04/07/2013 EastEnders

-IAN:

-Jean!

< Get yourself out of that toilet!

-BIANCA:

-Right, she says if you put the knife down, she'll come out.

LOUD CLATTER

There you go. Enjoy your meal.

-DENISE:

-Ian! What did we say?

What did we say?

Compassion in the workplace - THAT is what we said.

Now, whatever Jean may or may not have done...

-it's not that bad.

-It's MY kitchen.

-You tried to kiss me.

-What?

-I'm in charge.

Yes, well, that doesn't actually mean you can kiss her, Ian.

You know, management-wise.

I'm just collecting for the church...

He tried to kiss me. I've got witnesses.

And I'm entitled to reject romance, whatever it says in my horoscope.

OK, I'm sure there must have been just a bit of a misunderstanding.

No, no, there wasn't. He wanted to kiss her.

-Who pulled your chain?

-Get stuffed.

-Ian?

It was for the souffle, OK?

Her first ever souffle that didn't turn out

looking like something a dog's thrown up. OK?

I was being encouraging, like you said. Like we practised.

Yes, well, we did say we were going to work on his people skills.

Oh, is that what you call it?

Well, I will not be some "bit of comfort", Ian Beale.

-I mean, it's not my fault you can't meet her demands.

-What?!

I will not be a part of some sordid love triangle,

just because YOU are inadequate.

Oh, get a grip, you dozy, middle-aged fruit-loop!

I mean, why would I fancy you? Comedy value?

The only reason you are here is out of sympathy, OK?

Because I would rather take a vow and join a monastery

than make a pass at you!

I think you might need to work on the old compassion angle

just a little bit.

Denise, I'm...

-Hold the fort, will you?

-Hold your own fort, you perv.

I'm your boss. Either hold the fort or you're fired.

-You can't do that. I can't even cook.

-You have been nothing but an interfering little troublemaker, OK?

You're fired. Get your stuff. Get out!

You're still a perv!

Sorry.

There you are.

Oh! That is, erm... That's very generous of you, sir.

Git!

Not at all, darling.

I've come into a bit of regular cash.

Well, it's nice to know some people have a conscience.

It weren't bad, that.

Bit empty, though, ain't it?

A business ain't worth nothing if you ain't doing business.

So you think telling Janine never to come back

will be the thing that gets her running back to the Square?

Yeah, admittedly when you vocalise it, it sounds rubbish.

-Yeah, it sounds mental as, mate.

-Well, they're all mental, ain't they?

Bet you 50 quid I can do it.

Look, you want to dig out Amy's travel cot, be my guest.

And if Janine does come back tonight I'll double your money.

-Will you, now?

-Yeah.

-Very good.

-Excuse me.

-Why, what have you done?

That is just rude.

Don't torture yourself, mate.

-See you later.

-See you later.

You see, I told him when he started this restaurant malarkey

that mental health issues just don't go away,

and that undue stress can make the thing a whole lot worse.

Well, Ian Beale's always been a prat.

That was the one thing me and Phil agreed on.

Anyway, he can't sack you

just because he's been caught with his pants down.

-Oh, Bee...

-Oh, no. His pants were well and truly on his bottom,

I can assure you.

-I'm not bothered.

-Has he paid you what he owes you?

I don't want to work for some old perv

who thinks kissing you's a reward, anyway.

Ian Beale's not that old. Anyway, Yeah, sorry. Course you don't.

No. Don't worry, I'll get your money back.

It's all right. It's not me you want to feel sorry for, anyway.

I'm going to have a bath.

I suppose it's not entirely Ian's fault...

I mean, he can't help what's written in the stars, can he?

It was written in the stars.

It was written in the Walford Gazette, yesterday's horoscope.

-Don't read all that rubbish.

-Exactly. That computerised jargon.

The last time I read it, it said, "Travel is imminent",

and I ended up nicked and in Suffolk the next afternoon!

You see, you can't avoid the inevitable, can you?

All those stars moving around and aligning.

You should come up on the roof and look through my telescope.

-There's bound to be an impact.

-That's not so.

"Be on the lookout for little treats.

"They could signal romance".

And Ian gave me a glass of wine.

And that was a little treat.

He called it a little treat.

No, no, I could show you. I kept the newspaper...

Oh, no, I've left my handbag in the restaurant.

-Go and get it, then.

-I can't go and get it.

I haven't told you what it says in today's horoscope, have I?

Oh!

I hate these things, they're designed by a sadist.

Look, even if Janine does come back, it ain't going to get Scarlett staying here.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast, Jack.

Well, do you see my kids running round this flat, do you?

No. No, I get it. I do. Just can't do it.

Not a stayer, mate, am I? A weekend dad.

-I'd settle for that, you see.

-Hm?

-Yeah.

See, I went for the whole family trip once.

James would be walking now, wouldn't he? Talking just like Tommy.

Yeah...

That's the thing, you see. They're messy, kids, aren't they?

They're noisy. Dependent. Mithering.

Invariably, they become attached with a horrible mother.

You did the right thing, you know? Be there at the kick-off,

get the good bit...

