21/02/2013 EastEnders

Watch out. Prefect on the prowl.

-You think I'm an idiot, yeah?

-I'm not saying nothing.

What you fail to grasp, Bianca, is that I am

but one of many idiots, OK?

I sit at the foot of an entire edifice of idiots.

So to be anything other than an idiot would be

to let down the other idiots who are depending on me.

One idiot turns sensible, the entire structure collapses,

then what have you got? Anarchy. So by agreeing to move your stall 13 centimetres to the right

you're not just submitting to the will of a petty jobsworth,

you're sustaining the entire concept of Western liberal democracy.

So you should be proud.

Talking of idiots... Morning, Dad.

It runs in the family.

Are we still on for tonight?

Yeah, I guess so.

OK, well, I'll make the arrangements

when I pop round with today's curry.

I'll get this lot out the way. Half an hour?

Yeah, yeah. Excellent.

It's a special one.

Ooh, it's a 'special one'?

-Bianca, please.

-For a special lady, no doubt.

Will you give it a rest?

-Is she blushing?

-I'm not even having this conversation.

I was just going to ask you about Kat... Will you stop it!

She's gone to visit her dad. Took Tommy or something. Having the day off.

-As long as you don't let her take the mickey.

-No, Mum.

What?

So when will he be posting something through your little letter box then, eh?

Oh, will you grow up!

Ooh!

Hi, Kat, it's me.

I've just noticed that you're not working today and...

To let you know Tommy's feeling much better,

so listen, if you fancy having him for the day, feel free.

And, you know, you're more than welcome to come and pick him up.

Um... Will you give me a ring when you get this, yeah?

SIREN SOUNDS OUTSIDE

Stop thinking about it.

What am I thinking about?

In no particular order? Alfie, me, Tommy,

divorce, guilt, shame...

Am I getting warm? You'll just drive yourself mad, girl.

I was already mad.

Mmm. Just don't wallow in it though, it's quite unattractive.

-I'm not wallowing in it.

-You need some mental discipline, Kathleen.

You need to accentuate the positive.

Dismiss - throw away - the negative.

Is that what you do, is it?

-Yeah.

-No wonder you're screwed up.

So come on then - you tell me

one positive thing I've got in my life right now.

You had an extremely nice time last night.

I was faking it.

No, you weren't. No, you weren't.

Just like that time you faked it in Spain.

All summer long. You're thinking about it again.

-Am I?

-You know, I have a theory about you.

-Do you want to hear it?

-Yeah, go on.

Deep down inside, you love all this.

-Is that right?

-Yeah. That role of the tragic drama queen.

The tears and the tantrums and the inner turmoil.

You love it. You love the crisis.

And if there isn't a crisis, you create a crisis.

-You ain't got the first idea.

-Haven't I? All right.

Let's swap your life then, for...

..who do we know who's happy? Whatever that means.

-No-one.

-Kim Fox - she's a good example.

She's fairly uncomplicated, but happy.

Her life for yours.

Just as I thought.

Just gimme five minutes.

Stop thinking about it!

Oi! Get up. Come on.

Someone's been a naughty girl.

-What have I done now?

-No, it's not you. It's Kat.

Her door's wide open this morning. Her bed's not been slept in.

-So?

-Do you not think that's a bit weird?

No, not really, Joey.

All right, you've got coffee there. Come on, get up.

What time is it?

Have a look.

-It's still the middle of the night, Joey.

-No, it's not.

Anyway, do you remember what you said to me last night?

You said I've got to get you up at 8.30 cos you've an essay to do

and if you don't do it today your tutor's going to kill you. Remember?

-I've got a headache. I'll do it later.

-Then you said if you make any excuses,

I'm going to have to drag you out of bed, OK?

So I'm going to drag you out of bed.

-You've got five seconds, all right? One...

-Don't be stupid.

-Two...

-Are you serious?

-You getting out of bed or what?

-Yeah, I am. In a minute!

-Three...

-It's cold outside.

-Four...

-No, OK!

-Go and put some clothes on, you look a state.

-Annoying!

Penny for them? You were miles away.

What do you want, Jean?

Just to say I'm taking Tommy to feed the ducks.

No-one feeds my son to any ducks, I don't care how hungry they are.

Why does he let her get to him?

Jean, that is a good question.

There you go - he's all yours.

I've got to go and sort the delivery out.

