15/12/2011 EastEnders

All right.

Can't wait to see Amy later,

even if I am going to have a social worker breathing down my neck.

But I got her those dinosaur things she likes for lunch.

In a bit?

All right, Jack?

Whoa! Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.

-And let him get away with it?

-What did I teach you?

Take your time and do it properly. Eh?

He ain't going nowhere.

I really, really, really want to zig-a-zig-ah.

Do you know, I am the same age as Baby Spice?

You know what? She was always my favourite.

They don't call her Baby Spice now, though, do they?

I always preferred Sporty myself.

All right, Jane?

We're going to take Bobby to the dentist. If you want to come along?

No, no, you go. Mum, dad, dentist.

That's like a normal family, ain't it?

No, no, no, you come along,

and then we'll come back for some "continental breakfast", yeah?

Well, I'm going out.

I'll come with you.

I don't know where I'm going yet, hun.

-Anyway, I better go sort this out, eh?

-Sure.

-Nice to see you, Jane.

-Yeah.

I'm sure these breakfasts are getting smaller.

They'll probably blame it on the recession.

Skinny sausages and shrunk bacon.

I'm having another one.

Before they start serving it in a thimble. Can I get you one, Billy?

No, I better not.

Oh, I see.

I thought Phil Mitchell was your cousin, not your dad.

But if he's told you to...

Hey, hey, wait...

Phil don't tell me what to do.

Go on, I'll have another one. Cheers.

Yeah, of course I understand.

You think I'd have asked if I wasn't desperate?

Well, you keep your hands off them young barmen, Peggy.

Sorry love, I got to go, bye.

Just phoning Peggy to get her secret Victoria sponge recipe.

You're baking a cake?

I can't sit here twiddling me thumbs, can I?

I've tried everyone, Pat.

I've really screwed up, ain't I?

You went to the middle of the desert to provide for your family.

The last thing you are is a failure.

There's people there that have paid off mortgages, student loans.

I've come back worse off!

I'd better go and tell Bianca.

Um, thing is - she doesn't...

She doesn't know about us losing this place.

I thought we could sort it out before she had to.

Come tomorrow, she may be the only one with a roof over her head.

That ain't going to happen. All right? I'm going to get a job.

I promise.

Phil!

My brother thinks I should let it go, you playing demolition man.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I had a word with a few of my old workmates an' all.

We agreed, there's no point, cos there's no evidence.

-Least you learnt something from the job.

-They're always on the other end of the phone.

Know what us police are like, once you're in, you're never out.

Not even when they're as bent as you?

It's weird, the lengths they'll go to to protect their own.

You're still claiming it weren't you that set up them raids, eh?

Sounding paranoid there, Phil. See someone about that.

You'll never beat me. No-one will.

You really hate it when you can't control things, don't you?

How was I supposed to know he'd got PE?

And typical Ian, I'm the one that gets sent back to pick up the kit.

Er, there we go.

Shorts and a T-shirt.

He really likes you, y'know.

-Said you taught him the words to an N-Dubz song.

-Ian?

Bobby!

Oh, yeah.

Y'know, we're in the same boat, you and me.

New relationships with men with, erm...

Bad hair?

Baggage. Ex-wives, stepkids, some other woman's wallpaper.

Just don't see me as an obstacle.

I think it took me getting with Mas to realise that,

for the last few years...

me and Ian never made each other truly happy. But you do.

And that's an amazing thing!

I try.

You're already part of the family.

I'm Beale past, and you're Beale future.

Bless.

Right, well you'd better get Bobcat his trainers

before they make him play hockey barefoot.

Ricky!

DOOR OPENS

Hi. Come in, come in.

Oh, you're early. Social worker's not even here yet.

-Where's Amy?

-It's cancelled.

I told the social worker I'm sick.

Amy's with a mate from playgroup.

So you lied to them and now I don't get to see my little girl?

And I'm supposed to just deal with that, am I?

-Why are you doing this to me?

-She's better off not seeing you, ain't she?

I'm her mother, OK. That is disgusting!

Yeah? And Phil Mitchell is your cousin.

Yeah? When he replaces my car, then you can see Amy.

Jack!

Oi, hold on a minute.

Jack, you can't punish Amy for something Phil's done!

You tell him my daughter's one more thing he can't control.

Two teas, please, Marie.

So what's this amazing birthday present Whit's waited so long for?

Oh, bruvver, there's been so much hype, man, I can't crash and burn.

-It's got to be special.

-Like you. You're very special.

Ha ha(!) Nah nah, it's got to be unique. It's got to be...

Mind-blowing?

Right. Check this out.

Huh? Huh-huh-huh?

What? Plan B, yeah?

Yeah. Just don't go too extra, bruv.

SHE SIGHS

Told you I had an husband.

How was Dubai then?

Been working ain't you? In Dubai?

Look at your tan!

Check out his tan. Look! Looks like Peter Andre!

If I wasn't in this goldfish bowl,

I'd jump over there and give you a right old snog!

-Bianca...

-What?!

You are my husband. You look well fit.

She works in the salon, except she's useless.

I mean, would you really let someone with a barnet like that loose on yours?

Hope you ain't been perving over them belly-dancing girls, have you?

So have you seen the kids?

Listen, I've got something to tell you...

about Dubai.

I got arrested.

No! You, arrested?! For what?!

I went to a public beach when it was closed.

And they nicked you for that?!

-They'd have to build another four floors on this place.

-And...indecency.

-Eh?

Indecency.

What, like flashing? Your bits?

-In Dubai?!

-I went swimming.

What, did you wee in the water?

I was naked, all right?

Skinny dipping? You, who won't take your jeans off on the beach?!

-That's not all...

-Life in the old dog yet, eh, Ricky?!

-You wasn't with another girl? You said, "That's not all..."

-I got sacked...

then fined, and then deported.

They took all the cash I'd saved. I just managed to get enough for the air fare home.

It's all gone.

Can no-one have a private conversation in here?

It's not just that.

The bailiffs are coming tomorrow,

they're probably going to kick Pat out the house.

She got in a right mess over these loans, she was relying on the Dubai cash to help her out a bit.

Five months my kids have been without a dad. And for what?!

-You're useless! You're a big, useless...

-Do you know how long they've been without a mum?

Do you know what damage you've caused them kids?

I love my kids! It was being a good mum that's landed me in here.

No, it's being a hot-headed nutter that's got you in here!

I just hope they get over it.

Them kids you love are about to lose their house,

while you're banging on about barnets and Peter Andre.

I never knew.

Because you don't listen!

You're stubborn.

Your temper, your mouth.

You're selfish.

-Ricky!

-That's why I went to Dubai in the first place,

because you screwed up.

-You just do what you want, just like you always do.

-And why's that?

Cos it's like being married to a dishcloth sometimes!

"What shall we get Morgan for his birthday? When's dinner?"

Who's going to deal with the scumbag that slept with my mum and kid, eh?!

I'm loud, stubborn and angry cos I've had to be!

This girl in Dubai...

the one I went swimming with...

-But you just said...

-No, nothing happened. But, y'know, it could've.

And you know how that made me feel?

Just like the old Ricky Butcher.

Before housing benefits, before chicken nuggets,

before prison waiting rooms.

Before me?

When do you ever tell me you love me?

-All the time!

-Only when your back's up against the wall.

Do you think normal people walk about saying, "I adore you," all the time?

Me and Sam did.

SHE GASPS

Are you trying to hurt me, Ricky?

I ain't saying I blame you for this mess we've got in. It's both of us.

I don't know what to do.

Or if it's worth trying.

I hate you, do you know that?

I hate you! Get him out of here! And do you know what?

The old Ricky Butcher is just as much of a muppet as the new one!

Get him out!

And I want a divorce!

What's your favourite?

Now that I keep somewhere special.

There.

Wow.

Is it from Granddad Frank?

Dad misses him as well, don't he?

Yeah, I expect he does.

Do you think he would've come to my concert if he weren't dead?

Oh, I think he'd have clapped louder than anybody else,

and then he'd have cried like a baby.

SHE LAUGHS

He sounds crazy.

He was!

Well, he'd have to be to buy me these.

Look!

Nine pence off a bucket and spade stall in Clacton.

Blimey. You only have to look at a bit of old costume jewellery,

and you go back 50-odd years, live the moment all over again.

Do me a favour, do you think you can fix this?

I've tried to wash it, and I've spilt red wine on it.

It's one of Amy's favourites.

Hev?

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

-Oh, you come to do your washing?

-No.

Hey, I was just thinking about you.

-You're not going to believe what Jack's doing.

-Course not.

You're going back to Southend, so why would you want to do your washing?

You've come to say goodbye, then?

You seem quite keen to get me back there.

It's where you live, innit?

Well, I never thought I'd have potato dinosaurs in my shopping basket.

Morgan bites bits out and pretends he's discovered a new species.

Wow. Kids are amazing, aren't they?

You being sarcastic?

I'd stick to the blackcurrant if I were you.

You don't want Bobby going to school with a hangover, do you?

Or is it a romantic night in with you, Ian and that naughty nightie?

Oh, is that why they sent you back from Dubai?

Crimes to comedy?

So...why did you come back then?

After all that time?

-You look exactly the same.

-So do you.

Well, if I kinda close one eye, squint a bit,

and imagine a greasy ponytail.

So, what you doing now?

I am catching up with an old friend.

Me?

Yes, you!

Andrew!

I was, er, just getting my tools out the van.

I didn't want you to go back to Southend without...

Oh!

HE EXHALES

I, erm...

wouldn't want to leave expensive tools in the back of the van,

not if it's going to be parked up for a while.

Parked up?

I'm staying around.

Oh, wow.

I must be a really good kisser.

Actually, I'd already decided.

But...no complaints from this corner.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

I felt 'em!

Butterflies!

HE BURPS

Nice(!)

You can take the boy out of Walford, eh...?

But he'll keep coming back.

So, why Ian Beale then?

Why are you with Bianca?

What about when you have to, y'know?

-I mean, do you...

-Ricky!

Some people need more than sex to have a good relationship.

What, you?! Yeah, right!

I'm surprised I got out alive last time.

That was years ago.

Can we talk about something else please?

Yeah.

But you didn't answer my question about Ian Beale.

OK, well, I like knowing if it's going to end,

it's going to be me that ends it.

I've never had that before.

You was always the one who started stuff.

Do you remember when you talked me into getting off my face,

then you just sat there and laughed at me for ages at the state I was in?

I never forced you!

Listen, you were always the one who started it.

Wait there! Don't drink no more.

I've got plans for you, Butcher.

Come on, take 'em off.

Oh. But I like listening to all your stories about your jewels.

Well, that's all they are, stories.

This is just a...load of old tin.

Hardly fill the fridge with what this lot's worth.

Thought you said they were special?

Tiffany, promise me something... don't get soft when you get old.

You're not old! You still wear lipstick and get drunk.

SHE LAUGHS

-Tiffany Butcher! You...!

-What?

Listen, how do you fancy going to Clacton tomorrow? All the family?

-And get the day off school?

-Get out of this place and make some new memories!

Yes!

Lauren, just ring me back or text me, even.

And just let me know you're OK.

Please, cos I'm getting really worried now.

Hey, just the lady!

All right, that'll do. Great, lovely jubbly.

Right, come on, you, come on, got to get up. Come with me.

-Put the phone away.

-What?!

-Put the phone away.

Right, now, close your eyes.

Right, let's do this!

OK, all right. Watch out. There's a little tree to your right there.

Yeah, that's it. Watch it, all right!

All right, all right, little curb, little curb, little curb.

All right, and turn. And ready...

One, two three...ta-da!

What is it?

Wh...?! You know, bonnet, engine, zim-zimmer, baby!

I've got the keys to your zimmer, all right? It's a car!

It's a car, from me to you, for your birthday! It's a car!

See? Don't let no-one say your man doesn't treat you like a queen, right, sweetheart?

-Fats, you know I don't drive.

-I'll teach you, OK?

We'll go down to Brighton or something, tunes blaring...

Oh, and yeah, Mikey done that off the stall.

-You big softy.

-What can I say bruv? Whit, she's my girl.

-She's my lady. She's mine, all mine.

-No, I ain't your girl!

What?!

Did I miss something here?

I've got some news. Can I come in?

-No, I don't want to hear it.

-Trust me, you do.

I'm not in the mood, all right? Just tell me here.

OK. I just spoke to Ronnie and she's filed for divorce.

That's my punishment for cancelling Amy's contact?

-Come on, as if she'd do that.

-You lying about it, I meant.

I'm sorry but you'll get your solicitor's letter tomorrow.

Now, can I come in, please?

All right. So, what did she say? Exactly. Roxy!

Jack, I know what'll take your mind off this divorce. What if we...?

You and me, we could go and get Amy

and take her to see Santa, yeah? Or just feed the ducks.

You know she loves that.

Jack. I do know how you're feeling and I can help you,

there's no need for all this...

Just go. Just go, will you?

-You all right?

-I was just about to go.

Yeah, yeah. Course you were!

Very nice, by the way.

Come on.

Look, I know Bianca does my nut in but...

Oh, no, no. Ricky, relax.

It's not your body I'm after, it's your youth.

Are you mad?

Well, you already know the answer to that one! Come on.

-Red let me in.

-Shouldn't have bothered.

Your fella breaks his backside to get you a present

most girls would wet themselves over.

What do you do?

Fling a massive strop.

You know nothing about nothing.

I'll tell you what I do know.

Some girls don't deserve to be treated nice.

You've got no right coming round here

and talking to me like that!

-You've no right to mug my mate off.

-He wants to own me! I don't want that.

He just bought you a car.

Yeah, and he put a label on it so now everyone thinks I belong to him.

I don't belong to anyone. Why don't you just get out?

You carry on.

Carry on blaming every decent bloke for what that toe-rag did to you.

Yeah, cos you know what's going on in my head, do you?

Course you do.

What was it you said to me before? That I needed therapy?

You thought you'd come round, save me a few quid and do it yourself?

All I'm saying is not every bloke is on some mission to screw you up.

-I know Fatboy would never hurt me.

-Then, stop acting like a victim.

Or let some other girl have him cos they will, you know.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Still wish you were in Dubai?

You know what? No matter what happens -

wives, husbands, chippies and prisons,

they'll never take these times away from us! Never.

Ricky?

Ricky?

I can't breathe!

Phil, I want you to tell Jack you'll stop all this nonsense, OK?

Phil, the divorce is making him worse.

I was going to offer you a pint. Billy's having one.

-Billy ain't got the sense he was born with.

-Phil.

-I think you might be right there.

-Oi!

There's not many blokes'd take the rap when their cousin fits them up.

We're sorting out some family stuff here.

Big on family, ain't you, Phil, eh?

-Loyalty. United we stand.

-You what?

Phil, please, ignore him, OK? I'm trying to talk to you here.

Big man behaviour that, fitting up your own cousin.

Proper top boy stuff.

Do you ever keep your mouth shut, eh?

Weak.

Very, very weak.

He didn't exactly fit me up, Del.

I thought you and I could share some common ground, similar values.

Phil Mitchell ain't the man I thought he was.

And why would I care what you think, eh?

And don't smile at me.

You didn't tell me this was going to be a party.

I had hoped that you two could shake hands,

but what I've learnt about Mr Mitchell's integrity, Jack,

I think we should just go.

Now that my ties with that family are finally cut,

I think you're right.

Hello, hi. Amy...?

See, you and him? That'd be a fair fight.

But it ain't just him any more.

You take on my brother, you take on me.

You enjoy yourself.

Cos that's the last laugh you're going to have for a very long time.

Maybe if a girl's ex tried to pimp her out,

it might make her freak if she thinks the next one's trying to buy her.

Hold tight, bruv, hold tight. What you on about?

Are you trying to say, like, I'm one of those nasty guys?

You trying to say I'm like that guy...?

-Hi.

-I thought I was having a heart attack.

-But you didn't mention anything about...?

-Oh, yeah. She said it was quite common,

you know, for middle-aged men popping pills in allotment sheds!

Thanks, again.

I'll know what to do next time.

Breathe in and out a paper bag, yeah?

No, it's drugs advice information.

Though we normally hand them out to patients quite a lot younger than you.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, come on, Mandy, pick up.

Bobby wants you to help him with his homework -

history of the Christmas pudding.

-With pictures.

-Can't it wait?

-More important stuff to do?

Not jealous, are you, Jane?

I'm very happy you've found love, Ian.

And I'm happy you've found Masood. It's obvious we've both moved on.

If we're so happy, why don't we go for a drink? Tomorrow.

Even better. Let's have a meal. The four of us.

I'll cook. You can come over.

Great!

Great!

Oh, no!

This is the best present ever.

Sometimes...

..in my head, this mad stuff takes over.

It's like I forget what's normal.

It's OK.

I mean, I understand.

It's all forgotten, babe, OK?

Right! You know what this means, don't you?

It means that Fats is rolling shotgun, OK?

There you go, sweetheart.

Right. OK, let's do this!

Lovely jubbly. All right, that was great.

Mate, no. Not that one yet. You don't...

I'm sorry.

You're not a muppet.

You're my Ricky. I love you.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, come on, at least we had a laugh.

A laugh? You nearly killed me!

Some stuck-up nurse thinking I'm Britain's oldest raver.

-You're hilarious.

-Ain't I just?

Stupid Ricky Butcher, what a fool.

I'm just a laughing stock, ain't I? Just a joke.

How did it end up like this?

You ain't a joke, Ricky. Not to me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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