07/12/2012 EastEnders

TANYA: What the hell is that?

MAX: That is Christmas.

-I'm not having that outside my house.

-Oi! Don't upset his feelings.

-What are we going to do about presents?

-Well, haven't you got me something already?

-Ah, I might have got you something quite special.

-Special?

-Right, ready?

-Thank you.

Aah!

No, wait, wait, wait.

Rudolph's dead.

KAT: Alfie, shut the curtains.

I'm practising for Christmas, ain't I, eh?

Jumping out of bed, throwing open the curtains, waving at the peasants.

What about this peasant? Don't she get any attention?

Have you seen that reindeer?

A reindeer?

Yeah, it's sick.

Sick as in like, "Wow, amazing"?

No, Abi.

Sick as in..."not well".

Cheers mate, thanks.

-Oi. Let me help you with that.

-Haven't you got a gym to run?

-Yeah, well, I like to warm up first, don't I?

-Get out!

Right, now that I've got you to myself at last,

how about some lunch? You know, celebrate.

-Not sure celebrate's the right word.

-Oh, it is from where I'm standing.

Yeah, well, Phil might not agree.

Look, if he's fessed up to the social then that's because he's a weak little man.

He's doing this for Lola...

Oh, come on, wise up. He's doing it cos he wants to play Mummies and Daddies with you.

-Oh, here we go again!

-No, look, he's moving in on my woman...

-Oh, please!

-It's not on!

-So we going to do this lunch or what?

-Lunch?

I've lost my appetite.

Tommy, I got a little tip for you, mate.

Always wait for the red ones.

Money's better off earning interest in your own bank than theirs.

-They're not going to give us interest on our overdraft, are they?

-Right.

-Hello!

-What you doing?

-They're bigger than they look, aren't they?

-Er, excuse me. Don't touch what you can't afford.

-Nearly done, anyway.

-Nearly done what?

-Not going to know what's hit you.

-Eh?

Oi!

I've asked for more weekend shifts at McKlunky's.

Hard little worker, ain't you, eh? Chip off the old Butcher's block.

-Got to get that Christmas tree somehow.

-Well don't worry. I'll sort it.

Yeah, but we want a big glitzy one, don't we? Imagine Tiff's face when she comes back and sees it.

You save your money, I'll get the tree, yeah?

Oh, cool.

Yeah, thanks, Derek, but we ain't got anywhere to hang them.

You'll think of somewhere. Tyler went to a lot of trouble to get hold of these.

-And I got you these, darling.

-That's nice, but we ain't got a tree.

Will soon, though.

It's a nice thought, Derek, but, you know...

-They might all be gone later.

-Well if they're gone, they're gone.

Yeah, well, erm... Thanks, Derek, for thinking of us.

Yeah, I just wanted to make Christmas special. I know how much it means to you, Bianca.

-So get us a tree, then!

-Shut up, Liam!

-Oi, don't be cheeky!

-It's all right, Mum, I can deal with him, thanks!

-I've dealt with it!

-You can't not butt in, can you, eh?

-Who's butting in?!

Can't wait for Christmas(!)

-What are you doing?

-Oh, it's all right, don't panic, it's nothing.

-Well, it don't look like nothing.

-It's all under control.

What is?! What's under control?

Well, Phil's come clean to the social and told them that we've broken up.

What?!

-It doesn't change nothing, darling.

-No. No, put all that stuff back...

-Lola... Lola, Lola!

-No, you can't do this to me!

Look...

just let me dump this stuff and we'll have a little chat, all right?

-I'm going to find Phil.

-He's out for the day.

Oh, just great!(!)

Ho, ho, ho, my friends! Merry Christmas when it comes, all right?

And come back nearer the time, we might be selling snow!

What you on about? Snow?!

Oh, come on, it's worth looking into, right? Fake snow! There's got to be money in that.

Listen, Fats, you want to earn some money, get back on the stall, all right?

All right then. But I've got to move my stuff into the B&B.

There's only so much Zainab can take, you know what I mean?

-OK, buddy. Listen, hurry up back, won't you?

-All right, brother.

-Catch you later.

-Nice.

So what you having? Mulled wine or eggnog?

You've got eggnog?

We would have if Alfie had his way.

Scotch.

What you doing Christmas?

Having a lie-in, till January 3rd.

What I would give for that.

Still can't do New Year's Eve. Not without thinking about...

Sorry, you don't want to hear that. Cheers.

All right, babe?

All I said was that I wanted a ring for Christmas.

Yeah, but what type of ring, though, babe?

I mean, there's plenty of rings for different type of things but...

We're not talking about engagement, are we?

-Now that you mentioned it...

-Well, I didn't.

-But you did.

-I didn't.

-You just did.

-I didn't...

-Ray, I couldn't borrow you for a minute, could I?

-Sure.

Oh, we're talking rings and things! Ray...?

You calmed down yet?

Oh, yeah. Just look at me! Total calmness(!)

Look, all it is, is that we're not conning anyone.

It's all above-board now.

And you reckon they're just going to give my baby to some 60-year-old gangster, do you?

Phil is not 60 or a gangster...

Look, can't you just get back with him?

He's already told them that he's drawing up a care plan. And I'll still be part of it.

But can't you just still pretend? It was going good before.

Oh, Lola, come on!

You let this get to you and all it says is that you can't cope.

-Yeah, well, maybe I can't.

-You really don't want them seeing that.

Now, this is all in hand. Phil's got it covered, OK?

-Lola!

-OK!

Darling, it'll be all right.

Phil told the truth?

Yeah.

I suppose that's good, innit?

-Meanwhile, back in the real world...

-And what's that supposed to mean?

Come on, Lola, it's game over and you know it.

All right?

Just got your message.

Yeah, sorry...

I'm stuck in all day today cos my dad's got me waiting for a new reindeer.

What d'you want?

Erm...this came for you.

Is that it?

Oh, and I'm feeling a little bit better.

Thank you for asking(!)

Looks official.

Yeah, well...

Court summons, ain't it.

Yeah...

What a mess, eh?

< Lauren!

All right, Lauren? Rudolph - is he here?

No, sorry, he must've got held up.

Oh! All I want is a reindeer. Can't be that hard, can it?

< CAT: Yeah, I miss you too.

< All right, sounds like we'll need a plan, then.

Hold on, that's a bit short notice, ain't it?

No, no, no, I'll be there.

Yeah...

I love you too.

Bye.

All right?

-You scared me.

-Yeah, sorry, no, just... Just came in.

-That was my dad.

-Your dad?

-He's not feeling too good so I'm going to take Tommy and go and see him.

-(OK.)

So what's wrong with him?

It's his chest again.

Charlie. Hello, mate it's Alfie.

Kat's...telling me you're not feeling too well, mate.

-All right?

-Yeah. Great(!)

-What?

-Come on.

Mum can't do Christmas this year. She's off to see Aunty Helen.

That's all right, innit? So it'll just be you and me.

-You know what I really want for Christmas?

-Yeah, you better think of something else.

It's one day, Joey.

You can come over and...

we'll...all be normal and just forget everything just for one day.

You can't exactly spend it with Cora.

Look, honestly, Alice, I'm all right, OK? Look, I'll...

find an elf or something.

Look! I've got enough tips to buy a twig.

-Maybe you shouldn't make promises you can't keep.

-You got an axe there?

-An axe?!

Yeah, I'll chop down a tree, if that's what it takes?

It's not the end of the world. The kids will cope.

Being with my family is all that's kept me going in prison - thinking we'll have Christmas together.

But just being home, it's not enough, is it?

There's the tree and all the trimmings.

Next they'll be asking for snow and Santa to pop in for a mince pie.

How the hell am I going to make that happen, Mum? How am I going to do that?

Sit down, I'll make you a cup of tea.

You left the door open.

-So use it on your way out.

-No.

Not until you promise to stop filling Lola's head with rubbish.

-What do you know about it?

-I know the social'll jump on anything.

Is Shirley right? Is it over?

Is that why you was moving all your stuff out of Phil's?

And, no, don't give me any of this rubbish, all right? Or any of this big talk.

I just want to know.

Darling, Phil was honest.

He came clean - that's a good thing.

Until they dig a little bit deeper and find some MORE Mitchell honesty.

-Get out.

-No.

Not until you get real! Stop dangling Lexi in front of her like this!

Look, will you please just tell me something good?!

Please... Tell me I haven't lost Lexi.

They can look into his past and they'll see he's a reformed man.

Let's hope they're blind, then.

He's doing this for you, babe.

Which shows how much he wants you to have Lexi.

So, what, when we go to court they're just going to accept all that, are they?

Well, that depends on you standing up and telling them you're happy...

That Phil's great and everything's wonderful.

Good luck with that one!

Look...

there's two people here who loved Phil.

Now neither of us are idiots so there's got to be a lot of good in him,

a good they're going to see.

Now, ain't that right, Shirley?

Tell her.

Yeah. Sharon's right.

We weren't idiots.

We were the biggest prats in history. There's not a scrap of good in him.

Do you know what?! I knew this wasn't going to work!

Lola! Lola, wait!

-Happy now she's in tears, are you?

-I'm just trying to be honest with her.

Oh, and of course, you're not at all bitter and resentful of Phil, are you?

-Why shouldn't I be?

-Why take it out on Lola?

Only we thought different, we thought we'd fight tooth and nail for her.

-All that effort with no result.

-And you know this how?

You haven't met our social workers, you don't know them, you don't know what they're thinking.

-You're just mouthing off with nothing to back it up.

-I know Phil Mitchell!

Take him out of the equation, I might change my mind.

And since when is this about what you thought, eh?

Lola's vulnerable...

and he's going to take advantage of her.

You know your biggest problem, Shirley?

You think that just because your life is hopeless then everyone else's should be.

Well, I won't let that happen to Lola.

And neither will Phil.

-You off then?

-Yeah, we're off.

-OK.

-Ready?

-Yep.

-Ready?

-Michael's going our way.

-Borrowed a car from Max, got a bit of business.

OK, cool.

-Right, young man, behave yourself, all right?

-No.

Yes! You keep your eye on Mummy for me, OK?

-Listen, give Charlie a kiss from me, will you, darling?

-Yeah.

-Promise you'll call me. though, yeah?

-Yeah, I promise.

-Be a good boy. See you, Tommy. Bye!

-Speak to you later.

All right, darling, take care. Drive safely.

Always do.

No-one has any! No-one! There's no snow to go, bruv!

And I been calling round everywhere. Alfie...

Yeah, OK, all right...

So what's all this? Last I knew you were a chef.

-Relax. I squared it with Alfie and Jean's got my back.

-Oi.

Mate, if you want my attention then you say "excuse me".

No, no, what's going on here?

You know, it's a nativity scene. Yeah, I'm going to fill it with Jesus and that.

Oh, right, sorry, sorry...

-Oh blimey, you're quick!

-Man, I'm always quick.

And some days he slows right down.

I can see that looking quite good. Three wise men, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, couple of donkeys. It'll be great.

-So are you on the mulled wine?

-No, no, no, I like a nice, big nativity scene.

Oh, that's nice. Well this is a fruit and veg stall.

-What?

-Caribbean style.

No, hang on, I have got the only fruit and veg stall round here.

You could always turn your stall into a nativity scene.

You guys have just crossed a line, OK? And I'm going to push you straight back over it.

-Careful, Ian, you're going to bust a blood vessel.

-Yeah, keep your plums on, yeah?

You can laugh all you want. You've got yourselves a fruit and veg war.

-Yeah? Bring it on!

-May the best yam win.

-Oh...

-Like that one, yeah?

-I do!

-Just think about it.

-I have.

It'd be our first Christmas with Dad.

Oh, touching, that, ain't it, Alice(!) It's only taken him, what, 20-odd years.

-What about me? Do I not get a say in this?

-You're sorted, ain't you?

Look, Alice, I'll spend Christmas with someone I want to spend Christmas with. OK?

Look, I'm in the Vic if you want to come and apologise for earlier.

And that is a joke, in case you think it ain't.

Women. Pff...

-Can't understand them.

-That's all part of the fun, ain't it, eh?

Yeah, well, it ain't fun when they're not behaving how you want them to, is it?

Yeah. We don't own them.

Oh, right. Is that why I just saw Michael taking Kat out earlier?

Yeah, well, she's off to see Charlie, ain't she?

Yeah, and left you in the lurch! Ain't very nice.

You want to call her, you want to make a stand, mate.

What? What's the matter with you? The bloke ain't well.

What you should be doing, Jack, is talking to Sharon. You know, try acting like a gent.

Yeah, yeah, I could do that or... I could have another drink.

I think it's another drink. At least scotch you can trust.

Women...

Pff! Always let you down, don't they?

Make it a double, Alf.

Look at that!

Aye-aye, mince pie!

That's what I call a proper reindeer!

So what d'you call the other one? It's exactly the same.

-Right, are you going to help me switch them on, yeah?

-Mm-hm.

-Put his big red nose on the map.

Tell him please, Carol. Say, "Look, little brother, you're making us a laughing stock."

To be honest, I just popped round to see if you had a spare Christmas tree.

-Like a tinsel one or something?

-Nah, don't do tinsel.

-Sorry.

To be honest, I don't know why he's going to all this trouble.

I haven't even had my results back yet and he's acting all festive and sorted.

Yeah, well, you will be, won't you?

I tell you, this is going to be the Christmas to end all Christmases.

Right, go and get the leads, will you?

We only told Abi about the scan last night.

I'm wondering if we should've, you know? She seems a bit worried.

DOORBELL

It's all right, I'll go.

Do you need this?

-What, the box?

-Mm.

Peace and goodwill?

What you doing with Scarlett?

-What do you think I'm doing?

-Well, she's not yours!

And you've got Amy, anyway, so how comes now you've got two and I've got none!

Lola! Back off, all right?

You need to know that Phil is not the answer.

You want to get Lexi back then you'll have to think of something else.

What else am I supposed to do?!

No, go on. You seem to know all the answers, don't you? So you tell me - what do I do now?!

-JOEY:

-'I didn't think you'd, er, let me through the door.

-MAX:

-Neither did I...'

-What you doing?

-'So what is it exactly...'

-You can't just listen in, it's private!

-Shh!

-(Why ain't you at work?)

-(Poppy's covering me.)

(Well move up, then. I can't hear anything.)

I just...wanted to see Lauren. You know...

Make sure she was all right.

'You want to make sure she's OK after you nearly wiped her off the face of the Earth?'

No... How can I make things up to you, then, Max? Come on, please, please, tell me.

I don't know.

See the problem with what you done, Joey, is you've brought up a lot of stuff for me.

You know, I lost my son...

Thanks to you, I nearly lost my daughter.

I would never do anything to hurt Lauren on purpose. It's the last thing I'd ever do.

'All right, I'll explain to you, this is what's going to happen.'

We're going to have a great family Christmas...

..cos I've got a great family.

You see, the thing is there's...

There's a lot going on, Joey, you know?

I mean, I'm getting remarried, Christmas Eve.

Tanya, she's getting her results.

And then you got Lauren, you know...

I mean, I can't even look at her.

Get a cold shudder go through me when I think what might've happened to her, so...

(So I'm going to grab them all close, Joey.)

(And I'm going to keep them there... tight.)

And we're going to have a nice, normal, loving, family Christmas,

and I'm really sorry, mate...

..but you... You're not part of it.

(I love that man.)

'Is that it...?'

You all right? You get there all right?

Just I was, you know, expecting a call, that's all.

You know what birds are like. Minds like sieves.

Yeah. Listen, Michael, thanks for doing that.

Drinks are on the house, Scarlett permitting, of course.

Roxy's got her. And that what's-her-name's coming up. Whitney's coming over.

-Pushing your luck a bit, ain't you?

-I'm paying her.

No, I meant Roxy. You're here while she's looking after Scarlett. That's called taking advantage, Michael.

She's a woman, Alfie. What else are you meant to do with them?

You got to do it to them before they do it to you, Alf.

MUSIC PLAYS

Great(!) I was hoping he wasn't working tonight.

Can we just go somewhere else, please?

No. Look, we're here now, aren't we? Hi.

All right?

-Do you want a drink?

-No...

-Yeah. Yeah, why not.

-Keep your eyes shut, all right?

-I am.

-No looking!

-No? Can't see?

-No.

OK...

After three. One two...

-ALL:

-THREE!

-We've got a tree!

-Do you like it?

Sorry about earlier, Mum.

-Gran said Liam was out of order.

-The only colour he had was purple.

-Are they Pat's earrings?

-Yeah!

It's the best tree I've ever seen! Thanks.

I heard you and Dad talking.

-Are you not meant to be out with her?

-I'm just chatting.

Listen, Lucy, I'm, er...

I'm sorry, all right?

Excuse me?

I wasn't very nice to you, was I?

And I've been...I've been kicking myself ever since.

So much, I can barely walk.

Stop it.

I'm being serious, Lucy. I wore a pair of me shoes out booting myself.

Er, hello...!

Look...all I'm trying to say, all right, is

I'm sorry and...

I'm an idiot.

Yeah, well, I could've told you that and a lot worse...

-Yeah, go on then, Luce, go on, give me both barrels.

-Hey, I will do!

-Good!

Not here though, eh?

Do you want to go back to yours?

No, sweetheart, no, I'm just checking you got there safe and sound, that's all.

Yeah, well, course I worry about you.

Listen, do me a big fa... No, listen, do me a big favour, OK?

When you speak to Charlie give him a big kiss and tell him I'm expecting a massive Christmas gift, OK?

Yeah, all right. Yeah. Yeah, I love you too.

All right, darling, bye-bye.

No, no. Please, stop, stop, please...

What?

-I thought this was what you wanted?

-Yeah, and so did I, all right. But now I'm here and...

-It's not where you want to be.

-No, I didn't say that, Luce, all right.

-You did.

OK, you wish I was someone else, don't you?

It's just...

Look, whoever it is...

she's not here and...

I am.

And you know what else? You would just ditch her anyway...

-No, no...

-..and come back here!

-No, no, listen, all right? This is different, OK? This is...

This is really different.

I love her.

All right?

I love her.

-Joey...

-No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

TANYA: 'You are joking? I can't believe we've still got it out there! Honestly!

'With all the lights! Next year you'll have some sleigh on the roof!

'Do you remember? Do you remember that time he dressed as an elf?

'..around the tree.'

LAUGHTER INSIDE

-MAX:

-'I could put a light under...'

'Stick him out the front. We should get a collection box, shouldn't we?'

HE HUMS TO HIMSELF

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd