24/02/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

I hated half term with the kids running riot,

but at least it keeps that truant officer off my back for a week.

PHONE RINGS

Hey. Did you not you hear the phone? It was your solicitor.

She's got an appointment for you today if you want it.

It's a bit soon, ain't it?

I'd have thought soon was good. Unless you changed...

-No, no, no. No, I haven't.

-Alfie, do you promise?

-Rox, it's just finding a way of telling her...

-All right, look,

I know this is going to probably seem a bit insensitive

coming from me, but I think you've just got to tell her, you know?

I don't mean to eavesdrop, but have you got something to tell me?

-No, no, no, Jean. Not you.

-Jean,

there's something I need to tell you.

You're going to find out anyway, darling.

-CLEARS HER THROAT

-It's my day off today.

-Right.

Got any plans?

You.

Nah. Babe, I've got to work, ain't I?

I could just come with you. Be your secret weapon.

Right. So you know a lot about motors, do you?

You could do the talking, I could just stand next you.

(Babe, I'll see you tonight.)

-Phil!

-Yeah, that's right. I'm back.

Look, I'm sorry I'm a bit late.

It's just... I had a dodgy curry last night.

It was turning my stomach, I felt horrible...

You got your appetite back now, though, ain't you?

I'm going to dock you half a day's wages for the last three weeks.

-No, Phil, you can't do that...

-You do want some wages, right?

And you can pass the same message onto lazy Jay and AJ and all.

-When did you get back?

-Friday.

-What? Why didn't you tell me?

-I'm telling you now, aren't I?

-Where's Lexi?

-She's with Sharon.

-I can go and pick her up - I got the day off.

-No, you won't.

-Why not?

-I've got a meeting with Trish Barnes from Social Services.

-Then I'll come.

-I don't think so.

-No, you can't just stop me from seeing my daughter!

-Just calm down!

-You can see her this afternoon.

-No, I haven't seen her for three weeks!

Exactly. What difference is a couple of hours going to make, eh?

Divorce.

Just sounds so serious. Seems so final. You know, like, the end.

It's got to be done, though, for both our sakes...

I mean, you understand, don't you?

Oh, Jean, come on. Oi, oi, oi, oi.

Have I said something wrong?

I just always thought that you and Kat would get back together.

I know.

(I know.)

Oh, thanks, Dot.

Skiving off work again, are you?

I've never skived off work, Patrick, not for a day, as you well know.

No, I have changed shifts with Cora so as I could come and find out

if you'd straightened things out with Anthony.

Patrick?

-Oh, hello, Denise.

-Hi, Dot.

The nurse just told me - that's great news.

Although how I'll get everything ready in time, I don't know.

-What, are they letting you out?

-Tomorrow, yeah.

Oh! Well, I'm going to have to get you a room sorted out downstairs.

Actually, I'll have to tell Kim so she don't let it out...

-There's no need to.

-You can't stay upstairs with your leg like that!

I mean, I ain't coming back to Albert Square.

Why not?

Well, I was speaking with Anthony,

and he suggested that I move in with him up there.

We'll just see how things work out.

Give me a great chance, an opportunity, to get to know my grandchildren.

And Sophie... I mean, apparently she's an incredible cook, you know.

-Really?

-Mmm.

James, that is your last packet today.

-Have you worked with this age group before...?

-Oh, it's Whitney.

Whitney. Sorry, terrible with names.

-That's all right. No. Usually under-fives.

-Right.

Well, the thing to remember with the older kids

is that although it's supposed to be fun,

that doesn't mean abandoning all discipline.

They will run rings around you if you let them.

Don't worry - I can handle a bunch of 12-year-olds.

I've got two little brothers at home and a sister who's ten, but she thinks she's 16.

I'm sure you can.

Although it's great to draw on personal experiences,

you must maintain some boundaries.

-Oh, yeah, of course.

-I'm not patronising you, Whitney,

-I just want you to be prepared.

-Thanks.

And, by the way, my little brother, he hates being called a kid,

so I'm just guessing that maybe they feel the same way too.

Right. Good point. I'm sure we can both learn from each other.

All right.

SWITCHES TV OFF, CHILDREN GROAN

You noisy lot. Hands up if you like Plan B.

Great.

Lovely. I've got him. There you go.

-I'll see you later, Alfie, yeah?

-All right, darling.

-Ow!

-He's had quite a lot for breakfast

so don't let him tell you he's hungry. And he got up early this morning,

-so he might want to crash in a bit, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You fancy a coffee?

-Dad...

I would, but I'm in a bit of a rush. See you later, yeah?

-All right. Give your lovely mummy a kiss. Good boy.

-Love you.

-Bye.

-So will you be rushing off later, though?

-No, why?

Well, I just thought maybe me and you could have drinks upstairs?

Any reason?

-Truthfully, yeah. There's something I need to talk to you about.

-What?

-Can I tell you later?

-Can't you give me a hint?

No, it's nothing I can hint about, really.

-All right, I'll see you later, then.

-OK. See you later. Bye, Mummy.

What's the matter with you? You had a fight?

No. No, quite the opposite, actually.

Please. I don't normally mind salacious mental images,

but I draw the line at my ageing cousin.

OK. Thank you. He's not actually much older than you, is he?

-That's a lie.

-20 years.

Touchy. It's not love, is it?

-Yes, it is, actually.

-How ghastly. Be cautious, though.

You don't want to be collateral damage in that great love story.

Please! You don't know what you're talking about.

-I know that there'll never be a full stop with those two.

-Really?

-Yeah.

OK. So how comes he's asking her for a divorce right now? Hmm?

Michael, keep that to yourself, please. Michael...

Mi... Oh.

Glasgow!

This is from a man who complains if there's a bit of frost on the ground.

Oh - and you're going to love this -

apparently, Anthony's wife is an incredible cook!

Oh, yes, incredible. He actually used those words.

-She sounds well boring.

-Then there's the grandchildren - they're probably running around

-like the flaming von Trapps in kilts.

-So what, they sing?

What? No, I don't know. Probably. Probably dance and all, don't they?

Yeah, but I dance. I could dance for Patrick.

The point is, family, it's not about blood ties and doctor's salaries.

It's about being there, you know, day in, day out, and that's us, Kim.

-Mmm.

-We're like daughters to that man.

I know.

So why don't Patrick?

Dot, it's Scotland, not Timbuktu!

Yes, but you're hardly likely to know anybody up there, are you?

Yeah, but there's my son...

What about your friends? What about Denise and Kim and me?

Look, Anthony promised to look after me.

He's family - that's the way it should be.

You know, the girls, they don't owe me anything.

-Why don't you ask them?

-No.

That way there won't be no doubt about it.

No. No. And you must promise you won't say anything. OK?

-You are a silly, proud man, Patrick.

-Dorothy!

What was his body language like?

Just Alfie, really.

He was quite sweet.

Told Tommy to give me a kiss. Said I was his lovely mum.

-He's missing you.

-I doubt it.

Oh, come off it! He came to the police station at half five

in the flipping morning. Ricky wouldn't do that even if we were together.

Oi, you! You've been staring for the last minute.

Are you going to say hello or what?

Hello...or what.

You all right?

Fine.

Good. It's good to be fine. Seen Alfie?

Why? What's it to you?

Nothing. Nothing. Bye.

That was weird, wasn't it?

He is weird, though, ain't he?

I was...just about to clear them away, sorry.

Must be exhausting for you juggling everything.

-No, no, no, not really.

-How's Lexi?

She's good. Mum's been spoiling her rotten the last few weeks.

Have you heard about Lola since you've been back?

Her job at the salon's going really well,

so she's decided to do an apprenticeship.

Great, isn't it?

And she's attending all her parenting classes,

is even turning up early for her meetings.

Honestly, she's like a different girl -

it's the first time I've seen her really positive about her life.

Maybe it's having all that free time.

-No baby getting in the way.

-Maybe.

But all she talks about is Lexi.

And with any luck, she should have her back soon.

Bet you'll be relieved. No more dirty nappies and sleepless nights, eh?

You can go back to being a proper granddad.

So, we've got - trainers do the talking when I go out walking,

but why does it matter if my threads don't match my patter?

I've got a mate called Fats and he would love this.

What about you, got any ideas?

Hello?

Oi, don't touch me! I could get you done for that.

-What are you listening to?

-What's it to you?

Well, you're obviously into your music - got any ideas for lyrics?

Right, if you feel that way,

can you please go and play in the free area?

Happy here, thanks.

-I said move.

-Make me.

ALL: Oh!

You think you're big and you're clever?

You're the loser listening to... What is that?

Cheryl Cole?

THEY LAUGH

You pick that up right now!

Are you listening to me? I said, you pick that up right now!

Kyle, pick up the chair.

Don't make me have to ask twice because then I'll call your mum

and I don't think she'll be impressed if she has to leave work, do you?

Thank you.

-You OK, Britney?

-It's Whitney.

-Sorry.

-It's fine.

I just... I took the mick a bit and he just lost it.

-Well, social standing means a lot at their age.

-Really(?)

Yes.

You have to get to know them before you can treat them like family.

-Sharon.

-Oh, give me strength!

-What's he going to do, ask you out on another date?

-Behave, Jack.

-I'm not a trained dog, you know.

-Just had that social worker round,

-that Trish Barnes.

-Hmm?

-She reckons that Lola's doing well

-and she'll be getting Lexi back soon.

-And?

Well, do you think she's ready?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. Look, I don't see what the problem is.

I thought this is what we all wanted - Lola getting Lexi back?

I'm off to powder my nose.

What?

I ain't said a word, have I, Phillip?

Got any idea why I'm getting evils off Bianca?

Not that I'm aware of.

You haven't done it, have you?

Rox, I didn't have time this morning, sweetheart.

OK, all right. What about now? I'll watch the bar for five minutes.

-We were married for ten years, I don't think five minutes is going to cut it.

-OK, all right. Ten?

I'll do it when she comes to pick up Tommy later, all right?

Tyler's looking after the stall.

There's definitely something up with them two.

You reckon?

He's looking at you.

-Oh! You've gone all red!

-Shut up.

-What time you meeting him later?

-Five, why?

Better get your best underwear out, girl.

Hot chocolate and a doughnut, and one of those cookies.

and some of those sprinkles on my chocolate.

What's he done now, then?

Come on. All the symptoms are there.

All dressed up with nowhere to go,

a sugar binge and the expression my mum invented in the '90s.

So your boss is a nightmare - join the club.

Least she ain't a cyborg like Lister.

Might have something to do with the fact that you spend half your time in here

-rather than actually on the stall.

-Oi! You on his payroll or something?

Might be!

Well, I'm definitely a signed-up member and all.

Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. I'm Dexter.

-Yeah, you're Lauren's cousin?

-That's right.

-I'm Whitney.

-Tyler.

-You work for Phil, don't you?

Yeah. So I definitely top the evil bosses chart.

Least with him you know what you're getting.

The thing with my boss, Ava, she'll pretend to be on your side

-and then she'll just wait for you to trip up, know what I mean?

-Nightmare.

Worst thing is, I think she might be right.

-About what?

-About me, not being up to it.

Hey, come on, it's just your first day.

Come on. I reckon you need something stronger. On me.

All right.

-It'd about ten, I think, ten or 20... I think so.

-Rooney is just...

Oi, oi, 12 o'clock - Ava.

And she got my name wrong. My name's Whitney.

-I mean, how hard is that?

-Whit, Whit, Whit...

What?

-Oh. Hi, Ava.

-Hi.

-You ready, Dex? Do you want a lift?

-Yeah, come on, then.

-You two know each other?

-You could say that.

-She's my mum, innit?

-See you tomorrow.

-Why didn't he say anything?

-Oh, she's coming back.

-I'm so sacked.

-I'd say it was a definite possibility.

I forgot to say - it was a tough day today.

And you were fab. A real natural.

I'll see you tomorrow, WHITNEY.

Nice name, by the way.

Hello, gorgeous girl! Hello.

Just ten minutes, yeah? She's due her nap.

Oh, look at you! You've got a big girl.

Yeah. Not long before you're back home with Mummy, eh? Hey?

This beats crying into your cocoa, don't it?

I don't do crying.

You just flung your wedding ring off in a fit of anger, did you?

Look, I ain't stirring.

I'm past the point of caring who my dad's involved with.

I'm just saying what I see.

And what is that?

We both know how this is going to end, don't we?

You're going to go home, scream, shout, he's going to apologise...

then one day you'll find him in bed with a woman half your age.

-Look, no offence, but me and your mum, we're quite different.

-I know.

It's my dad that's the same.

Do you want another one? Joey said we could stay as long as we want.

Nah.

I think I'll leave it.

-All right. See you later, then.

-(Yeah.)

You look like a condemned man.

Sure?

About what?

Of course. Roxy's told you. Naughty, naughty.

-She shouldn't have done that.

-No, no, I guessed it.

I'm intuitive like that.

So you're sure, huh? It's you and Kat, though.

Yeah, I know.

-Kat...Alfie Moon. It fits.

-Yeah, Michael, stop.

-It feels right.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know, I know. Stop.

You are having second thoughts, though?

Cos think on this. If you go down this path,

there ain't no turning back.

-All right?

-Evening.

Still want that drink?

Yeah. Yeah. Come on.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Well, safe journey, Patrick.

Oh, do say hello to Anthony, won't you?

Anyway, we can always speak on the phone, and...

-There's always the internet, ain't there?

-Yeah.

Sure Anthony's got one of those little...camera thingies.

Erm... You all just take care of each other, please.

Yeah.

Right. Well... See you later, then, Pops, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Look, I can't stand by and watch you.

I can't stand by and watch you make yourselves miserable because of your silly pride!

Denise, Kim - Patrick thinks you don't want to look after him

because you didn't put yourselves down as next of kin.

Patrick, Denise and Kim think you'd rather go and live with Anthony,

so they're pretending not to care.

But I thought it was you that didn't want us to look after you!

Only because I didn't want to be a burden.

-It's never been a problem in the past, Pops.

-Kim!

-What?

-Course we want to look after you!

-Yeah!

You're like a dad to us!

(Am I?)

Come here.

Hey, don't hog him! Yeah?

Hey, hey, you trying to finish me off?

-Oh, sorry!

-ALL CHUCKLE

-Here you go.

-Where's Tommy?

-He's playing in his room.

-Is he all right, yeah?

Yeah, he's good, he's good.

He does the funniest little thing lately, have you seen him?

When he tries to tell you that something's hot?

-He blows his cheeks out like this...

-SHE PUFFS

Kat, there's something I need to tell you.

You're making me nervous, Alfie.

Come on. Just...just tell me.

I-I-I had this speech prepared, but I don't know...

My mind's gone blank.

-Why would you have a speech prepared? It's me!

-I know.

Come on, it's me! It's Kat!

(I know, I know, I know, I know.)

You know...

deep down, I love you, right?

Do you?

Mmm.

But...I know I can never trust you ever again.

Kat, I... I thought me and you were going to be for ever.

I did. I always believed it.

We had that dream, didn't we?

We always talked about us being some old codgers

on Brighton seafront, eating chips out of old newspaper

and you with your zip-up boots, laughing at my old jokes.

And then something weird happened.

I looked at us, and it wasn't us no more.

All I could see was me getting smaller and smaller

and not knowing who I was any more.

Kat, I'm...

I'm not saying this to hurt you, but you just need to understand, right?

I need to move on. I need to think of a future without you in it.

The thing is...

The thing is...

(You want a divorce.)

How did you get in here?

I'm a resourceful girl.

Right. What are you doing?

It's called "keeping it alive".

Right. I thought that was more like a candle-lit dinner.

Suppose I'm not like other women.

Guess what I'm wearing?

Was that a trick question?

-I thought I was in the doghouse.

-You are.

I'm just bunking in for the night.

No, it's fine, it's fine. I knew this...

I knew this was going to happen. It was only a matter of time.

And you want to move on, I get that.

You've got every right. You've got every right, Alfie.

Thank you.

For what?

Well, for understanding. Not making it hard.

I mean, it's us, ain't it?

Us. Yeah.

Kat and Alfie, you know. The magic.

It still could be.

No, no, no, listen. We could try again for Tommy.

Tommy's fine.

All right, not for Tommy - for us. For both of us.

You still love me, you just told me.

See? See? You can't deny it.

-I'm with Rox.

-Yeah, but it's nothing serious, is it?

-It's not like what we've got.

-Had.

-Nothing compares to that, does it?

-Kat, it's too late.

No, no, it's never too late. Not when you love someone.

-I can't trust you any more.

-No, no, I've changed.

-Oh, stop.

No, I'm better now, yeah? I can prove you can trust me.

This is my fault. I can fix this. All right?

I'm going to be so faithful, and so good, yeah?

I'll be ANYTHING you want me to be.

I'll just be Mrs Moon. I'll be your Kat.

All right? I won't go out. Yeah?

It'll just be us - here. Yeah?

Look at me, Alfie.

Alfie, look at me.

You need to go now.

SHE CRIES

Oh! Are you OK?

You know?

-You told Jean before you told me?

-It wasn't like that, all right?

Sorry. Kat?

You knew.

You did as well, yeah?

Is there anyone else you didn't tell?

Tyler? Tracey?

-Does she know about it as well?

-Kat, stop being stupid, all right?

But that's just me, though, ain't it? Stupid Kat.

But at least I ain't a coward.

At least I don't go around whispering to all my mates,

trying to get the bottle to tell my wife she's been dumped!

-I was scared of hurting you.

-Well, you shouldn't have worried, Alfie, cos it was a relief!

You are a pathetic excuse for a man...

..and I'm best shot of you!

I thought...

I thought me and you could do this with some dignity.

I even thought maybe we could be friends.

But that's not your style, is it?

And I'm kind of glad in a way.

Because I can see it all so much clearer now.

And I really don't love you any more.

Tommy, come on. Look, look, look, it's your favourite.

-Problems?

-He won't eat his breakfast.

He must be full from that fry-up I made for him earlier.

-You having this or not?

-No.

-Not interested, are you?

That's cos children are quite sensitive to change.

ROXY SIGHS

It will get easier, you know.

PHONE RINGS

Kat, where are you? I'm trying to call you. Look...

Phone me when you get this message, yeah?

Is your partner in crime not joining you today, then?

When I say "partner in crime", I'd like to make it absolutely clear

I am in no way referring to your criminal record.

What's it got to do with you, anyway?

I'm the new assistant market inspector.

Peeping Tom, more like - listening in on people's phone calls.

You're mixing your metaphors a little bit there cos...

a Peeping Tom wouldn't be listening, would he?

He'd be peeping.

Has anyone ever told you you're a little bit weird?

-Pretty much everyone, yeah.

-Where's Lister anyway?

He's on holiday. So I'm officially in charge of the entire market on my first day.

-Ooh! Bully for you!

-So is Kat going to be joining you?

Only we like to see the all the stall-holders on their stalls.

Tell you what, I'll go and have a look, shall I? See where she is.

You can't leave your stall unattended. Market rules.

Thanks for the offer, and make sure you don't scare the customers away.

Looking after other people's stalls is NOT

in the assistant market inspector's job description.

Take that. It'll be character building.

Weirdo!

What's that about?

Kat. She's gone AWOL.

And Poppy's going to help me fill out forms for my apprenticeship.

-No, that's great.

-So, soon I'll be able to tick it off my list.

You're going to struggle

-with number five.

-Eh?

Er, excuse me, I am a reformed character, I'll have you know.

-I think it's good. Proper making an effort, an' that.

-Hmm.

Oh! Where's Lexi?

With the child minder. Shouldn't you be at work?

And I don't pay you two to stand around yakking. Get on with it.

-Yeah, we're doing it.

-Yes, boss. Straight on it.

Oh, Phil, I got that for Lexi.

-She can't have it.

-Why not?

Not suitable for anyone under the age of 12 months.

Don't listen to that - that's just health and safety rubbish.

All the kids down the parenting class have got 'em.

Well, let's hope there's someone on hand when they start choking on 'em.

You don't want to be late for work, do you?

-See you later.

-Ta-ra.

-Later, Lola.

Ten years being Kat Moon... and now what?

Just go back to being Kat Slater? No more Kat and Alfie - just Kat.

Whoever she is.

I remember how I felt when me and Ricky got divorced.

If this is where you tell me that "time is a great healer"...

No. That's a load of old rubbish. Time's not a great healer.

Just numbs the pain, don't it?

Come on, budge over. Let me get on there with you.

We can just lay about all day.

-Just go and look after the stall.

-To hell with the stall.

I mean, who needs the stall? To hell with the stall,

to hell with our kids...

I get it.

-You're not putting me on a guilt trip.

-I'm not trying to.

But if you want to sit there and wallow in self pity, it's fine with me.

Yeah, that's what I intend to do.

Or you could stick your two fingers up to the world and get out there.

No, that's all right. I'll just stick to this quilt, thanks.

Fine.

But when you get to the end of the day and realise nothing's changed,

just remember, whatever you've lost,

you've still got Tommy...

you've still got your stall.

They're both things that are worth fighting for.

I know it's hard, Kat.

But it is just a day at a time.

You know the way out, don't you?

FRONT DOOR SHUTS

It's not any fun for me, Liam, either, trust me.

I love you!

Hello? Hello?

-Oh. Kamil.

-He's got his own mobile now, has he?

Yeah, they grow up fast. He even reversed the charges and everything.

Look, I can't do this!

Putting in the hours during half term. Impressive.

Liam is behind with his school work.

Look, give it here. Can't be that hard, surely.

Hmm.

Maybe I can help?

Now, have you got everything that you need?

-Looks like it.

-And I'm off work, so if you need anything else,

you just, er... You ring this!

You can ring my bell any time, Pops.

Oh, sorry!

Thanks.

Thanks for everything, huh?

Still no Kat?

-She's got a migraine.

-Right.

Good to see you doubling your efforts in her absence.

You know they make those stories up.

You're such a killjoy, do you know that?

Yeah, lighten up, geek boy.

There's enough misery in the world without you adding to it.

"Geek boy" - that's original.

THEY LAUGH

Get up. Come on, we've got a stall to run.

Come on, ladies and gents! West End goods at East End prices!

So you multiply that one by that one and Jamal's your uncle.

Something I used to say to Syed.

Yeah, what, when he was six?

Why don't we just stick to the matter at hand here?

Erm, have a go at that one there.

Do you actually know anything about teaching?

-I mean, you're only a postman.

-Have I said something to offend you?

Yeah, you think you know it all, don't you? You don't know nothing.

Oi! Liam! Liam!

It's all right. Let me.

There you go, darlin'. Don't forget to tell your mates where you got it.

And if you're wondering, we're both single.

-Sorry, Kat, I didn't mean...

-It's all right.

-If you want to talk about it...

-I got nothing to talk about.

-Men are overrated anyway.

-Yeah. You're right. They are.

From now on, it's mates and money, in that order.

Yeah, mates and money.

-Oh, Kat...

-No, it's all right.

I'm not going to let THAT ruin my day.

Morning, Kathleen.

-You look nice today.

-SHE LAUGHS

Call me paranoid, but I'm getting the distinct impression

you're not happy with me about something.

I don't think that's fair. You need to cut me some slack.

I couldn't get involved. He is my cousin, after all.

And Tommy's your son.

But then getting involved isn't really your style, is it, Michael?

You all right, darlin'?

Someone moved on quickly, didn't they?

Bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss.

-School's lame, huh?

-You're lame.

Tam used to call me sad.

Is lame the new sad?

Nah. You're sad AND lame.

You know, I was never very good at school.

-You don't know nothing about me.

-No, you're right. No.

I don't.

But I do know that we could all use some help once in a while.

Take me, for example. I've been a real mess since Zainab left.

But your gran, she helped me out.

She kept me busy making curries when she could have done it herself.

So what do you say we go back to the cafe and start again?

-Well, here we go, Pops.

-Mm-hm.

-One Kimberley's Special.

-Thank you.

-I don't even do that for the paying guests.

All right, then. Here you go.

-Thanks.

-Well, tuck in, then!

I, erm...

I need you to cut it up for me, please.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry.

You know, if you like, we can always play the choo-choo train.

No, it's all right, I can manage on my own now. Thanks.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. Thanks.

-Oh, OK, then.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Black coffee. Cheers.

Oi! So you've decided to come back, then?

Liam has decided to accept my apology

for my outdated teaching methods

and has generously agreed to give me a second chance.

Isn't that right? Liam?

Yeah.

Get back to your books.

-I'm really sorry he behaved like that.

-Oh, it's all right.

I'm an old hand when it comes to dealing with stroppy teenagers.

Bianca's 35 and she's still a stroppy teenager.

And thank you for getting through to him.

Is there anything else bothering him at school?

Oh. No. I don't think so. No.

-Cos he's way behind on where his work should be.

-Yeah?

You know, I could help. Private tutoring.

No. Do you know what? We just couldn't...

Carol, listen... It would be my pleasure.

It would give me something to do with all that spare time.

Tell you what, why don't we go for a drink at The Vic later,

-seal the deal?

-Er...

-Please, Carol? Come on.

You'd be saving me from another night in with the two stooges.

-Well, all right, if you put it like that.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Good.

Hiya.

Everything all right?

What do you think of this?

It's gorgeous. Sure Lexi will love it.

Phil doesn't think so. He thinks it's not "suitable" or whatever.

-Why does he hate me so much?

-Oh, he doesn't hate you.

He does. He wouldn't treat me like this if he didn't, would he?

Look, he wants what's best for Lexi. That's all.

And I don't?! Sharon, I am trying really, really hard.

Look. See? I even made a list.

But anything I do isn't going to be good enough for King Phil, is it?

You know, sometimes, I think Lexi would have been better off in a foster family, after all.

Oh, Lola, don't say that.

I'm going back to work.

BELL RINGS

You rang, milord?

-What can we get you, Patrick? Tea? Coffee?

-Bed bath?

-KIM GIGGLES

I need the bathroom.

Right, well... I'll take you, then.

Thanks.

There you go. And if that don't stop him snoring, nothing will.

Ta-ra, darlin'.

-All right, Jean?

-It's nice to see you smiling again.

Especially after last night's little outburst.

Thanks for warning me.

There's no excuse for the way you've behaved towards Alfie.

Well, it's nice to know whose side you're on.

Well... This isn't about sides.

Isn't it?

No.

Hello, darlin', you all right?

There.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Jay, you don't have to do that.

No, you're all right. We've all got to do our bit now you're out of action.

All right, Tam? How was your first day?

Yeah, good.

Apart from having to deal with Thelma and Louise over there.

Oi, that's my future mother-in-law you're talking about.

No second thoughts, then?

Only you know what they say - all women turn out like their mothers.

Suppose you just have to know how to handle women.

And how's that?

Smooth.

Smooth?

Yeah, suppose you've just got to turn on the charm a little.

-Smooth?

-Smooth.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Good day's trading, ladies?

Yeah, best day ever, thanks to this one.

Excellent.

And can I just say that you're both looking lovely today?

Is that right, Inspector Masood?

Yep. And I'm sure you'll pack the stall away properly.

Oh, I don't know, really. Cos we're just two helpless women.

Maybe you could show us how to do it properly.

THEY CACKLE

I'll leave you to it, then.

BOTH: Weirdo.

We should go out and celebrate.

Oh, no, I'm going to go and have a nice long soak

and then go and get Tommy and take him home.

-I've got to get home, anyway. Ray's bringing Tiff and Morgan back soon.

-Listen, Bianca, thank you for today.

It's all right. And we get to do it all again tomorrow.

No, I was thinking, I'm going to take the day off tomorrow

and take Tommy to see my dad for the day.

-Yeah. You go for it.

-Cheers.

-Can I help you?

-I'm here to see Lexi.

-You're late.

-I got held up at work. I couldn't just walk out.

Listen, if you want to be a full-time mum,

-you need to get your priorities right.

-What? No, you can't do this.

-That's right. Go on. Kick off. Show your true colours.

-What's wrong with you? Phil!

What's wrong with you?

Oh, what's all this in aid of, then?

-All what?

-The 60-minute make over.

It's nothing.

Is someone going on a date?

It's not a date.

It smells like a date to me. Who's the lucky fella?

Erm... Masood.

Oh!

Is it not a bit soon after Zainab leaving for him to be going on dates?

-It's not a date!

-He's single, he's asked to take you for a drink -

-it's a date. Duh!

-He's buying me a drink to discuss Liam's school work.

That's something else we need to talk about.

-We will do. After your date.

-It's not a date!

But, seriously, if you like him, go for it.

He's a nice bloke. Even if his son is a bit of a weirdo.

Hey, Tam. Good first day?

Yeah. Where are you going?

Just going for a drink with Carol.

-Carol Jackson?

-Yeah.

You are going on a date with the mother of the devil spawn?

-It's not a date.

-If you hook up with Carol,

that would make Bianca my stepsister.

And of all of the calamities that have befallen this family,

Dad, that would be the hardest to bear.

Just as well it's not a date, then.

-Where's Jay?

-He's done for the day. Can I help?

Yeah. You can help me smash up...

-I really don't think you want to do that.

-Yes, I do!

Get off of me!

What's happened? Lola? What's Phil done now?

Stopped me from seeing Lexi.

And you went off on one. Which is exactly what he wanted.

-What would you know about it?

-You think I'd still have a job here

if I kicked off every time Phil wound me up? No.

So what am I supposed to do, then?

Do what I do. Just play the game.

Take whatever he throws at you. "Yes, Phil. No, Phil."

-"Three bags full, Phil."

-And you bow and scrape if you have to.

Because that way, in the end, you still get what you want.

And you've come this far. You want to mess it up now?

Hi.

Oh. You look, erm...different.

Well, it's not often I get a break from the kids,

-so I thought I'd make a bit of an effort.

-Well, you look great.

Thank you.

So Liam's school work...

-I've come to get Tommy.

-He's sleeping at the moment.

You'll just have to wake him.

-He's had the sniffles all day.

-And you didn't think of telling me?

He's had the sniffles all day

and I thought it best if he stayed with me tonight.

-I think I know what's best for my son.

-Is that right?

I don't think this is the time or the place, Kat.

Oh, look, chief cheerleader's joining in.

Excuse me, don't take it out on Jean. Thank you.

-Would you rather I took it out on you instead?

-Oh.

-Your idea, was it?

The divorce?

No. No, actually, that was all Alfie's idea.

He thought of that all by himself. I can't imagine why(!)

-I bet you couldn't believe your luck when I screwed up, could you?

-All right.

You finally got what you'd been sniffing round for all that time.

-Kat...

-Make you feel good, does it?

-Picking over the pieces of a broken marriage?

-That's enough now, Kat.

And now you've got your name over the door.

-What, do you want to be the next Mrs Moon now, yeah?

-Listen, you listen.

This wasn't my doing.

I'm not the one who cheated on Alfie.

And I'm getting a little bit sick of everyone treading on eggshells around you like you're the victim,

cos you're not! OK?

Alfie is the victim. Not you.

You did this by yourself, Kat.

You're the one that behaved like a complete slapper.

-Oi, that's enough. That's enough!

-No, no, no! Stop. Wait. Fine.

It's fine.

I'll let her have that one.

Considering all you've been through.

What about this one?

CROWD GASP

No. That one you're going to pay for.

-Whoa! Enough! Enough now!

-Come on, then!

Michael, get her off, will you? That's enough!

-Come on, then!

-What are you doing?

-Getting involved!

Right! Get her out of here.

Kat, you're a disgrace, you know that?

You are not fit to be a wife or a mother. Now get out!

-I'm fine, I'm fine.

-All right, all right.

Another quiet night in The Vic(!)

Yeah. It's a shame about those two.

I always thought they had something special.

Really? I always thought you were a good judge of character.

Oh, Alfie clearly adores her, though.

But it takes two people to make a relationship work.

Don't I know it!

-I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

You know, I proposed to Zainab on this very spot.

We were supposed to be married last week.

You OK?

No, Alfie, I'm not. I'm sorry, but if she sets foot in here again,

I'm going to have her.

BELL RINGS

-Seconds out. Round 23.

-It hasn't been that bad.

I haven't done half the things I was supposed to do today.

Well, it'll be worse tomorrow.

You're on your own.

What if he wants to go to the toilet? >

Then you'll have to take him. >

But I've just had my nails done. >

I'm sure you'll manage. I had to. >

And before you know it, you're looking back and thinking,

"Where did the last 30 years go?"

Oh, I'm sorry. This can't be much fun for you.

No, no, it's fine.

-Let's change the subject, hmm?

-Oh.

And besides, I am done with romance.

I mean, who wants the nightmare of dating again, eh?

-I need to get going.

-Was it something I said?

Oh. I'm sorry, did you think...?

I need to go.

Mum was over the moon to meet her great granddaughter.

It's like another chance for all of us.

I saw Lola earlier. Refusing to let Lexi have a cuddly toy.

What next, Phil?

It's not my fault if Lola's too stupid to know

what toys are suitable for her own kid, is it?

Oh, come on, Phil. She's trying. She's got her job.

And she's applying for an apprenticeship.

It'll take more than a poxy job to make a proper mother out of her.

Anyway, she'll probably end up failing the course anyway.

Why are you so hard on her?

Cos I don't think Lola's ready to take Lexi back full time,

that's why.

Lola could be a good mum. Deep down, you know that.

Oh, yeah. That's why she was round here earlier on

shouting the odds for no reason. Kicking my door in.

She did seem a bit wound up.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Back for round two, are you?

No. I wanted to apologise for kicking off before.

I promise I'm never, ever, going to do it again.

I am going to prove what a good mum I can be for Lexi.

Oh, Phil?

Could you give Lexi a kiss good night for me, please?

And tell her I'll see her at my next visit.

Carol, wait. Look, can we just start again?

Hello. I'm Masood.

You look lovely. Do you come here often?

Good night, Masood.

Look, I'm sorry for being such a blind, insensitive fool.

Look, it's all right. It's too soon after Zainab.

And I shouldn't have assumed.

No, it isn't. And, you know what, I'm glad you assumed.

I just didn't think someone like you would be

interested in someone like me.

I'm really looking forward to our first proper date.

-If you're still interested.

-Oh, is this a sympathy date now?

Carol Jackson, would you do me

the honour of going on a date with me tomorrow night?

Well, that all depends

on whether you put more effort in next time.

I shall be groomed to within an inch of my life.

I might even cook for you.

Well, there's an offer I can't refuse.

-Just calm down, Kat. And have a drink.

-Cheers.

Do you want me to go round to Alfie? Have a word?

-No.

-Sure? I'll do it if you want me to.

Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?

Guilty conscience.

You don't think I'm a bad mum, do you?

No.

You're the best there is.

Watch out. Prefect on the prowl.

-You think I'm an idiot, yeah?

-I'm not saying nothing.

What you fail to grasp, Bianca, is that I am

but one of many idiots, OK?

I sit at the foot of an entire edifice of idiots.

So to be anything other than an idiot would be

to let down the other idiots who are depending on me.

One idiot turns sensible, the entire structure collapses,

then what have you got? Anarchy. So by agreeing to move your stall 13 centimetres to the right

you're not just submitting to the will of a petty jobsworth,

you're sustaining the entire concept of Western liberal democracy.

So you should be proud.

Talking of idiots... Morning, Dad.

It runs in the family.

Are we still on for tonight?

Yeah, I guess so.

OK, well, I'll make the arrangements

when I pop round with today's curry.

-I'll get this lot out the way. Half an hour?

-Yeah, yeah. Excellent.

It's a special one.

Ooh, it's a "special one"?

-Bianca, please.

-For a special lady, no doubt.

Will you give it a rest?

-Is she blushing?

-I'm not even having this conversation.

I was just going to ask you about Kat... Will you stop it?!

She's gone to visit her dad. Took Tommy or something. Having the day off.

-As long as you don't let her take the mickey.

-No, Mum.

What?

So when will he be posting something through your little letter box then, eh?

Oh, will you grow up!

Ooh!

Hi, Kat, it's me.

I've just noticed that you're not working today and...

To let you know Tommy's feeling much better,

so listen, if you fancy having him for the day, feel free.

And, you know, you're more than welcome to come and pick him up.

Um... Will you give me a ring when you get this, yeah?

SIREN SOUNDS OUTSIDE

Stop thinking about it.

What am I thinking about?

In no particular order? Alfie, me, Tommy,

divorce, guilt, shame...

Am I getting warm? You'll just drive yourself mad, girl.

I was already mad.

Mmm. Just don't wallow in it though, it's quite unattractive.

-I'm not wallowing in it.

-You need some mental discipline, Kathleen.

You need to accentuate the positive. Dismiss - throw away - the negative.

Is that what you do, is it?

-Yeah.

-No wonder you're screwed up.

So come on then - you tell me

one positive thing I've got in my life right now.

You had an extremely nice time last night.

I was faking it.

No, you weren't. No, you weren't.

Just like that time you faked it in Spain.

All summer long. You're thinking about it again.

-Am I?

-You know, I have a theory about you.

-Do you want to hear it?

-Yeah, go on.

Deep down inside, you love all this.

-Is that right?

-Yeah. That role of the tragic drama queen.

The tears and the tantrums and the inner turmoil.

You love it. You love the crisis.

And if there isn't a crisis, you create a crisis.

-You ain't got the first idea.

-Haven't I? All right.

Let's swap your life then, for...

..who do we know who's happy? Whatever that means.

-No-one.

-Kim Fox - she's a good example.

She's fairly uncomplicated, but happy.

Her life for yours.

Just as I thought.

Just gimme five minutes.

Stop thinking about it!

Oi! Get up. Come on.

Someone's been a naughty girl.

-What have I done now?

-No, it's not you. It's Kat.

Her door's wide open this morning. Her bed's not been slept in.

-So?

-Do you not think that's a bit weird?

No, not really, Joey.

All right, you've got coffee there. Come on, get up.

What time is it?

Have a look.

-It's still the middle of the night, Joey.

-No, it's not.

Anyway, do you remember what you said to me last night?

You said I've got to get you up at 8.30 cos you've an essay to do

and if you don't do it today your tutor's going to kill you. Remember?

-I've got a headache. I'll do it later.

-Then you said if you make any excuses,

I'm going to have to drag you out of bed, OK?

So I'm going to drag you out of bed.

-You've got five seconds, all right? One...

-Don't be stupid.

-Two...

-Are you serious?

-You getting out of bed or what?

-Yeah, I am. In a minute!

-Three...

-It's cold outside.

-Four...

-No, OK!

-Go and put some clothes on, you look a state.

-Annoying!

Penny for them? You were miles away.

What do you want, Jean?

Just to say I'm taking Tommy to feed the ducks.

No-one feeds my son to any ducks, I don't care how hungry they are.

Why does he let her get to him?

Jean, that is a good question.

There you go - he's all yours.

I've got to go and sort the delivery out.

Kat, it's Alfie. Listen, you've not got back to me yet.

I don't know if you got my last message - I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.

You know, if you just ring me back maybe we could work it out, yeah?

Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

Junk...junk...rubbish.

Oh, hello.

This'll have to be sorted - and soon.

So?

So it's your father's house. It's still his responsibility.

Well, I'm not taking it over.

Oh, I see.

You'll be happy if the lecky gets cut off, will you?

Well, I went round there last time.

Well, who else is there?

Your sister's not here and I'm in my dressing gown.

Oh, come on, Abs, do it for your old nan, eh?

All you've got to do is pop it through the letter box.

'You've not got back to me yet. I don't know if you got my last message...

'I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.'

What's he saying? Is he all unhappy? Yeah? Wants to talk?

Is he sorry he's upset you?

-Leave off, will you?

-"Please come over? We can sort it out?"

Does Tommy send his love?

Will you shut up?

Don't take it out on me, darling.

You have not got the first idea what goes on between me and Alfie.

Please. Spare me. I have every idea.

You think you love him and he loves you?

But no, you don't. You're addicted to one another.

And if you both had an ounce of sense you'd seize this chance.

What chance?

Glad you asked. This chance to free yourself from each another.

Doesn't have to be nasty. Could be quite civilised.

But you won't have it like that, will you?

Cos if you don't go a day without a row or a screaming fit,

you think you're missing out.

How's that sound?

Abi?

I know. Damned delivery lorry.

And after I'd just dropped my dirty washing at the launderette.

I was just about to post this for Dad.

I'll make sure he gets it.

-Well, see you.

-Actually, I was rather hoping we could have a word.

-I've been meaning to for some time.

-I was on my way to sixth form.

We can't spend our whole lives avoiding each another, Abi.

Just a quick chat.

Please? I don't bite.

Thank you.

-Hiya.

-You all right, babe?

Blimey, what's all that?

Actually I've got someone with me. She wants you to have this.

You never said he was going to be here.

It's all right - Max is just going.

-Kirsty, what is this?

-Aren't you, Max?

Er, yeah, I'll go to the car lot. I'll leave you to it.

You should change out of those.

Yeah, in a minute.

You all right, Abs?

Can you just give me two minutes so I can just change out of these?

Right, they've messed up the crisps order again.

-Five cheese and onion, but no plain.

-I'll sort it when I get back.

Why? Where are you going?

Rox, I can't help it. I'm worried about Kat.

She's not turned up for work and she's not answering her phone.

-Did you not see what she did to me?

-Yeah, I know. I know, all right?

Just for my peace of mind.

I promise - I promise I won't be long, OK?

-Come on, your laptop's ready.

-Can I not just do it when I get home?

No, cos you'll only find another excuse when you get there. Sit down.

You know, you're worse than my tutor.

-What's it about anyway?

-Yeah, like you want to know.

Yeah, course I do. I might be able to give you a few tips.

A few tips.

"Brief Encounter to A Touch of Class.

"Discuss the emergence of feminism in British cinema from 1945 to 1975."

All right, feminism.

So that's, once upon a time women used to do what they were told.

Now, they don't. Sorted, eh?

DOORBELL RINGS

All right, mate? Listen, I just want a quick word with Kat.

Oh, well, she'll be at work by now.

No, she's not at work. She's probably still in her pit. Just give her a shout for me, will you?

No, no, she's not here.

-Do you know where she is?

-Probably stayed at a mate's or something.

-She hasn't got any mates.

OK, doesn't matter.

-If you see her just tell her I called, yeah?

-Yeah. Yeah.

See you later.

-All right?

-What was that?

-Alfie. Alfie, looking for Kat.

If she'd been good and stuck to her marriage vows,

she wouldn't be having this trouble, would she? That's feminism for you.

-Where are you going?

-Back to bed. See you later.

Someone's looking for you.

He's just come from yours.

So he knows you didn't stay there last night.

You're being very hard on yourself, Kat.

What have you done that's so wrong?

I know you're hurting though, so...

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm there for you, you know.

I'm not going anywhere.

Thanks for trying, Michael,

but them words just don't sound right coming out of your mouth.

Fair enough.

But I have been dumped too, remember, so...

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, I said I'd meet Phil in the cafe.

-Well, off you go then.

-I forgot.

-I'll come straight back.

-Do what you want. Cos I won't be here.

Phil, you ain't seen Kat about, have you?

Nah. Explain something to me, will you.

Why do these morons want the same bit of information time and time again?

-Sorry - what?

-If I had a pound note for every time I've filled in a form for

-the flaming adoption agency, I could think about putting me feet up.

-Sorry, Phil. Can't help you, mate.

-You ain't seen Kat around at all, have you?

-No, sorry mate.

-Cheers, mate.

So, come on, what's the recipe today?

Masood's Special Chicken Jalfrezi.

Smell.

Oh, wow!

Yeah, I was thinking... It's not much of a date...

Go on.

I could give you a cookery lesson. If you fancy it?

And we could eat the results.

So what do you think?

Sorry about that. I dropped all my dirty washing at the launderette

and this is about all I had left.

Eurgh. Anyway, are we going to sit down?

I'm already late.

Oh, well. I'll try and make this quick then. The thing is...

I understand you hating me...

Abi?

-Sorry. Go on.

-Your father hasn't stopped loving you

and this situation is driving him mad.

I'm sure you're not happy about it, either.

So,

if we could just sit down, the four of us - me and your Dad,

you and your sister - and just have a normal conversation...

Well, I'm already late.

Well, I was just wondering if we could pop round after school, maybe?

Have a quick chat?

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Really? Shall we come round to the house?

Say about 4.30?

Maybe we could bring some fish and chips or something, if you like.

(Uh!)

Phil. Sorry. Sorry, I overslept. And then I had to get Scarlett to the nursery.

-I'm supposed to be in south London now.

-I know, and I'm sorry for messing you about.

What's this about, anyway? And make it quick, will you?

OK. Well, the gym's going through a bit of a thin time at the moment.

I'm not surprised if you keep sleeping in every day.

So I thought you might be able to, you know,

pass a bit of business my way.

What sort of business?

Well, our thing, you know. The dirty money that needs cleaning.

Listen, you keep me hanging around for ages and you've got the front to ask me for favours?

I prefer to see it as a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Yeah, well, I'm keeping my nose clean at the moment.

So you can keep your mutually beneficial arrangement.

What are you doing here?

Just writing an essay. Joey said that it would be all right.

-Where is he?

-He's gone back to bed.

You OK?

Kat?

-Correct, well done.

-Tam...

What do you want? The market will be up in arms if you stop me doing my job.

This'll only take a second. Come here.

-I need to know whether you two are you going to be around early evening.

-Why?

-I need the kitchen.

-What for?

-Just teaching someone how to cook.

-And who might this someone be?

-I just need to know whether you're going to be there or not.

-Now I'm really intrigued.

-You can have dinner at the cafe. I'll pay.

A woman. I bet you any money!

How did I know you'd be like this?

-I feel slightly sick.

-No, it's not like that.

So come on, who is it?

Carol Jackson.

Carol Jackson?

Again? I thought you said last night wasn't a date.

What did I say? It's not like that!

-Come on, she's a woman, you're a man. It's always like that.

-In your world, maybe.

-OK, I'm going back to resume idiot duties.

-Please. Come on, she's just a friend...

Yeah. What, Mum's been gone a fortnight.

Why'd you leave it so long?

Thanks a lot.

He knows I'm joking.

It wasn't till after she'd gone I realised I had my skirt tucked into my knickers the whole time!

-Did she see?

-She must've done.

-What, and she didn't say anything?

-No, I just rabbited on and she didn't say a word!

But the thing is, she's agreed to see us, so however ridiculous I made myself, it was worth it.

Thank you.

I've said we'll bring fish and chips so I'll see you here about 4.15, yeah?

All right, lovely.

I'll be that nervous, I don't know if I'll be able to eat.

And now he wants a divorce.

Listen, Kat, I do want to talk some more.

It's just I've really got to finish off this essay.

What's that about, then?

The emergence of feminism in post-war British Cinema.

Fat lot of good feminism's done for me.

Well, a hundred years ago you wouldn't have even been able to vote.

I don't vote. So 'so what?'

OK, 150 years ago, Alfie wouldn't be divorcing you,

cos only rich people could do that. He'd have just slung you out.

And you'd have had no rights, no comebacks, no nothing.

As it goes, you do. So don't go knocking feminism.

-Well, get you.

-My tutor's really hot on stuff like that.

She'd say that you were trapped in a patriarchal relationship.

Do me a favour.

And that you've allowed "victim-hood" to be written into your narrative.

What does that mean?

Basically... well, you bring it on yourself.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what Michael says.

Michael?

Don't tell me you haven't guessed.

Do you think I CHOOSE to be like this.

So don't. Fight back.

Where's your dad?

I dunno. Off buying ingredients for his candlelit dinner for two.

Oh, come on. Maybe we should be pleased. At least he's not sitting around moping.

I think given the circumstances a bit of moping wouldn't be

entirely inappropriate.

Well, it can't be her. Not yet.

Well, go on, then.

Yep.

Oh, you're not wearing that cardigan?

I'm just going to learn how to cook a curry.

What's it going to look like if I arrive all glammed-up?

-Like you're interested. Which you obviously are.

-Look, I've told you before, will you stop all this?

Get changed!

Lauren, I've been thinking about what you was saying.

-And what was that?

-About fighting back.

I just wish I didn't feel so guilty.

The man's already divorcing you, Kat.

He's shacked up with some woman. In your bed.

And you're the one that feels guilty? Yes, OK.

OK, you slept with someone else. So what?

Good. At least it's one notch up from Joey's old man.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-That might be him.

-I'll get it. >

The only control Alfie has over you is the control that you give him.

So don't do it, yeah?

It's your sister.

Am I glad to see you.

-That's a first.

-I need you to get me out of here.

-Something's come up and...

-Well, something has.