28/04/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

# We'll meet again Don't know where, don't know when

# But I know we'll meet again some sunny day... #

Thanks.

There you go, darling.

# Keep smiling through

# Just like you always do... #

MUSIC CONTINUES FAINTLY

Jay?

Mmm. I can smell bacon!

Yes, I can. Do me some.

Sorry, aren't we forgetting someone? Where's Shirley?

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS

Oh, my Lord! What are you doing here?

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

I had a bust-up with Phil. Andrew said it'd be all right.

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Never mind, eh? I'll make you a cup of tea.

Do you take sugar?

You don't think this is too much, do you?

Nah. You look knockout.

Got a couple of suppliers coming in today, so...

Yeah? You might want to make one little adjustment.

I thought I better try and drum up some business.

I'll give you a couple pointers if you want.

-Yeah?

-I can be very persuasive when I want to be.

-Can you?

I thought Oscar might want a balloon.

He's upstairs.

I haven't had one positive response to these flyers.

I'm glad to see you're up and about.

I was thinking of maybe offering a reward, get people talking.

Shirley.

Why don't you sit down and I'll make you some breakfast?

Dot, there's someone out there that knows something.

I just want to sweeten them up.

Hold on a minute...

Rose and Cora and me were saving up for a trip to Clacton.

Here you are. Not much, I'm afraid.

-You keep it.

-No. No, Heather deserves to rest in peace

and she ain't going to do that, is she,

till we find out who it was what done it to her.

I need to find Andrew.

Ain't you going to stay for your breakfast? Shirley...

I do so hope that things work out for you and Phil.

Ricky's only gone and blown his money on a deposit for a poxy flat.

-Good. At least he's getting settled.

-I was relying on that money.

Well, ask him for double next month. We'll muddle through somehow.

What good is next month? I need the money now.

What's so urgent? The rent's been paid. I've given you the money for the electric.

Only thing we've got to worry about is not letting the kids go hungry.

So, come on, Jean. Tell us. What time do the festivities commence?

Oh, I'm afraid my party budget's been cut this year.

I am the events manager

but what with the Olympics and the Diamond Jubilee,

there's no money left for St George.

I'd pop those balloons if I was you, ladies.

Jean here reckons our national day ain't worth celebrating.

-I never said that!

-This is the day, Jean, that George slayed the dragon

-to give us a country to be proud of!

-Political correctness gone mad, if you ask me.

Dunkirk. The Battle of Britain, eh?

When our nation stood alone against its enemies.

If that ain't worth celebrating, then I don't know what is.

He's our patron saint, Jean.

He's the great protector, the keeper of our flag...

-Lithuania.

-Bless you.

-No, Lithuania.

-What?

George. He's the patron saint of Greece and Catalonia...

and Russia.

And Georgia, come to think of it.

Why don't you just rip my heart out and stamp on it, eh?

Go away.

You, Jean,

you are a disgrace to the memory of my grandfather

and all the men that fought to make this country great.

That's told her.

Would've been nice, a couple of drinks and a little sing-song.

Would have cheered Shirley right up, wouldn't it?

-What's the matter with Shirley?

-Ain't you heard?

-No.

-(Phil's dumped her.)

-Get away!

Spineless weasel.

That's a shame, innit? Ladies...

Oh, and, er,

send Shirley my love, won't you?

Hi, Dot.

You shouldn't be doing that.

Well, Christian, he is very particular about his bed linen.

Then let me give you a hand.

It must be really hard for you to manage in here all on your own.

You know me, Bianca. I ain't one to complain.

You should be putting your feet up, not slaving away.

Well of course, there is my sciatica.

The pain, it starts in my hip, it goes shooting all down my leg.

Then there's my migraines. Mind-numbing, they are.

So when do I start then?

What?

Well, you need a new Heather.

I could do with the money, and it like I ain't worked here before, is it?

Ah, well, the trouble is Bianca, you see, Mr...Opopopa,

he is very stringent about his terms and conditions.

Come on, Dot. I'm family.

Yes. But you've got a criminal record, ain't you?

I mean, it would only be a matter of time

-before the word gets back to him.

-Thanks a lot.

Anyway, it's of no consequence, because I've been informed that

the launderette is going to be unmanned in the afternoons.

Well, why didn't you tell me that in the first place?

I'm sorry.

Bianca, you really must learn to put a little aside for a rainy day.

Oh, yeah, why didn't I think of that? Thanks a lot, Dot. You're a life-saver!

-DOOR SLAMS

-I'm just coming, Phil.

You all right?

This bust-up with Phil...

You can sort it out, can't you?

-Do you know the combination?

-His head's messed up at the moment.

He don't mean it. Come home, eh?

That ain't my decision, Jay.

Look, I need you.

We all need you here.

I don't think I can do this on me own, Shirl.

You want something?

Just getting what's owed to me.

Why don't I leave you two to talk, eh?

Nah.

Nah, we're done here.

-Oh!

-Hey, hey!

-Sorry.

-S'all right.

You OK?

So, I've just come to pick up what's left of my wages, please.

OK.

Listen, Roxy, why don't we just forget about what happened last week...

I'd like to resign as events manager.

-You'll have it in writing by the end of the day.

-What's brought this on?

You know I tried to please everyone, Alfie.

-Yeah...

-You wouldn't believe how Derek spoke to me out there.

He as good as called me a... I'm not going to say it.

-Jean, you've lost me, sweetheart. I don't know what...

-St George's Day!

-Oh, right.

The budget will only spread to a certain amount of bunting. And he...

Shirley, it's a bit early, innit, darling, even for you.

Phil'll settle up with you later.

Whoa, no, Shirley, what you doing, sweetheart? Whoa, Shirl. Hold on.

Where's last night's takings?

-I banked them this morning.

-Shirl, shall we go over the caff, you and me, yeah?

Am I the only one that wants to see justice?

Her killer's out there and you're acting like you don't give a monkey's.

You know that's not true.

Tell Phil to stick his money. I don't need him.

-Shirl...

-I don't need any of you.

-Right!

-Oh!

Do you know what we're going to do?

We're going to give Walford the biggest, greatest St George's Day they've ever seen.

-We can't afford it.

-We'll improvise. All right, darling?

-We haven't got the time.

-"Oh, we haven't got the time." You've got me.

You've got the lovely Debbie McGee. Yeah?

One shift.

