04/01/2013 EastEnders

-He's with her.

-What? No, don't be stupid. Just try him again.

How hard, Abs? How hard have I got to try?

It's Uncle Derek's funeral.

Lauren's down the police station, God knows why,

last thing I need is a paranoid mum!

RINGING

I can hear a phone. Can you hear a phone?

There's hundreds of phones in Walford, Abs.

No, no, no, I can hear Dad's phone!

I love him, Lucy. I do! I'm completely in love with him.

I only said that stuff to make you feel better.

Lucy, Lucy, listen to me, right, you cannot prove anything!

So if you go in there, I...

We will both just say that you're lying.

Caught me.

Have you got heating in this car?

I hope someone's keeping their eye on the time.

Where are they all?

-Joey, Joey, come here.

-There a problem?

-DOOR SLAMS

-Carol, look, whatever you've forgotten, it'll keep. Carol?

HE SIGHS

Look, all we need to do is be there for Derek now, like you said.

Abi!

What's the hold-up?

I don't know. Lauren's having some sort of drama.

Another one?

Well, you could borrow Whitney's.

Yeah, I'm sure it's just been a mix-up, darling.

Oh, yeah. Lauren and Lucy. And a police mix-up.

Right, I'm going to have to go, Al. But I'll be back, don't worry.

-Oh, Joey, promise me?

-All right.

-Fatboy can drive.

-Whatever, mate. Trust me, won't you?

Everything is about you, isn't it, Lauren?

I mean, you sit on your backside doing nothing all day,

just drinking your pocket money...

I don't have to listen to this!

You have no idea!

Getting up when it is still dark, falling asleep over the accounts...

Look, I wake up every morning still and I don't know

if my dad's going to be there.

Lauren, the one thing that I had to hang on to is that...

I don't know, maybe once I get my head straight...

He's not just a bloke, Lauren.

What?

You said... you said you didn't want Joey back.

Yeah, and you said you were my friend!

Lucy, please. Please, please don't wreck my whole life.

You said you were my best friend.

Carol, will you put your coat on, please, and do that later?

Will you just shut up!

BEEPING

'I'm sorry. The number you have dialled has been disconnected.'

I thought you were with her, you know?

Yeah, I was.

But it's fine. She's gone.

Good.

-Look, Carol had a word with her an' all.

-Oh, right, Carol did?

Yeah. What was she sticking her nose in for? I was always going to tell her to go.

-Don't need Carol forcing my hand.

-Oh, don't you?

Did you think I was going to spend my life biting my tongue?

None of us know how long we got, Max.

Ain't it about time that sunk in?

Our daughter is down the police station.

If you ask me, Carol wants thanking, not bad-mouthing. I mean,

you give a woman like Kirsty the tiniest bit of hope, right,

the slightest bit of encouragement,

and we are talking bunny boiler here, they never leave.

Babe, all I gave her was her train fare home.

Good. Finally.

Maybe you give your wife a divorce and you and me

could do more than just sleep in the same bed.

-Will you two hurry up!

-No, I can't. Lauren's at the police station.

Joey's gone. He'll sort it.

Can't you let Lauren just stand on her own two feet for once?

I have to be there.

Do what you want. I'm going to find Jack.

Uncle Derek cannot be late for his own funeral, Mum.

See, even today, even today that man is pulling your father's strings

like he's some sort of puppet.

Right, we'll ring her in the car. Come on, we'll ring her in the car.

Alice, you will be all right.

A friend of mine once told me that

the trick with funerals is to take one step at a time.

You're so kind.

No.

Dad knew you were kind.

Alice, you really...

That's it, right?

All else fails, you take a sniff of the lavender oil, yeah?

Good girl.

At last.

If your beau gets a wriggle on, we'll nearly have a full house.

Perhaps they're having a couple of private minutes together,

brother and sister.

It's traditional to follow the hearse at five miles an hour.

If Jack walks fast, he can catch us up.

Oh, come on. Drive on, eh?

Carol, do me a favour. Can you deal with this later, please?

How could he do that? Have you seen the date on this?

Not to tell me. I mean, how could he?

He knew how I felt. And Bianca. And the kids.

David needed my help. He virtually begs!

Do you know what kind of state he must be in to write this?

Listen, we're going to leave the house now!

Get off! All the times that I forgave Derek.

All the allowances and the second chances. Poor little kid!

Poor little kid, my eye! He was a spiteful bully.

I mean, Derek got off on throwing his weight around, didn't he?

I mean, seriously, Jack. Was there something mentally wrong with him?

Yes, all right. Quite probably, Carol. It's quite probable, innit?

But we can't go back, can we?

And wishing it was any different.

We only get one shot at it, don't we?

I can't forgive him for this. I can't. I'm not coming.

-You're not coming?

-No.

Right, fine. That's your choice.

Just remember. Regret ain't just a word, is it?

Everything all right, Jay?

Yeah.

Er, a small tea, please?

Cheers.

Could try reversing, bruv.

-Going down one of the one-ways if you want.

-No. No.

No? OK. Do you want a mint?

-Here, man, you could have a mint.

-I can drive myself.

All right. It's OK, brother. Chill out. It's not a problem.

I like a good conversation.

I'm not saying I expect a conversation, you know.

On a day like today. Your mind's in other places and that.

And we don't want another crash, do we, so...

You know, if you was Mo Farah, you could sprint that.

So, why do you think Lauren's gone to the police station?

Not that it's any of my business, you know.

On a day like today.

Brother, the amount of times I've wished my dad dead.

Not really dead, obviously, you know.

There is a big difference between wishing it

and wanting it, ain't there?

But my dad, man, he's a wreck.

You know, I don't care what my life turns into

as long as I don't turn into him.

I texted him at Christmas, you know.

Poppy made me so I texted him at Christmas.

She's got the family and the socks and the cake and that.

And I thought maybe, just maybe I could have a slice of that.

Cos I think that she could be it, you know?

I think that she could be... Do you get what I'm saying?

I mean, how could he not want to meet her?

You cannot not like her if you meet her.

I mean, he might not be bothered about

me, but you'd go the extra mile for Poppy, man!

You know, you'd climb a mountain, bruv.

You'd brave the burning building.

You'd meet me halfway at least for a slice of pizza or something.

But no. Nothing. No reply.

Man didn't even text back.

-You all right, mate?

-Hm.

You didn't choke on a mint, did you?

I owe him. I owe him.

OK. Joey?

Oh, OK.

# And now the end is here

# And so I face the final curtain

# My friend, I'll say it clear

# I'll state my case of which I'm certain

# I've lived a life that's full

# I travelled each and every highway

# And more Much more than this

# I did it my way. #

Please be seated.

Where is she? Where's Nan?

Where've you been?

He'll be here, all right?

And thank you for coming here today

to say goodbye to a loving father, brother and son.

Derek Branning.

Lauren!

Is that what you think of me?

What, do you think I ain't honest?

Listen to me, all right? I know I don't say... I have...

I have missed you every single day.

I'm not even a mate. That's what she said.

Let alone good enough to be with you.

Every day, Lauren.

I'm a drunk, Joey. That's what she reckons.

Always looking for something to take the edge off.

-Do you think I'm a drunk?

-No.

No, no, I'm not. OK, it was one drink!

It weren't like I was smashed, was it?

And yes, I know I risked us both but...your dad's right.

I shouldn't even be allowed out. We shouldn't be together.

You think it too, don't you?

Lauren, he saved you! He saved you, Lauren. And me.

When it came down to it, Lauren, he stepped up for us, didn't he, eh?

Yeah, he gloated. He used it.

But he risked everything.

Everything for us...

like a dad.

Lauren...

he was more of a man than I ever thought.

Don't... Don't go. Don't go in there.

Please.

Please, Lauren.

Not today.

I can't say goodbye to you an' all.

There we go.

To bad rubbish.

-Bad rubbish.

-Hm.

Feels good, that feels good. I feel good.

I feel happy, you know, like when the doctor gave you those pills.

-No. My doc didn't give me no pills.

-Medication, yes.

I feel good, you know.

I don't know, no more of them relationship conversations.

You know, or going through your wife's knicker drawer

looking for clues.

No. No, no, no. I'm happy now.

I'm in a good place now, you see. That's where I'm at.

Cos I'm uncomplicatedly happy with an uncomplicatedly lovely girl.

Alfie, uncomplicatedly, right, it ain't a word.

Let me stop you right there.

Cos jealousy is a very destructive emotion, young man.

Look at me, look. I'm living proof.

Look how happy I am. Living proof, eh?

Will you stop it with the self-satisfied smug grin?

Listen, mate, it's only a matter of time

till another Mrs Beale comes through...

What number is it again?

Mrs Beale, we are looking for... it's got to be number 87.

Number 87, come through that door right now. Yeah.

No. No, no, no.

Even better though, I've got a beautiful blonde girl who can

introduce you to her beautiful blonde sister.

I think you already know her, don't you?

She's off her nut and banged up somewhere.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

What, your horse come last, did it?

What have I told you about throwing your money away, son?

You on your own?

Yeah. Yeah. Abi's, uh... Well, it's the funeral and that, innit?

Right.

Derek's a pillock anyway. Abs don't need me there stating the obvious.

Tell me about it. He's a grade one, ain't he?

I ain't applied for any of them.

Care assistant? Means night shifts.

I can't apply for any of them,

cos I ain't got the NVQ, whatever that is.

Well I didn't really have you down

as the sensitive bum-wiping type, really.

What?

Well, you... With your house, and your business,

and all your other stuff.

What? You pay off your mortgage and your memory gets wiped?

You think being broke only happens somewhere else?

Do I look like I can afford a sensitive side?

Do you want a bit of dinner?

Marie, do us a favour, get him a bit of dinner, will ya?

No, I'm all right, thanks, I'm all right.

You've had Lexi to sort, ain't you?

And I ain't actually your son, am I?

So, it's all right, something will turn up.

I can sort my own dinner, thanks.

Jay.

Do you want your old job back?

Well, yeah.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days

of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

And now, a few personal words from Derek's sister, Carol.

OK. How about Joey?

No? Well, erm, that's...

So, if no-one has any readings, a few words...

Poem?

Mum!

Mum! What are you doing? Sit down.

Someone's got to speak up for him.

Derek Branning was an obnoxious, difficult, pig-headed little man.

Yeah! He was!

I'd have cheerfully swung for him this Christmas.

One of those people it's best knowing at a distance.

Close up, they give you a headache.

That's all well and good, but it's got to be lonely, ain't it?

The thing about Derek was he knew...

..he knew what he stood for

and he had the courage to say his piece and be damned.

Which as a matter of fact he often was, really, wasn't he?

Come on, all you lot had a pop. Don't be shy.

Put your hand up, anyone here ain't fell out with Derek Branning.

One thing we can't argue about, he touched all our lives.

Made an impact.

You know there was a time

when the East End was full of men like that.

Proper East End gents like Derek.

Men in their prime. Men getting involved. Principles.

Loyalty.

Guidance, like it or lump it.

Yeah.

You can call that arrogance if you like.

Sexist.

I call it manners.

Arm across the road and a nice little drop of malt whisky.

Just like our dads.

Protecting his nearest and dearest.

And he did love you, Alice. More than words can say.

Ten years.

A decade. That's a long time.

Missing out at Her Majesty's Pleasure. Locked out.

Everyone carrying on without you.

You know, Derek told me he kept going all those years, ten years.

He hoped that one day he'd get a chance to make it up to you all.

Derek shouted so much cos he wanted someone to give a monkey's.

He wanted to be at the head of your table, Max.

Because he wanted to be part of it.

He wanted to be at the centre.

Derek Branning.

Loud, sentimental, old-fashioned fool.

He wanted his family to respect him and love him.

He wanted to be at the heart of it.

And at last...

..just for a moment...

..they're all here for you, Derek.

They're all gathered round.

Please stand.

We now commit Derek's body to be cremated. Earth to earth,

ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

In the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.

# That's life

# That's life

# All the people say

# You're riding high in April

# Shot down in May

# But I know I'm gonna change that tune

# When I'm back on top

# Back on top in June

# I said that's life

# That's life

# And as funny as it may seem

# Some people get their kicks

# Stomping on a dream

# But I don't let it get me down... #

You said she was gone!

# Cos this fine old world

# It keeps spinning around... #

Joey, it's OK. Joey, come on, breathe with me.

It's OK. It's going to be all right.

It's going to get easier... apparently.

Come on, it's OK. He loved you.

And he knew that you loved him, really. It's all right.

-You made it, Joey, you were there. At the funeral, you made it.

-No!

-It's OK.

-No!

No. I let him die. I let him die!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd