06/07/2012 EastEnders

MUSIC POUNDS FROM UPSTAIRS

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

It's OK.

It's all right, Pat.

Pat.

Patsy. Little Patsy.

Kat says there's no way she can come down.

Trust. That is what the football team is all about. It's all about trust.

Yes, well, she thinks it's a migraine.

I mean take Ray. He's a lovely bloke and all that -

muscles and he's well fit, but he's not a team player.

-I mean, the game the other day, right, he saw a chance and he got lucky, didn't he?

-Yeah, he did...

Now, you want to create the ultimate football team.

-It's got to be about the bonding. I may have hung up my football boots...

-Burnt them.

-Kat said you actually burnt them.

-Yeah, all right.

But that was just office... official managerial thinking, darling.

Well, it's good, Alfie. Because a proper kit and a free burger will make up for that goal you missed

and the team losing their first ever match, won't it?

Yeah, well remembered, sweetheart. Thanks for that(!)

Alfie. All right? Football kit.

Proper kosher football kit.

No expense spared. You can thank me later. Go on, have a look.

Have a look.

She's changed her... She's changed her mind. MUSIC POUNDS

I spent the whole afternoon sorting it.

Well, now she don't want it.

Shirley! Have you scrapped the new van?

Shirley!

What?

I'm gonna sell it, Phil. I haven't completely lost the plot.

And then you do a little skippedy... Hey, what you watching?

No, no, don't look at them. Don't look at them.

-No, I don't understand what you're saying.

-No.

What?

I don't know, just go home! It's only a fund-raising barbecue.

Well, I do.

I feel guilty for what I've done.

And what sort of man sleeps with the landlord's wife?

Will you stop this?

Look, get the message, yeah?

-Kat?

-This is not happening again. Leave me alone.

Kat, where are you?

-I said, if you want...

-No! What I want, Phil,

is to spend the rest of my life flipping flipping burgers...

-You know what, I'm gonna...

-Cleaning your cupboards, and looking after your club

-and washing your old underpants.

-Well, we had our dinner while you were changing into Anne Widdecombe.

-We didn't know you wanted to go to the barbecue, did we?

-Why would I,

when I can sit in with you and your useless lardy son eating chips out of paper?

It was just a birthday card, woman!

I mean, you know that I know that you're...

But, I mean, every day is like treading on eggshells with you.

He didn't mean to upset you. He didn't mean it, all right?

I wasn't even thinking about Heather.

-You're not the only one who misses her.

-I thought you said you didn't want me thinking about Heather!

Come on, come on...

I'll take you out, yeah? We'll go and have a drink.

I'll buy you a burger.

No, cos every time I get hacked off, you're going to blame Heather!

It's not Heather doing my head in! It's disappointment!

And boredom and banging on about pointless 'jobs'.

It is my waste of life that I'm bored with.

And you -

your voice...

your face...

It bores me to tears, Phil.

To tears!

I can't help it. It's just...stupid.

But I need you by my side, don't I?

I need my girl buttering the rolls, eh?

OK, right.

You stay up here till you feel a bit better, yeah?

Do you want me to close the curtains?

Get you some more water? You sure?

OK. All right. All right.

Alfie.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Hey. Hey. Hey, come on.

Stop this, you dopey bird. Come on.

What you sorry about?

'I hate myself.'

'I can't help it, Alfie.'

HE SIGHS

I know.

I know, Kat.

-And it's my fault.

-No.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Mum. Wife. Landlady.

Team manager.

Well, assistant team manager.

You can't manage it all, sweetheart. All this constant juggling.

I mean, you've got Jean and, of course, my perfect cousin.

And, of course, you've got me just piling it on.

Something's got to give.

No wonder you're getting ill.

I don't want you to blame yourself, all right, so...

Listen, I want you to stay up here, yeah?

I want you to focus on...

focus on what's important, you know, like you... Us.

The kids. The family, yeah?

Good girl.

You stay up here till you feel better, yeah?

Yeah.

Till I feel better, yeah?

It ain't worth nothing, but it's got sentimental value.

Are you sure you was definitely wearing this bracelet when you come out?

I'm late middle aged, Andrew, not senile. I wear it every day.

Day and night.

-There's definitely nothing down here.

-Keep looking.

Yeah. If you were my stepmother, I'd give you grief.

Actually, I'm a goddess round ours, thank you very much,

Mosephina, yeah.

You know, I'm that amazing for sorting out this work experience

with my forensic scientist mate, I'm expecting a day named after me.

"Slapper-day", yeah, "Slapper-day".

Little mini-me, she is. You know, enthusiastic, trusting.

Yeah, it's going all good, you know.

I just got to find a forensic scientist and get mates with him,

and sort out work experience before Sasha finds out there ain't none.

Well, good luck with that.

Directory inquiries.

-All right, Mo.

-All right, Del.

Couldn't walk away if you tried now, could you?

Pretty girl.

Warm bed.

-Very nice.

-Leave me alone, will ya?

It's not just your table manners that are lacking, is it?

I am your roots, Joey. This place is your destiny.

There's no escaping the inevitable.

I tell you what, day or two's time,

why don't me and you do a bit of bonding, eh? Nice game of golf.

Play your cards right, I'll introduce you to a little club I know.

-Very nice.

-No.

Your old dad'll make a Branning out of you yet, son.

-SHOUTING:

-Go on, Jean. Go on, Jean!

A moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips.

That's £16.50 for the sangria.

I ain't got no hips.

No.

Unless it's worms of course.

Bon appetit.

Hark at her.

Do I look like I've got worms?

Where have you been?

I've been... Just lie ins, a few beers, long baths.

I've been shopping, Janine. I've been registering our daughter.

I've been putting the bins out.

Answering the phone to you every five minutes.

What's the matter? What's happened?

I can't do this. I can't.

It's important, Michael.

I can't do it. She doesn't even know who I am.

Come here. You been talking to her?

You been singing to her?

-Yes, I've been talking to her.

-All the things they said.

Look at her.

So tiny, so beautiful.

That poor child, just freaking out -

freaking out because you've chosen to call her "Pat".

What, you don't like "Pat"?

No, I don't like "Pat".

I don't like "Pat".

That's lucky... cos "Pat" is not her registered name, OK?

I am saying "if"...

I need a drink. Actually I need to go to the toilet.

Oh, OK, you know what, you can't come, Shirley.

If you were a judge in a competition between me and that nutty bird,

who's in best nick? I mean, Jean ain't gonna win, is she?

-I...

-I know it's not a real competition.

OK, it's...

And I'm not saying, you know, with our clothes off.

OK, OK.

But, do I win or...

..do I win?

You would win. You would... you would win. You win.

But, you see, me, personally, I kinda like girls a bit younger, do you know what I mean?

Would you like a drink? Cos I could get you a drink.

-I can do young.

-Yeah, OK.

-I can do carefree.

-OK.

I can be as wild and as much fun as any bird you'll ever meet.

Cos in here...

I'm 20 years old.

OK, I believe you. I believe you.

I'll prove it.

No, please, please, don't. Please.

THEY SING

Trouble with men is, and I'm not being sexist...

Oh, never(!)

You put more than a couple of them together

and they are like a bunch of kids with whiskers.

Oh no. I couldn't do a hairy man.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, gather round.

If I could have your attention, please. Thank you.

Can you hear me, all right? one two. OK, lovely.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce

the Queen Vic Team Captain.

Where is Max?

I don't know. He's disappeared again, ain't he?

Probably buying more cars.

A big round of applause, ladies and gents, for Jack Branning!

Her dad was a sulker. Always got to have one sulker in the house.

Congratulations, Jack!

Thank you, mate.

Least you get a bit of peace with a sulker.

He's not sulking.

He's not the one who's lost a bracelet, is he?

Why would Max be sulking?

-Since when did they need a reason?

-True.

TELEVISION IN BACKGROUND

One minute she's laughing,

the next she's shouting and wearing a frilly thing.

Dad, this ain't grief. This ain't normal.

No. Something's happened.

-Something has happened. And I know what it is.

-Ben.

Dad, it's obvious.

He's phoned her and he's told her what's happened.

Ben! How many times, eh? Ian has long gone. Now, say it.

Say it.

Us three ain't said nothing.

Us three ain't said anything. And the only evidence...

We dumped that photo frame at the bottom of the canal, right?

So...

Shirley don't know nothing.

Shirley don't know nothing.

Moods, moaning, her changing her mind, you know...

Well, the only good thing about you being...

Well, you know, is that...

well, you won't have to spend the next half of your life

trying to work women out.

This is, this is Shirley being normal, Ben, all right?

It's all about the excitement though, innit?

All them possibilities.

Nothing wrong with a bit of passion in your life, don't hurt, does it?

Waxing, wondering

and waiting for the phone to ring,

I don't think so.

-I'll call.

-It's cool.

Tell Alice I'll be around, yeah?

-Joe?

-No.

Thank you.

No golf. No "bond".

Go on, take a look.

See. This is me walking away.

Easy.

Heartbreak and hassle.

Next up is Max Branning. Max Branning, where are you?

Tan, do us a favour, sweetheart,

come and get the shirt on his behalf.

BABY CRIES

MOBILE RINGS

HE TYPES

You have to take a risk.

I am quite secretly just a straight guy.

You have to live a little.

You have to live your life. You have to make things happen!

Can you handle that, Arthur?

Oh, no, no - no, thank you.

As if(!)

You think...

I don't fancy you!

That's not actually unusual.

I've got underwear older than you.

OK. All right.

Oh! OK.

So, can I - can I get my wallet back, please?

All right, so I can walk you home.

I'll call a cab.

Or I can call Phil.

Hey, listen, why don't you give me back my wallet

and I'll go get us some kebabs, huh?

Why are you suddenly my best friend?

What?

I mean, one night...

Just one lame boring night and we haven't even...

..sung together.

You're not my best friend.

-I don't do kebabs!

-Oh, OK.

I don't do kebabs ever again.

-Why ain't you having a good time?

-What?

You know, this - this is a good time.

I'm having a good time!

OK, look why don't we get you back up a little bit, huh?

Sorry about that, Shirley.

I tell you what, I'll call Phil.

MOBILE RINGS

Cos I had been thinking "Apple"?

Cos we want her to make an impression, right?

Stand out from the crowd. Pear? Plum?

Banana? Banana Moon?

Er, Butcher.

Banana Butcher, yeah.

I can't believe you registered her name

-without even checking with me first.

-You love it.

Scarlett Patricia Butcher.

Give or take.

Show me the birth certificate.

See, what you need to do is you need to think about it.

Scarlett Moon, Scarlett Butcher -

which one's the movie star, which one's the psychopath?

-Michael, show me the birth certificate.

-Ssh. Look... You'll wake her up.

There.

I'm not a baby! I'm not tired!

Shh. Quiet!

I'm trying. You listen to me, young lady.

How can you be my little special helper

if you're going to kick off after like this, eh?

-OK, how about a nice story, yeah?

-Princesses are muppets.

Yeah, all right, OK. Rapunzel. You know, let down your hair.

Any bloke that wants to climb up your hair is a pervert.

I want to help clear up.

Shenice, will you keep it down?

What kind of stupid woman gets stuck up in a tower

with no doors in it anyway?

All right, just - just calm... Shenice!

SHE SINGS: # Stars shining bright above you

# Night breezes seem to whisper I love you

# Birds singing in the sycamore tree

# Dream a little dream of me

# Say nighty night and kiss me

# Just hold me tight and tell me you miss me

# While I'm alone and blue as can be...

# Dream a little dream of me

# Stars fading, but I linger on, dear

# Still craving your kiss

# I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear

# Just saying this... #

Heather.

I think she's probably in heaven looking down on you

and being a bit concerned.

So, has your headache gone then?

Yeah. Headache's definitely gone.

Are you tired?

Are you tired?

Are you tired?

You tired, you tired, you tired?

No... I'm not tired.

Give me five minutes, yeah?

OK.

And he's ever so good looking.

Professor Brian Cox.

Have you seen his programmes?

I can't get down.

Well, you should, you know, cos they're ever so good.

I was all set up down there in the park, nice open space,

less light pollution and then I thought...

Well, I thought, "What the heck? No-one'll ever know."

Do you want tea?

But then I've never been worried about heights.

MOBILE BEEPS

What you need is something to occupy you.

Not a job for money, something you like - a hobby.

Something to think about, that's completely different.

Stop you being a snappy, grumpy,

alcoholic person with possible worms.

Yes, well.

Self-medicating they call it.

You know, the mid-life crisis can be very disconcerting

-if you don't have something to take your mind off...

-What?

Knitting is something I quite like. Cooking, obviously.

Sometimes having a good chat with a nice friend does the trick.

If you've got a nice friend.

I'm drunk, I'm not desperate.

You should...

You know, you should

grab your life and do something exciting

and frightening and life thingying with it,

for the sake of Heather.

Most probably wait until you're sober though, I would.

Come on then. Follow me.

My Brian died falling from some scaffolding.

Loss of a loved one is a well-known trigger

for the mid-life crisis, especially for women.

It says so in my magazine.

You can lean on me if you want to.

-You are one nutter that knows nothing.

-Yes.

One step at a time.

I am having a mid-life crisis!

Yes, I think you probably are.

I'm a wife and a mother.

You know how hard I've got to work to be those things.

No, I said no.

And I mean no.

Just walk away.

Please.

No wait!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd