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-That didn't happen, right? Big mistake. Huge.
-D'you think I'm proud?
So we're on the same page, then?
-Does it matter?
-Yes, it matters.
-Jodie's made it clear the wedding's off anyway.
What was that?
Look, whatever happens with you and Jodie, she can't find out about this, all right?
-Here you are, Mum.
-Oh. Thank you, darlin'.
But I don't want anything. You have it.
You on another stupid diet?
-What you doing dressed so early? You been out looking for me?
-Where've you been?
Well, where are you disappearing off to?
Oh, yeah, another business course, is it?
You stink of booze.
-That's what having a life smells like, Abi.
-Eau de legless slapper?
-When you going to get a bit of self respect?
-Maybe when you stop sneaking about.
So, who is it today then, Mum?
-I told you, it's just a business course.
Do you mind?
I'm trying out a new cellulite treatment at the salon.
Fitting a lot round this course, aren't you, Mum?
You two are doing my head in!
-Darren, when you get this, please come home. Please.
You need to get my hen do back on track, best woman!
Well? What's the latest?
They're going to wake him up soon.
Ugh! I need a shower. KNOCK AT DOOR
All right. Loan shark's favourite time of day.
-It's me, Michael.
-They still don't know - not until he comes to.
The doctors seem pleased, Dad.
Yeah, got some cheery news for him. Family business going down the U-bend.
I'll make that right, Dad.
I'll do a course on websites, get one up and running. The emporium can have world-wide premises.
They got a course on "how to get creditors off your back.com"?
Anthony, we deal in cash, all right?
My middle name ain't PayPal.
-Roll up your sleeves.
-Houses don't clear themselves.
-You and me?
Dad, I will come to the hospital...
but I'm going to make this right.
-Listen, about Craig...
We wait, till we know about Tyler.
Who knows? Today could be the day we find that Faberge egg.
-Yeah, whatever! Hey, brother!
Just lining the stomach before the stag do of the century.
-Well, don't bother.
-Why - you got jitters?
-Got no missus.
Got no job. Got no life.
Are you telling me there's no stag do?
Jodie getting off with Anthony, and me getting off with Lauren sort of implies that.
What?! Jodie! No way! Are you... What was you thinking?!
-That my wedding's off, which it is. So shut up.
-All right, lips locked.
Who cares anyway, eh?
Jodie phoning to remind me how worthless I am.
Doesn't mean that she needs to know. We can put a firewall all the way round this.
You're supposed to look like you haven't slept AFTER your stag do!
Brother, there ain't going to be no stag do.
What kind of do would it be anyway?
My surrogate family hate me, my real one don't care. It'd be us three hell-raisers,
trail-blazing through the Square gardens. HORN HONKS
I haven't missed it, have I?
It's me, it's Mickey!
Tanya Jessop. I've got an appointment for a laparoscopy.
I was wondering if I could change to another day - something important's come up.
Well, it's not that urgent, but...
Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, I'll be there.
I can take Oscar today if you need to be somewhere.
I know the prospect terrifies you, but...
It's fine - it's the girls I worry about.
-They're at each other's throats, when they're not at mine.
-Give it time.
-I can't wait that long!
-It's unnatural for teenage girls to not hate their mum, innit? Look at us.
What if it turns into a life-long resentment?
What? You're a million miles away from our mum, Tan.
Anyway, where you got to be that's so important?
Ah, it's just...
Come on, sis. Spill!
It's nothing like that, Rai. Honestly.
A problem shared.
I won't tell anyone.
-But I can't promise I'll stay out of the pub if it's anything shocking.
Yeah, it's, er... It's nothing - it's just rubbishy old business stuff, that's all.
Right. You. No Bible classes,
no smelly vagrants, and, er... tell my girls just...
-Tell them to have a bit of flippin' respect for their mother, eh? I'll see you later.
He's got some nerve, staying out all night.
I pushed him away.
He lied to you. About the raise, about paying for the wedding...
Jodie. He's a lying thief, on the bones of his backside,
with no prospects, punching sky high above his puny little weight.
The Darren Miller fan club welcomes me.
-Go on, then.
-Be quick. I know what you'll say. I've had 15 missed calls.
-Only got yourself to blame.
There's no pressure about tomorrow. Just take some time.
-Think it through.
-I have. I love Darren for being Darren, not what's in his bank account.
It's a real turn on, the size of a man's overdraft.
Do you know what it's like when a man says he loves you and means it?
No - you're always too busy working out how they'll pay for the next bit of jewellery.
It's always been about YOU - about caring for you.
Then, please, just accept Darren's good for me!
Hang about - what about you and Anthony Moon? And don't deny it.
I saw you at the hospital.
-He was in bits over his brother - he needed comforting.
-Oh. Is that what you call it?
Just made me realise how pathetic it was - us arguing over the small stuff.
..you're my everything.
And with your arms around me, I feel like I can fly.
You're my Superman.
-You can't put a time on the needs of a parishioner.
In need of a good gossip, more like.
There it is!
-What, this old thing?
-I asked you a thousand times if you'd seen it!
Well, you've got a thousand crosses knocking about. I didn't know you meant this one in particular.
-Hand it to me before I strangle you with it!
-That's not very Christian.
You turn up uninvited, eh?
You go to places I forbid, you steal from me,
you make a disgusting mess. You're a wicked, wicked child.
You're not so bad yourself.
-I ain't no plane in volcanic ash.
If you dare to go against me again,
you'll find your bags on the streets! I want every inch of my house clean and tidy before I get back.
Do you understand?
Do you understand?!
They did what?
-Well, yeah. I thought Lauren would have told you.
-Can we have two bacon baps, please? Make 'em big 'uns.
-I'm going to need all the energy I can get!
FAT BOY CHEERS
I thought you and Jodie were over.
No, we're back on.
So, what happened at the car lot...
Stays at the car lot. As long as it was just a random customer that saw us.
-We'll have to find out who did see us.
Lauren, look at you! How lovely are you? She's got really big, ain't she, Dal?
Listen, I won't say nothing if you don't.
-He was just trying to get something out of his system, weren't you, Dal?
-Course I didn't!
-No, he didn't do that.
Lauren. Lauren! Why?
-YOU know? How?
Look. OK. I-I...made a few assumptions, all right?
I thought Sick Mick was your brother, yous two were tight, you know?
But you know what this means? This means that we've got a pact
and right now, no-one needs to know about you...and her.
-You two slept together?
-Jodie doesn't deserve that. When Afia finds out...
-She can't find out! Tell him!
It's all right. Look, we've got a pact now, OK, OK? Ain't there some clucking to do?
-There's a hen do, right?
-Yeah, there's a stag do, to go to!
It's stag o'clock!
Come on, Dal, let's go!
It's party time! Let's do this!
Let's do it!
Dad's worked so hard all his life. He's given me and Tyler so many chances...
What's done is done. You know, you gotta keep on going, I s'pose.
Never seen him like this before.
-He can have my wages.
-You need 'em!
-I can top it up with what we make today. Tell him it was your graft.
It'd help relations, wouldn't it?
Go on - go and get some chips.
Ugh! You're all right. We've got enough cheap tat already.
I've got my daughter's wedding to pay for.
I'm calling it quits.
Then I'll tell Eddie that you put his son in hospital.
Shame if he knew the truth about you.
You know what? I don't actually care what Eddie thinks about me. And, obviously, you don't either.
On the proviso you stay away from my dad and my family.
She is one chicken zinger!
Probably best avoiding that one, though. Apparently she's a stripper/pole dancer by profession.
-Large one, darlin'.
-I'd be getting legless if all I had to look forward to was Ian Beale coming back.
-Buzz off, baldie.
Hi, Mr Moon. I've come for Jodie's wages - we need them for tonight.
-Not a problem. Give me ten minutes.
-Get my rent while you're at it,
-if you still want your name above the door.
-You're the real landlord, ain't you?
Hello, beautiful. My name's Mickey.
-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
-Poppy! That's a lovely name.
You want to "poppy" your mouthy on my mouthy?
-Sorry, sorry, sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. You must just bring it out in me.
A nice girl like yourself, a man of commitment such as myself.
When you meet a nice girl she's for life -
-not just for Christmas. Not like all these other men - even ones getting married.
-Who d'you mean?
-Come on, Mick, you got the beers in?
-D'you mean him?
-Er, no, no.
-What you been up to, Darren?
-Yous two know each other?
-That's Poppy, Jodie's best friend?
-You've been messing behind Jodie's back?!
-No! I never said that!
No, you didn't have to!
How you feeling, Tanya?
Like I've been kung fu-ed in the guts by the Furious Five...
Kung Fu Panda - it's my little boy's favourite.
You need to eat something.
I feel sick, actually.
That's why you need to eat something.
You're going to be very sore for the next few days.
And your little boy will have to go without his mum picking him up.
You can't lift anything heavy.
Got to let the stitches heal.
How long is, er...
How long is this going to put me out for?
Cos I've got my job and my kids - there's people depending on me...
You've got to rest, Tanya.
That's the most important thing. We'll fix an appointment for your results before you leave tomorrow.
No... no, no, no, I can't stay over.
I've got my kids.
Well, I'll have a word with the doctors and double check.
Mr Waverly will see you later today.
There will be someone to take you home, won't there?
Got a good one, then.
-It was a one off.
-So you did, then?
-I was drunk.
-That's no excuse.
-I thought Jodie got off with Anthony.
-She'd never do that.
-And I regret sleeping with Lauren.
-Look please, please, please don't tell Jodie.
-We tell each other everything. She's like a sister.
-You won't want to hurt her, then.
-Go and ruin her big day?
-If she finds out, it'll ruin everything she's dreamt about.
Don't go and break her heart. Look...
I will never, ever do anything like this again, all right?
I'll make her the happiest woman alive.
I'll tell her.
Yeah, you will. Today, Darren!
I need to know...
Did we score?
Please, Mandy. It won't be a stag do without a stripper!
Anyway, it'll be more artistic than anything, yeah?
Fat Boy, hit it!
MUSIC: "Milkshake" by Kelis
-You boys are not man enough!
-You can teach me to be a man.
-Teach me, teach me!
-I wish I could be more like you.
-Just let your hair down, Dazza!
It's not just Poppy. It's Vanessa. The car lot, this morning. She knows.
-Think you'd be sat here right now if she did?
MUSIC CONTINUES, MEN JEER
-Oh, my days.
How about the belt?
-Take it off, take it off!
-We want the belt, we want the belt!
ALFIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-That's enough - ain't that kind of pub, fellas, and you know it!
-Mrs Moon would not be happy! I'm meant to be keeping an eye on you!
Party at mine. And you're in the VIP suite, sweet cheeks.
It's chocka-blocka-rocka with fit boys and girls.
BOTH: # Now I'm back for more
# Set your spirit free
# It's the only way to be
-# It's the only way to be... #
-I know you're sorry. Just stop it now, OK?
Tell that to both my faces. Poppy ain't spoke to me tonight.
-Maybe it was her that came into the car lot.
-You're being paranoid now.
I'm afraid to say you're not going through to the next round.
Yeah, someone call the RSPCA! There's cats being strangled in here!
-There's something wrong, isn't there?
-You're right. Me and Darren - we should be together.
I don't want to spend another night apart.
-Right, come on everyone, we're going to go and find Darren!
Yeah, come on, I've had enough!
I'll tell Jode you weren't feeling well. And you'll be so poorly,
you won't be able to make it to the wedding tomorrow, either.
MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY
This I did not expect, sweetness!
You're very popular, Faith.
These are all online bredrens, innit? Fiver each. Kerching!
All up in Aunty O's house, though! Are you mad?
-If Mohammed ain't allowed up no mountain...
-Oh, oh! Come on, girl!
-She was allowed out to the club, and she's still in a mood.
-Oh, boo-hoo, Abi.
Girls. Oscar's asleep.
D'you know how much I been panicking - being left to look after the Little Emperor?
Thought he was going to have a fit without his mum's bedtime story. Amazing how quickly they adapt.
What business course goes on this late?
She's is so up to something.
Hey, Miss Marple. Leave her alone!
Hands up here anyone who's never messed things up?
Ooh, you little liar. Oh, come...
-No, I don't want a hug, Abi!
-Auntie Rainie! Get off me!
THEY CONTINUE TO PLAY-FIGHT
MUSIC: "Hello" by Martin Solveig & Dragonette
-I can't be without you.
-You all right?
Hello! You must be my new sister-in-law. Welcome to the family.
-What's goin' on, babe?
-Lauren's gone home with her tail between her legs. Nice tune, by the way!
Thank you very much, thank you very much. So, this whole BMF thing, yeah?
-Once you become a BMF, is there any chance of, you know, like, a promotion?
You know, like, can you rise through the ranks? Know what I mean?
Mum texted and Tyler's doing really well!
Really? That's amazing, I'll go and see if I can talk to him.
No more hard to get.
Let's make this easy. You picked the wrong sister, mister.
Now, If Mercy was a fridge, I'm an Aga. And you can't turn them tings off.
Oh, sick. So, what you saying? Like...
D'you want to be Fat Boy, or Rude Boy?
-Yeah, I can't really, you know...
-I can't see a better offer. Can you?
Just be gentle with me, all right, sweetness?
Because they're keeping him in for a while,
I got him anti-bacterial wipes, plasters and hand gel.
Even a tiny little nick shaving can be an all-inclusive hotel for MRSA.
Oh, voice of doom! He'll be all right!
I know, but then there's the food and air conditioning to get past.
Boys, we've got a lot to celebrate. Those nurses -
-Don't you have a wedding to organise?
-I just went to see how Tyler was.
We ran into each other, thought we could share the celebrations.
How wonderfully convenient.
To Tyler and his head of steel.
You know, he fell off a wall when he was six.
He had his hands in a packet of crisps, so his face took the brunt of it.
All the neighbours came out.
He was still screaming at the hospital when the nurse was stitching up his lip.
Then when he got knocked out...
all I wanted was for him to scream.
The minute you lot were born - every single one of you - that's when the worry started.
All right, Dad.
-He earned it, today.
Yep. Yeah, he's got the gift of the gab. Just like his pa.
I've made a lot of mistakes in the past.
I'm not happy about the way I left Carol.
Let's not dwell on the past, eh? The future looks good.
Tyler's making a recovery.
-Things might just be on the up.
-I dunno about that.
I made a pact with Ty that...
for a month I'd support...
-Leyton Orient! Good boy.
-Get in, my son! Get in!
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
I was going to read this out tomorrow, but I need you to know now.
"You're the hairspray to my cow licks
"You're the glue to my acrylics
"A mask for my face, made of clay
"You're my support pants on a fat day
"With you I don't need botox or filler
"Cos I'll be perfect as Mrs Miller."
-What I'm saying, Darren...
-I know what you're trying to say.
We can be like them, can't we?
Why don't we get some fresh air?
Oh. All right, Grace?
We're getting married in the morning!
Get out, get out, get out!
Oh, my Lord!
Fantastic party Faith's put on.
You must be her sister.
-Where is she?
-I think she's under the coat pile.
Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no.
-I'm going to go. I want to look my best for tomorrow.
-I know, but...
We've got for ever together to chat.
What if I've done something bad?
-You got sacked cos of me. End of.
-What if I've done something worse than that?
It doesn't matter what's happened - this is the slate wiped clean. This, right now, is day zero. Agreed?
-You haven't told her yet?
-I'm going to come home with you, let's go.
-You can't start a marriage on lies.
-Poppy, shush now, we're all a bit drunk.
-Don't marry him, Jode.
-Not now, Poppy!
No? When, then? Wait till the honeymoon to tell her you slept with Lauren last night?
-Don't listen to her...
At the car lot this morning.
I saw you.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Darren and Lauren vow to conceal their indiscretion, not realising they may already have been discovered. Meanwhile a familiar face returns for Darren's stag do, Tanya prepares for her hospital appointment in secret, and Fatboy hopes to take his friendship with Whitney to the next level.