24/07/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

You all right?

Yeah.

-Hi. So, will I be seeing you tonight at R&R?

-Yeah, we'll be there.

-Great.

Who does she think she is?

-Pat, where you going?

-To have a word with Princess Janine.

Pat, don't start anything!

What, me?

Pat...

Just getting into the party spirit.

-Must have cost a bit.

-It's hired.

I'm surprised you ain't cancelled that party. Seeing nobody's coming.

Oh, they'll come. You don't want to miss out on all the fun, do you?

We don't need your sort of fun. Had enough to last a lifetime.

-Ricky could do with a good party, couldn't you?

-We're staying in tonight. With cake.

For the kids. We all went to see Bianca yesterday for her birthday.

-I didn't know.

-Didn't think you'd be interested. You ain't been concerned about your family lately.

You don't know what I've got in store for you.

If it's anything like what you had in store for Lydia, I don't want to know.

-I loved my grandma.

-Oh, yeah? Is that why you helped her on her way?

You don't believe that?

My Granny Lydia was the only person that really understood me, you know.

-Who knew me. And accepted me for what I was.

-What about me?

-Don't let her suck you in.

-I'm talking to my brother!

It's all right, Pat. Just leave it.

Come on, Ricky. You don't believe that, do you?

Come on, Ricky.

You're all I've got left.

I suppose innocent till proven guilty.

So...come to the party tonight

and I will show you what the real Janine is made of.

I dunno. I might.

Nice bit of bling.

-D'you fancy a ride?

-Yeah! Thank you! Wooo!

Come at nine. You won't regret it.

Oh, what a racket. I can feel one of my migraines coming on.

You know, that girl, she went off the proverbial rails, so to speak, long ago.

I've never known pound notes bring people the happiness they think they will.

Still, she didn't have a very good home life, you know.

Mrs B, that ain't no excuse for knocking off your grandma.

-I think you're going soft.

-I ain't making excuses.

But you know me...

I don't cast aspersions.

I mean, we don't know one way or the other, do we?

But what I do know is that people need a little kindness and mercy...

Will it ever go away?

I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said it would.

And I don't tell lies.

Whitney and Lauren keep saying I'll get over her.

You don't get over emotional upheavals that easily.

But I've found that it does help if you try to weave...

well, there's a poem what always helps me.

Joy and grief are woven fine, a clothing for the soul divine.

Yeah, but I don't want to forget her, Mrs B.

Of course you don't. She's your lawful wedded wife and you love her.

You've got to grieve.

Well, think that's fixed it, you know. Safe to sit on now.

Thank you ever so much, Arthur.

It's OK. Was nothing.

Weren't nothing to me. I've had this set of chairs for 30 years.

-You better get off home.

-Yeah. Haven't got much of a home left now.

Don't suppose you have.

It's people what make the home, isn't it?

Not the bricks and mortar.

What did you have for lunch?

Same as usual.

Must have been the sight of Janine in the car.

Greg's dreams might've come true?

No. I'm not.

-You sure?

-I'm not.

DOOR SLAMS

Honey, I'm home.

Hello, darling, you all right?

Ta-da!

No, no, no, Pat. It's all right.

So...you didn't find anything then?

Two ads in the paper. Table dancers.

You on a table!

-Something'll turn up, darling.

-I think I might have to go back to Dubai.

There's no jobs here, Pat!

The kids can't cope again without their mum and their dad.

Carol can help out with the kids, can't she?

Here I come, here I come, here I come!

-Impressive.

-Just getting into my stride. Just getting into my stride.

What are you trying prove with all this?

-You're getting your hire money, what's the problem?

-I ain't got a problem.

I ain't got ten ton of feathers and 20 crates of cava to get through on me own, have I?

Well, worst case happens...

she's got me to help her out, innit.

Least you got one friend, Janine.

Look, don't worry. They'll be queuing up round the block.

Trust me. Look, they ain't gonna know what hit 'em.

And your party is gonna go down in Walford's history!

History...history...history...

history...

Can't stomach it.

Why don't you just admit it was you?

I didn't have a choice.

Why don't you just pop round the corner then, eh? Join the Old Bill?

You might as well.

Oh, no, sorry, sorry you can't, can you?

Cos you've got a criminal record!

I thought I was doing it for her best.

What, being grassed up by her own nan?

Carted off back to that home?

-Cos she likes it there, don't she? That's why she ran away.

-All kids run away.

Not if they're happy, they don't!

Happy? How can she be happy here with us in a squat?

-I love her, all right?

-You love her? You love her? You don't even know her.

She drove a motor through Beale's chippy window, that's enough to make anyone love her.

-She's got you wrapped round, hasn't she?

-What's the matter, Ju?

-Lola giving you a little run for your money, is she?

-Like I'm jealous of a 15-year-old.

-You all right, Fats?

-Yeah...

-I passed!

-Did you?!

-Yeah!

-Did you?! That's amazing!

-What? What did you pass?

-Her theory test.

-Maybe you should retake yours.

-Give me a break, Mr Chip shop.

Maybe you could learn how to use 'em.

Do you know what, it makes me feel sick, what she did to her grandmother.

-I dunno. Did you ever meet Lydia?

-You're a happy bunch, aren't you?

Aren't you in the party spirit?

Oh, well, never mind. I'll just have to take my car and go into the West End.

-Bye.

-Just such a shame to waste these, though.

-What?

-Two tickets to Las Vegas.

-Really?

-I'm going to be raffling them tonight.

Accommodation at a top casino. Pool. Burlesque dancers.

There's even talk that Tom Jones is going to be performing.

-Sunshine all day and party all night.

-How much are these raffle tickets?

What are you getting her involved in now?

I'm raffling tickets to Las Vegas, Pat. You should buy one.

I can just see you there. In the Palms with all your ruffles and feathers.

What are you playing at, Janine?

Nothing. But if you don't fancy it you know, there's loads of other fabulous prizes for everybody.

What about you, Fats? You up for a free drink, party all night?

Yeah, you know what, Whit, I'm not really feeling it, you know.

Fats!

You're getting old before your time.

Don't be so rude. Mind your manners, Lauren.

Mind you, I think these young girls

in their youthful wisdom might be right.

Well, maybe.

I'm sharing my luck, Pat.

Like you told me to.

You should buy one for Ricky.

If you get him there tonight, I know that he's going to win something very special.

Ricky lent you money for Lydia's funeral. He shouldn't have to buy a ticket off of you to get something.

HONKING Everybody! The prizes will all be revealed tonight.

CHEERING

Roll up. Roll up. The raffle ladies are here.

Here, Kim, Kim. How much is it for a ticket?

You're not going to be able to hide it for long.

Why don't you want to tell him?

Cos I feel better now, don't I?

Look, Greg wants a baby so much, I just don't want to get his hopes up, not till I know for sure.

You better find out then.

I will.

When?

It's natural to be nervous, innit?

-I hate being pregnant.

-It's not like you got to go through it alone.

-Not with wonder Greg.

-Didn't think you had much time for him.

-I wouldn't say no.

-You wouldn't say no to any bloke.

I would him.

-Sorry I'm late.

-You have still got a phone then?

Yeah, sorry. Just been a crazy day.

Sorting out Fatboy's kamikaze work ethic. Do you want another?

Roll up, roll up for the hottest party in town tonight.

Yes, here in Walford.

All the free bubbly you can get down your neck. Tunes.

These sexy ladies shaking their booties. Guaranteed prizes.

And of course...

..Moi! So! Who's going to be the first, eh?

Come to get a raffle ticket, have you?

What's all this in aid of, Janine?

I'm entitled to enjoy myself, aren't I?

Why don't you have a little drink and enjoy it too?

While your brother's at home at his wits end wondering how he's going to pay his bills?

-Your bills.

-It's for his family.

So what, am I expected to pay for Ricky's kids now?

Families look after each other.

Just like we've always looked after you.

How do you know what I'm going to do?

I haven't even got all the money yet.

It's still in probate.

So why are you wasting it all on cars and on parties?

Come on, wouldn't you? If you were my age.

If you had one ounce of feeling you'd be with your brother right now making plans for his future.

And just drop everything, shall I?

Just cancel the party. Let all this go to waste and trot on over to yours because you said so?

Why would you rather be in a room full of people you've conned

with some raffle ticket scam than with your own brother?

How do you even know it's a scam?

You are so stuck in a groove, Pat.

But I'm not. Because I am young, and I am rich and I'm enjoying it.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

But if you want Ricky to benefit then use your influence to get him here.

Then what? You going to have a personality transplant and share your millions with him?

Ricky!

So could you come over? Yes...that's great.

I'll see you there. Thanks, bye.

-Taking her to a party for free booze ain't going to do much for her.

-She's gotta learn to be strong.

If she never goes out she's never going to meet anyone, is she?

She never meets anyone, we're gonna be stuck with her even longer.

Look, she needs our support. She's lonely.

-You are coming out with us tonight.

-I got this for you. Go upstairs and pee.

I'm not gonna do it now, am I?

Do it when you're ready.

Here we go.

-No, not that one. I ain't sorted it yet.

-Well, sort it then.

I can't show the social Lola's room with all this messing it up, can I?

Come on, Julie.

You, me, Lola, it's our family, innit?

-Yeah, well, I like you and me.

-It ain't going to take away from you and me.

You're going spend all your time making sure she doesn't get into trouble.

What, like I did with you?

Come on. Look, it's just tat.

You gave me that.

Yeah, I...I know.

I'll get you a better one.

-Forget it. Let's go and have a drink.

-No, no, I wanna finish the room.

All right then. I'll go to the club on my own, shall I?

-We'll just do this and I'll go up there with you in a bit.

-I'll see you at the party then.

Roll up, roll up!

Tonight's the night!

Get your groove on.

Come on, Vanessa, let down your hair!

-Didn't expect to see you here.

-Neither did I. You go on ahead, I'll catch you up.

-Max not fancy it then?

-He'll be along in a bit.

Stuck dealing with some fussy customer who doesn't understand what out of hours means.

If you're thinking about going on another binge, you ain't coming anywhere near our house.

Don't worry. I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.

Wooo!

Here she comes. Let's hear it for Janice!

It's overkill. We've already seen it.

-Can we go in now?

-Looks like the entertainment's started already.

-I am so sorry to keep you all waiting.

-Let us in then.

-OK, fine.

Greetings, my fellow Walfordonions.

I am so grateful to be able to give something back, you know,

to the place I grew up.

And to all of you beautiful people in it.

Let's party!

Yeah, party!

I hope she's not a one bottle wonder.

Let's find that guy, find that girl.

Let's move tonight! Yeah! Loving your look, loving your look.

Come on in, let's get on the dance floor! Get on the dance floor.

Party, party, party!

Party!

-How you doing? Yeah!

-Dunno about Vegas - looks more like a knocking shop in here, ain't it?

That's why she let you in here. Complete the picture.

Reckon you'd fit in better.

-And you'd know, would you?

-Didn't till I saw you.

-I'm just here to add the class.

There's more in that glass of cava.

-I wouldn't know.

-You wanna dance?

-Yeah.

Come on, you two.

Up on your feet, up on your feet.

Come on, come on, come on.

No, no, no... Max!

Yes! Get moving, get moving!

Not drinking? Not like you.

Thought you were never going to come.

Well, here I am.

I think I might be pregnant.

Whose is it?

It shouldn't be anyone's. I've been on the pill.

-Devious little cow.

-But I'm late.

I'm late. And I've been ill.

Been sick ill. Like I was with Abs.

Greg obviously don't know you're on the pill, does he?

It's not funny.

Am I laughing?

Couldn't just stay away, could they? We shouldn't have got a doorman, we should have got pest control.

Kim's moves never fail.

You want a line?

We've done it!

-We're pregnant! We're pregnant!

-Congratulations, maybe, then.

We're gonna go and do a test. You'll be all right if we go?

Course I am. Can look after myself. Good luck.

One, two, three!

You never stop trying, do you?

You look like you need it. What's the matter?

Your knight not so shining any more?

-Have you nicked my drink?

-Why would I do that? It's free, you muppet.

-Watch it! You're making me spill my drink.

-What do you think you're doing?

-I fancied a night out.

-How did you get past the bouncer?

-Cost yer.

-You can't stay here.

What you gonna do, eh? Gonna grass me up to the Old Bill again, are you?

-Well, not on my turf. Get yourself in there and sort yourselves out.

-Watch it, oi!

-Is it prize time yet? I'm feeling really lucky.

-Well, good things come to those who wait.

But this is too long, man.

I'll be too mashed to find out what I've won.

I didn't want you to end up like me, Lola. I wanted you to learn the consequences of your actions.

That's why I called them. I panicked. It's no fun having a tag or a curfew.

Getting that itch to nick just for the dirty, petty thrill of it all.

-What did you nick?

-Nothing as big as a car.

-Billy's done some pretty good stuff, though, ain't he?

Yeah, and he's had a tough life. He hasn't always kept it together.

-He's wicked.

-You say that now but you live with someone day in day out...

What? Living together?

Yes. That's what we're trying to sort out.

Me and Pops is gonna have a right laugh.

Billy's kids ain't with him, Lola, because he couldn't cope with it.

-His life's a lot better now I'm in it.

-Be even better now he's got me.

She keeps leaving me messages.

-Saying she's got something for me.

-Delete 'em.

She's my sister, Pat.

-I'm surprised you can still call her that.

-I'm going to go down there.

So she can use you as part of some twisted game she's playing?

She ain't all bad. You ain't perfect.

You can't leave Carol sitting with the kids.

She'll be all right. They're asleep.

-Unless you want to go back?

-No, I haven't finished me drink yet.

-I thought you was never going to get here!

-Came as quick as I could.

As much as I like you, Rainie, it ain't free.

What is your problem?!

Have a bit?

Have a bit?! If I find you or your drugs in here again,

you'll be having a bit with the Walford Old Bill. Now, get out.

-Go on then. Do it.

-I can't.

-I can't look.

-Come on, give it here. Go on. I can do it.

Darling, I'm so sorry.

Thought he could flog gear in the club. Do what you like with him.

We did it. Thanks, Shirley.

I did it for Phil's club. Not for you.

He smelt you a mile off, didn't he?

Don't you dare show your skanky face round here again, or you won't have one left.

You got it?

-All right?

-Yeah.

Well, I hope you're going to give it a lick of paint first.

Ladies! Ladies! Gather round.

Where you going? Don't you want to see who's won?

Nah, I'm going. Good luck, babe.

Have you all got your tickets ready?

-Yeah!

-Is everybody excited?!

-Yeah!

OK, let's get this show on the road.

First ticket is pink number 4! Pink number 4?

It's me, it's me!

Congratulations! You win the runners-up prize.

That is the number for the best escort agency in the whole of Walford.

LAUGHTER

-Advertising your new business, are you?

-Hardly.

This is a green ticket. And the number - 51!

51, 51!

Brilliant. A hundred pounds.

Let's have a look. It's another pink ticket, everybody.

Lauren. Come on.

-Come on, your dad's going to be wondering where you are.

-Let him.

Now we're going to find out

who has got the winning ticket for this wonderful once in a lifetime trip.

Viva Las Vegas!

OK. It's green. And the number is 100.

Anybody?

Oh, that's strange. 100. No one?

Oh! Oh...

Better check this one out.

Let's have a little look...

Oh! Would you believe it?!

What a fix!

Stroll on, will ya, Janine, stroll on.

But the thing is I actually have two tickets here.

And the question is who would I like to take away with me?

And the answer is...

no-one.

That's out of order.

Oh, what did you expect? Come on, Janine wins every time.

And so does her brother! Quick, stop him.

Ricky - that's for you.

Check it for razor blades, Ricky.

No! That's money... Stop!

Ricky, wait! Ricky!

Quick, follow him.

Quickly, drive!

Ricky! Ricky, please!

I'm leaving Walford for good.

Yeah? Well, I ain't stopping you.

I wanted you to have these before I left. I'm going around the world.

You ain't going anywhere.

-I'm contesting the will, Janine.

-So you'll be lucky to get as far as Margate.

Right, young lady, let's get you to school.

I want Dad to take me.

I've got stuff to do...

You go with Nanna Pat, eh? Be a good girl.

Come on, that'll be there when you get home.

-She's no better than she should be, is she?

-What?

That's what Nanna Carol said.

What does it mean?

Nothing you need bother your head about.

Now come on, I haven't got all day.

-When I go back to school in Year Four, can I have a new bag and a new uniform?

-We'll see.

Why do you always say "we'll see"? Is it to shut me up?

If it is, it's not working, is it?!

Stop dragging your feet, Tiff, you'll scuff your shoes.

Holy sunlight, Batman...

Good morning. I brought you some breakfast.

Mrs B...

-what am I doing here?

-Sleeping it off, as Jim used to call it.

Now, he always wanted hair of the dog,

but I'm afraid that you'll have to make do with toast and marmalade.

HE GROANS

Mrs B, what did I do last night?

All I know is that you come banging at the door in the middle of the night

-when all decent people are fast asleep.

-Oh, my days...

And then you come in, and started crying about Mercy.

And you got rather attached to this here sofa and so I thought it best, you know, just to leave you on it.

I'm so sorry, Mrs B.

What for?

Missing your wife?

Come on.

This toast is getting cold

and I for one am ready for the cup what cheers. I'll be mother.

-No time, babe. I've got a cut and blow in five minutes.

-It's important.

-I'm not saying it isn't.

But just cos you're not working today doesn't mean we can all drop everything. We'll talk later.

-Anything else?

-No, just the change.

Come on, then, Carol... do you miss me? I mean, it can't be a bed of roses

working for Phil Mitchell.

Phil...you... a boss is a boss.

At least Shirley and Phil don't make me count the spoons

at the end of every day.

More fool them.

-Honeymoon over, is it?

-That was over day after the wedding.

No, we're all right, mate. We're great... She's just avoiding something.

Women say WE do that, but I tell you what,

they are much better at putting things off than we are.

If we say we'll do something, we do get round to it eventually.

But if they want to put something off... they can just put it off forever.

Come on, then...what's she avoiding?

It's nothing...

Come on...

my best man duties go far beyond the wedding.

if you need someone to talk to, I'm your man.

We've...

we've been trying for a baby.

-Right.

-Um...

We're doing everything it says to do in the books, but...

it's not working.

-Well, they do say as you get older it gets harder.

-I'm not old.

No. But Tanya is.

-Think about it, she won't see the right side of 40 again, will she?

-She's 36!

-Is she?

-Yeah.

-Oh. Oh, sorry mate. Would've thought being in the beauty line she'd have been in better nick.

What are you on about?! She's gorgeous!

You've only been married five minutes.

Just enjoy the "trying to get preggers" bit.

-Yeah.

-Cos once she's pregnant,

she'll swell up to the size of a house,

her hormones'll be up and down like a yo-yo, and you'll be running for cover.

All right, Pat. How's Tiff?

Oh! That girl needs stability. After everything that's happened to them kids over the last year,

I'm surprised any of them have a smile on their face.

Was that a dig at me for going to Dubai?

No, love, course not. You did what you had to do.

But now you're back let's just keep everything normal, eh?

It's my job to provide, I've gotta go where the money is.

Plenty cars round here need fixing.

No, Pat, there ain't.

-She needs her dad.

-And she also needs

stuff for school -

new shoes... And Liam... he needs braces.

-There's a waiting list for dentists on the NHS...

-Hey, hey, we manage.

-Do we?

Oh, you've dropped something...

Are you going back to Dubai?

What choice have I got? What with Uncle Norman contesting the will, Janine can't give me any money.

I've got responsibilities, Pat.

This ticket's for today...

I've booked a cab for lunchtime.

-What about the kids?

-I talked to them last night.

And told them you're leaving?

Yeah...

I said I was going on a trip.

-I didn't say how long for or when I would be back.

-You left that for me and Carol to do.

I'm trying to do what's best for them, Pat!

Come on, don't make me feel any more guilty than I already do.

When I saw he wasn't in his room and the settee hadn't been slept on, I was very worried.

You needn't have been worried because he was on my sofa.

Arthur! You've got a visitor.

Oh, hello, Auntie O.

I've been out of my mind, imagining all sorts!

-I had a few too many drinks last night. I'm sorry.

-You should have telephoned me, Arthur.

I'm so sorry, Mrs O...

What are you doing under there?

He's having a look at my sink.

The water's been running very slow these past few days, and Arthur very kindly offered to take a look at it.

I didn't know what to think - out all night

and missing Mercy like he does.

I have an active imagination. I get something in my head and I can't get it out.

And all the time he was on my sofa...

I'll put the kettle on, shall I? We'll have nice cup of tea. Do take a seat.

-Nearly done, Mrs B.

-Oh, good.

Now, don't give your head a bang.

He's suffering from a hangover...

I wouldn't normally have any sympathy, but under the circumstances...

HE SHOUTS OUT

-What?

-Mrs B!

I'll talk to Norman, get him not to contest the will.

And then go begging to Janine? No, Pat. I'm taking this contract.

It's for six months. Think of the kids!

What do you think I'm thinking of? Me? You think I'm running away?

Taking the easy way out?

No, no, no, that's not what I said.

Ricky, you're a good boy. You always have been.

Let me talk to Norman. Please.

-I want to help.

-I know you do.

I've still got to go and pack...

Hello, Norman. It's Pat...

You all right?

No...!

Where are you now?

Where?!

-We used to have a rhyme for this, what was it?

-Don't ask me.

Handstands was my thing.

"Bow to the King, curtsey to the Queen, show your knickers to the football team..." Then you tip up...

Talk of showing your knickers to the football team...

Is she cheating? She always cheated at games.

You're such a liar. Your go...

-Cheers.

-We were having a roller skating race once,

she knew I'd beat her so she nicked my skate.

-No, I didn't nick that one.

-Oh, what, it just magically appeared on top of the wardrobe, did it?

-You big kid!

-You all right?

See ya.

-Oi, oi...

-What?

What's all that about then?

Just saying hello.

That weren't just a hello. That was like, a chat, a grin... proper friendly.

So?

So... is there something going on?

What?

So a man and a woman can't live on the same square and exchange pleasantries now?

Ian Beale doesn't do pleasant unless there's something in it for him.

-And you were sat with him in the pub the other day...

-There's a law against it now, is there?

Your go.

Denise and Ian sitting in a tree...

BOTH: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

That's very funny. Very mature.

-There you are...

-Pat!

-How are you?

-I'll live.

-What have they said?

I've not been seen yet. Been sat here best part of three hours.

-Are you in pain?

-I was...

It's like something out of a cartoon, isn't it?

-Walking into a garden rake!

-I thought you said you stood on it.

Same difference.

Nurses think it's a joke. They keep walking past and grinning.

They'll be grinning the other side of their faces when I've had a word.

I'm low priority.

It's all par for the course. It's what I'm used to.

-Don't be daft.

-No...it's true.

-And not just accidents. I'm very unlucky.

-We all are.

Some more than others.

Would you be surprised to know that I've been married five times?

Five? Last I heard you'd been married twice.

Well, the toll is now five.

Widowed twice, and divorced three times.

All before the first anniversary.

If that's not bad luck, I don't know what is.

-It's been two months now, Rainie. You've had plenty of time.

-Jobs don't grow on trees.

-I ain't exactly got the best CV.

-You've always got an excuse.

I'm telling you, one more week and that's it, you can go back to Mum's. Sponge off of her.

-Hello.

-You smell of beer.

I can have a drink on my day off. Listen,

How about we get Oscar over at Max's later on.

It's been a while since it was just the two of us...

Darling, I'm sorry, I've been rushed off my feet...

-I was looking forward to an early night. To sleep.

-You considered IVF?

-What?

-Rainie...

I've just seen what lover boy's looking at online...

-Fertility problems? I thought it was so rosy in your perfect world(!)

-I've got three kids, Greg!

How can I have fertility problems?

Thanks, Rainie. Look, I can't stop thinking about it! Yesterday I was hoping...

Yes, I know, darling, but getting all stressed and worked up about it isn't going to help, is it?

Maybe you're shooting blanks.

If she'd wanted him to inherit anything, then she would have said so in her will.

You're the solicitor, just tell him

that he can't contest it! Argh!

-Things not going your way?

-That was a private conversation.

Nothing's private with you, Janine.

Anyway, I heard about your party...

-What about it?

-Ruined.

It's got nothing to do with you.

If you were in any way important to me, I might have invited you.

But I didn't, so just get the message -

-you're not getting a penny.

-Sorry?

Anyone has any good fortune round here and suddenly everybody's got their hand out.

-MOBILE RINGS

-How you and Ricky are related, I'll never know.

-What?

-Janine, don't hang up.

If I get Norman to change his mind about the will...

you'll see Ricky right, won't you?

-Yes.

-You're not just saying that?

No, Pat, look, I promise. I swear. Where are you?

I've gotta go.

No need to amputate.

So what did they do?

Sniggered mainly. And gave me a tetanus jab.

I suppose I should get home.

Chances are I'll be back here tomorrow with a saucepan lodged on my head.

Who was that on the phone?

Sorry... I'm a nosey so and so.

Actually, it was Janine...

..about the will...

Oh, yeah... My dear late mother's last will and testament.

Norman...

there's...

something I've got to ask you.

Oh, I see...that's why you're here.

I suppose she sent you, did she? You here to change my mind about contesting the will?

I'm not here for Janine. It's Ricky and the kids.

She was MY mother, Pat.

Anything she had should come to me.

I'm entitled to compensation for the way she treated me all those years.

D'you know,

I spent my entire life trying to win her approval,

and all I got was the sharp side of her tongue...or a back hander.

I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but...

that woman was a right cow.

She never wanted a son. I think it was as simple as that.

She doted on June.

June was everything. I was just...

I was just treated as something she tolerated.

An inconvenience.

No... I'm sorry, Pat,

that money will put right a lot of past hurts.

Norman, Norman, I know you're entitled to that money but...

Yesterday, you were telling me to contest the will.

-Yes, but...

-No, no, no, no. No buts.

I'm sorry, Pat, but I'm entitled to that money.

-Norman, if you'd just...

-No, my mind is made up.

Hi...

All right.

I just thought I'd say hi.

Or I should leave you alone.

-No...you're all right.

-Yeah, but you're working.

-No, I'm not.

I've...I've just bought it.

-You've just bought a motorbike?

-Yeah. Fella come in, said he'd lost his job...

he didn't really want to sell it, but, I got a good price, you know.

-Have you been for a ride?

-No, it needs fixing up first.

It's the first proper thing I've ever owned.

It's all mine.

This is just like the bike in New Moon where Jacob teaches Bella how to ride.

And then she gets thrown off.

Yeah, and he takes his top off.

I've missed you.

Yeah...missed you too.

My dad would go mental if I was to go on a motorbike.

I've always wanted to travel.

See the Nile and the Sydney Opera House.

You'd blow it all on a holiday?

Oh, and Ricky wouldn't blow it?

Not to mention Janine.

I don't CARE what Janine would do with that money!

Oh, God, I bet your mother is laughing her head off right now -

she's getting exactly what she wanted - everybody at each other's throats.

If Ricky doesn't get some of that money, he's taking

a job in Dubai for six months!

No, no, he won't have to, I'll give him a bit of a hand out.

-Happy?

-It'll be too late!

If you contest the will, Janine will fight to the death.

That's months of court hearings, and Ricky needs the money now!

Forget it...

they're not really your family, anyway.

More mine than yours.

Frank still means a lot to you,

don't he?

Just cos somebody dies doesn't mean the feelings go away.

I owe Frank...

..he's the one who gave me the capitol to start up

-my radio repair shop.

-Your what?

It didn't last long... just a couple of years.

But he believed in me.

I've gone this long without seeing the Nile.

-You don't mean...?

-If I kept my mother's money, it'd only be cursed.

Frank was my best friend all those years ago.

I can't stand in the way of it helping his son.

Really?

Easy come, easy go.

Like I say, Lady Luck was never a pal of mine.

You're a very, very kind hearted man, Norman.

I can see what them five wives saw in you.

Listen, um...

-..how do you fancy meeting up in the week, for a drink or something?

-Lovely.

As friends, mind - don't want any crossed wires, do we?

So what do you say?

I'd say my luck was finally changing.

It's just that it's my busy period here...

Right, and there's no answer? All right, yeah, I'm on my way.

That's the school. Tiff's not very well,

-I have to pick her up. I'll try not to be too long.

-OK, Carol.

I'm not happy about this, Arthur.

I know. But everywhere I look in the flat, I just see Mercy.

It's the same for me. Don't you think I'm missing her too?

Yeah, but Mrs B's offered and...I think she's lonely.

I think she needs someone to look after, you know what I mean?

I'm very fond of you, Arthur... don't be a stranger.

What, me? Auntie O... Listen, all right?

Don't tell her I told you this, but Mrs B's chicken pie ain't got nothing on your Jollof rice.

Can I borrow that? Thanks.

Thought it was you.

-Oh! You stalking me?

-No, I was going to come knock for you,

-see if you fancied a game of hide and seek.

-Very funny.

Having some lunch?

Yeah, thinking about it.

I'm taking a break, if you fancy some company.

Yeah. Look, the thing is, Ian...

people, they're starting to talk about us.

-So?

-I don't like being talked about.

Denise...do you fancy me?

No. Sorry.

You misunderstand. I know you don't fancy me. I wouldn't WANT you to.

I mean, you're my mate.

I think of you like I do Alfie...

-or Greg.

-Oh.

-You're one of the guys.

And mates hang out, they have something to eat together.

I can assure you,

there is nothing sexual about you. I don't fancy you

in the slightest.

Holly's got her nose pierced and it looks great.

-I didn't think you liked Holly any more.

-I do now.

-So, what's been going on with you?

-Nothing.

Just bought the bike.

So...

..d'you wanna get back together?

Do you?

-If you want.

-OK, then.

Come here...

I saw Lola kiss you the other day.

It didn't mean anything.

What do you think of her?

She's all right. She's a laugh.

Not the type of girl you'd have as a girlfriend, though.

-Isn't she?

-Course not.

Jay...

do you think we should...?

What?

Well, I've hated not being with you.

And I love you...

Yeah?

I'm ready.

Oh...well, let's see how it goes, eh?

No, cos...

I want to be with you forever.

And I want us to do it.

Don't you want to do it?

Yeah...course I do.

OK...when?

Umm...

tomorrow?

Have you got...things?

I'll have to get one.

Or I could do it, if you'd rather.

Yeah? All right. Great.

Well?

Norman has decided not to contest the will.

Yes!

I won't ask what you had to do to make him change his mind. Although,

-it's been so long, you must have got some enjoyment out of it.

-Shut up, Janine!

If you must know, it wasn't Norman's idea to contest the will in the first place.

Now, why doesn't that come as a complete surprise?

-You old poisonous bitch.

-He's Lydia's son. He's got more right to that money than you.

No, no, this has got nothing to do with Norman. This is about

you not bearing to see me have anything.

If Norman won he would have shared the money between you and Ricky. That would have been fair.

Fair?

And where does fairness come into this, hmm?

Was it fair that my mum died?

Was it fair that you broke her heart by jumping into bed with my dad?

And was it fair that you turned my dad against me? Was it?

I see Lydia's taught you well. History rewritten...

that's money well spent(!)

Yes. MY money.

Look...I know there's bad feeling between us,

but I don't want anything to affect Ricky.

Course you don't. Can I ask you something?

Go on.

OK,

let's turn the clock back. You just got together with my dad -

or should I say got BACK together with my dad -

he introduced you to the kids. We've got Clare, Diane, Ricky...

and Janine.

Was it at that point that you thought, "Little brat, not going to bother with her",

or did that come later?

I've always been there for you, Janine. You can't say I haven't.

But you prefer Ricky. Let's not pretend that you don't.

He needs me more than you do.

He always has.

Has he?

And what about me?

I needed a mum...

I needed love.

Dad!

Hey! What are you doing here?

Skiving, by the looks of things.

-I've had to fetch her from school cos she said she was ill.

-I am ill!

She perked up soon as she got out the gates.

-I've had to leave Marie on her own.

-Tiff, you have to go back to school, darling.

-She's been signed off sick for the rest of the day.

-Can't you take her to the cafe?

No, Ricky, I can't.

You'll have to have her. Or ask Pat.

No! I want to stay with Dad! I want to stay with him until he goes!

-Goes? Where you going?

-I'm...

Ricky?

I'm...

I'm going back to Dubai.

Dubai? You said you were going on a trip!

-Yeah, I am, darling...

-No!

PAT: 'I've never pretended I'm perfect.'

But I've tried with you, Janine, I really have.

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough.

But there's still time...

-What do you mean?

-Well,

I'll give Ricky some of the money...

..if...you...

-beg me.

-You what?

Go on... How much do you really want your precious Ricky

-to have the money?

-I'm not begging you.

Fine. Then he won't have a penny.

Hang on.

-How much we talking about here?

-Thousands...tens of thousands. I'll will sign the cheque

as soon as the money's in my account.

Come on, Pattie...

how much does my precious brother really mean to you?

-Ricky!

-Dad!

-Ricky, you can't just go and leave the kids!

-Dad!

Janine, stop!

All right,

if you want me to beg, I'll beg!

I'm begging you, please...

I'll get down on my hands and knees!

What you doing? What's going on?

-Nothing...

-Was you making her beg?

Come on, it was only a joke.

Don't play the innocent with me, Janine.

Fine, all right.

She was begging, OK? Begging for me

to share the money with you, which I was going to do anyway, but you know Pat and her grand gestures.

Is this true, Pat?

Norman's not contesting the will. But that's not important, the important thing is

-you don't have to go to Dubai! Janine's giving you money!

-No. I don't want her money.

-Yeah, all right.

-I don't want anything from you! How could you let Pat do that?

-Come on, I was only kidding!

-TAXI HORN

-All right, mate, I'm coming!

-You don't need to go, Ricky!

-Where's he going?

-Dubai! For six months.

Ricky, come on, send the taxi away.

-I was thinking of £100,000. Would that be enough?

-You make me sick!

-I'd rather work till my hands bleed than take anything from you.

-Ricky, don't be stupid!

You think Bianca would take her money? Do you?

And have her lording it up over us, how we spend every penny? You know what,

I might not have much, Pat, but at least I've got my pride!

You never even had any pride.

Yeah? Well, maybe it's about time I did.

-Stop him! Talk to him!

-What can I do?

Do I have to do everything myself?

Ricky...

-What you doing? Ricky?

-Ricky! Ricky, think!

Think of the kids! Think of the start in life that money'll give them!

My kids don't need money.

They just need love, and me and Bianca

-can give them that in bucket loads.

-This ain't right.

-Ricky,

-you're being an idiot.

-I don't want you to go!

I know, darling.

I'll be back by Christmas.

No! Please, Daddy... I'll be good! I'll go to school every day!

Come on, Tiff...

-come on, darling.

-Get off me! I hate you!

-Come on,

-don't talk to Nanna Carol like that...

-I hate all of you!

You happy now?

Pat, can you just tell Liam and Morgan I said goodbye...

I...

I've gotta go...

-Don't worry, I'll look after the kids.

-Ricky...

-Heathrow, mate.

Ricky, your dad would be proud of you.

That's it. We're over! As far as I'm concerned, you don't exist any more!

And I hope that money kills you!

I can't just drop everything can I?

-Oh, Mum.

-All right, darling. What about the girls' dinner?...

-Lauren, you in for dinner tonight?

-No. But I was thinking...maybe we could have a chat later.

All right then but what about Oscar?

I'm sure Bob the Builder can look after him.

-I'll see you at the flat in an hour.

-OK.

Are you going to help me pack this stall up or what?

Oh, all right, Ryan.

Yeah, all right. What are you doing?

Nothing really, just hanging.

Do you fancy joining us for a drink later?

No, no, I've got better things to do, ain't I? Like go to work.

"Nothing, just hanging, you know."

Just shut it, Whitney.

Oh, come on, Lauren, don't be like that.

It's not my fault he's not interested.

-Who says he's not interested?

-Well, he was hardly into you.

Yeah. No, you're right. He's not interested at all.

That's probably why he kissed me at Janine's party.

He kissed you?

Well, it was more I kissed him, I suppose.

No, Lauren! It's behind my back.

And you know with Ricky gone I don't need this right now.

Where are you going?

-Just meet me at The Vic in an hour.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, course.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

-All right.

-Jog on, mate.

All right?

She's ready for her first spin if you fancy it.

-No. It's OK. I've brought you a tea.

-Oh, thanks.

-I've spoken to Phil about tonight.

-You what?

-I didn't tell him we was gonna, you know...

I just said I need to do some work on my bike.

I told him I needed to do some work on my bike

so that we could have that place to ourselves.

All right.

Look. Abs.

I know that it isn't The Ritz, all right? But, you know, I'll make it nice for us. I promise ya.

Did you get the, er...?

Oh, that's all taken care of.

So I'll see you later then?

Right, that's the kids dropped off at Dot's.

Do you want to use the bathroom first?

-I can't be bothered.

-Oh!

Well, let's hope that Norman stands down wind of you then.

How could she do that to me?

To her own brother? To them kids?

This is Janine that we're talking about, eh? What do you expect?

You know your problem, Pat, you're too soft.

Well, nobody could accuse you of that.

Look, why don't you put your glad rags on and go on this date with Norman. You can join me and Eddie.

It's not a date. Besides, I'm not in the mood.

Fine. So you're just going to mope around here and let Janine win, are you?

She already has.

Ricky's off half way round the world. And them kids are left without a mum and a dad yet again.

Yeah, but they've got two nans.

Mm, and the first thing we do is palm them off on Dot.

Those kids are more resilient than you think.

It's Liam I'm worried about.

Boys his age need their dads around them.

Trust me, I know.

Look, I am more than capable of sorting Liam out. Anyway, Ricky's not gone forever.

And Bianca'll be back before Christmas.

In the meantime, we can't put our lives on hold.

So. Are you going on this date or what?

It's not a date.

What do you think?

I think they're gross.

And luckily, that's what the woman who sold them to me for fifty quid thought.

They're worth about 200.

300 on a good day.

So you see, Liam. One man's tat is another man's treasure.

Milk or dark digestives?

-You choose.

-Milk it is.

-Who's that?

-It's Lauren and her latest drama.

-Yes, love.

-Oh, hello, darling.

-Oh, I can't stay. Gotta go.

All right.

Kids, eh? Who'd have them.

Me.

CASH REGISTER BEEPS

Come on, Jay. Go on, son.

-What is it with the birds round here?

-I wouldn't know. I've got a girlfriend.

-Oh, is it.

Don't stop you looking, does it?

-Yeah, it does me, yeah.

-Oh, right.

She must be pretty special then to stop you straying.

-Yeah, she is.

-She must be keeping you sweet between the sheets.

She is putting out, ain't she?

It's not like I don't want to do it.

-Too girly.

-Yeah, cos I feel...

I feel like, ready.

That's just gross.

Yeah, so you think I should then, right?

What do you think?

Oh, yeah, that's nice. What, you got a hot date later, have you?

What about you? You meeting up with Jay later?

SHE SIGHS

You sister and her moods. Honestly, I can't keep up.

What was that all about in the Minute Mart earlier?

-Mum, I...

-Sorry, darling...

-You were saying?

-I'm going to Bernadette's later.

Oh, right. Oh, lovely, that'll be good.

-OK, well, I'll see you later then.

-Yeah.

-I want it to be special for Abi, you know.

-Yeah, of course.

-So any tips, from one slightly more experienced bloke to another?

-Er...

Just think of it like a boxing match.

Plenty of sparring before you go in for the knockout punch.

And of course - always wear the right protection.

Oh, no, Abi's taking care of that.

No. No my friend. Always go prepared.

No matter what they say.

Oh, you not going out after all?

-Yeah, I am actually.

-Oh, right.

Decided to dress down, did you?

-Well, you know what suits you best, don't you?

-What you doing all dressed up then?

Got to keep Greg on his toes, haven't I?

-Eh. Do you want to take me for a ride on your bike?

-Sorry, I can't. I got plans.

-Let me guess. With "Scabbie".

-Oi!

-Gonna take Hannah Montana for a spin, are you?

-Actually, me and Abi have got other plans for tonight.

-What she gonna do, let you touch her bra strap?

-A bit more than that, if you must know.

Yeah, well when she bottles it, just give me a call, eh?

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, what's all this?

I just thought we could make the most of having the house to ourselves for a bit.

What's with the jacket?

I was just going to nip out and get us some wine.

It's all taken care of, darling.

-Great.

-Come on.

All right. Have fun.

No, Anthony, I'll deal with it, all right?

-What's up, Edward?

-Your brother.

-What's he done now?

It's more what he hasn't done.

Let's just say we're in the market for some new premises and quick.

So when are we going back to Upton Park then?

-I thought we could look for some premises around here.

-I don't know what you see in this dump.

But then again...

Looking lovely as always. You don't look too bad, Carol, yourself.

PAT LAUGHS

I think Carol's a bit too old for a chaperone, Pat.

And you're not too old for a slap.

Promises.

I said Pat could join us.

She's got a date with Norman.

-It's not a date.

-It is a date.

-It ain't!

-Stand by your bets.

-Norman. This is Carol.

-Carol.

-Nice to meet you.

-And Eddie.

-Nice to meet you.

-I said we'd join them for a drink.

-I hope that's OK.

-A double date.

-It's like being a teenager all over again.

-Right, what will it be?

And no offence, mate, but you're just not my type.

I mean, don't get me wrong, you're fit and everything, yeah, but

there's plenty of other girls out there would be flattered or whatever

-but you just don't do it for me.

-This is a wind up, innit?

-No. I mean, my mate Lauren might be interested in you.

-What, that moody Emo chick?

-Yeah.

-No offence but she ain't really my type.

-Why? Why, because she's got more than one brain cell?

-No, too much of a nice girl.

I like my girls with a bit more edge, know what I mean?

Lauren.

-All right?

-All right.

-You look nice.

-Thank you.

You all set for your special night? Jay told me all about it.

Still. It's no big deal, really, is it?

Just try not to cry, eh?

And why would I do that?

You really haven't got a clue, have you?

What's the matter? Not feeling up to it?

Maybe you should just go home and play with your Barbie dolls. I'm sure Jay won't mind waiting.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

So I've been thinking. How about we go and see mum and dad at the weekend

and let them know our plans for their first grandchild?

-You all right, babe?

-Hm?

Yeah, fine.

So what do you reckon?

Family outing and all that?

-This weekend?

-Yes. Yeah, sounds good that.

-Sounds great.

-Fab.

What's with the dress?

It's the new me.

-What was wrong with the old you?

-No-one noticed her, Whitney.

Well, in that dress and them boots, can't miss you.

I know, it's very Kate Moss!

Ooh, don't look now, Kate, but your plan's working.

Do you remember that knockdown "classic sports car"

that Frank bought that time?

Yeah, it turned out to be a ringer.

Yeah, but then he found a load of jewellery in the glove box.

Worth twice what he paid for the car!

Frank always was a lucky one. With money and the ladies.

I always remember him being skint and browbeaten.

Give me the choice and I'd take luck in love over money any day.

That's just as well as Janine's swanning around with your inheritance.

You know, I could still try and contest the will. If you want me to.

No. No, if that money means that much to her, then she can have it.

-We'll get by without it.

-Yes, we'll just feed four kids off of thin air.

It must be a great comfort to you, Pat, having such a ray of sunshine as a house mate.

That's good, that!

-Got some customers need serving.

-Yeah, all right. I'm coming.

Couldn't give us a hand behind here, could you? I mean we're rushed off our feet.

-Tracey's got a migraine.

-Me?

-Yeah you.

-Are you sure I won't scare off the customers?

-Possibly.

-I'll give you a hand if you like. It's more my territory.

No, it's all right. I can cope. I mean, how hard can it be? You managed it.

Remember.

Service with a smile.

MOTORBIKE REVS

-Right, just go now, will you?

-Come on. Let's go for a ride. You know you want to.

No. Just go now. Abi'll be back in a minute.

I wouldn't count on it.

I saw her earlier. Looked like she'd bottled it.

-Did you say something to her?

-No. Course not.

What, you didn't actually think she'd go through with it, did you? She's just a scared little girl.

-No, Abi's all right.

-Too scared to ride your bike.

Too scared to do anything.

-I should go and find her.

-Why go looking when you can just stay here and get exactly what you want.

Why's your phone switched off?

Abs, you ain't see your mum anywhere, have you?

Ooh! Hello to you too.

-You all right, Abs?

-Yeah, great.

Right.

Come on. Tell me what's up.

-And I had a screen test once to be Tom Cruise's body double.

-Oh, yeah...

-Yeah, but I was too tall, weren't I?

-I'm gonna get a drink.

-No, no, OK, come on, let's move on. Spot of clubbing.

-It's a bit early for that, innit?

Carol ain't gonna serve me in here, is she? And why stay and watch

my aunt and your grandma slobbering over two old blokes?

So you up for clubbing?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Right.

There you go. Three lagers, one pint...

And two gin and tonic's and a white wine spritzer. Now, that will be...

£19.80, please.

Cheers.

BOTH: Eh!

-Gin and tonic please, Carol.

-Yes.

HE MOUTHS

I need to change the barrel. Be back in a minute.

All right. See, nothing to it.

So how am I doing?

Not bad. For a novice.

You two make a good team.

And I thought it'd be worth something. Like you said, one man's tat is another man's treasure.

Yeah, well, sometimes, Liam, one man's tat is another man's tat.

Where did you get it from?

I should be going.

Liam...

Everything all right?

-Are you really sure you want to go through with this?

-Yeah.

I love him.

You're still so young, Abs.

Well, how old were you when you done it?

Yeah, well, I'm not exactly the world's best role model, am I?

And the first time you done it, was it with someone special?

No. No, not exactly. No.

So then I'm lucky, right?

You talked to your mum about this?

She barely notices me these days.

So, erm, will you buy the condoms for me?

I thought we were going to Shoreditch.

Yeah, why waste time going there when we've got a perfectly good club right here?

-She's quite the party animal.

-Yeah, I don't think it's for your benefit.

-So, what do you think of my new look then?

-What new look's that then?

I saw you looking at me earlier.

I know that you like me.

So why pretend that you don't?

Lauren. Go home.

Oh, what is wrong with you?

You're pathetic!

Fine. I'll just go have some fun with Tyler, then.

-Where is Tyler?

-He's gone, babe.

Lauren, maybe it's time you just called it a night.

Whit, take her home, will you?

-Come on.

-Get off me.

Liam, it's like they say.

Life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

-I prefer cola.

-Well, anytime you're missing your dad, you can always come round and have a cola with me.

What about school?

I think it's best if we keep that between us.

What exactly are you planning on keeping between the two of you?

-Have you been bunking off?

-Go easy on him, Carol.

It says that you've not been to school for three days.

Why haven't you been to school, Liam?

Where have you been instead?

Liam?

-He's been with me.

-What?

-I've been teaching him about antiques.

-Oh, right, so antiques is on the national curriculum now, is it?

-He just needed some time out.

-It's school. The place that we're legally obliged to send our kids to.

-Well, school never did me much good.

-Clearly.

-What's that supposed to mean?

Well, maybe if you'd gone to school a little bit more, you'd have learnt right from wrong.

Do you think I want Liam turning into some drifting, morally-bankrupt chancer?

Now you're just being rude.

What's the matter, truth hurt, does it?

Well, let's see, shall we?

You are a narrow minded, repressed, control freak.

Yeah, I'd say the truth definitely hurts.

You stay away from Liam. And you stay away from me, all right?

Come on, out.

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine. Just stay and enjoy your drink.

You all right?

Quite a piece of work your mate, isn't she?

Look, I'm really sorry about that.

-You all right?

-Me?

I'm invincible.

Oh, is that right?

Careful, you're beginning to sound like you care.

Well, I just don't like to see people taken advantage of, that's all.

Chip?

He's all yours.

What was that about?

Nothing happened, all right.

She just threw herself at me and I just knocked her back.

Nothing happened. I swear to you.

Oh, right, so I suppose you didn't tell her about us then either?

She was winding me up and I just wanted to shut her up.

What, by bragging about what we're going to do?

No. By explaining to her that I wasn't interested.

-Why not? She's pretty.

-She's not as pretty as you.

-Yeah well, she obviously has a lot more experience.

-Doesn't matter.

-Doesn't it?

-No.

I love you.

I love you too.

-Give us a hand, son.

-Right, who's next?

-That'd be me.

-Excuse me!

Have you got ID?

You're joking, right?

You're lucky I don't bar you.

OK, tell you what, why don't you take me upstairs, get me a drink and I'll make...

-Lauren, what was all that? What do you think you're doing?

-Oh, look, it's Daddy dearest.

Are you drunk?

So what if I am?

Service, please!