23/06/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

Abi! Come on, darling, we're waiting!

Look what I've got!

Oh, wow!

Fruit again? My favourite.

Oi, I picked all the green bits off the strawberries myself.

That's enough, that's enough! I should hope so.

Stop it, it's tropical, isn't it? It's in honour of Abi.

In fact, bear with me for a minute, cringey mum moment coming up,

I would like to make a toast.

A toast. Say cheers to Abi.

And Costa Rica!

Costa Rica.

Well, thanks, but I'd better go get ready, so...

Oh, well, don't go making any plans! We've got far too much to do.

We've got to make sure you've got your injections, sun cream...

But I was going to go meet...

We've only a couple of days.

And you're going to be thousands of miles away

and Walford will be a very distant, grey, memory.

Blimey, do you ever get the feeling your mum'd rather be somewhere else?

SHE GROANS

What now, my love?

It's this.

It's gorgeous.

It's the size of Norfolk. Like me.

You saying it doesn't fit you?

It fits perfectly, Michael. That's the problem.

So you want to get a smaller one so you can rip it up, like last time?

Here you are, look at this. This'll cheer you up.

Look.

Morgan is going to look so cute in that!

DOORBELL RINGS

That's going to be the lady from the boutique with our shoes!

PHONE RINGS

Get that, will you?

Hello?

No, it's Whitney.

Right.

-Brilliant, thank you very much. Do you need me to sign?

-Problem?

Thank you.

OK, give him my love.

Bye.

OK, so I might look like an elephant in a doily

but at least my family are all going to look good.

SHE GIGGLES WITH PLEASURE

What?

Whitney?!

Thank you.

Alfie, I want to be useful.

But I can't contribute financially,

because Michael has got me sacked from the flower stall.

Like he got me sacked from my cleaning job.

OK, Jean, listen up OK, I've had a word with Trace,

-she's quite happy for you to have your job back, all right.

-Really?

As soon as Michael and Janine's flowers are out the way, yeah?

I've got to work!

I've got to pay Eddie back as soon as possible.

I dunno how you sleep when he cries like that.

Bit of music, eh?

I've just seen Roxy, didn't realise you'd fired her. Well done, girl.

You should see the vans pulling up outside Janine's.

Fancy shoes, cakes, the only thing missing is her dad's shotgun.

Yeah, well he'll be turning in his grave at how she's turned out.

Oi, oi, oi, you need to stop thinking about them two, all right?

So, basically unless we raise Pat from the grave,

my entire family are swerving the wedding?

Did you hear what I just said?

Liam is laid up in hospital with a broken arm in two places!

He's going to need an operation, and pins and everything.

Michael! Well, can't you just talk to them?

I need to be there.

You are not going anywhere!

It's not my fault that Liam was stupid enough to break a limb.

-Why should that even ruin my big day?

-You're unbelievable.

-Michael!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. Cheers.

Who was that?

Never you mind.

Look on the bright side, it's a few less mouths to feed.

I've seen Ricky eat.

SAFE BEEPS

SHE SIGHS

Just get them here.

No. Money's not going to fix this, Janine. I've cancelled the limos.

Whitney...please.

No. I've got be somewhere.

Where? Michael?

You reckon Ty's turned up to see Popsicle in her PJs?

-I do not fancy her.

-Oh yeah, whatever.

Yeah, we ain't forgotten last time, cos she knocked you back.

All right, we haven't forgotten that when you were seeing her,

you were getting it on with her best mate.

Awk-ward, brother. Hey-hey.

You look...

Tired?

What he means...

What he means is that you look low-key, you know, you know,

subtle, sweetheart...plain.

Yeah, and what he means is only beautiful girls

can pull off that, you know, no make-up, bare shiny face look.

Babe, you all right?

Mm. I forgot how...

..relaxed you all are about hygiene.

SHE MOANS

My life is so...

depressing.

SHE SOBS

I've come for what you owe me...

I haven't got anything.

You've got enough to get that fixed.

Hardly the actions of a skint businesswoman.

You can't keep doing this.

Oh, is that right?

Because of you

I've got so many authorities breathing down my neck,

I'm getting a crick.

But worse, worse than that, you got between me and my daughter.

That's why I'm fining you.

Now, I don't go round hurting little girls.

As long as they pay their debts.

When you've paid me back enough to cover your misdemeanour,

then I'll stop.

I'll come back when that's a bit fuller.

Shame on you.

And shame on Ian Beale for leaving you on your own.

Give us a hand.

Cor, what the hell you got in there?

What HAVE you got in there?

You show me yours first.

It's just a few bits Alfie's asked me to dig out for Tommy's nursery.

Nursery?

Yeah, something about him keeping Kat up all night,

he wants him to have his own room.

I bet he flipping does.

Me and you are going to get flung in together! Like refugees!

I don't mind.

It's a shame this stuff's so naff.

Still, best I could do on Alfie's budget, eh.

So...Tommy has to make do with a manky one-eyed teddy

and a flipping horrible blanket?

Things ain't that bad, Jean.

Tommy's got loads of toys, ain't he?

-All right, show us yours, then.

-Yeah, come on. What we got?

-Where did you get them?

-I've seen nothing.

I thought they'd be something we could flog, make a few quid?

It's the least we deserve! Who's going to want that?

SHE LAUGHS

Two McKlunky's specials coming up.

Hiya. I thought you were supposed to be some superstar DJ,

but you're a chicken-fryer.

You two, you two think you're funny, don't you, all right?

You are now talking to a bona fide, full-time paid member

of the McKlunky's special task force, all right.

Where pige... chicken is our mission and satisfaction is our passion.

I mean, someone would actually think you meant that.

You see that sign there? See that?

Abuse of employees, EMPLOYEES, will not be tolerated, all right?

So what does bigmouth want?

Oi, Jay, this ain't a bus station, mate.

You have to buy something or get out.

Oh, if it ain't Princess Abi of Costa Rica.

Your mum's told everyone. Well done, Abs.

Ben says you ain't getting paid for it.

You must be though, right?

Digging round for some stupid turtle eggs or whatever?

Well, it's a conservation project, everyone volunteers.

Erm, why?

Because it's something they really care about.

-They'll want to put you in the newspaper, an' all.

-Why?

Cos only ten geeks in the whole of England got picked.

-And our geek's one of 'em.

-No, I meant...

She's not going now.

Go on, show 'em.

Them turtles are going to have to wait. Because...

we're getting married.

No, no, no, you listen to me.

I'm missing 120 customised mugs and if I don't get...

SHE GASPS

SHE MOANS IN PAIN

SHE EXHALES HEAVILY

'Hello, it's Michael. Leave a message.'

SHE GASPS AND MOANS

You know what, Scabs,

I think this is the most interesting thing you've ever done.

We just need to find a way of telling your mum and dad

that the big trip's off, that's all.

Why does getting engaged mean she can't go?

Why have you always got to stick the boot in?

-I've gotta go.

-You only just got here!

Yeah, I said I'd take some books back to school.

Why should you get this tatty rubbish

when your baby sister gets brand-new everything?

Go!

Yeah, go.

You know, they stole from me and your mummy and daddy

when they've already got everything that they could wish for.

Not fair, is it? Hmm?

I've been looking for you everywhere.

-How come you haven't replied to my texts?

-Hang on!

You think you deserve my shoulder to cry on, then, do you?

Can't we just forget that rubbish for five minutes?

I mean, why are you being such a selfish cow?!

Charming.

Come on, Nan.

I'm pretty sure it's a urinary tract infection.

It felt like I was dying.

They can be incredibly painful.

The good news is, it should be easily sorted and your baby's fine.

So what do I do?

We need to get you some antibiotics and make sure you stay...

PHONE RINGS

..hydrated.

Whitney! Any news?

I don't believe this!

I'll have to call you back in ten minutes.

Problem?

Yes, one of the many that come with owning a business,

a runaway fiance, a wedding to organise this week,

120 missing mugs and an entire missing family.

Apart from that, everything is problem-free, doc.

Sorry, it's your wedding this week?

Yes, we've got a marquee across the Square, 400 quails eggs,

dozens of bottles of champagne.

And, like I said, a missing family.

So that's going to mean an awful lot of leftovers.

It sounds extremely stressful.

Which really isn't good for the baby.

Well, yeah, but you said that I could just drink some water...

For the infection. You're forgetting you're heavily pregnant.

You should be winding down,

preparing for the rigours of childbirth.

Yeah, but hang on a minute,

you read about those women that work right up until they go into labour.

It's rarer than you think.

And I definitely wouldn't recommend the emotional roller coaster

you just described.

-It's a shame you can't postpone for a couple of months.

-The birth?

The wedding.

D'you know, I reckon you're going to be one of those househusbands.

Cos, I mean, Abi's going to earn way more than you.

Where's Phil?

Gone away with Shirley, he'll be back tomorrow though.

-You all right?

-Mind your own business.

Is this... Is this about Ian?

Jean, please...

D'you know, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a big fat cushion

stuffed up there, just so you can get Michael to marry you.

You are mad!

Do you think it's fair that little Tommy should suffer?

I mean, if Michael can steal from his own child

what makes you think he'll treat yours any better?

Do you think Janine'll like it?

You're joking, aren't you? She's left us word-for-word instructions.

Right down to what hair grips to use. She's going to love it.

Right, well, I'll make a move, then.

Thanks. And you know good luck et cetera. With life and that.

That's all a bit final, innit.

Well, all the wedding stuff's all sorted and, you know,

Gaynor'll be back soon, so...

Yeah actually, I was hoping,

and I know it's a big ask what with you being so busy and everything,

but I was hoping you'd stay on till the actual wedding's done.

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

Yeah great! Thanks, yeah!

You sure your clients can spare you?

The only dates in my diary are with the Jobcentre

and the ice-cream van.

Oh, darling, I was wondering why a successful shellac nail artist

was ripping my hand off for a couple of days' work.

Oh, sweetheart, come here.

It's such a hard time to be setting up on your own.

You will get there, though.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, how about I give you three days a week,

see how you get on, eh?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Oh, good. Shall we celebrate? I fancy some ice cream.

Mint choc chip?

Caramel with chopped-up frosted pecans

and chocolate-covered popcorn.

Arghhh!

THEY GIGGLE

Here you go. Cheers, sweetheart, thank you.

Can't arrange a stag without the groom's oldest.

-Right, so we're having it here, yeah?

-Can we do this later, yeah?

I've got to be somewhere. I'll see you later, boys.

Yeah, see you later, Michael.

Oh, here we go. Here's the little man.

-All right, Jean?

-All right, sweetheart.

-So where have you been all day then?

-Me?

Well, I've been helping Michael, getting these.

-Look at them.

-Very nice.

-Hands off!

You do know Ty reckons he should be best man.

-I look better in photos.

-Yeah?

-Alfie?

-Yes, darling?

I've been putting pressure on Janine to expose Michael,

but I can't do it on my own, I need you to...

Alfie!

Jean, please. I'm trying to run a pub here, all right. Just...

Don't be... What are you doing? Don't keep banging it, it ain't going to work then, is it?

As the actress says to the bishop.

-Magic touch, Alf.

-Yeah, all right.

You don't mind me being best man, do you?

Nah, listen, head usher's all I can take.

Knowing us, we'll have a row before tomorrow

-and I'll be banned from everything.

-They've gone!

-Oh, here we go.

-No, Jack, I'm serious.

-Yeah, right.

Kat! Kat close the doors. No-one leaves. Jack, I'm serious, mate.

Yes!

Look what we've got.

-Shall we tell them now?

-No way!

You haven't changed your mind, have you?

What you two whispering about? Come on, come and sit down.

What's all this? Abi, you ain't pregnant, are you?

Of course she's not!

No. My Abi's going to be a high flier, aren't you darling?

Not some housewife in a pinny.

-Juice, Jay?

-Cheers.

-Ooh, sorry.

-Sorry!

-Max, get a cloth, quick.

Sorry about that, Tan.

Do you fancy the pictures later?

Mum, I'd love to, but I want to spend as much time with Abs

as possible before she goes.

-It's stuck.

-Pull it off.

-I'm trying.

-Just pull it really hard.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-It's stuck.

Get that, will you, Lauren?

Sorry, I forgot golden children can't possibly open doors.

What are you doing in there?

I bet he brings a tea towel back.

Why do men do that?

Abigail! Congratulations! Y'know you get your brains from me, don't you?

Do you have to remind her you're related. You'll give her nightmares.

Right, everyone, sit down.

You all right, Del?

It's not stealing, not properly. Cos it's the right thing to do.

-It is stealing!

-Yeah well, you and Mo gave me the idea.

You stole a box of mugs!

What?

You said that if we took all their wedding stuff

and we sold it, we'd get all our money back. Our money!

Oh, well done, Kat.

You caught her in time, didn't ya!

Jean, give me the rings, sweetheart. Jean, rings now, darling. Thank you.

Do you know what would've happened if you be caught flogging these?

Michael and Janine would've had you banged up

in Holloway before it went dark!

In the battle of good versus evil, good will always win. Always!

Kat, will you talk to her, please?

He's right. This is exactly what they wanted you to do.

Well, I'm sorry. But it was that one-eyed teddy and the rubbish lamp,

and I just didn't want Tommy to go without.

I understand. Now, give Tommy to me. Come on.

Jean, without any evidence, sweetheart, it's all pointless.

You've got to let it go, all right? Let it go.

Come on, mate.

Cake, anyone? I got you cherry bakewells.

No Battenberg?

-Shall we make a toast?

-Good idea.

Another one?

Raise your glasses if you will, to our beautiful, brainy, daughter.

Oh, don't, no, Dad, don't, cos I'll blush.

-To Abi!

-To Abi!

Well, go on, raise your glass.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll get it!

Oh, right,

so is this the bit where we toast my all-round fabulosity then?

We'll have to widen them doors, your head gets any bigger.

What do you want?

Lauren, if you want to talk to your drinking buddy,

go to your room, please.

This is Abi's big day. Why don't I bring Lauren back inside?

No, she'll be fine.

It's my dad...

Well, hold on, I was a selfish cow earlier?

I lied about the honeymoon. I don't know where he is.

What?

I've kept everything going - the business, Bobby -

I dunno how much longer I can do it, not on my own.

Well, OK, slow down.

I'm so scared.

Scared? Why?

I've got to go.

Lucy, wait!

Lauren, you better come back inside before Jay eats all the cake.

About those rings...

Yeah, about those rings. It doesn't look good, does it?

Her nicking wedding rings, while you and Mo are nicking God knows what.

How can something a foot and a half long need a room of its own?

I'm lost.

You two! Forcing me and Jean to share a room.

I thought it was about time Tommy had his own room.

No, it's too soon. Anyway, Jean needs her own space now.

-I just thought you'd be pleased.

-Does that mean I can keep my room?

Shut up! He's getting a nursery, all right.

-Just leave it.

-Lovely.

These wedding rings, why did you have them?

Yeah, I meant to tell you. It's just that he, Michael, he...

I'm surprised you're all right with him having his stag do here.

I suppose that was your idea an' all?

Michael's stag do?

Kat, we need the cash, all right.

Yeah, the cash that he robbed off us!

It's a stag do and he's asked me...

Asked you what?

..if I can be his best man, all right.

SHE LAUGHS

You obviously said no!

Yes. Yes, well of course I said no.

I said no, straight away.

You don't always say no, though, do you?

Like when you're making big decisions without me.

Oh, really?

Big decisions like whether Tommy's going to get his own room or not?

Like that?

No.

Like taking thousands of quid off your little blonde mate.

Don't bother lying, again, she told me.

She told me everything!

DOOR OPENS

All right?

Didn't you listen to your messages?

I'm heavily pregnant, you should leave your phone on.

I have. It's been on all day.

I've been up and down the country

trying to sort this out for the wedding.

That's it. Keep your... Keep your eyes shut. Don't move.

Let's get rid of that.

HE TURNS TV OFF

OLD LOVE SONG PLAYS

Your mum and dad's favourite record.

My dad played this at Ricky's christening,

then it just sort of became their thing.

How did you know?

Oh, a bit of help from Whitney.

And a record dealer in Oxford.

We'll be all right.

It was going to be a surprise, you know.

It was going to be our, um... our first dance.

But I thought you needed cheering up.

You shouldn't have.

The wedding's off.

I'm just come for what you owe me. Quickly and quietly.

Oh, and that was very silly, what you did earlier.

Involving my family. I wouldn't do that again if I was you.

Stop playing games, Lucy.

See you tomorrow.

You, uh...

When you were talking about my dad...

Jean of all people said something.

That freak? She's nuts.

She said I should be sure

that you're going to be a good dad to our child.

She said that?

And you cancel our wedding based on that? Again?

Postponed. The doctor said that I'm stressed out.

Doctor? I don't even know about a doctor.

You've got 14 missed calls on your phone,

why else do you think?

She said any more stress could harm the baby.

The baby's all right, though?

You're not helping...

Jean. Yeah.

Jean!

Did you enjoy your lunch, darling?

Yeah.

Even with Derek burping at you across the table?

Shall we go for a walk?

-Thought you liked this film.

-Yeah, don't go anywhere.

We won't get to be together like this again for ages.

I'm going to miss you.

-Your nails look nice, don't they?

-Oh yeah, Poppy did them.

Did she? Yeah, she's done a lovely job...

What you doing?

I'm really sorry, but this is just madness.

We're engaged.

And Abi's not going on her trip, because we're getting married.

And I wouldn't mind a complimentary hairdo occasionally,

if you're hanging about.

Yeah, sure.

Lauren's nan just offered me a place where she lives.

And Tanya's given me a job! Group hug, please!

Love your work, love your work, love your work. Come here.

So exciting!

Ah, My fairy god-brother.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Just forget it.

-Has Alfie told you I'm going to be his number two?

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Didn't know you knew anything about football.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reckons she knows a lot about blokes.

Well, she's had plenty of practice!

ALL LAUGH

-You!

-Ahh!

Thanks to you, Janine's stressed out, you think that's good for my baby?

You're lying again!

Leave her alone!

I felt sorry for you, I pitied you and you what,

you try and ruin my life?

Michael, oi, oi, oi! What's the matter?

I'm going to make you pay for this.

-Alfie!

-We can't get involved...

-You cannot let him talk to her like that!

-Ray, Ray.

-Ray, get him out.

-Come on, mate, outside, all right?

-No-one gets me out!

-Michael, that's enough.

-I'm going to make you pay, girl!

I already have!

That's enough. Come on, let's go, let's go. Come on, outside!

If I was you, I'd sleep with one eye open.

Shame you can't choose your family, ain't it, boys, eh?

But you can choose your husband.

Don't let them spoil everything. They're jealous!

We have to get married now, just to prove them all wrong.

THUNDER CLAP

Look at me, look at me.

Come here, look at me, look at me. I promised you.

I promised you I'd look after you, didn't I?

I promised you I'd take care of both of you. Both of you.

BANGING

Tommy. Tommy...

Kat, sweetheart! Let him have a lie-in, darling.

Alfie! Alfie! Alfie, he's not here!

Look at this. What a monstrosity, eh?

Still, it's quite fitting, really -

Janine getting married in a circus tent.

RADIO PLAYS

Where is he? She's come back for him, hasn't she? She's come back.

-No, just try and keep calm. Kat!

-She's taken my little boy!

-Kat.

What're you all doing down here?

Has something happened?

-You almost gave us a heart attack, that's what.

-I couldn't sleep and Tommy was crying...

Oh, I am so sorry, Kat.

-I can't do this any more, Alfie. He's coming back with us.

-Kat, just give it a few more days.

What were you thinking, Jean, just taking him like that?

Well... The fresh air settled him.

Always worked with Stacey.

# Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married

# Going to the chapel and we're... #

This was supposed to be finished last night!

-The tent boys got delayed in Basildon.

-How is that my problem?

They've been working ever so hard.

Not hard enough, clearly. I am getting married tomorrow, in case that's escaped anybody's attention?

-Chance'd be a fine thing.

-Billy. I need you to coordinate with the caterers.

-Make sure they know where they're going and at what time.

-Yes, mi'lady.

You're supposed to be taking it easy!

Why do you think I'm delegating? I'd much rather be doing these jobs myself.

-Right. Well, I rang Ricky.

-Oh? And?

There's still no answer.

Will you please go back to the house and keep trying? OK?

No, no, don't say it. Please don't say it.

I can't handle it. Not today.

You. Where do you think you're going?

I am a hygiene operative. Not the hired help.

As long as I'm paying you, you'll do whatever I say.

And I have got 100 goody bags that need stuffing.

I love it when you talk filth, girl.

Do you know how many people are waiting for all of this to come crashing down?

-They're jealous. They're jealous you're gonna marry the most eligible bachelor on the Square.

-Oh!

Is that what it is?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're gonna prove all those haters wrong.

Every last one of them.

I was meant to ring the photographer! I forgot to do it.

Just get a minion to do it.

No. I gotta go.

OK.

Here's to the next 50 years, yeah?

Yeah.

You're gonna have to talk to her, Kat.

Back to that again, are we?

Back to what?

You taking sides. Sticking up for that thieving rat.

Stop, stop. This ain't about taking sides.

All right? This is about what's best for Jean.

She's just having a bad few days, that's all.

-You think that's all it is, do you?

-So what're you saying, Alfie?

That I don't know how to look after her?

-I'm really sorry about this morning.

-No, no.

No harm done.

Haven't really been sleeping much recently.

-That's because you've been getting yourself worked up.

-Are you still taking your pills, Jean?

Yes, she is!

I saw him this morning through the window. Staring at me.

Listen to me.

You've got to promise you won't go anywhere near him. Is that understood?

All I want is for him to look me in the eye

and tell me why he's making up all these terrible lies.

Jean, just lie low, yeah?

Just until this all blows over. Yeah?

Hey!

Here she is!

What're you all doing?

-Just having a little celebration. Your engagement.

-Could someone bring me up to speed?

-Abi's decided to jack in school and become a stay-at-home mum.

-I never said that.

-I should get onto the council, get you on the housing list.

-Yeah!

-Are you sure about this, Abi?

-Course she's sure about it.

-She wouldn't just get engaged for the sake of it!

-What happened to your vet course?

Oh, no, Mum. Abi's decided she don't want to be a vet.

No, she took a look at Fat Boy in McKlunky's and thought, "That's the life for me."

I know what you're trying to do.

-We're just toasting your success. Two school drop-outs in one family.

-I am here, you know.

What every parent dreams of. So, a toast, if you will, please. To Abi Branning...

-Oh. Mitchell.

-Oh, yeah, Mitchell. Yeah.

She promised so much, she delivered so little.

Cheers.

Alice.

Alice, is that you?

You all right?

What are you doing in there?

-One of the girls from the recruitment agency's leaving to be a club rep, isn't she?

-Oh!

So I needed something to wear to her leaving party.

Is that what you're gonna wear, is it?

I never thought you were that type of girl, Alice, but...

S'matter? You all right?

Apart from making a complete fool of myself, you mean?

Where does your mother think you are today?

-It's my day off. She thinks I'm shopping in Stratford.

-Oh. See, we'll make a Branning of you yet.

That Moon boy still sniffing around, is he?

As if he would ever be interested in me.

What're you talking about? You're a league apart from these girls round here.

You have to say that. You're my dad.

It's true, though.

Here, where you going?

I was gonna go see Lucy.

No. No. I don't want you near that girl.

She's trouble.

Someone's hard at work.

I don't know why I bothered.

So has Derek been back, then?

It's all right. I've told her.

-You had no right.

-Lucy. We just want to help ya.

I don't need your help, all right?

Have you called the police?

-I can't.

-Yeah, you can.

-I'll do it for you right now.

-No, you don't understand!

If you call the police, they'll take Bobby away.

What about your dad, eh?

Well, he's gone.

-Gone where?

-I don't know. No-one does.

If anyone asks, he's still with Peter, all right?

Why didn't you say anything?

Because I thought he'd come back, didn't I?

What kind of dad just leaves their kids? No warning, no nothing.

Just a drawer full of red bills and no-one to help me.

Oh, my days. Look at you ladies. Look at you.

If I squint a little bit, I can see Dot, Cora and Rose sitting round this table, like,

a good 20 years ago.

So. Who wants to guess what's in my pocket? Huh? Huh?

Fats, if this is one of your crazy chat-up lines, we're really busy.

Sorry.

No, no, no. It is popping off in Hackney this weekend.

-Come on!

-You got the tickets?

Yes. These bad boys, they dropped on the doormat this morning.

So tell me, who loves Fats now?

Oh, come on, man, it's JayZ! It's Rhi-Rhi!

OK, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll leave these here.

And, y'know, maybe you can thank me later.

How are you for money and stuff?

Not great.

OK, well, I know that this isn't much,

but...there you go.

Yeah.

It's not your problem.

It is now.

Ricky, it's me.

Again.

Please, can you call me back when you get this?

Janice. A word.

Not now, Kim.

I promised my guests a panoramic view of London.

And what do they get?

A sweaty builder and a big giant wigwam, that's what.

Take it up with Walford Council.

Y'know, I've got a good mind to sue for compensation. That's unless...

Unless...?

You know me, Janice. I love a good wedding.

Well, then, you can always toast me from across the Square.

I'll ask Michael, then.

Janine. Some bloke outside wants to know what to do with the chairs.

I can only assume you didn't see the giant tent erected in the middle of the Square.

-I'd like to buy some flowers for Kat.

-Great big ugly thing there.

Yeah, blocking my view.

-Billy, will you show him where to go?

-I've got to sort out the caterers!

I'll just do everything myself, then, shall I? ..Ah!

What's the matter?

Janine...

Janine, you all right?

Janine?

I'm fine. Think she's just kicking, that's all.

Why don't you all stand round and let the pregnant woman do the graft?!

-Rose. Help the man, will ya?

-Always happy to help a man if I can. Come on, darling.

-I'm fine. She's just kicking. Will you stop fussing over me?

-The doctor said no undue stress, Janine.

Well, that's very difficult with your stalker over there.

Any more from her and I'll stick her on Shutter Island.

Just trust me. Trust me. Nothing's gonna go wrong. It'll be fine.

-OK.

-All right, all right?

Come on.

Mr Moon?

Who's asking?

DS Kain. Walford CID.

I wondered if you'd care to accompany me to the station?

-What for?

-An allegation of fraud has been made.

And it's our job to investigate these claims.

I told your lot before, the woman, she's obsessed with me. She's been harassing me for months.

That's as may be. But there's still some questions I need to ask you.

-It's gonna have to wait, mate, cos I'm getting married tomorrow.

-I understand.

Please forgive the intrusion.

Of course, I could arrest you, Mr Moon.

The choice is entirely yours.

He hasn't done anything wrong.

-Here.

-No!

I love you.

I love you. Michael?

I mean, exploiting a vulnerable woman like that.

That's unforgivable.

I tell you something, Kat, if he did that to one of my family,

he'd be eating his dinner out of a straw, make no mistake.

Hello, Lauren.

Come and join your Uncle Derek for a drink, eh?

I can't. I'm helping Lucy out this afternoon.

You don't want to be working in that chippy. Your dad wouldn't be happy.

Lucy needs all the help she can get right now, don't she?

She looks after me, and I look after her.

That's how it's always been.

I'm very glad to hear it.

Got your message. You wanted to see me?

You keen on my daughter?

No!

I didn't mean it like that. It's just, um...

you know, I barely know her.

-Are you saying there's something wrong with her?

-Oh, no. She's lovely.

She's just not my, you know...

You see, the trouble with my Alice is she lacks confidence.

Needs someone to make her feel special.

-D'you understand what I'm saying?

-Yeah, yeah. I think so.

Good. I'm glad we agree on something.

So can I go? Is that me done?

I'll tell her you'll pick her up at 5.30, shall I?

What?

That little girl is my angel.

So it's hands above the table at all times.

Do I make myself clear?

Yeah. Crystal.

You'll never guess what! They've only gone and arrested Michael.

-What?

-That's lovely.

If that ain't cause for celebration, I don't know what is.

-What're you talking about?

-They just took him away in a police car just now.

I wanna get down the police station, find out what's...

Sweetheart, let's not get carried away, eh?

What? Kat, what you looking at me like that for?

-They probably want to ask him a few questions, that's all.

-Ignore Alfie. I hope they throw the book at him.

Alfie's right.

-I'm getting ahead of myself.

-I don't want to build your hopes up. You know what the Old Bill are like.

He's right, Jean. That slippery little weasel, he can talk his way out of anything.

Hey, guess what I've got in my pocket? A little surprise for you.

Look at this - return ticket to Margate.

-What you doing?

-Thought Jean might want to go away for a few days.

-Since when?

I had a word with the Wendys. They're looking forward to seeing you. Y'know, spend a few days.

Some sea air. Some whelks.

Bit of fun on the beach. What d'you reckon?

You want to get rid of me?

-No! Course I don't, darling.

-Then why're you sending me away?

Oh. I get it.

-I'm embarrassing you.

-No, no, Jean...

No, don't worry. I'll be gone by the end of the day.

Jean!

I'd say, "Listen, Del. No offence, but your daughter's a goon. I wouldn't be seen dead with her."

If I said that, I may as well throw myself in concrete and be done with it.

Janine, where do you want us?

Ushers at the front. Is that right? I dunno where Jack is. I called him, but...

-The rehearsal's cancelled.

-Oh! Let me guess.

-You've found out he's been knocking Roxy off on the side.

-Ty.

-It's either that or he's done a runner.

-Oi.

Sorry.

Is everything all right, Janine?

Can you just go, please, both of you?

Do you trust him?

I know that you've had your run-ins, and that,

but he's still your brother.

He loves you. All right? That's all you need to worry about.

That's not an answer.

Have you got planning permission for this eyesore?

Not now, Cora.

Only I like to sit in the park after work and have a fag.

Not to mention the inconvenience of having to go round the Square.

That's added at least three minutes to my journey this morning...

What's up?

Everybody out!

You want to be careful, Janine.

I almost caught a glimpse of someone human then.

Well, don't just stand there! Take an early lunch or something.

Can you just leave those by the gate?

-Was there something else?

-Well, a hug would be nice.

Diane!

Why didn't you say that you were coming?

-Look at the size of you! Look at this.

-Pregnant.

So, you gonna give me a hand with my bags?

Um...well, I am with child.

This is one delivery you won't mind helping with. Come on.

Don't suppose you've got a spare 20, have you?

Ricky Butcher, I could kill you.

Steady on. Did Whit tell you that Liam's broke his arm?

Forget it. I'm just so pleased you're both here.

-I didn't think it'd be worth taking Morgan and Tiff out of school.

-I don't mind.

-It'd have to be a special occasion, wouldn't it?

-I know.

Surprise!

Thank you.

Where've you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.

Thinking of going back to Mum's, actually.

Um, I'll tell you what - why don't you take this?

Go in the salon and treat yourself.

You don't have to do that.

-You want to look nice for your date, don't you?

-What date?

Anthony Moon. He's picking you up at half past five.

Come on.

Get a wriggle on.

Why didn't he say anything?

I dunno. Shy, I s'pose.

Janine might have money for that monstrosity but she ain't got class.

I'm just waiting for my daughter to phone me back.

She always knows what to do.

These past few weeks ain't been easy for you, have they?

I'm used to it.

Rose tells me the Old Bill carted Michael off.

Nothing'll come of it.

Why do you say that?

He'll find a way to slither out of it, he always does.

So that's it then, is it?

You're just going to let him get away with it?

What else can I do?

Play him at his own game.

I've got no proof. He made sure of that.

Then find it. Chances are he's hiding something.

His sort always are.

Do you believe me?

I don't pretend to know what's going on in your head.

But I know what it's like to struggle.

I know what it's like not to want to get up in the morning.

From what I've heard, you've been fighting all your life.

One more round ain't gonna hurt.

-Why aren't you at the car lot?

-Hmm?

I just wanted to get this proposal finished.

Oh, right.

D'you think the bank's gonna help us out?

Dunno. I'm not going to the bank, am I?

Gonna see if Phil Mitchell wants to go into partnership.

Phil Mitchell? Are you serious?

Babe, it's either that or shut up shop now, so... What would you rather?

S'pose it's easier, ain't it? You can be planning Abi's wedding while you're flogging motors.

-Babe, it ain't gonna come to that. Trust me.

-Won't come to what?

Er, nothing.

-Good luck.

-Good luck.

You'll never guess what I found upstairs.

What were you doing in the loft?

Little bit of spring cleaning.

Look at this, eh?

Do you remember when you brought Rolf home? I hated that rat.

He was a gerbil.

Oh, was he? So what was Gilbert, then?

A chinchilla, of course.

Oh. Silly me.

Don't forget Marge 1 and Marge 2.

There they are, look. Lovely little ladies.

A real credit to you.

One of 'em was a boy. And then I had Musty.

And Sugar.

God rest his soul.

I always envied you, you know.

I know you shouldn't say that about your kids...

but you always knew what you wanted to do.

Just because I'm not going to Costa Rica doesn't mean I can't be a vet, Mum.

-You really made your mind up?

-I have.

There's nothing I can do to convince you?

-I love him.

-Oh, darling, I know you do.

So you'll give us your consent?

Well, if that's what you want, then I suppose I'll have to.

But please, darling, promise me this - never forget who you are.

What's that?

A bright, beautiful young lady with the whole world at her feet...

and there is no boy worth sacrificing all that for.

Did you see old twitchy knickers at the flower stall earlier?

-Don't talk about her like that.

-I forgot that you two got it on.

Who told you that?

I can't believe that crazy fruit loop could've actually been my step-grandmother.

-She ain't a fruit loop.

-What is she, then?

Well, I dunno. A bit...gullible, ain't she?

You know the sort.

-Goes to the market with a cow and comes home with a handful of magic beans...

-Magic beans!

-It's true!

-I was wondering if you might give these to Janine.

A sort of peace offering, if you like.

It's just that with her wedding tomorrow,

I didn't want there to be any hard feeling.

That's very kind of you, Jean.

Was there something else?

Just give them my best.

She's mad!

We've got this six-tiered cake, exclusive goody bags for all of the guests...

Oh, the perks of a multi-million pound inheritance.

-Oh, come on, we've talked about this.

-I'm not bitter.

I just hope it brings you more luck than it did the old crone.

So go on, then. Where've you hidden him?

-The groom!

-Oh, he is dealing with an emergency with the flowers.

-He should be back any time.

-What's he like?

Oh, actually...

pretty gorgeous.

Handsome. Should've guessed.

Weird.

And he's got a neck like this...

Oi.

Well, fourth time lucky, eh?

Yeah, well, practice makes perfect.

Try not to kill this one.

Thanks, Ricky. I can always rely on you to make me feel better.

It feels weird being back in this kitchen.

Last time I was here, we'd just lost Dad.

I keep expecting Pat to walk in,

seeing if I've come to me senses and found a decent bloke.

And how is Dr Suzanne?

She's taken Jacques to see her parents.

-So where is he?

-Who?!

Michael! I wanna go out and have a couple of beers.

Come on, what is with all the questions?

Anyway, I was thinking, Ricky, you and the kids could stay here.

-I'll put Diane up at mine, yeah?

-Has something happened?

-No. Absolutely nothing for you to worry about.

-So!

Who's that?

-Who do we have here, then?

-Uncle Derek!

I ain't half missed you two! Hello, Ricky.

-All right, mate.

-Hello. So where's Carol?

Oh, she's looking after Liam.

Oh. Well, I hope you haven't had a wasted journey.

-Has something happened?

-Hasn't she told you?

-No.

The groom's only gone and got himself nicked, ain't he?

-Shut up!

-Yeah, terrible business.

Blackmailing some poor disadvantaged widow, apparently.

Well, if you'll excuse me. My daughter has a date tonight.

Hello?

He's still not answering.

Yeah, well, he's probably on his way home.

This was supposed to be perfect.

A wedding that that lot would talk about for years.

I might as well just ring up and cancel it.

Do you think he took the money?

No, of course not.

Well, then the police are wasting their time, aren't they?

How's Bianca?

She lets me visit her now.

Oh, well, that's a start, I s'pose.

-I can't believe they're not gonna be here.

-Hm.

Dad'd be crying before we'd even left the house.

Pat'd be in one of her crazy outfits.

Cleavage everywhere.

Do you think they're together? Up there.

Oh, I'd put money on it.

-What do you reckon they're doing?

-I dread to think!

You don't have to do this if you don't want to...

-Do what?

-I need someone to give me away.

I could always ask Billy Mitchell, but...

Oi, I'm not having Billy Mitchell walk you down the aisle!

She's gonna be a right little madam, isn't she, eh?

You bet your life.

-Spoilt.

-Hates the world.

Sounds like another little girl I used to know.

I miss Pat, Ricky.

Yeah. Me too.

Right, that's it! We need to get out of here and start getting ready for tonight.

Sorry? What's tonight?

-We're not letting you get married without a send-off.

-Oh! Absolutely not. No way.

-You can rustle up a few friends, can't you?

-I'll give it a try.

-Do I have any say in this?

-It doesn't look that way.

Look, she's right, you know. Just go out and enjoy yourself.

So, that's the hen do sorted. The wedding.

Now all I need is a fiance.

So what I'm proposing is I get a few from the knacker's yard.

You do 'em up and then we'll split the profits. Yeah?

And what do I get out of it?

-Apart from a load of hard graft.

-It's all in there, ain't it?

A 60/40 split.

In favour of who?

Well, I ain't being funny, but you can get a monkey to change the spark plugs.

I'm the one doing all the running round, so...

I tell you what - I supply the cars. You flog 'em.

We split it 60/40. In favour of me.

Where you gonna get these motors?

Let me worry about that. So...we got a deal?

(Yeah.)

Who's going to know about this?

Just me and Jay.

-If he's not in Gretna Green by then.

-What you talking about?

Surprise engagement.

-Probably a knees up at yours, I expect.

-What engagement?

Keep hold, I want you to give 'em to Michael for tomorrow.

-That's your jo...

-(Just keep hold of 'em!)

-Problem?

-Nah, it's all good.

-Alfie's trying to palm me off the best man's rings - it's his gig.

Tell him, Alfie.

-Tell me what?

-That you told Michael where to stick his poxy wedding.

Not here, all right, Kat.

I think I better...

Yeah, yeah. You do that.

OK, listen, I was going to tell you, all right?

Before or after the conga across the Square?

Oi, gobby, d'you want to keep that shtoom? Thank y...

Listen to me. Michael - he's family.

-And so is Jean, or have you forgotten that?

-No, course I haven't.

Packing her off to Margate. All makes sense now.

-It wasn't like that...

-You don't think he took the money, do you?

Nan? Nan, he thinks Jean's a thief.

-Oi, hey, hey, hey! Don't twist it, all right?

-So what are you saying?

-I'm saying she's not well.

-Oh, here we go.

Want to think back to last Christmas? She wasn't well then.

We got there too late. D'you remember?

-I know how to look after her.

-Do ya?

-I just want my family back, that's all.

-Yeah?

Well, you better work out whose side you're on.

-FRONT DOOR OPENING Right, come on in.

-Thanks.

You are sure about this, aren't you?

Sure about what?

-How well do you know Michael?

-Well enough.

-I just don't want anyone taking advantage of you, that's all.

-Oh...

Well, you see, that is why God invented prenups.

Oh, why can that man never tidy up after himself?

It's typical. So, despite what you might think...and Ricky,

I'm not a little girl any more.

Where's Abi?

She's outside with Jay.

Tellin' you, that girl, she's breaking my heart.

OK, let's play a game, Mum, shall we?

Let's pretend that you've got three kids instead of just the one.

What've you done?

Why do you always assume that I've done something wrong?

Sorry, it's force of habit.

-It's not me, it's Uncle Derek.

-What about him?

Actually, d'you know what, just forget I said anything.

No, Lauren, you tell me. Tell me!

-Fine, I'll ask him myself, shall I?

-No, no, Mum, you can't. Just...

I mean it.

Well, then tell me.

He's been threatening Lucy.

Taking money from the till and all sorts.

-VOICES OUTSIDE:

-I take it this was your idea?

-I asked her if you must know.

So what'd you do? Take one look at Lola

and fancied a bit of the action, did you? What you thinking of?

Throwing your life away on a school girl!

You should be packing for Costa Rica, saving the turtles -

not running after some little scrote!

-So, she ain't up the duff?

-No, of course she isn't.

So, why've they got engaged?

Cos they're out of their tiny little minds, Phil, that's why.

You are needed at home.

-You can't keep me there for ever, Phil.

-What's he talking about?

I ain't having it.

-I ain't exactly going out buying my morning suit.

-We agree on that an' all.

-Er, this is supposed to be about us.

-Well, give him back the ring and we'll say no more about it.

Listen, me and Abi, we know what we want -

and that is to be together.

So school, Arches, Walford - we'll forget all about it if he have to.

-Because we're doing this with or without your blessing, right, Abs?

-Yeah.

And if you'll excuse us, we've got a wedding to go and plan.

-We'll be in touch in due course.

-"In due course", what does that mean exactly?

We're releasing you on police bail

whilst we finalise our investigation.

At that point we'll decide

whether there's enough evidence to prosecute.

Prosecute?

-Any sign of Jean?

-Knit and Natter haven't seen her since last Thursday.

-You don't reckon she's in trouble, do you?

-No!

She's not daft, Nan. She wouldn't do anything stupid.

Nah.

PHONE RINGING

-No veils or L plates, is that understood?

-Loud and clear!

Good.

FRONT DOOR CLOSING

JEAN EXHALES

-On time.

-Good boy.

Oh. You look, erm... You look nice.

-DEREK CLEARS HIS THROAT Thanks.

-Where's the flowers?

-Dad?!

-Oh, sorry, I forgot.

If that was Carol my old man would've kicked you into the kerb by now.

Just lucky that I'm a modern man.

-Shall we go then?

-Yeah.

So where you taking us?

I don't understand. What d'you mean?

You don't think I'd let my daughter out without a chaperone, do ya?

I know boys like you, Anthony, hm? I was young once meself.

-Well, come on then!

-Shall we?

FRONT DOOR CLOSING

You, erm, looking for something?

Who are you?

-I'll call Janine, if you like?

-No, there's no need for that.

Why are you in her house?

Well, I'm here for the wedding. Family!

I'm family, I'm Janine's sister.

Oh...

I'm on the groom's side.

-She never said anything.

-Oh, she wouldn't.

I'm only here for the button holes, then I'll be gone in a jiffy.

What was your name?

It's, erm...

Maggie...

Maggie Moon.

So I decided to keep it small. Just a few close friends, you know?

Hey.

Is this it?

Yeah. It's all I could do at short notice.

All right, boss?

Like a work's outing, isn't it?

You don't mind if I tag along, do you?

Make up for the inconvenience.

Please yourself.

Don't panic, Janice, Kimberley's here to get this party started!

LADIES CHEER Is there anyone else you wanted to invite?

Tracey or...I dunno, perhaps Marie from the cafe?

Oh, bad news, I'm afraid. Marie can't make it.

Her kid's got the trots but look, look, look...!

No, no, NO! I would rather stick pins in my eyes, thank you.

LADIES LAUGH

-Don't even think about it.

-For the bride-to-be.

Oi-oi, the stripper's arrived! Come on, Tam, show us your pecs.

-Show us your pecs.

-Is this it? Are there going to be more drunk women?

There's just one more.

Right, a toast, I think.

Yeah, a toast, to Janine and Michael.

-Janine and Michael.

-Janice and Michael.

-Hope she's paying for all this?

-She better be.

Keep the change, mate.

Is it Michael?

-Who the hell are you?

-I'm Diane, Janine's sister.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the eyes, I should've recognised.

-I'm off to meet her. I don't suppose she'd mind a gatecrasher.

-No.

I've got to shower. I stink of police.

-Well, if you hurry up you might catch your guest.

-What? Sorry?

She was picking up the buttonholes.

-Who was?

-Maggie her name was. Maggie Moon?

I'll, erm, see you later.

Ah, so, you ready for the big day tomorrow then?

You're persistent...

I'll give you that.

-Did they charge you?

-Sadly not.

-JEAN EXHALES

But then why would they?

Look at you. It's tragic really...

Seeing what life's done to you.

I won't let you get away with this.

I think you'll find I already have.

The police felt sorry for me...

..you know, being harassed...

..by that mad woman... across the Square.

I said, "Come on, boys, don't be too harsh. Show a bit of respect...

"You know...she can't help her funny little ways."

-Hopefully the judge will show you a bit of leniency.

-What judge?

Well...a significant sum of money has gone missing, Mrs Slater.

Somebody has to be held accountable.

But what's a couple of months inside?

Not like you'll be lonely.

All those voices...

in your head.

Right old racket, I bet.

-Why're you doing this?

-Cos I can.

But I didn't take the money.

Breaks my heart to see you like this.

-Why don't I call Brian to pick you up?

-Oh, no, stop it!

Cos you want to be well enough, don't you?

To pick up Stacey and Sean from school. Oh, no, I forgot, I FORGOT!

I forgot it's swimming tonight, ain't it? Sean's swimming tonight.

They're lovely kids...

really nice kids.

Real credit to their mother.

Mmm!

Sorry I'm late. Bumped into Michael.

-Where is he?

-He's just popped home to get changed.

-Is he all right?

-Yeah, a bit tired maybe.

I'd give him half an hour if I were you.

(OK.) Oh, everybody - this is my sister Diane.

-Hi.

-Hi, you all right.

Whitney tells me you're living with a French doctor.

-That's right.

-I had an entanglement with our doctor.

Lovely man he was.

He burnt down the B&B.

Come on, Tam. What advice have you got for our blushing bride?

Always listen to your mother.

She's dead.

Issues.

You know, you should come down tomorrow.

Have a bit of cake and crack onto some of Janice's single mates.

It's Janine. Why does she call you Janice?

It's anyone's guess.

So is the wedding still going ahead then?

-I just assumed what with the groom incarcerated...

-That's it.

-I think I'm going to go home.

-Just enjoy yourself.

And besides we haven't gone through my box of party games, people!

-Oh!

-Oh lovely.

-That's right!

I'm thinking...Mr and Mrs!

-JANINE EXHALES Give me strength.

-No arguments, Janice.

See now, THIS is where we find out how much you really know

about the mysterious Michael Moon.

Woo! Ha-ha!

You're not even fit to shine her shoes.

You know that, don't you?

I never lose, Jean.

Do well to retain that for future reference.

I...

..often wondered what Maggie looked like.

I expect she was very pretty.

Was she blonde or brunette?

I'm thinking dark...

like you.

Was she the thinker, Michael?

Is that what you get from her?

Cos your mind...it never stops, does it?

Maybe it was the fear...

..cos she must've been frightened, mustn't she?

Like you are.

No.

No, it's not that, it's...

..something else...

..I know what it is.

You're a coward.

Just like she was.

She must have been a coward, mustn't she?

Otherwise why else would she leave her little baby boy?

You don't know what you're talking about.

I don't mean to be cruel...

..it's only natural to be curious.

It's interesting, isn't it?

Wondering what it is that makes someone so cruel...

To lie...

steal...

..chip away at someone

until they start to think that they ARE actually losing their mind.

So...

..please...

..tell me...

..what sort of man does that make you?

So tell me, Anthony. What do you think about kids?

-Dad!

-What?