18/10/2011 EastEnders


18/10/2011

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello, Queen Vic?

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I thought I told you to leave me alone.

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-Ah!

-Where've you been?!

-Close your eyes.

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-Close your eyes, no peeking.

-What have you done?

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Never you mind. Keep them closed. I'll tell you when. Not yet.

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Right. Open.

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What do you reckon?

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It's a summer dress.

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Where we're going, it is summer.

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Alfie, what have you done?

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Apparently, in Funchal, it was 76 degrees yesterday.

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So I kind of call that summer.

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Tomorrow, we fly out from Luton airport. Bring it on!

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-Alfie!

-Now this is a size ten. I don't think it'll fit me.

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Give me two minutes, all right?

0:01:060:01:08

-Right, come on!

-PHONE RINGS

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Don't answer it. It's telesales. They've been driving me nuts all morning.

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Nah, it'll be all right.

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Hello?

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You're through to the Queen Victoria, number one pub in London.

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If you'd like a pint of bitter, press one.

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If you'd like to ogle our barmaids, press two.

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Or if you'd like a punch-up, just press three. Beep!

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THEY LAUGH

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Right, Sheila, get the dress on now, before I get angry. Come on!

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-You're not going to the solicitor's now are you?

-I told you.

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But I've got a client at the gym in 20 minutes.

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I can hardly change the appointment.

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-All right. Tell me all about it when you get home, yeah?

-Yeah.

-See you.

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Oh, Ian, that is so you!

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This, right, is called, repairing the damage.

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-Sorry?

-Gordon Baggs invited me for a game. I could hardly say no.

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-I thought you'd been chucked out of that W...

-CCT, yeah. I have been chucked out.

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But hopefully, by the end of this morning, I'll have been chucked back in.

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-Can I come?

-No. You don't play golf.

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Yeah, and I don't suppose that stops YOU.

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I will be back by lunchtime.

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OK. Well, don't go getting any more speeding tickets.

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Is that meant to be funny?

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Can I take the car for a spin when you get back?

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Mandy, no, you can't! I've told you before, you're not insured, OK.

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It's against the law.

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Can't we break the law?

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-Have you got any idea how much that car's worth?

-Mm-hm.

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And that's what would make it so exciting.

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Oh, come on, Ian. Don't you ever want to do something a little bit reckless?

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Break the rules? Go over to the dark side?

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Yeah, you've got a game of golf, love.

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Um, I'm going to make myself a bacon sandwich, all right?

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Make sure you clear up afterwards, yeah?

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And I'm going to eat it all by myself.

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Very, very, very slowly.

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Oi! Clear off!

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Ain't a car like this more hassle than it's worth?

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I can see how it... might pull the birds.

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This car is not about pulling the birds.

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This car is about the engineering. It's about knowing if you're in a tight spot,

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you can put your foot down, 0-60, eight seconds.

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That is what this car is about.

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Right. Nothing to do with showing off?

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I don't need to show off.

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# It's the final countdown... #

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Look who it is!

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It's Daddy!

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Oh, look what he's got!

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Mrs Moon, it says here that Winston Churchill used to love going on holiday to Madeira

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to concentrate on his paintings.

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I heard he was a dab hand at skirting boards.

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Ha-ha! But what I was thinking, right...

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Whooee-whooee! Woof-woof!

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It's a bit, um, it's a bit small, isn't it?

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Never in the field of human crumpet...

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-What?

-..has so much been squeezed

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into so little!

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-THEY LAUGH

-Come on, I know you want me!

-Stop!

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You want Mr Churchill! Yes, you do!

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Come on, we've got the place to ourselves, haven't we?

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Shenice is at school, little Tommy's out shopping with Jean

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and Mo's probably doing some dodgy deal with Fat Elvis. Come on, it's just me and you!

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# I know you want me I know you want me... #

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PHONE RINGS

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Don't worry about that. Come on, let's go! Get up them stairs!

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Why didn't you tell me you'd had a baby?

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Um, let me think.

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Oh, I remember.

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We just got married and you ran off with a man.

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-She's so peaceful.

-Try saying that at 4am when she's woken up for the 15th time.

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-Have you seen the bags under my eyes?

-What bags?

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-I look terrible.

-You look OK to me.

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I feel like a bag lady.

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What?

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You haven't changed.

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Have you told Christian you're seeing me?

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Seems like you haven't changed much either.

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Ew!

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Is this full fat?

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I asked for a skinny latte.

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Oh!

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What's so funny?

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Nothing.

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It's good to see you.

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It's good to see you, too.

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So, why haven't you told him? Or can I guess?

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-He thinks I'm seeing a solicitor.

-What about?

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Access rights.

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-What?

-Look, don't freak out, it won't come to that, but...

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-You know, it would be good.

-What would?

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If Christian and I could have her to stay. Maybe one afternoon a week.

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Nuh-huh. There is no way I am letting that man anywhere my baby.

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-It's not like she'll come to any harm.

-Syed, no!

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Oh, come on, what did you expect?

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I mean, it's not like you can't see her from time to time, like this.

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BABY WAILS Oh! What's wrong? What's wrong?

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-Are you getting hungry?

-(Hey. Hey, come here.)

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Would you mind just holding her for a sec while I get some food?

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BABY WAILS

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(Hey!)

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(Come on, Yas.)

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(That's a girl.)

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(Come on, baby.)

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It was a bit like being propositioned by Minnie Mouse.

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Jean came on to you?

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It was a very strange conversation. Left me worried.

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What? That you'd turn around and find you'd accidentally trodden on her?

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So, tell me, what is the Jean Slater seduction technique?

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She skipped that and went straight onto the "why don't we live together?" bit.

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You know she's completely nuts.

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What are you saying? She has to be, wanting to live with me?

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No, really. She's got a condition.

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It's not the condition that's the problem. Let's face it,

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we all have our moments.

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So what, then?

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Well, let me put it this way, Pat - she hasn't got what you've got.

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Norman, are you never going to stop asking?

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-Are you never going to stop saying no?

-Norman...

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Remember Frank's first rule of salesmanship?

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"No" is the first step on the road to "yes".

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And finally, Whitney.

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"Like all Sagittarians, you have a tendency to worry too much.

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"As though you're standing on the end of a springboard,

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"frightened to take the plunge.

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"But just for once, put your worries to one side.

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"Come on in. The water's lovely."

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-No need to guess what you two will be up to this afternoon.

-Lauren.

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Right. Time to go make some money.

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I'll see you later.

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Yeah, see you later.

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Right, what've I said?

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-Whitney?

-I just wish you wouldn't say things like that.

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-Like what?

-Just don't, all right.

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You're saying you two haven't...?

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Lauren, I don't want to talk about it, OK.

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Right. Is this cos of the whole...Rob thing?

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Why, when I say I don't want to talk about it, d'you just carry on?

0:09:380:09:42

Hey, hey, ladies. What's with the handbags?

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I've got to go to work.

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Right. Well, she just went for me.

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Why?

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She's hung up on the whole Tyler thing

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and cos of what happened last spring.

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Come on, you know what I mean?

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Tyler's gorgeous. I wouldn't think twice.

0:10:010:10:03

Right. What have I said now?

0:10:060:10:09

Uh... Fats.

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Why do you always go for the ones you can't have?

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# Let's all sing like the birdies sing

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# Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet

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# Let's all sing like the birdies sing

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# Sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet

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# Let's all warble like nightingales

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# Give your throat a treat

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# Take your time from the birds now you all know your words

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# Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet... #

0:10:420:10:43

Am I late?

0:10:430:10:44

No, we just started early. Actually, it's good you're here.

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I think you know Roxy, don't you?

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Vaguely.

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-I think she might be a little bit shy.

-Roxy? Shy?

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Could you go and have a word? Try and make her feel a bit more at home?

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Yeah. All right?

0:11:000:11:02

All right. Just been sent over here?

0:11:020:11:05

-No.

-No? Looked like it.

0:11:050:11:07

You kind of do look a bit all on your own.

0:11:070:11:10

Ah. It's called "on purpose", Whitney.

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-Come on, join in, it's fun.

-Can I ask you a question?

0:11:120:11:16

Do you really want to do this for a living?

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Yeah, that's the plan.

0:11:190:11:22

So you'd be here, like, everyday?

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Yeah. Five days a week.

0:11:240:11:25

-Why?

-Cos I like kids.

0:11:250:11:28

Whitney? What's all this about you and Tyler Moon?

0:11:290:11:34

'After 50 years of living together,

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'can you agree on which item will bring the biggest profit?

0:11:400:11:44

SMOKE ALARMS BEEPS

0:11:440:11:47

Oh! Oh!

0:11:480:11:50

Oh! Come on!

0:12:000:12:02

Jack!

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Come here.

0:12:340:12:35

-What's wrong?

-It's the smoke alarm. I can't turn it off.

0:12:370:12:40

Listen, Fats, I'm not doing anything today.

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-So?

-So, if you're feeling a bit,

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I dunno, about the whole Whitney thing,

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maybe we could hang out if you like.

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-As friends, I mean.

-Friends?

0:12:560:12:58

Better than us both being alone and feeling miserable, isn't it?

0:12:580:13:02

-Hold tight. So what you telling me? You pity me now?

-No!

0:13:020:13:05

You know what, Lauren, I got work, yeah. Maybe tomorrow or something.

0:13:050:13:09

-We'll fix something up, then, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah...

0:13:090:13:12

You weren't pushing the button hard enough.

0:13:230:13:25

Really? Not like me.

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Well, I'm a weak and helpless woman

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that just needs a big, strong man to come and rescue me.

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Since when has Ian Beale been big and strong?

0:13:340:13:37

I wasn't talking about Ian. Fancy a coffee?

0:13:370:13:40

SYED MIMICS AEROPLANE DRONE

0:13:430:13:45

Sorry to break up the party, but we really should be heading back.

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Dad'll be wondering where I am.

0:13:520:13:55

How's it been? Living with him?

0:13:550:13:58

Oh. Dad's OK. I could do without the wagging tongues, though.

0:13:580:14:02

Wagging tongues?

0:14:020:14:03

You know, the looks. The whispers.

0:14:030:14:06

"Couldn't keep a husband, poor girl. She turned him gay," you know.

0:14:060:14:11

I can't get over how lovely she is.

0:14:190:14:21

-D'you want me to take a picture?

-Yeah.

0:14:230:14:26

Listen, I've been doing some sums, working out how much I can afford.

0:14:290:14:32

-No need. Dad looks after us.

-I want to help.

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SHE SIGHS

0:14:340:14:37

What?

0:14:370:14:38

It's just I don't have many friends.

0:14:380:14:42

You know, real friends.

0:14:420:14:43

It's good to have someone to talk to.

0:14:440:14:46

Excuse me, would you mind taking a picture of the three of us?

0:14:500:14:53

-The three of us?

-I want to be in it too.

0:14:530:14:56

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

0:15:010:15:03

So are we going to do this again?

0:15:070:15:09

Yeah.

0:15:160:15:17

Only I don't want to lie.

0:15:200:15:21

So I've decided.

0:15:230:15:24

I'm going to tell Christian.

0:15:240:15:26

The minute I get back.

0:15:270:15:28

He won't like it, but it's better he hears now than later on.

0:15:280:15:32

I'm not going to change my mind about him seeing her.

0:15:320:15:36

I'll sort it.

0:15:390:15:41

I've never really been one to join in the club, you know what I mean?

0:15:410:15:44

That's not so uncommon.

0:15:440:15:46

You know that we run a single parents' support group on Wednesdays?

0:15:460:15:49

No, no, no, I don't need a single parents' support group. Cheers.

0:15:490:15:52

Right. What, then?

0:15:520:15:55

It's just when I see all these women and their perfect smiles

0:15:550:16:00

and their perfect children

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and their little birds that go "tweet, tweet, tweet"

0:16:020:16:05

something inside of me just wants to scream.

0:16:050:16:08

Does that make me such a bad person?

0:16:080:16:10

No. I know that being a parent can sometimes be...

0:16:100:16:12

No. It's not your fault. Don't take it personally, OK.

0:16:120:16:16

Don't take it personally, but when I come here

0:16:160:16:20

it is literally like aliens have landed, they've taken over

0:16:200:16:24

and nobody knows about it but me.

0:16:240:16:25

Amy! Shall we get you a big, fat lolly?

0:16:280:16:29

We're going to stick you in front of the telly for the rest of the day.

0:16:290:16:32

Ian Beale is so transparent.

0:16:400:16:42

He gets himself sort of gold-digging bimbo for a girlfriend

0:16:420:16:46

and the next thing, he's got a ridiculous sports car

0:16:460:16:48

-parked outside his house.

-You're hardly one to talk.

0:16:480:16:52

Of course, I'm sorry, I'm forgetting.

0:16:520:16:54

You're the loyal, devoted mother and wife these days, aren't you?

0:16:540:16:57

Ah, Mrs Moon, if you'd care to come upstairs,

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where lunch is now being served.

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We have beans a la Moon, poached in their own rich tomato sauce,

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and drizzled over slightly buttered pain grille.

0:17:140:17:17

That's medium toast to you, darling.

0:17:170:17:19

Kat?

0:17:210:17:22

Sorry.

0:17:230:17:25

-What's the matter? I thought we were having a real nice day.

-We are.

0:17:250:17:30

I'm just a bit premenstrual.

0:17:320:17:34

I'll be all right in a minute.

0:17:340:17:36

OK. Is there something you're not telling me?

0:17:360:17:41

Just that I love you.

0:17:430:17:46

I don't tell you enough, do I?

0:17:460:17:49

-Come here.

-Beans are going to get cold.

0:17:500:17:52

Come here.

0:17:520:17:53

You got the heating on in the bedroom?

0:18:010:18:03

-When I need your advice, I'll ask for it.

-Have you tidied the bathroom?

0:18:030:18:06

-Why would I do that?

-Do you want her to think you're a total slob?

0:18:060:18:09

-Breathe out.

-Why?

-Just do it.

0:18:090:18:13

Hmm... Well, er, most important thing.

0:18:160:18:19

Will you stop fussing? It's not like I've not done this before.

0:18:190:18:22

Why you so nervous, then?

0:18:220:18:24

This has got to go right.

0:18:270:18:29

Too many false starts.

0:18:290:18:30

I want it to be perfect.

0:18:330:18:34

Look, just relax, yeah? Be yourself.

0:18:340:18:36

Tell me everything when I get back, all right? Have fun. Enjoy it!

0:18:370:18:41

Fancy another?

0:18:510:18:53

Nah, I better go.

0:18:530:18:55

You're a right barrel of laughs, you, ain't ya?

0:18:550:18:58

Well, I've just been to see my wife. In prison.

0:18:580:19:01

So that might have something to do with it.

0:19:010:19:03

How'd it go?

0:19:030:19:04

Yeah, not too good. Seeing as she wouldn't even see me, so...

0:19:040:19:09

Come on, stay for another. See if I can't find you some biccies.

0:19:090:19:13

Why do you want me here, anyway?

0:19:130:19:16

The look on Ian's face, I guess.

0:19:180:19:20

See you later.

0:19:220:19:23

Listen, I am sorry about your wife. Come here.

0:19:250:19:30

MUSIC BLARES FROM IAN'S CAR

0:19:370:19:40

Do you really think that is the kind of thing to impress a girl?

0:19:470:19:50

Pat, this is about me. OK? It's got nothing to do with Mandy.

0:19:500:19:53

I've wanted one of these for ages.

0:19:530:19:55

What would your Mum say if she was still with us?

0:19:550:19:58

I think she'd be proud. She'd be impressed.

0:19:580:20:00

Oh, Ian.

0:20:000:20:02

If it makes me happy, what is wrong with that?

0:20:020:20:04

Pah!

0:20:040:20:05

If you go round, sit behind the wheel, see how it fits, bruv.

0:20:140:20:16

TV SWITCHES ON

0:20:460:20:48

FRONT DOOR OPENS

0:20:480:20:50

Hi, sweetheart. How'd you get on?

0:20:500:20:53

-What was he doing here?

-Sorry?

-You know what I'm talking about.

0:20:530:20:59

How was golf? Did you win?

0:20:590:21:02

What the hell was he doing here?!

0:21:020:21:03

I'm not going to talk to you if you use that tone of voice with me.

0:21:030:21:06

-I asked you a question!

-SWITCHES TV OFF

0:21:060:21:08

Yeah, go on.

0:21:080:21:10

I like it when you get all fierce.

0:21:100:21:11

And if you wasn't such a shrimp, I'd almost find it sexy.

0:21:110:21:14

Well, come on! Say something!

0:21:140:21:17

What is stopping you?!

0:21:180:21:20

All this stuff starts flying out my mouth

0:21:330:21:35

and I'm like, "Did I really just say that!" I can't go back there!

0:21:350:21:37

I think it's hilarious.

0:21:370:21:39

Please don't, Christian, don't! I'm going to be one of those bad mums that you read about.

0:21:390:21:43

She's going to grow up resenting me, I'm going to resent her back,

0:21:430:21:46

and then when she's pregnant or in borstal, they're going to say it was my fault.

0:21:460:21:50

I tell you what. Instead of going home and getting fed up and bored,

0:21:500:21:53

why don't I take my two favourite ladies for a little bit of fun?

0:21:530:21:57

You are so sweet.

0:21:570:21:58

I know.

0:21:580:22:00

-Cheers.

-Hello.

0:22:020:22:03

All right?

0:22:030:22:05

What?

0:22:050:22:07

-You know Ian's taken up with this Mandy?

-Yeah. What about it?

0:22:080:22:11

Strange girl, ain't she?

0:22:110:22:14

If the smoke alarm hadn't gone off, he'd have never even been here.

0:22:140:22:18

Why would I even look at another man when you've been so good to me?

0:22:180:22:22

The mess in the kitchen!

0:22:220:22:24

You haven't even told me about the golf.

0:22:240:22:26

I lost on purpose.

0:22:260:22:28

So are they going to invite you back?

0:22:280:22:30

Is Ian going to be a respectable member of the WCCT again?

0:22:300:22:36

Why'd you do it, Mandy?

0:22:360:22:37

Is this all deliberate?

0:22:390:22:41

Do you get some sort of weird kick out of winding me up? Is that it?

0:22:410:22:44

I'm just trying to be friendly here.

0:22:460:22:48

If you want to be friends,

0:22:480:22:50

how about clearing that mess up before I get downstairs?

0:22:500:22:53

-Where are you going?

-To get changed.

0:22:540:22:56

Not out of your sweater, surely?

0:22:560:22:59

Not when you look so irresistible.

0:22:590:23:03

-You all right?

-You all right, Fats. You got the time?

0:23:060:23:09

-Yeah. 1.20pm, bruv.

-Fingers crossed, then.

0:23:090:23:12

What's that about?

0:23:120:23:14

My brother and his bird.

0:23:140:23:16

Let's hope he gets it right this time.

0:23:160:23:18

Yeah.

0:23:190:23:21

What you doing?

0:23:370:23:39

Just making it...romantic?

0:23:400:23:43

Oh.

0:23:440:23:46

What sort of music do you like?

0:23:460:23:48

You choose.

0:23:480:23:49

# I want to get with you

0:23:540:23:57

# I see you in the club You showing thugs love

0:23:570:24:01

# I want to get with you... ½

0:24:010:24:03

So... "Come on in. The water's lovely."

0:24:030:24:06

You nervous?

0:24:100:24:11

-Yeah.

-Me too.

0:24:130:24:14

That's why I bought this.

0:24:160:24:17

No, I'd rather not.

0:24:200:24:22

-Come on, it'll loosen you up.

-I don't need loosening up.

0:24:220:24:25

I think you do. I think we both do.

0:24:250:24:28

I'll get a couple of glasses.

0:24:290:24:31

Why do you want to get me bladdered?

0:24:420:24:44

-I never said I did.

-Well, what's with the vodka?

0:24:440:24:47

Like I say, just to relax us a bit.

0:24:470:24:50

Come on.

0:24:510:24:52

What have I done?

0:25:100:25:11

It's not you.

0:25:120:25:14

I thought we liked each other. Or have I got that wrong?

0:25:140:25:16

So what's the problem?

0:25:160:25:18

Please don't touch me.

0:25:180:25:20

What am I supposed to have done?

0:25:200:25:22

Is it the music?

0:25:220:25:23

SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

0:25:250:25:26

-Do you want the curtains open?

-I need to go home.

0:25:260:25:28

Is it cos you think someone's going to come in?

0:25:280:25:30

-I really don't want to do this any more.

-OK, but...

0:25:300:25:33

I can do what I want, all right!

0:25:330:25:34

Would you rather go upstairs?

0:25:340:25:37

No! No.

0:25:370:25:39

Is it cos it reminds ya?

0:25:410:25:42

Sorry? Of what?

0:25:420:25:45

It's not like I'm a punter. I respect you.

0:25:450:25:49

It looks like it.

0:25:490:25:50

I think you're fantastic and if you'd rather do this another time...

0:25:500:25:53

I'm sorry, I don't need to hear this.

0:25:530:25:57

Whitney, please. I didn't mean anything by it.

0:26:160:26:19

Just go away! I don't want to be anywhere near you any more.

0:26:190:26:25

Come on, Uncle Christian. Oh! He did it!

0:26:420:26:46

Uncle Christian's so clever!

0:26:460:26:47

-Look who's home!

-All right, Syed, want to join in?

0:26:470:26:51

Yeah, in a minute, maybe.

0:26:510:26:52

So, come on, then.

0:26:520:26:54

-How was the solicitor?

-Fine.

0:26:540:26:59

Come on, let's try another one. See if I can do it. Ready?

0:27:020:27:05

For the inspection of my lord and master.

0:27:130:27:16

All right.

0:27:160:27:19

Now get yourself upstairs.

0:27:190:27:20

-You what?

-Mandy, it's not like I don't realise what you're up to.

0:27:200:27:25

And what am I up to exactly?

0:27:260:27:29

Get upstairs. Get undressed.

0:27:290:27:31

-What do you think I am?

-Mandy, I know what you are.

0:27:320:27:35

Mandy!

0:27:470:27:48

-Mandy. Mandy!

-You want to know what I think about your damned car?

0:27:480:27:54

-Oh, wow!

-Mandy!

0:27:540:27:56

Everybody! Outside now! You do not want to miss this.

0:27:570:28:01

Mandy, please! Stop it!

0:28:010:28:03

Mandy, no!

0:28:030:28:04

Mandy, please don't do this! This is ridiculous!

0:28:040:28:07

Come on, look, I'm sorry!

0:28:070:28:09

-Get away!

-All right, all right.

0:28:090:28:11

-Fabulous.

-Mandy, for goodness sake!

0:28:110:28:14

Come on Mandy, please just stop it. No!

0:28:140:28:17

It's not my car. Yeah, I rented it.

0:28:170:28:22

Well, in that case...

0:28:220:28:24

Mandy, come on, don't you think you've done enough?!

0:28:240:28:26

No, Mandy please, no!

0:28:260:28:28

EVERYONE GASPS

0:28:280:28:30

That...that was fantastic.

0:28:300:28:35

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:560:29:00

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0:29:000:29:05

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