Kat, it's Alfie. Listen, you've not got back to me yet.

I don't know if you got my last message - I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.

You know, if you just ring me back maybe we could work it out, yeah?

Talk to you soon. Bye bye.

Junk... junk... rubbish.

Oh, hello.

This'll have to be sorted - and soon.

So?

So it's your father's house. It's still his responsibility.

Well, I'm not taking it over.

Oh, I see.

You'll be happy if the lecky gets cut off, will you?

Well, I went round there last time.

Well, who else is there?

Your sister's not here and I'm in my dressing gown.

Oh, come on, Abs, do it for your old nan, eh?

All you've got to do is pop it through the letter box.

'You've not got back to me yet. I don't know if you got my last message...

'I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.'

What's he saying? Is he all unhappy? Yeah? Wants to talk?

Is he sorry he's upset you?

-Leave off, will you?

-"Please come over? We can sort it out?"

Does Tommy send his love?

Will you shut up?

Don't take it out on me, darling.

You have not got the first idea what goes on between me and Alfie.

Please. Spare me. I have every idea.

You think you love him and he loves you?

But no, you don't. You're addicted to one another.

And if you both had an ounce of sense you'd seize this chance.

What chance?

Glad you asked. This chance to free yourself from each another.

Doesn't have to be nasty. Could be quite civilised.

But you won't have it like that, will you?

Cos if you don't go a day without a row or a screaming fit,

you think you're missing out.

How's that sound?

Abi?

I know. Damned delivery lorry.

And after I'd just dropped my dirty washing at the launderette.

I was just about to post this for Dad.

I'll make sure he gets it.

-Well, see you.

-Actually, I was rather hoping we could have a word.

I've been meaning to for some time.

I was on my way to sixth form.

We can't spend our whole lives avoiding each another, Abi.

Just a quick chat.

Please? I don't bite.

Thank you.

-Hiya.

-You all right, babe?

Blimey, what's all that?

Actually I've got someone with me. She wants you to have this.

You never said he was going to be here.

It's all right - Max is just going.

-Kirsty, what is this?

-Aren't you, Max?

Er, yeah, I'll go to the car lot. I'll leave you to it.

You should change out of those.

Yeah, in a minute.

You all right, Abs?

Can you just give me two minutes so I can just change out of these?

Right, they've messed up the crisps order again.

-Five cheese and onion, but no plain.

-I'll sort it when I get back.

Why? Where are you going?

Rox, I can't help it. I'm worried about Kat.

She's not turned up for work and she's not answering her phone.

-Did you not see what she did to me?

-Yeah, I know. I know, all right?

Just for my peace of mind.

I promise - I promise I won't be long, OK?

-Come on, your laptop's ready.

-Can I not just do it when I get home?

No, cos you'll only find another excuse when you get there. Sit down.

You know, you're worse than my tutor.

-What's it about anyway?

-Yeah, like you want to know.

Yeah, course I do. I might be able to give you a few tips.

A few tips.

"Brief Encounter to A Touch of Class.

"Discuss the emergence of feminism in British cinema from 1945 to 1975."

All right, feminism.

So that's once upon a time women used to do what they were told.

Now, they don't. Sorted, eh?

DOORBELL RINGS

All right, mate? Listen, I just want a quick word with Kat.

Oh, well, she'll be at work by now.

No, she's not at work. She's probably still in her pit. Just give her a shout for me, will you?

No, no, she's not here.

-Do you know where she is?

-Probably stayed at a mate's or something.

-She hasn't got any mates.

OK, doesn't matter.

-If you see her just tell her I called, yeah?

-Yeah. Yeah.

See you later.

-All right? What

-was that?

-Alfie. Alfie, looking for Kat.

If she'd been good and stuck to her marriage vows,

she wouldn't be having this trouble, would she? That's feminism for you.

-Where are you going?

-Back to bed. See you later.

Someone's looking for you.

He's just come from yours.

So he knows you didn't stay there last night.

You're being very hard on yourself, Kat.

What have you done that's so wrong?

I know you're hurting though, so...

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm there for you, you know.

I'm not going anywhere.

Thanks for trying, Michael,

but them words just don't sound right coming out of your mouth.

Fair enough.

But I have been dumped too, remember, so...

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, I said I'd meet Phil in the cafe.

-Well, off you go then.

-I forgot.

-I'll come straight back.

-Do what you want. Cos I won't be here.

Phil, you ain't seen Kat about, have you?

Nah. Explain something to me, will you.

Why do these morons want the same bit of information time and time again?

-Sorry - what?

-If I had a pound note for every time I've filled in a form for

-the flaming adoption agency, I could think about putting me feet up.

-Sorry, Phil. Can't help you, mate.

-You ain't seen Kat around at all, have you?

-No, sorry mate.

-Cheers, mate.

So, come on, what's the recipe today?

Masood's Special Chicken Jalfrezi.

Smell.

Oh, wow!

Yeah, I was thinking... It's not much of a date...

Go on.

I could give you a cookery lesson. If you fancy it?

And we could eat the results.

So what do you think?

Sorry about that. I dropped all my dirty washing at the launderette

and this is about all I had left.

Eurgh. Anyway, are we going to sit down?

I'm already late.

Oh, well. I'll try and make this quick then. The thing is...

I understand you hating me...

Abi?

-Sorry. Go on.

-Your father hasn't stopped loving you

and this situation is driving him mad.

I'm sure you're not happy about it, either.

So,

if we could just sit down, the four of us - me and your Dad,

you and your sister - and just have a normal conversation...

Well, I'm already late.

Well, I was just wondering if we could pop round after school, maybe?

Have a quick chat?

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Really? Shall we come round to the house?

Say about 4.30?

Maybe we could bring some fish and chips or something, if you like.

(Uh!)

Phil. Sorry. Sorry, I overslept. And then I had to get Scarlett to the nursery.

-I'm supposed to be in south London now.

-I know, and I'm sorry for messing you about.

What's this about, anyway? And make it quick, will you?

OK. Well, the gym's going through a bit of a thin time at the moment.

I'm not surprised if you keep sleeping in every day.

So I thought you might be able to, you know,

pass a bit of business my way.

What sort of business?

Well, our thing, you know. The dirty money that needs cleaning.

Listen, you keep me hanging around for ages and you've got the front to ask me for favours?

I prefer to see it as a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Yeah, well, I'm keeping my nose clean at the moment.

So you can keep your mutually beneficial arrangement.

What are you doing here?

Just writing an essay. Joey said that it would be all right.

-Where is he?

-He's gone back to bed.

You OK?

Kat?

-Correct, well done.

-Tam...

What do you want? The market will be up in arms if you stop me doing my job.

This'll only take a second. Come here.

-I need to know whether you two are you going to be around early evening.

-Why?

-I need the kitchen.

-What for?

-Just teaching someone how to cook.

-And who might this someone be?

-I just need to know whether you're going to be there or not.

-Now I'm really intrigued.

-You can have dinner at the cafe. I'll pay.

A woman. I bet you any money!

How did I know you'd be like this?

-I feel slightly sick.

-No, it's not like that.

So come on, who is it?

Carol Jackson.

Carol Jackson?

Again? I thought you said last night wasn't a date.

What did I say? It's not like that!

-Come on, she's a woman, you're a man. It's always like that.

-In your world, maybe.

-OK, I'm going back to resume idiot duties.

-Please. Come on, she's just a friend...

Yeah. What, Mum's been gone a fortnight.

Why'd you leave it so long?

Thanks a lot.

He knows I'm joking.

It wasn't till after she'd gone I realised I had my skirt tucked into my knickers the whole time!

-Did she see?

-She must've done.

-What, and she didn't say anything?

-No, I just rabbited on and she didn't say a word!

But the thing is, she's agreed to see us, so however ridiculous I made myself, it was worth it.

Thank you.

I've said we'll bring fish and chips so I'll see you here about 4.15, yeah?

All right, lovely.

I'll be that nervous, I don't know if I'll be able to eat.

And now he wants a divorce.

Listen, Kat, I do want to talk some more.

It's just I've really got to finish off this essay.

What's that about, then?

The emergence of feminism in post-war British Cinema.

Fat lot of good feminism's done for me.

Well, a hundred years ago you wouldn't have even been able to vote.

I don't vote. So 'so what?'

OK, 150 years ago, Alfie wouldn't be divorcing you,

cos only rich people could do that. He'd have just slung you out.

And you'd have had no rights, no comebacks, no nothing.

As it goes, you do. So don't go knocking feminism.

-Well, get you.

-My tutor's really hot on stuff like that.

She'd say that you were trapped in a patriarchal relationship.

Do me a favour.

