03/07/2012 EastEnders

Seeing as it is your day off today,

I am going to spoil you rotten, my little angel.

We are going to start with a proper cooked breakfast.

And then I might have a little surprise for you.

I said he could stay the night. Make it easier for his new job.

I got a job working with Michael.

Oh. Michael.

You don't mind, do you?

No, course not. Nah. Great.

Why don't you sit down and eat that properly?

I ain't got time. I got two MOTs to do

before the footie trials at lunch. All right? See you later.

You enjoying that?

-Yeah, it's great.

-Yeah, sounds like it. You're chewing really loudly.

-I'm chewing like I always chew.

-Yeah. Loudly.

You never complained about it before.

It's amazing, the things you get used to.

You're like a pneumatic drill. It's going right through me.

Give it a rest, will you? Ain't a crime to chew, is it?

No, but murder is.

And carry on like that, chewy, and I won't be responsible for my actions.

-Where you going?

-Back to bed!

I reckon this football match could be the start of something big.

It's only a friendly.

I know, sweetheart.

But if we do really well, we could join the pub league, couldn't we?

One step at a time, eh?

Nan, can you get this junk off the table?

This ain't junk. It's highly valuable merchandise.

And I reckon this could put the Vic back on track.

It's going to take more than a football match to sort our finances.

No thanks to Michael.

He said he's going to pay us back.

-When exactly?

-I don't know.

Maybe I should go down the hospital and ask him.

Or maybe you should concentrate on the football. What do you reckon, Jean?

Hey, I can just see it now, though. You as the manager.

-Me as your star striker. Back of the net!

-You haven't made the team yet.

-Come on, sweetheart, my name's going to be top of the list, ain't it?

-Let's see how you do at the trial.

-Trial by football.

-You saying I've got to trial with the rest of the numpties?

-Yeah, that's right.

-But I'm sleeping with the manager.

-Exactly, Ulrika.

Which is more the reason why you got to prove yourself.

My Brian used to have a telescope. Not as posh as that.

Used to gaze at the stars for hours. Said he found it very therapeutic.

-Why don't you keep it, Jean?

-Really?

Why not? It'll take your mind off things.

Thank you, Mo! That is really kind of you.

See, that's what I'm talking about. Team Moon.

Pulling together.

It's great Joey decided to stick around, isn't it?

Yeah, it's great. So what made you change your mind?

Oh, you know, thought I'd keep an eye on Alice.

Oh. And there I was thinking it was because of me.

So what's this surprise you've got laid on for me then, Dad?

Well, I thought I would take this opportunity to introduce you

to my world famous - but top-secret - recipe for spaghetti bolognese.

THEY LAUGH

Dad learnt to cook in prison.

One must make good use of one's time

when one is paying one's debt to society.

-Oh, absolutely!

-Absolutely!

What say when we finish up here, we get down the market,

get the ingredients for the spag bol?

What about you, Joe, fancy pitching in?

No, you're all right. Somewhere I need to be.

Oi! So, Mrs Moon,

what exactly have you got planned for the trials, then?

-Ooh, trying to get inside info, are we?

-Nah. Course not!

You do know what you're doing, don't ya?

We wouldn't even have a team if it wasn't for me, thank you very much.

-You can be very persuasive when you want to be, can't ya?

-I'm still not telling you what I've got planned.

But seriously though, if you need help with formations or strategies,

-I'm your man.

-Is that right?

Yes! What are you going to do, a classic formation, 4-4-2?

Or you going to do the Christmas Tree formation, with a 4-3-2-1?

Or, my personal favourite, which is the 1-5-3-2, with a sweeper?

That's what you are, is it? The sweeper?

Clearing up all the mess that everyone else leaves behind?

Nah. I'm the front man, ain't I? The star striker. Match-winner.

Glory boy.

We'll see after the trials.

When you've finished that, you can come and help me down the Arches.

Maybe she needs some help. You know, counselling.

What Shirley needs is to go back to work.

Stop moping about and take her mind off things.

MOBILE BEEPS

What is it?

It's a reminder.

Heather's birthday tomorrow.

-Where you going?

-Give it back to Shirl.

Are you mad?

Come on. Pass it.

There you go, boys.

Looking good, guys!

It's like watching Bobby and Jackie Charlton.

-What does that make me, then? Bobby Moore?

-Dudley Moore!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, look, Usain Bolt's about to put in an appearance!

-All right, Billy, you all set for the trials, mate?

-Nah, I can't.

Well, I can't risk getting injured, can I?

I've got an Olympic flame to carry. Besides, I've got enough on my plate with all this Lola business.

-Bill, can't just turn a blind eye, can I?

-Nah, course you can't.

Look Max, I know what she did was wrong.

But she's 16 and she's pregnant. The last thing she needs is you and Lucy making trouble for her.

Yeah, well, my hands are tied, aren't they?

-Yeah, right. See you later.

-Yeah, see you, Billy.

Hello, Jay, you not going the football trials?

Yeah, I'm going to get changed now. How's Lola?

She's got the right hump.

We've got to go court today and Ritchie's told her to plead guilty.

-Some 16th birthday, eh?

-Is it her birthday?

Yeah. Anyway... good luck with the trials.

You should've seen it. Sunday lunch. Whole Branning clan round the table.

Max and Jack trying to outdo each other.

He had hair then, Max. But just as freckly.

And Jack, he was going to be the next Marlon Brando.

All mean and moody. Carol, face like thunder.

April, with her dreams of the future.

Suzy, with her latest boyfriend in tow. Different one every week, her.

Roast potatoes steaming up the window. And me carving the joint.

And the laughter ringing out. That's what I remember the most.

The laughter.

That sounds lovely.

Yeah, it was.

Look at me now -

can't even get me son to sit down and break bread with me.

Shouldn't be surprised, though. It's an unwritten law, innit?

Fathers and sons, always fighting like cats and dogs.

I was just the same with my old man when I was his age.

MOBILE BEEPS

It's Lauren.

Says she needs to see me urgently.

Well, you better get round there then, ain't ya?

-No. It's all right. I'll stay.

-No, go on. You're all right.

I'll finish up here. Just don't be late for lunch.

OK. I won't.

You're not going to do anything stupid, are ya?

Me? Never!

Good. Birthday card.

Cheers.

Listen, you're all right, ain't you, Lo?

Course. I'm 16, ain't I?

I can smoke, have sex - bit late for that, though.

Get married. Probably best not to do 'em all today, though.

Listen, I could come to the court with you if you want.

What, and miss your footie trials?

Yeah, I don't mind. It's not my thing anyway.

Nah, you're all right. Pops is picking me up in a minute.

Tell you what, you can take me for a birthday drink later if you want?

-Celebrate my freedom.

-Yeah, all right then.

ROWDY BANTER

I can feel the testosterone from here.

Yeah, I wondered what the smell was!

Who wants to see their dad in a pair of shorts?

I think it's sexy.

Not Max! Tyler, I mean.

THEY CHUCKLE

Shame your cousin's not trying out, innit?

-Bet he looks all right in a pair of shorts.

-Eugh, Mum!

What? I'm only saying what you're all thinking.

Seriously, though, what is the point in football?

It's all primal, innit?

If they weren't doing that, then they'd be beating their chests

-or wrestling in a field or something.

-Come on, you two! It's exciting.

Y'know, if Max and Tyler get picked, we get to be WAGs.

Great!

THEY LAUGH

What was so urgent?

-Not much competition in here, is it?

-I don't know about that, mate!

-We'll give you a run for your money, don't worry.

-All right...

Shame Ricky ain't here.

-I heard he was a good footballer.

-Shame he left town then, innit?

ALL: Ooh!

-Oi oi!

-Here she is, guv'nor!

THEY CHEER

SHE BLOWS WHISTLE

All right, boys, calm down. Right. The match is tomorrow,

so I ain't got a lot of time to kick you sorry lot in to shape.

-Hello? Some of us are already in shape.

-All right!

So I'll be testing your stamina...

..how fit you are...

and your ball-control skills.

THEY LAUGH

-But most importantly, your ability to score.

-Go on, girl!

-This is football you're talking about, ain't it?

-Course I am. What else?

This is what I call man management.

-Alfie don't know what he's let himself in for.

-Course I do,

that's why I married the girl!

So, just so you know, I ain't got no time for prima donnas.

So what I say goes, all right?

Yes, boss! Yes!

-And just remember, if you're picked...

-There's no ifs about it.

If you're picked, you'll be playing for the honour of the Queen Vic!

Yes! Go on the Queen Vic! Come on, boys.

Wait for me!

All right, Nan? What you come as - a saveloy?

THEY LAUGH

Meet your official team physio. Magic sponge at the ready.

Well, that should be an incentive to keep us injury-free.

And you're the first on my list for a post-match rub down.

RAUCOUS CHEERING

Yeah!

Right, come on then. Let's get this show on the road.

Why are you still playing games?

I was just trying to save you from a day in with Delia.

As long as this doesn't turn into another lecture about Dad.

No. Course not.

You oughta give Mum a call, though. Clear the air.

Because if you're going to be sticking around, we all need to try

-and find a way to get on, right?

-Right.

Good. So I'll see you at lunch.

One step at a time, eh?

All Dad wants is for us to just sit down and have a proper family lunch.

Just the three of us. It would mean the world to him.

