04/07/2012 EastEnders


04/07/2012

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Right, lads.

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From this moment, I don't want you to think of me as Kat Moon,

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landlady of the Queen Vic,

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but The Guv'nor.

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You know why Sir Alex Ferguson's so successful, don't ya?

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-He ain't got a pair of these!

-Derek?!

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Sorry, Derek, what was that?

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I'm just saying, can you name me any other female managers, Kat?

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Oh, right.

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Derek seems to think that me being a good looking bird

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is going to put you boys off.

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If you think you're going to struggle with that,

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I suggest you walk out that door right now.

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No? Good.

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Because, as the GUV'NOR...

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I want you to go out there and show some passion.

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Some guts.

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-And I want you to bring back the win. do you think you can do that?

-Come

-on,

-boys!

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What was that?

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I've heard louder mosquitoes! I said, do you think you can do that?

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THEY ALL CHEER

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Like your style, Kat.

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Very nice.

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Kat.

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You know, if winning is so important to you,

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how come you're subbing your lethal weapon?

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Because it also happens to have a dangerously large ego!

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Oh-ho-ho-ho!

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Assertive women. Love 'em.

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-Mate, she kills me.

-Right, the bus leaves in five.

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So make sure everyone's been to the little boys' room

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and then we'll set off.

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-That's right, boys.

-Oi.

-What?

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-How did I do?

-Darling, I gotta say, you were fantastic.

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Seriously. And if I didn't have to get on the bus,

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-I'd sneak you upstairs right now.

-Alfie Moon, hold that thought.

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OK, give me a kiss.

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Just wanted to see how you are.

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Fat. Bored. Stuck indoors.

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I love being 16.

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I tell you what, why don't I take you out for a drink?

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I thought you had football?

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Nah, I didn't get in.

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Yeah, yeah - you mean you only made the bench?

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Least you ain't in prison.

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-Come on, I've brought 'em now.

-Don't want your blood gifts.

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You all right, Michael?

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-You think a few poxy shirts is going to get you back in with the family?

-Let's have a look.

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-Oh, these are great. Thank you.

-You're welcome.

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How's little Pat?

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Yeah, she's, you know, she's better.

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She's, she's a tenacious little thing, so...

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Had to come back and get more clothes

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cos her existing ones, they don't fit her. They're too big.

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If you need anything, yeah?

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Thank you, Kat.

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See ya.

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-Don't say it.

-Well...

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-Where's Trace?

-She's running late.

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-Great! She knows we've got a match and Jean's polishing her telescope!

-Give it a rest!

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Here, have a look, what do you reckon?

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Yeah, add at the bottom, "Join us after to celebrate."

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-Feeling confident, ain't ya?

-I am, yeah!

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Right, come on everybody, drink up!

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Let's go, we've got a football match to go to! Come on, The Vic!

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You know he's only on the bench, right?

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Well...not for long if Kat's got half a brain.

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So...what do you think?

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Funny, don't see them WAGs covered in face paints, do you?

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Grab me some baby wipes, would you, yeah?

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-Got one for me, darling?

-Yep, here y'are.

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Luke, you can stand in for Jay - seeing as he can't be bothered to turn up.

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Come on, Kat, man!

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No! It's Guv'nor.

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Do you reckon there'll be scouts there today?

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Yes, heard there's a spot on the England squad going.

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-And if you play really well, you might get signed up for a

-real

-pub league.

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-Sweet.

-Here y'are.

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Remember what I told you about looking before you kick the ball.

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How many times? I told you, I tripped on a divot.

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-What's a divock?

-A

-divock

-doesn't exist -

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much like Dad's imaginary divot.

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-All right, son, don't get cocky!

-Yeah, Syed, don't mock the elderly.

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-Oi.

-I'm only joking, Mas!

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Anyway, Alfie's the senior citizen of this team, ain't you, darling?

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Don't listen to her, Masood. We're still in our prime.

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Come on, son, let's go. Come on the lads!

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-Hi, Alf.

-All right?

-All right?

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-All right?

-Brought yourself to watch a girl's team, then?

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Gotta support my little brothers, ain't I?

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I been watching them since they were knee high, their little legs!

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DEREK LAUGHS

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Oi, Max Branning, what have I told you about smoking?

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All right, Miss.

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-Thought you was talking about on the pitch!

-Ha-ha-ha(!) Get on the coach.

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Excuse me.

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Anthony, hope this ain't one of yours.

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Oh, all right, darling?

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Oh, do me a fav...

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-Oh, easy, easy! Easy!

-Come off it!

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Oh, get in there, son!

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THEY CHEER

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Jealousy's an unattractive quality, boys.

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Hope you're going to save some of that passion

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-in the tank for me, Jack.

-Always.

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That mine?

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-Oh, yeah. Here y'are.

-Thank you.

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Right, come on then, driver. Let's go!

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THEY ALL CHANT

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Wait for us! Wait for us!

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Can we go home now?

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Kim don't give up that easy, you know.

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All right, come on.

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What, you just going to stand there?

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Get stuck in.

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PHIL CHUCKLES

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Dear, oh, dear.

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Boys, get those legs up!

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This is like one of them naked-in-school dreams.

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Vivienne Martinez - manager of the Old Lions.

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Kathleen Moon, Queen Victoria.

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My lot could do with a break today.

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Excuse me?

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Don't worry, I'll tell them to go easy.

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Yeah, if they want to get caught with their pants down.

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Right, lads, I want you to get out there and smash it!

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-Play dirty if necessary.

-And I thought this was going to be boring!

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Go on, boys!

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Go on the boys!

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CROWD CHEERS AND SHOUTS

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One text, eh? What's so great about Costa Rica

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-that she can't spare the time for that?

-I dunno, Jay.

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-Probably the hot Costa Rican boys.

-You reckon?

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-Ugh!

-What?

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You're supposed to be cheering me up, not the other way round!

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-What are you doing?

-Keys...

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Want to add breaking and entering to your list of crimes as well?

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It's all right, I'll be at home and tucked up in bed

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by my eight o'clock curfew.

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Technically speaking, it's just entering.

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What about Shirley's Shack?

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I ain't selling cockles on the seafront.

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You got any better ideas?

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-Yeah, Beef Me Up!

-PHIL LAUGHS

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What? I like it.

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What do you reckon, Ben? The name for my burger van?

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Dad, can I have a word?

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Don't you feel bad?

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It's Heather's birthday today and she ain't got a clue.

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Yeah, and have you seen her? She's smiling.

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When was the last time you saw that, eh?

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It just don't feel right, you know? Not to mark it.

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And you need to move on as well, Ben.

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I think we should tell her.

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Do you really think now is the time for honesty?

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Hmm?

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Do you?

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What was that?! What was that?!

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-That's it, I'm off!

-Come on, lads!

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I've seen more passion in a retirement home!

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-Push forward!

-Calm down, we're a team!

-Come on then, boys! Come on!

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Jack! Jack! Whoa, whoa, whoa...!

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Hiya, you all right?

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Sorry we're late - Zainab was driving.

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Er, excuse me!

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You'd still be stuck on the Square if it wasn't for me.

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So how are we doing, babe?

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-3-0.

-Well, that's good.

-To them.

-What?

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'Ere, Kat, stick Ray on, man. He'll sort you out!

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She's got a point, y'know.

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-Know what I'm doing.

-Listen, you got to start taking some risks.

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You ain't going to win the match by keeping your old man happy.

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Yeah? Then how come he's about to score? COME ON, ALFIE!

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Go on, Alf! Go on, Alfie!

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Come on, come on!

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Go on!

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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THEY ALL SHOUT

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We got a penalty!

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THEY ALL CHEER Yes!

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-Come on, Ty.

-No, it's all right, I'll take it. I'll take it.

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No, no, Alfie, let Tyler...

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-I'll take the penalty, all right?

-Sure?

-Yeah, it's all right.

-You sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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-Go on, Alfie!

-Come on, Alfie! Come on!

-Alfie, keep it low, yeah?

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-Come on, Alfie!

-Come on!

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THEY ALL SHOUT AND CHEER

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-Oh, no!

-Do me a favour!

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-Stick Ray on, man!

-Chin up, Alf. Come on.

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Pint of lager, please.

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You got any ID?

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I know, shall we make some cocktails?

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Your baby don't stand a chance.

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For you, moron.

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They're making a mockery of our defence.

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Masood, Syed - wake up!

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Mid-field - keep up the good work, Jack.

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Safe hands? Yeah, right.

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If you tried to put your head in your hands, you'd miss!

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Max - plenty of teasing, not enough action. Don't hold back.

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Yes, boss.

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-Fat Boy.

-Yes, your main man's right here.

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Not enough teasing. You're rushing it.

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Treat the ball like you would a woman.

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Ty? Anthony?

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Yeah, say no more. Ray, you're in.

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Come on, you lot. Huddle up.

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-Come on! We're not losers!

-Come on then, boys.

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Right, what do I want to see?!

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-ALL SHOUT:

-Passion!

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TEAM ALL SHOUT

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Sorry. Sorry, Alfie.

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Hey, what are you talking about? Don't be silly.

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I'm well proud of you, ain't I?

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Come on, the lads, keep your heads up, let's have it...

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Voila.

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That tastes like toilet water.

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That what you drink round yours?

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Here, wait, who am I?

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"Darlin', I made ya that cocktail,

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"so you either better drink up and pay up

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"or take your skinny little butt and get out of my pub."

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Kat?

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KEYS JINGLING

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Get out the back. Get out the back. Quick, quick!

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CROWD SHOUTING

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Go on, Ray! Go on.

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Go on! Go on!

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CROWD CHEER AND APPLAUD

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Well done, boys. Well done!

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Give me a R... R! Give me a A... A!

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-WHISTLE BLOWING

-Unlucky, boys. Well played, boys.

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-Well played.

-Well played.

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Almost had me worried there.

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-Congratulations.

-Cheers.

-Yeah, well done.

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-You want to bring the boys back to The Vic?

-Thanks, might just do that.

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Lovely. Well done, Jack.

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Don't worry. We'll wipe that smile off her face next time, eh?

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First round on you then, Guv, eh?

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Yeah. THEY LAUGH

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RADIO PLAYS

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Won't budge - must be something wedged up against it!

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Cos you ain't pushing hard enough. Get out the way, gimme a go!

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So what do we do now, then?

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..like Chris Waddle, weren't it? Italia '90. Broke my heart.

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Yes, mate, yes.

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So tell us, Alfie, when you were taking aim,

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was it the goals you were lining up

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or that plane that was flying above it?

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Tell me, Jack, when you missed the open goal,

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-were you frightened you were going to mess your hair up?

-Get out of it!

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Your face, though, your face, Alfie, was a picture... "Ooh!"

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Is that supposed to be me, or a dying slug,

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-or is that just your face?

-No, no, this was you, Alfie... "Whey!"

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What about when you missed the open header in the second half?

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-You were like that...

-Oi, don't try putting it back onto him.

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-We ain't going to let you forget this!

-At least he had the guts to stand and take it.

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-I didn't see any of you lot offering.

-No, I offered. I offered.

-He did.

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-I'm proud of him for giving it a go.

-At least his missus still loves him.

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But I bet he ain't getting any tonight!

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-He's got more chance than you, Derek!

-Ahh!

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First round's on me, Trace!

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THEY ALL CHEER

0:14:450:14:46

-ALL CHANT:

-We love you, Kat Moon, we do.

0:14:460:14:49

We love you, Kat Moon, we do. We love you, Kat Moon, we do...

0:14:490:14:53

All right! Shh, calm down, let Mrs Moon talk, thank you.

0:14:530:14:57

Right, your attention for a moment, please.

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Right, first off, I'd like to congratulate the Old Lions on their victory, fair and square.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:050:15:06

But seeing as this is my pub,

0:15:060:15:10

the man of the match award is decided by me.

0:15:100:15:12

So, step up, Mr Ray Dixon!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:150:15:17

Almost saved us from the jaws of defeat - next time, eh, Ray?

0:15:210:15:24

OK, now that's my man, OK!

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Read and weep - he's coming home!

0:15:260:15:29

-Go on, Ray.

-Someone else who caught my attention on the field today -

0:15:300:15:33

Legs of the Match goes to Mr Jack Branning!

0:15:330:15:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:380:15:41

Thank you very much.

0:15:420:15:43

I just want to say a big thank you to my mother and father

0:15:430:15:46

-for the lovely genes.

-What, these ones?

-Yeah, these ones.

0:15:460:15:48

Apologies to my brothers, you know, for taking all the best bits.

0:15:480:15:51

-Oi, oi, oi, shut up!

-Sit down, sit down!

0:15:510:15:54

But most of all, I want to thank my brilliant team for doing me so proud.

0:15:540:15:58

So, kick back and have a good time!

0:15:580:16:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:16:010:16:03

-Oi, big foot, watch your legs.

-All right!

0:16:120:16:15

-Smells nice.

-Yep, none for you, though.

0:16:170:16:20

Impressive skills on the pitch today.

0:16:200:16:22

You ever played professionally?

0:16:220:16:23

You're kidding, right? He's ancient!

0:16:230:16:25

Oi, what do you mean, "ancient"? Go and stick a tune on the jukebox.

0:16:250:16:28

Go on.

0:16:280:16:29

-Nah, nah, cooking's my thing.

-Well, we could do with a chef too.

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Too?

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The Old Lion, Dalston...

0:16:370:16:40

we're missing a good man up front.

0:16:400:16:43

You know, I'm flattered, really, but...I'm happy here. Thanks.

0:16:450:16:49

What a shame.

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Oi, you trying to poach my team?

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Lucky for you he's loyal.

0:16:540:16:56

Glad you know which side your bread's buttered.

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Well, I'm glad you realised

0:17:060:17:07

the goldmine standing right in front of you.

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Shame it took you so long.

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You might be a decent player, but if you're not playing for the team

0:17:120:17:14

you might as well be scoring own goals.

0:17:140:17:16

Kim might think you're God's gift

0:17:160:17:18

but if you believe every word that comes out of her gob,

0:17:180:17:20

you'll be falling on that handsome face of yours.

0:17:200:17:23

Yeah, all right, Guv. Point taken.

0:17:230:17:26

-This done, yeah?

-No, no...

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Ooh!

0:17:290:17:30

Quick, quick, quick - run it under cold water.

0:17:300:17:32

Sorry.

0:17:380:17:39

Don't be.

0:17:400:17:41

I'll just take these, yeah?

0:17:420:17:44

Alfie's right there, we'll just have to wait.

0:17:580:18:00

What time is it? My battery's dead.

0:18:000:18:02

Jay, just tell me. Jay!

0:18:030:18:06

20 to eight.

0:18:080:18:09

-Fantastic, just great(!)

-What? This weren't my idea!

0:18:090:18:12

I'm 16 - having my first baby in a prison.

0:18:120:18:13

Don't be daft, I'll get you out of here. I just...

0:18:130:18:16

How? We're stuck.

0:18:160:18:17

I'm going to be a rubbish mum, ain't I?

0:18:190:18:21

What? Where'd that come from?

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You'll be amazing, Lo.

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Why?

0:18:270:18:29

Because...you're young...

0:18:370:18:40

so you'll remember exactly how she's feeling...

0:18:400:18:42

..you'll give her great advice...

0:18:430:18:45

you're fun, so she'll never get bored...

0:18:450:18:49

you're smart...

0:18:490:18:51

-although you wouldn't necessarily think that now!

-Shut up!

0:18:510:18:54

Seriously, she's a really lucky kid.

0:18:560:19:00

It's women like her who give football a bad name.

0:19:050:19:07

-I bet she's too busy hitching up her wotsits to learn the offside rule.

-THEY LAUGH

0:19:070:19:11

Back in a bit, boys.

0:19:110:19:13

Excuse me a minute.

0:19:140:19:16

Haven't you got your own pub to go to?

0:19:160:19:18

-Allow me.

-What are you doing?

0:19:180:19:20

No-one, but no-one, talks about the Guv'nor like that.

0:19:230:19:27

Especially in own her pub.

0:19:270:19:28

Got a soft spot, have we?

0:19:280:19:30

I'll tell your team to follow ya.

0:19:320:19:34

Babe, why don't you just come down?

0:19:350:19:38

Yeah, course there's women down there.

0:19:380:19:40

Well, Kat, Kim...

0:19:400:19:41

All right, yeah, fair enough. See you at home.

0:19:440:19:47

Tanya, when was the last time I ate a kebab?

0:19:470:19:50

All right, I'll see you later.

0:19:500:19:51

What are you doing out here?

0:19:530:19:55

Not a lot. Skulking.

0:19:550:19:58

What's that when it's at home?

0:19:580:20:00

Bit of leaning, bit of this.

0:20:000:20:02

Yeah, that's it.

0:20:040:20:06

SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

0:20:100:20:14

You're a rubbish skulker.

0:20:140:20:15

Oi, you!

0:20:150:20:17

So, what's wrong with my legs?

0:20:190:20:21

They're just a bit, erm... SHE LAUGHS

0:20:210:20:24

Careful, you got a man's ego at stake here.

0:20:240:20:26

..pasty.

0:20:260:20:28

Good shape, though, ain't they?

0:20:290:20:31

Yeah, they're all right, I'll give you that.

0:20:310:20:34

-Yours ain't bad either.

-Oh, yeah?

0:20:350:20:38

You finished?

0:20:430:20:44

Your glass.

0:20:460:20:48

Not yet.

0:20:500:20:51

And for your information, I did get picked for the football team,

0:20:530:20:56

I just chose to do athletics instead. I did!

0:20:560:20:58

Nothing to do with the fact you were scared of the other boys towering over you?

0:20:580:21:02

Being a late developer's nothing to be ashamed of, Syed.

0:21:020:21:05

Yeah, well, he's certainly made up for that now.

0:21:050:21:08

Kat, darling, can you change the barrel please, darling?

0:21:080:21:11

Great(!)

0:21:110:21:12

Let me do that for you, Kat?

0:21:250:21:28

You don't like a lady getting her hands dirty?

0:21:300:21:32

Well, excuse me for being the white knight.

0:21:320:21:35

That Vivienne...

0:21:350:21:36

..was she bad-mouthing me?

0:21:380:21:41

You don't have to worry about women like that, Kat.

0:21:410:21:44

She's not a patch on you.

0:21:460:21:47

I ain't the kind of girl that needs a white knight...

0:21:490:21:53

but thank you, Derek.

0:21:530:21:55

You all right? You got my text, then? They're upstairs.

0:21:580:22:01

-Derek.

-Michael.

0:22:020:22:03

PHONE RINGS

0:22:180:22:21

Derek Branning.

0:22:230:22:24

Hello, mate. How are you?

0:22:250:22:28

Yeah, long time no see.

0:22:280:22:31

How's tricks?

0:22:310:22:32

-Just a few booties and vests. Most of it's pretty unisex.

-Yeah.

0:22:340:22:38

That's kind, thanks.

0:22:410:22:43

Oh... They're still a bit big, though.

0:22:460:22:48

Well, keep 'em.

0:22:490:22:51

You'll be glad of 'em in a couple of months.

0:22:520:22:55

Yeah?

0:22:550:22:56

She's going to be fine, Michael.

0:23:010:23:04

Thanks.

0:23:050:23:06

We love you, Kat Moon, we do! We love you, Kat Moon, we do...'

0:23:060:23:10

Someone's popular.

0:23:100:23:12

What can I say?

0:23:130:23:15

You should stick at this football lark...

0:23:160:23:19

suits ya.

0:23:190:23:20

-All right, Alf?

-Michael.

0:23:230:23:25

-Missing you down there.

-Yeah, I know.

0:23:290:23:32

-Got a bit of a fan club going on.

-Mmm!

0:23:320:23:36

Do you think this suits me, this football lark?

0:23:360:23:39

Too right. Mind you, I think you look knockout in anything

0:23:390:23:41

so it don't matter, does it?

0:23:410:23:43

Haven't really spent much time together, have we, since I been back?

0:23:450:23:48

I know...

0:23:510:23:53

..you're right...

0:23:540:23:56

Am I?

0:23:570:23:58

Yeah, course you're right.

0:23:590:24:01

And listen, I know, sweetheart, hands up, it's all my fault.

0:24:010:24:04

And look, listen, you know, what with the Vic, Tommy and Shenice...

0:24:040:24:09

-Mo, Jean...

-There you go, Mo and Jean, you know.

0:24:090:24:11

But, hey, hands up, Scout's honour -

0:24:110:24:15

-Tomorrow.

-Tomorrow.

0:24:150:24:18

Tomorrow. Come here, you - mwah!

0:24:180:24:20

Hear that? "We love you, Kat Moon, we do."

0:24:200:24:24

(Oi, Alfie, don't wake Tommy!)

0:24:270:24:28

-CUSTOMERS CHANTING:

-Queen Vic till I die!

0:24:330:24:35

I'm Queen Vic till I die

0:24:350:24:38

I know I am, I'm sure I am I'm Queen Vic till I die...

0:24:380:24:42

Come on. Come on.

0:24:440:24:45

Hey!

0:25:070:25:08

We love you, Kat Moon, we do! We love you, Kat Moon, we do...

0:25:080:25:13

You coming in or what?

0:25:300:25:32

-SHOUTS:

-You have got ten seconds to get in here now!

0:25:410:25:44

Five...four...three...two...

0:25:440:25:47

One!

0:25:470:25:48

What?

0:25:560:25:57

Lola!

0:25:590:26:00

SHE PANTS

0:26:040:26:07

..he was flapping like an absolute...

0:26:280:26:31

-ALL:

-We love you, Kat Moon, we do We love you Kat Moon, we do

0:26:350:26:41

We love you Kat Moon, we do.

0:26:410:26:44

Oh, Kat Moon, we love you.

0:26:440:26:47

THEY ALL LAUGH AND CHEER

0:26:470:26:49

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0:27:160:27:20

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