05/04/2012 EastEnders

# And a hundred lonely housewives

# Clutch empty milk bottles to their hearts

# Hanging out their old love letters

# On a line to dry

# It's enough to make you stop believing

# When tears come fast and furious

# In a town called Malice. #

Yeah, I know, I've got a loan with you already.

Well, the thing is, I need a new telly,

so I just thought I could increase the loan?

Oh, right.

So, you have to pay the old one off first, yeah.

OK.

Warm me up, Alfie.

-All right.

-Afternoon.

-There you go.

-Lovely.

I thought we'd just go over the details for later.

Yeah.

Well, the job is as straight forward as it seems, ain't it?

We wait for Trev the drayman to turn his back

and then we steal the booze from his van.

-12 grand's worth of booze.

-Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Well, like you say, it sounds straightforward enough.

What?

-Nervous?

-N-No.

Yeah.

No, listen, I've got convictions, and I stand to lose everything.

And I don't just mean the pub.

Kat's not the most forgiving of women.

There's no backing out now, Alf.

Remember, I'm not the most forgiving of men.

You've no idea what's in them, have you?

Winston said it's all good stuff.

Said the supermarket only chucks it out cos the labels are torn.

That lot's never seen labels. "Dodgy" is written all over 'em.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Oh, last night, I had this really great dream.

Can't remember all the details,

but that bloke from Captain America was in it.

And I know I was having a really good time.

Then I woke up. Back to reality, eh?

Reality's not that bad. Anyway, you've still got a great figure.

Yeah, I've had this skirt for years, who needs money?

We're better off than some and you know what? KIDS SHOUTING

I've been there before, dreading the post, the knock at the door,

starving myself so that you lot can have dinner. Things get better.

If we don't get a new telly, the kids will kill each other.

Or I am going to kill both of them!

I never get to watch what I want!

Oh! My head is banging from last night.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Interesting conversations, though.

Oh, sorry, we don't do oysters or what was it? Rhino horn.

Meant to perk you up a bit, innit?

That meant to be funny?

Ian's face when you blurted it out in front of everyone.

Yeah, well, least I've got a fella, eh?

Who you got keeping you warm at night?

-Easy, Mands.

-Looking good, Kim.

-Thank you, thank you.

# Ta da! #

What do you think?

I take it you're trying to impress someone.

And if I was, would it work?

Some might say, you've got all your goodies on a plate.

But you, being my ever-loving sister, you would say...

You look lovely.

Don't I? I know.

So, this is all for Ray's benefit, I take it?

Ray? No.

Oh, come on, I saw your face last night

when everyone said how fit he was.

Well, they need to realise that he's desperate to get my attention.

He's going to be looking out of his little hatch all night,

watching me behind the bar, lighting up the pub with the life,

the soul, curves, booty.

I guarantee, by closing, he'll be putty in my hands.

Oh, so, you do want him to be putty then?

-I'm getting lost whether you want him or not.

-No, I never said I wanted him.

But that's not to say that I don't want him wanting me.

You see? Let me tell you a little something, yeah?

It is better to be wanted than to be had, yeah?

You might want to think about that a few times, yeah?

Pay you later.

You've not had an easy couple of weeks, have you?

No.

I drove myself over to see Jim today

and I was bracing myself all the way to tell him about Heather, you know?

And when I got there, I realised I couldn't

because what does he need to know for?

He don't need upsetting.

Anyway, what's bothering you?

I feel stupid now. Look, I should have thought.

Yeah, you should.

But you can be a bit selfish, Ian.

Anyway, you're here now, might as well tell me.

I feel old.

Oh. Ha-ha.

Must be awful being in your early 40s.

I'm not going anywhere in life.

I mean, I had dreams and ambitions.

I mean, look at me now, Dot, I'm running the stall that my dad ran

-and that his father ran before him...

-Drink your tea up.

-What?

-I can't listen to no more.

You should count yourself lucky you're alive.

-Dot, I'm sorry...

-If you're looking for sympathy,

not me, not today.

I mean, I was supposed to being going to church tonight,

you know, it's Maundy Thursday

and I couldn't face telling Jim about Heather

and I can't face going to church and I can't even talk to Jesus.

I'm afraid...you're knocking at the wrong door.

-Argh.

-He seen me earlier.

-Yeah?

-Checked that I was all right for tonight.

-Yeah? What did you say?

What do you think I said? I'm skint, ain't I?

Thing I don't get is you agreeing to be his dogsbody.

Whoa, stop. I'm no-one's dogsbody.

Oh, right, so you're partners now, are you?

Come on, Alfie, don't kid yourself.

I mean, how much money are you actually making out of all of this?

Or should I say how will Derek let you keep?

Enough to pay rent for the next six months

and keep the tax man off my back, all right?

I don't know if you've noticed but the Vic is hardly standing room only.

Only at lunchtime, hardly enough people to start a darts team.

I'm just trying to claw back any profit wherever I can.

And you ain't got any ideas of your own, eh? You?

Alfie Moon?

BILLY SCOFFS You surprise me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kimberley Fox is in the building.

Kim. Ray wants you.

Tell me something I don't already know.

R&B MUSIC PLAYS

Ooh, hello, you're looking very filet mignon today.

-What?

-Filet mignon, the best steak in the world.

You saying I look like a bit of meat?

-HE LAUGHS

-Look, Roxy said you wanted me.

Yeah, listen, I need some help in the kitchen tonight. Alfie said you're it.

I don't think so, young man.

Cos, tonight, I'll be lighting up the pub out there.

-Ooh, I'm afraid not, babe.

-But...

-No, no, no, no time for buts, babe.

That stuff over there needs filleting.

And don't throw away the heads, we'll be boiling them for stock.

Right, so, you both get to pick a can

and then, whatever's inside, that's your dinner.

What? Go on, just pick. Who else gets to have surprise food?

-Other poor people?

-Just pick.

I wonder what this could be, then?

Could it be spaghetti hoops?

Or beans and sausages?

It is...

Custard.

Yummy.

Right, this one... feels a bit more lumpy. Guess what?

-Dog food?

-Don't be stupid.

I'm not, for all we know, it could be.

I'm not eating dog food.

As if it's dog food!

Well, I wonder what this is then.

Mmm.

Smells delicious, whatever it is.

Ian...

..can we talk? You know, about...?

I don't want to, if that's OK.

SHE SIGHS

Well, I do, all right?

Look, see these?

D'you know what keeps them up there? A good bra.

Without it, they'd be a lot lower and you wouldn't have been so keen.

-We're all getting older.

-I don't want to talk about it, all right?

Which is why we have to compensate.

So...

I bought you these.

They're herbal and they work, well, so I'm told.

You just take one and 40 minutes later...

I don't need those, OK? It was a one-off, I'm fine.

OK, good, well, um...

..shouldn't be any problems tonight, then.

Tonight?

Mandy, look, I've got to do the VAT and stuff.

-I'm not going to be in the mood after that.

-Great(!)

No, I mean, that's just great, Ian.

This is it, is it?

You just avoid the situation and I get frustrated?

It's like we've been married 30 years.

SHE SIGHS

You know what? Get a grip Ian, all right?

Because if there is a problem, then sort it,

cos I for one - I need some excitement in my life.

No-one's even ordered fish.

It's not for tonight, it's for tomorrow.

It's a big day for fish, it's Good Friday.

Then, why couldn't you do it in the morning?

Probably, since I get paid more per hour than you do,

it's cheaper if you do it.

-OK, kids, here you go.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Are you calling me cheap?

-Er, what are they doing here?

-Eating.

Look, they were hungry, all right? Don't make a fuss.

-You all right, B?

-Alfie, you seen my kids?

Erm, the kids?

Alfie?

Yeah, yeah, listen, they're just in the hallway,

having something to eat.

-Yeah, I bet they are.

-No, they're fine, darling.

B. Erm.

-Tiff? Morgan?

-Bianca, all right. Don't, don't...

I offered.

-It's just chicken and chips, you know?

-Yeah.

Thanks.

Any time.

You know, whatever you want,

whenever you fancy some for yourself.

Look, erm...

-..I found a letter in Morgan's school bag.

-Mm-hm.

-He's been picked for the football team.

-Yeah?

-Nice.

-So, if you want to help us out,

he does need a new pair of football boots.

Yeah, course. Yeah, no problem.

Look, maybe I could watch him play sometime?

Yeah, look you can take him training, if you like.

I'd really like that. Thank you.

Is that...?

What?

That skirt.

The one you wore the night we met.

What if it is?

I remember it. I mean, you looked proper hot in it.

-You still do.

-Yeah?

Well, you've let yourself go.

Come on, kids, let's go. Home.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome, Son.

-It's disgusting.

-Oh, come on.

-Thanks.

-Greens are good for you.

-So, where's Billy?

-He can't make it.

-What do you mean, "Can't make it"?

Well, he's got a hospital appointment.

No, it's not him, it's his granddaughter.

She's, you know, she's got to do a scan

or one of these 'natal classes or something.

15 and up the duff. That's what's wrong with this country.

I thought he was looking a bit shifty this afternoon.

-What's his game?

-No, no, no, no. It's not a game.

-He's doing right by the girl.

-Yeah.

Well, so who are you going to get? Better be someone we can trust.

Yeah, well, I don't know about trust, but I've got someone in mind,

but he might have done a few dodgy things in his time.

Who?

-You.

-Me?

Yeah.

It's like I said earlier, right?

I can't afford anything to go wrong anymore.

Neither can you, Derek.

You know, neither of us like prison food, do we?

So, erm, it's your call.

It's her fault you're being like this.

No, it's me.

WHY are you being like this?

Look, I'm sorry, Lucy, if my life annoys you,

but that is what it is, OK? It's my life.

You're only going to be here for another year or so,

and you'll make your first million

or find some nice fella and drive off into the sunset.

Me?

I'm stuck here till they cart me off to the cemetery.

You know the really sad thing?

I even know where they'll bury me.

Little plot between my dad and my gran.

It's so close, I could probably walk to it.

Dad, you need to snap out of this.

Think of Bobby.

What about Bobby?

Well, do you think he wants to see you like this?

-Dad, you're his hero.

-Am I?

Yeah, of course you are.

Look, you need to open your eyes

and realise it all went wrong with Mandy.

No.

No, it was going wrong before that.

I guess it went wrong when Jane left.

Do you miss her?

No.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know, OK? Maybe I do.

Tell you what I have missed, though, and I've realised it this week,

I've missed being in the caf.

It's... Being back at the heart of everything, it was...

Yeah, that's it.

-What?

-I need to get the caf back off Phil.

-I doubt he's going to sell it.

-He will.

If I make him a good enough offer, he will, he's bound to.

Lucy, that is what it is. We need the caf back,

it'll give us back the excitement that we've missed.

Yes, well, you've seen now, haven't you? And I'm fine.

Yes, but, Dot, it's at times like this that you need...

What? Your friends? Is that what you was going to say?

We ain't friends, are we?

We're neighbours, I always say hello.

Well, Heather was a true friend.

We shared things, you know, happy times, sad times.

There was more of the sad times than happy times,

but that's what friends are for, aren't they?

And now, she's dead

and you all feel bad and you want to help.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's a shame

that you didn't help her when she was alive.

Fine. Next, time I won't bother.

Oh, dear.

KNOCKING ON DOOR Who is it now? What do you want?

-Oh, hello, Vicar.

-Mrs Branning, is this a good time?

Oh. Yes, yes, of course, of course.

-Is your sister...?

-What, Rose? No, she ain't here.

-Is it her you wanted to see?

-Oh, no, no, I've come to see you.

Oh, well, what can I do for you?

Well, you can make me a cup of tea

and then maybe find me a nice slice of your cake

and then run me a bowl of tepid water.

So, where is he then? You sure you got the right place?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, course I have.

This is weird, cos, well,

Trev, he text to say that he was here, you know.

Nah.

Nah, something's not right. I can sense it.

Let's leave it, Alfie. Alfie, leave it. Come on, pull off.

-Pull off.

-No, no, no, look.

There he is. That's him.

-All right? Trevor, this is...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So, where's the van?

I've just got a gun stuck in my face.

No!

-Who by?

-Couple of blokes.

Car pulled up, I thought it was you.

Next thing, they order me out the van, driving off with it.

-It was only a few minutes ago.

-Are you all right?

Course he's all right. He's alive, ain't he? I don't believe this.

No. I told you something wasn't right.

You know who this is down to, don't you?

Who?

Phil Mitchell, hmm?

Eh?

This has got his name written all over it.

Hospital appointment. I knew we couldn't trust Billy.

No, no, Billy...Billy's fine.

-Phil, maybe.

-There's no maybes about it, Alfie.

I told him the line was drawn.

Well, now, he's just crossed it.

You know, you've weighed very heavily on my heart,

these last few days.

I had hoped you'd come to church as planned.

Yes, well, I've been busy.

Of course. So I thought to myself,

"If she can't come to the church, the church shall come to her."

But there is no need.

Well, I'm sorry to disagree with you, Mrs Branning, but I think there is.

If there was any time in your life to let your faith slip,

-it certainly isn't now.

-I know.

Friendship is one of the most important things in anyone's life.

Jesus knows what it was like to lose a close friend.

Not in such circumstances as yourself,

but tragic nonetheless.

Yes, I suppose.

And on this very night,

the night he was betrayed in the Garden of Gethsemane,

betrayed by someone he loved.

-Yes.

-So...

let me wash your feet.

No. No, I ain't worthy.

It's a Maundy Thursday tradition, Mrs Branning.

Yes, but...

I ain't got pretty feet.

-Mrs Branning, I'm sure they're beautiful in Jesus's eyes.

-Oh.

The real reason you were feeding the kids

-is that you want to get back with the mother.

-What?!

-Kimberley, Kimberley, Kimberley.

-Don't "Kimberley" me.

-Oooh, I like you jealous.

-I'm not jealous.

You know, babe, it's perfectly fine, you know. Totally understandable.

Just don't take it out on the fish, yeah?

No, babe, you've got to cut it through, don't hack at it.

-Here, let me. Come on.

-I don't need showing.

-Argh!

-What?

My finger!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

-Emergency! Emergency! Help!

-What? What? Kim?

-I didn't mean to, it was an accident.

-What was?

-Kim!

-I cut off Ray's finger!

What?!

"After they had eaten, Jesus poured water into a basin

"and began to wash his disciples' feet.

"Afterwards, he dried them with a towel."

"Simon Peter says unto him, 'Lord, not my feet only,

" 'but also my hands and my head.' "

She...she... she was the sweetest girl.

She wouldn't hurt a fly.

She struggled all her life...

but she had the biggest smile.

And that little boy...

that little boy'll never know what a wonderful mother she was.

SHE SOBS

Emergency! Emergency! We need a doctor!

There's a man dying!

Man dying!

-So, what do I get?

-What?

-Well, if Morgan's getting football boots, I want something.

-Tiffany!

What? When one gets a present, the other does too.

But the thing is...

The thing is we're poor and our TV don't even work.

But Morgan gets what he wants cos his dad's here

and I don't cos mine's gone!

-No, no! It's not like that.

-Yes, it is! I hate you!

-I hate all of you!

-Oi, spoilt little madam.

No, she's not, though, is she?

-DOOR SLAMS

-She ain't had nothing for months.

She needs a new coat, her shoes are too small.

Right, come on David Beckham, bath time.

Hello? Yeah, I'm looking for a short term loan.

No. No, I haven't had one off you yet.

Well, I just need enough for a new telly.

Oh. Really?

Yeah, that's great.

Well, I was thinking,

well, you know, like, one of them plasma ones.

I will never pick up a knife again.

Look, it was an accident.

You heard what the nurse said, man, it was just the tip,

they'll be able to sew it back on again.

I was fine cutting that fish on my own, you know.

So, what? It's my fault for getting in the way?

-Actually, yes, it is your fault.

-(That's great.)

Flirting with Bianca.

Look, I flirt with all women, all right? It's part of who I am.

Your finger ain't part of who you are now though, is it?

You need to calm down. You're getting a bit too worked up.

You know what? I'm fine, yeah?

I'm just hot.

So, if you're hot, put some ice on your neck then, innit.

-Argh!

-HE LAUGHS

I touched it!

-But you don't know it was Phil.

-Well, who else could it be, Alf? Eh?

Erm. I don't know, anyone.

No, not anyone, Alf. Come on, wake up and smell the coffee, mate.

Phil Mitchell nicked that booze, our booze.

12 grand's worth.

So what you going to do then?

I'm going to think on it. Hm?

That's the difference between me and him.

He's all action and no brains.

No.

I'm going to think on it and then I'll pounce.

You're not well, are you? You've gone very quiet.

I was just thinking about what you said about flirting with all women.

Why do you do that?

Well, from what I hear, you do the same.

Ask yourself the same question.

Look, I know why I do it, but I just want to know why you do.

I don't know. I just do.

Well, you shouldn't.

Cos if you're flirting with everyone,

how's a girl to know if you really like her?

Wait. You chop off my finger

and then you tell me how I should and shouldn't be?

You are some piece of work, you know that?

-I ain't a piece of work, you know.

-Yes, you are.

-No, I ain't.

-Yes, you are.

Cos you're just trying to get me to tell you how much I like you,

which is kind of insulting,

considering it's pretty clear that I do.

Do you?

Why else do you think I swung it

so, that way, you'd have to spend the evening in the kitchen with me?

It wasn't because I wanted to admire your new dress,

which I think makes you look cheap.

No, seriously, it annoys the hell out of me

because, you know, when you actually do open up to me,

and we actually get close

and this becomes something,

I don't want my woman walking around dressed like that.

Your woman?

My woman.

Argh.

Oh, is it hurting?

Er, yeah.

Oi! There's an injured man in here, bleeding to death.

Now, if someone don't get in here quickly, trust me,

I will show you the true meaning of Accident and Emergency, yeah?

HE CHUCKLES

D'you know, I love it when you get fired up.

Stop it.

Look, I don't know if you're playing me or not, yeah?

There, I said it.

If you're playing me, let's call it a day now, cos I...

I ain't playing you, man. I'm being 100% sincere.

What about you?

Promise not to make me jealous?

You and Bianca?

Look, she's Morgan's mum, that's all.

She can't compare with you.

This is true.

Come here.

You're beautiful.

Am I?

So? Did he fall for it?

Yeah, course he did.

Well done, Trev, mate, you played a blinder. Take care.

-Pleasure doing business with you.

-See ya.

-Nice one, Trev.

-Are you sure Derek ain't going to be suspicious?

-Nah.

No, he thinks Phil did it.

-What? No, Alfie, that is not good.

-Billy, Billy, Billy.

Come on, Phil can take care of himself, you know that.

As long as Derek doesn't find out it was us

that nicked his precious booze, we'll be fine, won't we?

Like I told ya...

..I'm no-one's dogsbody.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd