After hatching a plan to wind up Ian, Mandy takes great delight in punishing him for his paranoid accusations. Tyler and Whitney plan a special night in together, but are nervous.
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Hello, Queen Vic?
I thought I told you to leave me alone.
-Where've you been?!
-Close your eyes.
-Close your eyes, no peeking.
-What have you done?
Never you mind. Keep them closed. I'll tell you when. Not yet.
What do you reckon?
It's a summer dress.
Where we're going, it is summer.
Alfie, what have you done?
Apparently, in Funchal, it was 76 degrees yesterday.
So I kind of call that summer.
Tomorrow, we fly out from Luton airport. Bring it on!
-Now this is a size ten. I don't think it'll fit me.
Give me two minutes, all right?
-Right, come on!
Don't answer it. It's telesales. They've been driving me nuts all morning.
Nah, it'll be all right.
You're through to the Queen Victoria, number one pub in London.
If you'd like a pint of bitter, press one.
If you'd like to ogle our barmaids, press two.
Or if you'd like a punch-up, just press three. Beep!
Right, Sheila, get the dress on now, before I get angry. Come on!
-You're not going to the solicitor's now are you?
-I told you.
But I've got a client at the gym in 20 minutes.
I can hardly change the appointment.
-All right. Tell me all about it when you get home, yeah?
Oh, Ian, that is so you!
This, right, is called, repairing the damage.
-Gordon Baggs invited me for a game. I could hardly say no.
-I thought you'd been chucked out of that W...
-CCT, yeah. I have been chucked out.
But hopefully, by the end of this morning, I'll have been chucked back in.
-Can I come?
-No. You don't play golf.
Yeah, and I don't suppose that stops YOU.
I will be back by lunchtime.
OK. Well, don't go getting any more speeding tickets.
Is that meant to be funny?
Can I take the car for a spin when you get back?
Mandy, no, you can't! I've told you before, you're not insured, OK.
It's against the law.
Can't we break the law?
-Have you got any idea how much that car's worth?
And that's what would make it so exciting.
Oh, come on, Ian. Don't you ever want to do something a little bit reckless?
Break the rules? Go over to the dark side?
Yeah, you've got a game of golf, love.
Um, I'm going to make myself a bacon sandwich, all right?
Make sure you clear up afterwards, yeah?
And I'm going to eat it all by myself.
Very, very, very slowly.
Oi! Clear off!
Ain't a car like this more hassle than it's worth?
I can see how it... might pull the birds.
This car is not about pulling the birds.
This car is about the engineering. It's about knowing if you're in a tight spot,
you can put your foot down, 0-60, eight seconds.
That is what this car is about.
Right. Nothing to do with showing off?
I don't need to show off.
# It's the final countdown... #
Look who it is!
Oh, look what he's got!
Mrs Moon, it says here that Winston Churchill used to love going on holiday to Madeira
to concentrate on his paintings.
I heard he was a dab hand at skirting boards.
Ha-ha! But what I was thinking, right...
It's a bit, um, it's a bit small, isn't it?
Never in the field of human crumpet...
-..has so much been squeezed
into so little!
-Come on, I know you want me!
You want Mr Churchill! Yes, you do!
Come on, we've got the place to ourselves, haven't we?
Shenice is at school, little Tommy's out shopping with Jean
and Mo's probably doing some dodgy deal with Fat Elvis. Come on, it's just me and you!
# I know you want me I know you want me... #
Don't worry about that. Come on, let's go! Get up them stairs!
Why didn't you tell me you'd had a baby?
Um, let me think.
Oh, I remember.
We just got married and you ran off with a man.
-She's so peaceful.
-Try saying that at 4am when she's woken up for the 15th time.
-Have you seen the bags under my eyes?
-I look terrible.
-You look OK to me.
I feel like a bag lady.
You haven't changed.
Have you told Christian you're seeing me?
Seems like you haven't changed much either.
Is this full fat?
I asked for a skinny latte.
What's so funny?
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you, too.
So, why haven't you told him? Or can I guess?
-He thinks I'm seeing a solicitor.
-Look, don't freak out, it won't come to that, but...
-You know, it would be good.
If Christian and I could have her to stay. Maybe one afternoon a week.
Nuh-huh. There is no way I am letting that man anywhere my baby.
-It's not like she'll come to any harm.
Oh, come on, what did you expect?
I mean, it's not like you can't see her from time to time, like this.
BABY WAILS Oh! What's wrong? What's wrong?
-Are you getting hungry?
-(Hey. Hey, come here.)
Would you mind just holding her for a sec while I get some food?
(Come on, Yas.)
(That's a girl.)
(Come on, baby.)
It was a bit like being propositioned by Minnie Mouse.
Jean came on to you?
It was a very strange conversation. Left me worried.
What? That you'd turn around and find you'd accidentally trodden on her?
So, tell me, what is the Jean Slater seduction technique?
She skipped that and went straight onto the "why don't we live together?" bit.
You know she's completely nuts.
What are you saying? She has to be, wanting to live with me?
No, really. She's got a condition.
It's not the condition that's the problem. Let's face it,
we all have our moments.
So what, then?
Well, let me put it this way, Pat - she hasn't got what you've got.
Norman, are you never going to stop asking?
-Are you never going to stop saying no?
Remember Frank's first rule of salesmanship?
"No" is the first step on the road to "yes".
And finally, Whitney.
"Like all Sagittarians, you have a tendency to worry too much.
"As though you're standing on the end of a springboard,
"frightened to take the plunge.
"But just for once, put your worries to one side.
"Come on in. The water's lovely."
-No need to guess what you two will be up to this afternoon.
Right. Time to go make some money.
I'll see you later.
Yeah, see you later.
Right, what've I said?
-I just wish you wouldn't say things like that.
-Just don't, all right.
You're saying you two haven't...?
Lauren, I don't want to talk about it, OK.
Right. Is this cos of the whole...Rob thing?
Why, when I say I don't want to talk about it, d'you just carry on?
Hey, hey, ladies. What's with the handbags?
I've got to go to work.
Right. Well, she just went for me.
She's hung up on the whole Tyler thing
and cos of what happened last spring.
Come on, you know what I mean?
Tyler's gorgeous. I wouldn't think twice.
Right. What have I said now?
Why do you always go for the ones you can't have?
# Let's all sing like the birdies sing
# Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet
# Let's all sing like the birdies sing
# Sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet
# Let's all warble like nightingales
# Give your throat a treat
# Take your time from the birds now you all know your words
# Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet... #
Am I late?
No, we just started early. Actually, it's good you're here.
I think you know Roxy, don't you?
-I think she might be a little bit shy.
Could you go and have a word? Try and make her feel a bit more at home?
Yeah. All right?
All right. Just been sent over here?
-No? Looked like it.
You kind of do look a bit all on your own.
Ah. It's called "on purpose", Whitney.
-Come on, join in, it's fun.
-Can I ask you a question?
Do you really want to do this for a living?
Yeah, that's the plan.
So you'd be here, like, everyday?
Yeah. Five days a week.
-Cos I like kids.
Whitney? What's all this about you and Tyler Moon?
'After 50 years of living together,
'can you agree on which item will bring the biggest profit?
SMOKE ALARMS BEEPS
Oh! Come on!
-It's the smoke alarm. I can't turn it off.
Listen, Fats, I'm not doing anything today.
-So, if you're feeling a bit,
I dunno, about the whole Whitney thing,
maybe we could hang out if you like.
-As friends, I mean.
Better than us both being alone and feeling miserable, isn't it?
-Hold tight. So what you telling me? You pity me now?
You know what, Lauren, I got work, yeah. Maybe tomorrow or something.
-We'll fix something up, then, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah...
You weren't pushing the button hard enough.
Really? Not like me.
Well, I'm a weak and helpless woman
that just needs a big, strong man to come and rescue me.
Since when has Ian Beale been big and strong?
I wasn't talking about Ian. Fancy a coffee?
SYED MIMICS AEROPLANE DRONE
Sorry to break up the party, but we really should be heading back.
Dad'll be wondering where I am.
How's it been? Living with him?
Oh. Dad's OK. I could do without the wagging tongues, though.
You know, the looks. The whispers.
"Couldn't keep a husband, poor girl. She turned him gay," you know.
I can't get over how lovely she is.
-D'you want me to take a picture?
Listen, I've been doing some sums, working out how much I can afford.
-No need. Dad looks after us.
-I want to help.
It's just I don't have many friends.
You know, real friends.
It's good to have someone to talk to.
Excuse me, would you mind taking a picture of the three of us?
-The three of us?
-I want to be in it too.
So are we going to do this again?
Only I don't want to lie.
So I've decided.
I'm going to tell Christian.
The minute I get back.
He won't like it, but it's better he hears now than later on.
I'm not going to change my mind about him seeing her.
I'll sort it.
I've never really been one to join in the club, you know what I mean?
That's not so uncommon.
You know that we run a single parents' support group on Wednesdays?
No, no, no, I don't need a single parents' support group. Cheers.
Right. What, then?
It's just when I see all these women and their perfect smiles
and their perfect children
and their little birds that go "tweet, tweet, tweet"
something inside of me just wants to scream.
Does that make me such a bad person?
No. I know that being a parent can sometimes be...
No. It's not your fault. Don't take it personally, OK.
Don't take it personally, but when I come here
it is literally like aliens have landed, they've taken over
and nobody knows about it but me.
Amy! Shall we get you a big, fat lolly?
We're going to stick you in front of the telly for the rest of the day.
Ian Beale is so transparent.
He gets himself sort of gold-digging bimbo for a girlfriend
and the next thing, he's got a ridiculous sports car
-parked outside his house.
-You're hardly one to talk.
Of course, I'm sorry, I'm forgetting.
You're the loyal, devoted mother and wife these days, aren't you?
Ah, Mrs Moon, if you'd care to come upstairs,
where lunch is now being served.
We have beans a la Moon, poached in their own rich tomato sauce,
and drizzled over slightly buttered pain grille.
That's medium toast to you, darling.
-What's the matter? I thought we were having a real nice day.
I'm just a bit premenstrual.
I'll be all right in a minute.
OK. Is there something you're not telling me?
Just that I love you.
I don't tell you enough, do I?
-Beans are going to get cold.
You got the heating on in the bedroom?
-When I need your advice, I'll ask for it.
-Have you tidied the bathroom?
-Why would I do that?
-Do you want her to think you're a total slob?
-Just do it.
Hmm... Well, er, most important thing.
Will you stop fussing? It's not like I've not done this before.
Why you so nervous, then?
This has got to go right.
Too many false starts.
I want it to be perfect.
Look, just relax, yeah? Be yourself.
Tell me everything when I get back, all right? Have fun. Enjoy it!
Nah, I better go.
You're a right barrel of laughs, you, ain't ya?
Well, I've just been to see my wife. In prison.
So that might have something to do with it.
How'd it go?
Yeah, not too good. Seeing as she wouldn't even see me, so...
Come on, stay for another. See if I can't find you some biccies.
Why do you want me here, anyway?
The look on Ian's face, I guess.
See you later.
Listen, I am sorry about your wife. Come here.
MUSIC BLARES FROM IAN'S CAR
Do you really think that is the kind of thing to impress a girl?
Pat, this is about me. OK? It's got nothing to do with Mandy.
I've wanted one of these for ages.
What would your Mum say if she was still with us?
I think she'd be proud. She'd be impressed.
If it makes me happy, what is wrong with that?
If you go round, sit behind the wheel, see how it fits, bruv.
TV SWITCHES ON
FRONT DOOR OPENS
Hi, sweetheart. How'd you get on?
-What was he doing here?
-You know what I'm talking about.
How was golf? Did you win?
What the hell was he doing here?!
I'm not going to talk to you if you use that tone of voice with me.
-I asked you a question!
-SWITCHES TV OFF
Yeah, go on.
I like it when you get all fierce.
And if you wasn't such a shrimp, I'd almost find it sexy.
Well, come on! Say something!
What is stopping you?!
All this stuff starts flying out my mouth
and I'm like, "Did I really just say that!" I can't go back there!
I think it's hilarious.
Please don't, Christian, don't! I'm going to be one of those bad mums that you read about.
She's going to grow up resenting me, I'm going to resent her back,
and then when she's pregnant or in borstal, they're going to say it was my fault.
I tell you what. Instead of going home and getting fed up and bored,
why don't I take my two favourite ladies for a little bit of fun?
You are so sweet.
-You know Ian's taken up with this Mandy?
-Yeah. What about it?
Strange girl, ain't she?
If the smoke alarm hadn't gone off, he'd have never even been here.
Why would I even look at another man when you've been so good to me?
The mess in the kitchen!
You haven't even told me about the golf.
I lost on purpose.
So are they going to invite you back?
Is Ian going to be a respectable member of the WCCT again?
Why'd you do it, Mandy?
Is this all deliberate?
Do you get some sort of weird kick out of winding me up? Is that it?
I'm just trying to be friendly here.
If you want to be friends,
how about clearing that mess up before I get downstairs?
-Where are you going?
-To get changed.
Not out of your sweater, surely?
Not when you look so irresistible.
-You all right?
-You all right, Fats. You got the time?
-Yeah. 1.20pm, bruv.
-Fingers crossed, then.
What's that about?
My brother and his bird.
Let's hope he gets it right this time.
What you doing?
Just making it...romantic?
What sort of music do you like?
# I want to get with you
# I see you in the club You showing thugs love
# I want to get with you... ½
So... "Come on in. The water's lovely."
That's why I bought this.
No, I'd rather not.
-Come on, it'll loosen you up.
-I don't need loosening up.
I think you do. I think we both do.
I'll get a couple of glasses.
Why do you want to get me bladdered?
-I never said I did.
-Well, what's with the vodka?
Like I say, just to relax us a bit.
What have I done?
It's not you.
I thought we liked each other. Or have I got that wrong?
So what's the problem?
Please don't touch me.
What am I supposed to have done?
Is it the music?
SWITCHES MUSIC OFF
-Do you want the curtains open?
-I need to go home.
Is it cos you think someone's going to come in?
-I really don't want to do this any more.
I can do what I want, all right!
Would you rather go upstairs?
Is it cos it reminds ya?
Sorry? Of what?
It's not like I'm a punter. I respect you.
It looks like it.
I think you're fantastic and if you'd rather do this another time...
I'm sorry, I don't need to hear this.
Whitney, please. I didn't mean anything by it.
Just go away! I don't want to be anywhere near you any more.
Come on, Uncle Christian. Oh! He did it!
Uncle Christian's so clever!
-Look who's home!
-All right, Syed, want to join in?
Yeah, in a minute, maybe.
So, come on, then.
-How was the solicitor?
Come on, let's try another one. See if I can do it. Ready?
For the inspection of my lord and master.
Now get yourself upstairs.
-Mandy, it's not like I don't realise what you're up to.
And what am I up to exactly?
Get upstairs. Get undressed.
-What do you think I am?
-Mandy, I know what you are.
-You want to know what I think about your damned car?
Everybody! Outside now! You do not want to miss this.
Mandy, please! Stop it!
Mandy, please don't do this! This is ridiculous!
Come on, look, I'm sorry!
-All right, all right.
-Mandy, for goodness sake!
Come on Mandy, please just stop it. No!
It's not my car. Yeah, I rented it.
Well, in that case...
Mandy, come on, don't you think you've done enough?!
No, Mandy please, no!
That...that was fantastic.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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Ian plays golf with Gordon Baggs, hoping to get back into the WCCT. Mandy asks for Jack’s help when she sets off the smoke alarm. Jack’s unhappy because Ronnie refused to see him when he visited. Mandy keeps Jack talking until she sees Ian’s car pull up. Ian’s sure Mandy’s trying to wind him up. Mandy’s outraged when Ian instructs her to get upstairs and get undressed. Taking a golf club, she smashes up Ian’s car. Janine films it, having called everyone out of the Vic to watch. When Ian admits the car’s rented, Mandy throws paint at it.
Lauren discovers that Fatboy fancies Whitney. Tyler and Whitney are both nervous about having sex, but when Tyler produces a bottle of vodka and insists Whitney needs loosening up, it’s too much for her. She kisses him fiercely and then backs off. She leaves and insists she doesn’t want to be anywhere near Tyler after he tries to reassure her he respects her, he’s not a punter.
Claiming he has a solicitor’s appointment, Syed meets Amira and Yasmin in the park. Syed and Amira get on well. Amira asks a passer-by to take a photo. They agree to meet again, but Amira’s adamant she won’t let Christian see Yasmin. Later, despite telling Amira he’s going to stop lying to Christian, Syed tells him the solicitor’s appointment went well. Kat’s on edge after Mark phones. Alfie reveals they’re going on holiday to Madeira. His high spirits cheer Kat up, until Janine makes a snide comment about her being a devoted wife. Alfie’s confused when Kat tells him she’s sorry, she quickly claims she’s pre-menstrual. At playgroup, Whitney’s asked to persuade Roxy to join in. Later, Christian’s amused when Roxy relates how she managed to annoy playgroup leader Sophie.