15/01/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

Come on, hurry up. I'm freezing out here and I need the loo.

-All right?

-Oh, sorry.

What you apologising for?

Er, I didn't realise it was you.

Would it have made much difference if it wasn't?

Oh, I dunno.

See you downstairs.

It'll be fine if you just pull them down a bit.

-That's uncomfy!

-I'm not talking to you!

B, how much does a pair of school trousers cost?

Do you know how much a funeral costs? Go and clean your teeth.

-Everyone's going to laugh at him.

-Good. Might toughen him up a bit.

Any tea in that pot?

Sorry, I think it needs a refill. You sit down. I'll do it.

-No, I'll do it. Anything interesting there?

-Yeah, maybe.

Where've all the mugs gone?

Sorry, that'll be me. There must be two or three up in Mum's room.

Tiff, go and get 'em, will ya? Excuse me. I'm talking to you, madam.

It's no good. She won't go up. Too scared of Nana Pat's ghost.

Oh, for God's sake. You're nearly nine.

-Scooby Doo isn't true, all right?!

-Bianca!

We'll go and get the mugs, eh? Together.

You ain't finished your breakfast yet.

-I'm not hungry. Come on, young lady.

-All right, old man.

Cheeky!

Who'd've thought he'd be sweet with her?

Oh, yeah, who'd have thought it, eh?

Just as she's about to fall for him, he'll be off.

Not necessarily.

Hello? Hello? Anyone home? Come out, come out, wherever you are.

(Look under the bed.)

Nana Pat was too big to fit under the bed.

Well, if she can walk through walls, she can get under the bed, surely?

Come on, darling, come here.

Listen, if Nana Pat wanted to come back as a ghost,

don't you think I'd know about it?

I'm the first person she'd want to haunt, I promise you.

-Granddad.

-Yes?

What's so good about "the other place?"

What you talking about?

Well, Nana Pat said when she died,

she didn't want to go to heaven cos she'd get bored.

She'd much rather go to the other place

cos there's a better class of company there.

-What did she mean?

-Nothing, darling.

She was just making a joke, that was all. Don't mean nothing.

Are you all right?

I just miss her, that's all.

I didn't think I would but I do.

Granddad?

Yes.

When am I going to meet Uncle Joe?

Who've you been talking to?

Dad says he's a nutter.

Look, Uncle Joe's got a few problems, that's all,

but he's not a nutter.

And that is not a very nice word to say.

But we'll talk about that another time.

And there are no ghosts, OK?

Right, let's get those mugs. Come on.

KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR

All right, all right, I'm coming.

Sorry, I really need to speak to somebody. Is Ricky around?

He's been offered a day's work. What's the matter?

I've just, I've had the most awful experience. Look, I'm shaking.

-What's the racket about?

-Can I sit down?

-Yeah, go through.

-You deal with her.

-Oh, great, thanks.

Janine, what's up?

I've just had the most awful dream that I was in labour, right?

And I gave birth to a monster.

Well, that's par for the course, innit.

Pat was the midwife and she was screaming at me, "Janine, Janine."

And I was so frightened I woke up. But it's like it's still there.

What's still there?

Pat's voice. It's like she was in the room with me.

-Well done.

-Sorry?

Tiffany! Come on, she didn't mean it.

-Nothing back from the police at all?

-Hello?

Oh, Zainab.

Patrick, I thought you'd retired.

Just helping with the handover. Doing a bit of stocktaking.

Then soon, I'll be all done.

I see. I've just come for some cereal.

And how are you?

Fragile. Picking up the pieces, you know?

And Tamwar?

-Fingers crossed.

-Well, we're all thinking of him.

Thank you, I'll just get a card. How are things with you, Patrick?

-Doing the best, you know.

-Yeah?

Sure this is a good time to be, you know, giving up work?

Don't worry about me at all, man, I'll always be busy.

You know, looking up old friends and things.

And there's plenty to do on the allotment.

That's £3.87 altogether.

-Is it true you're looking for staff?

-Denise is, yes.

-What about Kim?

-I think both of them know

it wouldn't be such a good idea at all, at all.

Besides, Kim's doing up the new flat.

-What flat?

-Across the road. Number three. They're renting from Janine.

The one that was a halfway house? Denise, Patrick was telling me about the new flat.

-What about it?

-I don't know. What state is it in?

It's fine.

Is it clean?!

It will be.

Zainab was just asking about staff vacancy.

-Oh, yeah?

-No, not for me. Of course, not for me.

I was just making conversation but... Anyway, thank you.

I'll... Yeah, I've got to get back.

Why not?

Me and her?! Are you mad?!

Don't you remember how we was in here?!

No, no, that's got nothing to do with ghosts.

She just had a nasty dream, that's all. Dreams like that

can sometimes make you a bit loopy.

Is that what happened to Uncle Joe?

That's a different thing altogether.

-What did Janine say?

-I'm dealing with it. Has she calmed down?

I don't know, I'll check.

Has Uncle Joe got red hair like me and Mum?

-No, that's from Carol's family.

-Is he white like you?

-Eh?

-Is he white like you or black like me?

He's white, like me.

Come on you two, you don't want to be late on your first day back.

Then why am I black?

Erm, because you... you had a different Dad and he IS black.

-Kids! Now!

-Then why haven't I met him?

Here you are. You're best off asking your mother that one.

-You coming?

-Morgan wants to know who his dad is.

-I ain't got time for this now.

-But I want to know!

His name is Barack Obama! And he lives in America, all right?

Come on!

I don't know...

Patrick?

Oh, there you are.

I was just dropping my card in over the road.

How can I help you?

Look, I get just as frustrated with Denise as you do.

-Sorry? What?

-I live with her. So I know how difficult it can be.

I mean she's bossy, argumentative and that temper.

She never admits when she's wrong.

And that, kind of, foolish pride of hers.

Yes, without anything much to be proud of.

-Yeah, well...

-Patrick, did she send you over here?

No, no, if she knew I was talking to you she'd kill me!

Zainab, you know, what I admire about you is your patience,

your restraint. You know, with all the problems, your humility.

Hence the reason why I'm asking you that, um,

just to prove yourself the bigger person,

if you could find it in your heart to just make the first move?

Please.

It's always all about you, isn't it, Janine, eh?

So, what was I meant to do, stay at home crying by myself?

-Why, where was what's his face?

-If you mean Michael...

Why? Who else you got on the go at the moment?

-You can talk.

-Where was he?

He's like you. He doesn't do feelings.

He's like, "You and Pat didn't get on when she was alive.

"Now she's dead. What's your problem?"

-You and Mum were like that then?

-You haven't been here for 15 years.

You haven't got the first idea what went on between us.

I know about Barry, Janine. Cos Simon told me.

And the old Jewish boy. Don't rewrite history. Please.

You haven't changed one little bit.

You arrive here at the very last minute,

playing the whole penitent son thing,

and then suddenly it's like the sun is shining out your backside.

-I know different.

-At least I made it which is more than my precious brother's likely to.

-Only because of the will.

-I beg your pardon?

Oh, what, are we going to pretend different?

Cos I've got news for you, big brother,

the only thing that Pat has left any of us is debt.

So, I'm really sorry and all that, but you seem to have had a wasted trip.

I've made us all some coffee.

And do you know what? Next time you need any help don't bother coming to me.

Janine?

Janine.

-What was that all about?

-She wonders why I ain't come back all these years.

Honestly, that girl.

Who's that from?

It's from Zainab Masood. You don't know her.

Do you know, everybody's been so kind.

You know that me and your mum never really got on.

But over time...

Hey, Carol.

No, no. I'm all right, David.

Do you know, I saw all that estate agent stuff.

Yeah.

How would you feel?

-It's none of my business, is it?

-DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, it's the undertaker. I'd forgotten all about him.

You stay there. I'll go.

Leslie Coker of Coker and Sons, bespoke funeral directors.

A Ms Carol Jackson spoke to one of my assistants, I understand?

Come in, Mr Coker. Thank you for coming.

My deepest and sincerest condolences at your sad loss.

Thank you. I'm David Wicks.

Am I right in thinking Pete Beale was your father?

-Why? Did you know my dad?

-I organised your father's funeral, Mr Wicks.

We might even have shook hands that day.

I doubt it cos I didn't show up until the funeral was almost over.

Even so. It's an honour.

She needs the work. Not just for the money,

of course that is important,

just as a way of helping her to recover. A kind of, what's the word? Therapy.

Therapy? If she needs therapy, go get her a shrink.

On come on, Denise, think of how you were after Lucas.

Remember how that felt like?

Well, if she wants the job,

why can't she just come in and ask like anybody else?

You know Zainab as well as I do, she's her own worst enemy.

She's just so full of pride.

All she can remember is that you used to work for her.

And she's kind of worried that you'll make her beg.

Did you hear her making digs about the flat?

Is it clean? Oh, give me a break.

The thing is, I've already had a word with her.

You've done what?!

And she'll probably turn up and say that she only come here

because I persuaded her to. But y'know, Dee, if you could only meet her halfway?

Prove to yourself that you are the bigger woman?

Please.

And so when he goes round telling all his mates

his dad is Barack Obama, what do we say then?

-What was I supposed to say?

-Something else?

You've got your Dad back, why shouldn't he?

-Can we just talk about this tonight?

-No, cos we won't talk about it later.

You might want to think about getting him some new trousers and all.

-You said what?

-I said if he wasn't gone after the funeral,

he'd have me to answer to.

And when I say "me," I mean "us."

Thank you, sweetheart.

What do you mean, "us?"

You and me, Max.

You can hold him down while I administer the kicking.

Your face!

14, he was, the last time.

Squealed like a pig.

Those were the days.

Officially I'm retired, but I still like to keep an eye on things.

Pop in most days.

And when I saw your mother's name on the duty log,

I said to my staff straight away,

"I'm taking care of this one personally.

"Nothing but the very best for Her Majesty."

-So, you knew Pat, Mr Coker?

-Mr Coker buried my dad, apparently.

Yes, but Patricia and I go back long before, when I was still apprenticed to my own father.

Not in a professional capacity. We knew each other...

socially, you might say.

Right.

Always had a touch of class about her, did Patricia.

One of the great ladies of the East End.

-Privilege to have known her.

-I see.

Which is why, upon your father's death, she put Mrs Fowler, I believe,

on to me.

Turned out to be the beginning of a long association

between the firm and Albert Square. Mrs Skinner, Mr Evans, Mrs Fowler,

and Mr Archie Mitchell to name but a few.

We pride ourselves on our service being second to none.

Yeah. Well, we only want the best for Pat.

And I'd be dishonouring my professional reputation

to provide anything less.

You'll be wanting our premier service, then?

Do we?

I appreciate there will be financial considerations,

and in view of the esteem in which I hold Patricia's memory,

I'd be pleased to offer a very substantial discount

to offset any worries you may have in that regard.

That's very kind. Thank you.

That's agreed, then. Premier service for a premier family.

Shall we make a start?

Tell you what, I am so angry!

-Sorry.

-This is Mr Coker, Whitney. He's organising Pat's funeral.

Right. I'll leave you to it.

Excuse me a minute.

Whitney, what's the problem?

You know what Bianca told Morgan when he asked who his dad was?

-What?

-Barack Obama.

Morgan needs new stuff for school. Bianca's probably owed a fortune in child support.

But instead of getting in touch, she'd rather lie.

Bianca's got a lot on at the moment.

I bet Morgan would give anything to meet his Dad and get to know him.

We'll talk about it later. I got to get back in there.

WHITNEY DIALS

'The number you have called is not recognised.

-'Please check the number...'

-Great.

There you go. Bye now.

What, you come back to make more snide remarks about the new flat?

This is nothing to do with the flat.

I had a word with Patrick. He suggested I came.

So, just to run through it, so we're all agreed.

The cherrywood casket, the Windsor, yes?

The horse-drawn hearse,

black horses, the Gladstone.

Two top of the range limousines.

An internment at St Cuthbert's Church

and the service to be conducted by Reverend Stevens,

who you'll be liaising with to arrange details of hymns

-and readings and so forth.

-Right. Yeah.

And you'll be taking care of the catering and the flowers yourselves.

-Yeah.

-Just on that.

I'm assuming that you'll be wanting a special floral tribute.

Pat's name spelt out, with gardenia and lily sprays, yes?

Maybe "Nana Pat."

Fine. I should point out, they do charge by the letter.

Let's just stick to "Pat", shall we?

-Fine. This is the florist we recommend, Mr Wicks.

-Right.

They do require a few days' notice, so the sooner the better.

-OK, I'll give 'em a ring, yeah.

-If you could just sign there.

One thing, how much is all this going to cost?

Well, as I say,

given that it's Patricia, I'm happy to offer a substantial discount.

So, you should see plenty of change from £15,000.

Right, yeah.

Any problems, day or night, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

Let me see you out, Mr Coker.

Yes. And once again my deepest condolences at your dreadful loss.

Thank you.

A special lady, your mother, Mr Wicks.

A very, very special lady.

What a woman.

Thank you. Bye bye, now.

-What the hell have we done?

-Did Bianca say something about an insurance policy?

Not enough to cover that.

Have you got 15 grand kicking around? Cos I haven't.

I have but it's difficult.

I can't get my hands on it immediately, Carol, it's tied up.

Hold on a sec. Private conversation, Carol.

Yeah, sorry, I just want my phone.

Can you shut the door behind you, please?

Hi, yeah, sorry about that.

As I was saying, there's a bloke that used to work for you.

Ray Dixon?

Oh. Right.

Well, do you know where he is now or how I can get in touch with him?

-Who are you ringing?

-Who do you think?

-Don't you dare. Not Derek.

-I'm not that stupid.

I don't like David Wicks any more than you do.

You ain't backing out on me, are you?

What we going to say to Bianca

when we turn her dad into peanut butter?

You're using the word "dad" about that slimeball?

When has he ever been a dad to that girl, eh?

PHONE RINGS

All right, Carol?

Yeah.

All right, give us a couple of minutes.

-What's that about?

-She's on the scrounge, isn't she?

She wants help with the funeral costs.

That's good.

Gives us a bit of leverage, eh?

Be worth every penny.

Come on, then.

You shouldn't have done that, Carol.

I'm the one who's borrowing it. You don't have anything to do with it.

Has Max got that sort of money?

Who is the first person he's going to turn to?

All right. So what choice do we have?

I'm telling you, once Derek gets involved, that is it. It's over.

What?

He wants me gone, don't he? Sooner the better.

He can hardly keep you from your mother's funeral.

-It's got nothing to do with the funeral.

-What then?

You.

He wants to keep me away from you.

And has he got anything to be worried about?

You tell me.

David...

-I've been trying really hard, Carol.

-What do you mean?

Don't tell me you haven't and all?

I think we should phone the undertaker

and tell him that we've made a big mistake.

You can't, cos I've signed it, ain't I?

-Besides...

-Besides what?

We can't bury her in a cardboard coffin, can you imagine Dot's face?

OK. What do you suggest?

Maybe I should leave.

How would you feel about that?

-I don't want you to.

-Cos he's right, you know.

I ruin people's lives, Carol. I don't mean to, but I do.

Well, I don't care. Cos I'm not having my personal life dictated to by my brothers.

Why don't I nip and see Janine? KNOCKING

Did you not hear the last thing that she said to you? Is it him?

Yeah. It's worth a shot, ain't it?

-Stall him. Don't agree anything. Promise me?

-All right.

Promise? I'll be as quick as I can.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

What's a girl got to do to get some privacy round here?

I'm not stopping, don't worry.

Sorry, can you repeat that?

Oh, in that case, can I leave a message?

Cigarettes are a filthy habit, yes?

-Yes.

-They're poison. So why are we selling poison?

What's with the "we?"

Do you know what, I think you're forgetting something.

I am the boss. YOU are the employee.

Which means that YOU do as you're told.

Or is that too hard for you to get your head round?

So you're happy to have all that guilt on your head, are you?

Do you know what, this is your fault

and I'm holding you personally responsible!

-You've got a nerve.

-Come on Janine. I'll pay you back. Think of the family.

-Unbelievable.

-Look, I'm bad, all right? I'm bad.

I'm selfish, I'm irresponsible, whatever you want.

But, please. Please, Janine.

It's not like you can't afford it.

You would just say anything, wouldn't you?

Look, I know we didn't get on that well when you were younger but...

You do this one thing and I swear, Janine, I will put the effort in.

This could be our chance to repair the damage.

Excuse me while I just go and stick my fingers down my throat.

Where you going?

Wait.

You need money, Derek's offering money, so why don't you just take it?

Apart from the fact I don't know where it's come from,

my family can't afford debt they won't be able to pay back.

Sorry? Whose family? We're your family, Carol.

-I know that.

-So, let Derek take care of business.

I'm offering an interest free loan. With no pressure to pay it back at all.

Talk to Ricky and Bianca.

-So why are you rushing me into making a decision?

-Excuse me, you called me!

All right, I'll have to talk to Ricky and Bianca.

-Why are you looking at me like that?

-Because I'm thinking. Do you want to know what?

There's only one name that hasn't cropped up in this whole conversation.

-Has he said something?

-Sorry, who are you talking about?

-He has, hasn't he?

-Don't be an idiot, Carol.

-I don't know what you mean.

-Where is he?

-Who?

-Come on!

Don't bother. It's obvious, look at her. She's back in the sack with him.

I am not in the sack with anybody! You take that back!

We're just trying to protect you. We don't want to see you get hurt again.

I don't need you two to dictate what's going on in my life.

-SOMEONE OPENS THE DOOR

-I wonder who this might be?

What you two doing here?

Derek has kindly offered to lend us the money for Pat's funeral.

Right.

Well, Janine's just written me out a cheque.

So, thanks, but no, thanks.

You ain't going, are you?

Boys.

I meant what I said.

See you later.

-Zainab?

-I've restocked the tobacco shelf, so that's an end to it.

Yeah, I've been having a little think.

And we've both been through so much these past few weeks.

It's not right that we should fight.

Not with Tamwar still in the hospital and everything.

Look, forget what I said, Zee.

First and foremost, we're friends, right?

We should never forget that.

Do you want to do the hug thing?

-Not really.

-No, me neither.

Well?

Well, what?

You not told her? Come on, show her.

Oh. Where'd they come from?

I bought 'em. And a new PE kit. Can't believe you didn't notice.

-Come on you two, wash your hands.

-How did you meet him, Mum?

What you talking about?

Oh. Come on, wash your hands.

Just to say that dinner's on the table.

What are you doing?

Tiff's not wrong, you know. There are ghosts.

I can feel her, you know.

Like she's watching me.

Talking to me.

Yeah? What's she saying?

-Be careful.

-Never your strong point.

Nor yours.

No.

Mind you, he's right though, ain't he?

-Sorry, who we talking about now?

-Derek.

He don't trust me.

Mind you, that makes two of us.

-Cos I don't trust me either.

-Makes three of us, actually.

So, what you going to do?

We both know what we're going to do.

Cos neither of us is strong enough or sensible enough not to.

Come here.

No, not now.

-When?

-When everyone's gone to bed.

If your brother finds out he's going to kill me.

Yeah? If he does before the end of the week, we could squeeze you

into Pat's coffin. Two for one. What do you reckon?

Mother and son reunited at last.

BIANCA: Mum! Dad! Tea!

One kiss.

Some things never go away.

Oh, God.

It's like we're 14 again.

And I'll say what I said that night in '76.

-I love you.

-David, please.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Say it back then.

Come on, you know you want to.

Say it.

I love you.

I love you, I love you.

Oi! Do you know what time it is?

-Don't do that.

-Don't do what? What're you playing at?

-What's all that lot?

-It ain't nothing to do with you.

-It's just a job, that's all.

-Funny-looking antiques, boy.

Tyler, go and get the last load. And you, mind your business.

-What are you dragging him into?

-Oi, Michael, go back to bed and cuddle your teddy, eh?

Hey, come on. Where are you going?

I can't be in here when Bianca's alarm goes off.

Carol, come on. That's ages yet.

-No, I can't.

-Come back to bed.

-No.

-She's going to have to find out sooner or later.

-I beg your pardon?

-Well, she is, isn't she?

Listen, we'll talk about it later.

THEY GIGGLE

-Come on!

-Stop it!

MORGAN MAKES ENGINE NOISES

What're you doing, Morgan?

-Whitney's driving me to America.

-Oh, yeah?

To meet my dad.

Ah, that's nice. So where is she now?

In there, with Fatboy.

-Will you do us a favour? Will you tell her Tyler says hello?

-OK.

-And that he still thinks about her?

-OK.

-Good lad.

-You've what?!

-I'm already half regretting it. Don't make me feel bad.

Who is Morgan's dad?

-Ray Dixon. He's a really nice bloke.

-Yeah, a really nice bloke,

that's not bothered to look for his son before(!)

He didn't even know he existed until I told him yesterday.

-What?

-Yeah. And now he's really desperate to meet him.

-So how could I say no?

-Oh, Whit, man.

Would you come with me?

Um, I mean... Y'know...

-Oh, please? I'm really nervous.

-I know, babe, but, you know, I'm working here.

-This place doesn't run on autopilot.

-All right, no. Tyler or Anthony will do it. It's fine.

All right. Look, how long is this going to take?

About an hour or two?

Max isn't coming back till about twelve.

-I don't want to get you into trouble.

-Don't worry, all right. It's all good.

We...

can do this.

I am dreading that.

What's that?

Oh... I will be there with you the whole time. I will not leave your side, I promise.

Thanks, darling.

Tell you what. Why don't me and you go shopping? Bit of retail therapy.

-I thought you had an essay to write?

-Yeah, well, I can spare an hour or two.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Just, well...up and down.

I'd like to see you too.

Um, hang on a minute...

-Jane's asking if I can pop down the caff and see her. Can we do that shopping another time?

-Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine. Yes, all right. I'll see you in five.

OK. Bye.

-Sure you don't mind?

-No.

-At least this way you get to do your essay, eh?

HE MAKES ENGINE NOISES

Right, come on, little man, in the back.

-Aw!

-What? We're going in this one?

Well, if he's going to meet his dad, he needs to arrive in style, don't he?

How long does it take to get to America?

Right. Listen, Morgan...

remember when your mum said about Barack Obama being your dad?

That was...

-She weren't being serious. That was a joke.

-I'm not stupid.

OK, all right then. So where are we going, sweetheart?

-Stick another slice of toast on for us, darling.

-Someone's hungry.

-Always have a healthy appetite first thing in the morning.

-Tiffany! Liam! Morgan! Come on!

Oh, Morgan's gone.

-What?

-He was itching to go so Whitney took him.

-Morgan was itching to go school?

-Yeah. Apparently.

Weird. Anyway, I'm off. Don't know what time I'll be back.

-I'll see you two later.

-All right.

-Yeah.

-Liam! Tiffany! Come on!

Well?

I got to be at work. I'm on at nine.

Did we mean all the things we said last night?

Of course we did, but you know...

Then let me tell her.

-She'll go nuts.

-What, cos her mum and dad are in love and want to spend their lives together?

-David!

I know what you're thinking, Carol, and judging by my track record, I don't blame you.

But this time... I don't know what it is - Mum dying,

what went down in New Zealand with my brother...

Maybe it's just seeing you in your jim-jams again.

But I feel different.

I don't want to be that bloke no more.

I'm fed up with him. I'm fed up with his lies.

Your toast's ready.

We're nearly 50, Carol.

I think it's about time I grew up, don't you?

And that is why I want to tell her.

Say, "Yes, David".

You understand, don't you?

If you tell Mum, she's going to be really upset, so don't say anything until I've said something. Yeah?

-I forgot something.

-What?

Tyler says hello.

Oh, right. Van's moving now.

-That's good, innit?

-Yeah.

After the funeral.

What's the point of waiting?

What's the point of taking the risk, all right?

Do we need any more upset right now?

Fair enough.

What're you doing?

-I'm going to go and see Derek.

-What?! Why?

Oh, keep your hair on.

I'm not going to tell him about us, am I?

I just got one or two little things to sort out.

-Like what?

-Trust me, Carol.

David, come on.

Look, it's about time this argument got put to bed.

You be careful.

I love you.

I'll see you.

I can't, Lauren, all right. You can see how it is.

Just for an hour or so. I'm really bored.

-I would if I could, all right. Come here.

-No.

-Don't be like that.

-Forget it.

Lauren!

Nan, what are you doing in there?

I was just going to go and have my breakfast. Now I've seen your face, I've come over all bilious.

Derek, why are we still doing this?

All right, maybe when we was teenagers,

when we didn't know any better, but come on, we're grown-ups now.

-Let's start acting like grown-ups.

-What's brought all this on?

I'm not asking you to like me

and I don't suppose I'm ever going to be that crazy about you,

but carrying on like this?

It's what kids do. I'm burying my mother on Friday.

Can we just at least be civilised with one another?

Well, I applaud you. I do.

I applaud you for proffering the old pipe of peace.

A noble gesture, David. A very noble gesture.

And if civilised had ever got me anywhere, I might have taken you up on it.

But if you hang around a second after Pat's in the ground, I'm going to take that pipe of peace

and I'm going to shove it right up where the sun don't shine.

In a mature and adult sort of way if that makes it easier for you.

I think you're forgetting something.

-What's that?

-You're on licence. That was a direct threat. And I've just recorded it on my phone.

Everything all right?

You are a moron.

Ooh, language! What happened to civilised?

Oh dear.

Fancy a chat?

What about Tyler?

What about him?

You're keen on him, ain't you?

Only I can smell a wrong 'un a mile off.

I like this. This is going to be wasted on the great unwashed.

Yeah, I think we'll have this.

-Nan!

-I'm working here on a purely voluntary basis.

Unpaid and out of the goodness of my heart.

Call it a perk of the job.

All right, I'm a grasping mercenary old witch.

Then why work in a charity shop at all?

-Boredom.

-And a cancer charity at that?

They were asking for helpers and in a fit of madness I signed up.

See, I don't think you're as wicked an old witch as you like to make out, Nan.

Wickeder. Right, I'm going to ask you to skedaddle. I got a shop to run.

What, can't I just stay and help then?

If it was up to me I'd say yes like a shot.

They've got this deadly procedure

and they're up themselves about it, so sorry, darling, not this time.

My mother? Working in a charity shop?

Yeah. I ran into her yesterday. She'd just started.

-She didn't tell me.

-Well, maybe this is her way of trying to prove something to you.

-Like what?

-That she loves you?

-This could be a chance for you two to get a bit closer.

-I don't want to get a bit closer.

-You say that now.

But if you were to, say, work one morning a week there with her...

What, me? Work in...? Me?!

..you could do a bit of bonding.

Jane! Hang on a minute.

If this was me suggesting you do this with your mother,

what would you say?

All right, point taken.

Thank you. It'd be like the blind leading the blind, Jane.

Be good to do something though. A community-type thing.

For people that have gone through what you've been through.

All right, lovely Lauren.

And here's my favourite sister.

-What can I get you, Derek?

-I'm going to have a cup of tea and one of your wonderful full Englishes, please.

You all right?

Yes, thanks.

All geared up for the funeral?

That'll be £5.20, please.

I spoke to our mutual friend earlier.

Yeah? Who's that?

See, I love it when you do that.

When you pull that "I don't know what you're talking about" face.

Always tickles me.

-Get to the point.

-I spoke to David.

What about?

Why don't you ask him? I know, you should give him a ring!

HE CHUCKLES

Cor blimey, what a stink.

Blood, sweat and tears, that.

Explain boxing to me. Hurts, don't it?

Not if you watch it. And I like watching it, actually.

Everything you need to know about the human condition. Kill or be killed. Coffee?

No, I don't touch instant. At least the sim card ain't knackered.

You can't get these over here. Airport. Cost a few bob.

No, don't do that - that's evidence.

Don't be daft.

Serious - he's assaulted you, he's damaged your property.

-You take that into the Old Bill, he's back inside this afternoon. I'll back you up.

-I can't do that.

-Why?

Because I've got one or two little problems with the old tax man, you know?

Bit of a mess. I don't need my name cropping up on some police computer.

Fair play. What if I told you I saw him

moving stolen gear out of his flat this morning, early doors?

You're keen.

You don't even know me.

Derek Branning's a scumbag no-mark with no class and I despise him.

That do you? My kid brother, Tyler, works for him.

I know, it's unfortunate, he's not the brightest child.

But it's good in one way cos I know where the stash is.

Bad in another because it implicates him.

-Do you see my dilemma, David?

-Hmm.

So what we need to do is to find a way of nailing that...

toilet of a man whilst keeping Tyler out of it.

What's the matter?

You remind me - that's all.

Of me when I was your age.

I'll take that as a compliment, thank you very much.

Don't. Really.

Don't.

Listen, I'm going to take a rain check on this one.

Bit too old for these games now.

I don't really want to play no more.

Heather, it's me. I just wanted to explain about the other night.

It's not so much I needed to work...

That looks lovely! Did you phone David?

Why would I want to phone David?

You tell me. Sit down.

-Can't. I'm working.

-And I'm your brother. Sit down.

What?

I know what you think of me, Carol.

I know how I come across. But you got to believe me - I'm only doing this for your sake.

-Doing what?

-Saving you from yourself.

-How many times do I have to tell you this, Derek? I'm not 14 any more!

-And when you stop behaving like a 14-year-old, I'll believe you.

-You are something else!

Oh, yeah? What about you then, eh?

I don't even know the names of half the fathers of your children.

Oh, for God's sake!

Don't get me wrong. What happened to Billie - tragedy. A real tragedy. That's bound to mess with your...

-But a 20-year-old?!

-22.

-Oh, that makes all the difference(!)

-You can be so cruel, Derek.

Only to be kind.

That's what I'm talking about, saving you from yourself.

Drop dead.

I just need 15 minutes on my own.

Carol?

I am so nervous.

Well, take five and chill out, babe.

-I can't. I'm late.

-Where is he, Whitney?

Well, I'm just going to go meet him by myself.

And then I'll text you when I'm ready.

OK. Come here.

Good luck, babe, all right.

Thanks.

Come on, little man. Jump in the front.

MUSIC BLARES

Bit loud, innit?

-Hiya.

-Where is he?

He's with one of my mates.

He'll be here in a sec.

-I just wanted to speak to you first.

-I want to see him now.

I know you do. Just give me a couple of secs.

After I finished speaking to you on the phone I realised...

I never even asked his name.

Oh. Morgan.

Morgan. So he's got to be about six now, yeah?

Yeah. Seven on the 23rd of June.

So he knows about me, does he?

-Only since today.

-And how is he about it?

Ray, you haven't even said hello to me yet.

Sorry. I didn't sleep last night. I'm that wired.

Calm down. You want to make a good impression, don't you?

You're right.

Hello, Whitney.

Hello, Ray.

-You've grown up, haven't ya?

-Yeah. It does happen.

Does Bianca know about this?

Ray, you're doing it again.

Come on, look, I'll get a cup of tea and then you can ask me questions, all right?

Carol?

Have you been crying?

What's happened? Eh?

Is it Derek?

What's he said?

Every time somebody says something about Billie -

feels like I've been hit by a truck.

What's he said exactly?

He's right though, David.

What do you mean, he's right?

It's just not going to work out, is it?

Hey!

Don't you dare say that. Ever.

Think about last night.

Think about again this morning.

Don't tell me that ain't worth fighting for, Carol.

Don't let that piece of work take it away from us. Not again.

-I've got to get back to the cafe.

-Hey, no.

You're going to listen to me. I mean it, Carol.

I'm not running away this time. I swear, I swear.

If we don't take this chance now, we may never get another.

Jane'll be wondering where I am.

Tell me you still love me.

I've always loved you, David. That's what's so awful about it.

No more running. Not me, and not you, yeah?

Yeah.

Go on, then.

TV: 'Have a look at this. An early 19th century man trap...'

-'Message one.

-Heather, it's me. I just wanted to explain about the other night.

'It wasn't so much that I needed the work - well, I did -

'but that's not the point.

'Fact is, if I'm honest, I think I was scared...

'confused, I guess. Please phone me back when you get this.

-'Message two.

-I just wanted to make sure that you understood what I meant earlier on.

'When I said I was scared, I didn't mean I was scared of you.

'Please call me back.

-'Message three.

-Me again. Just wondering why you haven't called back.'

So?

Bianca don't know.

So, how come she never told you about Morgan, then?

I can guess.

She'd have to explain what she'd done with the 500 notes that she nicked off me when she left.

What?

I swear, she is a piece of work, that Bianca, y'know.

Is she still with that Tony geezer?

Whitney?

No, no. Sorry.

They split up - they've been split up for a while now.

He always was a smooth-talking scumbag, that one.

Yeah, he was. She's back with Ricky.

Her husband? You're kidding?

Where? Never Walford?

Yeah.

OK, look. I'm calm now.

Can we do this?

Yeah.

Yeah.

-Morgan...

-What?

-You know when Tyler said "hello"...

-Yeah.

Did he say anything else?

That he thinks about her. Something like that.

-Right.

-PHONE BEEPS

Looks like we're on. You ready?

Yeah? Let's do this, little man.

Morgan, this is your Dad.

Ray, this is Morgan.

Dad don't even look like Barack Obama.

What?

It's just something that Bianca says.

Well, look at you.

'Me again. I'm just wondering why you haven't called me back.

'Please call me back, or better still, come to the cafe

'so that I can explain face-to-face. I won't be leaving here till I've heard from you.

'Fact is, I'm going off me nut here.

'Please call me back.'

Are you going to be ordering anything else?

-You what?

-You've been sat at that table for ages. I need it for other people.

-I'm waiting for someone.

-Well, wait somewhere else.

I beg your pardon?

I'm having a really bad day and I don't need this. Why don't you go over the Vic

or the library or a park bench or somewhere?

Only not here.

-I'd like to speak to Shirley.

-Yeah? She ain't here.

She needs to know what type of staff she's employing.

Maybe send you on a refresher course in basic simple manners.

Have you met her bloke, Phil Mitchell?

-I'm ain't going anywhere.

-Yeah? D'you know my brother? Derek Branning.

D'you know what? You're not the only one having a bad day.

You want this table back - have the table back.

You're going to have to pay for that!

Hev!

Right. Now you pick that up, please.

You didn't tell me about the job in the charity shop.

You didn't mention your cancer when you first got it.

It's hardly the same thing, is it?

We don't have to tell each other everything.

-Where's your tea?

-I was going to do it after.

Lauren! Put the kettle on?

I think she's upstairs doing an essay.

-Right then, we going to have another?

-I can't. I'm working.

Don't be so boring.

There you are. I've been trying to call you.

-Your phone's switched off.

-What do you fancy?

Since it's you, I'll have a large vodka and tonic, please.

Since when did you become the responsible parent?

Large vodka and tonic, please, Tracey.

Do you know, I'm amazed she's still here.

Well, you've got the Rock of Gibraltar, Tower of London and then there's Tracey.

-Not everything in this world's unreliable.

-There you go.

-Take one for yourself.

-Thanks, David.

Always did know how to charm the ladies, didn't you, Dad?

Listen, darling. How would you feel if I stuck around?

Mum did show me the estate agent stuff.

Yeah, and...?

-I'd have to believe you meant it first.

-I do, I do. I mean it. I want to stay.

How do you feel?

Can we talk about something a bit more cheerful,

like funerals or something?

No Max's car, so I think we got away with it, babe.

-Fats, I'm worried. I think Morgan's going to say something.

-Don't worry. He ain't going to say nothing.

But what if the school phones up asking where he's been?

Then what do I say?

-So what, you saying you'd prefer if you didn't do it?

-No, I didn't say that.

So what're you worried about? Put a smile on your face, babe.

You done a good thing. Listen, fancy the Vic?

-Yeah, go on then.

-Yeah? That's my girl. Let's do this.

-I've got to go. I've got a shift in the caff.

-I mean it, darling. I am staying.

-If you say so. See you later.

-Ta-ta.

-Wondering if you'd reconsidered my offer.

-You're persistent.

Let me put another one in there.

Whitney!

Fats, I'll get you this. What do you want?

Coke, please, babe.

-Whitney, if I give you the money, can you get me a drink, please?

-Hello, Fats. What can I do ya, mate?

Listen, bruv, I'm only going to say this once, all right.

You can "think" about Whitney as much as you want. You know what, you can even say hello.

But that's as far as it goes, yeah - you get me?

Oi, Fats! Will you speak to your girlfriend, please? She won't get me a drink.

-Lauren.

-What?

-Look the other way, babe.

'I know where he keeps the stolen goods.'

Jack keeps his keys at the gym, so it'll be a doddle to get him and the stolen goods in the same room.

After that, all you do is ring the Old Bill and he's back inside quicker than he can call you Dave.

Come on, you know you're tempted.

Come on, you know you love it. If you're worried about missing him, Pentonville's just up the road.

Oi, oi!

Tracey, nice drop of gold watch for me, please, darling.

Talk of the devil, the devil appears.

David.

Something might interest you.

There's a stall in the market knocking out them pay-as-you-go phones. Only 15 quid a pop.

Even you could manage that.

I thought you might be interested, cos you'll want to keep in touch

when you're back in, what is it, Spain, is it?

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Tick-tock.

Thank you, sweetheart.

All right.

Let's do it.

Are we mad?

Probably.

Grandad. Breakfast.

THEY WHISPER

-No!

-Yes...

HE MUTTERS

Hang on!

Sssh...

-All right, darling.

-You OK? You look very red.

No, I'm fine. Why don't you go downstairs, put the kettle on

and I'll come down in a minute, all right?

We should never have done this. Whenever we do it ends in disaster.

-Please.

-No, I've got to sort the kids' breakfast.

-Bianca can do that.

I've got to go to work.

-Well, take the morning off.

-Who's going to put food on the table if I don't go?

That's your trouble, always thinking about someone other than yourself.

Yeah, unlike you who only ever thinks about himself.

That's offensive.

No, that's offensive, Carol.

What are you afraid of? Being happy or getting hurt?

Or, being all alone and ending up like my mum? Surrounded by chintz.

-You take your pick. You seem to have all the answers.

-Come on...

You don't need to worry any more, you don't need to be afraid.

I need to go to work.

How about I break both his legs.

What's he done now?

Nothing. I just like the thought of hurting him.

You two got a problem?

No. It's just one of my suppliers messing me about.

Yeah, well, the less I know about your dodgy dealings the better.

The last thing I need is Roxy having more ammo for this custody case.

And the last thing you need is getting in any more trouble with the old bill.

So do me a favour, stay away from David Wicks, will ya?

Yeah. Well, the trouble with David Wicks is

he has this nasty habit of getting in your way.

-But if they really want to go...

-Ricky, funerals are no place for young kids.

-Yeah, but...

-Just polish your shoes, will ya? When you've done them, you can do mine.

But if we're not there,

-how will Nana Pat know that we've said goodbye?

-She'll know babe, all right.

But how?

-Why don't you write her a letter?

-That's a good idea.

-Can you make sure they put it in the coffin?

-I'll make sure, Tiff, all right.

You can put all your names on it. What do you reckon, Morgan?

Are you all right, Morgan? You ain't said a word since yesterday.

Mind you, with you going on all the time, I should be grateful for the silence.

Yeah, you're all right, ain't you, Morg?

-That's nice.

-Well, it's the least I could do.

Sad, ain't it?

Are Peter and Lucy coming back for the funeral?

No, they're not going to be able to make it.

Oh, that's a shame.

-You have told them about the funeral, right?

-Yeah, course I have.

And you've told them about us?

Yeah, course.

Yeah, right(!)

Mandy!

Don't mind me.

Ignore him, he's just jealous.

Aw, you still crushing on Princess Amira?

What d'you go and tell her for?

I didn't know it was a secret, sorry.

So, what, you going to make your move, then?

You can't rush things with a sophisticated woman like Amira.

TOGETHER: Oooh!

It's all right for you two, ain't it. All loved up.

Erm, well, no, cos we're not "loved up".

-No, we're far too sensible for that.

-Mm-hm.

So what are you, then?

We are...FWB.

What?

-Friends with benefits.

-Yeah, serious benefits!

SHE GIGGLES

Oi. This what passes for studying these days, is it?

Nan, it's Practical Biology.

School! Now!

And I've got my eye on you.

She one of the benefits and all, is she(?)

-But don't you think Pat would have wanted the kids there?

-When did you become an expert on what Pat wants?

I want to give her the send off she deserves. I am paying for it, after all.

Typical. Shame you didn't care more about her when she was alive.

Are you going to let her talk to me like that?

Can't you two just get on for once? You know, for Pat's sake.

One question at a time!

SHE LAUGHS

Nice to see someone happy in their work, eh.

-All right? What do you want?

-I'm feeling a bit peckish, Carol.

-Oh, well, what can I get you?

-Well, I don't know if what I want's actually on this menu.

Couple of sticky buns as well, to take away, thank you.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

D'you know what, you're like a broken record, you.

Here you are.

Keep the change.

-All right?

-Yeah, fine.

-Bring us over a cup of tea, then.

-Yeah.

All right?

You, erm, all set for tomorrow?

Yeah.

Well, I'll be there. Pay my respects.

I don't think that's a good idea.

-Why not? Pat was good to me.

-You know why not.

Oh, right, so if I'm not there, you can just carry on as normal,

pretend it didn't happen.

It was a mistake now and a mistake all them years ago.

Yeah, a mistake's right, Ricky. And a bigger one than you think.

We had a daughter.

Look, I am all up for getting Derek sent down, yeah,

but I'm not handling stolen goods.

-No. You don't have to.

-You just have to keep lookout, play dumb.

Should be a doddle for you.

She died the day after she was born.

I called her Kira.

I thought she should at least have a name.

And, when I buried her,

I threw some little white rose petals

on top of her little, tiny white coffin.

And then I tried to move on with my life.

Not that you do, you know, never really move on. Not completely.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't think you'd want to know.

This don't change anything, all right?

No.

Course not.

Knock knock.

All right?

-Don't suppose you've seen Jack, have you?

-Out of town all morning, love.

Oh, shame, I wanted to talk to him about Amy.

Well, I'll see he gets the message.

Thank you.

TOILET FLUSHES

I hope you washed your hands.

Just got caught short. Just, er...

That's it, yep, stuff for the gym. That's it, lovely.

Did Jack let you in?

No. He keeps a spare set of keys at the gym.

What, for emergency calls of nature?

Yeah. Yeah. Cheers, then.

Michael. Here.

What was you talking to David Wicks about in the Square earlier?

You all right, Whit?

Yeah, great.

I bet it ain't easy at yours right now.

I've really stuffed up. I've really stuffed up.

Come here, sit down. Sit down.

I didn't want to go behind Bianca's back.

-I think Morgan has a right to know his real dad.

-Yeah, course he does.

-And Bianca's going to go ballistic at me.

-Nuclear, I'd say.

But listen, when she's calmed down, she'll be all right.

This is Bianca we're talking about.

-Yeah, but it's that thing, ain't it.

-What thing?

Well, you done the wrong thing for the right reason.

Or is it the right thing for the wrong reason?

That always confuses me.

I just miss Pat. I wish she was still here.

Yeah, she was a game old bird, all right.

You really have got a way with words.

One of my many talents.

-Anyway, I've got to go, cos I've got to look after the kids.

-Yeah, course.

Well, if you need to take shelter if Bianca does explode.

I know you've got Fatboy, but, you know...

See you later.

Why don't you and me go for a drink, sunshine? Your shout.

I made you a cup of tea. You didn't have any milk.

Ricky was supposed to get some.

I just put extra sugar in there.

What, to cover up the taste of the arsenic?

Pat was the closest thing I had to a mum, you know.

I know. I keep expecting her to walk through the door.

Tiffany's really upset about not going to the funeral.

-Why are you bothered whether the kids go to the funeral?

-Because I never got to go to my mum's funeral.

They said I was too young to understand. I wasn't.

And I can remember Ricky, Diane and Clare all being allowed to go.

And thinking that...

thinking that somehow it meant she loved them more than she loved me.

Oh, now that is disgusting!

Oh, why don't you come in, Ian(?)

-Do you know where your husband is?

-All right, Ian?

-Where's Mandy?

-How would he know where she is?

-I saw them together in the Square.

-We bumped into each other.

-And where did she go after you "bumped into each other"?

How should I know?

Where's Grandad?

Maybe he's with Mandy(!)

We'll talk about this later, yeah? What do you want Grandad for?

-I need to ask him a question.

-Well, you can ask me.

What's a...trust?

And things seemed very cosy with you and Whitney.

-She was upset about Pat.

-Of course.

And you were happy to offer her a shoulder to cry on.

She's a mate.

You wouldn't do anything to hurt my Lauren, would you?

No. No, of course not. Look, me and Lauren, we're good.

We've both got stuff going on, but we have a right laugh together.

-But you do care about her, don't you?

-Yeah.

And cos you care about her, you realise

that what Lauren needs in her life above everything else

is some stability.

Direction. Purpose.

I get that.

Good. So you'll do the right thing by her.

And same again.

Trace.

Mandy, it's me. Where are you?

Give us a call when you get this, yeah?

Maybe you should take out a missing person's ad, Ian.

Do you know where she is?

Maybe I do.

Maybe she's eagerly waiting for me in some hotel room.

Or maybe you should just learn to trust the women in your life.

That's easier said than done with you around, isn't it?

How is Simon?

-I assume you're leaving after the funeral.

-I was going to stick around, actually.

It's what Mum would have wanted.

I know I was always a disappointment to her.

But maybe now I can make things right. Finally make her proud of me.

I'll tell Mandy you were looking for her.

-And, Bianca, you get Pat's wedding ring.

-Aw.

-Do you get anything?

-I get first choice of her earrings.

And what about this trust business?

OK, so Pat's left the house in trust

for the kids to split equally when they're 21, so yours,

David's, Simon's, Diane's, and Janet Mitchell.

-Great.

-The kids will be well pleased.

Yeah, a lovely gesture.

But you realise the house has to be sold to pay off the mortgage and Pat's debts?

-But they'll still get something, though, won't they?

-A pittance, really, if anything.

Well, I suppose they won't miss what they never had.

-Hang on, where are we going to live if the house is sold?

-You can still live here.

It's simple. I'll buy the house and then you can rent off me.

THEY SIGH

HE LAUGHS

Is this what we're reduced to? A quick fumble between service washes.

Yeah, just like old times, eh?

Yeah, exactly. Nothing's changed, has it?

-Well, apart from your dress sense.

-Oi!

Though I have always liked you in denim.

Maybe you're right, Carol. Maybe nothing has changed.

Maybe I am still as in love with you now as I was then.

Yeah, and maybe you're as full of it now as you were then.

But then words always came easy to you, didn't they?

It's backing them up that's your problem.

I've always believed in less talk and more action.

SHE SCREAMS

-I'm being serious.

-What?

You always say the right thing and then you do the wrong thing.

Like what exactly?

Well, you know, like saying you're going to talk to Derek

and then not going through with it.

You've changed your tune.

Yeah, well, it's my prerogative, ain't it? You know that.

So, you know what, if somewhere beneath all that flannel,

you really do mean what you say this time,

well, show me.

You know, show me that you've finally grown up

and you've stopped playing games.

Where you going? What, reality too much for you to handle as usual?

I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Just something I've got to do.

Look, I'll see you back at the house.

And we will work out a way to tell him.

Tell them all, OK.

Trust me.

Mr Derek Branning?

What can I do for you?

We've got a warrant to search these premises.

You'd better come in, then.

You know, I thought he had a right to know about our baby.

Oh, but, don't worry, it doesn't change anything(!)

And where have you been since?

I just needed some time alone, all right?

-Were you with David Wicks?

-What?!

Were you with David Wicks, OK? Simple question, yes or no.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was with David.

And we had an amazing time.

Best time ever, in fact.

There. You happy now?

Mandy, I...

Shove it, Ian.

-So sorry you had a wasted journey(!)

-This time.

Do call again(!)

-Roses or lilies?

-What?

You know, roses or lilies? I was thinking about buying Amira some flowers.

What you shaking your head at? Women like "grand gest-yur-ees".

I'll give you a "grand gest-yur-ee" in a minute(!)

Well, how about we go on a double date, then?

You know, me and Amira. You and Lauren.