And that you've allowed victimhood to be written into your narrative.

What does that mean?

Basically... well, you bring it on yourself.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what Michael says.

Michael?

Don't tell me you haven't guessed.

Do you think I CHOOSE to be like this.

So don't. Fight back.

Where's your dad?

I dunno. Off buying ingredients for his candlelit dinner for two.

Oh, come on. Maybe we should be pleased. At least he's not sitting around moping.

I think given the circumstances a bit of moping wouldn't be

entirely inappropriate.

Well, it can't be her. Not yet.

Well, go on, then.

Yep.

Oh, you're not wearing that cardigan?

I'm just going to learn how to cook a curry.

What's it going to look like if I arrive all glammed-up?

-Like you're interested. Which you obviously are.

-Look, I've told you before, will you stop all this?

Get changed!

Lauren, I've been thinking about what you was saying.

-And what was that?

-About fighting back.

I just wish I didn't feel so guilty.

The man's already divorcing you, Kat.

He's shacked up with some woman. In your bed.

And you're the one that feels guilty? Yes, OK.

OK, you slept with someone else. So what?

Good. At least it's one notch up from Joey's old man.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-That might be him.

-I'll get it. >

The only control Alfie has over you is the control that you give him.

So don't do it, yeah?

It's your sister.

Am I glad to see you.

-That's a first.

-I need you to get me out of here.

-Something's come up and...

-Well, something has.

Kirsty and Dad are coming round for dinner.

-What?

-Yeah. I'll explain on the way.

OK.

Kat, I'm really sorry, but I've got to go.

Don't worry about it.

I know exactly what I've got to do now. Cheers, Lauren.

What are you doing here? I told you to make yourself scarce.

Something's turned up. Or rather someone.

What are you talking about?

Hi, Dad - we've got a visitor.

Hi.

I asked you to give him an electricity bill -

not arrange a love-in.

Well, they're only coming round for some fish and chips.

Oh really? And what would your mum have to say about that?

Look, I already told you - it wasn't my idea.

They're here.

Right...

Lauren! They're here! Get down here, now!

Please Nan, don't cause a scene.

Well, well! If it isn't the Walford whippet and his mongrel mistress.

You all right, Cora? There's something about you reminds me of the Dalai Lama in prayer.

Don't know what it is.

Judas Iscariots, the lot of you. I want no part of this.

Get out my way. Go on, move.

Nothing like getting off to a good start(!)

Well, well, well. Look who it is.

I'm not stopping. I've come to get Tommy. Is Alfie here?

I'll just check. Alfie! It's here.

Can you bring Tommy through with you?

So where've you been all day, huh? When you were supposed to be looking after your own child?

No doubt you were out on the pull or something.

-I haven't come here for another fight.

-You have. Look at your face. You see that? Butter wouldn't melt.

What I do in my private life is my business.

Yeah? If your private life stayed your business, maybe.

Not now, eh.

Listen, when you get him home you might want to get him something to eat. He's a bit hungry.

-Will you stop going on like nothing's happened?

-Roxy, please stop. Just stop.

I'll bring him back at the usual time, yeah.

-So she can go out on the pull after, probably.

-I'll walk you home, Kat.

-Notice how she's not denying it.

Come on, was it someone special? Or, I don't know, first come, first served? What?

Let's just ignore it, Kat.

No, if she wants to know, I'll tell her.

It was Michael, Roxy.

Yeah, you really missed out there, didn't you, eh?

Now there's a man who really knows how to please a woman.

I might ask him to give Alfie a few tips.

You never know - might perk things up a bit for you.

I'll say something for Ian Beale - he might be a berk,

but he knows how to batter a bit of fish, don't he?

What's the point of this? I could be upstairs doing my essay.

We're just having a little chat. Getting to know each other a bit better.

Yeah. If anyone was actually chatting.

All right, Abi, who's going to mention it first?

Mention what first?

The skirt stuck in the knickers.

What's this?

You knew, didn't you?

Well, I didn't want to say anything, I was too embarrassed. I'm sorry.

What did I say? I told you she knew.

Can someone fill me in, please? What..?

You tell her, Abi.

When I saw Kirsty this morning, she'd just changed into this skirt...

My jeans had got splattered with mud.

And when she came back down...

She had her skirt tucked in her tights.

And I stood there the whole time and I didn't say anything!

I'm glad to see everyone's made themselves at home.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd