred pounds. Boys, two hundred pounds behind the bar.

What was Sharon asking about this afternoon? What you been up to?

I was with you.

Sorry we're late, fellas.

Nah, nah, sorry, boys. Sorry don't cut it, I'm afraid.

Come on, forfeit. Forfeit.

Forfeit! Forfeit! Forfeit!

-Quick! Hurry up!

-Sharon here yet?

No, she'll be here any minute. Quick, get in the front room. Hide, keep your mouths shut.

-Bagsy hide behind the sofa.

-Why do you get the sofa!?

It's the only thing big enough, babe...

Know when you've been beaten.

What are they going to be like after they've had a skinfull?

-Hello.

-You don't think Sharon suspects anything, does she?

-Not if you've kept your mouths shut.

-All right, Tan.

-Quick, in you go!

I felt so bad lying to Joey earlier.

Oh, that lot can't keep a secret. It was the only way.

Yeah, what they don't know, won't hurt 'em!

Come on, let's have a drink.

BUZZER BLARES

Sorry, Tan! Just coming!

What you doing here?

It's your last night of freedom, ain't it?

Coming through, excuse me! Excuse me, Jack.

Boys...

Bit early, ain't it?

-There are ten shot glasses there.

-Well done, Michael.

I bet Jack lets you use that till down the gym and everything, eh?

He's a funny man.

-Don't tell him that.

-I specifically said I didn't want one.

-I know. I ignored you.

-I hate stag dos.

-Jack! Over here.

-No, I'm sitting this one out.

-Come on, Jack, if we've got to.

-Yeah, you think I fancy it?

-You're a condemned man now! Get over here and act like one.

What's that supposed to mean?

Jack, calm down. He's only mucking about.

Hello, boys! Your barmaid has arrived! Woo!

To Jack!

I'm meant to be at Tanya's.

So if it's not important...

So how comes I don't I get to say goodbye...

like everyone else?

I'm not having a hen do.

Tanya's the only one sending me off.

What did you have in mind?

Jack. On the house.

Have you read it?

I'm at my stag do.

Oi, Jack! You're up again!

You know what, you are getting on my nerves.

Jack, I do understand...

I burned the letter, all right? Just leave it.

-No, you didn't. I don't believe you.

-Fine. Suit yourself.

Don't you want to know what she had to say?

KNOCKING ON DOOR

TANYA GASPS

Action stations! Quick! Shh! Hide.

Kim! You're all up in my face right now.

If you don't like it, there's always the coffee table.

It's all right, everyone. It's only Denise.

Who are you talking to? I can't see anyone in here.

Told you it was a stupid idea to hide.

Why can't we just shout "surprise" when she walks in?

If she walks in. She's probably stood us up.

-I'll try her again. Where's me phone?

-Bet the boys aren't doing anything this silly.

If Ian has his way they'll all be watching The Apprentice with a lovely cup of tea.

You and Ian. Really?

She has got a point, though! You and Ian Beale?

She's not answering.

-Maybe she's having second thoughts.

-She's got form.

Haven't we all!?

I'm going to go see where she is.

Ian?!

What?

At our age, Sharon. There ain't going to be no more opportunities.

No more second, third, fourth chances. This is it.

Why are we back here?

You've forgotten that kiss?

It's time you found yourself a nice, single woman.

Like Tanya?

I've got to go.

See! You hate the thought of me being with another woman.

Not true. I'm just late...

It is, Sharon...

Just like the good old days, eh?

Hello?

Hey.

There you are. I thought we had a date?

Yeah, Phil was just saying goodbye.

Yeah. Bye, then.

See you.

Is everything OK?

Yeah. Yeah, fine.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Why do you keep cancelling your missus?

Why do you keep lying to yours?

Michael, how are you so bad at this game?

Right, boys, think it was time we was moving on now, yeah?

-Somewhere a little bit more...

-Entertaining.

Wait, wait, wait, boys are you saying what I think you're saying?

Who is going put that to the board?

-How is that any of your business?

-Well, you're the one who drew me into it. Asking me to back you up.

-What, and I can't ask my brother that without getting any grief?

-It works both ways, don't it!

Oh, does it? I'll remember that.

Right, senior Stag... Where we off to next?

There is no next. I told you, we're having a few drinks,

then we're going home to bed.

-I thought that was just, you know...

-Just talk.

-Exactly.

Right. I'm just going to say it - are we going to a strip club or not?

-How tawdry.

-No. All right? There is no strip club.

-What!?

-Jack...

-Come, Jack, man!

-Oh, come on Jack!

-Play fair, man.

Leave him alone, boys. He's obviously not up for it.

We're in London. We're young. Ish.

And we've been given the green light from the missus-es.

You know, I don't fancy it. OK.

He's made his feelings perfectly clear.

What you talking about? You're supposed to be our buxom barmaid.

Come on, Jack, this is nothing, you ain't even got anything to feel guilty about yet!

Why don't you just shut up?!

What, cos you've seen the Hangover twice you're some sort of expert, are you?

Go on then! What's the big plan?

You going to pour money into a strip club, are you? Make yourself feel big? What next?

-Poker?

-All right, easy, Jack...

What you going to do when you lose all your money and everyone's laughing at you?

Punch your way out of it, cos you're a lad?!

Some of us are trying to have a bit of a laugh.

You have your way and what? I wake up in some dodgy hotel in Leyton, covered in puke,

-two grand lighter in me wallet, with some dodgy bird next to me.

-Jack, Jack stop it.

-Come on, let's...

-No, no, never mind I'll have ruined my wedding.

But least you lot'd have some nice tale to tell, won't you...

about your complete lack of originality.

-That's a little bit harsh.

-He was just having a laugh.

Well, it ain't funny, is it, Ian? I don't find it funny.

And I don't think your wives will. Or your girlfriends.

Just a goodbye, was it?

Nothing happened, Tan.

Denise won't come out the loo.

-She's probably in there hiding.

-Why won't she just say?

Come on, Kim, she must have said something to you.

So what if she's going out with Ian.

We should just let her get on with it. It's none of our business.

Kim, come on, what did she say?

Hello?

Oh! Surprise!

I know you didn't want a lot of fuss but, um... surprise.

Tanya, thank you so much.

You're sweethearts all of you!

There you go.

KNOCK ON DOOR

What do you want?

I was just wondering if you fancied a bit of dinner?

Lola's out, thought we could go for a curry.

I've got some paperwork to do.

-What with tomorrow and everything.

-Tomorrow?

Look, I just thought maybe some company might help.

Billy, the day I need your company,

is the day I drive to the coast and walk straight into the sea.

And that's a better option than a curry, is it?

If you change your mind...

Oi, come back in, man. It's his stag do.

And he's full of it, ain't he?

So? Just brush that off.

The thing is, yeah, right, it is a fact - it is a FACT - that if he had

the chance tonight, yeah, tonight of all nights to get lucky,

no one would ever find out, nothing would ever happen,

he would take that chance. Course he'd take the chance.

-Any man would take the chance.

-That include you!?

Lucky Lauren(!)

It's just not your day today, is it?

No. Tell you what - today ain't Jack's day.

All right. I'm going to have to teach him a lesson. You can help me.

You what? I'm not getting involved in all that.

What you talking about - course you're getting involved!

It's his stag do! It's our duty to do him over!

That's the whole point of the whole thing, innit!

All right. What you got in mind?

Hi!

Did I miss the surprise?

We all did, love.

What's he doing here!?

Denise, no!

You asked! And I'm telling you - girls - the nookie is...

I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it...

Life is never going to be the same again.

I actually don't appreciate your reaction.

And I'll have you know that Admiral Beale is a sensitive...

Now you see, it was Captain Beale with Jane!

I just promoted him. Hey! You can talk!

I heard about you and Phil Mitchell?!

That was just a date, Tan. Weren't it?

Yeah.

Just tell me who it is!

-It's my probation officer.

-What's he doing going round your house?

Don't know, probably going to talk to me mum about Liam? But it's not good.

I hope white wine's OK.

Thanks. Happy kids.

They love their mum.

With good reason.

And this is Billie.

Yeah.

For a long time I couldn't have any pictures up of Emily.

Gets easier, huh?

With the right help.

So the stripper will go in.

I duck behind her, lock the door.

-Yeah. Then what?

-We leave it a little while, then we can all go in,

take a load of pictures and stitch him right up.

Dexter, mate, have a look in your phone, see what you can find.

Already on it, bruv.

What's the matter with you? Thought you were going to give Joey a slap.

Like I said. It's nothing.

We were just having a laugh.

If Jack's the saint he says he is...

we'll go in there and they'll be on the floor playing scrabble.

Right, yeah, if he ain't, if he's actually human, which I expect he is,

we'll go in there, get some incriminating photographs of him

and this will finally have been a proper stag do.

What if we get him in trouble with the old lady then?

Alfie, this is the whole genius of the whole thing.

He only gets in as much trouble as he lets himself get into.

It's all in his hands.

So to speak!

OK. What about Max then, eh?

Either we have this conversation in here, right now,

with all your mates, or we go somewhere else.

Which is it?

Alfie, you're in charge. All right? Look after the stags.

-Boys.

-Cheers, Max.

Lamb to the slaughter that one.

Right, Alfie, you sort out Jack. We'll sort out the stripper.

OK. Catch up with you later.

Do your worst.

Right. How we getting on then, girls?

-Butch Cassidy!

-There's a stripper called "Butch Cassidy"?

Look at what her slogan says - "we'll sort you right out".

This is supposed to be temptation?

Oh, hold on, what about... "Siren".

ALL: Siren.

I was thinking we could leave the lads to it. Go and have a quiet drink?

-I think I might just push off.

-Come on, it's only early!

Yeah, we just need to go somewhere where there's booze.

Forget mine. I've only got half a bottle of red left.

-Do me a favour - buy me some time?

-We'll go to the club.

Jack, I need to talk to you. Now. Upstairs.

Oh, I can't, I'm going to the club with these two.

Whoa, what's with the sudden rush?

No, nothing. It's just, um, something about the wedding.

OK. Well, can't it wait? Good.

Hold on, fellas. Let me grab my coat, give me a sec.

Everything's good.

Don't worry, this won't take long.

See, I've realised this is a simple yes or no question.

Yeah?

This isn't about whether or not you want the baby.

This is about whether or not you want me.

So, do you want me? Yes or no?

If he thinks he can come over here

and interrogate my mum he's got another think coming.

-Will you calm down?

-Calm down? I'm going to report him!

BIANCA GASPS

Right, boys, T minus two minutes, yeah?

What does "T minus" even mean?

Bruvver, who cares, makes us sound like pros!

This is going to be unreal, boys!

-Shh, keep it down! Jack hears us and the jig's up.

-I can't wait!

Oi, what you doing?

-Getting the fish.

-Just walking.

-Stretching the legs and stuff.

Thought you were supposed to be on Jack's stag do?

Yeah, yeah. That as well.

-Yeah.

-You're up to something, ain't ya? Oh, come on, boys. Put us in it?

-Boys, I think we're busted here.

-Really? Are we that obvious?

Nothing gets past you, Billy Mitchell!

All I can say, Bill, is, uh, is...

..is go and wait by the swings, you stay out the way

and...just wait there.

You're going to stitch him up, ain't ya! I knew it, I knew it!

Don't worry boys, you can count on me. Swings, yeah?

-Swings.

-Nice one, bruv.

What a dope.

-I hope B's all right.

-Yeah.

Must be so hard for her looking after three kids.

I find it hard enough just looking after Scarlett.

-Marriage is no guarantee nowadays.

-Nan! You'll give Sharon second thoughts!

It's all right. You going to marry Joey, Lauren?

Is that even legal?

I want to get married. You seen Guys and Dolls?

When Adelaide says she wants a nice home with wallpaper and book ends. That's what I want.

You all right, darling? You seem a bit quiet?

I'm fine.

Nothing on your mind?

Come on, girls, why don't we do this properly, hey?

I do own a nightclub after all, girls!

Come on then, shall we?

Yeah!

See, this is more like it. Right. Whose round is it?

Beale?

MUSIC REVERBERATES IN CLUB

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

It's all right, not a problem. Let's go in the office?

Let's go.

Well, that's better.

I better contact Max, let him know where we are.

Just in case his missus lets him out again.

Great, come on. We'll go and get the beers in.

All right.

So no matter what you hear from there, OK,

do not open the office door.

-All set. Where is she?

-She?!

Mate, will you just get him out of here, yeah?

Come on.

-What? I thought I was getting the drinks in?

-Well done, Beale. Your timing is impeccable, isn't it, eh?

DJ TURNS MUSIC DOWN

-I don't understand.

-Don't worry. All will become clear.

I can't believe we're doing this.

That is her, bruv!

Oh, my days.

Bruvver, I thought she was supposed to be crusty?!

Oh, my days she is buff!

The lovely Siren.

Text him!

FOOTSTEPS

DOOR SHUTS

DJ TURNS MUSIC UP

Oi!

Stop!

I gave you a twenty!

Right, I'll be back in a bit.

BANGING ON DOOR

Oi! Open up!

Ian!

Alfie!

They've locked it.

We're trapped.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You're the man!

-That was funny.

Mate, ran like clockwork! You should've seen it, mate.

What did!?

Oi... synchronize your watches, will ya?

How long are we going to leave it?

Just one minute, right, will someone please tell me what's going on!?

I thought we were a team?

Blud don't know nothing, innit!

Where's Jack?

LAUGHTER

We're at R&R, yeah...

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

All right, ladies, are we all still here?

No. Kat and Bianca are still missing.

-Lola's gone to check on Lexi, I think.

-OK, right,

I know this isn't exactly what we had planned, right...

but I still want plenty of enthusiasm. OK?

We are still going to give Sharon the send-off she deserves. Yeah?

ALL: Yeah!

Excuse me? Hello? Can you stop texting your men?

All right. OK.

-Give up your phones or you're not getting in.

-Are you serious!?

Yes, I'm serious! This is going to be a boyfriend-free zone!

So just give 'em up, ladies!

Thank you. Thank you. You're all right, Mum.

Whitney? Thank you. Lauren, bag!

Lucy Beale, I do not believe you!

Hen party in the house!

Bring on the boys and the booze!

I can't believe my mum did that! How embarrassing.

Yeah, how am I meant to go without my precious Joey for two hours!?

Can't believe you're such a liar.

I'm not a liar!

A couple of movies, Sharon. Girls' night in...

How did you manage to keep it all so quiet?

I didn't tell the boys. Thought you could do with a night without them...

-KNOCKING

-Oi! Oi!

Oi, give it a rest, I'm trying to make a call.

Well, the bar staff are five feet away.

They're not going to hear you over the music, are they? Max, it's me.

Can you call me?

I'm locked in the office at the R&R.

Cheers.

-Where are your keys?

-I weren't planning on getting locked in.

Yeah, you might want to leave this to me.

You're going to give yourself permanent damage, way you're carrying on.

Look, I'm so sorry about this.

-Shall I go and speak to her?

-Do you think that's going to help?

I don't know, maybe if I explain...

What, that we knew it was a bit wrong but we liked the thrill?

Do you think she'd sympathise with that?

No.

I'll go.

Call me...

if you want.

Wait.

Was it just a thrill?

No. No, that was a stupid word.

It was more. And you know that.

I'm not going to let her stop us seeing each other.

No?

(No.)

I hope she's OK.

Honestly, Kat. Just go back to... the hen...

Don't be silly! Just tell me what to do!

Oh! My hands have all gone numb.

Um... I know! You breathe into a bag!

-I saw it on the telly!

-It's supposed to be a paper bag!

-He's gone.

Convinced that you're going to report him.

-I hope you're happy...

-Carol.

I don't know what to do! She can't feel her hands!

I still don't get why you couldn't tell me.

'Cos you'd have given it away that's why.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, there she is!

"Oh, help me I'm trapped in a room on me own with a beautiful woman"

"And she won't put her clothes back on!"

Boys, boys, we should probably answer that.

We've had our fun now.

THEY GROAN

PHONES RING

Oh no, it's only Phil. Sorry, mate, office hours are over.

I wouldn't have said anything.

Course not, Ian. You're ice cold.

Come on then, whose idea was it?

Well, I'm not usually one to take the credit,

but it was pretty much all my idea, weren't it? Yeah?

PHONE RINGS

I've only got Phil again.

He's going to want us to go back to work.

So, you think it's all right to imprison a man against his wishes?

He's on his stag.

So, it's all right to try and get him into trouble with his fiancee?

He's on his stag!

Yeah, I know. But what if something happens!?

ALL: HE'S ON HIS STAG!

Let's picture the scene.

Jack is sitting on the desk, and he's waiting

for Alfie and Ian to come in with a few beers, and a whiskey chaser...

Yeah, and then Siren walks in...

"Oh, oh, sorry... I was just looking for the ladies..."

And then - the door locks. Coat drops...

Oh sorry, love. You'll have to put that coat back on.

I'm on my stag do!

So this, Siren... what does she look like?

Thought you were against the idea?

Curious...

Those legs go on forever!

LAUGHTER

Billy. I'm stuck in the club office.

Get down here now, will you?

Well, maybe we should call the police.

You are joking, aren't you?

You got anyone else you can call?

So, that's it, is it? Jay, Billy and Dexter?

Well, it looks like we're going to have to call Sharon then.

HE SIGHS

MUSIC: Mousse T 'Horny'

If you've got something to say, just come out with it.

All right. Are you SURE it was just a goodbye?

I'm positive. If anyone's lying, it's Jack.

He said he was with Max this afternoon.

Wasn't he?

Well, Max covered for him, but I'm not sure...

He was probably just off somewhere

doing something romantic for the wedding, you know.

While you were saying your goodbyes.

What did I miss? Did I miss anything?

No, just Nan dancing!

If I was ten years younger, there ain't a bloke in this club

-who wouldn't have tried it on with me.

-Ten years?

-Oi, watch it.

-She's just jealous, Nan.

She's not having much luck with the boys recently.

D'you know what? This is not your night.

Both of you get over yourselves. Or I mean it, you can just go home.

Look, I think we should call a ceasefire before we get thrown out.

Look, I know I've been winding you up and... I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm angry at Joey.

I heard him chatting rubbish to Dexter.

Do you really think this is going to work, Lucy?

What?

I know what you're doing! You want me say,

"Oh, what did he say then?" You're just trying to stir stuff up...

Actually, I really want us to try to be friends, Lauren.

Please.

I'll wait all night for the answer, Max.

Babe, where's this come from?

You looked shell-shocked when I told you, d'you know that?

Like I punched you in the face.

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

Jack.

-How many times is he going to call!?

-I'm supposed to be the best man.

Oh, just go. That's clearly what you want to do.

You let the flat go. Every time I turn the corner Tanya's there...

-That ain't my fault, is it?

-I tell you I'm pregnant,

you clearly can't handle the thought of us having a kid!

-Can you just calm down! Please.

-How can I!?

You still haven't answered the question!

Babe, course I want to be with you.

Course I do.

Max. It's me. Again.

Can you call me back, please!

-Has she done this?

-What, Sharon?

Do you think she cares enough about you to want us to be friends?

I know she does.

Well, you'd be amazed how little you come up in the conversation.

She feels sorry for you, Phil.

It's pity, it's not affection.

Ah...

Joey.

Joey?

This is him. I had a bust up with him earlier.

-I had to put him in his place.

-Looks like he's put you in yours.

What a stag do. Speaking of which...

Sharon keeps a bottle in here somewhere...

I don't drink.

Oh, no? Bit of crack maybe?

PHONE RINGS

At last!

-Maybe it's over here.

-What is?

The scotch.

Told you. I don't drink.

PHONE BEEPS

Leave a message, did she?

Ronnie?

Oh come on, please. Will you just tell me where Jack is?

Rox, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Alfie, stand firm, mate!

Listen, why do you need to talk to him so badly?

Well, when you feel like telling me. You give me a shout. OK?

Right. What happens next?

Well, we drink up these and we go and get them out.

Sounds brilliant. I'm going to the toilet. Don't go without me.

What were you expecting to happen?

We're expecting that Jack isn't the saint he says he is.

We're expecting that he's in there getting a dirty little lap dance

and we're expecting to capture

his grubby little assignation on our phones...

So, you were just having a laugh? You weren't trying to screw him over?

-And you're surprised no one wants to get you involved!

-What?

It has got to be time, ain't it?

Come on boys. Let's go, let's go.

OK. I promise to send him straight over, all right?

Mwah!

Oi! Joey!

One minute I'm having a nice surprise hen do for Sharon

at the R&R, the next Lucy tells me that my boyfriend

is up to no good in my local!

So, you've got girls here, have you?

Oh, you blatantly do! Move!

Why are you trying to embarrass me in front of the boys? What's wrong with you?

Remarkable. He really is 10% carbon life form, 90% waffle.

LAUGHTER

-Did you hear that?

-What?

Where have you locked Jack with the stripper?

-R&R.

-And didn't she just say

they're having a surprise hen do for Sharon in the R&R?

Right, this is the point at which I say good night.

-Come on, you can't just leave us.

-Oh right, so now I'm part of the team?

I'm in on it, am I? No. I've got a cake to ice. Good night. Good luck.

-So, wait. What are we going to do?

-OK.

We need to get Max. Right now. Come on.

-We've only been married a year.

-I know.

There's loads of stuff I wanted to do with you before kids.

Go travelling.

Just have some adventures.

-I just want you all to myself for a bit...

-Max!

-Max! You here mate!?

-Not now, boys.

-Max, we need your help!

-I'm talking to my wife.

No, Max you don't understand, I need to talk to you...

I'm talking to my wife! Out!

All that stuff. I mean, it's great if we were 20

but I don't want us to go travelling. Find ourselves.

I want us to be a family. Be connected.

Have a little person that looks like you and me. Don't you?

Sorry, lads. Max is not an option.

So what we going to do now then?

If Sharon finds the two of them locked in there together...

-She won't like that much.

-What if she calls off the wedding?

Come on. Come on.

Ronnie's getting out of prison, course she's going to call me.

It ain't as if I answered the phone, is it?

I don't know why I'm explaining myself to you, anyway.

-It's none of your business!

-She is my cousin, ain't she?

First her, now you. What a mess.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, what you and Ronnie went through...

I mean, we ain't mates, far from it, but...

I ain't messing with that.

So you're not going to tell Sharon?

She don't know Ronnie's getting out.

I ain't your problem here. Your problem here is you.

-You was going to answer that.

-No.

-Yes you were!

-If I hadn't been here you would have.

-You're way off the mark.

What you going to do? You're going to marry Sharon?

Forget that your ex-wife is out there, waiting for you to call?

Here y'are.

-You feeling better?

-Thanks.

How long has it been going on!?

Look, I don't see that it's any of your business.

How long has my mum been lying to my face?

-See you later, Kat.

-Yep. See you later.

He understands me, all right? He knows what life is like for me.

So all of a sudden no one else does!

I pray that you never have a clue!

We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now.

-You're sleeping with him?

-It's not like he deals with you any more!

And why do think that is then!?

Why do you think the one probation officer that I've trusted

don't want to work with me no more?

Right, guys here's the plan - we're going to go in there

and tell the girls we were coming here, anyway

-and we think it's best they move on.

-Alf, hang on, hang on.

You think they're going to buy that? Bianca and Kat,

Sharon and Tanya?

-They're going to pick up their handbags and do one?

-Have you got a better idea?

In fact, do you have any idea? No? Exactly. Right, lads.

Granted, we've had a few drinks and things have gone too far.

We've messed up. But...

repeat - but we do not leave a stag behind.

-No.

-OK?

We're going to go get him out. His marriage depends on it!

And, well, so do our lives, I reckon.

So we're going to go in there as a team. No fighting. No moaning.

We're going to go in there together and bring our boy out.

OK? Let me hear a yeah!

ALL: YEAH!

Come on, lets go!

Let's go.

Let's...

Let's go get him!

I'll give them another fifteen.

There you go, Tan. Nice large one!

-What you lot doing here?

-We could ask the same of you!

-Thank you.

-What's your problem?

-You're in our spot.

-Oh right, oh sorry. How can I put it? Jog on!

You're not even supposed to be having a hen.

Yeah. Lies WERE told.

Oi! Oi! Open up!

Let's not get hung up about who lied to who...

Exactly. We can't stay in the Vic all night.

-Jack deserves a proper send off...

-So does Sharon!

-Where is Jack?

-Where's everyone actually?

-They're on their way.

-Exactly.

That's why you lot need to GO before they get here.

-All right? Comprehende?

-You're in no position to make a demand.

-There's no key. Joey must have it.

-It's all right. Sharon'll have one.

Yes, yes, all right. Point taken.

Just call Joey. Get him here, right now. OK?

-This is a disaster. Large scotch.

-Girls, had you been upfront

about this whole hen night, maybe we could've sorted something out.

So, this is all your fault. All right?

I know you're not taking that tone with me.

Innit, and we were here first. Possession is nine tenths of the law.

Thanks for leaving me, boys!

-Where have you been?

-Joey's still not answering.

Keep trying. Michael? Bit of support here mate.

Help me out here mate, please? Thank you.

What about some funds... yeah, funds, to ease the process?

-You are joking!

-How much?

-Lola!

Er, what is she doing out here?

Your head must be all over the gaffe.

I can't imagine what you and Ronnie went through.

You know what, don't bother.

Losing the baby the way you did... No one can.

What, now? You really want to go there, do you?

Not me... not Max. Not Roxy. Not Sharon.

In fact. I would imagine the only person on this entire earth

who knows what you went through, knows how you feel...

is Ronnie.

Which is exactly why I never want to see her again!

Really? She's getting out now, ain't she?

The woman that you fell in love with.

The woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

Your WIFE.

Ex-wife!

Well, let's not go there again, eh?

You might not get so lucky this time.

She can call all she wants, cos I'm never going to see her again.

All right? I'm marrying Sharon.

In fact, you know what... you can tell her.

I ain't got nothing to hide. I ain't done nothing wrong.

Well, if that's true, you can prove it, can't you?

You could play that message.

-There you go!

-65 quid?

-Yeah.

-You're joking, ain't ya?

-That don't even cover the taxis, babes.

-Get a bus then, girls.

-So, you Siren, yeah?

-Are you the stag?

-You was meant to be here half an hour ago.

-Jay, who's this?

-I don't know.

-You're lucky we don't take the money and kick you out!

-Why isn't Jack here yet?

-He's on his way!

Something's not right, Tan.

-Honestly, she's no one.

-No one!?

If you're trying to get out of paying me you can think again.

She ain't here for me, is she!

You booked me. You've got 20 minutes.

We doing this out here or you got a private room?

Hello. Suddenly it all becomes clear!

If you think we're leaving, so you can ogle some stripper...

Hang on... if she's...

Exactly!

-What exactly?

-Exactly. Come on. Talk.

Nah, it's nothing....

No! It is! She's getting married tomorrow. So come on, talk.

Before bones get broken.

Life sort of went a bit wrong for me.

Bad choices.

I didn't think I'd get a second chance.

Then I met you. And I couldn't believe it.

Kirsty...

And then I got pregnant! And then... well...

what happened, happened and I was OK...

I thought I'd had all my second chances.

I was just trying to be happy, you know? With what I've got.

Five years ago, I'd have bitten your hand off for this.

What? Living in a B&B with a used-car salesman?

I count myself lucky every day I wake up with you!

But then... I find out I'm pregnant again.

I've got another second chance.

Kirsty, you sure you're ready? After everything...

All I want is a family with you.

It feels greedy to ask for more after everything

but I do want more!

I want you to want it too.

That Annette is a proper little fascist.

Since I've been seeing her, I've not slept, I've not eaten properly...

-you've seen what I've been like!

-I know, I know...

And you're all right with that, are you?

He just... he just makes me happy.

But the longer he's with you... in this house,

the more chance he's got of seeing something that he can report!

He wouldn't do that! You said yourself that you trusted him!

I'm not so sure now! Are you?

Are you 100%?

Or are you just willing to take that risk?

I just can't believe that you could mess with my life like this, Mum!

Just imagine that.

A little person that looks like us?

More like you, hopefully.

Don't be silly. You're beautiful.

Oscar'll be well happy if it's a boy.

Think he'd love a little brother...

gets a bit fed up with his big sisters.

You mean you want to keep it?

(Yeah.)

Babe, can we just get the wedding out the way...

give me a chance to tell the girls?

You mean tell Tanya.

That's not unreasonable, is it?

Then we'll be all set, won't we?

You still ain't told me how far gone you are yet.

Just think about what you're asking me to do.

I've known Sharon a lot longer than you have...

-Yeah, so you're fond of pointing out!

-And I care about her.

And you want me to, what? Watch her marry someone

who's in love with someone else and say nothing?

I'm not in love with Ronnie.

Do me a favour! You're all over the gaffe, ain't ya?

If Sharon was marrying me and you knew I was in love with someone else...

what? You'd just say nothing, would you?

That ain't going to happen, is it?

See, this is the thing you just do not get.

All right? Me and Sharon, we've got something special.

-Something you and her will never have.

-You think?

No. I know.

Has it ever occurred to you that you're meant to be with Ronnie?

I mean... of course, you know, after what she did...

her going down and that...

of course you split up with her, but she's served her time, ain't she?

She's rehabilitated, right?

Where's the sudden faith in the penal system come from?

Ain't it time you learnt to forgive her?

I have.

That's how I know I'm never going to go back with her.

No. That's how you know there's a way back!

THERE IS NO WAY BACK!

Oi! Give me that! Give me it!

Mwah!

Oh, here she is. The grass.

Yeah, least she was sticking up for me!

Why aren't you at the R&R?

Oh, um, just... got a headache.

Uh, did you say the R&R?

Yeah. We're at the club. I did tell you.

I didn't hear you say that, Lauren. You're actually...

-actually at the R&R now, yeah?

-Yeah.

-How long you been there?

-All night.

Which does mean I have a free house...

Jack!? Jack you in there? I haven't got my key, Tan!

-Someone must have one...

-Michael?

-No, I've had mine confiscated. Joey?

-I've left it in the Vic. My coat!

-You lot get Phil's message as well?

-Not now, Billy.

-Hold on - what message?

-He's locked in the office.

-What?

-What?

-So's Jack!

-What? They've been locked in there all this time?

Sharon, I promise you, this weren't the plan. Boys... will you tell her?

-You really want us to tell her the plan now, yeah?

-You idiots!

Tan. They're going to kill each other. Jack!

Will someone please turn the music down!

Jack!

Turn it off, turn it off!

CROWD GROANS

GLASS BREAKS

Will somebody help me? Please!

Girls, get out the way, get out the way.

Give me it!

JACK GROANS

She wants to see you.

"Again", Jack.

ALFIE GROANS

Look, wait! Wait.

-It's gone quiet.

-Tan, that is NOT good.

-Get out of the way. Let me have a go.

-Careful..

-She said 'again'.

-'Jack!'

OK, look. I went to see her. This afternoon.

But it was to say goodbye. She's getting out of prison in a few weeks.

She was my wife! Look, please.

Phil. We said goodbye forever. I swear to you. We said goodbye.

Yeah, well, there's goodbyes and there's goodbyes.

-'Jack!'

-You think Sharon's going to be grateful

if you ruin our marriage, do ya?

Look, Phil, you can't say anything. All right? Promise me you won't.

Jack! You all right?

-What have you done?

-Nothing. We're fine.

Aren't we, Phil?

So are you going to tell me what was said last night?

Or do I have to drag it out of you?

Look, mate, it was only meant to be a laugh.

Nice one.

Remind me to lock you in a room with a pit-bull on your stag-do, yeah?

We'll have a right laugh then, won't we? Well, go on.

I got bigger things to worry about than you today.

-See you at the wedding, yeah?

-Yeah.

Max, can you get over here as quick as you can, please?

You told him, didn't you? About the kiss?

Why are you asking me, eh?

Why aren't you over there, asking him?

Oh, I get it. You don't want to let on there might be something wrong just in case I kept my mouth shut.

Just answer the question, Phil.

Shouldn't you be putting a face pack on or getting Tanya to plait your hair, or something?

Don't joke with me.

You're marrying a bloke who uses more hair products than Kat and Dot put together.

-If that ain't a joke, I dunno what is.

-Is that what really bothers you about him? His hair?

I ain't finished yet.

Just tell me what was said and I'll be out of here.

Do you really think all you got to worry about is

whether I told him about some kiss?

Look at yourself.

You're just a sad old man living in the past.

I don't care how long we've known each other, or what we've been through.

You ruin today for me and I will never forgive you. Ever.

Dunno why he wants you round there so early.

Well, cos it's his wedding day, innit?

Sometimes blokes get a bit nervous, need a little chat,

sit down, something to drink.

Come back to bed.

Babe, look, I know we got stuff going on.

I know we got things to talk about. Can we just get through today?

You mean sit at the back, so you and Tanya hardly know I'm there?

Well, go on - don't want to keep your brother waiting.

Didn't expect to see you in here on your big day.

Wedding day or not, I can't do anything without my caffeine fix.

Listen, can I nip round before the wedding? I know you've got a lot to do, but it won't take long.

-Yeah, course, Carol, you're welcome anytime.

-Thank you.

-Mum!

-Now that is what I call a nice welcome.

Mum asked me to take them to the park for a bit, get them running around.

Calm them down before the ceremony, you mean?

She's been trying to call you for, like, an hour.

My phone must be switched off, Abi.

-I got you this.

-Denny, I don't think you're supposed to give her that till later.

It's your something new.

-Jack helped me choose it.

-Did he?

Oh, darling, it is so gorgeous. I'll wear it later, yeah?

I saved up my pocket money. Uncle Jack gave me the rest.

Thank you.

-Right, come on, you two, we better get going.

-See you later.

Oh!

-SHE HUMS:

-Mm, mm, mm, mm!

Jean, please - PLEASE can you just take it down a notch?

Oh, excuse me for trying to spread a little bit of cheer.

Girls, will you give it a rest before I lock you in an office?

-There won't not be a Superman around to kick the door down.

-Superman?

-Listen, Tyler told me you bounced off that door like a rubber ball...

-Oh, shut up!

-..and he had to come and save you.

-Don't listen to Tyler.

Let me tell you something - I loosened it, all right?

I'd love to have been a fly on the wall in that office. What Phil and Jack were talking about.

I bet it was something like knitting patterns or who can pull

the best angry face.

Oh, I've got to go and take Amy to Jack's.

All right.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Will you get that, darling?

Is that the cake?

I expect it to have lots of tiers and a little sugar bride

and a little sugar groom.

Well, I wasn't up all night making a Victoria sponge now, was I?

Thanks for letting us set up in here, Alfie.

Why that club hasn't got a kitchen, I don't know.

Different priorities. You missed a belter last night.

After you left it went from, what, stag night to a fight club.

Well, that's what happens when you let lunatics take over the asylum.

Talking of lunatics, where do you want me, Chef?

-Did you get that extra help I asked for?

-Due in half an hour as requested.

Right, well, I've got a very special job for you, Jean.

If you don't think you're up to it, just say.

Sausages.

At the moment, they're sausages.

But when you've finished with them, they'll be sausages on sticks.

Have fun.

Lunatic!

Sorry, I stepped out for a breath of fresh air

and the door shut behind me.

Tell the truth.

Hm?

-You saw what she had planned for you and you legged it, didn't you?

-Eh?

And there she is! I thought you'd done a runner on us.

-Yeah. As if, Mum.

-Yeah, I know it's a bit cheesy and everything,

but I thought it'd be nice to make an effort, have a bit of fun before the serious bit.

I thought we'd done the hen night.

You mean you've never had leftovers the morning after the night before? No? It gets better. There's more.

Madam, would you like to come with me?

Oh, Tan!

Run. Seriously.

Do you mind? I've got a baby yoga class to get to.

Have you said anything to her?

By her, are you talking about the ex-missus or the missus-to-be?

If you think anything of Sharon, you'll keep that shut, all right?

-I love her.

-You love her?

Is that what you said to Ronnie as well, is it? That you love her?

Everything all right?

Sort him out, will you?

I ain't going to beg you.

What was that all about?

That's got the knots out.

Happy Sharon and Jack's wedding day, everyone!

Is it too much to ask for just a little bit of peace and quiet round here?

Just ignore her. She's hung-over. You'd think she'd be used to it by now!

Right, you'd better take over here.

We'd better get a move on if we're going to get to the R&R for three o'clock.

Look, no offence, Sharon, but this whole wedding thing, it just - well, it just seems a bit pointless to me.

Lauren! Button it.

It's all right, Tan, she's entitled to her opinion.

All I know is, is Jack's the most decent man I've ever met.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, sorry.

Mind you, even the most decent bloke's entitled to kick off

when Phil Mitchell picks a fight on your wedding day.

Jack kicked off with Phil?

There we go. All done!

What's next?

Jean, I really would prefer it if the sticks were in dead centre.

It's a professional pride thing.

Right... Chef.

Aw, Amy! Don't you look lovely?

-Like a little princess.

-She does. I'm just going to take her to Jack's, OK? I won't be long.

-Yeah. Listen, is everything all right between you two?

-Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?

Last night it seemed like there was something going on. I'm quite happy to patch it up if you want.

Granddad, please - it's fine, OK? Stop worrying.

OK. How about I take Amy over, and you get your feet up, yeah?

You're so good to me.

Come to Uncle Alfie, then.

Let me go and get my coat and we'll go and see Daddy.

You're my little princess, aren't you?

Now would be a good time to unburden yourself.

-Mitchell's got me over a barrel.

-We'd worked that out. About what?

KNOCK ON DOOR Hello. Special delivery.

Is that my gorgeous little darling? You look beautiful.

Come in here, look.

-Cheers, mate.

-Back in a minute.

-I feel I should say something, considering you're getting married.

How about head for the nearest exit, don't spare the horses?

-Listen, I spent the best years of my life married.

-Yeah. And me.

Well, it ain't exactly my first spin round the dance floor, either, is it?

-Didn't think I'd be going back there. Not after the last time.

-Relax.

I mean, the odds of you catching another nutter are pretty remote.

You pick the right one, it'll be the best thing you ever do.

If you don't pick the right one, do like Max - pick a couple.

Anyway, listen, good luck to you, yeah? Good luck.

Fellas, I'll catch you later.

See you later.

Cheers, Alfie.

So, you going to fill us in, or what?

I saw Ronnie.

And Phil knows.

What were you saying, Poppy?

You mean about preferring hairspray over mousse?

Cos mousse is just really sticky...

No, darling, darling - about Jack and Phil?

Did you hear what they were saying?

No. I mean, I was quite far away, anyway.

Actually, it did remind me of one of those nature programmes where

you see the stag doing, um - what do you call it? Um...

Rutting. Funny word, rutting.

Ain't one you hear a lot of, is it?

You look lovely. Can I have a word?

We've got a problem.

Oh, no, you're kidding. We're going to have to call someone.

I know this might all be just one big laugh to you

but it's actually Sharon's big day.

And I don't want it ruined.

What's the problem?

OK, so the party planners think we said next week. There's going to be no decorations, there's going to be

absolutely nothing in that club to make it look nice. What am I going to do?

Just...carry on getting your nails done.

Oh, right, yeah, cos that'll help.

Just finish getting your nails done,

just go put your dress on, do your hair and leave the rest to me.

Oh, right, because I am so selfish

and miserable I couldn't possibly help anyone else out.

Oh, sorry. Thank you, thank you.

Where's she gone?

That way.

Jack, it's me. Can we meet?

At the playground, soon as you can, yeah?

She wants to see me.

Ta-da!

Every little stick is slap bang in the middle of every little

sausage as requested.

I've also taken the liberty of arranging them

in symmetrical rows for that "professional" look.

-I'm really impressed.

-Good.

So, can I move on to something a little bit more advanced now?

Yeah, you could, um...you could put the pate on the oatcakes.

-Jean!

-Ah, that'll be our waiting staff!

Yeah, the pate's in the fridge,

the oatcakes are... Are you having a laugh?

Shirley has got heap-loads of experience in the catering industry.

A chicken shack is not in the catering industry!

That's the last time I give you extra chicken nuggets.

For goodness' sake, she needs the money. Give her a chance.

No. I'm not letting her finger my buffet!

Oh, the pair of you, just get out of here.

If you want something doing properly, do it yourself.

You going to be like this all day?

It depends how long you keep thinking about yourself and not care less about me or my kids.

That's all I ever do, think about you.

Do you know, I could go back to prison?

One word from him and that's it. It wouldn't have to be right.

-It wouldn't have to be fair.

-All right, just calm down.

I'm going to phone Steve, all right, later and tell him I'm going to end it.

I won't see him any more. Look, I'm sorry, love.

If I'd known that this would upset you this much,

I never would have started it.

Look, come with me and take this over to Sharon before the wedding.

All right.

I'll tell Whit to keep an eye on the kids. Whit!

Bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, ain't it?

We can handle it. Can't we?

What is it? What's so urgent?

Tell me you love me, Jack.

What?

Just tell me you love me. Promise.

Yeah, course I do. Promise.

Is something wrong?

No.

No, I just wanted you to know, that as far as I'm concerned, this is it.

Me and you.

Just us. And I love you.

Love you, too. See you at the altar.

Phil, it's me.

It don't make me feel good, keeping secrets from Jack.

'He's only ever been honest with me.

'But thanks for not saying anything.'

You raiding the bargain bin?

This might look like some old, tatty Christmas decorations that

Denise has just found at the back of her shop

but it is actually wedding decorations.

Enjoy the day.

-Why, aren't you coming?

-Probably show my face later.

You don't know anything about decorating, do you?

He ain't told her.

Well, good. Course he ain't. You told Ronnie it's over.

-Sharon ain't got nothing to worry about.

-He's right, Mitchell's bluffing.

Right, let's forget about all that. Put your suit on,

get a smile on and we'll get you to the church on time.

I'm getting married.

Yeah. I'm getting married!

Right, come on, then.

-Sorry.

-There you go. Here she is.

I told you she wouldn't be long.

-I know you've got a million things to be getting on with.

-Weddings, eh?

When me and Ricky got married I felt like I was going to be sick most of the day.

But I couldn't let a Branning wedding go ahead without checking you had all the necessary.

Now, these were my mum's.

I know you've got the blue bit sorted.

Something old and borrowed, yeah?

Well, it's the least I could do.

You and Dennis are family now.

-Thank you, Carol.

-Do you feel like you want to go to wee a lot?

-Bianca!

-What? I was going like a racehorse when we got married.

-So, what time's the ceremony?

-Three on the dot.

-Yeah - that's if we get your hair and make-up done.

-Well, we better get back.

-Yeah, let's go. See you later.

-See you later.

-Bye. See you in a bit.

Everything all right?

That's twice you've run out on me today.

Well, actually, Tan, everything's great.

Yeah? Let's get ready then.

What's that for?

If Lexi's going to the wedding she's got to look the part, ain't she?

-I thought Lexi was staying with you?

-Well, now I'm telling you to take her.

So YOU'RE going now?

Don't tell me you're going to turn up at the wedding, Phil, and just cause trouble.

Trust me, when I've said my piece there ain't going to be no wedding.

It's not exactly Westminster Abbey, is it?

And that lot ain't going to help much either.

I've worked in enough clubs to know

there's plenty of junk around from old parties.

If you know where to look. Come on.

Handsome devils, ain't we?

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

I know you can't be referring to me. Look at this face.

Well, when you two girls are quite finished, we've got a wedding to be getting to.

Yeah, hard to believe sometimes. I love Sharon, she loves me.

When you got that, nothing else matters.

I've just been sick in my mouth.

Listen, I'm getting married today.

And nothing's going to stop me, all right? Not even you. Ready?

Yeah.

What about her?

Agh!

I hope you don't mind me barging in, but I thought maybe you could

do with a bit of help, you know, and a bit of company for Abi.

And we could maybe take the boys over for you.

Yeah, that's a great idea. That's very thoughtful of you.

That's all right.

Here you go, Grandma.

Oh! Well, maybe, seeing as it's Sharon's wedding.

Mind you, we used to get married in a church, not in a nightclub.

Cheers.

Well?

Darling, you look lovely.