-IMPERSONATING PAUL DANIELS:

-That's me girl. That's magic!

I want Punch and Judy, I want jousting...

-I want, "Cry for God, Harry, and St George!"

-St George!

-Hurrah!

That Dot is a right pain in the backside sometimes.

-What you got there?

-It's a postcard from my mate Sandra.

We used to knock about together in Balham.

I'm going to be late now for Janine. Where've I put my make-up?

Husband's left and she's taken herself off to Greece.

You could at least pretend to be interested.

Sorry. What?

What you doing here? Why you not at school?

Teacher training day. Why else would I be sat here?

-You're in trouble.

-What?

"You have incurred £30 penalty for nonpayment..."

What're you doing with my phone?

-Bianca...

-It's junk mail. I get it all the time.

It's been bleeping all morning.

It's probably a secret admirer.

I was thinking, maybe I'll just get rid of the rest of this stuff

-to them two old birds I clean for. What do you think?

-Yeah.

Can we go to Kids' Club Saturday?

No, I don't think so, love.

But they're doing Annie. Hello?

Hello? Kids' Club costs money.

I hate being poor.

Why can't I be like Shenice? She gets all the pop and crisps she wants.

Does she? Well, why don't you go and live with Shenice, then?

Look, I know it's hard on you kids,

but you've got to start helping your mum.

We're a team, remember? Yeah? Right, let's get you some drinks.

Where is she?

I don't know. Probably drowning a kitten somewhere.

I heard that. SHE is down here.

It's the only place I can get comfortable.

Well, don't just stand there... help me up!

SHE GROANS

Right. To what do I owe this pleasure?

We're looking for an investor.

Well, I didn't have you two down as budding entrepreneurs.

It's for Hev.

We thought, if we offered a cash reward,

-someone might be more likely to step forward.

-Right, so you thought you'd come straight to the bank of Janine?

Think of the publicity.

"Local Businesswoman Helps Clean Up Streets."

And you would have my website prominently displayed?

Yeah, as big as you like.

All right, I'll give you 500 quid,

-but that is all I can offer.

-We'll take it. Thanks.

Janine. This ain't a wind-up?

Look, I do not want my child growing up knowing there's a killer out there somewhere.

My website - remember it - It's www.butchersjoints.com.

I don't want the font any smaller than... Let's see, size 14?

-Thanks a lot. Cheers.

-Thank you.

That is tax-deductible, isn't it?

Oh, now,

Mrs... Yes, Mrs Jones rang...

Apparently her toilet's blocked again.

Oh, do you want me to keep hold of Pat's ring for safekeeping?

Don't want to lose it.

I suggest you give it a good shove.

Oh, I'm sorry, Alfie.

I've got this here beetroot stain to get out,

and half a dozen nets before I finish me shift.

But we're having a knees-up in honour of St George

and I thought you, Dorothy Branning, might lead our punters in a sing-song.

-Yes?

-I ought to go and see Arthur,

see if he's found gainful employment yet.

I know it's been a tough year so far, darling,

but a little bit of jousting, raise people's spirits.

Come on, we can do this, yeah?

Well, Rev Steven did say that my voice brought tears to his eyes.

You're a star, Dorothy. Give me a kiss, darling.

-I'll have a drink waiting for you. All right, kids?

-BOTH: All right?

-Hello, children.

-Morgan's got something for you.

Oh, let's have a look. Oh, I say!

It's our spider, SpongeBob.

We can't afford to keep him no more.

Have you ever been poor?

Well, we had to make sacrifices, you know, during the war.

-Like what?

-Well, you know.

We only had two ounces of tea a week and two ounces of butter.

Were you scared?

Sometimes, yes. But I was lucky, you see, cos I was evacuated.

My Auntie Gwen, oh, she was lovely, she used to fill a bath for me

every Sunday. Not a bath like you have it,

but a big tin bath in front of the fire.

Wow, you really were poor!

She used to wash my hair for me,

she was ever so gentle,

and then I'd curl up on the sofa beside her with Blue the dog

and I felt safe, didn't I? I didn't have to worry no more.

Grandma Dot? I can't find SpongeBob.

Oh, my Lord!

-SpongeBob!

-SpongeBob!

-SpongeBob! Where are you?

You sure you ain't printed too many?

No. I want one of these on every door from here to Stratford.

The Gazette said they'd try and send a photographer round later.

-I said you'd meet 'em in the Vic.

-All right.

Ben. Bung some of them in the Arches for us.

Amazing how a bit of cash can jog the memory.

Yeah. I've got to get to school.

Whatever's happened between me and your dad...

it doesn't have to affect us.

What is it with you? And Phil? You can't treat her like that.

Just give it a few more weeks, right. It'll all blow over.

She needs to be with her family.

Hev was her best mate. Or have you forgotten that?

-Of course not.

-What else did you expect him to do, eh?

Looking at her every day. It was eating him up inside, Jay.

We just got to stick together, get through this.

Everything all right?

I got to get back to work.

Look. Shirl just gave us a few of these.

She's made hundreds this time.

Leave it with me.

There you go. Look at this, eh?

No-one can say Jean Slater doesn't know how to throw a party.

Yeah, but is it enough, though?

Derek Branning can eat that stupid flat cap of his.

-Same again, Max?

-I think you've already given him more than enough.

-All right, Cora.

-First port of call, is she, when there's trouble at home?

-Leave me alone, will you?

-I take it things ain't any better?

-I'd love to stand here

and talk about my sex life with my mother-in-law.

You better sort this, Max, before it gets out of hand.

Alfie, can I leave some of these on the bar?

-I want that photographer to see them.

-'Course.

For any of you that haven't seen these,

we're offering cash for any information about Hev's death.

Why don't you just try talking to her, Phil?

Can't I just have an orange juice without you giving me earache?

Oh, now this is more like it!

Jean, you have restored my faith in human nature. Well done!

That's very enterprising of you, Shirley.

-Very enterprising indeed.

-Good to hear it.

See, Alfie, women like this are the backbone of our society.

Ain't that right, Philip?

Tell you what,

why don't I buy you a drink, eh?

We'll raise a glass together to the dearly departed Heather.

I'll buy me own drinks, thanks.

Well, make yourself comfortable, why don't you?

I've just been researching online about housing benefit and that.

-Is that right?

-It seems that I'm entitled to a bit of extra money.

-But I need a proper rental agreement.

-Right.

So you get more hand-outs and I get stung by the taxman?

Yeah, sounds about right.

All I'm asking, Janine, is that you do things properly.

OK. Well, it's your call, Bianca.

Of course, that means I'm going to have to start charging you the going rate.

Let's not be too hasty, then, eh?

So, which is it to be?

I just need a couple more weeks to get the rent together.

Yeah. Didn't Billy give you an extension on the rent last month?

Friday it is, then.

Mum can wash all her worries away, can't she?

Just like Grandma Dot.

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? Thank you.

It's now time for our musical interlude

and I would like to introduce a lady so regal, SO regal,

she makes Queen Victoria look like Kerry Katona!

LAUGHTER

Yes, she's been through more wars than Rin Tin Tin...

so, can we have a big Walford, Queen Vic welcome for the one,

the only, Dorothy Branning!

CHEERING

# And did those feet in ancient time

# Walk upon England's mountains green?

# And was the holy Lamb of God... #

-I take it you're responsible for these, Miss Carter?

-Yeah. What of it?

You didn't think to check with us first?

I thought you might be busy investigating a missing police cone.

Not only is this irresponsible, it puts our investigation in jeopardy.

How do you figure that one out?

It throws up false leads, which wastes valuable police resources.

Resources which would be better spent

trying to find your friend's killer.

I was just trying to help.

I suggest you take these down and leave us

to do the job we're trained to do.

You're no closer to finding Hev's killer than I am.

I can assure you, I have every available officer working on this.

What I don't need is you wading in and messing things up for us!

Sounds like Oscar got a bit upset at nursery.

Don't like the big bad wolf, apparently.

Mind you, I was like that with Pinky and Perky. Seriously.

-I used to hide behind the sofa when they came on the TV.

-Did you?

Might have done, yeah.

You big softy, you.

What? Have I done something wrong?

No, I'm just... I'm going to end up feeling guilty, ain't I?

Any time we have a cuddle, I just feel like you think I want more.

That don't mean you got to stay away from me, does it?

It's not fair, is it? You've had the scan, it's clear...

..and we're still paying the price, aint we?

We both knew it'd take time, didn't we?

Well, that's why I've made an appointment.

To see your nurse.

Be good, won't it? You know, just talk through the options.

I heard Alfie's doing a Punch and Judy show.

You want to watch the show, then?

Yeah? You don't have to stay if you don't want to.

What, and let Kamil have all the fun?

-You sure we can afford this?

-The kids deserve a treat, don't they?

Trace, I'll have a big glass of tap water and a packet of crisps. Me mum's paying.

When's the show going to start? Amy's getting restless.

Alfie...

OK, Rox. You ready?

Yeah.

-After you.

-Ladies first.

Just get in there, Alfie.

Oh!

Bit tight in here, ain't it?

I don't think I can do this.

-What's the matter, got stage fright?

-What you got to make a joke out of everything for?

Shenice gave Judy a make over.

-Hello, boys and girls!

-CHEERING

Yes! My name is Mr Punch.

ALL: Hello!

And here is my missus, Judy!

CHEERING

You can spot Judy, yes, she's got a face like a satsuma

and her dress is so short it could double up as a belt!

Ha-ha!

You know what the problem is with Mr Punch, don't you, boys and girls?

He's too short-sighted to see what's in front of him.

What? OK... Boys and girls,

if you see a naughty crocodile, I want you to shout out very loud.

-Can you do that for me?

-ALL: Yes!

I can't hear you. Can you do that for me?

-ALL: Yes!

-Right. Don't forget,

shout out nice and loud if you see the crocodile.

ALL: There!

Where? Where's the crocodile?

ALL: There, there! He's there, behind you!

You might as well take this.

Why, Phil?

Naughty, naughty Judy! That's the way to do it.

I know I'm not Kathy or Sharon but...did we never mean anything to each other?

-Naughty, naughty Punch!

-I've been a naughty boy!

-It ain't been right for months.

-Then why didn't you say something?

Hev stole my thunder, didn't she?

I don't believe that.

You were there to take care of the boys, Shirl. Nothing more.

So you never loved me?

LAUGHTER

That's the way to do it! That's it, hey!

LAUGHTER

Shirley?

Not now, Dot.

CHEERING

What they going to tell us that we don't already know? A few months, Max. What, is that too much to ask?

You think that's what this is? Me just wanting a quick bunk-up?

I just want my wife back, Tanya.

She's standing right here.

-Every time I get close to her, she pushes me away.

-You're just exaggerating.

Let's just wait, shall we?

Can we just wait, see what the doctor says?

There's no point. Got nothing to do with them.

What are you talking about?

-I'm not ready, Max.

-Yeah, I know you got to wait.

I know all that stuff the doctor was talking about.

About giving you a chance to recover... I know all that.

I lied.

How can you afford to go to Greece, anyway?

Not now. Someday, maybe.

It's going to cost at least 600 quid.

Is it so wrong to want to do something for myself? Hm?

Take your coats off, kids.

Kids, have you spilt a drink in here or something?

DRIPPING Bianca! Oh, no...

Oh, no! Where is that coming from?

-We ran you a bath.

-What?! I can't believe this.

Do you realise how long this if going to take to dry out properly? Look at the mess you've made!

What were you doing messing about in the bathroom?

We were going to brush your hair and make it all cosy like Grandma Dot.

It's all right, I turned the taps off and pulled the plug out.

You wait. That is it now.

Listen, we'll just whack on a few heaters

and it'll sort itself out in no time.

Bianca?

We're sorry.

WATER DRIPS

Come here.

THEY LAUGH

Come on, fellas. Ain't you got homes to go to?

Take care, lads. Listen, keep the noise down outside, all right?

See you later, lads.

Trace. Stick another one in there, please?

Whoa no, hold on. I think you might have had enough there, darling.

Why don't you get yourself a sandwich from McKlunky's, eh? Soak up some of that booze.

You trying to get rid of me, Alfie?

I got you. I got you. You OK?

Who moved the floor?

Alfie...how about me and you finish this upstairs?

How about you get yourself off home, darling? Come on.

I will find him, Alfie.

With or without Phil's help.

All right, darling. Come on. I got you.

No, no, no, this way, darling. This way.

Take care, all right?

I don't need any help.

Whoa, oh!

Give us a hand, then.

Fancy a nightcap?

Lead the way.

Yes, bruv? Yes, bruv?

FATBOY GIGGLES

Yes, bruv? Fill me up with some chicken.

I've just been mashing up the decks in R & R.

The girls are looking hot, fine and sexy.

Hey, man, you should try cracking a smile or something, you know.

You see? You see, that's what I come in here for.

That special bit of banter you got.

And the way you caress the chickens.

That's 4.90.

Wow! The ladies must be beating you off with a drumstick, bruv.

FATBOY LAUGHS

All right, man. Well, you keep up the good work, yeah?

And, hey, listen, listen, listen. This time next year,

I got two words for you, man, I got two words -

spare ribs.

-FATBOY LAUGHS

-Keep on dreaming, brother,

keep on dreaming.

LAUGHTER

CAT YOWLS

Dad.

She'll be all right, you know that.

I mean, Shirley can look after herself.

HE YAWNS

SHE GROANS

Oh.

SHE SIGHS

FRONT DOOR OPENS

FRONT DOOR SLAMS

How long is this going to go on for, eh?

You shouldn't have called the hospital.

Oh, right, so this is all my fault?

I didn't say that.

I've been tiptoeing around you for months, Tan,

scared to touch you in case it looks like I'm after something else.

But, no, turns out you're fine.

Just can't bear the thought of being near me, can you?

RADIO: "It Must Be Love" by Madness

How's your head this morning?

I tell you something, Shirl, I've known some drinkers in my time

but they can't hold a candle to you.

Come on. Take a pew.

I'll boil you up an egg, eh?

I'll just stick to water, thanks.

You know, you've got a fine pair of lungs on you.

Mind you, I don't know if Janine or my little sister'll be too happy,

Blondie blaring out at two o'clock in the morning.

Erm...

-..last night...

-Hmm?

You know.

-Did we?

-Did we...? You're talking in riddles, Shirl.

I don't know what you're on about. What?

Oh! What, in my brother's bed?

What kind of man do you take me for?

No, we started on the sofa.

Then on the kitchen counter.

And then we ended up on Veronica's sheepskin rug.

Oh, don't tell me you've forgotten already.

I was up at the crack of dawn composing a sonnet,

a little token of my affection.

BANGING ON DOOR, DOORBELL RINGS

Mrs B? Where's the fire?

-It's eight o'clock. Why ain't you up and dressed? Have you been drinking?

-I'm 20 years old.

What about your ablutions? That's the one thing I liked about you, Arthur, your personal hygiene.

You know what they say - cleanliness is next to godliness.

Oh, my Lord. Oh, them Moon boys, they're a terrible influence on you.

Mrs B, listen. Why don't you go to the launderette, OK, and I'll bring you a lovely sticky bun.

Are you trying to get rid of me? I don't have to go to the launderette

cos the engineers are in servicing the machines.

OK. So what are you going to do instead?

First of all, we'll clean this place from top to bottom.

-And then what?

-And then we're going out to get you a job.

-But...

-Go on, get dressed. Off you go. Go on. Chop chop.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

-I'll get it!

-No, don't answer it.

-Oooh!

-Go and get your sister for me, will you?

-What do you want, Janine?

-I know they're due at school

-but please can I just have ten minutes to take down their measurements?

-What for?

Oh, let me think - that would be my wedding in June.

-But you haven't even asked 'em yet.

-What else are they going to be doing?

You can't go in there, sorry.

Last time I checked, Bianca, this was still my house.

Right. Who wants to go first?

-Me!

-Me! Me, me!

OK. Tiffany, here. Arms up like a scarecrow.

Oh, that tickles.

You know what I think?

Enlighten me.

I think he's taken you for a right mug,

-turfing you out like that. I wouldn't stand for it.

-Is that right?

Let's face it, I'm not being funny, but he's hardly a catch, is he?

What, and you are?

Well... No, he should thank his lucky stars he's got a woman like you

-to come home to every night.

-It's complicated.

Yeah, well, it always is when kids are involved.

-They ain't my kids.

-What you talking about?

Little orphan Jay, that Ben...

-That boy's got more problems than Britney Spears.

-No, don't even go there.

See, that's what I want to see. That little bit of fire in your belly.

You think about all the things you've done for that family.

You got Roxy Amy back, didn't you?

Eh? And what about poor little George?

Rumour has it it was Phil that put him back in the workhouse.

I don't think he'll let me see the boys.

You've got as much right as he has.

If you turn your back on them boys,

you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Trust me.

Right, sit down and make yourself comfortable.

Look at that, eh? Lovely.

I'll get the key and we'll be off, yeah?

Hi. I'm really sorry, there's been a bit of a mistake.

See, I've already put an offer in on this car.

So if you don't mind...

Feel free to put a complaint in writing.

-Why did you let her in?

-I didn't have a flaming choice.

-She just barged in...

-Is it me or does it smell of damp in here?

Er... So come on, then, Tiff, what sort of dress would you like?

I want to look like Rihanna.

Ooh, I think we'll go for something a little bit classier than that,

-and leave the trashy stuff to...

-Right, that's it.

-Kids, come on, you'll be late for school. Come on.

-Come on, quick. Quick, quick.

Come on.

All done. See, wasn't too difficult, was it?

Oh, and before I forget,

that big soggy mess that's on the ceiling?

I want it sorted by Friday.

Shall we...?

-Listen, Max...

-There's 40,000 on the clock.

If you sign on the dotted line today, I'll give you a free service at Mitchell Autos.

Well, go on, start the car, I'm a busy man.

ENGINE STARTS

I just want to apologise if I kept anyone awake last night.

You know what it's like when parties get out of hand.

Right little wildcat. Not getting enough indoors, evidently.

I soon put that right.

'I don't even know why we're bothering.'

Walford - Parks and Leisure Department.

That's a road sweeper.

Well, that was good enough for Arthur Fowler,

-and Robbie and Gus.

-Yeah, but I'm just looking for something with, you know,

-a few more prospects.

-Oh, miss? Excuse me.

My name is Dorothy Branning, Mrs.

I'm the chairman of the Walford Neighbourhood Watch.

-Can I help you?

-This is my ward, Arthur Chubb.

-Ward?

Yes. He's got eight O-levels and a YTS.

And he is looking for a desk with a tie.

-Excuse me?

-You know, something managerial.

Why don't I take a few details and I'll see what we can do?

I can't promise anything, our books are oversubscribed at present.

Not with a bright boy like Arthur. He deserves the pick of jobs.

I'm afraid there isn't much of a call for office temps at the moment.

Not even if you're prepared to put your nose to the grindstone and apply yourself?

Well, you would hope so, yes. They're just harder to come by.

So maybe try next week, then?

So what are you going to do in the meantime? Sit at home? Twiddle your thumbs?

I mean, there are youths out there misbehaving

because the devil finds work for idle hands to do.

This is our next generation of policemen, prime ministers, vicars.

What's the point of applying yourself to your sums

if there's nothing for you at the end of it?

I mean, poor Arthur here,

he can't even get a job flogging dusters off the doorstep.

-We're trying our best, Mrs Branning.

-Yes, well, your best ain't good enough, is it?

Arthur is a good boy. All he wants is a job. You know, fill your day, pay your way.

Why don't you take the address of our website? You can register your details.

There is a whole generation going down the plughole! It's a disgrace.

You know what, Mrs B? I'm going to try the Jobcentre.

You never know.

My wainscoting could do with a lick of paint.

Maybe that'll keep you occupied for a day or two.

Thanks.

I heard you had a bit of an accident in here yesterday?

-Yeah. Look, up there.

-Oh, my God, that looks expensive.

-I know.

Bianca reckons she can get it done on the cheap.

Hmm. Who's Sandra?

-She's an old mate.

-Thinking of doing a Shirley Valentine, are you?

What, when I could be here doing a load of ironing?

-Here, I'll tell you what.

-What?

Come here. Oh, oh, oh. You sit down and put your feet up.

-I'll make us a nice cup a tea.

-Yeah? What's brought this on?

-Oi!

You're my little sister. It's my duty to look after you.

-So, do I repel you that much?

-Don't.

If you didn't want to sleep with me,

you should have just said something

instead of putting on an act...

..making fools out of the pair of us.

I ain't been short of offers. It might come as a shock

but not all women are disgusted at the thought of me.

-Don't let me stop you.

-Is that you want?

What's going on in your head?

-Now you're better, you don't need me, is that it?

-Of course not.

-So what is it, then?

Tan, will you just tell me, please?

It's me.

Max...

..the cancer might have gone but it's still up here, isn't it?

It's still controlling everything I do.

I was thinking next time I'm here I might try some weights out, help me build up a bit.

You want to try them protein shakes Christian's always having.

Do you want to do a bit of sparring?

Yeah, come on, then.

Mind if I watch?

We're a bit busy.

You don't mind, do you, Jay?

-You heard him.

-I was wondering, maybe I could take you to McKlunky's later on?

We've made plans.

-Tomorrow, then?

-Just take the hint, Shirley.

Jay?

Just go, Shirl.

You happy now?

It's funny. I think I...

I thought that by getting a clear scan, that would be the end of it.

But it's not, it's just the start.

You know, some days, I wake up, I don't even think about it.

And then it'll just catch me by surprise when I'm...

looking in a shop window or I'll be doing someone's nails and I just...

It's like I've signed up to this exclusive club.

I've done the initiation and now I'm just a member.

I got a name badge, T-shirt, the lot.

You don't know the nights I've had

where all I've wanted to do is reach out to you.

I want to remember what it felt like,

you and me, what it was like before and...

that connection that we had.

All I remember is... is the pain of...

..what it felt like to...

And I want to forget it, Max, but I can't.

I can't, because the cancer's still here, isn't it?

It's still in here and it's still...

Now it's in our bed.

Why didn't you just tell me this before?

Because I don't want to be in that club any more, Max! I don't!

I just want to be Tanya Cross again! I just want to be...

I just want to be that girl you fell in love with again.

Babe, nothing's changed.

Oh...

It has.

You just can't see it.

Do you think this is all about sex?

You think that's the only thing we've got going for us?

You gave me three beautiful children.

The thought of not being with you...

..that's not a life I want, Tan.

And I don't care. I don't care how long it takes. Months, years.

As long as you're the first person I see when I wake up in the morning...

..that's good enough for me.

-You got a busy day?

-Nah, I just gotta see a man about a dog.

Still, you know what, it was nice having a bit of adult company.

Yeah. Here, I tell you what.

Why don't I take you for a night out up west?

-Slap-up tea like we used to? Hmm?

-Aw, Derek, thanks, but I can't.

-I can't.

-That's your trouble, you, always putting other people first.

You want to start thinking about yourself for a change, young lady.

Yeah, yeah!

Hold on a minute. Come back here. What you got under your coat?

Nothing. Cross my heart and hope to die.

MEOWING

-We found it when we were looking for change.

-Oh, Tiff!

That's the last thing your mother needs right now,

-a scrawny little cat around the place!

-You ain't going to drown it?

Well...that depends...

on whether you can find a good hiding place for it.

Thanks, Uncle Derek. HE LAUGHS

I tell you what. First thing's first, we gotta put

-some butter on its paws.

-Why would you do that?

So it can find its way home. Duh!

Kitchen, quick, quick, quick, before your nan sees.

I'll have a couple of your sticky buns, Marie.

Shirley is currently residing on my sofa.

Is that right?

I know you like to be thought of as a toughie, Phil Mitchell,

but I never had you down as cruel.

DOOR OPENS, WHISTLING

Oh, someone's happy.

Yes! Because this someone has gone and got himself a job.

-And a job with prospects.

-Oh, that is good news.

It's a little scheme they're running. I don't get paid at first,

but there's a chance of a job at the end.

-Well, that's something, I suppose.

-I know.

One call to head office and boom!

-I start tomorrow.

-Oh, what sort of job is it?

-Well, you gotta see the bigger picture, Mrs B, yeah?

-Uh-huh?

There's like 74 stores nationwide.

And within two years, I could be area manager.

Ooh, I say. Bianca!

-Arthur's gone and got himself a job.

-Oh, is that right?

Yeah. You know, start small and work my way up.

Ricky! Did you get my text?

-How much is it, then, Marie?

-Shh! Keep the noise down a bit?

Don't worry, I'll go outside. Hang on.

-What'd you say?

-80.

We've had water dripping through the ceiling.

So what do you want me to do about it, stick a sticky plaster over it?!

-SHE SIGHS

-Well, thanks for flamin' nothing!

Regulations clearly state that all waste is to be kept to a minimum.

-What?

-Those bins are overflowing, posing a health and safety risk

not only to my stallholders but also members of the public.

Do I look like I give a monkey's?

In that case, I'm going to have to report you.

Them bins are nothing to do with me!

On the contrary.

At, er, 12:18 today,

you were seen scraping veg into a bin that was already overflowing.

-Then at, er, 2:12...

-Are you having a laugh?

Shall I show you how to sort out these bins, shall I? Eh?

Shall I? Here you go. Sort out the bins! There you are!

-I'm going to have your job for this!

-Good! Have it! I'm past caring!

-All right, my love?

-All right?

-I'm looking for something for a lady.

-Mm-hm?

-Something a bit tarty.

-OK.

-Now that looks the part.

I still don't get why you couldn't tell me.

-I was scared.

-Of what?

You're Max Branning. The man who seduced his hairdresser.

-You've never really been the hearts and flowers type, have you?

-Well...

I try my best, don't I?

All right, where did you take me for our first date?

You could've started me out with an easy one!

Er...well, I don't know. As far as I remember,

most of it was spent in the back of the car, weren't it?

You took me to that old ballroom in Lewisham.

-Oh, yeah...

-Oh, yeah!

-Well, there you go, then.

-Yeah!

Someone told you the drinks were cheap.

What do you expect? I had a wife and kid to support.

-I had a right panic on that night, you know.

-Why's that?

Cos my mum told me never to marry a man who couldn't dance.

I can dance.

You've got me all wrong, I reckon.

I can be romantic.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Tan...

..are we all right now?

I hope so.

Hello? Is anybody serving?

Ah! Right, so that's the first thing we've got to talk about tomorrow, OK?

Never leave the shop floor.

-Arthur Chubb.

-Head office just called about you.

Ah, see. You've got to give it to those chicken bigwigs.

They're way ahead of the game.

They told me to give this to you.

-Uh?

-Now, the aim is to get five chickens.

HE LAUGHS

No! No, seriously. No, no.

Listen, bruv, I don't want to get anybody in trouble, all right.

So if you just point me to where the manager's office is?

You're looking at him. First shift starts tomorrow at six.

Yeah. I'm just leaving Janine's now. Ooh, chicken nuggets, eh?

Save some for me.

I love you too.

So, did you meet your boss, then?

Twice in one day. How's that for luck, eh?

Well, don't keep me in suspense. What was he like?

To tell you the truth, Mrs B, I don't think he was feeling my vibe.

-You know what I'm saying?

-Well...

-Oh, no, don't look now. He's only just walked in.

-What?

-Nico!

-Hold tight a minute! You know this guy?

Your uncle told me you was going to be working round here.

Sorry. One minute. Could someone bring me up to speed, please?

Well, this is little Nico. I've known him since he was so high.

He's Mr Dop-olopo-polous' nephew, ain't you?

-It's good to see you, Mrs B.

-Mrs B?!

-Is this some sort of wind-up?

-All right?

-Yeah.

Are we in the gardens? We are!

-We are in the gardens. Right, take your blindfold off.

-Can I?

SHE LAUGHS

See? Who says I can't do romantic?

FRANK SINATRA: # The very thought of you

# And I forget to do... #

-SHE GASPS

-You still can't dance, though!

# The little ordinary things

-# That everyone ought to do. #

-Oh, my Lord!

Alfie!

-Do us a favour, will you? Give us a bottle to take out with me.

-OK.

Oh, nothing beats that warm glow you get

from spending time with loved ones, does it, eh? Hmm?

Oh, that reminds me. Do us a favour, Phil, will you?

Give them back to Shirley for me.

She must've left them at my flat this morning.

You know what women are like. Forget their heads if they weren't screwed on, wouldn't they?

What, have I said something out of turn, eh?

I assumed that she was fair game,

-especially after you rejected her so cruelly.

-Just walk away, Phil.

Alfie, I mean, she's not my usual type, you know.

But when it's laid on a plate for you, mate, I mean...

Well, you know. You're a man. Pretty hard to turn down, innit?

Whoa!

Come on, let's see what you're made of! Come on!

-HE LAUGHS

-You want to watch that dodgy ticker of yours, Phil.

-You'll do yourself a mischief.

-You've got five seconds. One, two...

You don't know how long I've waited for this.

Alfie! Do something!

That's enough! Just go, please, Derek.

-I'm just getting warmed up.

-Please don't make me ask you again.

Well, seeing as it's you that's put it so nicely...

..who am I to refuse, eh?

I'll leave the door on the latch, shall I, Shirl?

You didn't waste much time, did you? Eh?

What are you on about?

Derek Branning? Is that the best you could come up with, is it?

I'm a free agent. I can come and go as I please.

There's nothing left here for me. You put paid to that.

So what is it, Phil? Cos I know something's wrong.

The only thing that I ever done was love you,

even when you made it hard for me, and this is the thanks I get.

When I lost Hev, I felt like somebody had stuck a knife in me,

and I needed you, Phil!

I needed you to tell me it would stop hurting.

I needed YOU to take care of me.

Shirl, I made a mistake, all right? I...

-I can't do this on my own.

-And those boys...

I brought them up like they were my own.

And they turned their back on me. How do you think that makes me feel?

Forget the boys, all right? This is about you and me.

One day, you're going to wake up and you are going to realise

that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.

You blew it.

It's over, Phil.

I'm done being a Mitchell.

I'm Shirley Carter.

Remember that.

It's all right.

-You can hardly notice it.

-But...

Tiff, Morgan, will you get a move on?

Janine wants it fixed by tomorrow.

Stop worrying.

Today is going to be a good day.

Free from any nasty little surprises.

Morning.

Nice while it lasted.

MOBILE BEEPS

And then I realised - we've been going out for ten weeks.

Whit!

You've used all the eggs.

Ten weeks!

This food was supposed to last us for a week.

-Yeah, it's my longest relationship.

-What's the matter, cold feet?

-As if.

Ten weeks. Very impressive.

Especially given your track record, eh? No offence.

None taken.

Right, I've got to get a move on anyway.

Got a house clearance over in Bow.

Oi, not so fast, Nigella, who's going to clear up all this mess?

All right. Look, um...

-I'll see you later then.

-Mm-hm.

Call me.

See you later.

SHE SIGHS

I made you a fry-up.

I ain't hungry.

Dad, you've got to eat something.

Are you my mother, or what?

Look, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

You, er...going to open up the Arches today?

-I could help you if you like.

-Have you heard from Shirley?

We are not made of money, Whit.

Yeah, I know.

It was only a few eggs.

That's Tyler's phone.

Oi... Don't think this gets you off the hook with the clearing up.

Go on. I'll do it.

Thanks.

-Maybe we could ask Max for help.

-What for?

For money. For the ceiling.

No. He's got enough on his plate with Tanya.

What about Jack?

He's due back from seeing Penny today. Or Derek, he'll help out.

I don't want any help from the Chuckle Brothers, thanks very much!

You know what they say pride comes before.

No, what? Go on, tell me.

SHE SIGHS

All right?

Hello!

Bonjour, mon frere. Nice trip?

Yep. Absolutely amazing.

Penny's changed so much I hardly recognised her.

Well, that's what you get for hardly seeing 'em.

-Yeah, that's why I'm thinking of going back, you know, in the summer.

-Oh, nice.

-Hey, what's that?

Nothing.

-I thought you weren't in touch with Joey.

-Well, evidently I'm not.

Au revoir.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

-All right?

-What you doing here?

Since when did I need an excuse to pop round and see my favourite sister?

-What's that?

-Oh, nothing.

-I don't believe this.

-What's wrong?

-Tiff and Morgan are in bed with a bellyache.

They were all right yesterday. You sure they're not pulling a fast one?

I think I know my own kids. Since when were you Mary Poppins all of a sudden?

-Well, that's me. Practically perfect in every way.

-Mum, I can't afford to have another day off.

-You're looking after the kids.

-Uh...

-Well, I could always do it, if you wanted.

-No, you're all right, thanks, Derek.

-I thought we built up quite a rapport yesterday.

-No, Mum'll do it.

-And Mum has a say in it, does she?

-Uh, Mum doesn't mind actually, do you, Mum?

-Oh, no, course she doesn't.

It's just part of the job description of unpaid skivvy, isn't that right, eh?

Oh, I ain't got time for this.

You know, you shouldn't let her take advantage of you like that.

No, someone's got to hold things together round here.

So much for your dreams of sailing off into the Greek sunset, eh?

Yeah, well, sick kids and soggy ceilings have pretty much put paid to that.

Hah. Yeah, probably for the best.

Your place is here anyway, innit, eh?

Soggy ceilings an' all.

THEY CHUCKLE

Actually, you couldn't have a look at that ceiling for us, could you?

Yeah. No problem.

Tell you what, you put the kettle on, I'll just nip up and use the little boys' room.

All right.

Two sugars?

Yep.

-TIFFANY:

-So cute!

Oh...

Feeling better, are we?

HE CHUCKLES

So what's the big deal, then?

I don't know. Ben just said he wanted to meet us here.

Maybe he wants us to meet his new fella.

Well, what do you reckon then?

-I thought we could take it for a spin.

-What for?

-A surprise for Dad.

-Yeah, but why do you need all of us?

Well, I thought we could make it, you know, a proper family thing.

Well, the last time you tried to drive this thing, it didn't go too well, did it?

Yeah, well, things are different now. ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Yeah, well different.

Yeah, well, we can fix it up, Jay, can't we?

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

-And are you feeding him properly?

-Yeah.

We took some money out of Mum's jar when she weren't looking.

Well, that's very resourceful of you.

Hmm...and what about a name?

Well, we were thinking of SpongeBob. In honour of our spider.

Or Wellard The Second.

Hmm...both a bit of a mouthful, ain't they, eh?

I know, let's keep it simple. Let's call it...

Joey.

That's a nice idea.

Yeah, all right.

Derek! Tea!

Yeah, coming!

-You won't tell that we're not really sick, will you?

-No. 'Course I won't, sweetheart.

Be our little secret.

And I just happen to have a present for little Joey.

THEY GASP

-BOTH: Thank you!

-Aaah!

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh!

MOBILE BEEPS

-Good, innit?

-Yeah. That's brilliant mate.

-ALFIE LAUGHS

-Listen, I've got to go and crack on with that new stock.

-All right. See you later.

What's that? Another one of your dirty videos?

No, no, no, it's er... a video of little Tommy walking.

-Come on, let's have a look.

-Yeah.

Yeah, Kat sent it me this morning. Gutted I can't be there to see it.

He's growing up so quick.

-Got to make the most of every moment, haven't ya?

-Yeah.

You're right, mate. You've got to make the most of every moment.

-Nice one. Catch you later, Jack.

-See you later.

There you go, sexy.

Mmm...thank you.

Now this is what life is all about.

Being waited on

and having breakfast at lunchtime.

Yeah, well, don't get too used to it.

I've got a 5k run first thing tomorrow just to work this lot off.

-THEY LAUGH

-You can join me if you like.

Uh...yeah, right.

You see, I'm like a supermodel.

I don't get out of bed for less than 10k.

THEY LAUGH

(Bianca...)

Yeah?

This sandwich smells fishy.

Oh, does it? Well it would do, it's prawn.

-It's off.

-I don't think so.

I'm telling ya, it's off!

-Well what do you want me to do about it?

-I want my money back for a start.

Well, I'm sorry, Cora, I'm not authorised to give refunds.

Oh, I see.

I'll have a word with Ian, shall I?

I tell you what, seeing as you've ate half of it,

why don't I give you...

..half your money back.

Oi!

-Everything all right?

-Yeah.

Just another day in paradise, you know.

How was Penny?

Yeah, 14 going on 40.

-BIANCA CHUCKLES

-How's your lot doing?

-Yeah, Tiff and Morgan are in bed sick.

-Are they?

I'll have to dig out the clown outfit, see if I can liven 'em up.

Well, if you do, do me a favour.

If Derek's there, take him with you when you leave.

He's just been hanging about lately. You know, doling out advice.

Lording it over us like he's the head of the family.

He's really stirring things up with me and me mum.

I mean me and me mum can manage just fine

without Walford's answer to Don Corleone interfering at every turn.

Look, I know Derek can be a bit full-on at times,

but don't be too hard on him at the minute.

He's got things on his mind.

Well, what things?

-But we made plans.

-Yeah, I know and I'm sorry.

But Ben needs me to help him get the stock car running again,

and then I've got...

Oh, right, well, obviously that's far more important.

-I'd much rather see you.

-Well, why don't you, then?

Because...things are complicated at home right now.

All right? I should be getting back to help Ben.

But we'll do something tomorrow instead, yeah?

I promise.

Give me a cuddle.

All right?

-You looking for this?

-Oh!

You are a life-saver.

Oh...

Oh, I was thinking, we should do something special tonight. You know, it's our anniversary.

I don't want to be too soppy or nothing, but being with you is pretty special.

-Too busy to reply to my text, then?

-What text?

-I texted you this morning.

-Oh, sorry. Whit's had my phone all day.

Well, there's no text here from you.

Oh, well, do you know what it is? It's probably, um...

Texts take ages to come through sometimes, don't they?

Or someone deleted it.

Oh, behave. Whitney wouldn't do that, would you, babe?

No, of course I wouldn't.

She's lying.

No, I'm not.

-Are you going to believe her over me?

-Why would I lie?

-I don't know.

I don't know, maybe because you're a conniving, desperate cow

who wants to get her hands on my man.

Do you know what, Tyler, she probably didn't even send a text.

I guess I'll leave you two to it.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'm here to read the electricity meter.

Oh, right, right, you'd better come in.

Everything all right? Yeah?

So we're having a little dose of the crazies today, are we?

No. I just don't understand why you need all those other girls' names in your phone.

I don't need 'em. They're just there.

In case of emergencies?

Oh!

Delete 'em.

-What?

-I want you to delete them.

-Delete all the other girls' names on your phone.

-What is this, time of the month?

-Do you think you're funny, Tyler?

-Oh, yes. I'm hilarious.

-Can you not see me cracking up?

-Well, I'm trying to be serious, OK?

-So if you care about me, then you'll do this.

-Yeah, and if you care about me, you'll trust me.

Now, where exactly did you get this key from?

I told you, I got it from you lot.

And I told you that that is not a regulation key.

Maybe one of your lot's on the fiddle. How should I know?

Mrs Butcher,

-I'm not sure you realise what a serious matter this is.

-Right, she's not done anything wrong.

She's the innocent party here.

As I was saying, this is a very serious matter...

-Do you have any idea what it's like to bring up four kids on your own, yeah?

-But...

as this is your first time,

I will let you off with a warning on this occasion.

But I will be changing the meter and giving you a new key.

So you don't get scammed again.

And that just leaves the small matter of the £50 of illegal usage,

which, obviously, must be repaid.

Well, I ain't got £50.

Right, well, um...

I'll add it to your new meter,

and you can pay it off as you top up.

Would £5 a week be manageable?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Right.

Try it now.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE REVS

Oh, that was a close call, wasn't it?

What a result.

Thanks for putting him in his place, Mum.

How could you be so stupid?

I mean, what exactly did you do with the money I gave you for the electric?

Frittered it away, I suppose.

For your information, I bought some make-up to try and make us a few quid

until Tiffany decided to give it all away.

Oh, so this is Tiffany's fault now, is it?

No, no, it's not Tiffany's fault. It's Saint Derek's fault, cos he's the one who gave me the dodgy key.

Well... Well, Derek can take care of himself.

You know, if you get banged up again, who's going to look after your kids?

As if they're going to put me in prison for 50 quid's worth of electric! I mean...

-B...

-No, Whit, not now.

-Can I...

-No, I ain't got time.

-Please?

-No.

DOOR SLAMS

Well, that numpty Winston, he ran out of paint.

I had to pop out and get some myself...

-Everything all right?

-No, everything is not all right.

-I've had that electric man round here about that dodgy key you gave me.

-Good one, Derek.

-That's unfortunate. I hope my name wasn't mentioned.

-No, it wasn't.

-But on second thoughts, I should have dropped you in it.

-Oi!

-What?

-You're the one who used the key.

Yeah, and was stupid enough to get caught with it.

-What are you even doing here?

-I'm trying to mend your ceiling. Free of charge.

-And who asked you do to that?

-I did.

-Look at the state of it, it's a complete mess.

-There's gratitude!

-Clear off, Derek!

Trying to worm your way into this house. Buy your way into my kids' lives.

No wonder your own kid don't want nothing to do with you.

-I mean, really, you can't blame him. Who'd want you as a dad, eh?

-Oi...

-It'd drive you mad.

-You watch your mouth, you.

-Derek!

-You're lucky your mother's here. I'd put you across my knee.

I don't need your help. And I don't need you to fight my battles for me either!

CAROL SIGHS, DOOR SLAMS

-This better be important, Billy.

-It is.

CAR ENGINE REVS

What's Jay playing at?

It ain't Jay.

It's Ben.

ENGINE REVS

Tommy Moon, he ain't going to be a banger racer, he'll be a Formula 1 driver, I tell ya.

You know what, I reckon I could get Morgan into the Olympics in 2026 if I started training him now.

Why is it that women never feel the need to be competitive with their children?

-That's because you lot are too busy stabbing each other in the back.

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, yeah? You know what, you're going to pay for that one.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, that's right, big man. And the heels are coming out. And not in a good way.

-Ooh!

Here, Paul, have a look at this. Look, this is Tommy's first steps.

-That's your boy?

-Getting big, ain't he?

-Yeah. Be running this place soon.

-Tell me about it. Kat sent me it.

ENGINE REVS

Listen, Derek...

You've been shooting your mouth off to Bianca about my business, haven't ya?

-I was just trying to get her to cut you some slack, that's all.

-What, so I'm a charity case now, is that it?

What, so you don't want to see your son, then?

Cos you was very keen to see your imaginary daughter when you had one.

So go and see him, then.

Go on, I'll come with you if you want.

Cos you don't want to miss out on any more of his life than you already have.

Don't go all sentimental on me, Jack. I'm not like you, all "woe is me".

"Boo hoo hoo, I can't see my daughter any more."

Eh?

And a one-night stand doth not a father make.

No.

It takes a lot more than that.

Bottle.

Guts. Hard graft.

You know, being prepared to get slapped in the face

over and over again, but caring enough to keep going back for more.

You should write one of them self-help books for single dads. You'd make yourself a fortune.

ENGINE REVS

REVS GROW LOUDER

What do you reckon, eh?

HE CHUCKLES

Didn't know you had it in ya.

-ALFIE:

-And he's fallen over!

HE LAUGHS

Alfred, get your coat.

Why, have I pulled?

PAUL CHUCKLES

Yeah, and then he just cancelled our plans.

SHE SIGHS

Gran, are you all right? You don't look too good.

I don't feel too good, darling.

Must have been that dodgy sandwich I ate at the caff.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh...