27/06/2011 EastEnders

-Just looking in the fridge. I can do you a sausage sandwich or some cheese...

-Wonderful family you have.

-Sorry, I didn't mean to...

-That's my son.

-Your son!

I didn't know you had a son. He looks like trouble.

Sorry, Carol, I'm talking from personal experience.

He's dead.

He died last year.

I'm so sorry.

Tea?

Carol, I didn't want to...

-Is it milk, one sugar?

-You must miss him so much.

Liam...

Liam, wait!

Oi! Watch the cloth, moth.

New whistle, this!

-I don't care what you do with him, just leave me out of it.

-Well, well, that didn't take long, did it?

It's almost like he's had practice.

I'll have a word.

Zainab!

-Have you heard from Tamwar?

-Not yet.

-Don't you think we should talk?

-Talk?

-About what was said - at the Mehndi?

Nothing was said at the Mehndi. Nothing.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Dad again.

He wants to know what time to be at the registry office.

Have you heard from yours?

Or your mum, for that matter?

-Tam?

-Hmm?

-Your parents, have you heard from them?

Er, no. I've been thinking...

Uh-oh.

We don't have to go through with it today if you don't want to.

It's not like we have a choice, is it?

Just because we got married at the mosque doesn't make it legal.

Yeah, I know, that's what I meant.

It's been a bit of a nightmare for everyone,

and I just sort of wonder whether it wouldn't be better

if we just leave it.

-Is that what you want?

-No, I thought it might be what you want.

Of course it isn't.

-I love you.

-I love you.

Besides...you wouldn't want to miss out on our honeymoon now, would you?

Well...

What are we going to do about our parents?

It's simple.

We uninvite them.

Really?

We've come this far on our own, haven't we?

Hmm.

I don't care if you and my gran...you know.

I mean, it would be kind of sick,

but you don't have to keep pretending to hang out with me.

Is that what you think?

Listen, I want to tell you...

I think you're a top bloke,

and I've got a real kick out of being your mate.

I'd hate that to change,

just because I want to get to know your gran too.

Hey, I can't force you to be mates with an old geezer like me, can I?

We could have a kick about after school.

Tomorrow?

Sure.

You've got the knack.

-It's just adults I have a problem with.

-Michael?

Look, I was thinking, if you're at a loose end later,

I could probably fix you something at the caff, you know, make up for lunch.

Thank you.

Oh, not in the doorway.

-Did you hear me?

-Yep.

-How old are you, Shirley?

-I don't really see that's any of your business,

but are you suddenly taking an interest in my health?

Smoke yourself to death for all I care, just don't do it in my doorway.

Interesting choice of words, that - "your doorway". Since when did this place belong to you?

It might as well do, the amount of work I do here. Can you move out, or I'll call the police.

Carol...I'm your new boss.

What?

Yeah, that's right. This place - it belongs to me.

Now, I think we need to have a little word about your attitude problem.

The official term is...

-that it stinks.

-Not your day, is it?

I'll catch you later.

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS

-Hello?

Blimey, you've got enough kit in here for an army.

Oh, I know, just some things I picked up on the way.

What am I going to find next, Aladdin's lamp?

-Are you OK with it? You can chuck it out if you want.

-No, no, course not.

-No, it's good stuff. Besides, we might need extra, when we have visitors.

-When we have visitors?

Yeah, it's nice, innit? Got our own place, show people around...

-Nothing wrong with that, is there?

-No, no.

Oh, here you are.

-What's that for?

-I saved a bit from my Jobseeker's.

I was going to get a few things for in here, but then I thought you need treating.

-What am I going to spend it on, then?

-I don't know, go and see Tanya, get your nails done...

Have one of them facial things.

-The only rule is, you've got to enjoy yourself, agreed?

-Yeah.

So you won't even talk to her?

-After what she's done, why should we?

-He's got a point.

-I thought we agreed I'd handle this.

-OK.

Sorry, Syed, but we've made up our minds. It's just going to be the two of us and the registrar.

-You'll need witnesses.

-We'll get them off the street.

-But I get to choose.

-I get final veto.

-Why?

-Because you'll just think it's funny to pick weirdos.

-So? I like weirdos, that's why I married you.

Guys, this isn't a game! You might think you don't care now, but what if you look back and regret this?

I thought you'd be the last person lecturing us on family togetherness.

-Mum didn't talk to you for over a year, or have you got amnesia?

-And again, he's got a good point.

So what, you're not going to have any family there at all?

It's nothing against YOU, OK?

It's just after everything, the last thing we want is a big fuss.

Refill, Carol!

-Can't you see I've got my hands full?

-How much am I paying you?

-Not enough.

-Yeah, well, it'll be even less if I don't get a coffee within 30 seconds.

And she would not want to see me without my coffee, would she, Philip?

Hang on a minute.

-I'm not happy with that.

-Don't push it, Shirley.

-What are you going to do, quit?

-Don't tempt me.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, there's a load of highly-paid jobs out there, ain't there, for women your age?

Now, that wasn't too hard, was it?

-I've created a monster.

-I'm not giving you any of the credit.

Here, Carol, do you know anything about the bloke painting the sign?

-He reckons the owner got him to do it.

-Come back, Ian, all is forgiven.

-Eh?

-Behind you.

-Hello, Ian.

-I'm calling Jane.

-I wouldn't bother.

-Why?

-Because, this place, it doesn't belong to her now.

It belongs to me.

No, that's what I'm... You what?

-How?

-I bought it.

What, Jane sold the place to you?

-That's what happens when you screw over your wife, Ian.

-No, no, she wouldn't do that to me.

Er... Rainie wants to meet up later.

-Why don't you ask her to come down here?

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, I see...

-What?

-Most men, when they've got a guilty conscience, they buy their other half flowers.

Phil's obviously got more to make up for.

-Michael.

-Edward.

-I just want five minutes.

-No-can-do, all right?

What you saw earlier, I wanted to explain.

-Carol and I...

-No. No, I'm going to stop you there,

because a conversation with Roxy's toddler is more interesting than your bogging love life.

You can't keep ignoring me like this.

We live on the same square, for God's sake.

It's a situation that's working for me.

So I don't know, unless you want to move, what else are we going to do?

What harm would five minutes do?

-Hi.

-Hi.

Do you fancy a coffee?

Well, what did he say?

I'm sorry, Ma... I tried to explain,

but they've decided to go on their own.

Maybe we should do something instead.

You know, go out for a walk, have some lunch. Take your mind off it.

I'm far too busy, Syed.

But, if there's nothing else then...

-It's hard work, isn't it?

-What?

Hating someone.

What are you talking about?

Your dad. Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear.

I don't hate him, he's just a no-mark.

You know, I don't see how this has got anything to do with you, frankly.

Well, because I care about Roxy.

And I suppose I know what it's like to have a difficult relationship with your dad.

-Here we go. Now you wish you had a chance to have some sort of touching reunion with him.

-No. Not at all.

Archie was a malicious man and the world is a better place without him.

Harsh.

But fair.

-I mean, can you really say the same about Eddie?

-Yeah.

-Truthfully?

-What is this - Top Trumps for rubbish dads?

No. Look, I'm not saying that you don't have good reason for not wanting to speak to him.

Then what are you saying?

I think you know.

Come on, Jane, be reasonable.

It's Phil Mitchell!

Well, he's gone and given the place to Shirley, hasn't he!

That woman wouldn't know food hygiene if it jumped up and smacked her in the mouth!

Well, tear it up.

Look, I tell you what, I'll give you more money for it, OK?

Listen, I'll run it for you...

Jane? Hello?

-What?

-Nothing.

What, you think I'm a mug?

£2.80.

-Family business?

-What?

-I eat for free now. Tell her, Shirl...

-Nice try, sunshine.

No, look, just let him have it. Just this once, eh?

-Well, I ain't.

-I never said you were.

This place is like an insurance policy. Phil steps out of line, I've got this.

So you're going to wait and see how it goes out between them?

You've got something cooked up, have you?

-What, you're going to spike her drink?

-Keep your voice down.

I've got to play this one really carefully.

Are you all right? Do you want something?

No.

No, you can't paint it black!

And I'm going to put a stuffed animal head up there

-and maybe a couple of skulls hanging from the ceiling.

-Oh, very funny(!)

-I'm going to change the menu, get rid of that tuna cheese thingy...

-The tuna melt?! That's a classic.

And I'll be changing the name...

Phil @ Shirl's. Yeah, that's got a kind of ring to it.

You can't just erase the history of a place like this... It runs in people's veins.

Ask anyone round here what this place means to them...

Carol, sum this place up in one word.

-Grease.

-No!

Look it's my mum, all right? Kathy. That's who people remember here.

Not for much longer.

Shirley, look, you haven't got the first idea about running an eating establishment.

I'm telling you, it's going to be like watching a horror film and I've got a front-row seat.

I'll be there to listen out for the screams.

So, I'm off to the Arches - is it all right if she sits there for a bit?

Yeah, it's fine.

Sandwich wouldn't go amiss. Maybe cheese and pickle?

Phil said it'd be on the house.

And would you like a drink with that?

Orange juice, ta.

It's going well then, this place?

What's this kid like - any good?

He's all right.

That's where the money is.

Train 'em up from youngsters and hope that they turn pro.

That's really enlightening. Thanks, Dad(!)

Well, I don't mean to patronise.

You've always had a good brain on you. And it's obviously in your blood.

You've seen the photos of me in the ring.

Yeah, yeah, you could call this place an homage(!)

You done well for yourself.

Spotted a gap, got right in there... It's brave.

Bet it's popular too.

Ex-copper like your mate Jack running the shop.

You more the money man, I'm guessing?

Yeah. You looking for a retirement fund?

Nah, just wanted to see what you were up to.

I'm proud of you.

I know I have no right to be, but there it is...

I am.

That's beautiful(!)

It's beautiful stuff, really moving.

But when you're done sucking up, I need to get on.

Fair enough.

But one day,

you'll know how this feels.

-What's that?

-Tommy.

Got your own ticking mini-me right there.

You think you hate ME?

That's nothing compared with how that boy's going to feel about you,

the way you treat him.

You've got one massive grudge coming your way.

You'd do well to mind your own business.

Michael, you're not that young any more.

-I was younger than you when your mother passed.

-Passed!

PASSED!

HOW DARE YOU!

She didn't pass...

What kind of word is that for it?

You killed her. YOU killed her, with your neglect and your wandering eye.

You are the reason,

you are the reason why she couldn't take it no more.

-Maybe.

-Maybe?

Don't insult me, there ain't no maybe about it.

And don't pretend you've changed.

Coming round here like some reformed character just cos you've got a bit of grey in your hair,

because I see through you.

You're so full of anger.

I get that,

I used to feel the same way.

Pent up, trapped,

not knowing which way to turn.

Always one foot out the door.

The difference is, I choose not to get pinned down, all right?

I don't pretend I'm any different.

But you have a girlfriend.

You may want to ignore him, but you also have a son.

Shut up! I'm nothing like you!

Look...

I pity you, Michael.

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah. I remember when I was your age...

It wasn't a happy time.

Look, I understand why you resent me.

Don't you think I haven't felt the same way?

But I want to make it up to you.

-There's still time.

-No.

No, there isn't. There isn't.

Just pretend I never existed.

I wish I could, but I can't.

Well, you've done all right till now, ain't you?

You didn't even know I was here till you come knocking.

True.

But why do you think I've stuck around?

I want to get to know you, Michael,

more than anything.

What about the other lot?

They hate you as well, don't they?

-No, they're fine.

-Yeah?

If you want, I'll tell you about them.

At least give me a chance.

Meet me at the caff at five. Cup of tea.

You can spend the time drinking it, slagging me off, or I don't know...

Maybe we can have a conversation.

Move things on.

The ball's in your court.

HE SIGHS

You look tired, Dad.

Yeah, it's the beds - too soft.

So what time does it kick off?

Yeah, about that...

Me and Afia, we...

Yeah, you don't want your dad there showing you up - that it?

No, it's not you, we just...

It's all got so messy

and we just thought best thing would be if we do it on our own.

It's fine.

You're not mad?

Although if I were you I'd check your flies before you go in. Ah!

OK.

-You want to stop your father from seeing you get married?

-But you were all for moving.

-But I'm still here!

-I stayed to support you.

-I'm not saying we don't want you to be in our lives.

Then why does it feel like a slap in the face?

-Are you trying to punish me?

-Just for today,

try and understand.

What would your mother say?

Don't, Dad, don't...

She'd be devastated to think that her only daughter

was getting married in an empty room.

If she was here

I wouldn't have to, would I?

What're you doing?

-Nothing.

-Did you not go to the salon?

-Yeah I did, but it was fully booked.

-Right.

You're upset, what's happened?

-It doesn't matter.

-It matters to me. Has someone said something?

-What?

Who was it? Tanya?

No, not really her fault, is it?

-Billy, look at me. I probably scared half her customers away.

-Is that what she said?

-Not in so many words no, but...

-Cheeky cow. She's got some front, ain't she?

It's OK, it doesn't matter.

It matters to me!

Do you want a cup of tea or something? You know, forget about it.

Ta.

I don't know how you do it?

What?

Go tee-total.

I ain't exactly cracked it, have I?

No, I mean...

I know how you feel.

You know, that need. It's like an ache, innit?

After a long, suffering day...

Or sometimes not even after, sometimes during,

all you want is to just swallow a bit of vodka and...

..you know, feel your chest open up.

Get that hazy feeling, take the edge off things, that buzz.

It makes you feel like you can do anything, don't it?

-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

-No, it's just...

-better not to talk about it.

-I thought that's what these groups were for?

You did say orange juice, didn't you? Only...

you've not touched it.

Phil's right.

-About what?

-Soft drinks.

You don't choose 'em cos you want 'em...

You choose 'em cos it makes other people feel better.

That what Phil says?

Yeah. It's a meeting thing.

So, Phil, does he do the, "I'm Phil Mitchell, I'm an alcoholic"?

We all do.

Phil?

I mean, he doesn't, like, pour his heart and soul out and stuff,

but yeah, he's getting into it.

He talks?

Sometimes.

Sometimes it's just about being there...

You know, being in a room where everyone understands what it's like when you can't stop.

You know, it's like a weird bond.

You don't have to put it into words.

-I'm really sorry.

-Watch it!

I'll get you another one.

Well, I'm going to make sure you always get her, you know,

cos she has a bikini wax...

-Oi. Oi, what makes you think you're so special, eh?

-Sorry?

Just because she hasn't got the clothes and the la-di-da attitude,

-what gives you the right to look down on her?

-Billy...

Our money is as good as anyone else's, all right?

Discrimination, that's what this is.

You wouldn't have turned her away cos of the colour of her skin, but it makes no difference...

-Billy, just let me...

-Chav, that's what you thinking, innit? I'm not standing for it, Tan.

Billy! Will you shut up!

-Look, Julie never even came in to the salon.

-What?

-She said...

-Yeah, well she's lying, ain't she?

And since your money's as good as anyone else's you can buy our drinks.

We'll have two white wines please, Tracey. Apology accepted.

-OK?

-Yep.

Let me get the door for you.

There you are. I thought it was going to go cold.

Why did you say Tanya turned you away?

Are you hiding something from me, Julie? Cos I don't like being lied to.

And this from the man who's ashamed to be seen with me.

-Sorry, what?

-Look, I'm sorry OK,

but I don't do all that girly thing - the hair and the make-up. It's just not me.

If you don't think I'm good enough for you, then I'll just pack my bags and I'll go right now, shall I?

You soppy mare.

Is that what you think?

Course you're good enough, Julie! I just wanted to treat you, that was all.

Yeah, well, I'm just not very good with all that silliness.

-Well, good.

-Is it good?

Yeah, it is good.

It's a waste of money, innit?

Give me a fish and chip supper any day of the week.

-Where's Phil's shadow?

-In the bog.

Listen, have you done it yet?

Right, three words - food hygiene certificate.

Two words - my gaff.

So what time do you want me tomorrow?

What for?

-My first shift.

-You what?

-Are you working here?

-That's right.

-This gets better and better. It'll be a crack den by next week.

-Eight o'clock.

-You're not serious?

This is going to be fun.

-Thought you wanted to get rid?

-I've changed my mind.

-Why?

Because I am one clever cookie.

Are you OK?

-Please. Please, stop asking me that.

-OK. I'm OK.

-Sorry, didn't have time to get a hat.

-What're you doing here?

Say if you want us to leave, but... I don't like the look of those two weirdos.

-Nah, you'll definitely do.

-Is that meant to be a dig?

You'll have to get used to her sense of humour now she's your sister-in-law.

Uh-oh, I'm in trouble.

Looks like you could do with one?

Thanks.

Don't worry, it won't last. She'll get bored.

I never knew she hated me so much.

She hates everyone.

I meant Jane.

This ain't just any old motor, darlin'.

This beautiful machine is worth serious wedge.

-How much?

-Sweetheart, do I look like the kind of fella goes around bragging about his packet?

But ballpark... Six numbers.

-Wait till Darren sees this.

-Yeah, who's Darren?

Dad!

What are you doing with my Jag?

I...

Here, wait! I didn't even get your name!

Jodie. And Darren's my fiance.

What are you doing here, you reprobate?

Hello? You're staying in a boozer. Do think I'm going to pass up an opportunity like that?

-There's me thinking you're missing your old dad.

-Well, and that.

-So, I reckon you own me pint.

-What for?

-Delivering your car.

All right, one pint.

But if I find so much as a fingerprint on the paintwork, you're going to pay for a re-spray.

Come on.

Have you got a tissue?

Well, it's emotional.

I'm sure he's on his way.

So I'm standing on the window ledge wearing this thong

and it ain't doing the job of a more...supportive undergarment, if you know what I'm saying?

-Anyway, the blonde, Sophie...

-Sophie's the blonde? I thought that was Gemma?

It could be. Anyway, she's getting rid of her old man

and we're nearly in the clear, when there's this screaming.

-It's the next-door neighbour, thinks I've come to molest her.

-Michael!

What time is it?

All right, bruv?

I was just on my way over.

-How about a pint instead?

-Forget it.

You've had your chance, you blew it. Never again. And you...

don't call me bruv.

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