24/12/2012 EastEnders

Are you going to let her get away with this again?

Mum, I feel like throttling the girl but what can I do?

She was one drink away from getting her stomach pumped last night.

Can I have five minutes alone with Tanya, please?

But we've got to clear all of this up!

Unless you want your guests to bring a mop and bucket.

Just five minutes. Please.

Come on.

What are we going to do, Max?

Honestly, I've never seen her like that before.

We both know whose fault that is, don't we?

You can't speak to Derek. You know you can't?

One bad night, Max. That's all it takes.

I mean, look at Billie.

That's not going to happen to Lauren.

How do we know that?

Because she's got us, hasn't she?

DOORBELL RINGS

Abi!

Right, I'll get it.

Look at all this.

-Hiya!

-Come in.

I can't do it, Max. Not whilst she's in this state.

What do you mean? What're you saying?

We'll have to cancel the wedding.

# Goin' to the chapel And we're gonna get married ... #

It's Alice I feel sorry for.

Imagine finding out your dad's a...

philanderer.

That ain't the word I'd use.

So, you all set for later?

I'm booked on the 7:27 train home.

What are you going to do?

What me? What, after the wedding of the year?

The possibilities are endless, you know.

I was thinking about having a sound clash with Patrick, you know,

going tune for tune. And maybe crack open a few cans

with that Polish guy at number four.

Don't you worry about me, babe.

Christmas in Walford is going to be off the chizay!

-There ain't been any word from Social Services?

-No. No one's answering.

-You'll have to go down there.

-No point. Office is closed for Christmas.

-They said she was getting better!

-Since when did they keep their word?

-So she ain't coming home today?

-Don't look like it.

But I came back from Blackpool for a family Christmas!

Well, looks like you've had a wasted journey.

Listen, Christmas drinks round mine later, yeah? And no arguments.

What's a few more days, eh?

Where are you going?

I thought I'd get a bit of fresh air.

Maybe go and see Kim.

Oh no, no, no. I don't think that's a good idea!

All them people pointing and sneering.

I tell you what, why don't you go back upstairs, eh?

Get your head down for a few hours. Save your strength. Hmmm?

Got a big day tomorrow.

You know... you, me and Tommy...

And Alice. We're going to be a proper family.

Whoa! Whoa, hold on. What are you doing with all that?

It's all right, it's all right, the wedding's off. Max says bin it.

Because it's going to spoil anyway, innit?

-You OK?

-Yeah, yeah. I'm good.

I've got punters they'd give their right arm for... what is it?

-Erm, I don't know, something with artichoke.

-OK.

Alfie, you're not seriously thinking of opening up? Alfie?

-No one died last time I checked.

-Alfie...

It's the busiest time of the year. Of course I'm going to open up.

-No-one's expecting you to be here.

-Where else am I going to be?

Come on, I'm Alfie Moon!

To most people round here I AM Christmas!

No, no, no, Jean. Don't.

Sorry. I'm sorry. It's just that I love Kat so much.

She's done so much for me.

Jean... Jean, Jean, look, it's OK. Yeah? OK.

It's just that I didn't know. Hadn't a clue!

Right under my nose.

I mean, what she's done, Alfie, is absolutely unforgivable!

OK. OK. Woo! Jean, what is it? What is it?

-It's Christmas Eve, isn't it?

-Yeah.

And we open in approximately one hour. I think we need mince pies.

What else do we need? We need mistletoe...

-I've got a stash of that!

-Right.

I bet you have, you dirty mare!

Right, come on, Mo. We've got a party to organise.

Jean... do you think you could take the little man over to...

over to his mum's for me?

Jean....?

I'll go with you.

(Thank you.)

Come on, let's get you on that sofa.

I need to get dressed...

Don't worry about all that.

Did I do all this?

Come on, you need some rest.

I'm really sorry.

I know you are, darling.

What about the wedding...

There's not going to be a wedding, Lauren.

Because of me?

Do you know, I never got any of those crackers.

Or that brandy cream that my mum likes.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I've spoken to the photographer and the registrar, OK?

And I've rung round all the guests.

Yeah, we think we caught most of them in time.

Thank you.

Did they say whether I could have the same venue, different date?

Well, you're looking at February at the earliest.

You're kidding.

It's silly, ain't it?

I should be too old to get excited about this stuff, shouldn't I?

It's just it feels like it's been the first thing in years

that this family could celebrate, you know?

Well, we can still have a nice day tomorrow, can't we?

Yeah, course we can, darlin'.

You going to be coming with Jack? Bring Denny?

Oh well, I did say I'd go and see Phil.

How about I try and do both?

-Yeah?

-Yeah, that'd be great.

DOORBELL RINGS

I've packed his rabbit

and the stocking that he made for Santa.

How's Alfie?

How do you think?

You all right, Jean?

How could you do that to him?

It's just as well that your mother ain't here cos she'd die of shame.

-That ain't fair, Nan.

-I'll tell you what ain't fair, shall I?

Listening to Alfie sobbing his heart out most of the night.

Mummy's missed you.

I know it ain't much fun but we've got to make the best of it, eh?

How about we go and see Father Christmas in his grotto, yeah?

Fats, how's it going over there, mate?

Oh, you know, man, just ticking over.

-Winner takes the day's takings remember?

-Hey, hey, hey,

there's only one person going home to an empty stocking, all right?

-How selfish is that?

-What?

Cancelling the wedding just as I've bought a new dress.

So, what do you think happened?

Chances are it's that brother of his, innit.

Tyler, you should be ashamed of yourself, working for that old toad.

Business is business, Kim.

You know what you need?

Kimmy, the three wise men themselves could not dig me out of this hole.

Sex. And I'm just the girl for the job.

Kim, I'm friends with Ray! I work with Ray!

Why would you...?

All right, Kim?

Who's that from?

From Dot.

I've tried to fix this but...

... Abi's just better at sewing, ain't she?

Dad, please don't hate me!

I know I should've told you about me and Joey but...

Why did Mum lie to me?

She was trying to protect you from Derek, that's why.

And I've ruined everything.

Just like I always do every Christmas.

It's not always down to you, is it?

I miss him.

Yeah, I know.

Mum was so excited, wasn't she, about the wedding?

Abi.

Stick those in water, will you?

Keep an eye on Lauren.

-Where're you going?

-I've got to pop out. Sort some stuff out.

-I can come with you if you want?

-No, you stay here.

You get some rest, all right?

Is that my sister under there?

Well, what do you think? Santa's bootylicious fairy.

More like Mavis out of Willo the Wisp.

Come and pull a cracker, boys!

Kim is here to make sure your Christmas starts off with a bang!

-That's a bit desperate, ain't it?

-Mate. Sex sells, yeah?

Come and pull a cracker, gents!

Kat?

-How's my little Christmas Elf, eh?

-NEXT!

You can take him in if you want.

Come on, buddy. Come on Amy, let's go and see Father Christmas, yeah?

Yeah, come on then.

I think Santa's had one too many, to be honest with you!

We should be getting back to the pub, yeah?

Yeah. I know, mate.

Listen buddy, I know - you have a good time tomorrow, yeah?

Make sure you leave your stocking out for Santa Claus.

And you leave out some milk and carrots for Rudolph, yeah?

Or you can even leave him a beer, yeah?

Kisses? Kisses?

Thanks, mate. I'm going to miss you, OK? OK.

Here you go. Come on, let's go.

Go.

Didn't that voice message mean anything to you?

-You better say something you know.

-Yeah, I will.

It's all right for you. Going to Blackpool.

-I'm the one that's had to deal with him.

-OK!

Have you seen who's on the telly? Come and have a look.

Go. Go.

We ain't staying long.

No. Lola's meeting some mates.

-Is this it?

-Oh, here you go. Help yourself.

-No tree?

-Waste of money, ain't it?

Merry flamin' Christmas.

Listen, Phil... Me and Lola - the thing is, we...

Why've you brought us here?

I don't get it.

Well, I weren't going to bring you here for nothing, was I?

BABY COOS

Hello!

Oh, Merry Christmas, baby girl! Hello.

Thanks, Phil.

Hey, look at you!

Just come and see us, all right?

Miss you. Come again. Thank you.

You said it yourself, mate. Sex sells.

Ladies, we've got a two for one offer. Kimmy! Kim!

All right. Here. I've got a load of ribbon here, yeah?

Who wants to tie me up? Or untie me?

You want to tinkle with my tinsel?

You want to play with my bauble?

You know what? Kimmy, Kimmy, just give it up, man.

Just forget it.

-No, no, no, no.

-Forget it.

-Who wants to feel up my leg?

Look at that, eh? Proper little domestic goddess.

Do us a favour, Angel. Go and wake Kat up for me?

She's not here.

I saw her go out a few hours ago.

Here he is. My brother from another mother.

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm great.

-Yeah?

Right, so, great. Hand them over then.

Winner takes today's takings.

That WAS the agreement, wasn't it?

-That's right.

-OK, lovely. Thank you.

Right, I better get counting then.

I wouldn't bother. See, this stud muffin,

he's had 'em queuing round the block for a bite of his mince pies.

And the market's being dismantled now, so there's no chance.

-So, I'm sorry, Alf.

-It's OK. It's not over till the fat lady sings.

Mo - start warming up!

Are you still having this stupid wager with Derek?

Hey, I never go back on my word, Rox.

After everything he's done to you?

-You all right, Alf?

-He's fine.

Alf, we're all on your side, mate.

Come on. Who wants a glass of Mo's finest Christmas punch, eh?

Guaranteed to blow your brains out.

Oh, come on, you miserable lot! Have you've forgotten? It's Christmas!

It's Christmas. Come on. Kimberley, give us a tune, sweetheart!

I'll have myself some of that punch, Alfie.

SHE PURRS

# Rockin' around The Christmas tree

# At the Christmas party hop

# Mistletoe hung where you can see

# As the couples try to stop... #

I hate Christmas.

You want to be careful stood here.

If people catch you talking to me, they'll have you flogged.

The problem with people round here, they're all too quick to judge.

They've got a point though, haven't they?

I broke his heart.

That's the good thing about hearts.

They mend. I should know. I've been trampled on enough.

Don't make it right though, does it? What I did.

You want him back?

Course I do.

Just give it a bit of time.

Then what?

You FIGHT for him.

I'm frightened, Shirl.

Here, what you doing out here in the cold, eh?

Come on, let's get you back inside.

We've got a big day tomorrow.

-Two jugs of Mo's punch.

-Where would I be without you, eh, Pe-Roxide?

-So which one are you? Roasted or mashed?

-What?

You can tell a lot about a girl by what kind of potato she likes.

Christmas dinner tomorrow.

Play your cards right, I might let you pull my cracker.

-Yeah!

-Oi, oi, oi!

If I can have your attention please, ladies and gentlemen?

Here she is. Carol flamin' Vorderman.

What exactly have you come as?

A Christmas fairy.

We'll stick you on the tree in the Square next year.

OK, it turns out that we have a landslide victory

-for one of our boys.

-Well done, brother.

OK, first off we have Fatboy

with takings of £334.22.

CHEERING

And then we have Tyler.

All right, drum roll, please.

Lovely Tyler, with a grand total of £276.03.

Alfie and Fatboy are our winners.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How did that happen, man? You had that in the bag.

Hey, listen man, I don't need your charity.

I didn't do it for you.

I done it for Alfie.

DOORBELL RINGS

There we go, 54 pigs in blankets as promised.

I'll put them in the kitchen, shall I?

-Now I don't know what's been going on...

-Let me explain then, shall I?

You've been blackmailing Tanya. What's wrong with you, Del?

What? You forcing her to break my daughter's heart so you could get back at Joey?

Look, we reached an agreement.

As far as I'm concerned, everyone's a winner.

Joey's out the picture.

Lauren's free to find herself a proper boyfriend.

Preferably one outside the family. What's the matter with you?

You should be thanking me!

Get out of my sight, Del.

Why don't we just let bygones be bygones

-and all have a nice Christmas dinner tomorrow?

-No, no...

No, no, Del. You ain't welcome in this house.

Do you hear me?

It's a tradition, Max.

Me as head of the family, carving the turkey.

Del, have you listened to a word I've said? You ain't welcome to set a foot in this house.

-Now do one.

-Do one?

-Yeah.

All right, let's see, shall we?

What would you rather?

Christmas with your Lauren behind bars.

Oh right, here we go.

And what about Tanya?

How many more times is that poor woman going to have to forgive you?

So you're standing there and you're going to threaten me now, are you?

Yeah.

All right, Del. Here's what we're going to do, all right?

You're going to get one more day as head of this family.

One more day then that's it. We're through.

You don't mean that.

Don't I? Me, Jack, Carol. We're all through with you, mate.

Joey's gone. Alice has had it up to here with you. Kat...

Don't you dare mention that woman's name.

I give it a week before she's on the first bus out of here.

Oh, do you?

You've got 24 hours, Derek.

You've got 24 hours and counting.

HE CHUCKLES

DOOR SLAMS

What are you doing? You're supposed to be on the train back home!

Yeah, I was, but I remembered I left something behind.

What was it? Do you want me to help you find it?

She's talking about you, you muppet!

You were talking about me? Come here.

CHEERING

What does this mean exactly?

I mean, just in case any of these lot ask.

I think it's what Mrs Branning would call going steady?

Yeah?

Right, that's time, folks. Time.

What, Alfie?

Time to go home. Goodnight.

I got here just in time then.

-Unless of course...

-Unless...

Jean, close the curtains. We're going to have a lock-in!

Stick on the lights on the Christmas tree, Shirley! Come on.

Just call me Mamma Christmas!

Daddy.

I don't even like Brussels sprouts.

No, me neither.

So why're we having them then?

It's tradition, isn't it?

All right, Lauren. How are you feeling?

What time is it?

Just gone 11.

I can't believe I've missed, like, the whole of Christmas Eve.

That's all right. You ain't missed much.

Your Nan's had one too many and your mum's stressing about tomorrow.

Do you remember when I let you and Abi open a present on Christmas Eve?

Yeah...

Well, go on then.

How about that one?

I don't understand.

I'm going to marry your mum tomorrow,

but it's our secret, all right?

See? You haven't ruined everything.

We're going to get our Christmas, Lauren.

Good girl.

It's me.

You'll find Max in Albert Square, Walford.

Call it an early Christmas present.

I'll even hand him to you myself.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd