17/07/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

DOOR OPENS

Julie?

Thought we were going to talk.

Ah!

JANINE GIGGLES

SHE LAUGHS

You know I looked for him before.

-He didn't want to know.

-I know, but that was ages ago, wasn't it?

People change.

The thought of you meeting Mason behind my back... That animal...

after everything he did to me.

I know. And I'm sorry, all right?

I just wanted to find our son.

Julie, look...

..we've got an address.

We don't have to waste another minute.

We can go and see him today.

Dan Pearce.

-Today?

-Yeah!

I want to see who he looks like.

Whose eyes he's got and that.

If he takes after his mum, he'll be a right heartbreaker, won't he?

OK.

-After work, yeah?

-Yeah.

Julie, thanks.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-I thought we sorted this. I was staying. Janine ain't.

Yeah, but that was before we found out she was stinkin' rich.

We're getting complaints. You need to turn it down.

-I ain't staying here if she is.

-All right, see you later.

-Thanks, Kim(!)

MUSIC: "You Can Get It If You Really Want" by Jimmy Cliff Oh, I love this one!

Tune! Turn it up, Janice!

Janine, before you do, there is the question of last night's tab.

BARRIERS BEEP

Where now?

-I thought it was all sorted.

-I can't help but feel this is God's way.

Ooh! How was the honeymoon?

Amazing, thanks. Cornwall's gorgeous.

We loved it. But...

back to earth with a bit of a bump now, because we're homeless.

You're the most attractive homeless bloke I've seen.

Whatever happens we're not staying at your mother's.

You know, I was thinkin', right, this country is wicked.

You had two coffees before we left this morning!

You know, those scales of justice, they're gold-plated.

And I never doubted them. You know what that means?

That means we can make plans now, Merce. Check this -

you take over the stall, OK? Keep it in the family, get me?

And then I can go out there and get a proper job.

-Then we might be able to move in together.

-Arthur...

I am employable, right?

I'm employable, right? You know like, Fat Cat, City boy and that?

It's just your clothes,

your posture, the words that you use...

I mean, I wouldn't buy anything off someone wearing a sequinned hoodie, on principle.

End of the week?!

All right, well, I'll have to see what I can do.

All right, talk to you in a bit. Bye.

You ain't going to believe this.

My mum wants me to go up to the Cotswolds, because my dad's having his bunions removed.

-He works as a night porter in this hotel, and if I don't step in, he's going to get the sack!

-Well,

if you leave me on that car lot on my own,

-I'll sack you!

-This is the first job my dad's ever got.

I don't care. You have to train someone up.

No cover. No Cotswolds. Capiche?

Perfect.

-Let's hope the social worker thinks so.

-INTERCOM BUZZES

-Hello?

-'Christian, I need a hug.'

It's Roxy.

Ah, Mr Chubb?

Yo. What's up?

Stop.

-Do you want to join the ranks of the employable or not?

-Course I do.

I wouldn't be wearing this otherwise. I even took out my bling.

"Yo" and "What's up?" is scarce an appropriate opening gambit.

They'll be scrutinising the ceiling instead of scrutinising you.

Try to use words that they will recognise like "Hello" and "How do you do?"

You do realise, don't you, that I have truncated my morning shift at the launderette for this?

At least you got into the room this time.

Next!

Hello.

How do you do?

It says in this here book of Bradley's, "Don't slouch,

"sit forward,

"ask insightful questions, smile and tilt your head to show interest."

This is ridiculous! That Dubai money is practically gone.

I'd cover all of these if I could. Look.

Don't worry, I'll sort this one out myself.

I told her she ain't welcome, but she just pushed past me.

So, why don't you tell us, Janine -

did you force her to sign the will or did you forge it?

It's not how it seems, Pat.

Oh!

I printed it off at school.

-And you let her?

-I asked her. It cheers me up.

So, why you here? Come to rub our noses in it?

I might not deserve the money...

Yeah, you don't.

-And some people might argue...

-And win.

I'm rich. No-one can change that, and that means what has happened in the past, is in the past.

It's forgotten.

I could even help you guys out.

Hang on, how long does it take for this money to come through?

You've come over here for a loan, ain't you?

Come on, it's not like I can't pay you back. Please?

-You evil little witch!

-Pat! Whoa!

Out, out!

She's vulnerable. What do you want me do?

-Throw her out?

-Yeah!

She's a liability, babbling on about her child-snatching sister.

That'll score us points for the adoption(!)

-What's that, then?

-Just our action list.

You know, targets we've got meet.

Yeah. We've still got loads to do.

You know, bigger flat, getting family on-side.

Good luck with that.

I think those flowers are on their way out.

What you talking about? They're fresh as anything.

I'll get some more anyway.

Oi!

Am I your best friend?

Right.

My sister is very possibly locked up with some psychotic murderer,

and my ex-boyfriend helped put her there, OK?

I need big chats,

I need to slag people off and I need white wine, all right?

Come on, Phil, you must have a motor I can borrow.

-DOORBELL

-Someone get that, will you?

-Get the bus.

-I ain't getting the bus! What does that say about me, eh?

-Ain't my fault you're a loser, is it?

-Ahem.

-Spit it out.

-What?

OK. I need a loan.

I will pay you double your highest rate of interest.

Yeah, well, I ain't interested.

I don't know if you know, but I've just inherited quite a lot of money.

Well, to me, Janine, you'll always be a tramp.

-I'll remember this.

-I won't.

-The Jag?

-Yeah, go on. Sling your hook.

-Before I change my mind.

-Ta!

Anyway, I've discussed a few projects with her.

Yeah? You've got to hand it to the murdering witch, haven't you?

She makes her own luck, don't she?

Janice!

Mate!

Get 'em in, yeah?

Listen, Tanya didn't speak for everyone.

-Congratulations.

-Janice!

She's such a nosy old gold-digger.

She doesn't know she's wasting her time,

because until that money comes through, I can't even buy a drink.

-Are you joking?

-No.

-You're an heiress!

Companies will be falling over themselves to lend to you.

I've got a mate who works in short-term loans.

Come on, I'll sort it out.

-Weird, eh?

-Yeah.

-Sorry.

-Which one is it?

That one there.

-Shall we go?

-Yeah, in a minute.

OK.

TURNS ON RADIO

TURNS OFF RADIO

I reckon I'd get into this.

Right. Come on, let's have it.

I can't do this.

Look, Julie, I know it's scary.

-I'm nervous as well, you know.

-But you want to meet him.

For you, it's exciting.

For you, he could be anyone, but it's not like that for me.

He's not a blank.

In my head, I've already got a son.

Him in your head...

it's not your real son, is it?

Yeah, but it's in there!

And I'm sitting here feeling like a traitor.

You think I haven't imagined stuff?

Course I have.

-He might hate me, Billy.

-Hey.

We'll just go in there, all right?

Knock at the door, have a butcher's.

And no calling me Skidmark.

Hey, Julie, look!

Excuse me, mate. We're looking for a Dan Pearce?

Who's asking?

I am.

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

-See, he don't know us, we're...

-Family.

Yeah, I'm Dan.

-You better come in, then, eh?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Hands behind your back.

-Are you joking?!

Hands behind your back.

I'm really flexible, you know.

SHE LAUGHS

-I am!

-Don't bend your knees.

Don't bend your knees!

Ha-ha! Knee on the floor!

Penalty! Penalty! Drink.

You have to drink now!

That's real Dad material, that, Christian.

I'd better cancel the social worker.

Seems all right, don't he?

Family? Why didn't you say parents?

Why didn't you?

I don't think we're ready for this.

Eh?

That was quick.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm really impatient.

I use two teabags in the cup.

I do that!

It's a nice place.

It's all right.

Bit skint at the moment, you know?

But like most people, though, eh?

So...

you said we was related somehow?

Yeah, very closely related.

Dan, there's no easy way of putting this, so I'm just going to say it, all right?

We're your parents.

Did they talk to you about us at the kids' home?

Parents?

We just wanted to meet you.

I'm Julie,

I'm your mum.

There are castles in the Cotswolds, like fairytale ones. Be like a little holiday.

She definitely said both of us?

Yeah, course, it's a proper operation, and I want you there.

-Looking fit today, girl.

-Excuse me?

Some blokes think all it takes is a bit of muscle.

If there's anything you want to ask us?

We were only kids ourselves, really...

I held you for ages when you were born.

I know it's not much... it's nothing, really.

This midwife said that being born was really stressful for babies...

so I just kept it peaceful.

I couldn't really do anything else...

so I just held you very, very still.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I know it must be a big shock.

We know you've got your own life now and everything...

I ain't your son.

I'm not Dan.

I'm Paul.

Dan used to live here, but...

Well, he don't any more.

I just took on his name. To carry on the tenancy. I'll be honest,

when I saw the Jag, I thought there might be a few quid in it for me...

but you seem like nice people...

So, where is he, then?

He died.

Three months ago.

Mr Mitchell...

can I call you Phil?

-What does your business mean to you?

-Go away, will you?

All right, cool.

Well, I'm here to learn, and you're the main man, innit?

-Like the king of clubs and me...

-ENGINE REVS

..I'm just like an eight, not even that, like a five of diamonds, really.

So I was thinking...

you know those guys on the door at R & R, I'm as big as them!

So can't you put in a word

or a nod or like a grunt or something?

I know you've got people, right?

Why would I do that, when I've just taken on Ryan?

It's great for business, and I'm good with the ladies.

I've asked you nicely, all right?

There's nothing else! No-one else is taking on! No-one!

-ENGINE STUTTERS

-What you doing?!

-Sorry!

-You stupid idiot!

-There you are! I've been looking for you!

Sorry, Phil, excuse us.

So sorry about that.

Some bits and bobs.

Liver failure, you said, yeah?

Yeah, used to drink a lot of booze.

I think it all started when he was a kid in care, you know.

He went to a good home, didn't he, when he was adopted?

Well, that didn't really work out too well.

They said he went to a nice family.

They all said it was for the best!

What was he like?

Can you stop asking me questions, please?

Was he ever happy?

Or good at anything? He must have been good at something. He must have had some talents.

-What do you want me to say?

-I want you to tell me the truth!

-He was a thief, all right?

A total klepto.

Yeah? He couldn't help himself, he was chronic.

He cleaned me out twice.

He was one of those blokes who was always saying what he was going to be doing...

but it never seemed to work out.

Used to call him Flakey.

I think you better leave.

Sorry it weren't better news.

Just say, we all have different thresholds of feeling comfortable,

and I can't come to the Cotswolds with you, simply because...

Your dad pongs? I can't, Pops.

-You can't, can you?

-No.

-But he does stink, though, don't he, Keith?

Right, she's had a manicure, pedicure, wax, facial...

that is 300 quid, hello!

Right.

This work, it just isn't good enough.

Sorry?

-It's perfect.

-No, it's bodged. I'll accept that as complimentary.

I'm just so stupid.

Why would I jeopardise something so important?

I know you really want this, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

Want another drink?

Go on, then. Another orange juice for the road.

-Just hide!

-What? Why?

-Hide!

Hey! The social worker squeezed us in for Friday, had a cancellation.

Ow! Argh!

Maybe I should change my priorities - you obviously have.

Sy, please!

Two weeks at the most.

Just me...and my husband?

Oh, I see.

Course, yeah. I understand.

Don't feel bad.

Yeah, really soon. All right, then.

OK. All right. Bye.

OK, let's go back to Mum's.

Hey.

If you two still need somewhere to crash...I can offer a sofa.

-Thanks.

-Give me that.

Just be casual at all times.

You got a smartphone? Use it.

You got a gold watch? Check the time.

-For real?

-This is a lifestyle that you're selling, not just a car.

-What's the matter with your neck?

-Nothing.

-That's the best you could do?

-No. He's keen. He's keen.

So have you sold motors before?

No...but I'm a quick learner.

And I'm here to turn over your turnover, so...what you saying?

-You're a hard grafter, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah. You're going to love my work, Maximilian!

I mean...Mr Branning.

-Whatever.

-Yes!

Come on! Right, the things you say...

-Darren...

-I'm sort of in the middle of a master class here.

Darren, everyone has different thresholds...

Right. That's going to have to wait for now.

Not really. You know your dad...

Yeah, I spoke to my mum this morning...

and she ain't got room for the both of us.

So it's going to have to just be me.

I know you was looking forward to it, I'm sorry.

Right. The things you want to look out for in a customer.

-Right.

-Things that'll get them enticed.

-Get 'em in.

-"This is a bargain."

-Bargain!

-"You don't want to miss this."

-Don't miss this.

-"Chance of a lifetime."

-Chance of a lifetime.

-Can you see yourself without this?

-Can you see yourself without this?

-Got it!

500 - 298...

Dad. It's Aunty Janine.

-Presents!

-Can we open them? Can we open them?

-Pleeeeease!

-On one condition...

that Nana Pat says I can stay.

Only for half an hour, OK?

Come on.

How'd it go?

C'mon, what was he like? Ain't Old Bill, is he?

He's dead, Phil!

(He's dead.)

Shirley...Shirley will be back in a minute.

Cup of tea or something?

Please don't be nice, Phil.

Been a weird enough day as it is.

-Why can't anything ever be straightforward, eh?

-I dunno.

Liam.

PAT CLEARS THROAT Cap.

A laptop! Thanks!

Yes!

What do you say?

-Thank you!

-Good boy.

No.

Not you.

Don't kick someone when they're down...

unless you're going to finish the job.

-Oi! What do you think you're doing?! Get out!

-She has got to learn!

Don't do things like that! She's only little!

-Thank you, Janine.

-You're welcome.

No problem. Come again soon. Bye.

DOOR CLOSES

I didn't want to go there today.

-No, we agreed...

-No, you practically dragged me.

If we'd have looked for him when I wanted to look for him...

Say it.

-Say it, Billy!

-All right.

If we'd have looked for him when I wanted to, he'd have still been alive!

We could have met him.

-I could've...

-What?

-Fixed him?

-I could have tried!

-We can't even fix ourselves, Billy!

-We should have been there!

-Don't you think I know that?

Don't you think I tell myself that every minute of my rotten life?!

From the minute that I wake up till I go to bed at night?

Do you think that I need reminding...

..how I gave him nothing. Nothing.

I've never been there for him.

You think I don't know this is all my fault?

-This is all my fault!

-SHE SOBS

It's not. It's not.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Darren says selling is like wrestling a crocodile.

-You got to keep rolling them over.

-Like David Attenborough!

I know. D'you know, I really lucked out with that car lot job.

Something like...supernatural.

-Oh, hello.

-Hi.

-Hey, baby girl!

-I better make meself scarce and leave Arthur to unburden hisself of his good tidings.

-All right, Mrs B.

Listen, you take care.

-Good news?

-Oh, yes!

I got a job at the car lot, which means...we can put down some roots.

Now, look, check this out.

All these studio flats,

they are good to go and they're doing viewings at the weekend.

There's one that you are going to go nuts for.

You know, I think it's in the other room. Stay there.

Taxi!

Can you take my bags?

If the shoe was on the other foot...

I would congratulate you.

Well, you just must be an all-round bigger person than me, Janine.

See that taxi?

It's taking me to the poshest hotel room,

the biggest suite I could find.

Sweet. I'll have my room back, then, won't I?

Hey!

We used to fantasise about this sort of stuff.

I'd rather sleep rough.

-Another final demand.

-That's him.

Looks like Jamie.

My nephew.

This is from the social about his adoption.

-He knew our names.

-Yeah.

And he chose not to find us.

Julie...

..we've got a granddaughter!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Cup of tea?

-No, I'm fine, thank you.

I'll give Alfie a bell, if you like.

-Tell him you're not up to it.

-Life goes on.

They're his memories. They're not mine.

What about his little girl?

There's nothing to stop us looking her up.

I'm going to be late for work, Billy.

You all right, Dot?

That was Arthur's special place.

Now it's probably floating down the canal somewhere.

They've taken my hanging baskets.

Geraniums and trailing Lobelia. Ever such pretty colours.

-Have you seen the state of the gardens?

-Vandals.

I'm only glad that Pauline was spared the heartache.

-Upsetting our community...

-They should be strung up.

-I blame the schools.

-I blame the parents.

If these kids had been taught properly in the first place...

we'd be sitting here on the bench admiring your baskets.

What makes you think it was kids?

Who else would show such disregard for our community, hmm?

Christian...

-Oi, Christian!

-Hmm?

-How much did we drink last night?

-Ugh.

Someone didn't shut the door properly!

Sy, just give me a minute, yeah?

HE SIGHS

You have to tell him, Mercy.

So, why didn't you wake me, huh?

-We did try, Arthur.

-So are these the garms of an executive car dealer?

You look very smart, Arthur.

You all right, Mrs O?

Usually, you're spitting on a handkerchief right about now.

Mercy's got something she needs to tell you.

Merce, you're going to have to hold that thought. It's not great to be late on your first day, is it?

Right, laters!

Arthur...

..I made you sandwiches.

Yeah? What, jam and mayonnaise?

Ah-hah! You see? You see this, Mrs O?

This is why I married your granddaughter. Right, well...

-Nice, all right? Right, laters!

-Bye.

Oi! What are you, five years old?

First, you start with the glasses.

Then you move on to the moustache.

No, you always start with the moustache first.

HE GROANS

-Where's Tommy?

-He's fast asleep.

Oh, thanks, Jean. Where's Kat?

Oh, she's in the kitchen.

Oh, Kat. Kat, come on, sweetheart. Wake up, we've got to open up.

Oh!

Oh, my neck. You were supposed to stop me from falling asleep.

-You look knackered.

-You don't look too hot yourself.

-Thank you.

Listen, guys. I'm sorry, you probably heard Tommy yourself all night.

-Look, you get yourselves to bed.

-I got a pub to open up, mate.

Me and Jeanie can take care of that, can't we?

-I do have a foundation certificate in basic food hygiene.

-What about me, then?

-You?

You've got to figure out how to get a piano on the back of a pick-up.

Look at me, still in my pyjamas.

And you can stop ogling, Tyler.

You're all right. Honest. Kat, Kat...

You've got sick in your hair.

-Hurry up.

-Hold on, I'm going to be sick.

Don't start. We're in enough trouble with Sy as it is.

-How did we get this upstairs?

-I have splinters in unthinkable places.

At least you stopped stressing about the adoption.

Sy's already had to postpone yesterday's appointment. What if I've messed it up, Rox?

Christian, come on. You're going to be a great dad. Any muppet can see that. You see?

No harm done.

A great role model you're shaping up to be.

Oh, hello, Mrs Masood(!)

I pity any children left in your care.

HE SIGHS

EDDIE SINGS TO HIMSELF

41 hours.

That's how long Sean had me up for once.

Brian stormed out in the end.

It was three days before he came back.

I can't let that happen to Kat and Alfie. I can't.

-They've got us, haven't they?

-What can we do?

Get yourself over here.

-Sorry?

-Smashing-looking girl like you should be front of house.

-I wouldn't know what to do.

-Come on. Come on, I don't bite.

Now...

..take the pump in your hand.

That's right.

Just pull it towards you.

I'm pouring my first pint!

If Lord and Lady Muck start moaning, tell 'em it ain't my fault I'm late.

You want to see the state of the gents. It's not asking much

for you lot to mop after yourselves.

-Everything all right, Julie?

-Yeah, I'm fine!

As long as people stop asking me STUPID questions.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Alfie, mate? Can I have a word?

Billy. All right, mate. What is it?

Um...I was just hoping you'd maybe keep an eye on Julie for me today.

She's had a bit of bad news.

We both have, really.

Yeah, what is it? They've put an extra two pence on a tin of beans or something?

Our boy's dead.

Oh... Oh, mate, I...

Billy, I'm... Oh.

Never got the chance to meet him, Alf.

We got there too late.

Billy, I'm so sorry, mate. I'm sorry.

All them questions I wanted to ask him.

I don't even know what team he supported.

Well, it'll be West Ham, won't it? Like his old man.

Turns out he had a little girl.

Stuck in some kids' home somewhere.

What's she like? Bet she's a little Mitchell, ain't she?

Don't know.

We ain't met her yet.

What do you mean, you ain't met her? You have to meet her. Phone the Social Services...

-Alfie, now is not the time, mate.

-Of course it's the time. Now is the time.

You don't want to let her slip through your fingers, do you?

-"Top-drawer antiques," you said.

-Wavy Davy hasn't let me down yet.

She looks like Anthony's ex.

Least it's 'armless. What else you got there?

Two more of her butch mates, a painting of a dog and, er...

..whatever that is.

Oh, Wavy Davy. I'm going to kill him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ain't you going to help me?

How many times have I got to tell you? You the shifter -

me the thinker.

Tally-ho!

I've heard that you're the person to come to if I require some...bric-a-brac.

If by "bric-a-brac", you're referring to my antiques emporium...

-Please, step this way.

-Dorothy Branning, Mrs.

-Now, Mrs Branning, what can I do for you?

-I'm looking for a present for a young friend.

A budding entrepreneur.

I was thinking of something like a nice fountain pen or a tie pin.

I could do you a solid-silver hip flask.

Oh, that wouldn't be suitable at all!

Erm... Here we are. Just the thing for a budding entrepreneur's desk.

Oh, I say. Oh, what a horrible thing!

-Arthur...

-Oh, my goodness. Close your eyes.

-Arthur...

-Close your eyes, man. All right?

Just trust me. Close your eyes, close your eyes, all right.

-Where are we going?

-Just trust me, all right? We're just going to have a nice walk.

-To where?

-Don't worry. Just don't peek. Just trust me and keep walking.

-I need to talk to you.

-Don't worry. We can talk in a minute. Listen, we got a kerb now, OK?

Ready? One, two, three, up! Lovely jubbly. See? You've done this before.

-Listen, you'll love it. I promise. I promise, you'll love it.

-Are we there yet?

Don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look... Look! Look! Look!

-Why are we outside Janine's?

-Because I've just found out that this little yard is up for rent.

-It's not going to happen.

-Think positive, Merce. You know?

If Max keeps me on at the car lot, then we'll soon have enough for a deposit...

What's with the sad face?

-Just promise me you'll listen and don't interrupt...

-Arthur!

-I ain't interrupting, am I?

-Well, Mrs Branning, we're just...

It's all right, Merce. We'll speak later, innit?

I just wanted to get you a little present for your first day.

And I went to the rag-and-bone man, and it was like walking into the House of Horrors.

And then I remembered, gathering dust in my cupboard underneath the stairs, next to the broom...

Jim and me bought it for Bradley's first day at the bank.

It seemed fitting, somehow.

Bradley would want it to go to a good home.

Mrs B...

I don't know what to say.

-Let me have a look at you. Come on.

-All right. OK.

Oh, your tie's crooked.

She's lucky to have you, you know.

What if I ain't enough for her?

Love will find a way, Arthur.

It always does.

I have a flight leaving tonight.

Arthur doesn't know, but I sent an application for him to be a torch bearer at the Olympics...

-Mercy, stop!

-It's easier for everyone if I just slip away without a fuss.

Easier for who?

For you or for him?

I can't break his heart, Gran.

I brought you up better than this.

If nothing else, I taught you to fight for what is right.

Running away like this, it's the actions of a coward.

The battle isn't over, Mercy.

We could write to our MP, to the Queen, to the Prime Minister...

You don't get it, do you? I want to go home.

Every time I walk into that Square, I have to face up to what I did. I married a man I didn't love.

I went against everything I stood for and all for what?

A poxy piece of paper. I have to put this right.

How do you intend to do that?

I have to let him go.

-It's a postcard from Ina.

-Yeah? How is she?

She's taken herself off to Spain for the week, found herself a toyboy who doesn't speak a word of English!

Well, Ina's loss is Lila's gain.

She's been after that flower stall pitch for goodness knows how long...

Stupid thing!

Oi! Julie!

I've got a surprise for you. Well, don't just stand there gawping.

Got Phil's motor's waiting outside. Come on. Chop chop.

Roxy's throwing up and, well... it looks like we have house guests.

-It's a couple of nights until Tambo gets himself sorted.

-Like some water?

Make sure the tea's nice and strong, Amy.

Uncle Christian's feeling a little bit delicate.

Trust me, Amy, Uncle Syed can't make me feel any worse than I already do.

You're going to make a great dad, you know.

Am I?

Sugar?

Strong, moral,

real disciplinarian.

You'll be the one she goes to when she needs her homework sorting out.

-What about you?

-I'll be boyfriends, of course.

That's if you can drag me away from her Hawaiian Barbie.

And if it's a boy?

Then we'll get him a Ken.

I don't know...

Are we really going to make this work?

You and me, we're a team.

And together we are unstoppable.

Ain't that right, Amy?

What is this place?

-Sit down. I've been on the blower to Social Services.

-Why would you do that?

They reckon that under the circumstances...

What are you talking about, Billy?

We're here to meet our granddaughter!

-You are up for this, aren't you?

-Mr Mitchell?

-Yes.

-You'll have to excuse the chaos. We're rather understaffed today.

-No worries. Are you coming?

You've talked to her, yeah? Explained the situation.

-Absolutely.

-So she wants to see us, yeah?

-What you have to understand about Lola is...

-PHONE RINGS

You'll have to see for yourself.

Ready?

Hey, mate. Which one's Lola?

-It's mine.

-That's my Twix, you thieving little skank!

-I ain't got nothing.

-You want me to rip out them extensions? Cos I will, you know.

-Miss!

-I think we should go, Billy.

-Wait.

-Ow, get off me!

-Are you starting?

KIDS: Fight, fight, fight!

Are you starting?

-Get her off me!

-Oi, oi, oi! Let go of her!

Argh!

Get off!

-I'm reporting that mad cow.

-Get your dirty hands off her, you dirty little perv.

-Shut it, you!

-It's all right. I'm Billy and this is Julie.

-Hello.

Lola. We're your nan and grandad.

Don't I get a hug?

Iced bun, please, Marie.

Darren tells me that Tam and Afia are back.

We've said they can stay with us till they sort themselves out.

Have they asked after me?

Give it time, Mum.

Thank you.

Let's just get out of here, yeah?

-You think I care what a couple of pre-pubescents think?

-Queers!

I'll be back in just a minute, OK?

Christian...

Now, this might come as a surprise to you

but gays...

well, they can hold hands...

..they kiss...

..they can even get married if they want to.

That's right -

slink off in your shell suits.

Back to your pregnant girlfriends and your pit bulls.

You want to get down the gym, mate.

Well, that certainly got the juices flowing, didn't it?

She's a child, Christian. She's not a poster girl for gay rights.

Sy!

You got any fags?

We don't smoke.

-Well, it ain't so bad, is it, this place?

-It's full of crackheads!

Who are your mates?

Er, well...she cuts herself and the other one barks like a dog.

We were sorry to hear about your dad.

Oh, don't be. He's a waste of space.

She don't say much, does she?

Are you all right, love?

We've only just found out about your dad. It's a lot to take in.

Well, he ain't worth crying over. Trust me.

There you go, just need a bit of salt and vinegar.

So, is this what I've got to look forward to?

Sitting in my pyjamas at two in the afternoon?

Don't worry, it won't always be like that.

Only for the first eighteen years or so.

Alfie, I love him with all my heart.

I love him so much.

But sometimes I think he's going to hate me.

What would you say that for?

Cos of what's up here. I'm never going to leave his side, am I?

Nah. Might be a problem when he starts pulling birds, though.

He won't be pulling birds. He won't have a girlfriend, he's got his mum.

How's that going to work on his eighteenth birthday, eh?

Can just see you slinking into the bar with your leopard print skirts on,

with slap on and all your lipstick and trying to pull his mates.

And you know what, though, Kat?

He'll be the proudest son in the whole wide world.

You mark my words.

He hated you, you know.

Wouldn't worry. He hated a lot of people.

What was he like?

The Old Bill knew him better than I did.

We did try and find him.

It's a bit late now, ain't it?

Shall we go?

See you, Grandma!

I'll, er...see you, then.

Jean Slater's geraniums have been scattered halfway down Bridge Street.

Now can I count on you for decisive action, Mrs Olubunmi?

-I'm sorry?

-Jean Slater's geraniums!

And there was me, thinking that you were an upstanding member of the community.

GRACE SOBS

Ooh... Ooh, er...

Whatever's the matter?

-It's Mercy.

-What about her?

She's leaving, Mrs Branning. She's leaving today.

-So if you step this way, this baby goes from 0 to 60 in less than ten seconds.

-Oi! What're you doing?

-You're not qualified.

-I don't have any time to waste.

-I'll show him the furry dice

and the window wipers. That's it, I swear.

All right. I suppose around the block won't hurt.

-Be careful.

-All right.

Right, let's get rid of that as well.

Right, my friend. Let's burn some rubber!

Jeanie? Just going to pop out for a few minutes.

No, don't leave me! Something's bound to go wrong. It always does.

-Tyler's here to help.

-Why can't Alfie get out of his pit, eh?

Does he know mad Auntie Jean's been let loose on the pumps?

Alfie's got a few problems at the moment.

What he doesn't need is you and me making his life more difficult. Understand?

Now I don't want you leaving this bar

till Jeanie's mastered the fine art of it.

-Is that clear?

-Yes, Dad.

-Good boy.

I can get you a straw, if it helps.

All right. You don't need my chat about this baby. You seen how it's taken the corners.

How it's purred along like a kitten after a saucer of milk.

-I'd want a discount.

-All right, all right.

We'll talk about that.

I've never seen that woman before in my life.

Get out of the car, this instant!

Why don't we head back to base? And discuss numbers, yeah?

Excuse me.

You are killing me, Mrs B!

HE SIGHS

Finally!

Have you taken something?

-You got to get to Mrs Olubunmi's.

-Why?

-It's Mercy.

-What about her?

-She's leaving for Peru!

-Where?

-It ain't the time for a geography lesson, go on. Get there! Stop her!

Sorry, mate. I've had a better offer. So get out, shut the door. Lovely jubbly.

How about I make us a nice, big bowl of Ogbono?

-Please, Gran...

-Then let me come with you.

Your friends are here - the church...

Who else is going to keep Kate and William in line, eh?

Promise you'll look after Arthur.

I love you, Gran.

Merce?! Mercy! Merce...

-It's too late.

-No. It's never too late.

Excuse me, excuse me! Sorry!

Sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry! Argh!

HORN BEEPS

Stop! Oi! Stop it!

Stop the bus, listen! The bus! Stop the bus, stop the bus!

Look, I just want to see if she's on here, all right? That's all.

Merce?!

I think it's the wrong bus, mate. Sorry about that.

Right. Give me that.

-Mmm! That's it. You've got it, girl!

-Oh!

-Tyler says I'm a natural.

-Is that right?

Yeah. Fix Dad one, please.

Coming right up!

Well, seeing as you've passed my little course with flying colours...

Courtesy of the Eddie Moon School of Excellence.

-It's a stuffed bird.

-A symbol of freedom, Jeanie.

Hope.

Right then, where do you want us to start?

-By clearing off.

-Do what?

-Courtesy of an old benefactor in Deptford.

-Junk yard.

-What are we supposed to do with that?

-Ice creams?

Donkey rides.

Anything you want.

-There's a taxi coming in an hour to take you to the airport.

-Eddie...what are you on about?

-You're going to Spain!

-But we can't just up sticks...

-Stop making excuses.

-Hold on. Let's think about this.

Be all right, wouldn't it? Me, you, Tommy.

Making sandcastles on the beach for the first time, eh?

-Who'll look after Jean?

-She's capable of looking after herself, thank you.

Come on then, Alfie. Before they change their minds.

Start packing!

Oi, Kat... You ain't bad for an old bird, either.

Thanks(!)

What's that for?

For bringing this family back to life.

-I'm sorry, Arthur.

-We had plans.

Our own place, holidays. A future...

But it wasn't real! Me and you...

it was pretend, wasn't it?

Not for me it wasn't!

You deserve somebody who loves you for the funny,

sweet, beautiful young man you've turned into.

I can make you love me. Just give it time, all right?

You know, I'll get rid of the hoodies, OK?

I'll go back to college. I'll even read the Bible if it means that much to you.

-I'm sorry, Arthur.

-Don't say that!

Don't say it like it's over!

Whoever gets to spend the rest of their life with you... is a lucky girl.

I just...

I just wish it could have been me.

You know, I would have given up everything for you, Merce.

I would have given up my friends,

my family.

I don't even know where Nigeria is on a map but I would've found it.

I would have found it for you.

I would have done anything for you, Mercy.

Cos you're the one I wanted to grow old with. Grow a belly with...

-go grey together.

-You're my best friend, Arthur.

-I'm your husband.

So, look, just give me one last chance.

Goodbye, Arthur Chubb.

I don't think I can do this on my own, Merce.

You're not on your own.

I'll never forget what you did for me.

Merce...

Fats has got your back.

Always.

MUSIC: "Lose Yourself" by Eminem

# You only get one shot

# Do not miss your chance to blow

# This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

# You better lose yourself... #

MUSIC CONTINUES INSIDE

-No, no...

-Excuse me.

-I can start today, I'll do anything...

Oi, excuse me, do you know Billy Mitchell?

Oi!

Hello?

MUSIC: "Lollipop" by The Chordettes

-AFIA:

-Sorry! It's nearly dry. Most of it.

I thought parents were supposed to be selfless.

By the time that social worker comes tomorrow,

-I'll have ticked every box in the adoption rule book.

-In one day?

Listen, we deal with this list...

sort out every...complication,

then the only ones that can mess this up

are you or me.

See you later, guys.

AFIA SINGS ALONG TO "Lollipop"

Hello?

Hello?

I said hello! If it's not too much trouble, I'd like a phone charger.

I've sold out, all right?

-So what's this then?

-D'you know Billy Mitchell?

-Only to the untrained eye,

-it looks like a phone charger.

-What, am I invisible?

Are you lot braindead, or what? I am not interested in phone chargers or in Billy Mitchell

or in Nigeria for that matter, or in this nasty, brop-down stall, OK?!

Oi, oi, oi!

-Have you seen my wallet?

-No. Why, do you think I nicked it?

Hardly worth it. Oyster card and a signed picture of Jordan.

I'm going to go to work.

I know you didn't mean what you said yesterday.

-I know.

-First time we've gone to bed on an argument.

It's fine. I've forgotten it.

Julie.

I know we never got to know our boy, but...

at least he left us something.

A ray of hope.

Lola.

What, the kid that told me our son hated me till the day he died?

That little ray of hope?

That constitutes aggressive and abusive behaviour. I'm going to have to issue a formal warning.

You know what? Don't bother! Cos I'm done, all right? Done!

Don't be late, right? I've sorted you out. I know you got dumped, but I've got a train to catch.

You know what? Get out my face, bruv!

No, Bernadette, I dumped him.

Yeah, cos he's a loser.

I know you, don't I?

Do you mind?

Molly? Nah, nah, nah, it's Sally, innit?

Um, I'm going to have to call you back.

You go my school, don't you?

Soz! Must have you mixed up with someone else.

All right? Do you want some of my sausage?

-You're not shy much, are you?

-See you around.

MARKET HUBBUB OVER CONVERSATION

Morning.

Zainab! Masood!

I need to talk to you about the adoption.

Ian's brought you this.

Yeah, it's your stock. Some feral child was filling her boots.

And I brought you this. It's your favourite -

breast, hot and spicy.

I know you're...

you're thinking your life's over. I mean, why would anyone want you

after all the terrible things you've done?

Yes, well, he ain't like you, Ian.

I mean, all he's done is offer his heart on a plate,

tear down his defences, expose his weaknesses,

had it thrown in his face like last night's fish-and-chip wrappings.

Boy...wow!

-She weren't worth your love, Arthur.

-Love?! You know what?

That is a lie invented by billionaires that make Valentine's cards,

the couples-only hotels, the romcoms...

-Ian!

-Love!

Look, I'm just telling him what I told Peter, OK?

Women aren't the sweet, pure, innocent creatures that they make out...

Ian Beale!

I'm going!

I lost her, like I lost the stall.

I'll put the kettle on.

Dad.

Everything OK?

Not really, no. You know how things are between your mother and I.

-We don't need your boyfriend making things worse.

-Christian?

Unless there are more of them you haven't told us about.

Dad, look, why? What's he done?

Shouting our business... YOUR business in the street.

This adoption is between you and him. Don't get us involved.

-I'm sorry. I'll tell him.

-Actually, why bother?

Whatever Syed wants, Syed gets, regardless of who gets trampled.

-Get what I want? Me?! Is that what you think?

-It's what I know!

As long as you two are happy, everyone else can go to hell.

That's without admin fees and furniture... Two egg rolls, please.

It's never easy starting out.

We're fine.

I've taken good care of the Argee Bhajee.

How was your honeymoon?

Magical, thanks.

-Your shirt needs ironing.

-It's supposed to look like that.

Zainab.

-Afia, Tamwar, happy honeymoon?

-Magical, thanks.

A hug for your father?

A new marriage, a new start?

All right, bruv.

One of your rudeboys?

No, it was...it was Darren.

It's just that Max wants me at the car lot, otherwise he's not going to give him his time off.

But what about his father's procedure?

I mean, if Darren don't cover for him, he'll lose his job. It's time to put selfishness on one side, Arthur.

Yeah, but I'm not in the mood.

Not in the mood?! What would've happened if we'd said during the war?

That job is exactly what you need.

It'll get you out of Mrs Olubunmi's hair when she gets back.

I mean, you're so good at that pit-patter, Arthur.

I'll iron you a shirt.

Jay saw me come in. I thought he might pop in.

Darling, next time you see him, you will look a million dollars.

Nothing will make you feel better than watching him kick himself. Promise.

Want to buy a phone? Tenner to you.

-That's mine!

-Oi, oi, missy! Oi!

Oi! Oi!

-Oh, hello again.

-Jay!

Where's Syed?

Syed!

-OK, I borrowed his phone. He's not sick.

-How could you even let me think that?!

Because I needed to get you through the door?

-You're a sick man!

-Apparently.

-I don't have time for this.

Oh, no, cos you've got all that family to take care of, haven't you?

There's me thinking Shabnam was a thousand miles away...

..and there's Tamwar...

-all cosy on my sofa...

-He's a married man! It's his choice.

..and then there's Masood, exiled to the B&B.

Admit it, Zainab, without your family, you're nothing.

You've got a nasty mouth, you know that?

-Coming from your forked tongue, I'll take that as a compliment.

-How dare you?!

Sorry, love!

You're going nowhere.

Right, she says you're her grandad. Are you?

What are you doing here?!

-Stealing Abi's phone, that's what she's doing!

-Oh, no, Tan,

-you're mistaken.

-I was giving it back, not taking it.

Right. It's only cos she's yours

-that I'm not having her done for theft.

-Thanks.

-Right, so are you her granddad?

-Yep.

-But that means we're family!

Jay, d'you mind?!

That could've been awkward. Is incest illegal?

-Did you steal that phone?

-I borrowed it.

Why aren't you at school?

I rang in sick. Well, my social worker did. Sort of.

-And what about the home?

-I rang them and all. Well, you did.

That's why I borrowed the phone. Thought I'd suss this place out.

And rob our neighbours blind?

-I ain't a thief!

-Right, look, look, why don't you put the kettle on, eh?

Me and your nan, here, we'll have a little chat.

Oi, Pops!

How else do you think I'd find where you live?

-Wait till Syed hears!

-I'm doing this FOR him.

What, making me hate you even more?

You really do, don't you?

No, I don't hate anyone.

It goes against everything that I believe in.

-I do not hate gays.

-No, just this one.

And your gay son, of course.

I pity them.

They will never know the joy of a normal family life.

-CHRISTIAN LAUGHS

-What, like yours?!

Cos that's funny, innit?

Funny how gambling's a sin until it's your old man doing it.

You pick and choose the bits of your faith that suit you best.

My faith is about family,

my faith is about forgiveness, but then how can you forgive someone

who doesn't admit that they've sinned?

And us adopting is one of those sins, is it?

No, I have nothing against adoption.

I think it is one of the most selfless acts possible.

Then why won't you support us?

Beca...

I do not understand how...

..how a loving and generous woman

would stand in the way of something so good.

Because it is wrong, all right? It is wrong!

And it's got nothing to do with religion, or the law, or Allah,

it is about nature!

A man and a woman are supposed to make a baby.

If you choose to be gay,

then you choose to forego that right to have a child!

Even if it denies that child a loving home, a family?

It would be better off that way! It is sick, Christian! It is wrong!

Do you know what, get out, all right?!

-I've heard just about as much as I can stomach off you.

-Really?

No. No. You wanted to hear me out, now you hear me out!

If you won't even talk about it, what is the point?

Here you are, look.

Ta.

Can I have a bit more sugar?

You'll get a pot belly.

-(She's trouble, Billy.)

-She's got spirit.

Just like we used to have, before we got it drummed into us that we'd never amount to anything.

But her, Lola, she's going to be different.

Me, you and our little boy...

it would've been brilliant.

I got my second chance with William and Janet.

Don't you see? Lola is OUR second chance.

The best thing we can do for that kid is send her back to the home.

CRASH FROM KITCHEN

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY

Brilliant, nice one(!)

