02/07/2012 EastEnders

Max, heads up!

-Oh, look at them skills!

-Max, over here. Go on!

What's the matter with you?

Men and balls, eh?

This ain't going to work, you know.

I've got to do something, Kat. Come on, Raymundo, keep it up!

THEY CHEER

Having a kick-about on the square is one thing,

but getting that lot to sign up for an actual team...

They're buzzing out there now.

You watch, come lunchtime, queuing up to put their name down on here.

You've been trying to get this team together for over two weeks now.

-Oh, and you reckon you could do better, do you?

-Well, I couldn't do worse.

-Cobblers.

-I'm going to prove it to you. I'm taking over.

-What you on about?

-You've had your chance. It's my turn now.

-Oh, you reckon, do you? Hey!

< That's it. Harry...

Lovely. Here you are, Derek!

Go on, son. On me 'ead!

-What do you want, Joey?

-Can't stay away?

-Not very good, are you?

-I haven't played for years.

I wasn't talking football.

-See, that's what I like about you, always with the quick reply.

-Joey?

Gran's coming for tea.

What, here?

No, it's the last place she'd come. 4 o'clock, at home. Be there, yeah?

Let me down if you want, but...not an old girl.

-You don't know for sure that this was down to Jay.

-Who else could it have been?

No-one else knows.

"Information received," the police said. Come on, Pops, work it out. I have.

So, what now, eh? What are you going to do?

Go marching round there, shout the odds? Deck him?

-Maybe.

-'Bout time you started thinking of this little one.

I am thinking of her!

And d'you know what? I could actually lose her cos of this.

Oi, oi, easy, easy, easy! Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Hey, Sasha, Sasha, Sasha...

Got me in enough trouble last time.

-Basketball?

-Yeah, but that was an accident, though, innit?

It doesn't matter what it was.

I took the blame for you and now I've got to work it off.

Not much work being done so far.

-It's really dusty in there.

-Stay out here, then.

-Yeah?

As long as you like - I'm thinking "outside display".

Tempt the passing punters to stop and take a look,

and when you've stacked that box there's another four indoors.

This is supposed to be study time.

I could be down the library.

He's not interested in you, not really.

-He's just using you to get at me.

-Maybe he's changed.

Alice, he's never even sent you a birthday card before.

Yeah, OK, and he sent you one every year...

Yeah, and we all know why - just playing games.

So why's Gran coming over all of a sudden?

-She going to pile on the pressure too?

-Today was her idea, not mine.

That shop across the road sells cakes, don't it?

4 o'clock.

So, he got you your money back, did he?

-Er, yeah, a bit.

-And why would he do that?

Because he's a nice guy.

Oh. No other reason, no?

-Such as?

-Such as...he really fancies you.

How should I know?

Well, you know.

Yeah, you know, you always know.

Well, he hasn't made a move, if that's what you mean.

-That's a shame.

-What?

-Because YOU blatantly fancy him as well.

-Yeah, who said that?

-You don't have to.

-It's written all over your face.

-You all right, Jack?

-Yeah. You?

-Yeah. You look like you're putting on weight?

-Do what?

-I'm not surprised, really, pigging out on that rotten muck every day.

-Oh, I see.

You got the Vic doing breakfasts now, in't you?

You're out trying to drum up some trade.

I'm not trying to drum up anything.

-You fling around insults for the sake of it?

-I'm not insulting you.

You just called me fat.

No, I said you look like you're piling on a few extra pounds,

-but I know a great way to burn 'em off.

-Oh, yeah, sounds interesting.

-Mmm.

Football.

Hold your breath, already had the hard sell from Alfie.

-This is from me, not that muppet.

-No, he's been trying to sign me up to that team of his for days.

-Nah, nah. It's not his team. It's my team. I've taken over.

-Really?

I'm in charge of everything - team tactics, oranges at half-time -

might even throw in the odd rub-down if you play really well, yeah?

The list is in the Vic if you fancy putting your name down.

Well, offers like that, you might have a fair few takers.

Oh, I'd get in quick, then.

CHEERING ON LAPTOP

-Rugby.

-What?

-That's where it is.

-Where what is?

-The torch.

Rugby.

It's making its way all the way up to Leicester today.

You should come and have a look,

there's some right characters taking it on.

Look, Lo...

..there is no point in you just sitting here, brooding, all right?

It ain't going to solve nothing.

I was thinking, maybe we could go out, do something...?

No, you're right.

What?

No point at all.

Oh. I thought maybe we could go down the park.

-No, I should be doing something about this.

-What?

-Ta, Pops.

-Lola?

-Really, really good advice.

-No, no... Where are you going?

-To get some answers.

-Oh, so you are going to kick off, then?

-Well, it depends on the answers.

-Lola, what have I told you?

This isn't just about you any more.

You get in any more trouble, what's going to happen to the little one?

I don't plan on getting in any more trouble.

You didn't plan on getting caught with the last lot.

Well, I need to know who it was.

-I thought you didn't care.

-I didn't, but if someone did you wrong, wouldn't you want to know who?

-What difference does it make?

-A big difference. What if it's someone that I thought was a mate?

Oh, right, so if it was Jay, then what?

-Then I want him to look me in the eye and tell me.

-And?

-Tell me the truth.

-And then what?

-Then nothing.

-What, that's it?

-Yeah.

You're just going to turn round and walk away?

No, he will, feeling this small.

-And that's it?

-It is.

Fair enough. I suppose he's got it coming to him.

-Yeah, he does, for starters anyway.

-Hey! Lola!

-So, someone in the frame?

-Yeah. You know that kid, Lola, don't you?

-How'd the Old Bill get onto her?

-That is the sixty-four-thousand dollar question.

-I've got work to do, so...

-Do you need a hand?

-Why, are you offering?

-No, not personally.

-Nah, didn't think so.

-My Joey's at a loose end, though.

-Oh, yeah?

-I didn't know he was looking for work.

-He ain't, not yet, but he's spending more time round here,

-so he might as well earn a few bob while he's at it.

-Del, I ain't got a few bob, not to spare anyway.

Anyway, is he going to be all right with you asking about?

-I thought he didn't want nothing to do with you?

-Families, innit?

You know what they're like.

Always more than meets the eye. You missed a bit. All right, Michael?

-Yeah, all right.

-How's Janine and the baby?

-Yeah, you know, Janine's being discharged today, so...

-Oh, that's good.

-Yeah.

-Send 'em my regards.

-Will do.

Has he had a personality transplant or something?

Oh, no, he's playing at being a caring dad, I think.

-How's everything? All right?

-Yeah, you know...

-You back to business?

-Yeah, a bit of business, then back to the hospital.

Cheers.

< KNOCK ON DOOR

-What do you want?

-Not you.

-Not anyone in this house.

-Hiding, is he?

-He ain't down the Arches.

-If you're talking about Jay,

-he's gone to get some parts.

-I've got a message for him.

-I'll pass it on.

I'd rather deliver it in person. I don't care what you or Pops has to say.

Should have expected this, I suppose - all grasses are cowards.

-Jay ain't a grass.

-So how did they get onto me?

Deserved it too, after what you did, but it weren't Jay.

-He told you that, did he?

-He didn't need to.

-You'd work that out if you had half a brain.

-How did the Old Bill find out?

Ta-ra.

-You're mates with the market boys, ain't you?

-Some of them.

Well, have a word with them, that's what I'm saying.

You know, bend their arms a bit - if that don't work, break a few.

-Actually, Kat, you know what? To be honest...

-What?

-Don't you tell me you're backing out?

-Look, I don't really have time

-for all of this.

-It's just a few matches. Maybe a bit of training.

Exactly - matches, training.

-I've got a full-time job in case you hadn't noticed.

-It's good exercise.

Like I don't do enough running around here all day.

Not that you need a lot of training, seeing as you're pretty fit already.

So, what, you calling me fit?

Come on, Ray, this'd be the making of the Vic, eh?

It won't only be the footballers that'd be in here,

it'd be all the supporters as well.

Think about it, all them new punters sampling your grub.

So this is a kind of work thing, then?

Mmm. Exactly.

All right, so if this is a work thing, yeah,

and I spend my time playing, matches and training,

then that'd be work too, then, yeah?

I'm not paying you for playing if that's what you mean.

All right, all right, all right,

but you could give me some time off in lieu, though, couldn't you,

IF I decide to keep my mind on all this

AND I have a word with some of the boys on the market?

See, the thing is,

-there's this exhibition that I wanted to take Sasha to next week...

-All right.

All right, deal.

All right. Well, if that be the case, you'd better put Winston down.

I spoke to him earlier on, he said he was well up for it.

Alfie...another player for the team.

Easy, Sash. You all right? Want a hand?

Done enough damage, haven't you?

Yeah, well, that's why I'm offering, innit, to make it up to you?

So, er, where do... where do these go?

What, here?

Walking disaster area, you two.

Pick 'em up.

Sorry. Sorry.

Do me a favour - next time you decide to help, don't.

Well, how about I buy you some lunch, then, instead?

-Probably give me food poisoning.

-McKlunky's, yeah, on me?

Anything you like.

Yeah. OK, then.

OK, then.

You all right, Joey?

Give me a hand pushing this, will you?

Cheers.

Not quite as fit as I used to be.

Never were, from what I remember.

You're still as mouthy, though, ain't you?

Phwoar, I would... if I wasn't with Tyler, obviously.

-Yeah.

-Wouldn't you?

-He's my cousin.

-What if he weren't your cousin?

No, that's disgusting!

I said if, Lauren, if?

-Maybe.

-You would.

THEY GIGGLE

I'm sorry I can't help you out, by the way.

-Eh?

-Well, it's like I was telling your old man,

there's plenty of work to go round, just not enough money.

Thanks again, yeah?

Well, they're hardly in the first flush of youth, are they?

I'll take anyone right now, just so long as they've got two arms,

two legs and don't have a bus pass.

You know what you need? You need a real man,

someone who knows what they're doing.

Anyone particular in mind?

-Well, there's no-one on that list.

-Beggars can't be choosers.

Why be a beggar at all when the answer's right under your nose?

If you mean you, you really do need help.

Me? No, I was thinking of my boy, Joey. He's always been handy round a football.

-D'you think he'll be interested?

-Ask him.

Why don't you?

It's always better coming from a lady.

That motormouth Lola was bending my ear earlier on.

She's been leaving me messages all morning.

-Reckons it's all down to you grassing her up.

-I wouldn't grass her up.

Well, someone did.

-I told Max, and I only told him so he'd keep shtoom.

-So what happened?

-Change his mind, did he?

-That sound like Max to you?

-Who else, then?

Look, I've been thinking, and yes, I know it's unusual,

but I was thinking how I can help you out.

Like you just did with them books(?)

Look, your dad's been saying you've got to do this work experience thing.

Don't remind me. I'll probably end up stacking shelves in some awful supermarket somewhere.

But that's what you're doing anyway. Well, not in a supermarket,

-but in a shop, yeah?

-I don't understand.

Why don't you tell your school that you're doing your work experience early

at the charity shop, and then maybe, that way, you will not have to do it any more?

-That's your idea of helping, is it?

-Well, at least you get something out of it, innit?

I want to do something exciting on work experience,

something worthwhile, something that will stretch me,

that might actually get me somewhere.

I don't just want to waste my time on something that doesn't matter.

-Don't you understand anything?

-OK, ladies, these are two kebabs here, one with chips and salad,

-and one with the hot, hot, hot sauce for Kimmy.

-Thank you.

-Looking hot in pink.

-SHE LAUGHS

I understand one thing.

You fancy him, don't you?

No.

-Course you do.

-Rubbish.

-Come on.

-He's a nice boy.

-For goodness' sake!

-You're a lovely looking girl.

For the last time, I do not fancy Fat Boy.

Um...drinks?

Yeah, I'll have a drink. Yeah, let's have drinks.

-Oh, OK, enjoy.

-Thank you.

-That's all right.

-Oi, where have you been?

-Keep your hair on.

-I ain't been getting in any trouble.

-You don't have to - trouble's already here.

-What?

Oh!

Look, he turned up about a half hour ago.

I got your social worker here,

so just let her do all the talking, yeah?

What now, eh? I've answered all your questions. I wasn't there.

I don't know anything about any car,

and I don't care what any dirty little grass has been whispering in your ear either.

We have evidence to suggest that you were at the scene of the crime.

So? I've been looking at a few motors lately.

-Pops has been teaching me to drive, ain't you, Pops?

-At 15?

-I'm advanced for my age.

-We'll need to go to the station to answer any further questions, Lola.

-What's happening?

-You should know.

-Come on, Bill.

-They've charged her.

They've found her dabs all over the car lot.

OK, maybe this one wasn't down to you.

-Yeah, it weren't.

-All right.

You tell whoever shopped her, this ain't a joke.

This lot are talking youth court, the works,

and OK, maybe she shouldn't have done what she did,

but so what? Max is going to lose a little bit of business.

She could lose everything cos of this.

ENGINE STARTS

Just can't seem to do right for doing wrong.

-Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood. It ain't easy.

-I ain't a parent.

-Ray is.

-I know,

and if I still want to keep seeing him, yadda, yadda, yadda...

Listen, just save the lecture, I already got it from my sis, all right?

You're going to have to find some way to connect to her.

Oh, I connect with her.

I put my foot in it every time I open up my gob.

I keep winding her up for no reason. I don't know why.

Maybe you should find out what's important to her,

-what she's interested in.

-Yeah? I tried that earlier in McKlunky's,

-and that did not go down very well.

-McKlunky's?

-Ah!

She's interested in dance, but you mean like important things, innit?

Like schoolwork?

Maths, science and stuff like that, innit?

-I did say it wasn't going to be easy.

-Yeah.

-Football?

-Yeah, or are you more of a chess man or dominoes?

-I play a bit, yeah.

-All right, then, play for us, your local team.

-This ain't my local.

-Oh, I thought...

-What?

Someone been bending your ear about me, have they, someone like my old man?

Yeah, I'll take that as a yes, shall I?

-I'm just looking for a few likely lads.

-Oh, yeah.

-He put my name in the frame, did he?

-Maybe he thought you'd enjoy it, a bit of fun.

-Don't know him too well, do you?

-Don't have a go at me.

Ah! So, just the one name, then? Not having much luck, are you, darling?

-There's Max.

-No, hold on. Max's name is not on the list, is it?

-But it will be. ..You all right, Max?

-All right, Kat?

What can I get you?

Just an orange juice, please.

-You're off the hook.

-What?

-The police have just arrested Lola,

found her fingerprints all over the car lot.

-You don't look too surprised.

-Well, nothing that one does surprises me.

-Is that the only reason?

-Look, I can't get into trouble, and you know that.

-I ain't going to risk losing Bobby. It's me or her.

-That's not the point...

-And I choose me.

What would you do?

No, I was just checking, that's all. Yeah.

Yeah, my mistake.

Seen Derek?

-Not since this morning.

-Only I need a word.

Just spoke to Gran, though.

She knows nothing about coming for tea tonight,

probably because she's not, is she?

What's the idea, Joey?

Get me home, lock the doors, barricade the windows?

Get a life.

Coffee, please.

All right?

Things are looking good, then? I've just been talking to Max.

Yeah, yeah. Touch and go.

So fragile, aren't they?

Yeah.

You feel...helpless.

Yeah.

Do me a favour, Kat, when am I going to find the time to play football?

-Yeah, Jack said you'd be chicken.

-Been twisting his arm an' all?

-Didn't need to.

-He jumped at it.

-He ain't got a flaming wedding to sort out, has he?

Ooh, you make it sound like it's a chore.

I didn't mean it like that.

-Should be fun, shouldn't it? Planning your big day an' all that?

-Yeah, it is.

I mean, I know it's your second time round and that, but still.

No, it's just Tanya, innit?

She's had a rough time, it's bound to have some effect.

By the sounds of it, it hasn't been a barrel of laughs for you either.

You know what I need, don't you?

-A good old work-out on some muddy football pitch somewhere.

-That's it.

You can work off those frustrations.

I didn't say anything about any frustrations.

Maybe I can recognise the signs.

Is that right?

Is what right?

Looking for work?

Not you as well.

What's that?

Been asking you too, has he? My interfering old man?

No, I'm the last person your old man would come to for a favour.

-Sounds like you don't really like him very much.

-Not exactly, no.

If you want to hack him off, I could do with some help behind the bar.

He might play games...

I don't.

-What happened?

-In court, Tuesday.

-Social worker says I should just plead guilty, get it over and done with.

-So, what,

you're just going to roll over?

-I'm bang to rights anyway, so what's the point?

-And what'll happen then?

-It's up to the magistrates. Come on.

-They wouldn't...

Don't matter what they do, does it? Too late.

Listen, it weren't me, all right? You know that, don't you?

Don't matter who it was, does it? Not now.

Lo.

Oh, I've had another idea.

Oh, no.

Now, about this work experience thing you've got to do, yeah?

-Not again!

-Listen, I've got this mate,

now he's a regular little brainbox, and he works in a hospital.

Now I know that you're really interested in blood and gore

-and all that kind of stuff, yeah?

-A hospital?

-Yeah.

-As in a real-life, working hospital...

Yes.

..with doctors and nurses and all that?

-Yeah, and he's not a porter, if that's what you're getting at.

-You mean he's an actual doctor?

Yeah, well, sort of. You see, he doesn't actually work with, like, live patients...

-What, you mean he's in forensics?

-Into what?

-But that's my favourite field.

-I know!

-And you could get me to work with him?

-I could ask.

-That would be fantastic!

-Yeah.

-Alfie?

-Hm?

-Look at this.

Ooh!

Well, Harry Redknapp, how did you do it?

Must be my natural charm...

Got them queueing up to play, ain't you?

-..or the free oranges at half-time.

-Jack, Max, most of the lads from the market.

Alfie, what can I say? You've either got it or you ain't.

I have and you ain't.

That's right, innit? Only there's one problem.

-What problem?

-One minute we ain't got enough, now we've got too many.

Seems to me you're going to have to disappoint a few players.

HE LAUGHS

Doing it again, ain't you, hm? Playing games?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Do me a favour, Derek.

Everywhere I've been today, it's all I've had, YOU,

in me face, talking to Max about me,

even talking to the landlady of this place about me.

-What makes you think I'm playing games?

-Where you're concerned, everything always is.

-Maybe I'm just trying to find out what's on offer for you.

-Because?

-Build some bridges.

-It's a bit late for that, innit?

-Well, that's what I'm trying to find out.

-Yeah, well, don't try!

Just ask...and I'll tell you.

Yeah...it is too late.

You know, I thought with you being a little bit older, we might be able to...

What, that I'd check my brain out, like my sister?

You're just doing what you've always done - trying to pull the wool over my eyes,

trying to convince me that you're not a slimy toad no more.

It's pathetic.

You know, I don't know why I bother.

Finally learnt your lesson, have you?

Like you said yourself, I've got my daughter here.

Don't count on it.

-She's here, ain't she?

-Don't get too used to that.

You never was worth bothering about.

Cos I saw through you?

My little Alice, she's an angel...

whereas you,

you're just the runt of the litter.

You got a minute?

That offer of yours...

Looks like I might need to stick around for a bit.

So I reckon it'll suit me down to the ground.

Good.

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