And to me.

He's a bit good!

-Obviously rates himself, don't he?

-No, he's all show, ain't he?

-What's the matter, Grandad, worried you're not going to be able to keep up?

-Ha, you see! Quoted for truth!

HE LAUGHS

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

-Look at them pants!

-Oh that's mature, ain't it.

Don't do that in front of the ladies, man! It's not funny.

You wait till bath time after the match. I'll see it all then.

-She ain't serious, is she?

-Afraid you ain't going to measure up?

-No! That's not what I mean.

-No. I'm just saying, it's not right...

-Mate. She's winding you up.

-What?

-She's winding you up.

-Oh, that's funny. Like, mixed baths. As if, you know...

Kat, just to let you know - Fats is good in that department. So Kat, if you need to...

Yes. Get on, get on. On, boy!

Bet you're loving all this, ain't you? Blokes running around in shorts doing exactly what you say.

I don't know what you mean(!) Now get on that bus before I give you extra laps round that pitch.

-Oi! Alfie! Come on.

-Come on, lads!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Have you seen my phone?

-No.

Listen, I need you to go down the club for me.

I'm busy.

-I need you to take a delivery.

-Why can't you do it?

Because I've got a load of motors turning up at the Arches that need sorting out.

And with Janine in hospital, well, it's all hands on deck.

Shirley?

Fine!

So? How did it go with Alice?

HE SIGHS

She's... just so stubborn, you know.

Hmm. Must be a family trait.

THEY CHUCKLE

But give her time and she'll soon see what Derek's really like.

And what if she don't, eh?

Then you're just going to have to open her eyes.

Trust me, I've been trying, but...

But?

Right. You don't want her to hate you for it.

Then you're just going to have to be really, really clever about it then, aren't ya?

SHE CHUCKLES

-Here y'are.

-Thank you.

How comes you're not trying out for the footie, then?

Not sure I'm going to be sticking around too long.

I thought you had a job here.

-Derek.

-Oh, right.

See, the thing is with Joey is he's a control freak.

He always has to have everything his own way.

Taste.

That's awesome! But he'll come round. Eventually.

Well, let's hope so, eh? But I wouldn't hold your breath.

-Why did you sign for it?

-You weren't here.

And the bloke said you were expecting 'em.

Well, the cars, yeah. But not...not that!

The whiff of court. Lo. Come on, babe.

Otherwise they're going to stop serving lunch.

And I've gotta get back to work.

Janine's counting on me now, ain't she?

Hey, you hear little baby Pat's on the mend?

Good news, innit?

I can't believe it's only a week ago they had that big marquee up and everything in the square.

You going like that?

Er... Yeah. Why not?

-Oh, I see - you ashamed to be seen out with me, is that it?

-No. No.

I just don't see why you gotta go round flaunting that. It ain't like,

something to be proud of, is it?

MUSIC PLAYING: "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League

-You all right, Jean?

-What you got there?

-This will be my gateway to the stars.

-If I can understand it.

-Oh, very nice.

What, new hobby, is it?

Well, we all need something to take our mind off things.

# We're on the march with Kathleen's army,

# We're all going to Wem-ber-ley! #

Wemberley!

# And we're going to shake 'em up when we win the FA Cup

# Cos The Queen Vic are the greatest football team. #

-How did it go?

-Just call me the hat-trick king.

-He's a bit full of himself, ain't he?

-He is tasty, though.

-I bet he's no match for you warriors.

You know what, I don't know him but I like him. I like him.

Look at you, all out of puff.

Yeah. You want to work on your stamina, Max.

That's the story of his life.

# Little donkey, little donkey... #

Yes, all right, very funny. What's the matter with you?

I think you might've broke it.

Oh, Mo, it's not broken. It's just a bit of cramp. Get off, you dirty mare. Trying to cop a feel.

What's the matter with you? And if some of us, not mentioning no names, hadn't been so selfish,

I wouldn't have had to run around like a lunatic, would I?

Mate, listen. What can I say? I mean, some of us are thoroughbreds.

-And some of us are workhorses.

-Yeah, yeah. Kat hasn't picked the team yet.

And I'm sure she'll make the right decision, won't you, love of my life?

Oh, I'm sure she will. Make sure, Kat!

I know it's hard, but you can't keep moping about like this.

Shirley!

Don't you think I know that?

D'you think I enjoy sitting at home watching daytime rubbish telly?

You have no idea how annoying Jeremy Kyle is. I'd like to rip the weasel's head off.

Do you think I like drinking halfway through the day listening to tragic '80s songs?

Then let me help you.

How? What can you do?

Can you take the pain away?

I dunno.

I know you've got too much time on your hands.

Too much time to think. And too much time to remember.

What? What do you want me to do?

-You want me to forget about Hev? Forget about what happened?

-No. Course not. But...

Shirl, it's time to move on.

And Heather wouldn't want you moping about like this, would she, eh?

I dunno, she could mope with the best of them.

Why don't you come back here and work?

No. I don't want to be cooped up in here.

HE CHUCKLES

I know just the thing.

-What do you reckon your chances then?

-I dunno.

I was always last to get picked for sports at school.

Come on, sweetheart!

-Come on then, put us out of our misery!

-All right. I've chose the team. So -

in goal... Andrew.

Just call me safe hands.

In defence, Winston... Jay...

-Nice one, Jay!

-..Syed and Masood.

-They had to go back to work.

-Ah, boo...

-In midfield, Anthony...

-Yes!

-..Fat Boy...

-Yes! Just call me bouncer!

..and the Branning boys.

Midfield generals. Thank you.

And up front...Tyler Moon...

-Yes! Naturally.

-..and...

-Alfie!

-Hey, get in there!

-The rest of you are on the bench.

Kat. How come you're choosing Alfie instead of me?

Because Alfie's a team player.

-Come on, Raymondo. No hard feelings, it's all about age over experience. Right?

-Yeah, whatever.

And it's nice to know you'll be on the bench if I need a breather!

-All right, Max? What can I get you?

-Same again, please.

You sure about Alfie?

Yeah, like I said, he's a team player.

Safety net, more like. And team players don't win matches.

Winning is all about taking risks.

And you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I'm a proper little thrill seeker.

-You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

-No. It'll be great, won't it?

You know - open road. Fresh air...

-Stench of fried onions.

-Come on, where's your sense of adventure, eh?

-It's a wreck!

-You like a challenge, don't ya?

My life's one big challenge, living with you.

So - you up for it then?

If it keeps you off my back.

This is really good.

You wait till you taste the trifle I've knocked up for dessert.

Don't you mean your world famous trifle?

THEY LAUGH

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hey, sis.

-You came!

Couldn't let you down, could I?

Not too late, am I?

No. Course you ain't. Come on. Sit down. Sit.

There you go. You tuck into that, eh?

This is nice, isn't it?

-Well, I hope there's plenty more.

-Why, are you hungry?

I'm starving. I invited a few mates round for lunch.

You don't mind, do you?

-Joey said there was some grub going.

-Go on, everyone. Don't be shy. There's plenty to go round.

Help yourselves.

Nice, mate. Cos I tell you what, I am ravenous!

There you go, Anthony, you sit there.

And pride of place for you, Lucy.

Er, where can I sit, then?

-You're family. You can stand.

-Oh, charming(!)

-Well, go on, everyone, tuck in.

-This is cream of the crop, Del.

Really? I think it's missing something. A little salt, maybe.

Mmm. Yeah, that's much better.

Here, Alice, you should have some more salt too.

-I don't want any.

-Hey, no need to be polite.

All family here. There you go.

Well, this is nice, ain't it?

-Del, Del, Del!

-Dad! No! Stop it!

-You get out of this house!

-Now! Now!

-Dad!

Alice. Meet your dad.

-All right, birthday girl, you all set for that drink?

-What - with this?

-It didn't go well, then?

-Top marks, Sherlock. Got a tag and community service.

But you can still go for a drink, can't ya?

-Long as I'm back in time for my curfew.

-Look on the bright side.

And what exactly is the bright side, Einstein?

At least you didn't get sent down. And you get to keep the baby.

Giving birth in a tag.

Classy. Still, least it's keeping up my family's tradition, eh?

My gran'd be well proud.

Listen, Lola...

That Lucy's going to pay for this.

Lucy was wrong to grass you up, yeah. But...

But what?

Oh, right. So this is all my fault, is it?

I only did this for you, Jay! So you better decide whose side you're on!

Well, say something.

Are you all right, darling?

How could you do it?

You knew how important this was to Dad. But you had to go and ruin it.

What? I'm sorry. All right?

But I had to show you the kind of man he really is.

Oh yeah? And what kind of man are you, eh?

What kind of man deliberately sabotages his own sister's happiness?

And for what? To make some misguided point, borne out of hatred?

He didn't do this because he loves you.

He did this because he hates me.

Don't listen to any of this. All this rubbish about wanting his family around him.

He doesn't care about you! He doesn't care about any of us.

Now come on. Let me take you home.

This is my home now.

And you're wrong. He DOES care about me.

And he cares about you. You just won't let him.

Now I want you to apologise.

Yeah? When hell freezes over.

Then I think you should leave.

What?! Alice, you're making a huge mistake here.

Fine.

But sooner or later, she'll have her eyes opened.

It's only a matter of time.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd