09/07/2012 EastEnders

Do you mind?!

Forgive me. I wasn't watching where you were going...

What do you expect? Standing up in the way doing nothing.

PHONE BEEPS

Oi, you're not a forensic scientist are you?

-What?

-Or know any?

Plenty. Miami, New York, Vegas...

A comedian. Just what this place needs...

-Do I look like a comedian?

-No.

Actually you look like somebody who doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

Such a shame Denise can't make this.

She deserves it more than anyone else.

I mean, an ingrown toenail - how random is that?

I know what you're doing...

What? I'm getting ready to go.

Looking for a way out. Any excuse not to go.

Ridiculous. Why would I do that?

We'll be OK.

-Kamil...

-Is a little trooper.

-And Syed...

-Is a big boy now.

-Tamwar...

-Is stronger than you think.

You.

Will be here. Always.

Come on, Zee. Go and enjoy yourself.

-You deserve this.

-I didn't even want it in the first place.

Oh yes, you did. You did. You did, deep down.

Otherwise you wouldn't have "won". I'll miss you, Zee. We all will.

-But we'll cope.

-Promise?

It's just two nights.

We'll be fine.

There you go. 100 brushes - just like a princess.

I'm not a princess. And I'm not a horse either.

Really. Seems to me you're turning into a right little mare.

What's got into you?

I'm growing up. There aren't any real princesses anyway.

Not like in the stories.

What'd you mean?

In books, they're nice.

These days they've all got eating disorders and having affairs.

That's what Mum says.

Why is that?

-It's called growing up.

-Cool.

PHONE VIBRATES What's that buzzing noise?

Ow!

Sorry! Look, off you go, you're done.

-Did you hear that buzzing?

-Go on. Get your school bag.

Shirl. You OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why you asking?

No reason. So you starting the burger van up again?

No flies on you, is there, Benjamin?

D'you want any help?

Nah... I reckon I've had enough help from you.

This is something I gotta do on my own.

OK?

Hey, Sugar Ray?

Hey. Been trying to text you, babe.

Hey. Yeah, I know, I got your messages...

and thank you for my spa weekend.

-You're welcome, babe.

-Hey, have you seen what Denise's done to the colour of the B&B while I was away?

What, she's trying to improve it. Listen, are you busy?

-No.

-Only, I got a surprise for you.

-What, another one?

-Meet me here at 11 sharp.

Wear something comfortable.

Comfortable?

Mm-hm. As in, something loose.

That's my middle name. Mm! Thank you.

Eleven o'clock. Where's Kat?

-Easy, Katrina?

-You all right?

-Yeah?

Another day off? Doing something nice?

-It's a surprise.

-Oh, is that right?

Yeah.

-Well, enjoy yourselves...

-Oh yeah!

It's going to be explosive.

SHE CHUCKLES

You hear that? There's going to be a "bang" today.

-See ya later!

-See you later.

She's no princess.

No? Then why's she got the prince?

You're going to be late. You've already got an umbrella.

It's back-up. It's called being prepared, Masood.

-It's the middle of summer.

-Yeah. The Great British summer.

Which means I'll need another scarf! Gloves!

She's bonkers.

Nah. She's not bonkers. She's just worried.

About what?

Us.

MUSIC: "Weird Fishes" by Radiohead

All right?

MUSIC STOPS

Fine, thanks.

Any particular reason why you're standing there next to that car?

What, this car? The 1977 Blue Daimler Sovereign 4.2 litre?

-Yes. That one.

-I was thinking about nicking it.

-I beg your pardon?

-It's why I'm standing here.

Thinking about nicking this Daimler, taking it for a joy ride and then selling it for parts.

It's the Asian in me, innit?

Funny(!) You got a lip on you, mate.

Two, last time I checked.

Well, next time you check you might have a fat one,

if you don't jog on right now.

HE SCOFFS

Couldn't point me in the direction of number 41, could you?

-Jog on.

-Yeah.

All right, Shirl?

I know what it looks like, Jay.

-But I'm off to start a business, not join the homeless.

-That's fine. Need a hand?

Yeah. Open the door for me.

There you go.

I think we should help her.

She don't want help.

Yeah, making burgers.

But she didn't say anything about advertising 'em.

OK. So how many we got? Ten? Ten, OK.

Brilliant. I'll be there for about one o'clock.

Nice. I'll call you back.

Babe, what are you wearing?

Somethin' loose. Took ages to decide. You like it?

< Kim!

Sasha!

Y-you're here...

It's my birthday! Didn't Dad say?

He got me the day off school.

What are you wearing?

What did you tell her?

Babe, I told her to wear something loose and comfortable.

And not to be late.

You won't have time to get changed before we go.

Go where?

Make sure she gets on the train.

Make sure she understands that you'll miss her,

but you'll be fine.

I'll miss her and I'll be fine.

Yes. And she's to relax. And have fun.

Are we are talking about the same woman?

KNOCK AT DOOR

-I got it. Tam's got your suitcase.

-OK.

Mas... Long -

What are you doing here?

Kamil needs to have a bath at 6.30.

And please, can you make sure that your father remembers to feed him this time?

-We were planning on leaving him outside to be reared by wolves.

-Tamwar, I am depending on you, OK?

Your father, he means well, but he's prone to distractions.

-So I need you to be my...

-Spy?

My eyes and my ears, Tamwar!

(Spy.)

-Are you mad?!

-A little peeved, yes!

What are you doing here?

What do you think? I've come to see my brother.

Now? Without any warning?

What do you think Zainab's going to say when she sees you?

What Zainab always says when she sees me - "Oh, very bad man, very bad influence", yada yada yada...

I came to see you, bruv. It's been way too long.

What? Where are you going?

No. There's a cafe around the corner. Wait there.

Wait there!

No. Follow these rules. OK?

I knew I could count on you.

Least it's not too many(!)

All right?

Who was it?

-What?

-At the door, who was it?

Uh... No-one. Important, I mean.

-Shall we?

-Yeah.

I'm taking Mum to the station.

Nah nah. Doesn't matter... I'll do it.

Why don't you go to work or something?

Because I'm not working today, remember?

Well - go and get some fresh air or...you know.

I was. By walking Mum...

Whoever is walking, please, can we go now?

You will not defeat me, got that?

I've lived through all sorts, survived too much,

to be beaten down by a flaming griddle pan!

Paintball?

Yep. Me and Sasha do it every year on her birthday.

It's a tradition.

Whatever happened to pin the tail on the donkey?

It's kind of like that - but with guns.

Guns?

Big guns!

MUSIC ON HEADPHONES

Are you getting anything?

MUSIC STOPS

-What?

-Are you getting anything?

Since you ask so nicely...

HE CLEARS THROAT

Coffee.

Haven't seen you around here before.

Er, no. It's my first time.

Oh. An East End virgin? How exciting.

Welcome to the manor.

Um...

Thanks...?

THEY GIGGLE

Can I get that coffee to go, please?

Masood! Jaldi karna! Sara din eh gaya mere paas?

I don't want to be standing here all day.

-Come on, then.

-Where are you going?

Thought you might prefer the bus. Save a couple of pounds.

Why would I want to spend an extra hour on the bus just to save two pounds!

Come on!

Ooh!

-What is it?

-Nothing...

I-I just thought I might stop for a coffee on the way back.

That's a nice idea. I might get something for the journey myself.

What? No! No.

You don't want to be late...

Two seconds ago you were said why don't I take the bus,

now you're saying I don't have time for a takeaway coffee?

What is wrong with you?

Masood!

What are you doing, Masood?

Just getting the door for you.

What, like I can't get the door for myself?

Ugh.

Oh, one coffee and one tea to take away, please.

You all right?

Now, it's Blues versus Blacks.

The objective is to get to this helicopter. Inside is a package.

Get this package to the clearly marked flag.

What? That's it?

Without getting shot. Two hits and you're out.

OK, everyone. You got it?

ALL: Yeah.

-Got it?

-Yeah.

All right. Everyone ready? Let's go!

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

Flamin', stupid, worthless... get it to work...

BANGING AND CRASHING

Shirley?

I know you're in there.

What?

You've found yourself a hobby! Do you need a hand?

No. I'm fine. I can handle this by myself.

OK.

BANGING AND CRASHING

Jai.

Veeru.

THEY CHUCKLE

THEY LAUGH AND BANTER

-Kim?

-You OK?

-Yeah.

All right.

SIREN SOUNDS

GUNFIRE

SHE SQUEALS

...she leans over and she goes "East End virgin? How exciting!"

Seriously, I thought she was going to jump me there and then.

Yeah, well, with Rose anything's possible. You had a lucky escape.

Yeah. We both did. What was all that about with Zainab? I know she don't like me, but...

It wasn't you. Well, it was partly you. She was going somewhere.

And I knew, if she saw you, she'd stay. That's all.

And it was important for her to go?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Because this trip is the first time, in a long time,

that Mum can even start thinking about being herself again.

Who is that?

Syed? Damn... You ain't changed a bit.

AJ, this is Tamwar.

Tamwar, meet my brother Amjad.

Uncle AJ. Yeah. I've heard a lot about you.

This is when it all starts to go awry.

"Awry"! Big words...

In here, Kat.

Did Alfie find you?

Didn't know he was looking.

He's been trying to call you.

Yeah, I left me phone...

Did he say what it's about?

Seemed a bit hacked off, though.

Hello.

All alone?

-Celebrating.

-Oh yeah? What?

I don't really know.

Right.

Um, if you're not busy,

there's someone that might be able to use our help.

GUNFIRE

Ha! Yeah!

# What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! #

SHE SCREAMS

So, you're Uncle AJ. The black sheep of the family.

Ooh, black sheep?

I suppose I can cope with that. We've all got a few skeletons in our closet.

You can say that again.

So...why are you here?

I wanted to see my brother, his family...

OK. Why now?

Circumstances...

No. I mean - why now? And not ever before.

It's not like I've had that many invitations.

It's simple, Tamwar.

Your mum doesn't like me. She really doesn't like my wife.

-In fact, she called my wife ...

-We really don't need to go into any specifics.

-Why does she hate him?

-Does Zainab need a reason?

She has her reasons, AJ.

We may not agree with them - but she has them.

Basically, Tam -

I am a bad Muslim. And I'm a bad influence on your father.

Your mother thinks that when we...

get together, we, um...

y'know, egg each other on. Get into trouble...

Like sodium and chlorine gas being mixed.

It's combustible.

Yeah...

Anyway, since you've arrived, Dad's lied to Mum several times over,

he's lied to me several times over

and no doubt will do it again several times over before you leave.

So, maybe Mum had a point.

Why won't you just fit? Why won't you work?!

-Shirley?

-I can't understand this! I can't make sense of it!

Don't worry. Help is at hand.

Shirl, I used to run one of these vans in Southend back in the day.

Good times.

And?

We can make it work. Together.

AJ...?

Maybe the kid's got a point. Hell, he has got a point.

Do I?

Maybe I have my faults, but I always wanted to be a great uncle.

And I didn't want to lose my brother.

-You want to call it? Or shall I?

-Your coin, your call.

Can someone please explain what's going on here?

This is my lucky Sholay coin.

Don't tell me you've not seen Sholay!

-We never got round to it.

-Brother, I'm disappointed!

Anyway. Heads I go.

Tails I stay and we catch up properly.

Sorry, are you actually suggesting basing such an important decision on the toss of a coin?

Yeah.

That's insane.

-No. It's fate.

-Well...

Heads it is.

You lost something?

No.

I don't know.

Follow me.

GUNFIRE

KIM SCREAMS

Run, Kim! Go, go!

KIM SCREAMS

KIM CONTINUES SCREAMING

THEY CHEER

I haven't even asked. How's Manchester? Aliyah?

Fine. Great. You know how it is...

Yeah.

How's everything been here? It's been three years.

How's Syed, Shabs...?

Fine. Great. You know how it is.

Tamwar's a good kid.

-Yeah.

-A lot of his mum in him.

MASOOD CHUCKLES

Oi! Don't say that.

AJ LAUGHS

Oh, come on! The gods are mocking us!

There's only one God, AJ.

Fine. The God is mocking us. You thinking what I'm thinking?

-Don't worry mate. Let me get back to you.

-Alfie, listen. I can explain...

-Don't worry. She already has, OK.

-I'm sorry.

What on earth possessed you to let her take it to school, eh?

The kid got into trouble. You know the rules, all right?

-Sorry. Won't happen again.

-Come on, young lady. Homework. Let's go.

Shirl's Burgers?

Hardly original, is it?

Jay's the brains of the outfit.

We just wanted to help ya. Not that you need any...

No, thanks to Andrew here. He's got experience in the business.

He had some good news today.

He's officially no longer a suspect.

So now the filth can concentrate on the scum that did do it.

Good.

-See ya.

-See ya later.

It looks good.

Thanks to you. Heck of a mess, weren't it?

I find cleaning quite satisfying, really. Good spring clean helps...

clear out clutter. Makes you feel lighter.

You're as mad as a box of frogs, you, ain't ya?

Where's my shopping trolley?

THEY SHOUT AND SING

I'm the king of the world!

Oh no!

Come on. Your bag!

THEY CONTINUE SINGING

Don't call me on this phone again. Ever. You got it?

In fact, don't call me at all. I'm done. This is done.

I didn't mean that, you know. I didn't mean to shoot you.

Let's hear it for the birthday girl! Yay!

I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. I didn't know.

Seems like we're finding more out about each other all the time.

-I know!

-Actually, you did get her something...

You know, I did, you know... My mind's going. I forgot.

A torch?

A forensic torch!

This'll be perfect for when I start my work experience.

Yeah...!

Is there a problem?

There might be.

I thought this was all sorted.

So did I.

Did your friend pull out?

He pulled out, you know. Something came up. Nothing I could...

But it's supposed to be happening in the next couple of weeks!

He can't just leave Sasha hanging like that.

What's his name? I'll have a word - I'll tell him how important it is.

He has got a name, hasn't he?

Yeah...yeah...

So what is it?

Grissom.

Like CSI...

All right, look, the truth is, yeah, there's no mate.

And I only lied because I wanted to make Sasha happy. And Sasha, I'm really sorry.

I'm really trying, Sasha... Sasha!

-No, you've done enough damage, don't you think?

-But let me explain to her!

-Explain what? That you lied to a 14-year-old girl. That you got her hopes up.

-I didn't lie...

She's been telling everyone about this at school for weeks.

Do you have any idea how humiliating this'll be for her?

What's wrong with you, Kim, man? Don't you get it?

I'm starting to think you never will.

HE SUCKS TEETH

But Ray, can I just explain?

Oh!

SHE SIGHS AND SUCKS TEETH

We are in so much trouble...

Victimless crime.

You don't know whose car that is.

Why, why, why does this always happen?

Yeah, but it was fun, wasn't it?

Yeah. I've missed that.

THEY LAUGH

Me too.

You know, it makes me wonder what happened.

Three years, Mas. Not one call returned.

You know, it's not a one way street, Amjad.

-You've done your own disappearing.

-I wouldn't disown you!

Disowned? Where'd you get that idea?

-Inzamam...

-What?

He said... He said Zainab convinced you...

-You know...

-Inzamam?! Why, why? He's a liar!

-Why would you believe anything he says?

-Because it sounds like it makes sense.

Because it's been three years.

Because it sounds like something Zainab the Pure would do...

Oi! That's my wife you're talking about!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

THEY LAUGH

I've missed you, Bruv. So much it hurts.

Yeah. I missed you too.

MASOOD YELLS

THEY LAUGH

It's like Women In Love, only weirder.

LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR

Masood!

Open up! Come on!

What now?

You wait here.

Boys.

There has been an incident.

Someone has knocked the wing mirror off my car.

Would you know anything about that?

Yes! Two Asian-looking men ran from the scene but...

If he speaks again, you'll both regret it.

Now Masood, me and you - we've never had a problem, have we?

And as far as I know, you're a very good man.

So therefore, sort it by tomorrow evening and all of this will be forgotten.

Yes, Derek. OK. Of course.

Or else.

Or else you'll give us a good talking to...?

Tomorrow evening.

..or else.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media