Pat and Jean go to war in a quest to be crowned Norman's Pearly Queen at the Fete and Fortune Day, while Ryan makes a decision about his relationship with Lauren.
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No, it's got a crease in it,
you're going to have to pull it tighter.
Couldn't you have made "Beale's Plaice" bigger?
I tried, but it made it look off balance.
I've got some sponsorship posters printed up as well.
Where shall I stick them?
I'll leave that up to you, Ian.
True. It's my event after all.
Ma, Ma, come here.
Oh, thank you.
We have to help each other. Isn't that what today's about?
I've been meaning to come over...
to talk about wedding plans.
We're not having this conversation, Syed. Not now, not ever.
Is that why you're helping me, or is it actually for the fete?
-It's because of the fete.
-I hope I've made enough samosas.
-You won't be stuck on the stall all day?
-You are going to have a bit of fun yourself.
-Life isn't all about fun, all right, Syed?
-I'm helping the community.
-They want to see you let your hair down.
I often let my hair down. I am a fun-filled person.
Everyone knows that.
She's a selfish cow.
-I thought she was your best mate.
-No, not after yesterday.
Listen to this - I had my holiday booked, OK?
I had my sunglasses, my passport, but what didn't I have?
My mate. Cos she was having it off with my brother the whole time!
Just forget about it.
Listen, I don't suppose you fancy going to the fete, do you?
It's not really my thing.
-But what is my thing is taking you bowling.
-Yeah. You could gasp in wonder at my coordination.
Whitney, I've been looking for you.
-Can I have a word?
-Come on, Lee, let's go...
Oh, that is very grown up, isn't it? I'm entitled to a life, you know, Whitney!
Jean, can you pass me that end up, please, darling? Thank you.
You know, it's not as if I like many men...
not in that way.
Stands to reason that when I do find one I like he doesn't like me.
Not just him though, is it? Eddie didn't like you either.
-His loss. Jean, the bunting now, darling.
-Do you know, I'm so fed up of being on my own.
Life has got no... surprises any more.
-Get a dog, then.
I don't want a dog!
-I want what you and Kat have got! I want love!
..what's wrong with me?
Am I that ugly?
You're not ugly! There's nothing wrong with you.
If you ask me, that Norman needs his bumps feeling.
Old man like that, must be at least 20 years older than you.
I like older me, I always have. Brian was seven years older than me.
Older men are more...reliable.
Who wants reliable? Give me a younger fella any day.
-They're always up for it.
-It's a good job you go for the younger blokes.
Seeing as how all the fellas your age are all dead.
-Don't even think about that Norman.
-He had lovely eyes.
Did you notice? You can tell a lot from a man's eyes.
Well, if he prefers tub-of-lard Pat over you, he needs his eyes tested.
Do you think I should do something different to my hair?
-What do you think?
-I think, Jean... I think you should give me the bunting. Thank you.
I'd have made a great Pearly Queen.
-Yeah, you would have.
-A really great one.
-Are you going to mope about like this all day?
-I am not moping! I am...
Oh, it doesn't matter, it's all a joke to you, anyway.
And yes, I did like Eddie, very, very much
but there wasn't the connection.
And there could be with Norman, he just doesn't know it yet!
why can't I have a bit of fun?
Why is it never my day?
Bet she's not took her tablets today.
No, she's right, she would've made a great Pearly Queen.
And she will.
-How do you mean?
-Tell you what I mean.
I know someone in the know.
If she wants to be Pearly Queen for the day,
then a Pearly Queen she will be.
Will you just stop! Stop it!
Come on. How often are we in a room alone?
All right, well, just keep your hands to yourself!
-Hurry up, Pat!
# La-da, da-da
# Da-da-da-da-daaa... #
I knew it. I look ridiculous, don't I?
-No, no, you don't. No, you look really authentic.
-No, I was just laughing...
I was just laughing because, um...
-Well, you know...
-Yeah. I know.
Right. Here we go...
A right couple of swells.
A right couple of fools, more like.
-I'm not doing it.
-Course you are.
-People will laugh!
No, they won't. See what you've done?
You'll have to get somebody else.
-Jean wanted to do it.
I don't want Jean! I want you.
Look, if I can dress up like this, so can you.
It's different for you.
What? Cos I look like an idiot all the time?
No, cos I live here! That's my square out there, my neighbours!
Which is exactly why you should do it.
It's a money raiser for the community centre, right?
So what if a few people laugh at first? They'll soon line up for a photo with you.
Not because you look stupid...
because you're the Queen.
you carry it off better than most.
You seen it out there?
All the flags and smiles?
They're patting themselves on the back for thinking about doing something for the community.
And I bet before it's dark, they'll be at each other's throats.
I'd rather just spend some money on sending it to an African tribe.
get 'em a decent water supply.
-Here you go, fellas. Careful. Lovely, that'll do.
-Right, where's our free beer?
-Yeah, very funny(!)
-Listen, Paddy, thanks for your help. Much appreciated.
-It's all right, it's all right.
I've had that Ian Beale breathing down my neck all morning,
sticking his posters on anything that doesn't move.
That sounds about right. So what time's kick off?
-In half an hour.
-All right. I'll see you boys later.
-Much appreciated. Cheers, lads.
-Is he, uh...
-Of course he's a bit...
Right. Thought so. He kept having a look.
-Please. If anything, he's looking at me.
-You must be joking! The gays love me.
Yeah, only cos you come on to them, don't you? You know, his closet door's always been a bit ajar.
I'm comfortable with my sexuality, boys.
-I attract attention. I'm used to it. Girls, blokes. They're only human.
Some are human, most are dogs, though.
-Oi, lads, lads. Oi oi!
-Here, Pat, you lost a button?
One more crack like that and I'm turning straight round.
Pull all the faces you like, the Pat I used to know
was never backwards in pushing herself forward.
-Well, that was a long time ago.
-She's still in there.
-Now, we're supposed to be meeting our photographer from...
-You could end up on the Billingsgate Fish Market calendar as Miss November.
-What about Miss July?
See! I said the old Pat was still in there.
Right, what is it we're supposed to be doing?
Well, we open the thing and then we pose for pics.
We must make sure we charge a quid a photo. It all adds up.
Ooh, there's the photographer! Come on, Pat. From the Gazette?
How good is that?
You must be so proud.
Hi, Rebecca. What are you doing here?
Thought I'd come cheer you on.
I raided the piggy bank. It's all for a good cause, isn't it?
-And besides, I wanted to see you.
I was going to give you a call later on, honestly...
-There's something I need to talk to you about. Let's go and get a coffee.
-Norman Simmonds, two M's.
-Why's she dressed like that?
-You Pearly Queen, eh?
-It fits perfectly.
-You look a picture, you do, sweetheart.
-Thank you for doing this for me.
-No, sweetheart. You have fun today. You look great.
He has his moments! Look at Pat's face! All right, Pat?
-Oh, no, don't cos a stir, I don't want a fuss.
-Well, I do.
-Let's see who has the most buttons.
-I'm fine here.
You've got to show Norman what he's missing out on. Come on.
-Did you know about this?
-No. I've no idea why she's dressed like that.
-Oh, I have -
she's out to make trouble, like her daughter.
They crack on they're a salt shaker short of a cruet set
but they're all there when they want to be.
What are you playing at, Jean?
-I'm not playing at anything.
-She can get dressed up if she wants.
There's no law against it.
Actually, the Pearly Society are very strict when it comes to their outfits.
Leave off, it's a suit with a few buttons on it...
Looks lovely, though, don't she?
-Why are you doing this, Kat?
-Letting Jean make a fool of herself.
No, I'm not!
Oh, yes, you are! See, Norman chose me...not Jean.
You think he'll look at her dressed like some sort
of second-rate Music Hall act and change his mind?
You're setting her up to be humiliated.
Mind you, that's probably something she's used to.
Cos she's on medication.
-You evil old cow!
-I know what you are.
You are a bully. A really nasty bully!
Really? Well, let me tell you, madam, you are an...
Forget it. I don't need this.
I never wanted to dress like this anyway. I'm going home.
No, no, Pat, no. Please.
It's all right. It's fine.
THERE'S your Pearly Queen
and look at her,
she's like a greyhound in a trap.
Can't wait to chase the rabbit.
You stick with Jean, you make a lovely couple.
There you go, now everyone's happy.
You said you wanted to talk about something?
Would you like a biscuit?
No. I'm fine, thanks.
Well, the thing is, Rebecca...
-..I really like you.
Well, I like you, too.
Anyway, the thing is...
-Yeah. I haven't...
I haven't been completely honest with you.
Well, you've kind of made this assumption and I haven't corrected you...
That I'm a widower.
I am divorced. Well, nearly divorced. It is pretty much the same thing, isn't it?
Your wife's still alive?!
Yeah. You sure you don't want one of these biscuits?
Look, Rebecca, I didn't know how things were going to turn out
between us, and when you presumed Jane was dead,
-I just kind of went along with it.
-You lied to me.
No, no. Technically, right, I just didn't correct you.
-Which isn't lying, is it?
You just sound like my ex-husband.
-Yeah, but hang on, you all just assumed I was a widower.
Yeah, you and the other mums.
You've been seeing the other mums!
No. Not all of them! Just some of them.
It's not really seeing either, it was just coffee and things.
-Cheryl and Fiona meant absolutely nothing to me.
-Forget it, Ian.
I like you.
Just forget it!
I'm avoiding the enforced fun day.
you shouldn't have got involved yesterday.
Yes, I should. But I don't want to talk about it.
Just promise me you'll never deal again.
I can't promise you that.
This is who I am, Lauren, you know?
Sometimes I got to do stuff just to get by.
But you shouldn't be involved in this.
And you shouldn't be involved with me.
I don't need protecting, Ryan.
Right, well I think you do need protecting. From me.
I'm a mess, Lauren.
Everything I touch falls apart.
I bring people down with me. You nearly got arrested because of me!
-Yes, and I didn't. So it's all right.
It's not all right...
..and I'm not going to see you again.
No, she's at the fete, Dot.
Oh. Oh, well, I'll leave it here, then.
Thank her very much for me. Oh, hello, Pat.
Jim... Jim, he liked it very much.
-You all right?
-I got a headache.
It's like knives in my brain.
Oh, right, well, come and sit down...
I'll tell you who's a real headache - Kat Moon.
-I don't want to be getting in your way.
-No, you're fine.
You don't look great. She looks a bit pale, doesn't she, Pat?
Actually, Dot, you don't look too good.
-Well, you know me, I ain't one to complain.
-How long have you had them?
Oh, the past few weeks. I mean, they used to come and go. This one, it's with me all the time.
-Well, what's your doctor said?
-Oh, well, I haven't been.
You know, I didn't want to bother him.
Why ever not? If they're as bad as what you say they are.
Well...you know, you mean to go and...
You're scared to find out what it might be?
Well, like I said, I've had them before,
my migraines, but I've never had nothing like this.
Right, Carol, get the phone.
We're making you an appointment.
Mr Waverly's ready for you now.
So remember to dig deep, it's all for a good cause
and it gives me great pleasure to declare this fete and fortune day, well and truly open!
I was expecting to see you glued to Carol's side.
Oh, no, she's just nipped home for something.
Probably left the oven on.
She's very homely, isn't she?
I don't think she's homely.
It must be so difficult for her, like, juggling all those kids.
Not surprising she doesn't have much time to make the best of herself.
Oh, look, a test-your-strength machine.
-Go on, have a go.
-I haven't had a go on one of these for years.
Go on, you show them how it's done. I bet you can hit that bell.
-Go on, then.
-You think you've got it in you?
-Not bad at all!
-You sure that's set up right? That should've hit the bell.
-Looked very impressive from where I was standing.
-Is that right?
Right, well... I'll see you around...Hercules.
I think you've found yourself a fan there, brother.
-Sorry about that. Have I missed anything?
What if it's not want I want? You're making excuses.
All right, you're too young for me, then!
Actually, I think I act a lot older than you.
You're the one coming out with the childish rubbish.
This is about Whitney, innit?
Course it is.
Well, she's been through enough upset enough recently, hasn't she?
So it's OK to upset me?
Right, look me in the eye and tell me that you want us to finish.
Right, idiot. OK, well tell her that you finished with me,
that I was heartbroken and we'll just carry on in secret.
I'm not letting you go.
You're right, you are a mess.
You're a lost cause.
But lost causes turn me on.
I'm only glad that Jim ain't at home. Cos he picks up when things ain't right
and he'd know I was worried and then he'd get worked up.
I'll have to be careful,
on my guard when I go to visit him though.
Well, on with the motley, as they say.
I'm taking up all of your day.
Oh, don't worry, I've got nothing better to do.
I'm supposed to be standing out there doing my Tessie O'Shea,
but then Demented Deirdre from the pub needed an outing from day care.
I should never have let Norman talk me into it.
-He seems a nice man.
-Yeah. Yeah, he is.
I mean, I know it ain't none of my business, but are you and him...
Oh, no. No, Dot, nothing like that.
We're just good friends.
Like you and Mr Bishop.
Where is he? I haven't seen him around lately.
Oh, he's been very busy.
You know, this pain in my head it's like knives inside my skull.
I don't seem to get no respite from it.
I mean, I hardly got any sleep last night.
It seemed worse then. Well, then it always does, doesn't it? You know, when it's dark and you're alone.
"Thou shalt not be afraid of the terror by night."
Psalm 91 verse 5.
But I am afraid.
Right, you're not waiting till Monday.
-I'm getting you to the hospital.
-Oh, no, it'll wait.
I'm just a bit down at the moment, that's all.
-You need to be seen, don't you?
-No, I can wait!
What if it's a stroke?
I couldn't bear that!
I tell you what, you and me are going to have a little tot of brandy.
Now, I'm no doctor but I know it numbs the pain.
Believe me, I've been self-medicating for years!
Did you bring someone with you?
No, I didn't. I didn't want... I didn't want to worry.
You've had a bit of a shock. You shouldn't really be on your own.
Me and my husband are separated and, um, my best mate moved away.
There must be someone.
There's my daughters.
-But, I can't...
-Look, maybe you should stay here for a while.
-I could get someone to sit with you.
-No. I'll be fine. Sorry.
Sorry. It's just the shock, isn't it?
It's just the shock. Although it isn't.
I mean, I knew when you sent the letter, I knew it was bad news,
but, um... well, you just do, don't you? So...
I'm going to be fine. I can do this. I can do this.
-Come on, Alfie! Put your back into it!
-What do you think I'm doing?
-Yes! In your face, Alfie!
-That's because you started before Patrick said!
-Sore loser! Loser! Loser!
-Listen to him.
-He wins one thing and thinks he's Rocky Balboa.
-All mouth, is he?
-And the rest.
You want to get down the gym more. Only exercise he gets is drinking pints.
-Some of us weren't born weeds.
-You were born a loser.
Oi, oi, oi. That's my cue. Now listen, this is a community day.
Go knock some coconuts down or hit on some girls.
Save the fighting till we get back home.
Number of times I've had to get in between Robbie and Sonia when they were kids.
Bet you were the same with your brothers and sisters.
-Sibling rivalry, eh?
-Have I told you how beautiful you look today?
-Are you drunk?
I'm intoxicated with your beauty.
Now I know you're talking rubbish.
-You've got to learn to take compliments.
-I don't HAVE to do anything...
but compliments are nice. Thank you.
I've never seen anything like it! Your ball bounced three aisles.
-What can I say? It slipped out of my hand.
-You're a liability, you.
-No. It's just that, um...
It doesn't matter.
I like you a lot.
-there's things you don't know about me.
I mean, if you did know, then...
you probably wouldn't like me.
You don't support Spurs, do you? Cos if you do, I'm out that door.
I'm being serious.
Don't worry about it. You'll tell me when the time's right.
It's like I say, I like you.
-OK, shall I get us some more drinks?
You know, it's a shame there isn't the egg-and-spoon race.
I used to be really, really good at that.
I mean, most people think the trick is in choosing the right egg, but it's not.
-It's about having a firm wrist.
-That outfit really suits you.
-You think so?
-It gives you an air of dignity.
Jean, Jean, come and join me.
-Sold out of samosas?
-Yes, all gone.
And, for your information, I've signed up for the three-legged race, because I am a fun person.
Mum, I never said you weren't.
Right, ladies and gentlemen. Can I have a bit of quiet, please?
It's time for the three-legged race.
Now, we'll be selecting from the bucket who partners who.
Now, in one bucket are the men, and in the other one, the women.
Now, the first name out of the bucket is...
And Christian will partner...
Oi, oi, oi. ..Zainab.
And the next name is Tyler.
-And his partner is Kat...
-I've got a headache.
-No, you don't.
-You expect me to tie my leg to his? You think that's my idea of fun?
Well, it's not like he's got anything catching.
I thought we were making progress.
Yeah, well, I'm not ready for that kind of progress.
You're together, you're getting married, adopting a child, living next door to me!
There's only so much I can take, Syed. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am incapable of having fun.
-Want a top-up?
-No, thanks, just the one for me.
two's friendly and three is a party.
Well, at least I can say I did it.
For all of five minutes, I was a Pearly Queen.
Not that it was ever an ambition of mine.
I was Miss Butlins, Clacton 1958. I bet you didn't know that.
I had heard a rumour.
I went for a holiday once in Clacton. It was just after the War.
I'd come back from being evacuated.
My sister Rose - my half sister - she ran off. I got the blame for it.
I had my photograph taken, sitting on a donkey wearing a sash.
-I'm going to die.
-Oh, give over, Dot.
-No, I feel it.
It'll be something to do with needing glasses or something like that.
You'll outlive the lot of us.
There are things that I wish I'd done...that I'll never do now.
What, like jumping off a bridge with a bit of elastic tied round your ankle?
No. Like ice cream. Strawberry ice cream for breakfast.
Here, why don't you make a list? Might take your mind off your head.
No, I don't need to make a list cos I done my shopping this morning.
No, no, no.
A list of things that you would like to do. Start with the ice cream.
Now, what else is there?
Well, I'd like to make me peace with someone.
I've been regretting that lately.
That sounds a bit deep. But, go on, stick it down.
Now listen to me, Dot. You are not going to die - stop saying that. It's nonsense.
I'll tell you what is nonsense - you fooling yourself
that you're not bothered by sitting here with me while he's out there with that Jean.
-What do you mean?
-You know what I mean.
I mean, you're entitled to a little bit of fun now, Pat,
cos you ain't married, are you?
You must admit there's been a little bit of a spring in your step lately.
Want some company?
-Come on, Whitney.
-I mean it, Lauren, I'm not interested.
-Course you're not. You're not interested in anything that's not all about you.
It's always all about you!
-Everyone rushing round, worried about you, trying to save you from that Rob.
-You slept with my brother!
Yes, I know, Whitney, and I wanted to tell you, but I knew you'd do this -
-make it all about you, when it's nothing to do with you!
She says she's up for meeting.
What shall I text back?
I'll take over from here.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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Upset that Norman chose Pat to be Pearly Queen, Jean despairs she’ll never find love. Pat worries that people will laugh at her authentic outfit. When Alfie gets Jean her own Pearly Queen outfit, Pat’s outraged – Norman chose her, not Jean - and storms off home. Feeling down, Pat and Dot drink brandy and reminisce. Jean’s attempts to charm Norman fall on deaf ears as he worries about Pat. Dot thinks Pat’s kidding herself if she doesn’t care Jean is Norman’s queen.
Ryan’s irritated when Whitney blanks him and Kat refuses to give him his last wages. Ryan tries to break up with Lauren for Whitney’s sake; she insists they can see each other secretly. Whitney goes bowling with Lee, they share a kiss. When Whitney refuses to speak to Lauren, Lauren accuses her of making everything about her. Lee receives a text from Whitney agreeing to meet. Smiling, he passes the phone to someone - it’s Rob.
Ian’s admits to Rebecca that he’s not a widower and confesses how much he likes her, but inadvertently reveals he’s been seeing the other mums. Disgusted, Rebecca storms out.
Vanessa attempts to flirt with Eddie at the fete, he’s flattered. Eddie steps in when Anthony and Tyler argue over the outcome of the fete tug of war.
Pat makes Dot a doctor’s appointment when she reveals she has constant headaches. Melancholy Dot worries she’ll die without doing everything she wanted, including making peace with someone. Pat encourages her to write a ‘to do’ list.
Syed attempts to discuss wedding plans with Zainab. She refuses and won’t take part in the three-legged race with Christian at the fete. Stressed, she takes one of her pills.
Tanya has an appointment to discuss her test results and is devastated by the outcome.