15/01/2013 EastEnders


15/01/2013

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Getting stuck in, Dot?

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They're not mine.

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-I haven't got 'em.

-You know what that means, don't you?

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Oh, great. Great. Why don't you go round there and pick them up?

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Why don't you introduce yourself while you're there?

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Joey, go and make yourself useful, will ya?

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All right. See ya.

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You going to get dressed today or what?

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You know you make it very hard for me and your mum

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to be proud of you, Lauren.

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Oh, thanks.

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When was the last time you had a shower?

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Hello, dar...

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I got enough on my plate without the latest Lauren drama.

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We need to talk about Kirsty.

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-Babe, can we do it later? I got to make this phone call.

-Max!

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Hang on.

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Hello, mate. You all right?

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It isn't funny.

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No, it's not. It's hilarious.

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She's your granddaughter.

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Thanks for pointing that out, Dot,

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but I don't think Alzheimer's has set in just yet.

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Where are you going?

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Work.

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Work?

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Oh, hello, Mrs Branning. Um.

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We haven't properly met yet, which is funny,

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seeing as I live in your house.

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Yes, highly amusing.

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I'm Poppy.

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How do you do?

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Mrs B? Mrs B! I haven't seen you in so long.

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It's so good to see you. I have missed you so much.

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Oh, my goodness. Look at you. You are looking good.

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And those earrings, they're looking sharp. So sharp they're dangerous.

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-SHE LAUGHS

-I've had 'em pierced.

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It was all down to Dotty, I'll tell you about it later.

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Oh, I've missed you, Arthur.

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There was no need to make such a fuss of me.

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What?

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Still, you've bought them now, so... Thank you very much.

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Yeah, well...of course. I mean, welcome home, Mrs B.

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To the prettiest Poppy on the block.

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Poppy?

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HE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

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Yes. Poppy.

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Morning. Sleep well?

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It's midday.

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So it is. Would you like a tea?

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Kettle's just boiled.

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Or there's juice in the fridge.

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With bits, I think, if you like bits.

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If you don't mind them. I like it smooth.

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But does Zainab ever listen?

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Or at least she does and then she wilfully ignores me,

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which isn't out of character...

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-Ayesha, about last night...

-Where's Aunty-Ji?

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Minute Mart.

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Kim.

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Wait up. Kim!

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You keep 'em.

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Don't you like them?

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No, no, it's not that.

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Where am I going to put a vase of flowers when I'm homeless?

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Mrs B hasn't chucked you out.

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No. Not yet. But she don't like me though.

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Oh, baby, how could she not like you, huh?

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You did not see the way she looked at me.

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Right, listen. Mrs B, she's just like a pussycat.

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Yeah? You've just got to know how to stroke her.

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Will you teach me?

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Course. Come on.

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Babe, please, I'm really hungry.

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Meaning what? You're incapable of human thought?

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-I've got work in five minutes.

-I have got a job too, Max.

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Which is exactly why we need to sort this out

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so we can both get on with our lives.

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-You've got to do something.

-What do you mean? Like what?

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Well, I don't know. Get on to your solicitor, threaten her, something!

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Don't be silly. That's exactly what she wants.

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No, Max, it's what I want.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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You all right, Dot? Welcome back.

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Thank you.

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Oh, hello, Dot. It's lovely to see you. Come in.

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Thank you very much. Now, I'm not stopping.

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I've come to see you as a matter of priority.

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Oh, right. Come through.

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Can I take your coat?

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No, well, I don't think I'll stay for long.

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You smell that? Beautiful.

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Oi! Patience.

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Never been big on that.

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Oh, yeah?

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Now what if I told you that this was going to be the richest, darkest,

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finest piece of damn chocolate pudding you've ever tasted?

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How do you know what I've tasted?

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Oh, hello. Something tells me...

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Just teasing.

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Kim, hi.

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All right? What you looking so jumpy for?

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I haven't got a bunny up my top.

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However, I've got a couple of puppies.

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SHE LAUGHS

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-What you doing here?

-Clubbing, by the looks of it.

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Was passing by and I thought I'd drop by to tell you...

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I've got some of your stuff.

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What stuff?

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Stuff that belongs to you, like CDs...

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-Keep them.

-And other stuff as well.

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So I was thinking that, if you want to pop by later,

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I can get some wine in.

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Look, I'm working.

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Yeah, but I stay up late. You know that.

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-I'll give you two some space.

-There's no need for that.

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That'd be great, yeah.

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Look, we're not together any more, Kim.

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I know. I know that, Ray.

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But it doesn't mean that we can't be friends, does it?

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So, pop round later, glass of wine. That's what friends do, innit?

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There you go.

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I've just been saying to Tanya, I went to visit your father.

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Oh, yeah?

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He's still heartbroken. His eldest, cut down at such a tender age.

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Such a nice, generous man. Lovely manners.

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Yeah, we're all still reeling, to be honest.

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FLOORBOARDS CREAK

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Lauren, is that you? Come and say hello to your Grandma.

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Hi, Grandma.

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Lauren.

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-It's nice to see you, but I'm late.

-Late?

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Yeah. For a thing.

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Lauren?

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I'm so sorry, Dot. I'll be talking to her later.

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Well, actually, I was hoping to see her later on by myself.

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You know, time has taught me that death casts a long shadow

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and Jim has made me promise on his behalf,

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that I would take care of the whole family.

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Starting from tonight.

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You're all invited for a meal at 5.00 at mine.

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You know, Jack, Carol, children, grandchildren, everyone.

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Oh, Dot, that's a lovely gesture, but there's a lot of us though.

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Sure you've got room?

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I'm not talking about a banquet, Tanya,

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I'm talking about a family gathering at a time of crisis.

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Well, I could always sit on Jack's knee.

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I tell you what, why don't we go to the Vic for the gathering?

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-On Max, of course.

-Yeah, or a curry?

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Oh, no. Oh, no, them spices, they play havoc with my stomach.

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What's wrong with the Vic?

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Nothing.

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Good. Right, well, that's decided then.

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All right. Ooh, we mustn't forget Alice.

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And Derek's son. What's his name?

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Joey.

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Joey. It's about time I got to know him.

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-Rashid? I thought that was...

-You think it's a bad idea?

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No, no, I did not say that.

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I just think it's going to take a bit of delicate handling.

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Luckily for you, I was born with a pair of kid gloves.

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SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY

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Now, where did I put Rashid's mother's number?

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Here, Ayesha, you sure you want to do this?

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Why?

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Cos in the real world, match making don't work...

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No, scratch that, relationships don't work. End of.

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Don't you listen to her, OK.

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This isn't match making, this is finding a husband. It's different.

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OK, are we ready?

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I didn't want to say nothing in front of Max,

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seeing as he's in mourning. But now I've got you...

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-Oh, whose are those?

-That is a good question.

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And one that I would be asking your daughter

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if she'd had the courage to face me.

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Sorry, Dot. You've lost me.

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Well, yesterday was not a good day.

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Sandy had bought me one of them Sat-things, you know, so I

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didn't get lost, and she took me so many times around a roundabout

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that I had one of my dizzy turns.

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When she finally got me back on track,

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my nerves were shot to pieces and I had to stop for a cup of strong tea.

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And you know them motorway cafes,

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they don't know the meaning of the word strong.

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Sorry, what's all this got to do with Lauren?

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Well, the only thing that was getting me through

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was the thought of being back in my own home, in my own sitting room,

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sitting on my own sofa with a cup of strong tea.

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And what do I find when I open the door?

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Your daughter, sprawled on my sofa with the mystery owner of these.

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I shall never be able to look at my anti-maccasars again.

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Well, not until they've had a good wash.

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I don't know what to say, Dot.

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I know that Lauren is taking her uncle's death to heart,

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but that is no reason why such behaviour should go unchecked.

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Well, no. You're absolutely right, Dot.

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Trust me, it won't. Thank you.

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What's all that about?

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We've got a problem.

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Well, yes, of course. We understand, yeah. OK. Thank you.

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Bye-bye.

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Aunty-Ji?

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Rashid is coming over tomorrow for tea.

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That is not the reaction that I was expecting.

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Just imagine, Ayesha, you could be starting your life again.

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Imagine that.

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I think she is.

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I'm excited. Really.

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It's OK to be nervous, you know.

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No, no. I'm not nervous. It's just...

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What will I say after last time?

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And how will I know if I like him?

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How will I know if he likes me?

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Luckily for you, I am very experienced in these matters.

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Ooh, we doing advice? Excellent, grab a pen.

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A pen?

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That's what you dragged me here for?

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Dad, I don't want to go back to college.

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Lauren, it isn't a yes or a no sort of a deal.

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Pick a course, will ya?

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I thought the Max Branning dictatorship ended when I was 18.

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I've got two words for you - Dot's sofa.

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I know you're young, I appreciate all that.

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But you go around acting like nothing you do matters.

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-That's what Mum does, I don't.

-Prove it. Start taking life seriously.

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And that's it? You ain't going to yell at me, or..?

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What do you want me to do? Dock your pocket money?

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Think we're moved on from that, Lauren, don't you?

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You're an intelligent young woman. Just start acting like one.

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Oh, and we've got a family dinner in the Vic, yeah? 5 o'clock.

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Family?

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Yep. It's all right, don't panic. Joey's off the guest list.

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Ayesha does not need to worry about that particular type of man.

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What particular type? They're all that type.

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Hold on, what about the type that takes in damsels in distress?

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Good point.

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One, I'm not a damsel, two, I'm not in distress.

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And three, this isn't about you, Ian.

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Then there's Masood. He is a kind, honourable man.

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Yes, they are not all bad, but they are all emotionally backward.

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Hey, Masood happens to be highly intellectual.

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They can be saying one thing to you, you know,

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they can be going around telling the world that they love your sister

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and then they can turn around the next minute

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and they can be kissing you and no, that's no contradiction, is it?

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You're confusing the poor girl.

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Ignore her.

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OK, to simplify, and write this down,

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now when a man says something to you,

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you don't take it at face value, yeah?

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You look for the hidden meaning. All right?

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-Are you quite finished?

-I'm not even started yet.

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-Masood. Masood, tell her.

-Huh?

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Tell her that you're one of the good guys.

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What are we talking about?

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Umm, I've decided to give it another go with Rashid.

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OK.

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-Lauren's going to college?

-Yeah.

-What's so funny about that?

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You're not the only one with a brain, you know.

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How was your biology exam?

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Oh, I dunno.

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I ran out of time, but I think I answered most of the questions.

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-My knees just kept shaking.

-I'm sure you did brilliantly.

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I'm proud of the pair of you.

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I hope you're going to take this college course more seriously

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than your shift at Booty's.

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You know why I walked out. Have you phoned the hospital yet?

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Not now, Lauren.

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You got a death wish, have you?

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Shockingly, this weren't my idea.

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The whole family, is it?

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My invitation must've got lost in the post.

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You don't normally wait for an invite.

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Babe, why don't you go and sit down, I'll get the drinks in.

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Come on then, jump down.

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-Kirsty, play nice, will you? Please?

-You know me, Max.

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-Get us a large whisky, will ya?

-Everything all right?

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Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

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I'm having scampi.

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You do know scampi is fish?

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Don't be stupid. It's not is it, Mum?

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Go and ask your cousin. Here you are.

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Oh, good. I was worried I was going to be late.

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Is Joey coming?

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-Nah, he was busy.

-Typical.

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Oh, great. Does anyone else want to qualify as family?

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The Masoods? Ian Beale?

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You getting them in, Max? Whisky. Make mine a double.

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That's brilliant, I didn't know drinks were included.

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-They're not, Bianca.

-Oh, stop it and get your wallet out.

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Dot.

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THEY GREET HER

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-Ah!

-Hi, Grandma.

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Denise, wait up. You see that?

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That there is the fourth text message that she's sent me today.

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You need to tell your sister to leave me alone.

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Well, considering my sister can't stand the sight of me

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since you dumped her, I'd say the answer to that question,

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no, sorry, demand, is no.

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HE SIGHS

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All right, look, listen.

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I don't want to hurt her feelings, all right?

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But that girl's skin is thicker than an elephant.

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Oi. You watch it. My sister is as sensitive as they come.

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Exactly. I mean, you know her better than anyone, right?

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Just think about it. Save her from making a fool of herself.

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I mean, she's got to come round, right?

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-Oh, yeah, just the steak please.

-Dripping with blood, right?

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No, I'll have it well done.

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Here, isn't that my overall? Let's have a look.

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Here, look. There's that cigarette burn in my pocket.

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-What are you doing with it?

-Comes with the job, Dot.

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Job? At the launderette?

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Come on, Dot. Give me a break.

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You didn't really think Mr P was going to keep the job open

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indefinitely, did you?

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GLASS TINKLING

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Right. Quiet, please, you noisy lot.

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I'd like everyone to join me in raising their glasses.

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-It's lovely to have Dot back.

-THEY CHEER

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Where she belongs.

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Place hasn't been the same without you, Dot.

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I'm not so sure of that.

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Anyway, I'm sure that Jim would send his love, if he could.

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And I know he'd love to be here, but there we are.

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You know, he's very fond of his family.

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But anyway, thank you all for coming.

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Oh, Alice, isn't your brother joining us?

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I can call him if you like?

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Er, no, no. He said something else on, so...

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Anyway, Dot, what d'you think about Sharon joining the family?

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Think that's up to Jack to break that news, isn't it?

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Yeah, I wasn't going to tell you in such a public forum,

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but yes, me and Sharon, we're engaged.

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No! Oh, Sharon. Oh, how lovely! Oh, what a beautiful ring.

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Oh, I'm ever so pleased for you.

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Cos life hasn't been easy for you, has it? Nor for Jack.

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How's your little boy? How's Dennis?

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Oh, he's not so little any more. But he's gorgeous.

0:17:510:17:54

He's terrorising Ian tonight.

0:17:540:17:55

So you'll have to come and see him.

0:17:550:17:57

Oh, I'd love to. Or you could come to mine.

0:17:570:17:59

-Oi, you going to the bar?

-Yeah.

-You know the drill.

0:17:590:18:02

We're a bit empty here, Uncle Max. Cheers. That'd be nice.

0:18:020:18:06

Hey, Max.

0:18:070:18:08

You and Kirsty, is that a done thing or

0:18:090:18:12

we still talking present tense?

0:18:120:18:13

-Nah, nah, nah. It's all history, innit.

-Yeah?

0:18:130:18:16

So I wouldn't be knocking anyone's nose out of joint if I, you know...?

0:18:160:18:20

-No, it's all right.

-Go on. Crack on.

0:18:200:18:23

Nice one. Always like to ask.

0:18:230:18:24

You know, gentleman's code n'all that.

0:18:240:18:26

Yeah, well, thought you'd had enough of that after Kim.

0:18:260:18:29

-Eh?

-High maintenance.

0:18:290:18:30

You're early. Thought you were working...

0:18:460:18:49

Kim, wait. Kim, please, just five minutes.

0:18:490:18:53

I'm busy.

0:18:530:18:55

You look nice. What, you going out?

0:18:550:18:59

SHE SIGHS

0:18:590:19:01

OK, look. No, you're right, you're right.

0:19:010:19:04

I'm not going to patronise you by dressing this up.

0:19:050:19:09

So I'm just going to come out with it

0:19:090:19:12

because it's kinder than the alternative

0:19:120:19:15

and in the long run I hope that you'll be able to see that...

0:19:150:19:21

This is you coming out with it?

0:19:240:19:26

Ray came to see me.

0:19:260:19:28

Look, I know this is hard, but he's moved on.

0:19:280:19:33

What? To you?

0:19:340:19:36

No, of course not.

0:19:360:19:38

You're not totally deluded then.

0:19:380:19:40

You really think this is going to work, babe?

0:19:490:19:51

Trust me. This is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.

0:19:510:19:55

All right? Come on.

0:19:550:19:57

S'cuse me.

0:20:020:20:03

S'cuse me. Yeah, you.

0:20:060:20:09

Can I have another glass, please? That's got lipstick on it.

0:20:090:20:12

Did another woman get there first again?

0:20:120:20:14

You going to let her talk to me like that?

0:20:140:20:16

Babe, just ignore her, will ya?

0:20:160:20:18

-You look tired, Tanya.

-Excuse me?

-Kirsty...

0:20:180:20:20

-Did Oscar keep you up?

-Kirsty, don't do this.

0:20:200:20:23

After his bike accident, I thought he might be a bit unsettled?

0:20:230:20:27

-He's fine.

-I'm glad to hear it.

0:20:270:20:29

-Good.

-Poor little poppet.

0:20:290:20:31

Talk to me.

0:20:320:20:34

It was nothing, just a little scrape that's all. Jack was there.

0:20:340:20:37

Yeah. So was she, by all accounts. Why didn't you tell me?

0:20:370:20:40

Cos there's nothing to tell.

0:20:400:20:42

Come to think of it, why didn't Oscar tell me?

0:20:420:20:44

Babe, I got no idea.

0:20:440:20:46

-Did you tell him not to?

-Don't be stupid.

0:20:460:20:48

Did you tell our five-year-old son to cover for you?

0:20:480:20:51

-He didn't really do anything, I mean...

-Stay out of it.

0:20:510:20:53

Babe, don't be paranoid.

0:20:530:20:54

Paranoid? The woman is obsessed with you!

0:20:540:20:57

Max, you're not having another affair, are you?

0:20:570:20:59

-No, Dot, I'm not.

-Who knows?

0:20:590:21:01

Strictly speaking, she's right. You are having an affair, Max.

0:21:010:21:04

With Tanya.

0:21:040:21:06

Seeing as we're the ones married.

0:21:060:21:08

It's lovely to finally meet my mother-in-law.

0:21:090:21:12

I'm Kirsty.

0:21:140:21:16

How do you do?

0:21:160:21:17

Is everything OK?

0:21:290:21:31

Masood.

0:21:350:21:36

About Rashid. Do you really think it's a good idea?

0:21:410:21:45

Well...

0:21:480:21:49

If it's what you want and you don't feel pressurised into it...

0:21:510:21:55

You think I should wait?

0:21:550:21:57

I think you should do what makes you happy, Ayesha.

0:22:010:22:04

You know, Max, I'd have thought you'd've learnt your lesson

0:22:200:22:24

with poor dear Bradley.

0:22:240:22:25

Dot, can you just give me a chance to explain?

0:22:250:22:27

And listen to more of your lies? I don't think so.

0:22:270:22:31

-Tell her, will you?

-Tell her what? Frankly, I'm confused.

0:22:310:22:34

Me an' all, Max. Want to explain this one again?

0:22:340:22:36

I thought you said this was going to be boring.

0:22:360:22:39

Bianca!

0:22:390:22:40

It's simple. Uncle Max was getting married to Aunty Tanya again,

0:22:400:22:44

and then that lady turned up

0:22:440:22:46

and said she was already married to Uncle Max, so they had to

0:22:460:22:49

cancel the wedding and then Uncle Derek dropped down dead.

0:22:490:22:52

Shush, Tiffany!

0:22:520:22:53

What? She's right, that is, well, that is what happened.

0:22:530:22:56

No, it's not exactly what happened, thank you, Lauren.

0:22:560:22:59

Joey! You came.

0:22:590:23:02

Thought you were busy.

0:23:030:23:04

Come and sit down, the food's just got here.

0:23:040:23:07

Grandma Dot, this is my brother, Joey.

0:23:070:23:11

Your brother?

0:23:130:23:14

-Yeah.

-What, Derek's boy?

0:23:140:23:16

Yeah. Why, what's wrong?

0:23:160:23:18

But THEY are cousins.

0:23:190:23:22

Dot, can we just do this another time, yeah, please?

0:23:220:23:25

-You knew?

-Knew what? What's she talking about?

0:23:250:23:28

-Nothing, just ignore her, all right?

-Are Lauren and Joey together?

0:23:280:23:31

Lauren and Joey what?

0:23:310:23:33

Seriously?

0:23:340:23:35

Lauren and Joey what, Mum?

0:23:350:23:36

Eurrgh! That's like me kissing Abi on the mouth.

0:23:390:23:43

Morgan, stop it.

0:23:430:23:45

What, no Bible quote for this one, Dorothy?

0:23:450:23:48

It isn't about religion. It's not healthy.

0:23:480:23:51

Eww! This is awful, she's going to hate it.

0:23:590:24:02

Pops, come on, babe, all right? This is her favourite.

0:24:020:24:05

One bite of this and Mrs B is going to regret

0:24:050:24:07

staying away so long, OK?

0:24:070:24:10

Makes you wonder what Max and Tanya are playing at.

0:24:150:24:17

Make sure you brush your teeth.

0:24:170:24:19

Don't try and trick me with chewing gum.

0:24:190:24:21

It's not like it's incest. They're not breaking the law.

0:24:210:24:23

It's a bit creepy though, innit?

0:24:230:24:25

Oh, come on, you can't tell me

0:24:250:24:26

you wasn't sitting there thinking the exact same thing?

0:24:260:24:30

Do you want to take your brother upstairs?

0:24:320:24:35

I'll be up in a bit.

0:24:350:24:36

You OK?

0:24:420:24:43

They're ashamed of me, aren't they?

0:24:450:24:47

Wow, if humiliating is on a scale, then what's just happened tonight

0:24:490:24:55

is so far off it, we're on another street.

0:24:550:24:57

Babe, it'll be fine, won't it? Honestly, it'll blow over.

0:24:570:25:00

That's your response to everything, innit? Head firmly in the sand.

0:25:000:25:04

About Oscar.

0:25:080:25:09

I mean, Kirsty really was just passing when he fell off his bike.

0:25:090:25:13

It's all right. I trust you.

0:25:130:25:15

Really?

0:25:150:25:17

What did Ray want?

0:25:240:25:26

What do you mean?

0:25:260:25:27

I saw you talking to him.

0:25:270:25:29

Oh, nothing. He just fancies Kirsty.

0:25:290:25:32

Really?

0:25:320:25:34

Yeah. I told him, you know, go for it.

0:25:340:25:37

High maintenance! Can't guess who told you that.

0:25:440:25:47

You saying it's not true?

0:25:470:25:49

No. Are you saying you mind?

0:25:490:25:53

No.

0:25:530:25:54

SHE GIGGLES

0:25:540:25:56

Kim? What is it? Has he said something to you?

0:26:050:26:09

If he's upset you...

0:26:090:26:11

Oh, look, just drop dead!

0:26:110:26:12

Denise?

0:26:180:26:19

I'm not a damsel in distress, Ian.

0:26:190:26:21

Do you need to stay at mine another couple of nights?

0:26:230:26:26

Thank you.

0:26:290:26:30

What is it, Arthur?

0:26:340:26:35

We've got a bit of a surprise for you, Mrs B.

0:26:350:26:38

-What?

-Come through.

0:26:380:26:40

Oh, I knew you wouldn't like it!

0:26:470:26:50

It's only Fats...sorry, Arthur, Arthur said...

0:26:500:26:54

Well, he said Battenberg was your favourite and we tried to

0:26:540:26:57

follow the recipe, but it just, well, it didn't really work.

0:26:570:27:01

I do like it. It's just you didn't use enough jam.

0:27:010:27:05

That's all. That's the trick of it, you see.

0:27:050:27:08

Still, you've got plenty of time to learn...

0:27:080:27:13

since you're living in me house.

0:27:130:27:15

Oh, great. Bit of cake.

0:27:150:27:17

Missed half the meal

0:27:170:27:18

because Miss Hoity Toity here got on her high horse.

0:27:180:27:21

That family of yours is falling apart at the seams.

0:27:210:27:24

All you can do is sit back and make jokes.

0:27:240:27:26

-And it isn't funny.

-At least I was here.

0:27:260:27:29

You can get out! Go on, get out.

0:27:290:27:33

You've stepped into me shoes at the launderette.

0:27:330:27:35

You make a pigsty of my house, but I'm back now and I won't stand it.

0:27:350:27:38

So you've got your marching orders.

0:27:380:27:40

You can pack your bags and you can get out of my house!

0:27:400:27:44

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