Keep your head down for the next 18 years.

-JEAN:

-I don't think we should be doing this.

I've wrecked my ankle.

Where's Ian?

He's probably gone to play hunt the waitress.

I thought he'd be here, didn't you?

-Jean, find some candles.

-I don't think we should be doing this.

Jean, I ain't going to go down the till. I just need a little sit down.

Don't put the light on! JEAN GASPS

You'll have half of Walford over here wanting their dinner.

No, no, no, Shirley.

Have you not been listening to a single word that I have said?

"Play with fire and you will get burnt".

That is what will happen, according to my today's horoscope.

Put a sock in it, Jean, or I will do it for you.

And that is what is going to happen, according to yours truly.

You know what, Jean? Years ago, they'd have burnt you as a witch.

Superstitious rubbish.

Jean, how are you going to find your handbag in this light?

You know what, Shirley Carter?

When I first met you, I thought you were a lesbian.

And not a very nice lesbian.

-Got any paracetamol?

-Yes, in my handbag... Oh...

How about...a lickle bit of this?

It's not working.

Why?

For me...it's...

Sorry.

So you stand me up. Subtle.

Dinner... In public? It's too fast.

I wasn't planning on pinning you down over the pasta.

You know, what public?

Who's looking?

Sam, just... Please stop.

Ain't like I don't know about cold feet, huh?

It's just...

OK. Change your mind...

..you know where I am.

I miss you.

You're in my way.

Yeah, I know.

TV BLARES

That's not boxing, is it?

That's brawling, that's what that is!

What do you reckon?

DOOR SLAMS

BOXING COMMENTARY

And now we can see.

Jean, look under the sink...

You know what, I used to have a neighbour, right,

and she always kept her handbag under the sink.

And then we just thought she was a mate of Pat's,

but Pat just told us she was just some old brass.

No, that's where I draw the line.

-What, handbags?

-No, brassering.

-What?

BIANCA SNIGGERS Brassing. You know what I mean! People that do it for money.

-Well, unless it's a LOT of money.

-I've left it at home.

I must have left it at home all along.

Oh well, never mind. Off we go, then.

Oh, Jean, why are you so loyal?

I mean, there's Kat, God love her, and then Alfie,

he's not related... And now Ian?

We're not doing any harm, Jean.

Well, we are stealing.

-How many hours did you work for Ian Beale last week?

-Erm...

And how many did he pay you for?

-Er...

-Do you know what,

Ian used to pay for IT back in the day, didn't he?

-No, he didn't!

-Yeah!

-He did. What about Janine? SHE was a brass.

-Oh, yeah.

She's had you laying clues round the house

like the Easter bunny, ain't she? Eh?

Am I hot or cold?

No? No cryptic crossword?

Billy, come on, save us all a world of pain.

I'll say you've been reticent, tell me when they're coming back.

Back? Michael, Janine ain't coming back.

You're lying. She told you to say that.

Oh, for... Why can't you two just be straight with each other for once?

She told me I'd been fired.

Now, I don't know if you know this, Michael,

but I've got a little one at home, right, relying on my money.

So by rights, I should be suing you...for...wotsit.

Unfair wotsit.

That's very moving, Billy. Back in the room, please.

HE SIGHS

Michael...

Do you want her here?

Is that why you're asking?

Because believe me, mate, you'd be saving all of us

a lot of hassle if you just tried out telling the truth.

Truth?! The woman doesn't do truth, Billy.

It brings her out in hives.

And don't ask such stupid questions.

Of course I want her back on the Square!

She's the mother of my child.

NOW he says.

-She ain't in.

-What do you mean, she ain't in?

-Where else is she going to be?

-Listen, plank-man.

If my sister says she ain't in, she ain't in - you get me?

-I get you.

-Right.

One bottle of wine? It's not going to go far, is it?

I'll make sure Denise gets it.

Oh, the door's the one with the handle on it.

Can you tell her I'm sorry?

Sorry, what was that?

Sorry for being an idiot or sorry for getting caught out?

She said, "Sorry for being an idiot or sorry for being caught out?"

Fine. You want to talk to each other, talk to each other -

see if that works out.

Oh, no, no, no, no! "Play with fire and you will get burnt",

it said it, Shirley, it clearly said it, please!

How are you going to find your handbag in the dark?

I know one place you haven't looked for your bag.

On the staff rack peg thing.

Oh!

-SHE SQUEALS

-Throw water on her!

That is not nice.

Oh, go take a pill!

You know, I've had my fill of bad boys, Ian,

that's why I ch...

I am so done with being shown up in public.

If I want to look an idiot, OK,

I can do that all by myself.

I was just trying to be a friendly manager like we said.

Don't you blame me. No, don't you dare... Did I say wink?

Since when did I say that kissing Jean was a managerial option?

I didn't kiss Jean, OK?

She was the one who slapped me. I didn't kiss her!

Ian, please! Enough with the weasel impersonation!

OK...

Let's... Let's just look at taking a break for a while. You and me.

-Ian?

-See, that's something I don't understand about Ian Beale.

I mean, how did he manage it? Flabby, cowardly Beale.

What is it, six wives?

Five, Four. Five.

Someone told me one of them was gorgeous.

Yes, well, if you have lesbian tendencies.

That was... Mel. That's right. She was. You know what, though?

He told her that Lucy had cancer to get her to marry him.

See, that's proper not nice.

Jean, more wine.

No. Oh, I don't think we have any more left, so... Oh, well!

Never mind. Off we go, then.

No. There's plenty of wine.

But this... But this is more expensive.

Shirley!

I just wanted the restaurant to be a success.

I needed it to be a success for me, you know.

My dad was always just, "Do your hours and put your feet up".

I mean, we didn't have the word "ambition" in our house.

The rows me and him used to have...

"Cooking dinner's a girl's job".

Used to go round my gran's house - my house - and just...

pour my heart out to her.

See, I always wanted to be a chef.

I always wanted to be a success...

That's what that bottle of brandy's for. That nice one.

That's when I made my first million turnover...

I was going to open it up.

I mean, because I've always been ambitious

and I've always liked money and I deserve to be a success.

And I was. Then I wasn't. Then I was...

Then I REALLY wasn't, was I?

And then there was you...

It's all right, I'm not blind... I don't work out or anything.

-Really(?)

-Really.

Denise, I've known this was going to happen for ages...

I mean, Alfie's always been saying to me

that I was punching above my weight

-and you were out of my league.

-Oh...

Well, talks a lot of sense, that Alfie.

But you were the start.

You were the one who really got me back on my feet.

I mean, because I just thought that if...

Well, then anything was possible, wasn't it? Not just the bad stuff.

I'll apologise to Jean, even though she overreacted.

Thank you.

Ian...

That's it.

Break's over.

Just...

..stop being such an unpleasant little pranny, will you?

I promise... I'll try.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I've changed my mind.

-What?

-Shh! Or I'll change it back again.

Yes, miss.

Urgh! I said, if you want to open that bottle,

you have to go through me first.

THEY LAUGH

It is not funny. I'm being serious!

Look, enough is enough, yeah?

That's Ian's very special brandy.

"Ian's very special brandy!"

It's not Ian that's got the crush, is it, eh, Jean?

I think it's the other way round.

Shirley Carter! You are a being a...drunken bully!

Now... Please, stop being a bully!

All right, ladies, come on. Enough's enough. Let's call it a night, eh?

-I don't even know how I ended up here in the first place...

-ME!

Me.

It's not Ian Beale that lives in one room in a bed and breakfast,

is it, eh, Jean?

It's not Ian Beale that gets up every morning to a different

wonky breakfast table in a room full of strangers, is it, eh, Jean?

I don't think that's got anything to do with this...

It's not Ian Beale that falls asleep listening

from the room next door, God knows who, doing God knows what.

-Is it, eh, Jean?

-Well, it's hardly Ian's fault, is it?

Yes.

Yes, it is...

..because he knew.

He knew...and he stood back.

And he watched his brother go off the rails.

And he knew and he did nothing about it!

-Ben?

-Who told you that?

All makes sense now. All makes sense.

He knew and he watched Ben walk about guilty, and he did nothing.

And he made me look like a mug, Jean.

You actually KNOW this?

Then when it all comes out, poor little Ian Beale has a breakdown...

Why do you think he had the breakdown, eh, Jean?

And he walks about with a little woolly hat on for half an hour,

and then forgets about it!

And do you know what?

He lands on his feet... Again!

And it's me - it's me stuck in one room in a B&B, potless.

And what about Hev? She deserved a better life than that.

Hev should be here, Jean.

He don't deserve any of this.

You know what... I think...

..you should open that rotten brandy!

I am going to open that rotten brandy!

You know what, Jean? You might have left it at home,

I done that once with Morgan.

-Oh! Is this it?

-Yes! My bag!

THEY CHEER

Always put your handbag in the bin!

I only put rubbish in my bin.

-Do you?

-LOUD CRASH

Well, it was always going to be a long shot,

this bluff and double bluff stuff.

What is it with you and that cleaning at 11.10 at night?

It's weirding me out.

Well, Janine's got cash coming out her ears, ain't she?

You say insomnia, I say it's a weird troubled mind.

Sinister, rubber glove, fetish-type deal.

Of all the places in the world,

why's Janine going to come back here, eh?

Because she can't help herself.

Can you bring her in?

RECORDING: 'Don't ask such stupid questions.

'Of course I want her back on the Square. 'She's the mother of my child.'

-Told you.

-You're forgiven.

So, I haven't lost my job?

Listen carefully, Billy.

You had lost your job, and now you haven't lost your job.

Thank you.

Later.

ALL SCREAM

Oh, get a grip, will you, Jean?

COUGHING

Oh, Shirl, I thought you said not to turn the light on...

I can't get caught in here!

-Leave your keys.

-I don't know where I've left the keys.

And anyway, we can't leave it like this.

Then you stay and clean up and explain,

but don't call us as witnesses!

It's not that bad.

There's not that much damage, is there?

THEY SCREAM

THEY LAUGH

JEAN WAILS

FIRE ALARM TRILLS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd