28/09/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

Morning, my love. Morning.

I should find out today.

So if you get lucky and you ARE a match, then...?

Then, we ALL get lucky.

What?

"What?" he says. Alice staggered in gone midnight

and then spent the rest of the night throwing up in the bog. Oh.

Is that all you can say?

Is she all right?

A gent would go round and see how she is.

I've just started work.

You're a little love, ain't you?

Are you serious? Mm-hm.

You could've said your dad was that ill.

Yeah, well, I was looking after YOU, weren't I?

This is a bit different, Dex.

Look, relax, I've got it covered.

I've been tested, and it might just be I can help.

I don't play around. Someone needs me, I'm on it.

And your mum agreed?

I haven't actually told her yet, so keep that one zipped, yeah?

You can't not say anything.

I will! Just closer to the time.

Oh, yeah, because that's going to go really well(!)

"Hi, Mum, you see this big hole in my body?

"Well, guess what?" Yeah, top plan, Dexter.

Look, she'll just be happy enough Sam's not ill any more.

So you would actually go through with this operation?

I ain't gone this far not to.

He's lucky to have you.

Only if I'm a match.

Even if you're not.

Dexter Hartman. The man to go to for a kidney.

No, you can surprise me if you want. ..No, really, Jack.

I want to see you cook dinner, I really do.

Yes, you can wear an apron if you like.

SHE GIGGLES

Listen, I've got to go. I'll see you later.

SHARON CLEARS HER THROAT Yeah, OK, me too. Bye.

This is not what I do.

Well, someone's got to do it.

We've got cleaners for this sort of thing. Yeah, who are off sick today.

YOU do it. I'm presuming you're free after your little phone call.

No, I'm busy. Yeah? Planning dinner?

Actually, I've got loads of receipts to sort out for the accountant.

Yeah, well, I can do it.

I was doing it before you came back, and I can do it now.

What is your problem? I know what I'm doing.

I used to run this place.

And being part-owner I'm telling you I'LL do it.

Really? Do you want to go down that route?

I have got 41%, thanks to Phil.

That's twice as much as you've got,

which puts me at the top of the tree.

I've to go to the school to talk about Denny. He's a star pupil -

and that's because I'm there for him.

My value to him, and this club, is immeasurable.

So don't ever try to undermine me again, please.

It was just a phone call, Sharon.

Hi, er, I'm Kirsty - Jack's sister-in-law.

Oh, hello. Hi. I'm just wondering if you've got any work?

A few hours here and there?

Oh, no, sorry, we're covered.

Yeah, but I'll do anything. Literally.

We've already got someone who does that.

Fair enough. But if anything does come up...

Yeah. No, definitely, definitely. I'll let you know.

See ya. See ya.

So this is how it's going to be, is it?

You weren't around. Jack was fair game.

Alice?

Hello?

You under there?

Earth calling Alice.

SHE GROANS I think we've established signs of life!

Not helping.

Hello, Alice, how are you?

Have a guess.

OK. I'm not a doctor, but I think you've probably seen better days.

Yeah. Thanks.

But worry not, sock puppets to the rescue!

Seriously, Tam, please. Another time.

OK.

Here, girlie, take these.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I was just trying to take her mind off it, so...

What, with a pair of socks?

Yeah. Yeah. You should take them off, really, shouldn't you?

Go on. Yeah. Yeah.

There you go.

Dex, you got a second?

Yeah, come on.

Your mum. She's...scared.

Yeah, well, you're lucky you've got me as your back-up, then.

Dex, she's scared that she won't be a match.

Then she's scared that she WILL be.

She's also scared that I won't get what I need,

but above all she's scared that you might try and help me.

That's four kinds of scared right there.

Did you tell her that I got tested? You can let that go, Dex.

I'm not taking your kidney from you.

Yeah, well, you know what? That's not your call.

I'll take my chances - something will come up.

I've got around a year. A lot can happen in that time.

Why can't you just admit you could be looking at your best chance?

Even if I am, I won't accept.

What? If you're a match, I'll turn you down.

Are you crazy?

Oi. Sam, come...

What? Were you going to tell me? Look, can you just leave it?

It's all sorted now, and besides, I'm on top of it, all right?

Do you want to die? I'm not going to die! You ain't going to have much of a life with one kidney!

How do YOU know? Are you a kidney expert now?

I've read books. You've read nothing.

It's not as though you owe the bloke.

Jay, why are you even being like that? Why?

I'm trying to save someone's life and all you can do is stand there being negative.

Can you just be happy for me?

HE WHISTLES

You all right? Finished already?

Yeah, certainly have. You ain't going to recognise that kitchen.

Nice one. Listen, you know, working here,

it's not doing your head in or anything, is it? No, it's fine.

Oh, OK. Right. I get it.

You're scared I'm going to drink all your booze.

No, no, darling, no. I didn't say that.

Cos I'm here to work, Alfie.

And you're doing a great job. I just wanted to make sure you're all right.

Well, I am fine. I promise.

Good. See you later, sweetheart. See ya.

You know, I'm not really that happy about her,

not after what her dad did to Phil.

Whoa, it's got nothing to do with her. She's trying to get by. PHONE BEEPS

It's Phil. Got no food.

That's a good sign. Means he's getting better, don't it,

getting hungry? And he can use his fingers to text now, can't he?

Yeah, he's got it all going on, ain't he?

I'll see you soon.

Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're going over there NOW?

I need to get some shopping for him first.

Right...

What?

No, nothing. Alfie...

Is SHE going to be there?

No! The text's from him, not HER.

I'm sorry, don't know what I'm thinking. I'm being stupid.

Alfie... Look, I won't be long, I promise, all right? Don't worry.

No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just being stupid, that's all.

Someone's got to feed Phil, that's all.

You be careful you don't poison him. Oi!

Give him my love, won't you? I will. All right. See you soon.

Maybe you should've washed them first, man.

Wouldn't have made a difference.

First time I tried the sock trick, my wife left me.

Mate, Alice is not Afia, OK?

Yeah, but Alice isn't Alice right now either.

She turned up last night looking like a cross between Barbarella

and Dr Frank-N-Furter.

Who and who?

I'll send you a link.

OK, good times. Well, I don't know what you're worried about, bro.

OK, the way I see it is this girl is embracing her sexual side,

and what you need to do is embrace her while she is embracing herself.

Well, yeah, but I can't really go over,

now I've made her feel worse, can I?

Did Sir Bradley Wiggins give up on that bike-cycle thing?

Did he, huh? What? No. No, he didn't.

He took it all the way.

He didn't care whether he crashed or he fell.

This is not remotely relevant.

I'm saying, get back on your bike, bro, all right?

Spin round there and let her know.

Tell her, "I'm your man, you're my woman and I'm here to embrace you."

I don't know how to ride a bike.

Tam, women need to know that they are loved, OK?

It's a small thing, but it goes a long way.

Like a bike.

OK.

Well, is it true?

Flipping heck, some secret I've got. Everyone knows it.

Yeah, well, I just bumped into Jay.

Now you're going to tell me I'm stupid. Go on. No.

Whatever, Lola. Dex, I'm your mate, all right?

If you need advice, I'll give it to you,

but if you've made your mind up, then I'll just have to respect it.

So why did you come looking for me?

Cos if you're like me, you're going to need someone's hand to hold.

If it happens, I'll sail through it.

You won't even notice I'm a kidney down.

All right. I tell you what.

You tell me where and when, and I'll be at that hospital for you.

Look, Dex, this is a big op - you know that, right?

Ahh. So why didn't Auntie Peggy stop by the Vic?

Flying visit, apparently.

Here you go.

Ronnie wrote it all out for you.

What, she's not here?

She had to go to the accountant.

But I thought the text was a secret message to meet her.

She used my phone, in case of Alfie.

Right, OK.

Ain't you going to ask me how I am?

Sorry, yes. How are you? Hungry.

Yeah, OK, thanks, but just let me know if anything comes up, yeah?

Come on, Kirst.

How much do you need? I told you, I'm sorted.

Yeah. Don't need my help, do you?

Look, what's wrong with lending you a few quid?

The interest payments.

That will have your husband trembling with desire, that will.

There won't be any interest payments - you're my friend.

Oi! If she don't want that dress, I'LL have it.

My fella'll go crazy for me in this.

So will yours too, once he spots me in it.

I'll take it. That's 20 quid please, darling.

Here you go. Thanks.

I haven't sold one of them all month.

You want to sell more? I'll help you. I'm good, thanks.

Yeah, well, Bianca's away. Yeah, but she'll be back soon enough.

Yeah, but you're on your tod. It must be tiring. What is this, a job interview?

Give me one day on the stall. If it goes well, we'll talk money.

Kirsty, you've already got a job. But I really need another one.

Look, I dunno. Come on, it's not just for me, it's Max's kids as well.

Listen, I'll even fetch your coffees for you.

What, you think I drink coffee all day?

Well, you do now.

Please, Kat, I really need it.

Yeah, all right. Better change your shoes, though, cos your trotters take a right old battering.

So, you being looked after? Yeah. Ronnie's taking care of that.

Seems like Ronnie's taking care of everything.

Wanted me to clean the toilets earlier. HE LAUGHS

Here, it ain't funny. The power's gone to her head.

She's just trying to stay on top of things.

You'd better tell her not to push her luck. If you want my advice,

don't go to war with her. And you're going to stop me? How, exactly?

If you don't like the way things are, you can always sell your share of the club.

Walk away with a few quid and start being a proper mum to that kid of yours.

I'm a great mum, thank you. Well, when do you get to see Denny, eh?

He's at school all day, and you're running a nightclub in the evening.

I'm only thinking what's best for you.

It doesn't matter how tired I get, I still find time for him.

And we both know what you do when you're up against it.

I'm off the pills, Phil - you know that.

Don't put yourself in a place where that could change.

I tell you what, stop spouting nonsense, and tell Ronnie

if she wants a war, she's got one.

I'll tell Ronnie that she's in charge.

And that that ain't going to change.

They're all wrinkly already. Look at 'em, Abs.

I told them I needed to wear gloves.

Told who?

Er, Alfie and Roxy. I've started cleaning for them now.

You're around all that alcohol? Yes, and grease and filth,

which makes you want to get out of there as soon as you can.

But it's a pub, Lauren. Yeah, it's a smelly one, Abi.

DOORBELL I'll get it. Yeah, you will.

Hey, you all right, Abs? What's this?

It's dinner for a week.

It's all microwave, but it ain't harmed ME,

so I'm sure you'll be all right. You don't need to do that.

No, I know, Lauren, but I want to.

Well, I won't say no.

Yeah, well, thank you.

DOORBELL You two are popular!

Lauren... Mmm? I really want to do my bit.

To help. Yeah, well, thanks again. Anything you need, just let me know.

Yeah, I will do.

Listen, I'm not working tonight, if you fancy doing something, actually,

if you want a bit of company.

I was going to tell you, but I didn't know if Dexter wanted me to or not.

Come in here.

Jay, he'll be all right.

What do YOU know? You're not a doctor. Anything could happen.

He just wants to help his dad.

Listen, go on the internet and find me some horror kidney stories.

And we'll show him what can go wrong.

No, I am not going to do that.

Just one report.

Look, why are you so against this?

Because. That is not an answer.

Because...that's what friends do. They step in and help each other.

He's made his decision.

He owes Phil money. How's he going to pay him back if he's in hospital?

Phil will just have to wait. Oh, yeah, like that's going to happen.

He might not even be a match, all right? The chances are slim.

All I'm saying is, right,

Dex ain't thinking clearly at the moment, so we need to do it for him.

PHONE RINGTONE

Hello? ..Yes, yes, Ava Hartman.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

OK.

Mm-hm.

Thank you. Bye.

What's this, rude girl? Oh, that? It's a present from Lexi's great... Great...?

Phil's mum, Peggy. That's nice.

Guess what, I've been doing some reading and... You've been doing reading?!

Oi, shut up! Listen to this, there's a chance I could get some compensation off this, you know.

What, in case the op goes wrong?

No. In case, like, I have to take time off work, innit?

How much time off work? Look, who cares?

Look, if I had a cape on right now, they'd call me Superdex.

I'm paying debts, I'm saving lives, I'm on this Mother Teresa stuff.

So I thought we could go for lunch. My treat.

Please don't mention food.

OK, well, I'll eat, and then you can...just sit and...

Watch?

Yeah.

No. We'll sit and talk.

You know, we'll chew the breeze.

Fat. You shoot the breeze.

Yeah, I know. I just...I like mixing it up.

So I'll be in the caff.

Right, let's go. Go?

Yeah. We're doing stuff.

I want to do stuff. Come and do stuff WITH us.

Really? Bring your socks. Yeah...

What about tomorrow? What ABOUT tomorrow?

I'm talking to Alice. And I'm saving you from a potentially humiliating conversation.

Yeah. See you later.

Now, a very interesting thing just happened there.

Because you could have said something but you chose not to.

So that proves that Michael is right, doesn't it?

I don't know. Does it? Yeah, it does.

Alice, there's a whole world out there,

and they want to come between us.

But I won't let them come between us.

(It's just you and me.)

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'm so sorry. It's OK.

I really thought I'd be a match.

It was a slim chance.

It wasn't meant to be, that's all.

I don't know where we go from here.

Sorry. Have I come at the wrong time?

Yeah, you are a bit early.

Right, well, I'm here now.

Er, I'll...go and do some shopping, make us a big dinner.

Celebration?

See ya. ..Come in.

Right.

Well, I presume we can talk in a civil manner. Yes, of course.

Unfortunately for Denny, the other school can't fit him in,

but he's on the waiting list. Right. I'll just go and get his report.

Oh. You don't have it?

You are the one that's early, OK?

I thought you wanted to see me, I thought that's why you texted me.

No, I was just looking out for Phil. Though, obviously I want to see you.

You caught me on the hop, Ron. I went racing over there.

What are you saying? That I can't even text you?

No, no, no, no. Well, what, then?

I just really thought I was going to see you at Phil's.

Well, that's a good thing, isn't it? No, it's not a good thing.

I was too excited to see you.

I can't do this any more. Me neither.

You know, I walked past R&R three times before I could slide in undetected.

It's like I'm in a spy movie all of a sudden.

Ron, I miss you so much.

I miss you too.

The Square is the one place I shouldn't be.

I only came back here for you.

What do we do?

I don't know. But I've done my time, haven't I?

I've BEEN punished.

Right. He plays with his phone a lot.

It shouldn't even be in school.

And some of the work in his workbook looks like it's been copied from someone else's.

No, that's rubbish. People would have copied Denny's work.

Well, Denny's work was late in. What is this? A witch hunt?

No. I'm also worried... Yeah, I'M worried now.

You can't go throwing accusations around.

I'm worried that Dennis is not a positive influence

on the rest of the class.

I'm sorry?

Look, I'm sorry. I'm not having a very good day.

Can we do this at another point? There's no need.

Because this - this is rubbish.

You get a child with a bit of spirit, a bit of character, and what do you do?

You crush him. I don't think... You have no idea how to bring out the best in my Denny,

and now you're blaming HIM for that.

Now, he only plays with his phone because I text him

to make sure he's having a good day.

His homework is in on time because I do it with him

and I make sure it's done.

Oh, and as for not having a positive influence,

look in the mirror.

Go on, your wife will love you for ever.

Here, I'll try it on. I'll show you.

Here, what do you think about that? There you go.

Snug fit, innit? It's cut on the bias.

I don't want to take it off now. Interested?

I'll take her - I mean, it.

25 quid, please. Cheers, darling.

Here you go. Hurry back, yeah?

I will. See you later. See ya.

Blokes, eh? I know. They're all the same.

A smile and a flash of cleavage, and their brains turn to slush.

I love em', I do, but they fall for it every time!

Yeah, because we want them to. Then they end up just annoying me.

Have you ever added up how many have disappointed you or let you down?

I can't. I have.

Really? Yeah, but I had a calculator.

I think Michael's hypnotised her. He's, like, brainwashed her.

It's like a sect, but with two people.

You want my advice?

Does it involve bikes?

Just keep pedalling, man. What is it with you and bikes?

OK, then, strip it all back.

Take it to where it's all at - the heart, man.

That's where you're going to find her. The heart?

You've just got to point the way.

Fats, I literally don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, man.

HE LAUGHS

Mum?

I tried.

Mum...

Mum...

I dunno what we do now.

So, what? What's the odds? What did they say?

Look, Mum, listen... No. I didn't say anything yet.

You don't have to. You're not putting yourself forward.

You're not the only one who wants to help. I am not having you anywhere near this.

How do you know I ain't done it already? What?

Look, Mum, I can't just sit here and do nothing.

Dexter, what have you done?

I had a test as well. No. No. No, no, please don't do this to me.

Look, Mum, relax, I haven't heard anything yet, but I'm ready, Mum.

I am.

Please, please let me pop it. No.

Please, brother, go on, let me pop it.

It's the path to her heart, OK? It's symbolic.

But it's really not, brother.

Alice, uh...

The balloon stall amazingly had a sale on today, and...

I know I'm rubbish at all this, and I'm just...

Come on.

Alice.

You can just tell them to ignore the results,

tell them we don't even want to hear it.

I ain't doing that, Mum. You absolutely will.

Mum, I'm an adult, yeah?

You think you can just make all these decisions for me,

you have no power over me.

I'm your mum. I love you, OK?

And I care about you.

Yeah, and I'm making us a family - the family that we should've been. Please, Dexter, don't do this.

Look, can't you see it?

Can't you see what we could all have?

I mean, you must have, if you put yourself forward for the testing. You want a positive result, Mum.

And I can give that to you. I can give it to you.

D'you know what I want?

I want YOU, OK?

I am not prepared to lose two people. Mum, I'm not going to die.

Yeah, I know, because this ends right here and now.

You think I'm just going to sit back and let you risk everything?

But I was about to. I was about to sit back and watch YOU go, Mum.

You think I weren't scared? Frightened to lose you?

I didn't even do this test for Sam, Mum, I did it for you.

To save YOU.

See, now that just makes me love you more.

Baby, you are too precious to lose.

So what about Sam?

We'll just have to tell him that the test came back negative.

Mum! I know. I'm sorry. I know what it sounds like, but...

Just do this one thing for me, OK?

I could've been a hero.

You ARE a hero. You're MY hero.

Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh... I got carried away, Mum.

I thought it'd be so easy. But you're right.

What's the chances anyway?

Thank you.

HORROR FILM PLAYS ON TV

Fats said it was a classic. What do YOU think?

What, about the film?

About anything, really.

I might go upstairs.

Yeah? Hm.

Have a bath, read a book,

get an early night.

There's...there's not a lot of jokes, is there?

SQUELCH, SCREAMING

You know that stuff you were saying earlier? I get it now.

Someone listens to me for the first time. My man.

I'm going to phone the hospital, and I'm going to tell 'em that is long.

Yeah, do it, mate. Sam'll be happy.

Guess he will be - in a strange enough way.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

I was just about to ring you lot, you know.

Wait. Say that again?

What's the matter?

Sorry?

Dex?

I'm a match, Jay.

I got a reply! Someone likes my profile.

Oh, she's nice. Did you join a dating site?

Hundreds of them. Tam, look.

Hey, Tam. Yeah, it's a woman.

I'm only trying to catch up with you guys.

You've got Carol, you've got Alice, I'm like the lonely, yet handsome, gooseberry, aren't I,

you naughty little non-smoker?

Well, if you do find someone, just don't give them a balloon.

Look, it's not easy, Mum, saying nothing.

Do you think I don't know that?

Especially when I can help him.

What?

You heard?

I'm a match, for all the good it does.

It changes nothing, though, yeah. Mum, man...

You know it can't. All right?

Do I? Dexter, this is the right thing.

I can't lose both of you.

You know we've got to live with this now, innit?

We will. Somehow.

What are you doing? He didn't bother.

What? Tamwar. He didn't call you.

You're going through my phone.

You left it lying around.

You can't do that.

What are you getting angry for? I'm looking out for you.

I didn't want him upsetting you.

OK, well, I'd just really rather you didn't.

OK, I won't.

Sorry, that was wrong.

OK. But it was necessary. Do you see?

See, you've got good on one hand and bad on the other.

Kind of balances itself out.

OK. OK.

Morning, Butcher HQ. Over. Morning, Beale One. Over.

Beale One to Butcher HQ. I miss you. Over.

Aw... Over.

Big Bear approaching. Hang five. Over.

All right, come on, you. Time to get to school.

I'll be glad when you can get there on your own.

Which you might have to do, when I go on this catering course.

'Hello?' Do you hear a voice?

A voice? Yeah.

I must be working too hard. Come on, let's get to school.

So, he said no to you then? Yeah.

That's good. Good?

I think I got Sam wrong.

Dexter? Yes?

You need to talk to him again. Steady.

Look, I don't understand, yesterday, you said you wanted to help and...

Yesterday was yesterday, innit?

Why don't you keep out of it, cos you told me he needs to make up his own mind up.

Yeah, but that is... He's... Guys!

What's changed?

I ain't actually told him. So he doesn't know?

Nice one.

How can you say that?

Because I care about my mate.

Are you sure about this? Well, I promised my mum.

So that's how it's got to stay.

She was scared. Like proper scared. For me, I mean.

And I know... I know it sounds cruel,

but it's like she's weighed up all the options and this is the way it's got to be now. Your mum's right.

You reckon? Yeah.

I was against it and I'm only your mate. Imagine what she'd think.

Jay, can I take a couple of hours off?

I don't feel like working right now. Yeah, go on, mate.

So much for being a superhero.

I mean, Super Dex? Who's that?

You look as if you've got half of Savile Row there.

It's all for a good cause.

This is Michael's dry cleaning.

Alice, have you got a minute?

Yeah. I'm so sorry, I've forgotten my purse.

I've heard every excuse under the sun now. I've got some change.

Well, never mind. Oh, sorry.

I got a bun at the cafe, so...

Anyway... Now I've got you on your own...

PHONE RINGS

Well, sort of. So sorry. One sec.

It's Michael. Hello.

Just taking your suits in.

I just saw them lying there.

Tell him they'll be ready tomorrow.

Thank you. I just want to help.

OK, bye.

Sorry, Tam...

No, no, no, that is not acceptable.

So, why don't you go back,

think about your offer, before you embarrass yourself again?

Goodbye.

Why are you staring at me?

I'm failing to locate my daughter.

Oh, my God, where is she?

Billy's got her for a bit.

I did try Alice, but apparently she's tied up.

Yeah, that would be my fault. No, really?

Yeah. She likes doing things for me.

You are aware that that is borderline grooming, Michael?

It works better than a marriage.

Sometimes I want a woman's touch, but I don't want to touch a woman,

know what I mean?

Tamwar, what happened? We were talking and then we weren't talking.

You ignored me.

I was on the phone. Yeah, to the great Michael.

What's that supposed to mean?

He burst my balloon.

Is that all you can say?

Should I buy another one? Tamwar...

What do you want me to buy? Or say? Or do?

Or think? Whatever. Just tell me.

You're going to have to work that one out yourself. Because I don't know either. Sorry.

Ah! Damn it. Sorry, hot tea coming through.

Yeah, I am free on Thursday.

What, just the two of us?

But I thought you were up to your neck with kids?

Yeah, I think so.

That tea is a health hazard.

Come on, bro, be serious.

I'm being serious. Someone could slip on it. So clear it up.

Yeah, but there's already been rain, OK? There's like 12 puddles already.

Yeah, exactly, I don't need any more.

Yo. Listen, brother, don't take it out on me, man. I'm just doing my job.

Clear up the tea. Tam?

I'm working. Yeah, yeah, working on being a fool.

Well, that's just slander. So no pitch for you. Tamwar...

What? Two things.

Don't use that tone with me and secondly, it's just spilt tea. Thank you, Mr Mas.

It's not about the tea, is it?

I think we all know that.

Where's Michael?

Oh, well, he got a phone call, said he had to dash.

So much for lunch then.

Yeah, well, that's what happens when you enter the world of Michael.

One minute he's here and the next he's not.

It's kind of like magic. But just really bad magic.

You would say that.

Seriously. Where is he?

I'd get out if I were you, Alice.

Before it all just gets too dark.

It's very simple. Girls are girls.

Is that it? Girls are girls. Well, they are.

Dad, I've not liked anyone properly since...

Afia...

Yeah, and that's Afia who left on a moped with my torn up heart

in her top box. Yeah, well, that's a bit dramatic.

She was my wife, OK?

And she said, "Don't wait around looking out the window,

"waiting for me to come back."

Yeah, well, that's good advice. Yeah.

So after about a year of doing precisely that, I thought,

"No, I'm going to sort myself out, get back out there onto the scene."

But? But?

I can see a big but coming. Well, I don't think Alice is that keen.

Has she said that? No. Not outright.

You're still in there then. I don't know.

I don't know whether I'm in or out or...

# Shake it all about. #

It's not helping.

OK. Has she said anything?

Not really. OK, then when she does, you do the opposite.

Why would I do that?

Because, when it comes to women, they say one thing and mean another.

Oi, Sam, what you doing in here?

Kitchen.

You making lunch in there or something.

You got me, I'm the new chef.

Alfie's asked me to sort out a few things.

Plus your mum's at home and she's kind of treating me

like I've got minutes to live.

Which is nice, but...

Yeah, I know. I know my mum.

Do you want me to help you though?

Ain't you got work?

I was in work early, so I'm due a couple of hours.

What do you know about electrics?

Not a lot, but I'm sure you can teach me.

Passing on my skills, huh?

Look, if you don't want to, then you don't have... It's cool.

But I'm not talking about kidneys and organs and stuff.

We do the job and that's that.

Yeah.

Come.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Hi. Hey. OK. I am doing and saying things.

I'm actually a bit busy, Tamwar.

Which actually means you're not.

What? See, I know how it works now.

I've got to take what you say and then reinterpret it as the opposite.

OK, no, but I am actually busy. No, it's fine.

Put your feet up, sit back, relax

and immerse yourself in The Pertwee Years.

The what?

Do you want a cup of tea?

Erm, OK.

OK, though it'll actually be coffee, yeah?

Stand up, by which I mean sit down.

Have you taken something? No.

Does that mean yes?

No. Yes. Yeah? No. Alice?

Ali... I've lost my phone. You seen it?

Erm, no, I haven't, sorry.

It's got all my details on it, it's got my bank, all my contacts, everything.

Come on, give me a hand, will you?

Come on.

Lock the door behind you.

Psst. (Don't steal nothing.)

TV: EXTERMINATE!

You see this? Useless.

When they refurbished this place, they cut a few corners somewhere.

See me, I've made a career out of repairing cowboy work.

What?

Nah...

I'm just... I'm watching and learning.

I'd say you were someplace else.

No. Not me.

You're doing it now.

Doing what?

Looking at me just like your mum was.

I ain't about to pop my clogs any second.

I'll be around for a long time.

I just need a little bit of luck.

So, what? Is that what this is down to now, yeah?

What? A bit of luck.

I'd say so, yeah.

All right, so how lucky do you actually think you are?

Cos I'm sorry, Sam, this illness that you have suggests otherwise.

You're looking at it wrong, Dex.

I've got your mum, and I'm stood here talking to you.

Now that's proper luck there.

All right, so if all this was so good then why did you even..? Ah.

Why did I run out on you all those years ago?

Yeah.

Simple answer is I wasn't strong enough.

Big man like me and I couldn't cope.

Couldn't take the strain.

My head filled up with panic.

Panic about being a dad, panic about being a husband...

..and I got...

I got terrified about it all.

It wasn't you and Ava I ran out on.

It was all the things I found out about myself.

So what's different now?

I'm less of a fool.

More of a man and less of a fool.

You're lucky.

Don't I know it.

I mean proper lucky.

Because I...

I'm going to help you.

That's right.

Your ship just came in.

Cos you're looking at your match.

We said we weren't going to talk about that. Yeah, well, we kind of have to now.

Because I'm going to help you.

Nope. What do you mean, no?

Come and hold this torch.

Wait. Sam, what are you talking about?

We're here to do a job.

You know, I don't get you, you know?

Cos if this was me, I'd be in an alley somewhere

waiting with a scalpel by now.

No, I'm serious.

I like it.

Look, you see Mum, yeah? She knows that I'm a match.

But she said I shouldn't tell you.

Everyone's keeping something to themselves.

Yeah, but that's only because she's... Scared. Yeah.

But I told you that.

And now you've seen it in her, you get it, right?

I guess so.

Good.

What you doing? Oh, just sitting.

Let me see. See what?

That. Hand it over.

"Dear Tiff, I was thinking about you all afternoon."

Well, I was.

Paper. OK.

Pen. Yeah.

Good. Right...

This is how you write a letter.

"Dear Tiffany..."

We have light.

All right, so what's next then? Hmm?

I mean, you got any more jobs?

I have, but so have you.

Yeah, that can wait.

Dex, you shouldn't be letting people down.

Look, I told you, I'm due some time off anyway.

All the same.

What, you don't want me around, is that it?

Dex, I'm loving it. OK, no, no, no. I get it.

I knew you couldn't be that all right with everything. Dex, all I'm trying to say is...

Do you know how much more of this we could have? Say, "Go on, Dexter, I need you."

Go to work, Dexter.

The lights are on.

What was that?

Tiff?

"Dear Tiff, it is with huge regret that I..."

He doesn't like me any more.

Tiff, wait.

What's the point? Come on, love.

Oh, is it a ghost? Am I dreaming?

Shall I slap myself?

Jay had a call out this afternoon,

and so I ain't had time to go online and check my likes.

Jay...

I think you're needed, man.

Hey.

I am going to cook your favourite.

I could get used to this. Good.

Because something's going to come up.

It will.

Something already has.

Did he tell you?

And he told me a lot more besides.

Look, it was me who told him to ignore the test results, OK?

Because... I know why, Ava.

It's cool. I get it.

But, to be honest with you, he had to say something.

I knew he'd been tested,

so it would've been pretty weird - him not saying anything.

I said no. That I'm not interested.

Yeah, but not before you agreed to him being tested.

So what changed? It wasn't like that.

Did you put the thought in his head, Sam? No.

Because if you did, I will never... Listen to me. This was all his idea.

It was his call, I swear to you.

Would I really be begging him not to have the operation

if I suggested the test in the first place?

He's my son, OK? What was I meant to do?

Look.

I'm with you, I don't want to see him get ill or damaged either.

But we really shouldn't keep secrets from each other, should we?

No.

Not any more.

We stand together from now on.

Well, I say that, but me and Dexter just had a falling out.

What, about the test results?

No. Banned subject.

But you know what?

The row, it felt real.

Fathers and sons do it all the time,

and there's me and Dexter bickering and shouting at him.

Thank you for finding my phone.

Impressive. You could work in an airport as a cute sniffer dog.

Charming. Thank you.

You're very welcome. Thanks, though, seriously.

My whole life's on there, so you've done me a favour.

Can I get you a drink? I'm OK.

Sure? Yeah.

Alice.

What is it?

I'm waiting for you to move out the way.

For?

OK, two questions. What do you actually want with Alice?

And why are you still stood here?

One answer. Be careful.

I texted you this morning. No reply.

I didn't get a text.

First thing this morning.

Did you delete my text?

Yeah, I did.

In my defence though, it was to avoid this situation with...

That's going way too far.

Please...

Doctor Who, The Pertwee Years. I watched it ages ago.

What? Carnival Of Monsters.

Yeah. And The Curse Of The...

The... The Peladon. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

I mean, it was all right.

It was all right when we was doing the wiring and that.

I mean, it kind of threw me a bit, but...

Stay on track, mate.

Did you ever get to do things like that with your dad?

Yeah, we did things, I suppose.

Did you enjoy them?

Yeah, of course. But an hour with Sam won't make a difference.

It's all them hours with your mum, that's what matter.

Yeah, but you lost your dad though, right?

Yeah.

So why are you so against me helping Sam then?

That doesn't even make sense. Yeah, it does.

My dad, he left me with nothing.

I loved him, but that only made it worse.

He used to do all this stuff and used to say it was for me,

but all I ended up with was a dead dad.

Yeah, that's what I'm looking at right now.

But if you help him.

If you go that far, you form a bond.

And you'll have to tell yourself, accept that you love him...

..and then when something goes wrong or it doesn't work,

you're going to be disappointed.

What I'm saying is, don't get too close to him.

Because trust me, mate, it's going to hurt like you can never imagine.

I used to love this programme.

Hey!

Are we going to be all right, Sam?

We will if you stop asking questions like those.

I can't just pretend it's not happening.

Anyway, where did this tough guy come from?

You're the guy who runs away. Remember?

I'm also the guy who grew up.

Where you been?

I just had some work to catch up on.

Are you two going to talk?

Listen...

..about earlier. Forget it, man.

You sure? Yeah.

Yeah, it was just sitting there, Saturday morning. You need to change your milkman.

What, do you think I should keep it then? And drink it.

Are you trying to get me drunk, Mr Postman?

THEY CHUCKLE

All right, love?

I don't want it to be over.

Why do you say it's over? Because Bobby wrote me a letter.

Oh. Have you talked to him about it?

There's no point.

Was it out of the blue?

We were together all playtime.

See... Sometimes men panic.

Especially when they really like someone - they don't know how to cope with it.

Really?

Boys and men, they get scared.

They pretend they don't, but they do.

The worst time is when they really, really like someone.

I don't understand that.

Yeah. No-one does, but it happens all the time.

Still hurts, though. I mean, really hurts.

Look, you know, you'll see Bobby tomorrow and he'll probably...

He'll probably be feeling a little bit silly.

And he'll rush over and he'll have another note

and it'll explain that he was just scared because he was about to

give you his heart, but he wanted you to be gentle with it.

Because hearts are important and you don't just give them away,

not unless it's someone really special.

We were watching that. Hey!

Oh, you like this, do you?

What, sitting in front of the TV, like a normal couple.

I mean, don't you know that I can give that to you?

Dexter... Look, you've already made it perfectly clear

that you don't want my help.

And you... You said I'm not allowed to do it anyway.

And nothing's changed there. Do you want to bet? No, Dexter, nothing's changed.

Look, Mum, I've got too close.

I'm your son.

And that's who and what I am.

Dexter, please. Look, stop calling me that.

It's son, ain't it?

Ain't it, Dad?

Look, I'm going to help you.

So don't you go rejecting me, because it's too late for that now.

You can borrow my lucky shirt if you want.

I want to have fun with her, I don't want to blind her.

All right. Which one would you choose? Definitely that one.

This one? OK.

Very funny. Don't blame me when your big date goes belly up.

Well, it's not a big date, it's just we've got the place to ourselves for once. Ooh, way to go, bro!

A4?

A4 what? A4 paper.

Oh. Just there.

The vicar says if I do my report on A4, then he can photocopy it,

and spread his sheets.

What report thing?

It's the parish council committee.

They require a report on my financial progress as to my fund raising.

And a bottle of sweet sherry, please.

Pen.

Black pen.

Just there. Is this alcohol free? It is, yeah.

Ta.

Do you want a drink?

No, I'm fine.

OK.

Cos there's juice.

Or fizzy water?

I'm good. Good.

I don't know why you're being so cagey, it's not like it's your first date, you're a free man now.

OK, can you just back off and let me do my own thing?

Tam, back me up here. Possibly.

He should be more honest with himself. Probably.

Can we just stop the open debate, please? Preferably.

I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying you're going to a lot of effort

just for a "quiet night in". Are you sure that's all it is?

Remember, bro - seize the day, no regrets.

MASOOD SIGHS

Dot, hold on a second. You left your shopping behind.

Oh, mind like a sieve.

Look, I can't do anything now but if you like I can come over tomorrow and help with that report.

Oh, it's fine. It's nothing. I've told you before, if you need help, you have to ask for it.

Tell those church people it's too much.

Oh, no, it's not. It's just a question of adding up what's come in and what's gone out.

I mean, even I can manage something like that. Thank you, Carol.

We could go back to mine and finish what we started? I'm not sure I'm free...

This is guaranteed to impress. If you're a cat on heat.

Whoa, that is nasty, man! Who died?

It was just an idea. It doesn't matter. I should go.

Hey, so you two, you're with me and Pops tonight, right?

I can't, I've got to babysit Kamil.

No, Tam, you're fine. AJ, you're on duty.

Whoa...?

You're the only one not coupled up. We, we are all off out...

See, I like your work, Mr Mas. See, bruv, all sorted, man.

OK, so I'll see you later, then. If you want to.

I'm being stitched up here. No-one said anything about baby-sitting.

Like you said. Seize the day.

Bye. Bye.

Oh! Wow.

You look... That's... I got these for you.

Thank you.

Something smells good. Yeah, it's lamb.

Lovely. Slow-cooked.

Best way.

So the kids all upstairs, are they?

No, they're all out. And Whit's under orders.

Right! So, we are finally alone.

Finally!

Look at us.

Mm, look at us!

We, um, could skip dinner.

We could...

And go for the little naughty surprise I've got planned upstairs...

What naughty surprise is that, then? If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

ALARM BEEPS

Ooh, got to put the potatoes in.

Yeah...good.

Potatoes...

HE SIGHS

It's like he tightens up every time I touch him.

But I thought you two were all sorted?

Yeah, so did I!

After the way he kissed me the other night,

I thought we were going to, like... you know.

It's like he's not even bothered.

I dunno. Maybe he just needs a little bit more time.

It's obvious he really likes you.

Exactly - "likes" me like a friend, likes me.

What, he said that?

He doesn't need to, the way he is with me says it all.

That's fine. We can just be friends. Really, it's fine.

It's better than nothing, isn't it?

Hi, Dot. Hello. Come in, darling.

Ian said Denise was OK to have him but all of a sudden she's busy.

Well, I'm busy too.

Joey's called in sick. I've got two hen parties in there. I'm behind already.

I need to go over there and sort out some cover. I'll only be a couple of hours.

I didn't know who else to ask, Dot, so do you mind? Please? No, of course not.

You're a diamond. I'd be stuffed without you.

Now, he's had nothing to eat but he's fine with something simple, baked beans on toast.

Oh, and no butter. Olive oil spread if you've got it.

And here's his juice.

No sugary drinks or he'll be bouncing off the ceilings all night.

No butter, no sugary drinks.

Now, you be a good boy for Dot. Mummy'll see you later.

Dot, shall I take a spare key, in case I get held up and I'm late?

I can let myself in, save ringing the door bell.

Oh, thanks again, you're a star. See you later.

Let's hang your coat up, shall we?

20 quid. Bruvver, it's never going to happen.

We can't disappoint the ladies, can we?

Tam... You know this is a bad idea. Me and kids, please.

I'm pretty sure Alice wouldn't mind... No, no, no. No way.

This is our night. OK?

OK, well, look, I'm issuing a disclaimer - I am not responsible for anything that happens tonight.

You've just got to feed him and put him to bed.

Feed him? No-one said anything about feeding.

And make sure you take him to the toilet before you put him to bed.

What? And wash your hands afterwards, bruv, after you've wiped him clean and that.

FATS LAUGHS

Come on, bruv.

TOY BEEPS

TOY BEEPS

Garlic olives? You're taking a bit of a risk, aren't you?

If we're both eating them, then nope. Is that right?

Mm! And now for the Minute Mart's finest alcohol-free.

You don't have to not drink because of me.

I know. I'm sure I can do without alcohol for one night.

Enough.

Mm.

Ooh! Cheeky little number.

The wine or me? Let's find out. Come here.

You're right about the garlic.

I didn't want to watch a PG! It's the only film that we could watch.

What are you doing back?

I'm so sorry, I did tell 'em we had to stay out but he kicked off and then he started sulking

because we couldn't afford popcorn. You promised me.

It's disgusting!

I wasn't going to sit around and watch a poxy 3-D kid film, was I?

You've just got the hump cos Cindy wouldn't go with ya. We had a deal!

Sorry, blame sulky face.

Oh, hilarious(!)

You're pathetic, do you know that?

CHILDREN ARGUE IN NEXT ROOM

There she is, my gorgeous girl. Come here. Come here.

Hello.

THEY KISS NOISILY

So drinks, yeah? Vodka coke, please. Good times.

Hi. Hi.

So you didn't get stuck looking after Kamil, then?

Er, no...

Right, we do not leave here until we get them fully sorted.

Sorted?

Sorted.

Ohhhh, sorted!

HE GIGGLES

Here y'are.

I hate cheese on toast.

That's special Welsh cheese, it's what my Auntie Gwen used to give me

when I was a little girl in Wales.

Looks yuk. There's little children starving in Africa. So?

So little boys should be grateful for what they're given.

I hate cheese.

Look, I'm sorry, Dennis,

but I want to see that plate clean before you get down from the table.

Yeah sulking, that's real big of you, Liam, ain't it? Oh, do one.

Are you really this immature? Me?

That is enough! Can you just all sit and watch a DVD or something?

Give me the bleeper. I shotgunned it. Morgan.

Sorry. Doesn't matter.

This was supposed to be our night. I'm fine.

You can go if you want. Why would I want to do that?

Oh, I don't know, maybe the mood has gone.

I'm not going anywhere.

Nan, Tiff's watching Honey Boo Boo again!

Let me just go and get them sorted. And then it'll be just us, I promise.

So what're we doing again?

So the person who blows the last card off the bottle has to drink.

Cherry Zesta? Yes, baby. Zesta Fiesta!

So, it's a drinking game, but I don't drink...so...

Yeah, but it's not all about the drinking, you know,

it depends what cards fall, like a jack and an ace means something different...

It's all like, forfeits and stuff...

Yeah, right, so whatever card lands face up, then that means different stuff.

Like what?

It means...different things. But tell you what, let's play.

It'll be a laugh. OK. Who goes first?

Well, A for Alice...

Oh, yeah? I'll go then. OK.

They're not moving.

Blow harder, darling.

Yeah, but not too hard, all right, you only want to move a couple.

You've got to get under the...

Oh... Oh...

Whoa.... Come on!

King! King!

That means you've got to kiss the person to the left... Right!

Right! To the right! Of course it does. It's just a kiss. No biggie.

What evs. Just a little kiss.

Oooh... So, come on, Pops, baby, your go. Get to blowing.

FATS CACKLES

I'm good at maths. Good.

One five is five. Two fives are ten.

Three fives are 15, four fives are 20, five fives are 25...

Yes, you're very good but I need a bit of quiet.

Six fives are 30, seven fives are 35, eight fives are 40,

nine fives are 45, ten fives are 50... I can do it really fast, too.

Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45!

Look, you are a very clever boy but the vicar is waiting on my calculations.

Mum says I should practise them.

Mum said you weren't allowed to smoke around me.

One six is six, two sixes are 12. Three sixes are 18...

Fish fingers? Yeah. Well, you're lucky you're getting anything.

What you having? Lamb. You're having lamb?

Listen, go in and watch TV, I'll bring it in, just stay there.

What kind of lamb is it? Oi. Get your beak out of it. Don't you dare make a fuss.

I'm really sorry. Oh, don't be.

We always get frozen food. Why can't we have lamb? Because we can't afford it.

Oh, but you can afford it for him?

Excuse me...? All right. All right. OK... Maybe we could eat together.

No, we can't! If it makes things easier. Yeah, but it's our night!

If - if we all eat together, then you all disappear,

you go to your rooms, you text your friends, you update your thingys

and watch iPlayer - then me and your nan, we get some free time.

There's not enough food for all of us. I can help, we can make it enough.

Do we have a deal?

Ah! And you do the washing up

and you make sure everyone knows the score.

I hold you responsible. Right?

Deal.

Right.

Now, let's have a look at this lamb, shall we?

So, I've been through the fridge, we've got leftover daal...

There's some sort of kebab thingy, it's Fat Boy's.

More beer, but oi, that's mine, that's a done deal. What am I doing?!

So, we've got some sort of juice, squash-type thing. How do you take it? Glass? Bottle? Pint? What?

You've got to give me something. This has got to be a two-way thing here.

Yeah. Right, OK. What would Masood do? Funny voice?

Hmm? Hmm? Does Kammy want his din-din now?

No, that's Frank Spencer. OK.

You know what? We can do this.

It's just a boy's night in.

It's just - yeah, I'd like to order a takeaway, please.

That's it, girl!

This is foul.

Well, you shouldn't blow so hard, baby!

All right! It's all about the lips, OK? It's about control.

So, Tam, you ready to blow, bro?

All about control. Control.

It's Mr Tam, stepping up to blow...

You going to be quiet and let me do this?

He's going on like the big bad wolf, as he huffs and he puffs.

And he huffs and he puffs. He huffs and he puffs...

Not by the hairs on his chinny chin chin. There isn't any hair on my...

Come on. Just blow. Really? I didn't know that.

Come on, stop being such a wuss. Get on with it!

Come on, Tam, come on...

Oh... Oh..!

Come on, Tam - whole pack!

Epic fail.

That is a big, big forfeit, right?

That is full-on, full-on hug and snog. Oh!

How are we supposed to know what the rules are when you just keep changing them?

You trying to say we're making this up or something?

Oh, I don't know, Fats.

It's fine, we don't have to.

No, no, no. No, no, no! OK, the rules are the rules.

So let's just get it done, shall we?

OK?

OK, we've got 20 seconds and...go.

19, 18, 17, 16...

Come on man, stop with the time wasting... Red card! Come on!

..15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ten,

nine, eight, seven, six... Tam the man!

Easy, baby! Five, four, three, two, one...

Time! Time...?

Or not. Baby, they're having a real good time. Oh, baby!

Right. OK, clear, clear, that is the deal.

Can I have seconds?

Oh, darling, we haven't got any more. His first curry.

Can we have some thank yous for Mas, please?

Thank you. Thanks for sharing your lamb with us.

Well, I'm glad you liked it.

Lamb is my favourite meat. Is it? Yeah, because it's cute and yummy.

OK, right, we want washing up, drying up and everything put away.

Thanks again, Mas.

The living room is out of bounds for the rest of the evening.

Tell you what, I've got a better idea.

Me and Liam'll go and watch a late night film. Not a PG, though.

Well, make sure you put Tiff and Morgan to bed first, OK? Then do whatever you like.

And I don't want to hear another peep out of any of you. OK?

Pudding.

Shotgun drying.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No-one there? No. Probably one of those computer things.

Mm. Could tonight have gone any worse?

Oh, don't worry about it.

They're kids. They cause chaos, be more worrying if they didn't.

Hey, you know, maybe we could pick up where we were before they got back. And where was that exactly?

I don't know... Maybe it was here?

Mmm. Yeah, might have been. It could've been here?

Yeah, could've been... Or here?

Yeah. That was it. Thanks.

For what?

For being you.

You stink of smoke.

And you should learn to be polite.

You're really old.

Why don't you go and watch some television?

How old are you?

I'm as old as my hair and a bit older than my teeth. That's stupid.

Little boys shouldn't be so rude. I'm not a little boy.

Why don't you behave better? Why don't you behave like Jesus?

I don't believe in Jesus... Or God. Oh, that's enough of that.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Don't touch that.

What do you think you're doing?! Look what you've done!

You naughty, naughty boy! What do you think the vicar's going to say?!

Ready? One, two, three.

Ahhh!

You going to have yours?

It's nothing personal, it's not just you, it's all you...little people.

My ex-wife... Your Auntie Aliyah. She wanted one like you.

She really wanted kids.

Then I got scared... I can't even take care of myself,

let alone be responsible for someone else.

Being a dad...

I'd love it.

I really would. I'd mess it up.

HE SIGHS

You know, that's what scares me about being a dad. Getting it wrong.

This is top secret, between me and you... Yeah? You swear?

Give me your little finger.

Hmm?

OK. You can call me Chacha...

Chacha.

If you let me explain, Sharon...

I asked you to look after him, not abuse him.

Look, he deliberately poured my sherry over my papers.

You've been drinking? Oh, only the one.

Did you pour that sherry on purpose, Denny? No.

I'm afraid he ain't telling the truth, Sharon.

So now my son's a liar? He's been playing me up all evening!

Don't ever shout at him again. You keep away from him.

Come on, baby.

Right brother, big night.

Don't wait up for me, OK?

Babe, more than friends. 100%.

Come on my little Poppidi-poppidi-pops, come on, girl.

Squeeze me, squeeze me!

Look, I should actually go as well, cos um,

I've got to go and rescue AJ.

You don't have to.

We could get our own pack of cards, and carry on the game back at mine.

It's, um, been a fun night, but...

What's your problem?

Alice...

No, seriously.

It's fine to kiss me during the game

and then...

We're just going round and round in circles.

If you don't fancy me, can you just have the courage to tell me?

Your surprise is ready.

Oh, really? You think I'm going to be lured up there?

Not bothered.

Oh really...? Come here.

SHE GIGGLES

KNOCK AT DOOR

Unless someone's lost a limb or the house is on fire,

I do not want to know. What are you doing out of bed?

I can't sleep. Well, just go back up and get snuggled in, it's past your bedtime.

You know I'll come and check on you in a bit.

I want Mas to read to me. Mas is a bit busy, darling.

Please. Oh... Five minutes.