30/09/2011 EastEnders

The boys told me to play it cool. They said keep you hanging.

The thing is I'm not very good at playing it cool.

Me neither.

Beautiful.

Perfect.

It's, like, small but what it would be like if it was big, innit.

Everyone, my sister.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Leave it.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Patrick.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey!

-I don't care how you do it.

Scrape it off with your finger nails if you have to, just get rid of it.

-Will you just back off?

-Yeah, back off, bozo.

-Take your hands off me. Kim, get my hat, please.

-You ain't going.

I just want to see what I'm being accused of.

-No way.

-Kim, hat.

-You can't go on your own.

-This is not your battle. None of you.

Thanks.

Bozo?

I worry about you sometimes, you know?

Here, I say, these here cost money.

Bobby!

Three long weeks.

-Try six.

-You're used to it.

-You saying I can't get any?

-No.

I'm saying, three weeks without a girl for me is like six weeks without a girl for you.

-It's like dog years or something.

-Comparing yourself to a dog, are we?

I need some action, Ant, all right, and I need it now.

-I ain't a racist.

-It's not me.

What's this all about? You tell me and this can all go away.

-I said it's not me.

-You're saying it's not you, but I don't believe you.

-Dad.

-Someone's trying to intimidate you.

Now you know what it feels like.

I have a reputation to uphold.

What? As a really boring git with a really big head?

I've got a standing in this community. People look up to me.

No, no, they're just checking out your really big head. They are.

So we squirted a few people. So what?

-You're trying to show me up.

-I weren't.

-You were.

-I WEREN'T!

All right, it's not just the water pistols, OK. Look.

You can hardly notice it.

All right.

That wasn't me. All right, that was me.

Every time you go out the house, right,

you humiliate me, you show me up, you take advantage of me.

You're quite hot when you're angry.

-Mandy, look, this cost 800 quid.

-OK.

Bit of white wine will sort it right out.

-No.

-Just give it here.

-No. Mandy, no. Please.

-Just give it here!

-No, don't.

-Just give it.

Why can't you be normal?

What's that saying? Fools rush in.

-You're not a fool.

-I hope not.

Those Brannings have got a lot to answer for. Max broke my heart, Carol broke yours.

-I don't want to go back there again.

-No, me neither.

See you round.

-Is that cool enough?

-Very cool.

All right?

-Ain't you sick of that yet?

-Not even close.

-Taboo, that's it. Ty, are you even listening to me?

-No.

No. The drought ends here, Ant.

It ends right here.

So, there's a course on child care.

And it teaches you how to,

you know, how to understand the kids, how to teach 'em and...

It'll take you three years. I don't know how, but it does.

You know, I think you should go up for it.

Oi, Whitney, do you sleep on your front?

What? No, not really.

Can I sleep on it, then?

-I don't get it.

-Good.

Good.

FATBOY MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES

Help me, help me.

You know she's only after your money.

HE LAUGHS Yeah.

She'd have better luck looking down the back of the sofa.

That's all she's ever been after. You know that.

Her ex-husband, Max.

It may not have occurred to you, but, you know, maybe I'm the exception?

It's a crazy idea, but perhaps she really likes me.

Nah.

Maybe it's just kids having a laugh.

No, it's Patrick or Denise or that other leery bint.

They did say they didn't see anything. So maybe they didn't.

They're covering, all of them. Stick together, that lot, don't they?

-That lot?

-Yeah, you know what I mean.

I know one thing. Now you know how it feels.

Now you know how it feels to be intimidated.

You can come back at lunch time. And clean it off.

These are Duncan's. He left them here.

-You'll be seeing him around, won't you?

-Nah.

-No?

That's a shame. You guys were good mates.

What's happened, Ben?

Time to move on.

No, I did what you asked. Carol's out of the picture.

What are you still here for, then?

I like him.

I like your dad and he likes me. Really, he does.

Is it so bad if I make him happy?

If we try and make a go of it?

Look, you want to protect him, you want him to be happy,

I understand that, cos that's what I want too.

We're on the same side, me and you.

He'll get tired of you, Vanessa. He will. Just like all the others.

He'll see past the cheap nylon suit,

the hair, the make-up.

He'll see you for what you really are. A has-been.

A scrounger who sleeps her way from one pay cheque to the next.

And the most tragic thing of all is you know that, don't you?

Time to vanish.

MAN WHISTLES

Oi, Red.

-You made me lose count.

-Sorry about that.

I'm walking to school on my own today and it is 863 steps. I counted.

-Right, let's just stick to the subject, shall we?

-What subject?

Your sister. You reckon you could bring her here for, say, four o'clock?

I'll need compensation.

Red, you are my kinda girl.

How about you pick anything you like?

-For keeps?

-For keeps.

-Nice magazine. Look.

-Hmm.

-No?

-That?

-Yep.

-Deal.

Oh, it's blood. I've done Ian in.

What are you doing back here, Mandy Salter?

I hope you ain't taking advantage of that boy's good nature.

Dot, have you ever noticed how big his head is?

Now, Jane, his wife, she was an angel.

She was always well suited.

You know, she wore lovely dresses.

She was a good cook and a wonderful mother.

I mean, that's the sort of woman a man wants, not some flibbertigibbet

running round the Square flashing her drawers

and squirting people with water.

-Is that right?

-Yes, that is right.

And what do you mean, he's got a big head?

Since he's had his hair cut, there's nothing abnormal about him.

Can I borrow you ladies for a second?

-Yes, you can.

-No, you cannot.

It's all in the name of romance, Mrs Branning.

Romance, that's a fat lot of use

when it comes to getting wine stains out of sofa cushions.

-Look, come on.

-What do you think you're doing?

-Come on, Dot.

-Get your hands off me! How dare you, young man?

-Come on, Dot.

-Come on.

Come on. Take it for a test drive, all right.

It's not just a vehicle. It's a way of life.

Look, this vehicle right here will set you free.

It matches your shirt, mate, come on.

-Come on!

-Why?

-You'll see.

Meet me in the car lot. Bring the money.

-Vanessa.

-Hi.

-I was just thinking about you.

-Can we talk?

Sounds ominous.

OK. All right, so, look, here it is, all right.

I'm just going to say this. I'm just going to say it one time. One time, all right.

So I was thinking maybe me and you could go out for dinner tonight?

# I just want your extra time and your

# Kiss, Whitney. #

Hey. Hey.

Did you tell him my name? You did, didn't ya?

-Thanks.

-This guy's following us.

Don't hold me responsible for the grammar.

I thought it was confusing an' all.

It's not me as in me. It's me as in him.

How about it, babe?

I don't really know how to say this.

That sounds really ominous.

But it's all right. Whatever it is, I'm a big boy, I can take it.

Eddie, I... I really want to move in with you.

You're joking, right?

You're not joking? Blimey, there's me thinking

you were going to launch into that "it's not you, it's me" speech.

I know this whole thing with Carol's really knocked you.

And we've both been through so much recently.

-Very recently.

-But that doesn't matter, does it?

At least, not from where I'm standing. The past is the past.

Why the rush?

Why wait when you know something's right, you know?

When it feels good.

What do you see in me, Vanessa? Seriously?

A chance to be happy.

And I know you see it too, don't you?

Please, Eddie.

So, did nobody else think that was weird?

Cos I thought that was weird.

-I liked it.

-Just the girl I wanted to see.

You ready?

Ta-daaa!

Look, I built you little bits of furniture in there,

you can throw them away if you like. I don't mind.

Is it OK? You look a bit disappointed.

You're the best.

Thank you. Enjoy.

-Here's the thing, Whitney, right. Here's the thing.

-You just said that.

-I'm not great at, you know...

-Speaking?

I'm not great at saying what I feel, so here goes.

I think you're pretty.

And you got a nice smile, great teeth, shiny.

Me and you could have a laugh.

I at least deserve an answer.

Will you get out the way, please?

Tiffany, come on.

-But what about my doll's house?

-We'll get it later. Sorry.

FATBOY MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES

-I swear I'll rip your head right off.

-All right, easy.

Look, man, Whitney's complicated, all right?

Especially when it comes to blokes.

She's got, you know... she's got a thing.

-What? Like a disease?

-No.

No, no, no, no, not like a disease.

Like, she's got issues with blokes, you know?

She comes across all confident and hard and brashy and that,

but really and truly she's a bit...scared of, you know...

..sex and that, bro.

-Oh, I've got you.

-Right.

-She's a virgin.

Exactly. Exactly.

You really liked him, didn't you?

Say thank you.

Thank you.

You look nice today.

-ANSWERPHONE BEEPS:

-Hi, Duncan? It's...it's me.

Well, I just phoned to say hi.

I mean, that's all really. So, I'll see you around.

Bye.

I had this mate once.

Coolest bloke in the school, he was.

Confident, good-looking.

Spent all our time together.

Going out. Talking, laughing.

First bloke I could ever really talk to.

Not like I could talk to my mum.

Or my dad for that matter.

Don't get me wrong, Ben, they were good people.

They just...didn't get me.

Didn't understand.

And he, well...he understood.

And I guess that's what I'm trying to say to you.

There are people out there that understand. That'll listen.

You know this course. I don't think I'm good enough.

Course you are, all right?

You're like the cleverest girl I know.

-You're like Michelle Obama.

-Shut up.

She's clever, but she's not all up in your face with it.

She's also twice my age.

She's got a banging body and at the end of dinner

she could divide the bill without a calculator.

Now, what more does a guy want?

What about him?

So you think he's a decent enough bloke?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah. See, that's what I thought,

but to be honest, Fats, I don't trust myself any more.

Bit of an idiot, ain't I?

You know what, if you like him, go and say hello.

-Then what?

-Then see what happens.

-See what falls out your mouth.

-That's what I'm worried about.

-Have a bit more faith in yourself, sweetheart, all right?

-Yeah.

-I'm going to do it.

-You see?

There you go.

You know what's been bugging me?

-What?

-Who's Arthur Fowler, and why did he love this place so much?

-How was your day, dear?

-What are you doing?

I'm being normal.

Go on.

Come on, kids, it's time for dinner.

Do the voice.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Come on, kids, it's time for dinner!

OK, Mummy.

-Watch the bubbles.

-Close. Nearly.

-What's the occasion?

-We're celebrating.

-Mum's moving in with you all.

Ain't that lovely?

Here we go.

-So...

-So... You go first.

-No, go on, you.

-No, it's not important.

Oh. All right then.

Nice evening, innit? I mean, for this time of year.

You really have got nice teeth.

-What about that?

-Yeah.

If we knock down the walls, we can put that in there.

What's with all the DIY stuff?

It's all under control.

I'll go, then.

He needs something, Denise. He needs something to take his mind off things.

He hasn't got anything else.

Look, you saw how happy he was doing that stupid doll's house.

It's either this or I seduce him.

No.

You're no fun, Denise.

And then she said, "I put that smile on his face."

And she meant literally. cos she was the undertaker.

That's funny.

I thought so too.

Very sudden, you moving in together.

Well, it just felt like the right thing to do.

Turns out neither of us are very good at playing it cool.

You make a really nice couple. You do.

You look really good together.

-You do realise this makes us brother and sister?

-Well, not really.

We're not actually brother and sister.

-Nothing would be taboo.

-And you and me.

You're all right. I've got enough messed-up family, thanks.

Where's Tyler?

He probably got lucky with Whitney, didn't he?

-Whitney, she's a lovely girl.

-For an ex-prostitute.

-What?

-It wasn't exactly like that.

-I think it was.

She slept with geezers for money.

That'll be a prostitute then, in my book. Don't you think, Vanessa?

More wine?

Excuse me.

If you've got something to say, say it. No?

You sit back there and treat her decently.

I won't have it, Michael.

Oh, no, no, no.

Just one for us, dear, on a school night and then off to bed.

That's not funny.

Well, being normal isn't funny, is it?

-Mandy, come on.

-No, no, no, normal girls do not like being groped.

That is why they wear cardigans.

All right. What's your point?

All right, my point is, well,

you didn't really bring me here to be normal, did you?

Cos, if that's what you wanted, you'd still be married to Jane.

Well, if there's one thing I ain't, it's normal.

So, you'll have to like it or lump it.

I want my money back.

Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Tread carefully, Vanessa, I can destroy you, you know?

Go ahead.

You could've let this go, Michael.

Now you've got a fight on your hands.

-Go on, then. Ask me, how did it go?

-How did it go?

I'm going to marry that girl. I've got a feeling. I'll marry her.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello, lover boy, I'm leaving in a sec.

I am. Listen, turning the lights out now.

I'll see you in a sec.

Put the phone down.

HE LAUGHS

No, you.

Yoo-hoo.

That's not fair. I'm unarmed. I'm unarmed.

-No, I'm not.

-THEY SQUEAL

Gotcha.

THEY SQUEAL AND LAUGH

Outside. Now.

She's not like other girls, see.

She's not a one-night thing.

Which is lucky, because she'll not put out on the first night.

-Don't know about that.

-Anthony.

-He needs to know.

I need to know what?

The thing is, Whitney's had a chequered past.

It's not easy to say this, but...

-She used to be a hooker.

-Anthony.

Well, she did.

I can make you vanish. Wouldn't be too difficult.

No-one would miss you as well.

Apart from your daughter.

Well, maybe not actually, cos she's so thick

she probably wouldn't even notice.

You don't scare me.

You don't.

You're just a playground bully.

A runt.

A man whose family can barely stand to be around him.

No-one's ever really liked you, have they, Michael?

Except maybe your mother, but, oops...

she's not around any more, is she?

She got away from you the only way she could.

Now, do us all a favour, and take your neuroses

and your twisted disgusting little mind and get lost.

I've won, and there's nothing you can do about it.

My round.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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