13/12/2011 EastEnders

What are "repossession proceedings"?

You shouldn't read other people's letters.

It means if Nanna Pat don't pay the loan company by Friday,

we're out on the streets.

-Liam!

-It's true, though, innit, Nan?

-I should've throttled her.

-That would've been one for the scrapbook.

Dunno why I let you stop me.

Because throttling guests, as a rule, doesn't make a party go with a swing.

-They say, "Look for someone with a motive." She definitely had a motive.

-Phil!

-What?

-All the people you've hacked off over the years, everybody had a motive.

But they didn't have these in their handbag.

Let me do this one more time...

Heather is a bear with a very little brain.

She was put on this earth to suffer.

She doesn't do revenge, she moans.

The idea that she'd have the nous to go to a printer's

and get all these fancy letters and labels,

when she could be at home sucking on a cheese sandwich,

watching Britain's Next Top Model, is ludicrous.

So according to you, there's some criminal mastermind

going round deliberately planting all this evidence - to do what, hmm? Make me paranoid?

Well, someone's definitely playing you. So far, they're doing a good job.

-Should've let me have a quiet word with her.

-Two minutes ago, you wanted to throttle her.

-Then we wouldn't be having this conversation.

-Last night you agreed she was set up -

what's changed since now and then?

-It's doing my head in - that's what's changed!

-Let me go and speak to her.

-She won't tell the truth!

-She might give us a clue to who's behind it.

Well, why didn't we do that last night, eh?

Because the chances are, whoever's doing this

was here last night and that's exactly what they wanted.

Just take a deep breath. Think of your blood pressure.

Phil, don't do anything. Let me go talk to Heather.

I'll sort it out.

The car?

A certain young lady was sick on my back seat last night.

Talking about you, young lady.

Yeah! It stinks in there, so if you could work your magic, Heather,

that'd be much appreciated.

-Yeah, all right, yeah.

-Cheers.

Bye, Amy.

Come on. This ain't the deal, is it?

Eh?

Ain't going to get any toast if you don't eat any of this.

No? For Daddy? Should Daddy do it? Yeah?

Then you do it, yeah?

-Is that Heather?

-Ah!

Sorry. You all right?

Andrew! What you doing here?

-Don't worry - you're safe. I've just popped to see me mum. She in?

-Er...

That's never your car, is it?

Oh. No, no, It's the bloke I clean for.

His daughter was sick in it last night.

Lovely.

I'll let you get on.

Ahh!

-Hold tight. Your mum showed me a picture of you.

-Who are you?

-Fat Boy.

-What'd you say?

-Me Fat Boy, you Andrew, right?

-Is she in or what?

She's in, but she's on her way out. Those presents for me, then, yeah?

All right, cool. Well, Mrs B's in the living room so if you want to go through, that's cool.

I might see you la... Maybe not, OK.

Ah! Yo, Hev!

You are looking too good, too early, girl! Loving your work!

FAT BOY CHUCKLES

Wha'?! Check you, Little Miss Fabulous!

You are looking good, girl, looking...good.

Heather!

Ow!

Can I have a quiet word?

-DOT:

-'It's lovely to see you, but why didn't you telephone,'

let us know you was coming? Rose and me, we're off to Oxford Street to look at the lights.

-Rose!

-She's upstairs, then?

Yeah, I'll get her for you. Rose!

You'll never guess who's here...

SHIRLEY: If you know anything, Hev, it's best to get it out now. >

Cos you really don't want to have this conversation with Phil.

I haven't got a clue what you're talking about, Shirl! >

If you know anything, it's better to tell me now than later.

-I'm not admitting to nothing, cos I ain't done nothing.

-Who put them there - the envelope fairy?

-They were found in your bag!

-Is there a problem?

Well, well, well, look who it is - Humpty Dumpty.

-What you doing here?

-Do you really need to use that tone of voice?

-Andrew, leave it, please.

-No, good manners cost nothing.

YOU talk to me about manners?

-Hev?

-It's fine.

You should be grateful it's me talking to you, and not Phil.

-What was all that about?

-HEATHER SIGHS

-Andrew!

-We'll talk later, yeah?

She's got it wrong. I ain't done nothing.

I'm sure you ain't.

But I do need to talk to you about other stuff, as well.

Andrew...

Thank you.

What was she on about?

-Nothing, honestly. I'm fine.

-She mentioned Phil. Did he put her up to it?

No, just a misunderstanding, that's all. Please, Mr Branning.

-If they carry on hassling you, you let me know, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Where's Amy?

-Finishing off her breakfast.

Hold on! You left a three-year-old on her own with that thug?

You want to talk about thugs? Go and have a word with your cousin.

I've got plans.

Well, change 'em. Come to Oxford Street with us.

-That'd be all right, wouldn't it, Dot?

-Of course it would.

-I can be here when you get back.

-You used to love the lights when you were little.

Remember when I used to take you? Tell him, Dot.

-Tell he's gotta come.

-Be nice for your mother if you came, Andrew.

There's things I need to do and... people I need to see.

-Perhaps we could go and see the lights another day.

-It's up to you, Rose.

Sorry. Sorry, Ma. As I told you before, I'm busy, all right?

You ARE staying for Christmas?

I was just dropping 'em off.

Well, you needn't have bothered.

I'll let you have my keys.

So as you can...pop in and out.

It would be nice for your mother

if you could bring yourself to be here when she gets back.

-Thanks, Aunty Dot.

-See you?

Here we go, then, Rose.

Carol! Kids! Come here a minute.

-Why? What is it?

-Not till the kids get here. Come on, kids, hurry up!

Come on!

Sit down, sit down.

I just switched me phone on. And I've got a message. Listen to this.

RICKY: 'Hello, Pat, it's me.

'Change of plan. I'm on my way to the airport.

'Bit of luck, I'll be with you some time tomorrow.

'I'll tell you everything then. Love to everyone. I'll see ya then.'

Tomorrow? When was the message?

Oh. Just after 11 last night.

-Does this mean we're not going to lose the house?

-Yes, darling,

that is exactly what it means.

THEY CHEER

-She's been set up.

-And who's the most likely person to have done that, eh?

-Exactly.

-No, you just want to stir it because of Amy.

Listen, you didn't see Jack. You didn't see his face.

When you were out there having a go at Heather, he was on his doorstep, lapping it up.

-I should've stuck to me instincts.

-So what you going to do about it?

Mandy?

Ricky!

SHE GIGGLES

So, you going to get us another one, then?

I'm trying to save money.

-LAUREN YAWNS

-What's that for?

Saving money is for losers.

Lauren, my family is in big trouble at the moment, OK?

Yeah, trouble? You don't know the meaning of the word.

What's that mean?

Just forget it, yeah?

Actually, I'm not sure this is a good idea.

What's the problem?

-Can we go somewhere else?

-Yeah.

I mean, it stinks of air freshener but it's better than... Well...

Nah, it's good as new that, Hev. Here, go on - take that on top.

Oh. No, honestly, Mr Branning...

-It's a nasty job. Go on, take it.

-Oh. Thanks very much.

-Leave that stuff. I'll take it in.

-Oh!

-Thanks, Mr Branning. See ya.

-Hev...

..what was all that with Shirley?

I dunno. You know, I ain't done nothing.

Heather?

Oh. Hello again.

I was thinking about having a spot of lunch over the pub. We could, er, have that chat

and you could tell me what all that agg' was about.

I would, but, er, I've got other jobs to do

and I've got to take my little boy to the doctor's.

He was up half the night coughing.

Look, I know I upset you back in Southend...

I-it doesn't matter.

It does matter.

Cos I've thought about you an awful lot these last few months.

Been going over the things that I said and done.

Honestly, Andrew. It's...

Look...

I need to convince you, that is not the real Andrew.

It's all right, really.

Maybe we could, er...

We could see each other... some other time.

Yeah. Maybe.

-How's she going these days?

-Sorry? What?

-The motor. Behaving herself?

-What's that got to do with you?

-Just professional interest.

Yeah, well, the car's fine.

-I got something through the post this morning.

-Give it a rest, Phil.

N-O spells no.

The difference is, I've got a record - you ain't.

There are these things called ethics, Mo, though

I appreciate it's a term you're not familiar with.

If they do YOU, it's a caution at most.

Me? I could be looking at 18 months.

Which will give you plenty of time to consider your crimes and repent.

Alfie, speak to her?

Look, I know what people are saying about me out there, thanks to you.

Mo, I gotta respect Jean's principles, all right?

-You're talking about principles? What about the microwaves?

-Oi, gobby! D'you want to keep it down?!

Oi! Whoa, whoa! Can I smell garlic?

-You most certainly can!

-What's happened to the sausage surprise everyone's come to know and love?

It's a different recipe. Today's special is Surprise de Saucisse!

It's French. D'you want a taste?

Yeah, yeah, why not? Yeah, I'll have a little...

Have a little from the sides.

Mm!

-Bit garlicky, isn't it?

-You don't like it, do you? Say if you don't.

No! I love it! Punters are going to love it. Really nice. Smashing, that.

Alfie!

Will you tell Minnie Mouse here to stop being such a self-righteous

-you-know-what and do the decent thing?

-Woah, calm down, all right?

Listen to me, Alfie has a plan.

The words "benefit" and "fraud" are banned.

(We'll go softly-softly, yeah? Let her come to you, all right.)

(OK? Go on, calm down.)

Push Jean too hard, she's going to dig her heels in.

You got to make it sound like it's come from her - like it's her decision.

-Can't we send 'em both to prison?

-Yeah, OK.

Nan for benefit fraud and Jean for food poisoning. What d'you reckon?

-I think we're done here, Alf.

-Oi, hold on. Where you going? Come on, moolah!

Lovely.

Ha-hey! Mwah!

It's a grey, 5 Series, registration...

..717 JBR.

Well, I wouldn't be asking you if it was easy, would I?

Anyway, you owe me one.

Blimey.

He loves me. Apparently.

I don't get it.

Well, no-one really gets it. Not even sure I get it myself.

But it kind of works.

So you happy?

Here, you ever bump into any of the old gang? Like Aiden?

-Or Sam or that?

-I asked you if you was happy.

I want to talk about you.

So where is it you been again?

Oh, Dubai.

-Dubai.

-Yeah.

-Wherever that is.

So, who was it you didn't want to see in the cafe, then?

There?

Up a bit. Up a bit more.

Up a bit. Bit more!

THE KIDS LAUGH

Oi, Tiffany!

Right, I've been doing some sums.

Now, assuming that Ricky's bonus is what he thought it was going to be,

we're going to have enough to keep the loan company off our backs

and still have something for a half-decent Christmas.

I think that calls for a celebration, don't you?

-Carol, do us a favour, love?

-Yep?

Nip over to the shop and get a bottle of fizz for us

and pop for the kids.

I'll give Whitney a call as well, shall I?

-Yeah! We want everybody here! Don't we?

-Wahey!

Who's the thug?

Dot Branning's nephew. Need I say more?

It's like sausage surprise, but with a twist.

-Yeah, the twist in your stomach after you've eaten it.

-Ha! Funny(!)

-MOBILE RINGS

-It's Carol. What's she want?

She'll just be after you for something. Turn it off.

You ordering or what?

Yeah. Babe, I ain't got enough money.

It's no problem.

What?

Just leave it to me, yeah?

We'll have two of them Sausage Surprises.

That's 8.60, darling.

-OK. Give us two seconds, yeah?

-Yeah.

There you go. All right?

Fats.

-Hey, babe, all right?

-Yeah, you?

Yeah, come here. Listen, I'm not stopping. I'm looking for Jack. Have you seen him?

What do you want with Jack?

Listen, I can't say. But I got to go.

-See you in a minute.

-Fats?

-Yes, babe?

Where's my birthday present?

It's been nearly a week now.

Listen, I know. I know, I know, I know,

and I promise it's going to be worth the wait. OK?

One thing...

Yes, mate, all right, easy...

-Heather.

-What about her?

I know she's got a little boy.

Has the father shown his face lately?

Nah, mate. He left ages ago.

Is there any other boyfriend?

Listen, go for it, all right, bruv?

There you go.

Thank you! Mwah!

She's just made a right monkey of you there.

Oi, oi. See Whitney checking you out?

She had her chance.

-This is all right. Should've tried some.

-It stinks, I can smell the garlic from here.

I forgot - garlic and crucifixes don't go down too well with you lot, do they?

Why are you so cheerful all of a sudden?

-Alfie?

-Yeah.

-My compliments to the chef.

Hey, you hear that? Phil likes the grub.

No-one's going to want to kiss me for a week

I'm going to go and tell Jean.

Is this something to do with Heather?

Nothing to do with Heather.

So what is it then? Cos you're definitely up to something.

Excuse me for butting in.

Do I know you?

No, but I know your girlfriend.

And her manners leave a lot to be desired.

Put her on a leash, yeah?

-Phil Mitchell said that?

-Yeah! Don't believe me, go and ask him yourself.

Alfie, talk to her, will you? Nothing I say gets through.

Mo, listen - for the very last time, OK? Alfie has a plan.

Softly-softly, all right?

And there's herbs in it, too.

-Can you taste the herbs?

-Whatever it is, it's nice.

You like it, then?

Yes, Jean, I like it.

It's not too garlicky?

I need all the garlic I can get right now.

CAN you taste the herbs?

I've just said, didn't I?

You don't really like it, do you?

For God's sake. Here we go...

-Here you are...

-Oh, no, no! I wasn't fishing!

Hasn't she had enough free hand-outs?

Thanks, Shirley(!) Yeah, thanks a bunch(!)

-Right, who's going to get the next round in, then?

-Lauren...

I think it's Tyler's turn. Two spritzers, please, Tyler.

I've had enough, so...

All right. In that case, I'll just have a large V&T.

Get your own V&T. Mine's a pint while you're at it.

-Sorry?

-I can see what you're trying to do.

OK, in that case, Anthony...

Stay there, Anthony.

She can get her own drink and she can get two for us while she's at it.

Well, well. Congratulations.

What?

I said to myself, "Whoever says no first wins first prize."

And you win.

Win what?

-"Alfie's got a plan", eh?

-Softly-softly, yeah.

Well, softly-softly's getting us nowhere-nowhere. Leave it to me.

-Whoa! What are you going to do?

-Just go, yeah?

-Jean...

-Whatever you're about to say won't make the slightest difference.

I've made my position perfectly clear...

-MOBILE CHIMES

-Who's that?!

No-one ever texts me!

It's from Stacey! Stacey's sent me a text!

Shh! Keep your voice down.

What's she saying?

That she loves me.

Oh, isn't that lovely of her?

Oh!

What should I text back?

That you love her, too.

And that Nan's going to spend Christmas in prison...

Listen, Jean, you know that we've all got previous,

so we can't take the rap for this.

And believe me, we would if we could.

The worst that can happen to you is a slap on the wrist

and to pay all the money back.

Stacey would be really, really proud of you.

'You are joking me?'

No. I can't even go back - I'm on a list.

Oh, sorry, but I think it's hysterical.

Thing is, everyone's counting on me.

-Like who?

-Pat, the family, everybody.

Thing was, I was due this massive end-of-contract bonus,

but now that's all gone.

I even had to pay me own air fare back. I'm brassic.

Ooh. What's Bianca going to say?

Like I ain't thought about that?

What am I going to tell the kids when they find there's not even money for Christmas presents?

Tell you what, might've been easier if they'd locked me up

and thrown away the key. Least I wouldn't have to face them.

Oh, no! I'm pleased to see you at the very least.

DOOR OPENS

Here, I've been shopping.

Got you an early Christmas present.

Ricky?

Mandy'll explain.

-I better go and face the music.

-All right.

Have fun.

-See ya.

-Ta.

Nice(!)

DOOR SLAMS

KEY RATTLES IN DOOR

Anybody in?

-In here.

-Oh, you did stay after all.

Yeah, stupid to come all this way and not spend time with my mum.

You're only saying that cos you feel guilty.

How was Oxford Street?

Oh, all adverts. Nothing to do with Christmas at all.

Hark at old Ebenezer.

Jesus was born in a stable, Rose, not a toy shop.

Let's not fight, please. Come on. We're family. And it's Christmas.

Oh, as if you care.

Actually, I've changed my mind. I'm going to stick around for a while.

If that's all right with you.

So what's brought this on?

I love me Mum and I want to be with her

and my new Auntie Dot at Christmas.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

Oh, Andrew!

Happy Christmas, Mum.

It's Dad! Everyone! Dad's here!

Quick, quick in the kitchen.

Dad's home.

MUSIC: "Welcome Home" by Peters And Lee

-Quick! Quick!

-Sorry.

-Quick!

-You got the fizz?

-Yeah. Where's Whit?

-I've left messages on her answer phone. She's not answering.

-Oh well.

Shhh, shhh, shhh.

-TOOT!

-Shh!

-Hey! He's coming.

Hello?

# Welcome home

# Welcome

# Come on in... #

THEY CHEER

Shush, shush, shush, shush!

What is it, Ricky?

We are going to lose the house, aren't we?

-Jack! Where you been, man?

-My car's gone.

I know, I've been looking for you. I tried to tell you.

-Some geezer came along and towed it away.

-What geezer?

-I don't know. Couldn't see him.

-Could it have been Phil?

-Why?

-Answer my question. Could it have been Phil?

-Doubt it. He's in the pub.

Oh, is he now?

Oi. Oi... Oi, you pair, d'you want a bucket a water over you?

What's the matter? Calm down, will you? Or get a room, please!

-Want to go back to my place?

-Yeah. Why not?

Lauren... Lauren?

One second...

What?

How much have you had, babe?

Why? You jealous?

You can't do this.

My mum's got cancer. I can do what I want.

What you done with it?

-Done with what?

-My motor.

I've only been gone an hour and now it's gone. Someone's nicked it.

I think that someone's you.

-Well, I've been here all lunchtime. Shirl'll tell you.

-It's true.

It's him or one of his monkeys.

-Alfie...

-Hmm?

-How long have I been here?

I dunno. What, about, 12-ish?

Where's my apology?

I'm calling the police.

I'm waiting.

This ain't over.

-Alfie.

-Hm?

-Come here.

Yeah, I'll be with you in a sec. Hold on, darling.

Right, so you know what you're going to say, yeah?

Why can't I say I'm doing it for Stacey?

Because it'll make him happy. Please?

What?

In the spirit of Christmas, Alfie,

I have decided to sacrifice my integrity

for the sake of this family and...

hand myself in.

Come here.

I love you, Jean.

No, not tomorrow, today.

You just tell 'em it's ex-detective inspector Branning calling, yeah?

-Jack!

-What?

-You're not going to like this, man.

-Why?

Let me show you, all right? Come, come.

PHIL CHUCKLES

What's so funny? What've you done?

So I was sitting at my desk, yeah?

And then I heard this big, massive crash.

So then I came out to have a look and then there it was.

And then I saw some big truck driving off as well.

Did you get a number plate?

No, no. Couldn't see it, it was all muddy and that. Like it was deliberate.

I'm going to kill him.

Kill who? Jack...

What, do you think you're funny?

Now, you stay away from me, and you stay away from my family.

Cos next time it won't just be the car that goes in the crusher.

Do you understand?

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