Part 1 EastEnders Omnibus

-What's all that?

-I couldn't help but notice your cupboards being a bit bare.

Oh... Well, I could have done that for myself.

Bob-a-job week. I get an extra badge if I help a pensioner.

Jack meant well, you know.

-Is that right?

-Yeah, it's in his DNA to try and fix everything.

It can't be easy for you. Being reminded of him every day. It's no wonder Jack buckled.

I would have probably done the same. Anyway...

Kat...

Kat... Come here.

Come on. Even Houdini couldn't get her out of this one.

-She better not come anywhere near this place, Alfie.

-Oi, oi, oi.

Three more days, Kat, and it'll all be over. OK?

-Julie...

-We're in here.

-I tell you, I'm starved.

-Do you want me to fix you some beans on toast?

-Treats me like a prince, this one.

-We had some good times, didn't we, Bill?

-What're you after, Janine?

I'm not after anything!

-Maybe a few quid to tide me over, get some clothes.

-Sorry...

-PHONE RINGS

I haven't got any clothes since that sleazy landlord chucked 'em out.

-You don't have to worry about new clothes.

-Do you mind? We were having a private conversation.

-Who were you on the phone to, hon?

-Er, just someone I used to knock about with.

Listen, I'll have to forget about that food. I've got to pop out.

-So, like, 30 quid. That'll cover it.

-I was just telling Janine,

-she doesn't have to shell out on new clothes.

-See? Diamond, ain't she?

-(That's not the word I'd use.)

Here we go. Knew I had it somewhere. This used to be all the rage.

-Here you go.

-THAT is a crime on fashion.

Oh, my...

-Did somebody die in this?

-Oh, look, a quick squirt and it'll be right as rain.

Hiya. Look what I made for you in Textiles. I've got a matching one.

Put it in your bag for later, yeah?

You'll never believe what Mrs Haywood did today.

-I'm trying to train here, Abi.

-She threatened us with detention.

Can you believe that? I wouldn't mind, but we're s'posed to be going Thorpe Park.

THEY SNIGGER

How about we meet for a drink after I've finished training?

-All right, I'll meet you at the caff.

-No, I was going to go to the Vic for a pint, you know.

We're not old enough.

It's Phil's boozer, we can do what we want. I'll text you

when I've finished and whipped these boys into shape, eh?

It's a bit late for a spring clean, ain't it?

Hadn't realised how much there was to sort out.

Yeah, what for?

Before my court case on Thursday. Silly things like Direct Debits.

Do you keep paying for your mobile phone if you go to prison?

Will you stop talking like that?

Jack, you can't blame me for wanting to get organised...

-You're talking like it's a foregone conclusion.

-Isn't it?

-No. Catherine don't think so.

-Not all stories get a happy ending.

We can try though, can't we?

So you never said how he was.

Tommy.

I didn't want to upset you.

So how was he?

-HE SIGHS

-He's teething.

You know what that's like.

I just wanted to hold him one last time, Ron.

-See, there it is. Right there.

-What?

It's that look.

The pain. I see it in your face every time I look at you.

Then you look harder.

Cos this...

This is nothing to the thought of losing you.

I love you, Ron. That's why I'm going to make sure you walk out that court the way you went in.

WOLF WHISTLE

-It ain't that bad, Janine.

-I feel like I should be walking along with a carer.

I've got it in green if you want it!

I couldn't take another shock to the system. How do you do it?

Day in, day out. You know, cleaning muck from the gents' and out-of-date pies in the Minute Mart?

This isn't a bad life, compared to some I've known.

-And you know what I've never been short of, Janine?

-Nits?

-No, friends.

In my grubby little world, we look out for each other. My Billy, he really respects me.

-So what if we're not Brad and Angelina?

-You can say that again.

One thing I know is that Billy would never hurt me. Who've you got, Janine?

I almost didn't come.

I had myself convinced... you'd have a lynch mob.

You know what these vigilantes are like.

Suppose you heard about that ridiculous trial?

You dedicate your whole life to the welfare of kids and that's the thanks you get, eh?

Still. Justice prevailed, didn't it?

So, Billy Mitchell.

There's a sight for sore eyes.

So what'd you bring me out here for? Something tells me it wasn't for a trip down memory lane.

-I can't do this.

-You drag me all the way out here just to flounce off like some little girl?

I need you to do something...

I need your help.

There we go. Someone's been tucking into their carbs, haven't they?

-I don't eat carbs! Look at your bingo wings.

-I haven't got bingo wings.

-Right, let's have a look at you.

-What do you think?

-You look a knockout.

-Thank you.

-But what d'you think it says to a judge?

We're going for sophisticated, but not too frumpy.

Less of the frumpy, thank you.

-Is this down to you?

-What d'you mean?

-It's not a joke, Rox.

-Well, I don't think it is a joke, Jack.

There's you two, picking out dresses like you're going to the races.

-Oi, oi. I'm just trying to do my bit.

-Yeah, well can you try and find some of the fighting spirit?

Cos I ain't having much luck.

Listen, why don't...

Why don't you and Michael come with us to Fargo's?

No, I don't think that's such a good idea, actually.

Why? Is everything all right?

I dunno, Ron. You tell me. You see more of him than I do.

Sorry.

Sorry, Ron, I just...

He's been acting so weird lately.

-Something's not right between us.

-Listen to me, darling, you're absolutely perfect together.

-Really?

-Yes. Everybody says so.

Rox, listen, I was going to give this to Jack, but,

I don't know, I just think it'll upset him.

What is it?

It's a list of things that I want you to do for me, in case I'm not here.

OK, so I'd like you to put fresh flowers on James's grave.

-Every week if you can. And promise me you'll visit Aunt Sal at least once a month.

-Ron...

No, listen. She's not getting any younger and with Auntie Peggy

-not here, she needs someone just to entertain her.

-Stop it!

-Come on, Roxy, not you as well.

-Why are you talking like this?

-I'm just...trying to be practical.

Jack's right, isn't he? Where has your fighting spirit gone?

D'you know what? Just forget it.

Ron... Ron, you're supposed to be the strong one, remember?

You know, I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even my fault.

I got off the train like I always do and there was this old man walking right in front of me.

It would've been rude to overtake him, wouldn't it? Imagine if that'd been my Gramps.

It couldn't have been my Gramps, cos he's been dead four years.

Clipped on the head by the 188.

I said I'd make up the time at lunch, but he said not to bother...

said we could sort it out right there and then in the store cupboard.

I said, "I'm not that kind of girl" and now here I am...

sat on a bench in Walford...

unemployed with a chipped nail and a splitting headache.

-Sorry?

-Have you ever thought about modelling?

Tyra would go mad for those cheek bones.

-I just got your message.

-You got my message, then.

-Come here.

-This is sexual discrimination.

-I tell you what this is. It's sexual discrimination, Pops.

-It's not like I could overtake him?

-Imagine if it'd been your Gramps.

-BOTH: God rest his soul.

-You're ever such a good listener.

-She doesn't mean to bother you.

She's beautiful, though. Classical. Like Molly from The Saturdays.

Julie Perkins, eh? I often wondered what happened to her.

Bit of a troublemaker, as I recall.

No wonder she got herself knocked up.

You going to help me find my boy, or not?

Do you know the trouble I could get into? Giving you classified information...

-I got my reputation to consider.

-You think it was easy for me to call you up?

-Knowing what you did to Julie and her mates.

-That was blown out of all proportion.

-I ought to knock you into the middle of next week.

-You wouldn't hit an old man, would ya?

I'm going to give you ten seconds to get out of here.

-Ten, nine...

-Now hang on, Mitchell, don't get your knickers in a twist. I never said I wouldn't help you.

Got boxes piled up to the ceiling... old records.

-You might be able to find out where he lives?

-Well, if I can't, I know a man who can.

-What's the catch?

-There ain't no catch.

Always liked you, Mitchell.

You got my number.

If you find anything out, you call me.

Hang about. Just a minute...

I'm a pensioner, don't forget.

No, I don't want your money!

-Well, what do you want?

-Pie and a pint'd be nice.

Can't remember the last time I had a bit of home-cooked grub. Ain't you got a local boozer round here?

You have told Perkins you're meeting me, haven't you?

Yeah, course I have.

Right then, what're we waiting for?

Why won't anybody listen to me?

I mean, it's like I'm opening my mouth, but nothing's coming out.

-This is Jack, yeah?

-No. Roxy's just as bad.

-Why can't they understand that I've got to do things my way?

-Course you do.

Look, it's difficult enough for me to function at the best of times. Why're they making it even harder?

-There you go, mate.

-I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

-Don't be so dramatic, darling.

-I saw her this morning looking up at this place like some basket case.

-No, listen...

-Girls, what can I get you?

-A white wine spritzer

-and something strong for Poppy.

-Right.

-What if she tries to take Tommy again?

-You heard the police. She can't come near us.

-Is this Ronnie Branning

-you're talking about?

-Er... Yeah. It's nothing to worry about, girls.

It's only me and Poppy were talking to her before.

-I got a vibe.

-Poppy got a vibe.

-I'm a bit psychic, see.

-It was Poppy who said Blue were going to re-form.

-Jodie said I must have be mistaken,

-what with them pursuing solo careers.

-And it came to her, eating a bowl of soup.

-Cream of tomato.

-Can you get to the point please, girls?

-I'm no psychiatric, but even I could see something was wrong.

What did I tell you?

Excuse me, ladies. Kat, will you stop getting yourself worked up about it?

You heard what them two said.

Listen, don't listen to Dumb and Dumber, OK.

Listen to me, we're a family, right.

Nothing will get in the way of that. Where're you going?

-I want to be with my Tommy.

-Kat...

-What can I get you?

-I'll have a pint, please,

and a bottle of the blue stuff for Abi.

Bitter or lager?

Lager.

Pale or dark?

Somewhere in the middle.

Why don't you take a seat? I'll bring 'em over.

I'm going to turn into one of the girls off of Jeremy Kyle.

You'll find another job, Pops.

I'm going to wake up in the morning with my hair in a side pony

wearing a pair of tracksuit bottoms.

-You know what need to do?

-Tell me what I need to do, Jodes.

You need to take him to a tribunal.

Just like Legally Blonde.

'Cept you're brunette.

Couple of drinks for the gentleman.

Are you taking the Mick?

We're out of milk so you'll have to make do with squash.

-I thought you said we'd get served.

-You leave this to me, Abi.

You don't know my name, do you?

Mitchell.

So just give us our drinks and I'll say no more about it.

I could crush up some baby food, but you'll have to give me a minute.

Come on, Abi. I tell you what, you're going to regret the day that you mugged me off in front of my bird.

I'm sorry.

The last thing you probably need is me crying on your shoulder.

-Cheers.

-I like talking to you.

Sometimes it feels like...

Tell me.

Well, sometimes it feels like you're the only person who really understands me.

I really don't know what I'd have done without you.

Well, it's not one-sided, though.

I do enjoy your company.

-I was so wrong about you.

-Were you?

You're just a lot more... sensitive than I gave you credit for.

-You're not just that cocky little boy around town.

-Thanks, thanks.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Roxy's really lucky to have you.

No, she isn't.

-Why would you say that?

-Cos I'm no good for her.

You don't know what it's like. Living inside my head.

What do you mean?

Michael.

Michael, what's wrong?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie...

You can't pretend you don't feel it. I've seen the way you look at me.

You are my friend. You are my friend. At least I thought you were.

No, no, no, no. Just admit it to yourself. It's me you want.

Why would I want you? Why would I want you? I've got Jack!

No, because you said it yourself. No-one understands you like I do.

-Get away from me.

-Me and you. Me and you. We're the same.

-This was all... Listen to me...

-We're the same.

We are not the same, Michael!

-This whole thing. None of this has been real, has it?

-Let's just go back inside.

No, you have had a plan from the beginning.

You have been convincing me that you're my friend.

And you have been dripping poison in my ear.

You have even been trying to undermine Jack.

He don't need my help.

You say what you want about me, but you stay away from Jack.

It's a sham. It's not a marriage.

It's two people clinging onto the rocks.

Come away with me.

-What?

-Yeah. Yeah, come away with me.

-Four hours from now, we could be anywhere.

-You're insane.

The whole time... The whole time I was there thinking I needed help.

Listen, I sat up all night writing this for the judge.

"To whom it may concern. I know Ronnie Branning better than anyone.

-"Not only is she a caring, loving friend..."

-Stop it!

-"..but she is a beautiful human being."

-Don't push me away. Not after we've come this far.

-You disgust me, Michael.

The idea of getting close to somebody

as deceitful as you makes me sick to my stomach.

You are just like my father!

And what about you?

What's your story, eh?

The ice queen,

the tragic heroine.

How many dead babies is that now?

I'm losing count.

You should be thankful that I'm even bothered about you.

Cos you're damaged goods, girl.

Come on, Veronica...

Don't you ever call me that.

Face facts. Just face facts.

You can't even walk down Bridge Street without people pushing their prams away. Whose baby is it next?

You stay away from me, Michael.

You stay away from me and from my family.

Cos if you don't, I will kill you.

I will kill you because, let's face it, I have nothing left to lose.

I ain't doing no more washes this afternoon.

Oh, hello, Ronnie.

I'm covering Heather's shift. She come hobbling in here at lunchtime.

She crippled herself, wearing a pair of cheap high heels.

She was carrying her slippers in her hand.

I said, "You ain't wearing them in my launderette, lowering the tone."

So I've sent her off home

to soak her feet in a bucket of cold water...

I can see you ain't interested in Heather's feet.

Sometimes I wonder, Dot.

I wonder what would have happened if me and Roxy

had never got that invitation to go to Phil's wedding.

Would we still be in Ibiza?

-Would I be happy?

-How could you be?

You wouldn't have met Jack.

I mean, we can all daydream, Ronnie.

You know, wish our lives had been different.

I've got a sister - Rose.

I used to look at you and Roxy

and wish we could have been as close.

I don't know who to trust.

Well, you trust the man who's waiting at home for you.

The man who'd fight for you with every breath of his body.

Jack is a good man. He'll be waiting for you.

You can start afresh.

But what if he won't let me go?

Well, he ain't really got a choice, has he?

It's not his decision, it's the court's.

You see, what you've got to do, Ronnie,

you've got to show that you're truly, truly sorry.

And you've got to ask Jesus for forgiveness.

And then what happens?

Then you find peace.

I know I had it this morning cos I took it out to buy a new dress. Curved neck.

-Three-quarter-length sleeves?

-Navy.

-That'll really bring out your eyes.

Don't look now...

You know I'm not one to cast assertions, but she used to wear a tag on her ankle.

You think she's got my purse?

If anyone could do with a full-lip maximiser, it's her.

Can I help you? It's only you keep staring at me.

-Right, we don't want any trouble.

-You can keep the lip gloss.

It's just the photo of her Gramps.

-There aren't many photos of him smiling.

-He didn't have a lot to smile about.

So how about we slip the photo and you keep the purse?

-You think I stole your purse?

-It's just, I thought...

It's just that what?

Her hair might not look like it's seen a brush since the '80s

and she might not be the biggest fan of personal hygiene.

But that doesn't make her a thief, does it?

We didn't mean anything by it.

Well, go on then. Haven't you got some sort of a MENSA meeting to attend to, or something?

-You didn't have to do that.

-Yeah, well, you said it yourself.

You and Billy are all I've got now.

You have to look after your own, don't you?

It's nice to have a bit of company once in a while.

It's amazing how quickly people forget about you

when you get to my age.

How about I get you a doggy bag for the rest of that pie, eh?

So, you been with Perkins for long?

I should be getting back to work.

Must have come as a surprise.

-Finding out you had a boy.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, you could say that.

-Best thing she could have done. Giving it up.

-Let me help you clear that, eh?

-I mean, it's not as though she had a lot to offer anybody, is it?

Oh, excuse me. I've got to go...

Prostate ain't what it used to be.

There you are. I've been looking for you for ages.

No, not now, Julie, I've got...

to do a bit of business for Phil.

-It's not dodgy is it?

-No. Look, I'll tell you about it tonight, yeah?

-You're so up to something, Billy.

-No, no, I'm not, but Phil's waiting.

That, er, gentleman - friend of yours?

Not exactly, no.

We'll have to do this again sometime.

-You just call me, all right?

-Soon as I find anything.

It's, er...

It's not easy getting on the bus with this knee, you know.

30 quid should just about cover the cab fare.

-That's all I've got.

-Much obliged.

You mess me about...

and I'll come looking for you. Do you understand?

Are you avoiding me?

-No.

-No?

No, no, no. I've just been busy...

that's all.

Look, I'm sure I'm probably just being paranoid.

It's just that you and...

You and Ronnie, you've got this special connection.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Ronnie's not a patch on you. She don't even come close.

-I'm a silly cow, right?

-Hm.

-Yeah.

-All right?

-Yeah, I managed to pick this up from the charity shop.

It suits you. Do you want to split a bit of kebab?

I might get an early night, actually.

Whoa, ain't this where you're supposed to be clawing each other's eyes out?

Yeah. We had a little breakthrough. So, how about

I slip on this gorgeous shell suit and get down to a little bit of

happy house.

Janine!

Come on, lads. Time's up.

Haven't you got wives to get home to? Goodnight.

-Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

-Cheers, mate.

Thanks, darling, goodnight.

Is your mum not here yet?

She's not here yet.

I've been thinking about your tribunal.

I don't want to see your face splashed across all the papers.

I hadn't thought of that.

So, how about you come and work with me at the salon?

Tanya's been talking about getting some extra help on reception.

Me and you?

It'll be like a dream come true.

-I don't know what to say, Jodes.

-You don't know what to say, do you?

BOTH SCREAM

Of course, I can't work Wednesdays.

Oh, Tanya will understand.

Who else is going to see to your nan's corns, eh?

HE SIGHS

This is all I could find. My dad's drunk everything else.

Well, I promised you a drink in the Vic, didn't I?

Shouldn't we be wearing gloves or something?

I've seen CSI, Jay. They check for prints.

-What can I get you?

-Oh, just an orange juice.

With vodka, of course.

We, um... We could just say that they left the door open

and we came in to investigate.

Just stop panicking, all right? No-one's going to hear us.

GLASSES SMASH

Nice one, Abi.

Come on.

Oi! Oi!

The door's unlocked.

Don't look at him like that. I locked it myself.

-Admit it - sometimes you get a bit forgetful.

-I'll give you a backhander in a minute.

-All right, calm down, all right?

-I saw the lights on.

-Yeah, we've had a break-in.

-Alfie, check the till.

I wouldn't bother. It's not your money they were after.

-You know who done this?

-I don't want to get involved.

You better start talking.

It's probably something... It's probably nothing.

I just saw Ronnie Branning running through the Square.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ron. It's the police - they want to talk to you.

Come on, this is harassment!

Nothing was even nicked?

It's routine. We have to follow up every complaint we receive.

Hold on a second, so you're saying that somebody said that they actually saw me running out of the Vic?

D'you know what? Write this down, please, I want to make a complaint.

-Roxy.

-No, it's her.

-Oi, listen, Ronnie was with me, here, all night.

And that's all we need to know.

Wait a minute, please. I want Kat Moon - that's her up there - I want her questioning. OK?

And I want you to ask her, when - and I want a answer -

-when is my sister going to have suffered enough?!

-Rox, Roxy...

Can I have a word?

Mo, can you hurry up! You've got the advantage, ain't you, Tommy?

You do a pee in your pyjamas, it's just you being a baby.

It's all right, shh-shh. I do it, your mum'll end up leaving me.

They're walking away! Alfie!

Oh, Tyler, get out the way! The police, they're driving away.

-Yeah, well, I thought they would.

-Will you stop being so reasonable?

-I'm not being reasonable.

-Ten minutes and you're sitting back on the fence again.

We are prisoners in our own home. Aren't you bothered?

-You're the one that got Tyler sleeping outside the door.

-Yeah, can I go now?

-Shut up.

-She tried to break in here. She actually tried to break in.

-Listen, I'm not sure it was her.

Yeah, it was, I know. God knows what she's got planned next.

She's not got a plan, she's in court tomorrow. I can't talk about it on a full bladder.

-Yeah, go on, you go. Don't you worry.

-Tyler!

She wouldn't, would she?

I don't even want to speak to...

Kat. No, Kat, I mean. She's not that clever.

Opportunistic, seeing her chance, setting you up.

Deliberately screwing you over - she wouldn't do that.

You wouldn't.

She must REALLY have it in for you.

Jay, will you give me a call back?

-Abs, what you talking about?

-Ssh.

-No, what do you mean?

-What I said.

Oh, don't be so stupid.

Abs! Don't be so stupid.

Morning, Harry, how do?

Is someone here?

Who's hiding here?

Can you guess?

-Just be logical, will you?

-I am. Michael saw her.

Oh, fine. You going to go marching over and sort this out? How exactly, eh?

Do you honestly think she would break into the pub?

-Why, cos she's running low on vodka?

-You're calling Michael a liar?

-No, I'm not calling him a liar.

-I'm saying we spoke to the Old Bill, it's been sorted. Don't overreact.

-Overreact? Overreact?!

Yes, darling. Cos you'll turn it into a song and dance, a big drama.

Oh, I am so sorry. You tell me Alfie, right,

how am I supposed to react when my child's kidnapper is across the Square like a praying mantis?

Walking through our front door...

-Kat, listen! Ronnie's going to get banged up. What else do you want to do?

-You haven't got a clue!

Oh, well done. Alfie hasn't got a clue, right?

-Alfie has no feelings. You going to remind me that Alfie's not really Tommy's father?

-Here we go.

-You know, this "twisted revenge freak" ain't a good look on you, sweetheart.

-Yeah?

Well, maybe if I'd married a real man, I wouldn't be doing it myself.

Oh, dear.

I think he needs a cuddle.

He's all upset now, isn't he?

Do you think he needs a little cuddle?

No, Jean, I think he needs to grow a pair.

Ronnie, don't be long.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I was thinking, if you and Amy could give us ten minutes after the picnic.

It's beautiful.

You know, go and get an ice cream, whatever.

-Oi, you do know that she's never going to take this off, don't you?

-Yeah.

Jack...

..she's never going to have to take it off, is she?

Keep the change.

Cheers, mate.

-Ah!

-Ah!

-Is there something I can help you with?

-Pat?

Half Pint?

Oh, um...

Yeah, cos he said there were three of them. Yeah.

Mm, right then, yeah, yeah, yeah, cheers, mate.

WATER RUNS

Come on. How long's it take to buy paper plates?

It was one mistake, Rox.

She is better now. You said so yourself.

But will the judge, you know...

Will the Judge care?

Will they take that into account, Jack?

She knows what she did is wrong. She's never going to do anything like that again and that means something.

I trust her.

-You trust her, don't you?

-Yeah. Yeah, I do. I just...

I don't know how it works, Jack. You're the one who was in the Old Bill.

-Yeah, well...

-You know, expensive lawyers and eternity rings,

they don't change what she did, do they? That's all I'm saying. They don't suddenly change the law,

and make it all right to go around snatching babies.

She's said sorry.

-She's had a nervous breakdown trying to prove that she's sorry.

-I know.

I know, but being sorry...

it's not enough to keep you out of prison, is it? And...

you know, I really don't want to think of Ronnie anywhere else.

The thought of having to say...

Listen, I've only just got her back, all right?

The thing is, you know, a lot of things have happened to me in my life

that I could never have imagined.

But Ronnie, she's so...

I dunno, she's so up in her own head. She's so unpredictable.

-No.

-Jack! Listen to me.

Listen, all right?

Ronnie going down is a possibility, OK, and...

we owe it to her to prepare her for that.

-I don't want to say goodbye either, I really, really don't, but if we have to...

-No!

She needs to go into court tomorrow knowing she's going to come home.

All right? She will come home.

There's a key, ain't there,

to looking fresh and feeling fresh for that early-morning appointment.

There is a key, Jode,

and it is in the bath.

And the milky drink and the lavender oil.

Cos I was out like a baby last night.

Not that all babies sleep very well. George was a right howler.

See, my rules are more don'ts than do's.

Don't have an heavy dinner, don't forget to take your make-up off

and don't stay up to watch the news

cos world events can be quite a bit depressing.

-Have you got the notice?

-I...have had it laminated.

Oh, look at it all laminated!

You know what you want to put on that, don't you?

"Rip off".

-Sorry?

-Well, fake tan. It's about as reliable as my staff.

-You know, I've been sprayed, baked and basted - it's never made a blind bit of difference.

-Really?

-I've come out exactly the same colour as when I went in.

-This wouldn't happen with SexyBod.

SexyBod spray-tanning system is guaranteed to give a sun-kissed look,

-covering stretch marks, thread veins and unsightly bags.

-What was that?

-And it's half price.

And you get a free glass of Cava.

-I think it's better than a holiday - it's only round the corner and I've got a thing about flying.

-Right.

I've got 20 minutes to get sun-kissed,

before the bread order arrives. Watch the shop.

-You've got your first sale!

-I've got my first sale!

You changed your mind. Why didn't you just say you changed your mind?

Did you or did you not, Michael, tell Kat that you saw me running away from the Vic? Yes, or no?

-What... What do you want? What are you doing?

-Grateful, do you remember?

-You told me I was supposed to be grateful?

-I do, yeah.

-Is that why you're setting me up?

-Is that why you're playing these games?

-What games?

-Because I wouldn't fall on my back,

-because I wouldn't massage your little ego?

-There is a word for women like you.

Faithful.

The word is "faithful", Michael.

And did you really think that I would just let that go?

I know men like you. I've lived with them my whole life.

Evil, twisted, manipulative.

Did you think that I could go to prison knowing my husband is in business with a man like you?

-You may not have any choice.

-That I would let Roxy spend her life with a man who's willing

-to cheat on her with her own sister? You call yourself clever?

-That's a double standard, isn't it,

because who is Amy's dad? Remind me again?

Michael, Roxy LOVES you!

Roxy...is a fool.

I want you to tell Roxy everything that you've done.

I want you to tell her that you came on to me.

I am trying to give you a chance to do the right thing, Michael.

You show Roxy who you are...

and you let her decide.

No.

OK, then.

Tell her, then!

Tell her what you like.

See, really, you should exfoliate first, though.

You do regularly exfoliate?

Every day.

And there's a skin test.

And there's a little questionnaire. Cos that is actually obligatory.

OK. So, do you have, or have you ever had, any allergies or bad reactions?

If so, to what? Please list.

Time wasters.

-Sorry?

-I have a very bad reaction to people that waste my time.

OK.

There isn't... I can't actually tick a box for that.

SPRAYING

Come on, then. Come on, then. Mind your legs, please. Thank you.

I think the box probably goes there.

But I don't really know, cos I don't really work here.

I'm just minding the shop.

Thank you.

You're welcome. You can mind my shop any time.

Well, when I get one.

Well, that is a lovely offer, but I don't normally do shop work, I run the beauty salon down the road.

Well, not exactly run it - I'm more semi-assistant manager, really.

Well, I'll have to pop in, let you have a go on my bodywork.

Yeah, you should. Cos we do do men.

You don't to make need an appointment. Just pop in

and I will do my best to do something about those eyebrows.

If they treat you blonde, play it blonde.

Oh, there you are. Will you get a grip, Abs?

I have. There is nothing you can say, Jay, I am going to the police

and I'm telling them that WE broke into the Vic.

-Why? Cos you see a couple of coppers round Ronnie's gaff?

-No, because I feel guilty.

OK. So you got to do what works.

But don't expect me to back you up, all right?

I am a liar. I'm...

a coward.

A game player.

And you don't have to, um...

tell Roxy about that cos she knows already.

She's got me sussed deep down.

I am not...

a very nice person.

Obviously.

Have you ever...

cuddled a dead body?

It's very cold.

My mum, she was very cold. It was horrible, really.

You just can't...

You can't do anything. What can you do? You just can't...

Sorry. You just can't do anything.

What COULD I do? What COULD I do?

I am...

I'm a screw-up.

An unreliable...

horrible...

screw-up.

I know, I know, I know. You get it.

I know you get it. And that... That was...

That was the relief.

The relief.

That someone else...gets it.

That...it wasn't just me...

..on my own. That someone else gets it.

And... And if you want to know the reason why I made a pass at you,

then there is your reason. THERE is your answer.

Can't you see?

It's that...

you and me...

..we're the same, Ronnie.

-No.

-Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

# If you wake up and don't want to smile

# If it takes just a little while

# Open your eyes and look at the day

# You'll see things in a different way

# Don't stop thinking about tomorrow

# Don't stop It'll soon be here... #

You grumpy old twonk.

# Yesterday's gone...#

YOU'RE a grumpy old twonk.

No, I'm more of a romantic, sexy, grumpy old twonk.

# Why not think about the times to come

# And not about... #

Fat chance! And I don't care if she's paid for 14 cabs.

And you know that I don't care where Uncle Fester's travelled up from.

-I invited him, Janine!

-SHE SCOFFS

So, you keeping well, then?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ballroom, bowls, rock and roll.

That's just on a Monday.

Yeah. And you?

Frank was always the one with the blue suede shoes, wasn't he?

Frank, yeah.

-But you're looking well.

-Better without the face pack and the...

So, will your latest wife be joining us?

She's with Elvis, Pat.

Oh, no. Not another one.

Bad luck.

Yeah, yeah...

I'm still getting quite a lot of that, yeah.

It's no problem, is it? I'll just go with it, yeah?

-I'm sorry, Uncle Norman.

-Crawling out with a pathetic bunch of flowers to make themselves feel better.

No, it doesn't matter, Ricky. You know, it's... It's absolutely fine

that neither of them bothered with my grandma when she was actually alive.

D'you know, she'd forgotten all about you.

She never, ever talked about you. She never mentioned you, actually.

-And you, she couldn't stand the sight of you!

-Cab'll be here in a minute.

Look, you're not invited!

Do you think your uncle would miss his own mother's funeral because you tell him to?

Lydia had a life that was a lot longer than the ten minutes that you knew her.

So stop having this temper tantrum!

Go and have a little cry instead, you silly girl.

I know you wake up crying

cos you've dreamt he's still dead, ain't you?

And I know in the middle of the night...

..you watch him breathe.

-Cos I've felt you kick me, and I know it's not an accident.

-Ssh.

Kat, I know...

I know genetically I'm not...

But...I've still been through it an' all.

And I get it, Kat, I really do. I know...

that if you think you don't care hard enough or...

..or you don't look after him, that he's...

It's all going to happen again.

But it won't.

It really won't, cos lightning does not strike twice.

And that is my point.

It does, actually.

What about that bloke on that documentary?

What you talking about, that bloke on the documentary? It doesn't.

It really doesn't.

You know, in the eyes of the judge and the hands of the law,

this time tomorrow, all this guff will all be over.

All right?

So you can stop having your paranoid hissy fits,

and acting like a stroppy cow.

Hissy fits? I'm not paranoid.

Hissy...

Come on.

Just for one week, OK?

Just for one week only.

We'll do all the normal things, like go swimming, or even go to the park.

And we'll just be a quiet,

normal,

loving family.

Yeah, right!

THEY CHUCKLE

You called your daughter Amy.

Roxy never told me.

She's pretty.

Memories are no excuse, are they, Michael?

Feeling haunted, feeling hard done by.

That is not a good enough reason to cause more damage.

-Dog eat dog.

-No.

I just don't believe that.

I believe that if you are guilty...

If you are guilty, you've got to take responsibility.

Because I just cannot live without...

Without the truth.

I don't want any more lying. Do you understand that, Michael?

Yeah.

So please, please will you help me?

I beg you.

I have already made Roxy's life hard enough as it is, and listen, tomorrow...

Tomorrow I'm going to go to prison. And you know what? That is absolutely right, whatever Jack says.

But she's my baby sister.

And I've got to protect her. You understand that, don't you?

So you've got to tell her the truth, Michael. Because if you don't, I will.

I can't have that, can I?

-Oh, you're here. Is it going really well?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah...

No.

No, probably not REALLY well, no.

But quite a lot better.

Cos I woke her up and Syed managed to tempt her out

with another bottle of Cava and an all-over body massage so...

Are you sure you want to do this?

Could get nasty.

It's already nasty.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Jack, I just want to apologise about overreacting, really.

-I just hope we can be adults about this.

-There's no reason why not.

-Where's the plates?

-Hey, here he is.

We can't have a picnic without paper plates. I'll have a look upstairs.

-Roxy.

-What?

-There's something Michael would like to tell you.

What's that doing in there?

He could choke on that.

I don't know, it's not mine.

What is it?

It's hers.

-It's Danielle's locket. Jack, it's Danielle's...

-Whoa, what?

-No, no.

-Oh, my God. In his pram.

-Hang on, there's got to be a logical explanation.

I haven't done anything.

Oh, my God. Ronnie, what have you done? How did you get that in his pram?

-I haven't done anything.

-Why did you put that in his pram?

-Are you listening? I haven't done anything!

-Ronnie, it's not a prison sentence you want, it's a straitjacket!

-D'you know what, Alfie? That was him!

-Wait, wait!

-This was him!

You just wait here.

Alfie!

Listen to me. This was him, OK? This was him.

-You just took it out my bag, didn't you?

-Ronnie, stop it!

He took it out of my bag at the gym.

Listen to me. Roxy, listen. I haven't done anything, OK?

-Stop it. Stop it!

-He's planned it. He just warned me!

Roxy!

-You liar.

-Coward. Game player.

Mm, takes one to know one, Veronica, huh?

You thought I was just going to let that one go?

I'm just going to go and check on your sister.

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