04/07/2012 EastEnders

Right, lads.

From this moment, I don't want you to think of me as Kat Moon,

landlady of the Queen Vic,

but The Guv'nor.

You know why Sir Alex Ferguson's so successful, don't ya?

-He ain't got a pair of these!

-Derek?!

Sorry, Derek, what was that?

I'm just saying, can you name me any other female managers, Kat?

Oh, right.

Derek seems to think that me being a good looking bird

is going to put you boys off.

If you think you're going to struggle with that,

I suggest you walk out that door right now.

No? Good.

Because, as the GUV'NOR...

I want you to go out there and show some passion.

Some guts.

-And I want you to bring back the win. do you think you can do that?

-Come

-on,

-boys!

What was that?

I've heard louder mosquitoes! I said, do you think you can do that?

THEY ALL CHEER

Like your style, Kat.

Very nice.

Kat.

You know, if winning is so important to you,

how come you're subbing your lethal weapon?

Because it also happens to have a dangerously large ego!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Assertive women. Love 'em.

-Mate, she kills me.

-Right, the bus leaves in five.

So make sure everyone's been to the little boys' room

and then we'll set off.

-That's right, boys.

-Oi.

-What?

-How did I do?

-Darling, I gotta say, you were fantastic.

Seriously. And if I didn't have to get on the bus,

-I'd sneak you upstairs right now.

-Alfie Moon, hold that thought.

OK, give me a kiss.

Just wanted to see how you are.

Fat. Bored. Stuck indoors.

I love being 16.

I tell you what, why don't I take you out for a drink?

I thought you had football?

Nah, I didn't get in.

Yeah, yeah - you mean you only made the bench?

Least you ain't in prison.

-Come on, I've brought 'em now.

-Don't want your blood gifts.

You all right, Michael?

-You think a few poxy shirts is going to get you back in with the family?

-Let's have a look.

-Oh, these are great. Thank you.

-You're welcome.

How's little Pat?

Yeah, she's, you know, she's better.

She's, she's a tenacious little thing, so...

Had to come back and get more clothes

cos her existing ones, they don't fit her. They're too big.

If you need anything, yeah?

Thank you, Kat.

See ya.

-Don't say it.

-Well...

-Where's Trace?

-She's running late.

-Great! She knows we've got a match and Jean's polishing her telescope!

-Give it a rest!

Here, have a look, what do you reckon?

Yeah, add at the bottom, "Join us after to celebrate."

-Feeling confident, ain't ya?

-I am, yeah!

Right, come on everybody, drink up!

Let's go, we've got a football match to go to! Come on, The Vic!

You know he's only on the bench, right?

Well...not for long if Kat's got half a brain.

So...what do you think?

Funny, don't see them WAGs covered in face paints, do you?

Grab me some baby wipes, would you, yeah?

-Got one for me, darling?

-Yep, here y'are.

Luke, you can stand in for Jay - seeing as he can't be bothered to turn up.

Come on, Kat, man!

No! It's Guv'nor.

Do you reckon there'll be scouts there today?

Yes, heard there's a spot on the England squad going.

-And if you play really well, you might get signed up for a

-real

-pub league.

-Sweet.

-Here y'are.

Remember what I told you about looking before you kick the ball.

How many times? I told you, I tripped on a divot.

-What's a divock?

-A

-divock

-doesn't exist -

much like Dad's imaginary divot.

-All right, son, don't get cocky!

-Yeah, Syed, don't mock the elderly.

-Oi.

-I'm only joking, Mas!

Anyway, Alfie's the senior citizen of this team, ain't you, darling?

Don't listen to her, Masood. We're still in our prime.

Come on, son, let's go. Come on the lads!

-Hi, Alf.

-All right?

-All right?

-All right?

-Brought yourself to watch a girl's team, then?

Gotta support my little brothers, ain't I?

I been watching them since they were knee high, their little legs!

DEREK LAUGHS

Oi, Max Branning, what have I told you about smoking?

All right, Miss.

-Thought you was talking about on the pitch!

-Ha-ha-ha(!) Get on the coach.

Excuse me.

Anthony, hope this ain't one of yours.

Oh, all right, darling?

Oh, do me a fav...

-Oh, easy, easy! Easy!

-Come off it!

Oh, get in there, son!

THEY CHEER

Jealousy's an unattractive quality, boys.

Hope you're going to save some of that passion

-in the tank for me, Jack.

-Always.

That mine?

-Oh, yeah. Here y'are.

-Thank you.

Right, come on then, driver. Let's go!

THEY ALL CHANT

Wait for us! Wait for us!

Can we go home now?

Kim don't give up that easy, you know.

All right, come on.

What, you just going to stand there?

Get stuck in.

PHIL CHUCKLES

Dear, oh, dear.

Boys, get those legs up!

This is like one of them naked-in-school dreams.

Vivienne Martinez - manager of the Old Lions.

Kathleen Moon, Queen Victoria.

My lot could do with a break today.

Excuse me?

Don't worry, I'll tell them to go easy.

Yeah, if they want to get caught with their pants down.

Right, lads, I want you to get out there and smash it!

-Play dirty if necessary.

-And I thought this was going to be boring!

Go on, boys!

Go on the boys!

CROWD CHEERS AND SHOUTS

One text, eh? What's so great about Costa Rica

-that she can't spare the time for that?

-I dunno, Jay.

-Probably the hot Costa Rican boys.

-You reckon?

-Ugh!

-What?

You're supposed to be cheering me up, not the other way round!

-What are you doing?

-Keys...

Want to add breaking and entering to your list of crimes as well?

It's all right, I'll be at home and tucked up in bed

by my eight o'clock curfew.

Technically speaking, it's just entering.

What about Shirley's Shack?

I ain't selling cockles on the seafront.

You got any better ideas?

-Yeah, Beef Me Up!

-PHIL LAUGHS

What? I like it.

What do you reckon, Ben? The name for my burger van?

Dad, can I have a word?

Don't you feel bad?

It's Heather's birthday today and she ain't got a clue.

Yeah, and have you seen her? She's smiling.

When was the last time you saw that, eh?

It just don't feel right, you know? Not to mark it.

And you need to move on as well, Ben.

I think we should tell her.

Do you really think now is the time for honesty?

Hmm?

Do you?

What was that?! What was that?!

-That's it, I'm off!

-Come on, lads!

I've seen more passion in a retirement home!

-Push forward!

-Calm down, we're a team!

-Come on then, boys! Come on!

Jack! Jack! Whoa, whoa, whoa...!

Hiya, you all right?

Sorry we're late - Zainab was driving.

Er, excuse me!

You'd still be stuck on the Square if it wasn't for me.

So how are we doing, babe?

-3-0.

-Well, that's good.

-To them.

-What?

'Ere, Kat, stick Ray on, man. He'll sort you out!

She's got a point, y'know.

-Know what I'm doing.

-Listen, you got to start taking some risks.

You ain't going to win the match by keeping your old man happy.

Yeah? Then how come he's about to score? COME ON, ALFIE!

Go on, Alf! Go on, Alfie!

Come on, come on!

Go on!

WHISTLE BLOWS

THEY ALL SHOUT

We got a penalty!

THEY ALL CHEER Yes!

-Come on, Ty.

-No, it's all right, I'll take it. I'll take it.

No, no, Alfie, let Tyler...

-I'll take the penalty, all right?

-Sure?

-Yeah, it's all right.

-You sure?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Go on, Alfie!

-Come on, Alfie! Come on!

-Alfie, keep it low, yeah?

-Come on, Alfie!

-Come on!

THEY ALL SHOUT AND CHEER

-Oh, no!

-Do me a favour!

-Stick Ray on, man!

-Chin up, Alf. Come on.

Pint of lager, please.

You got any ID?

I know, shall we make some cocktails?

Your baby don't stand a chance.

For you, moron.

They're making a mockery of our defence.

Masood, Syed - wake up!

Mid-field - keep up the good work, Jack.

Safe hands? Yeah, right.

If you tried to put your head in your hands, you'd miss!

Max - plenty of teasing, not enough action. Don't hold back.

Yes, boss.

-Fat Boy.

-Yes, your main man's right here.

Not enough teasing. You're rushing it.

Treat the ball like you would a woman.

Ty? Anthony?

Yeah, say no more. Ray, you're in.

Come on, you lot. Huddle up.

-Come on! We're not losers!

-Come on then, boys.

Right, what do I want to see?!

-ALL SHOUT:

-Passion!

TEAM ALL SHOUT

Sorry. Sorry, Alfie.

Hey, what are you talking about? Don't be silly.

I'm well proud of you, ain't I?

Come on, the lads, keep your heads up, let's have it...

Voila.

That tastes like toilet water.

That what you drink round yours?

Here, wait, who am I?

"Darlin', I made ya that cocktail,

"so you either better drink up and pay up

"or take your skinny little butt and get out of my pub."

Kat?

KEYS JINGLING

Get out the back. Get out the back. Quick, quick!

CROWD SHOUTING

Go on, Ray! Go on.

Go on! Go on!

CROWD CHEER AND APPLAUD

Well done, boys. Well done!

Give me a R... R! Give me a A... A!

-WHISTLE BLOWING

-Unlucky, boys. Well played, boys.

-Well played.

-Well played.

Almost had me worried there.

-Congratulations.

-Cheers.

-Yeah, well done.

-You want to bring the boys back to The Vic?

-Thanks, might just do that.

Lovely. Well done, Jack.

Don't worry. We'll wipe that smile off her face next time, eh?

First round on you then, Guv, eh?

Yeah. THEY LAUGH

RADIO PLAYS

Won't budge - must be something wedged up against it!

Cos you ain't pushing hard enough. Get out the way, gimme a go!

So what do we do now, then?

..like Chris Waddle, weren't it? Italia '90. Broke my heart.

Yes, mate, yes.

So tell us, Alfie, when you were taking aim,

was it the goals you were lining up

or that plane that was flying above it?

Tell me, Jack, when you missed the open goal,

-were you frightened you were going to mess your hair up?

-Get out of it!

Your face, though, your face, Alfie, was a picture... "Ooh!"

Is that supposed to be me, or a dying slug,

-or is that just your face?

-No, no, this was you, Alfie... "Whey!"

What about when you missed the open header in the second half?

-You were like that...

-Oi, don't try putting it back onto him.

-We ain't going to let you forget this!

-At least he had the guts to stand and take it.

-I didn't see any of you lot offering.

-No, I offered. I offered.

-He did.

-I'm proud of him for giving it a go.

-At least his missus still loves him.

But I bet he ain't getting any tonight!

-He's got more chance than you, Derek!

-Ahh!

First round's on me, Trace!

THEY ALL CHEER

-ALL CHANT:

-We love you, Kat Moon, we do.

We love you, Kat Moon, we do. We love you, Kat Moon, we do...

All right! Shh, calm down, let Mrs Moon talk, thank you.

Right, your attention for a moment, please.

Right, first off, I'd like to congratulate the Old Lions on their victory, fair and square.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But seeing as this is my pub,

the man of the match award is decided by me.

So, step up, Mr Ray Dixon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Almost saved us from the jaws of defeat - next time, eh, Ray?

OK, now that's my man, OK!

Read and weep - he's coming home!

-Go on, Ray.

-Someone else who caught my attention on the field today -

Legs of the Match goes to Mr Jack Branning!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

I just want to say a big thank you to my mother and father

-for the lovely genes.

-What, these ones?

-Yeah, these ones.

Apologies to my brothers, you know, for taking all the best bits.

-Oi, oi, oi, shut up!

-Sit down, sit down!

But most of all, I want to thank my brilliant team for doing me so proud.

So, kick back and have a good time!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oi, big foot, watch your legs.

-All right!

-Smells nice.

-Yep, none for you, though.

Impressive skills on the pitch today.

You ever played professionally?

You're kidding, right? He's ancient!

Oi, what do you mean, "ancient"? Go and stick a tune on the jukebox.

Go on.

-Nah, nah, cooking's my thing.

-Well, we could do with a chef too.

Too?

The Old Lion, Dalston...

we're missing a good man up front.

You know, I'm flattered, really, but...I'm happy here. Thanks.

What a shame.

Oi, you trying to poach my team?

Lucky for you he's loyal.

Glad you know which side your bread's buttered.

Well, I'm glad you realised

the goldmine standing right in front of you.

Shame it took you so long.

You might be a decent player, but if you're not playing for the team

you might as well be scoring own goals.

Kim might think you're God's gift

but if you believe every word that comes out of her gob,

you'll be falling on that handsome face of yours.

Yeah, all right, Guv. Point taken.

-This done, yeah?

-No, no...

Ooh!

Quick, quick, quick - run it under cold water.

Sorry.

Don't be.

I'll just take these, yeah?

Alfie's right there, we'll just have to wait.

What time is it? My battery's dead.

Jay, just tell me. Jay!

20 to eight.

-Fantastic, just great(!)

-What? This weren't my idea!

I'm 16 - having my first baby in a prison.

Don't be daft, I'll get you out of here. I just...

How? We're stuck.

I'm going to be a rubbish mum, ain't I?

What? Where'd that come from?

You'll be amazing, Lo.

Why?

Because...you're young...

so you'll remember exactly how she's feeling...

..you'll give her great advice...

you're fun, so she'll never get bored...

you're smart...

-although you wouldn't necessarily think that now!

-Shut up!

Seriously, she's a really lucky kid.

It's women like her who give football a bad name.

-I bet she's too busy hitching up her wotsits to learn the offside rule.

-THEY LAUGH

Back in a bit, boys.

Excuse me a minute.

Haven't you got your own pub to go to?

-Allow me.

-What are you doing?

No-one, but no-one, talks about the Guv'nor like that.

Especially in own her pub.

Got a soft spot, have we?

I'll tell your team to follow ya.

Babe, why don't you just come down?

Yeah, course there's women down there.

Well, Kat, Kim...

All right, yeah, fair enough. See you at home.

Tanya, when was the last time I ate a kebab?

All right, I'll see you later.

What are you doing out here?

Not a lot. Skulking.

What's that when it's at home?

Bit of leaning, bit of this.

Yeah, that's it.

SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

You're a rubbish skulker.

Oi, you!

So, what's wrong with my legs?

They're just a bit, erm... SHE LAUGHS

Careful, you got a man's ego at stake here.

..pasty.

Good shape, though, ain't they?

Yeah, they're all right, I'll give you that.

-Yours ain't bad either.

-Oh, yeah?

You finished?

Your glass.

Not yet.

And for your information, I did get picked for the football team,

I just chose to do athletics instead. I did!

Nothing to do with the fact you were scared of the other boys towering over you?

Being a late developer's nothing to be ashamed of, Syed.

Yeah, well, he's certainly made up for that now.

Kat, darling, can you change the barrel please, darling?

Great(!)

Let me do that for you, Kat?

You don't like a lady getting her hands dirty?

Well, excuse me for being the white knight.

That Vivienne...

..was she bad-mouthing me?

You don't have to worry about women like that, Kat.

She's not a patch on you.

I ain't the kind of girl that needs a white knight...

but thank you, Derek.

You all right? You got my text, then? They're upstairs.

-Derek.

-Michael.

PHONE RINGS

Derek Branning.

Hello, mate. How are you?

Yeah, long time no see.

How's tricks?

-Just a few booties and vests. Most of it's pretty unisex.

-Yeah.

That's kind, thanks.

Oh... They're still a bit big, though.

Well, keep 'em.

You'll be glad of 'em in a couple of months.

Yeah?

She's going to be fine, Michael.

Thanks.

We love you, Kat Moon, we do! We love you, Kat Moon, we do...'

Someone's popular.

What can I say?

You should stick at this football lark...

suits ya.

-All right, Alf?

-Michael.

-Missing you down there.

-Yeah, I know.

-Got a bit of a fan club going on.

-Mmm!

Do you think this suits me, this football lark?

Too right. Mind you, I think you look knockout in anything

so it don't matter, does it?

Haven't really spent much time together, have we, since I been back?

I know...

..you're right...

Am I?

Yeah, course you're right.

And listen, I know, sweetheart, hands up, it's all my fault.

And look, listen, you know, what with the Vic, Tommy and Shenice...

-Mo, Jean...

-There you go, Mo and Jean, you know.

But, hey, hands up, Scout's honour -

-Tomorrow.

-Tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Come here, you - mwah!

Hear that? "We love you, Kat Moon, we do."

(Oi, Alfie, don't wake Tommy!)

-CUSTOMERS CHANTING:

-Queen Vic till I die!

I'm Queen Vic till I die

I know I am, I'm sure I am I'm Queen Vic till I die...

Come on. Come on.

Hey!

We love you, Kat Moon, we do! We love you, Kat Moon, we do...

You coming in or what?

-SHOUTS:

-You have got ten seconds to get in here now!

Five...four...three...two...

One!

What?

Lola!

SHE PANTS

..he was flapping like an absolute...

-ALL:

-We love you, Kat Moon, we do We love you Kat Moon, we do

We love you Kat Moon, we do.

Oh, Kat Moon, we love you.

THEY ALL LAUGH AND CHEER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd