21/07/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

Pops! Make me a cuppa?

Make it yourself!

The baby wants one!

Yep? You're its mum, ain't ya?

Yeah. He's caught up then, if he's not there.

Yeah, yeah.

Give him 20 minutes. 20 minutes. Yep. Fine.

Hi. Yeah, fine.

What time you dropping my sexy little number round then?

Yeah, I got the readies, yeah. I know, I can't.

I've gotta be at the hospital

for my daughter's appointment this afternoon.

Fine. Yeah. This afternoon.

Good. Yeah.

Oh, come on!

You have a nice lie-in, Ben.

Nothing else matters now, does it?

Cheers, Jay.

Sunday's are just not the same without Dot.

You know, I never thought I'd actually choose to put

Songs Of Praise on.

What are you after, Rose? You looking for a job here?

Nah. Just thought you might fancy the bingo when you finish?

Sorry, darling. I'm having a treatment.

Payback for all this backcombing.

That's all right. Andrew's been dying to take me out.

-You ain't used this birthing ball once.

-Cos I feel like a lemon.

Well, it ain't just about you any more, Lo, is it?

After your run, I thought we could do something.

Just you and me? While it is still just you and me.

No, I can't.

Going to take me ages to put my posters up, then I got work.

What's the point of all this?

There's nothing wrong with being proud of your achievements.

Besides, be something to show the little one, won't it?

Now, you better get bouncing. Get that baby in position.

It ain't going to be long now.

You'll be back in time for the social worker, right?

Lola, you're a big girl now. You can cope on your own.

And no stopping out late. All right? Bye.

-Doing dinner tonight.

-Why?

For my boys. Sort this atmosphere out.

Me and Ben are all right now.

Postcard from Abi.

You've got to get over it.

I have got over it.

Oh, by tearing things up, including vans, says you ain't.

Yes, Andrew told me.

You've got to move on, Jay.

It ain't Abi actually.

HE SIGHS

Lola ain't talking to me,

cos I scared her off when I lost my temper.

And I need her to know it won't happen again.

-She's a good mate, y'know what I mean.

-Come on.

Where we going?!

Fixing things.

Don't know how long it's going to take me. Repairing that van.

Seen my trainers?

Are they those dirty things out in the yard?

I've got football training later.

Look, why don't we celebrate your new business? Go to Southend?

Some of the old haunts, yeah?

Retrace the steps where I first met Hev?

Oh. What about fish pie for your tea? How about that then?

You used to love it when you were little, didn't you?

Remember, I used to cut those fishy shapes out the potatoes.

Whatever, Mum.

PHONE RINGS

What now?!

Mrs Hardwick. Hello, yes? Yes, he's broken down, I'm sorry.

Yes. He apologises. I apologise.

Can I ask why have you got your radiators on in July?

I am the manager, Mrs Hardwick.

Can I call you back, Mrs Hardwick? Yeah. Thank you so much.

I found a little vandal that wants to say sorry to you.

I'm sorry, mate.

Surprised you ain't been round and done some dental work on him.

Don't do temper no more. Try not to. No-one wins, do they?

You're the bigger man Andrew. Hev'd be proud.

A couple of bacon sandwiches please. All right, big fella?

-All right.

-You ready to be put through your paces?

You know it! Football training.

They're going to mug me right off, ain't they?

Don't put yourself down. Make sure you do a good job on his burger van.

Pie van now.

Really? Well, I'm glad to see you're broadening your horizons.

I'll make a good job of it all right. I promise you.

Now you can tell Lola Pearce what a nice guy you really are!

SHE SIGHS

SHE MOANS IN DISGUST

SHE GRUNTS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Pops, if you've forgotten your keys again,

you'd better have breakfast with you an' all.

Hi, Lola. I thought I'd catch you on your own.

How are you?

How you doing, mate? You called, Sir Alec?

All right, Captain!

Listen, I was thinking about you, Ray and Max

coming up with a training programme.

Free use of the gym.

For free use of your pub?

I'm serious, Jack.

Y'know, maybe come up with some lunchtime sessions.

Ray, you can come up with an eating plan for optimum performance.

-Who's the swot now?!

-Oi, listen, we need a manager, not a nanny.

So, the one who wears the trousers, does she approve of all this?

The one who wears...? It's nothing to do with you.

She's left me in charge while she looks after her old man. OK?

I'll give out free cushions

cos it's a long sit on that bench, ladies!

-Shut up.

-What you eating? Supposed to be eating healthy.

-Where's the darts, Alf?

-Round the other side. Eat brown bread.

Shut up.

20 minutes. You said he's going to be here in 20 minutes?

You tell my missus that!

Just forget it.

Get out, Michael.

-I've come to say...

-Get out, Michael.

Otherwise I've got to make ya.

You'll have to make me then.

HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

I don't know what to do.

I'm at my wits end.

Every day, you know, you think she's getting better

but every day she's...

She's not feeding, or not breathing so well,

test after test after test...

I've got an appointment with Scarlett's consultant.

And this taxi has let me down. Janine's going to have a meltdown...

-Right. Let's go.

-Sorry. I don't know what I...

No, no, no. I'm going to get you to the hospital. Let's go.

Janine's knackered, she's really finding it hard.

I appreciate this.

ENGINE WON'T START

Come on! Come on!

HE SIGHS

A CAR APPROACHES

Taxi! Oi. Taxi!

Tube!

I've got piles. I'm 16. Piles!

I'm not sleeping, and this, this is against my human rights.

Cows are treated better!

Can't be easy. You must be nervous.

Your due date's less than two weeks away.

I'm not nervous. I'm fed up!

Well.

Why don't you use the curfew and the tag as a focus for reflection?

Have you written your birth plan?

Got it down to two words. "Give Birth."

-Packed your hospital bag yet?

-I don't intend on staying there.

Things for the baby?

You'll be finding out soon enough it isn't about you any more.

A bus replacement? This ain't meant to be. It's not happening.

-I'm going to go back to work.

-I'll get you there if it kills me.

Cos this ain't about you any more. Come on.

Just you and Scarlett today then?

Oh, Michael'll be along later, y'know,

for the appointment with the consultant.

He's doing his rounds. I saw him just before.

-Tea, babe?

-Please.

-Janine? Chocolate or anything?

No. No, thanks. Michael'll be here any second.

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

Don't laugh at me!

I'm sorry.

That's an apology how?

Will one of Andrew's pies do?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Come on then, bad boy. Do your worst.

You go, Billy!

SHE LAUGHS

-Got any stuffing?

-You cooking?

Firemen on stand-by, are they?

And 20 of my usual. And less of that.

What?

Oh. Nothing. You have a nice dinner.

What?

Carly's had a baby. I'm sorry.

I weren't going to say anything,

but I just thought you had a right to know.

Oh, you did, did ya?

Well, thank you, Denise.

I'm really humble.

Shirl.

Here, phone her.

Hey, mush. Listen, I need a big favour, Jay, all right?

Just need to borrow some jump leads, if you don't mind, mate?

Any time this year, Jay, would be nice?

Hey, not long to go now, sweetheart?

Should be putting your feet up, though.

-Oh, he's through the door.

-Come on, mate.

-Cheers for that. Owe you one.

-No worries.

-Take me somewhere, Jay.

-Where?

Anywhere. You wanted to before. We could go Brighton!

Go on the pier. Y'know, dance machines, ghost train!

-What about the weekend?

-I might not last till then.

-Nah, we can't. You're on tag.

-Who cares?

No, we can't have no more trouble.

Says bad boy Mitchell!

All right. Well, we'll just have to make some fun round here then, yeah?

Come on then.

SHE HUMS ALONG TO MUSIC

SHE SIGHS

SHE THROWS THE SPOON DOWN

-Reckon the baby will be an athlete?

-That is my pops, you know.

That is your great-grandad. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You got any money?

Not on me, I ain't.

-Could really do with a drink.

-Look at you! You're ready to pop!

Want to get yourself an epidural for that.

And somebody's fingers to break! Come here, let me have a go?

Why does everyone think they can have a go cos of this?

Well, I'm sorry. But your body ain't your own any more, love.

Neither's your life. It's going to hit you like a hurricane.

A baby won't change anything.

It'll fit in with what I want to do, actually.

DENISE LAUGHS

SHE MOANS You all right, love?

I'm really thirsty.

-Can of lemonade?

-Anything, anything.

-What's happening, Lo?

-I feel really funny.

I feel like I need to...

-To push?!

-Oh, my God!

Oh...right, OK. She's going to need to go to hospital!

SHE SHRIEKS

SHE LAUGHS

I can't believe you've just done that!

-Cheers for the lemonade, Denise!

-Yeah. That's...

-Sorry.

-Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

Tough cookie, Michael, Scarlett.

Just pretending to be delicate, like they do, like a snow drop.

Thanks for today. You've been...

Really cool.

I know you gave the money back.

But you do anything to hurt my family again... Anything...

Chatting. Like nothing in the world matters. You missed it!

The taxi was late, the tube was delayed, we had to get Alfie's car.

-And the car wouldn't start.

-And then we had to fix that.

That's right. And I put my foot down.

So, anyway... How's Scarlett?

-Better make a run for it, mate.

-All right.

Thanks.

What did the consultant say?

-What do you care?

-Please don't be like this.

Come on, face it, Michael, you're not even that bothered.

Jake's dad hasn't even left the ward!

Jake's dad doesn't have a million businesses to run.

Specifically, your businesses.

Any excuse.

Hang on. I'm securing Scarlett's future.

-Please.

-Can we just...?

Tell you what, why don't I come back in and we start again?

How is she? What did the consultant say?

-You didn't ring. Not one call, not a text...

-The battery died.

-You managed to phone a taxi!

-I didn't want you to worry you.

-You don't know the morning I've had.

-What? Spent in the pub with Alfie?

No. I locked myself out.

-Well, there's a spare key in the office.

-I didn't have the time!

No, that's the problem, isn't it? You don't have the time!

You don't have the time for me or your daughter!

Well, only blame the fact that we don't have a poxy car!

Relying on strangers. Having to rely on taxis and lifts.

You know, if...

If we had a car, everything would be perfect?

No, it wouldn't. It would just make things better.

So...the three of us, we could...

When we bring her home. That's all.

Huh? Come on, don't be this way.

Huh? Love ya.

Is she OK?

She's OK. For now.

Ouch!

PHONE DIALS

'Hello?'

Carly.

'Well, who's that?'

It's me.

'Who's me?'

Your mum. Denise, she told me the good news, that's brilliant.

'You've got no right. Don't call me again.'

CALL DISCONNECTS

I'll just get changed. Won't be a minute.

Lola's here.

Are we mates again or...?

What about dinner?

Dinner is off!

I've got one dead kid and two kids that want me dead.

Welcome to the joys of motherhood.

Jay, don't worry about getting changed. We're going! Come on.

Time for a cheeky one before training?

Too late, mate. Come on, team. Gym. Let's do it.

Going to get a spray tan and a manicure while you're at it?

Meaning?

Footballers today, it's all about the image and the money.

Back in the day, men really knew how to play the beautiful game.

It was all about raw passion.

Do we look like a bunch of spoilt fairies to you, Cora?

Spit and sawdust at its finest. Don't you worry about that.

Prove it. Drop down and give me ten. Go on.

Let's see what you're made of.

All right.

Look at him, look!

Right. How's that for you, Cora?

I've seen better. Come on, Andy, limber up!

Come on now, man. We're a team, aren't we?

Kiss the floor!

Have you got any cash?

I've left my money at home.

Sorry. Got a baby hippo on my bladder.

TMI, sweetness. What's going on, jiggle Jay Z?

-What's happening?

-You all right, bruvver?

-Yeah, man. You?

-All good, man.

You know what, I've been looking at this car, yeah.

And the bodywork's a bit past it, but that friend that you talk to,

to get close to the friend you really want to be chatting up.

Know what I'm saying?

If you need me to take a look, just let me know.

You are the man, brother. You are the man.

You feel like chicken tonight?

-Yeah, I've left my wallet at home though.

-Can you read?

Can you see? She's pregnant, mate.

Oh, shut up. I never used your soap or your hand dryer.

Yeah, well, minimum order is a drink.

Arthur, give the toilets a once over.

He ain't no Peter Andre, is he?

Does he always speak to you like that?

Oh.

You all right?

No, I've gone all light-headed. Ain't eaten all day.

Low blood sugar thingy.

The docs said to eat at regular intervals and...

Ooh. This really ain't good.

Hey, listen, listen, listen, I will hook you up with whatever you need.

All right? Just keep those knees together cos I ain't no midwife.

You get me? All right.

ALL: 62, 63...

What you doing? Giving me a run for my money, are you?

..65

You want the manager's job? Go on, son!

I thought you were staying in tonight?

EVERYONE CHEERS

I've washed and I've starched your trainers.

EVERYONE CHEERS

Go on, son!

Freshly starched trainers. Let's go. Gym.

Are you coming home now for your fish pie now?

Keep it in the oven for me, Mum? Cheers.

Funny that. There were 12 chicken burgers on the rack.

Yeah, I was going to tell you about that, Mr Pops

You got a receipt for them burgers? You think I'm a mug?

Mate, I'm coming back in tomorrow. I'll bring the money then, all right? Calm down.

Yeah, chill out. He's definitely going to pay tomorrow.

-No, no, no. I want it now.

-And he said tomorrow.

This is theft. I don't loan chicken.

He said he was going to pay, all right.

-Staff only beyond this point.

-Got a problem, eh, face ache?

With manners like that, what chance has the baby got?

-You what?!

-Now look what you've done!

-You did that!

-Come on, Lola, ignore him.

It's nearly past your curfew time.

No, no, we were having a laugh. And he ain't going to ruin it.

Starting fights in kebab shops now? What's the matter with ya?

Shirl? Shirl?

You all right?

When I woke up this morning, it was a good morning.

Birds were tweeting.

Come on, you'll be better off in bed.

Who am I kidding? I ain't your mum.

I ain't Jay's mum.

I was a good best friend. I was really good at that.

I knew who I was then. But now...

I ain't anything to anybody.

That's not true, Shirl. That's not true at all.

TEXT ALERT

Is that her? Is it Carly?

It's just dad. Wanting to know what time's dinner tonight.

SHE YAWNS

Sorry, sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

Got you what you needed.

Your Baby Is A Full Time Job.

You do know that, right?

Personally, I think a mother's instincts are better.

My instinct tells me a quick dash to the shops before you got here.

Thank you.

You say you want me to be here,

and then when I am here, you push me away.

But you can't, Janine. OK?

We can carry on. Y'know, having a laugh...

-Yeah?

-We'll go down to Brighton.

When the tag's off and we can take the baby.

You really want to be seen pushing a pram?

Are you scared? Doing it on your own?

Well, no, I've got Pops.

I ain't promising anything, Lo. But...if you're ever in trouble.

I could help you out.

When she needs driving lessons, I'll give you a call.

I mean it.

Bad boy Mitchell changing nappies?

I don't know about that, but...

Come here. Feel this.

She's kicking like mad. I'm not scared, Jay...

I'm terrified.

You've got me.

And I just want to let you know that I would never...

lose it in front of you or the baby.

Look at the time, Lola! It's 20 minutes past your curfew.

What's the worst they can do?

-Think about the baby.

-I am.

-Lola Pearce?

-We know that we're past her curfew.

But she felt faint, and she needed something to eat, didn't ya?

20 minutes past. Big wow.

The owner says you damaged property and refused to pay. That right?

-What him?

-What did you do that for, man?

I was going to come back tomorrow. We didn't exactly do a runner.

-She's due any day now.

-He knows, it was an accident!

You seriously got some chips missing!

-You're on a warning.

-Oh, whatever.

You get off on all the power, do you? You dirty, greasy little man!

Lola?!

You can't arrest me! I ain't done nothing!

Lola! Lola! Look, if this is about her breaking her curfew,

I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose...

-Get your hands off me. I'm having a baby!

-When it suits you, eh?

Jay? Jay!

POLICE SIRENS

MONITORS BEEPING

Oi! Watch the paintwork!

Ooh! Nice new motor, eh?

Yeah, arrived yesterday.

Need a nice family car for when Scarlett gets back.

Tell her to get better soon, she can give Uncle Anthony a lift.

Never get his own car with his football skills!

Michael? Michael, any chance you can ask Janine to do the payroll today?

She's at the hospital, why can't you do it?

I would, but...Lola's been arrested.

Again?

You gotta exercise some tough love on this one, Bill.

Leave her to it, let her sort it out.

Don't work like that! Like it or not, that's the way it is.

Oof!

Perfect.

We ain't got a lot of stock in.

Suck your paunch in and stick your pecs out.

Oh, you think I might get lucky?

Where you off then? Got a hot date?

A wake. A drinking partner of mine,

we went to school together in Trinidad.

Well, he passed away last week.

Just want to pay my respects.

And take advantage of the free booze?

It's what he would have wanted, eh?

This mate of yours, did he have a lot of threads?

Cora, I didn't ask when I sent my respects, you know.

I might tag along an' all, pay my respects.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't think that'd be a good idea.

I don't think the widow will appreciate a stranger turning up

-just to get the shirt off her husband's back.

-What'd he die of?

-Prostate cancer, I think.

-Then she'll want to give something back,

and I ain't exactly a stranger...

I'm your guest.

You're leaving me out of all the fun again?

It's a WAKE!

Well, if you're going I'm coming too.

Bang goes my lucky day.

Managed to turn up on time today then?

I thought you might need a break.

Someone didn't sleep very well. She kept pulling her feeding tube out.

I think she's going to be trouble.

She takes after her mother.

Why don't you go and have something to eat and drink? Bit of a rest?

Before you go, sign these cos the staff haven't been paid.

So? Have they got babies in hospital?

I can take care of it, I just need you to make me signatory to the business accounts.

Oh, so that's why you're here!

Money!

No, I'm trying to keep your business going.

-This hardly scratches the surface.

-How would you know that?

Have you been going through my statements?

I'm trying to take the pressure off you.

If you want to take the pressure off then you should spend a night here or speak to a doctor for a change.

-All you have to do is ask.

-Fine.

The nurse is holding a class this afternoon. Be nice if you could come.

OK, I'd love to.

I did have a meeting, but I can cancel that. Whatever it takes.

Lads! Whoa, whoa, what you doing?! Step away from the pies!

-What?

-What's the matter with you two?

You're supposed to be on a training regime, I booked a session at the gym later.

We'd love to, but we've got a business to run.

We've gotta check out this wake later.

If the team does well, it'll be great for business.

Think of the headline,

"Tyler Moon scores the winning goal for the Queen Vic.

"Vintage performance from the antiques man!" Genius!

Does the Gazette even cover our league, Alfie?

If Billy Mitchell can get his face plastered all over the place, I'm sure we can!

-But we're in the Walford Pub League, Billy's in the Olympics!

-Oh, shut up! Worth a punt, innit?

Has someone died?

No-one we know.

If you're too busy to spend time with your mother,

I've gotta find something to do, haven't I?

Here we go again.

-I thought you'd be in court?

-Thanks for your concern.

After you ran off I spent the whole night

thinking I was going to drop the baby in the stinking old cell!

Funnily enough, the pain stopped when they said

they'd let us off with a warning.

You think this is funny?

You've already got the tag! If they hadn't given you one last chance

you could've be giving birth in Holloway nick!

We were having a laugh until that greaseball started winding us up.

-Lo, we shouldn't have even gone out at all! Won't happen again.

-Too right, it won't!

You're a bit big for a bear, ain't ya?

It's for you, I thought you could give it to Carly for the baby.

She's not answering the phone.

That's where the bear comes in.

It's a bit big and scary, ain't it, for a newborn?

Yeah. It'll remind them of you(!)

Airway, breathing, circulation.

So first we check to see if the child's airway is clear.

-Do you want to do it?

-No, you do it.

You're here more, you should do it.

If she collapses at home you need to know what to do.

So you gently tilt the head back

and you look in the mouth for any obvious obstruction.

She's talking about collapsing. What for?

If she was going to collapse why would they send her home? She's not going to COLLAPSE!

Listen for breathing,

if there's no response, that's when you start your CPR.

They don't know EVERYTHING.

You seal your mouth over the baby's mouth and nose,

and you give short, sharp breaths.

You do this up to five times before you start your chest compressions.

Do it now.

What about Tommy?

James, James.

Whatever.

He stopped breathing for absolutely no reason

and he wasn't even born prematurely.

..press firmly down to a third of the depth of...

I keep thinking it'll be OK.

You know, once she gets off the ventilator,

or comes out of intensive care,

it's going to get better, or go back to normal.

-But she is and it's not.

-All right, woman, I know. Just...

I'm starting to think we might never get back to normal...

Yes, we'll be fine...

-Careful cos you don't want to break your baby's...

-Yes!

I'm just going to leave you to it, cos I've had enough of this!

-Where are you going?

-I'm off!

Sorry for your loss.

Let us know if there's anything we can do.

Should have known you two'd be here,

pair of vultures picking over a dead man's bones.

We're just helping out with the arrangements.

Suppose you're here out of the goodness of your heart?

I did say I'd be in touch with any suitable clearances, Mrs Cross.

-Since when?

-Since she threatened to make life difficult.

But you can't just turn up out of the blue and take what you want!

I'm simply supporting a grief-stricken friend.

Even though he never asked you to.

Stop complaining, you're only here for the free spread

and the lonely old dears.

Hey, hey, I don't want you go upsetting the widow, eh?

She's a fine upstanding woman, you know, Joy.

-Why is she friends with you then?

-She's not exactly.

Used to accuse me of leading her old man astray,

but that was long, long time ago.

-She's probably forgotten all about it by now.

-Patrick Trueman!

Joy...

I am so sorry.

-You will be if you don't get out now!

-Just come to pay my respects.

You never showed any before!

But I am a changed man.

Then why have you turned up in a cheap suit, reeking of rum,

a floozy on each arm?

Who are you calling a floozy?

Nothing will ever change you!

Apart from the love of a good woman.

I don't think we've been properly introduced,

I'm Cora Trueman...Patrick's wife.

You ain't serious?

Billy, come on!

Never been more serious, your team needs you, don't it, eh?

You didn't seem bothered when I said I couldn't play.

OK, granted. Granted, I didn't see your true potential,

and the Olympic committee, they saw something we didn't -

but I see it now, don't I! That's what I see. I see...

You know what I see? I see the spirit of a true champion!

Yeah, I see a born winner, Billy!

-I have always been a fighter.

-Yeah, you have. I know.

I'm a lot stronger than people give me credit for.

I know. Come on, let's have it, mate! Yeah?

I don't know, gotta think about Lo, ain't I?

And I'm training for the torch relay...

I know we're out of your league but with your experience, mate...

-I suppose I would bring a sense of maturity to the team.

-Exactly.

We're training this afternoon, why don't you come along,

give us a few tips and all that? Be great.

Oh, don't mind me, I'll just be sat here waiting to drop.

-All right, one condition.

-Yeah, go on.

You make me captain.

Oh... I've made Jack captain.

Sorry, but has Jack been chosen to be an Olympian?

Hmm?

Has Jack got the whole country behind him?

Welcome on board, Captain Billy.

-Bill.

-All right, beautiful?

Why would you be married to Cora and not me?

I have no idea at all.

One minute I'm an eligible bachelor,

next minute I'm walking down the aisle

faster than you can say Mrs Trueman the third.

She was about to sling us out!

Well, it would have been better to have been me,

because at least we've had a relationship.

One fumbled night doesn't make a relationship, Rose.

Let's face it, you ain't exactly marriage material!

I have been married more times than you have!

Are you seriously going to stand for all this?

It depends on if she asks me properly.

Patrick, darling,

will you do the honour of pretending to be married to me?

One hour, then I can say my goodbyes.

Then be a dear and get me a large G and T.

I just thought I'd pop in, see how you're doing.

They told me you were at some class.

Oh, we were until Michael decided to walk out,

and leave me to bring the baby back to life!

Apparently he had more important things to do.

Can't be easy on him, can it?

Oh, cos it's a barrel of laughs for me, isn't it?

I just, I love being stuck here wondering every day if my baby's going to survive

while my supposed husband is trying to get into my bank accounts probably!

No, no, I don't think that's true.

I mean, look, in my experience men just walk out

because they can't handle their own feelings.

Scarlett's milk is in the fridge.

She should be asleep for a couple of hours or so...

-Wait...

-Don't panic.

If her oxygen levels dip the alarm will go off and a nurse will come.

You can always try to just tickle her feet,

sometimes it'll help to start her breathing.

-Whatever happens, just call me.

-Right. Are you going now, yeah?

I can do this on my own if I have to...

but I need to know what I'm dealing with.

I'm the captain, we agreed?!

-After sleeping on it last night, I decided to give it to someone else, that's all.

-Who?

-Billy Mitchell? Couldn't hit a barn door if he tried!

-All right.

I know it's not the obvious choice, but he'll bring a lot to the team.

-OK, look, maturity and leadership...

-JACK SNORTS

..and, more importantly, publicity for the team.

Gotta be good, ain't it?

He's not even in the team, is he!

No, I'm the captain, that's the way it should stay.

That's not for you to say!

You don't get players talking to Alex Ferguson like this.

Alex Ferguson wouldn't pick Billy Mitchell, would he?!

Billy Mitchell is the captain. Enough said.

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

Turns out her husband was a hoarder, she's got a house full of gear

and she's emigrating to be with her kids next week.

Only we can't get near the widow!

Not much I can do, I had no idea Cora and Mr Trueman were so close.

If you ever want to talk,

I'm only round the corner at the charity shop.

I didn't know you worked there.

My daughter had cancer not so long ago, my first husband died of it.

The worst thing is feeling useless.

It's a great comfort to be able to give something back.

Falling in love again must have been a help too.

Oh, she can be an old dragon at times,

but I do like a woman with a bit of fire in her belly.

And he can be a feckless old rogue

but, if nothing else, he's good for a laugh!

You're lucky to have found each other.

Excuse me.

Which is very strange as they've only been married an hour.

Michael?

Michael!

-Alf.

-Oi, oi, oi! What d'you think you're doing?

I need someone to talk to...

You don't come up here without asking, all right?

Oh.

I thought...with the hospital...

Oh, you think I'm, what, Walford's very own Agony Aunt?

It doesn't happen after you screw people over, all right, Michael?

What did you feel when...

-you thought you'd lost Tommy?

-Has something happened to Scarlett?

No, no...

but they were showing us how to resuscitate her, you know?

I was there with this plastic baby in front of me,

breathing into it and then suddenly I saw her...

Saw her, lying there...

..and I couldn't breathe myself.

And then what happened?

I walked out.

Course you did.

I'm not surprised you walked out.

That's all you ever do, ain't it? Just think about your own feelings.

It's always about your own feelings, ain't it, mate? I mean, did...

..did you even shed a tear when you thought that your own son,

Tommy, might've died?

Did you even think about my feelings when you slept with my wife?

And you were quite happy to let Jean be sectioned,

until you admitted the truth!

Hmm?

I'm being punished.

What?

Yeah, Scarlett's suffering because of my sins.

-Do you think?

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, it's not about that.

Because I know it was wrong.

What I did to Jean, making her think she was all mental and stuff

and when I was doing it I knew it was wrong,

but it was my only way of getting...

It was my best chance, Alfie,

of getting my hands on the cash, so I did it anyway.

And I always do, you see...

You should hate me.

Do you really think that? It's not, it's not about that.

No?

Hit me!

-What?

-Go on!

-Hit ya?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah, go on. You can have a free one!

You want me to hit ya?

As much as I'd love to help you beat yourself up, Michael,

I'm not going to turn this into the Michael Moon show. D'you understand?

Listen...

You know, you've got a family now, mate.

And this isn't about your feelings any more.

It's about them!

Do you understand that bit?

I'm finding it difficult.

Yeah, I'm not surprised, really.

Being that you're a masochistic, slightly redundant, weirdo.

Sadomasochistic weirdo.

It's a familial trait.

Lucky I got the good genes, though, eh?

Yeah, you certainly did.

-I am sorry though.

-Yeah.

Well, it's done now, mate, all right?

You know what? How...?

You've got it all. You have a beautiful baby, a rich wife...

Yeah, yeah, I know. How'd that happen?

Exactly, how'd it happen?

Don't screw it up, Michael.

-It was getting boring!

-I was about to seal the deal!

For what? The clearance or Patrick?

You won't be sealing anything

when the poor widow hears about your scam marriage.

Oh, come on, boys. You're smarter than that, aren't you?

If you go telling tales, she'll think you're all out to shaft her,

nobody'll get the job, hm?

Half.

I get first dibs and we're done.

-I think we have been.

-Yeah.

If you don't like it, take it up with my old man.

-You told the others we was training here, right?

-Yes, Billy.

-You told them the right time?

-Mm-hm.

Where the hell are they then?

Billy's going to do his nut when he finds out you've been gone all day.

What do you care? Thought I was too much hassle?

It ain't like that, I'm just trying to do the right thing, that's all.

Um, where's Billy? I need to talk to him.

Cos I don't know why the office's shut up

or where the hell Michael is!

Do I look like a secretary?

I thought you were supposed to be at the hospital anyway.

And what would you know about anything?

I mean, look at you, sitting there with your cute little bump,

-flirting with your pathetic little boyfriend...

-Oi!

You've got no idea that your life is about to be over.

And your precious little friends,

d'you think they'll be there when you're screaming in pain?

Or if you've got a baby in hospital?

No, because they will just drift back to their lives, all right?

And you will be STUCK on your own.

So don't you DARE tell me where I'm supposed to be, all right?!

-You haven't got a clue.

-That's out of order.

..all over the table!

Fellas, what are you doing? You're supposed to be lifting weights, not pints.

-What's going on?

-Well, we decided we're not playing today, Alfie.

Oh, I get it.

Yeah, this is where the players turn against me? Is that right?

Yeah, I think you'll find it's called player power.

Oi, oi! So we training or what?

No, these dozy pillocks got the day wrong,

-they think it's tomorrow, don't they.

-Hm!

Want me to have a word, as captain?

Billy, listen, I've been thinking about it, right,

and I'm not sure the captain's role is quite right for you.

You said I was a born competitor.

Yeah, I know, and I mean it. Think about it, right.

What's the Captain? He's just a work horse, isn't he, eh?

No skills, no flair.

Nah, I'm looking at you, you know what I'm thinking?

Thinking, like, a lone striker, ready to POUNCE!

Like Geoff Hurst, yeah?

Hursty, eh? "They think it's all over..."

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, it is now!

What do you think I was doing?

I have no idea! You practically run out of hospital...

and then I come back to find you've bought some new car without even telling me.

I was going to tell you, but it didn't feel right.

That's because you were too busy changing the bank accounts

and now you've got your hands in the safe!

What you talking about?! D'you think I'm stealing petty cash?

What am I supposed to think?

You're supposed to TRUST me! I'm not your dad.

Well, then, don't ACT like it, Michael.

You know, instead of going out and buying new cars,

-why are you not at the hospital with YOUR daughter?

-Because it's all I can do!

OK?

I hate seeing Scarlett in pain, I hate seeing what it's doing to you,

but I don't have any control and I don't like that!

So all I can do is keep things going here!

So you just abandon me?

Leave me to deal with it? In a room full of perfect people!

Oh, those nauseating parents. I had to get out.

Yeah, well, that's how I felt too...

but I couldn't, because it looks like I am all that Scarlett's got.

That's untrue and unfair.

I love that child more than you can imagine.

I know... Oh, I know. It's just...

the car, I think, it took me by surprise.

That's exactly what it was meant to be - a surprise.

I thought after the prenup, you know, we were cool.

-I thought you trusted me.

-(I do...)

..I'm just tired.

I'm being so selfish, of course you are. You're exhausted.

Just...

..why don't you have a night off...

and just let me look after Scarlett tonight and...?

Huh?

Come on. I know, I know I'm inept.

I know I am...but I'm trying...

..and I'm not going anywhere, OK?

-I don't know why you're taking any notice of Janine for.

-Well, she's right, ain't she?

You've decided you don't want anything more to do with us.

Yeah, and you know why. Because of Abi.

Whatever's happening between me and her, it's Abi and I miss her.

What about me? I'm giving birth in 11 days,

you going to leave me to do that on my own an' all?

You ain't on your own! You've got Billy...

-and you've got me.

-You just said I'm too much hassle.

You are eight and a half months pregnant, you got a tag,

you're going round getting arrested, but I'm still your mate.

What, a screaming, puking kid ain't going to put you off?

-Have you seen yourself on Saturday nights?

-What am I, some sort of mug?

-I told you to stay indoors!

-We're only talking here.

She is on a warning with the police and social services.

-Yet here she is knocking about with you again.

-It ain't Jay's fault!

Well, how comes he's always about whenever you're in trouble, eh?

You home and you stay away, all right? I've had enough of this.

-You're staying in until this baby comes out! Come on.

-Pops!

Don't tell me, he tried to make a run for it?

So, d'you want me to cut off one of his ears?

Carly don't want it.

She said it's a bit late for me to start playing grandmother.

She probably don't mean that.

She doesn't want me to contact her again.

Said I haven't been her mum for years.

-Sorry.

-Why?

Not your fault I'm the world's worst parent, is it?

Shirl, you're not.

You might not be Carly's mum... but you're my mum.

I know you miss Hev...

..but you've always got me, Dad, and Jay.

And I reckon Carly will come round in the end too.

She hates my guts...

..she don't want to hear from me again.

Yeah, and when's that ever stopped you, eh?

You'll be knitting booties before you know it.

I can see it now...Nana Shirl.

When did you get so grown up, eh?

You call me Nana again and I'm going to cut your legs off.

-Geoff Hurst?

-Oi. Geoff Hurst is in his 70s, yeah,

and he'd still run rings round Billy.

-Did you not get your armband back?

-Now you just gotta tell one of your strikers

-you're dropping 'em for a 50-year-old donkey!

-I ain't giving up my place!

Ray's the frontman, he'll have to and he'll understand it's for the good of the team.

Didn't see me having a whinge when I was put on the bench for him, did ya?

-Still wouldn't like to be the one to tell him.

-No, you're right.

I'll just have to leave that to my captain, won't I?

Hush, man, I've been getting your drinks all day,

how much longer do I have to run around after you?

Till death us do part, my sweet.

Well, I'd better warn you, I have certain needs.

Will you stop this please?

-A drawer full of old socks that needs darning.

-Oh, I've had enough!

I wouldn't touch your smelly socks if my life depended on it.

Oh, I might as well not be here!

You're always having these private little jokes between yourselves these days.

Rose, SOME of us can enjoy a gentleman's company

without being desperate to get 'em in the sack.

Hmm. Well, it's perfectly obvious you two have got feelings for each other

and I don't know why you're bothering to deny it!

The woman's talking nonsense.

Can't take a joke, that's her problem!

What's he want?

He must have got the message about Lola.

I'll try and get rid of him.

I came as soon as I got your message, everything all right?

No. No, everything is NOT all right.

I need you to change the combination of the safe.

I swear I never told anyone the number...

-Oh, apart from Michael.

-He's your husband!

I'm not asking for a family tree, Billy, all right?

I'm just asking for you to keep an eye on him.

After all you've been through? Surely you can trust him?

Change the combination!

And this time just try keeping it to yourself.

TEXT ALERT

You don't own me, mate.

Kat? Kat, where are you?

Oh, there you are, love of my life.

-Feast your mince pies on this.

-What is it?

What do you mean? It's like a coach's board.

A bit of top level professional kit.

Helps me visualise the formation for the Queen Vic 11.

Hear me out, OK? So I'm starting with like the classic 4-4-2.

Andrew's in goal. I've got a strong back four,

Masood out wide, who serves our front man Tyler up there.

I thought we sorted this weeks ago?

Yeah, but it's like a fluid approach to modern management, innit?

-What you got there?

-Some clothes of Tommy's. Scarlett could use them.

Oh, yeah, right, so have you heard from Michael?

-No.

-Struggling a bit, ain't he?

Hello? What?

-I love you, Alfie.

-I love you too.

Anyway, if this goes a bit pear-shaped,

I'll just do the 4-5-1, the West Ham formation.

Come on the Hammers. Back in the Premier League, lads?

Yeah, thanks for your support.

Anyway, so what I'll do, I'll probably use Anthony

and Tyler together cos they've got an understanding of each other.

I'd keep Tyler up front.

You reckon? Why?

He's a better finisher.

Tyler's a better finisher? OK, not a bad idea. That's my girl.

Tyler up front. Up the Hammers!

How is he?

He's put on a bit of weight.

How's Scarlett?

Steady at two kilos. Good news about Jake though.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-OK?

Got you a coffee. Strong, skinny.

I got one.

Yeah. So I see. Everything fine?

I wouldn't say everything was fine, Michael, no.

You know what I mean.

How's Jake?

-Yeah, he's doing much better.

-Yeah.

-Great.

Yeah, he's actually put on a bit more weight than Scarlett.

That's all right. Babies are different. It's fine.

I'm just going to go and sit with her,

then I'll head back to the office.

Here it is. I thought you might like to...

Well, look, Shirl, look, he's got Carly's cheeks.

D'you remember when you used to be able to come in here

and have a cup of tea in peace?

-I said no.

-It's not enough you won't let me see Jay,

now you want to ruin the rest of my life an' all.

-You're grounded.

-But it's a special occasion.

Lola, a sale on the high street is not a special occasion.

-But I've got a voucher.

-Have you? Sorry.

I ain't got any jeans, have I?

What will I wear when I get my figure back? LAUGHTER

-What?

-You ain't going to get your figure back.

Have you seen the size of what's to come out?

Yeah, yeah, all right, we get the idea.

Victoria Beckham got hers back.

Yeah, but Victoria Beckham's probably got a personal trainer,

three nannies and a chef. What you got?

-No chance.

-Whatever. I'm still buying them.

No, you're not. You're grounded. You're lucky I let you come here.

I just want to do one thing that's fun.

Oh, Billy, there you are. Listen mate, heads up,

we got a journo coming to the game on Monday to have a chat.

Wants to chat to me, yeah?

Well, yes, you know, it's to both of us. Manager and striker.

I like it. Hook into the torch relay thing.

-Oh, is that coming up, is it?

-Don't encourage him.

-Next week.

-That's exciting, innit?

Stupid corporate games.

Tube's a nightmare and there's foreigners everywhere.

Nice one, Shirley, thanks, darling.

Listen, I was hoping maybe we could drive the message

closer to the area of the team and the Vic.

With all due respect though, Alf, I mean I'm the torchbearer.

-I'm the one with the profile here.

-Yes. Yes, I know that, Billy.

That's why we need to sort out our media strategy, nail it down, mate.

Just pop into the pub, please?

If I lose another game, the press will be all over me.

-I have to work.

-It's just ten minutes, that's all. Please.

-I'll try.

-Good man, all right. All right, ladies?

-You all right there?

-You got to go to work. I'm on my own again.

Well, don't worry, I've got my spies out there.

-Such a loser.

-Give us a cup of tea to take away please, Marie.

-And one of them.

-No, no, you've got to eat healthily.

"You've got to eat healthily".

-You do.

-"You do."

-Oi.

-He said, "You've got to eat healthily."

Oh, just let her have it, Shirl.

Grow a pair, Billy, make a statement and stand by it.

And why don't you mind your own business, you silly old cow?

-Hey!

-Hey, you've got a mouth on you, ain't you?

Tell you what, Billy. I'm a little bit idle today.

How about I keep my eye on her? Make sure she stays grounded?

That'd be brilliant, Shirl. But you don't have to.

Oh, no. It'd be a pleasure.

I don't know what keeps them up.

They're terrible!

Look, look at the waistband...

It's awful.

I know.

-Terrible.

-What's this?

Just doing a bit of ironing, love.

-You could do with some new pants.

-My pants are fine, thanks.

Oh, look at these!

You don't need to do my ironing.

I might just as well.

Cora and Patrick, they're in each other's pockets,

I've got little else to do. Nothing I ain't seen before.

It's not appropriate.

Oh, look, I don't mind.

THEY LAUGH

When he was little he used to run around without any pants.

I used to let him. Get a nice breeze through his undercarriage.

-Oh, that's so cute.

-Yeah.

Mum! Mum, just leave it. Mum.

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING

We're going to have a lovely time together, me and you.

Lots of cups of tea, lots of girly chats.

I'll even paint your toenails for you if you like.

Ah. Billy hasn't got any milk.

Oh, he must have forgot when you were yelling at him.

But you can't have a cup of tea without any milk, can you?

I'll be two minutes.

Don't you go anywhere.

You're not as bright as you think you are, Lola.

-All right mate, how's your morning been?

-Up at the hospital mainly.

Shouldn't you be there now? With your family?

I've got a few things to take care of here.

-You hungry?

-No, I'm all right.

Nah, don't be silly.

Listen, I've got some of this high protein, low GI stuff for the lads.

Think about it, right.

Good nutrition's as valuable as ball skills.

Can I just have a pie, please? I'm not in the team.

No, you can't have a pie.

No, I guarantee you'll love this stuff, I promise you.

Yeah, it's brilliant stuff. He's really good.

Oh, excuse me. Yes, mate.

Here you are.

-What's that?

-It's for Scarlett.

It's just a few of Tommy's bits just laying round.

I thought you could take 'em.

Thank you. That's kind.

It's his idea.

OK.

I gave you a chance.

I trusted you to stay put, do the right thing.

What are you doing?

I'm not angry, Lola. I'm disappointed.

-Shirley?

-You've let me down, you've let Billy down,

but most of all, you've let yourself down.

-Are you joking? This is imprisonment.

-I hope so, yeah.

You can't do this to me. I'm pregnant!

This is the best for you. You'll thank me for it one day.

No, I won't.

-Well, I won't care either way. Phone.

-No.

See you tonight.

What? No, Shirley! You can't do this! This is abuse!

Shirley! This is illegal.

And what if I have to go to the toilet? Shirley!

What? No. No. No. No!

Shirley. Shirley! Shirley! Shirley!

Look, they're very manly.

Are they big enough? Not too much though, are they?

No. They're right on trend.

All right? Auntie Dot, it's Andrew.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, really good. You?

Terrific.

Listen. Can you do me a favour?

No, all I'm saying is, if winning an Olympic gold medal

isn't the highest honour in a sport, then it shouldn't be in the Games.

What you got? Tennis, football, BMX, where does it stop?

So what do you think of the lunch, then?

-That's it?

-Yeah.

OK, you didn't fancy putting any meat in there, no?

It's all about the protein and the quinoa and the beans.

It's lean, you know. Keeps your weight down.

All right, but...

But... But what?

Nothing. Nothing. It's delicious.

Good.

Going up the hospital now?

I've got to do some business stuff, you know.

Janine obviously can't so... I'm just picking up the slack.

How's she coping?

Great. Amazing.

-That's terrific.

-And you?

Fine.

Everything's changed, innit? Now you've seen her.

-Don't you feel completely helpless?

-Kat, come on.

Totally alone.

Like everything's just happening and you've got no control over it.

Kat.

We don't feel alone.

There are other parents there, going through the same thing as us.

You know, we can empathise with each other. Like a little gang.

And next month it'll be the same. But with a different set.

And the same again at the next hospital.

Cos we'll all get through it together, won't we? Somehow.

There you go.

Making Janine and I even stronger.

And you trust each other?

Yeah. We're a family.

ALARMS BEEP

MORE ALARMS BEEP

Is he OK?

He's not breathing. Bag him.

No heart rate. Starting compressions.

One, two, three.

-What's going on?

-One, two, three.

I'll get IV access and bloods.

No spontaneous breathing.

Continue CPR.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three.

-I'll get a second line.

-One, two, three.

Come on, J.

Sorry, Janine. Can I ask you to wait outside for a while?

-But Scarlett, I...

-She'll be fine.

-Blood gas count?

-Come on, keep going.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One beef and ale pie.

Stick it in the over for what? 30 minutes at 190, good as gold.

You're all right.

No, Michael, take it, it's only going to go to waste, mate.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

And these should fit Scarlett when she's about nine months.

Thank you.

-Listen, give our love to the girls, yeah?

-Yeah.

What?

Kat, when Michael comes in, all right, I try to keep it light.

All that talk of hospitals and stuff, it just brings him down.

-Keep it light?

-Yeah.

All right, we'll just stick our heads in the sand, shall we?

You can't keep me in here all day, Shirley!

This stupid window don't open. I'll suffocate!

I think it's locked.

I'll tell the social then.

It's abuse is what it is and you'll go to jail.

You know what they do to child abusers in jail. You'll deserve it!

Fine!

SHE HITS THE WINDOW

Oi! Oi! Stop it.

-None of that.

-I can't breathe!

Do you know how much it costs to replace a window?

-You'd rather I died?

-You ain't going to die.

-No thanks to you.

-Look, just give it a rest, will you?

-You're the child abuser!

Locking me up like some kind of criminal.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant. I'm fragile and vulnerable.

If you were fragile and vulnerable you'd be on the sofa,

-eating cakes like the rest of the...

-HANDLE FALLS TO FLOOR

-You left the kitchen window open, didn't you?

-So?

There's a draught! Oh, my day...

Shirley, where is it? Shirley.

It's in the kitchen.

The knob is in the kitchen.

For my wife. I'll take them. Lovely.

45 quid, is it? Bit steep.

-You pay for quality, right? Keep the change.

-Thank you.

-Do you wear them?

-Never.

Charity shop.

But I might.

Well, if you haven't, you won't.

You are a clever girl.

You going somewhere, Mum?

Yeah, going to Dot's for a while.

Really?

She's not well, her hip's really playing her up, badly.

She needs a bit of looking after, bless her.

-Sandy and Dotty are at the end of their tether.

-For how long?

-Who knows?

-Well, we're packing for four seasons.

So, when do you go?

-It's all right. He'll understand.

-Today.

Goo... Wow. Wow.

Are you OK with that?

Yeah, just a bit of a shock, that's all.

-Well, I can stay.

-No! No, I mean, if Auntie Dot needs you...

-She does.

-Then today it is. What can I do to help?

-Help! Help!

-Help! Is anybody there?

Help! Please!

If the window wasn't locked we could open it. And someone might hear us.

I didn't know we were going to get stuck in here, did I?

Obviously. I'm smashing it.

-No, you're not.

-Why?

-Cos that's 200 quid's worth. Have you got that?

We don't have to replace it.

Don't be so stupid!

What? It's really warm outside. And what if I go into labour?

-You're not going to go into labour.

-How do you know?

Because if it comes out, I'll shove it back in again.

What if they never find us?

What if they find us in, like, 30 years

and we're just skeletons.

In old jeans! Massive maternity jeans.

They're going to think I was fat. We've got to get out of here.

We just have to wait for Billy. He won't be long.

What if he never comes home?

What if he's been hit by a bus or kidnapped by some gangsters?

And he never comes home.

What if he's been bitten by a rabid dog and he's just out there,

on the street, just foaming at the mouth, never knowing that

his beloved granddaughter was slowly starving to death with an old lady.

-Oi.

-It'll just be you and me. In here.

For ever.

BOTH: Help! Help!

Please help!

Would you like to hold her?

Mate, I know she's really punctual, but she's really busy. So that's...

I understand. Why don't you come to my office. 20 minutes.

OK, 20 minutes, yeah? Cheers, mate.

Bill. Bill!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

-The code's changed.

-I don't know anything about that.

This boiler guy...he's ringing me every 20 minutes.

-Who's changed it?

-I've got a bit of filing to do.

-Don't move!

Billy, don't move.

-What's the new one?

-I don't know.

Billy.

-She'll kill me.

-Billy, I will kill you. And I'm here.