OK, forget about homosexuality for a minute. Why don't we talk about you?

You can't blame the world's sins on me, love!

Oh, but you are hedonistic, selfish, rude. You and that banshee you run around with.

You should've married her!

Oh, what, cos Syed's some choirboy that I corrupted?

He was a conman! He sold properties that didn't exist. He even tried to rip you two off.

That's none of your business.

-Think I was the first bloke he slept with?

-Shut up!

He's just a good liar cos you taught him well.

A devious, gay conman. Congratulations!

Zainab Masood, mother of the year.

Fine, you prove me right, then.

You tell me what child deserves parents like you two?

Well, at least we're still together, love.

This little waif will arrive, and then you'll want to go out

drinking and dancing and screeching with that girlfriend of yours.

-What then, huh?

-You really think you've raised perfect kids, huh?

You're tapped!

Don't you lecture me on parenting.

You don't even want a child, you just want an accessory.

You want the next big thing, the one thing that you can't have.

You think if Syed wasn't Muslim, you'd have been so desperate for him?

You mean if you hadn't made him a suicidal mess just because he fell in love

with a man?

Your hypocrisy stinks!

Religion does not make you a good parent,

neither does being straight, white or having a degree. You just do your best, Zainab!

Surely you understand that better than anyone.

Sometimes...it isn't enough.

What if we're really good at it, eh?

What if being a family is the making of Sy,

the making of both of us?

You can't experiment with children's lives.

If every parent had to prove they were capable,

you know, no gambling,

family rifts, affairs...

And what if you two...don't change?

Is that how little you think of your son?

Zainab, I am not asking you to forget your faith.

I'm just asking you to give Syed what you've always had.

A chance to be your own person...

..not your outcast son or my...

..or my Muslim boyfriend.

Just Sy.

Surely he deserves that?

What you said...

That was unfair. You know the sacrifices I've made.

For Christian, yeah. I hope he was worth it.

No, for all of you.

I didn't know he was going to talk to you. If he'd have told me...

You're about to become parents! You should be agreeing about...

What, like you and Mum?

Whatever mistakes your mother and I made,

-we did the best we could for our children.

-You don't think

-we're ready to be parents.

-It's not about being ready!

-Two men never will be, right?

-Keep your voice down!

Anyone would think you're ashamed!

Dad!

Of your gay son.

Or maybe it's his big, gay boyfriend that really offends you?!

-No, I am SICK of people ignoring me!

-Would you be quiet, Syed?!

What is the matter with you?!

Is that why you're doing this adoption, to get attention?

Don't be ridiculous!

You know, I thought it would be nice if I could just talk to you about this.

Other people have children, their parents are excited,

they can't wait to be grandmas, grandads.

Yeah, well, I'm sure the two of you will cope.

It's not the same though, is it?

When Tam and Afia have your grandchild, it won't be the same.

Because they'll have created it themselves! A man and a woman,

a mother and a father.

Look, you've chosen your path.

-Oh, that again!

-Syed, what do you want me to say?

That it'll be all right!

That I'll be all right.

That two men can bring up a child just as well as a man and a woman.

I thought it was a done deal.

Social Services, the red tape...

No, not yet.

Me and Christian took Amy out yesterday.

These kids started calling us queer, you know, the usual.

-MASOOD SIGHS

-Syed...

Who'd want to put a child through that?

Not everyone's open-minded. Some people are just...

Ignorant.

It doesn't bother Christian.

He just ploughs on.

I've got all these questions,

but he's just so sure we're doing the right thing, I just get caught up in it.

He's so strong. I just don't know if I...

Look...

however much I don't like it,

I know you've had to be brave.

Accepting what you are, that's strength.

I wish.

You know, you saying I get what I want all the time...

..it's not true.

You know, sometimes...

Sometimes I just keep the peace.

Are you saying you're only going through this adoption process

because it's what Christian wants?

That's not what I said!

He knows more about this gay-rights stuff than I do,

it's like if he really believes it, the reality doesn't matter.

There's me calling you brave

when you only dance to the beat of Christian's drum!

You and mum always say relationships are about compromise.

Syed, you'd better decide what you want, before it's too late.

-You haunting me?

-Do I look like a ghost?

-You on your way to court?

-What? Speak English, girl!

The tie!

Well, if you must know, I'm a car salesman.

-Where?

-You ain't coming.

I'm just walking. Since when was there a law against walking?

Well, there's a law against STALKING, OK? So go home!

I ain't got a home. Orphan, ain't I?

I'm in care.

So, do you think I look like Cheryl Cole?

More like Ashley Cole.

I knew you reminded me of someone! Perfect couple then, eh?

They were divorced.

Doc, you're not going to believe this, but Zainab's on side!

-She said that?

-I know, it's surreal, isn't it?

Now all I need to do is marry a millionaire, then I can afford the deposit.

I suppose Masood's in no position to help, but maybe I can now Zainab's given her blessing.

Let me give you the deposit. Pay me back in instalments.

Why would you do that for us?

Aren't we all family now?

Doc, I could kiss you...

but I know you wouldn't appreciate it!

I'll tell the agent!

I can't wait to tell Sy!

I owe you!

-Right, well, I won't say I'll miss you.

-Cheers.

Oi! Lose the groupie, will you?

Make sure they're polished by the time I get back.

I could wash the cars. Fiver each.

Two pound.

2.50. Need sponges and that, though.

HE LAUGHS

Right, I won't beat around the bush. Syed and...

Syed's home...

will soon be too full for extra guests.

Wow. So you're OK with them adopting now? Why?

Even taking your mind-blowing 180 into account, how is this any of your business?

I think that you should come and live here.

And the stuff my auntie said about you and my dad?

A misunderstanding.

A hurtful untruth.

Cos if that is true, I wouldn't even have a cup of tea in your house, let alone move in.

-And I wouldn't blame you.

-We've got money in the bank, OK?

We've got thousands, actually,

and a sense of independence that's rarely seen among Generation Y.

What Tam means is...

we have options. A place of our own...

Which would be very expensive.

Or we could stay with Syed and Christian.