26/09/2013 EastEnders

You can borrow my lucky shirt if you want.

I want to have fun with her, I don't want to blind her.

All right. Which one would you choose? Definitely that one.

This one? OK.

Very funny. Don't blame me when your big date goes belly up.

Well, it's not a big date, it's just we've got the place to ourselves for once. Ooh, way to go, bro!

A4?

A4 what? A4 paper.

Oh. Just there.

The vicar says if I do my report on A4, then he can photocopy it,

and spread his sheets.

What report thing?

It's the parish council committee.

They require a report on my financial progress as to my fund raising.

And a bottle of sweet sherry, please.

Pen.

Black pen.

Just there. Is this alcohol free? It is, yeah.

Ta.

Do you want a drink?

No, I'm fine.

OK.

Cos there's juice.

Or fizzy water?

I'm good. Good.

I don't know why you're being so cagey, it's not like it's your first date, you're a free man now.

OK, can you just back off and let me do my own thing?

Tam, back me up here. Possibly.

He should be more honest with himself. Probably.

Can we just stop the open debate, please? Preferably.

I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying you're going to a lot of effort

just for a "quiet night in". Are you sure that's all it is?

Remember, bro - seize the day, no regrets.

MASOOD SIGHS

Dot, hold on a second. You left your shopping behind.

Oh, mind like a sieve.

Look, I can't do anything now but if you like I can come over tomorrow and help with that report.

Oh, it's fine. It's nothing. I've told you before, if you need help, you have to ask for it.

Tell those church people it's too much.

Oh, no, it's not. It's just a question of adding up what's come in and what's gone out.

I mean, even I can manage something like that. Thank you, Carol.

We could go back to mine and finish what we started? I'm not sure I'm free...

This is guaranteed to impress. If you're a cat on heat.

Whoa, that is nasty, man! Who died?

It was just an idea. It doesn't matter. I should go.

Hey, so you two, you're with me and Pops tonight, right?

I can't, I've got to babysit Kamil.

No, Tam, you're fine. AJ, you're on duty.

Whoa...?

You're the only one not coupled up. We, we are all off out...

See, I like your work, Mr Mas. See, bruv, all sorted, man.

OK, so I'll see you later, then. If you want to.

I'm being stitched up here. No-one said anything about baby-sitting.

Like you said. Seize the day.

Bye. Bye.

Oh! Wow.

You look... That's... I got these for you.

Thank you.

Something smells good. Yeah, it's lamb.

Lovely. Slow-cooked.

Best way.

So the kids all upstairs, are they?

No, they're all out. And Whit's under orders.

Right! So, we are finally alone.

Finally!

Look at us.

Mm, look at us!

We, um, could skip dinner.

We could...

And go for the little naughty surprise I've got planned upstairs...

What naughty surprise is that, then? If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

ALARM BEEPS

Ooh, got to put the potatoes in.

Yeah...good.

Potatoes...

HE SIGHS

It's like he tightens up every time I touch him.

But I thought you two were all sorted?

Yeah, so did I!

After the way he kissed me the other night,

I thought we were going to, like... you know.

It's like he's not even bothered.

I dunno. Maybe he just needs a little bit more time.

It's obvious he really likes you.

Exactly - "likes" me like a friend, likes me.

What, he said that?

He doesn't need to, the way he is with me says it all.

That's fine. We can just be friends. Really, it's fine.

It's better than nothing, isn't it?

Hi, Dot. Hello. Come in, darling.

Ian said Denise was OK to have him but all of a sudden she's busy.

Well, I'm busy too.

Joey's called in sick. I've got two hen parties in there. I'm behind already.

I need to go over there and sort out some cover. I'll only be a couple of hours.

I didn't know who else to ask, Dot, so do you mind? Please? No, of course not.

You're a diamond. I'd be stuffed without you.

Now, he's had nothing to eat but he's fine with something simple, baked beans on toast.

Oh, and no butter. Olive oil spread if you've got it.

And here's his juice.

No sugary drinks or he'll be bouncing off the ceilings all night.

No butter, no sugary drinks.

Now you be a good boy for Dot. Mummy'll see you later.

Dot, shall I take a spare key, in case I get held up and I'm late?

I can let myself in, save ringing the door bell.

Oh, thanks again, you're a star. See you later.

Let's hang your coat up, shall we?

20 quid. Bruvver, it's never going to happen.

We can't disappoint the ladies, can we?

Tam... You know this is a bad idea. Me and kids, please.

I'm pretty sure Alice wouldn't mind... No, no, no. No way.

This is our night. OK?

OK, well, look, I'm issuing a disclaimer - I am not responsible for anything that happens tonight.

You've just got to feed him and put him to bed.

Feed him? No-one said anything about feeding.

And make sure you take him to the toilet before you put him to bed.

What? And wash your hands afterwards, bruv, after you've wiped him clean and that.

FATS LAUGHS

Come on, bruv.

TOY BEEPS

TOY BEEPS

Garlic olives? You're taking a bit of a risk, aren't you?

If we're both eating them, then nope. Is that right?

Mm! And now for the Minute Mart's finest alcohol-free.

You don't have to not drink because of me.

I know. I'm sure I can do without alcohol for one night.

Enough.

Mm.

Ooh! Cheeky little number.

The wine or me? Let's find out. Come here.

You're right about the garlic.

I didn't want to watch a PG! It's the only film that we could watch.

What are you doing back?

I'm so sorry, I did tell 'em we had to stay out but he kicked off and then he started sulking

because we couldn't afford popcorn. You promised me.

It's disgusting!

I wasn't going to sit around and watch a poxy 3-D kid film, was I?

You've just got the hump cos Cindy wouldn't go with ya. We had a deal!

Sorry, blame sulky face.

Oh, hilarious(!)

You're pathetic, do you know that?

CHILDREN ARGUE IN NEXT ROOM

There she is, my gorgeous girl. Come here. Come here.

Hello.

THEY KISS NOISILY

So drinks, yeah? Vodka coke, please. Good times.

Hi. Hi.

So you didn't get stuck looking after Kamil, then?

Er, no...

Right, we do not leave here until we get them fully sorted.

Sorted?

Sorted.

Ohhhh, sorted!

HE GIGGLES

Here y'are.

I hate cheese on toast.

That's special Welsh cheese, it's what my Auntie Gwen used to give me

when I was a little girl in Wales.

Looks yuk. There's little children starving in Africa. So?

So little boys should be grateful for what they're given.

I hate cheese.

Look, I'm sorry, Dennis,

but I want to see that plate clean before you get down from the table.

Yeah sulking, that's real big of you, Liam, ain't it? Oh, do one.

Are you really this immature? Me?

That is enough! Can you just all sit and watch a DVD or something?

Give me the bleeper. I shotgunned it. Morgan.

Sorry. Doesn't matter.

This was supposed to be our night. I'm fine.

You can go if you want. Why would I want to do that?

Oh, I don't know, maybe the mood has gone.

I'm not going anywhere.

Nan, Tiff's watching Honey Boo Boo again!

Let me just go and get them sorted. And then it'll be just us, I promise.

So what're we doing again?

So the person who blows the last card off the bottle has to drink.

Cherry Zesta? Yes, baby. Zesta Fiesta!

So, it's a drinking game, but I don't drink...so...

Yeah, but it's not all about the drinking, you know,

it depends what cards fall, like a jack and an ace means something different...

It's all like, forfeits and stuff...

Yeah, right, so whatever card lands face up, then that means different stuff.

Like what?

It means...different things. But tell you what, let's play.

It'll be a laugh. OK. Who goes first?

Well, A for Alice...

Oh, yeah? I'll go then. OK.

They're not moving.

Blow harder, darling.

Yeah, but not too hard, all right, you only want to move a couple.

You've got to get under the...

Oh... Oh...

Whoa.... Come on!

King! King!

That means you've got to kiss the person to the left... Right!

Right! To the right! Of course it does. It's just a kiss. No biggie.

What evs. Just a little kiss.

Oooh... So, come on, Pops, baby, your go. Get to blowing.

FATS CACKLES

I'm good at maths. Good.

One five is five. Two fives are ten.

Three fives are 15, four fives are 20, five fives are 25...

Yes, you're very good but I need a bit of quiet.

Six fives are 30, seven fives are 35, eight fives are 40,

nine fives are 45, ten fives are 50... I can do it really fast, too.

Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45!

Look, you are a very clever boy but the vicar is waiting on my calculations.

Mum says I should practise them.

Mum said you weren't allowed to smoke around me.

One six is six, two sixes are 12. Three sixes are 18...

Fish fingers? Yeah. Well, you're lucky you're getting anything.

What you having? Lamb. You're having lamb?

Listen, go in and watch TV, I'll bring it in, just stay there.

What kind of lamb is it? Oi. Get your beak out of it. Don't you dare make a fuss.

I'm really sorry. Oh, don't be.

We always get frozen food. Why can't we have lamb? Because we can't afford it.

Oh, but you can afford it for him?

Excuse me...? All right. All right. OK... Maybe we could eat together.

No, we can't! If it makes things easier. Yeah, but it's our night!

If - if we all eat together, then you all disappear,

you go to your rooms, you text your friends, you update your thingys

and watch iPlayer - then me and your nan, we get some free time.

There's not enough food for all of us. I can help, we can make it enough.

Do we have a deal?

Ah! And you do the washing up

and you make sure everyone knows the score.

I hold you responsible. Right?

Deal.

Right.

Now, let's have a look at this lamb, shall we?

So, I've been through the fridge, we've got leftover daal...

There's some sort of kebab thingy, it's Fatboy's.

More beer, but oi, that's mine, that's a done deal. What am I doing?!

So, we've got some sort of juice, squash-type thing. How do you take it? Glass? Bottle? Pint? What?

You've got to give me something. This has got to be a two-way thing here.

Yeah. Right, OK. What would Masood do? Funny voice?

Hmm? Hmm? Does Kammy want his din-din now?

No, that's Frank Spencer. OK.

You know what? We can do this.

It's just a boy's night in.

It's just - yeah, I'd like to order a takeaway, please.

That's it, girl!

This is foul.

Well, you shouldn't blow so hard, baby!

All right! It's all about the lips, OK? It's about control.

So, Tam, you ready to blow, bro?

All about control. Control.

It's Mr Tam, stepping up to blow...

You going to be quiet and let me do this?

He's going on like the big bad wolf, as he huffs and he puffs.

And he huffs and he puffs. He huffs and he puffs...

Not by the hairs on his chinny chin chin. There isn't any hair on my...

Come on. Just blow. Really? I didn't know that.

Come on, stop being such a wuss. Get on with it!

Come on, Tam, come on...

Oh... Oh..!

Come on, Tam - whole pack!

Epic fail.

That is a big, big forfeit, right?

That is full-on, full-on hug and snog. Oh!

How are we supposed to know what the rules are when you just keep changing them?

You trying to say we're making this up or something?

Oh, I don't know, Fats.

It's fine, we don't have to.

No, no, no. No, no, no! OK, the rules are the rules.

So let's just get it done, shall we?

OK?

OK, we've got 20 seconds and...go.

19, 18, 17, 16...

Come on man, stop with the time wasting... Red card! Come on!

..15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ten,

nine, eight, seven, six... Tam the man!

Easy, baby! Five, four, three, two, one...

Time! Time...?

Or not. Baby, they're having a real good time. Oh, baby!

Right. OK, clear, clear, that is the deal.

Can I have seconds?

Oh, darling, we haven't got any more. His first curry.

Can we have some thank yous for Mas, please?

Thank you. Thanks for sharing your lamb with us.

Well, I'm glad you liked it.

Lamb is my favourite meat. Is it? Yeah, because it's cute and yummy.

OK, right, we want washing up, drying up and everything put away.

Thanks again, Mas.

The living room is out of bounds for the rest of the evening.

Tell you what, I've got a better idea.

Me and Liam'll go and watch a late night film. Not a PG, though.

Well, make sure you put Tiff and Morgan to bed first, OK? Then do whatever you like.

And I don't want to hear another peep out of any of you. OK?

Pudding.

Shotgun drying.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No-one there? No. Probably one of those computer things.

Mm. Could tonight have gone any worse?

Oh, don't worry about it.

They're kids. They cause chaos, be more worrying if they didn't.

Hey, you know, maybe we could pick up where we were before they got back. And where was that exactly?

I don't know... Maybe it was here?

Mmm. Yeah, might have been. It could've been here?

Yeah, could've been... Or here?

Yeah. That was it. Thanks.

For what?

For being you.

You stink of smoke.

And you should learn to be polite.

You're really old.

Why don't you go and watch some television?

How old are you?

I'm as old as my hair and a bit older than my teeth. That's stupid.

Little boys shouldn't be so rude. I'm not a little boy.

Why don't you behave better? Why don't you behave like Jesus?

I don't believe in Jesus... Or God. Oh, that's enough of that.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Don't touch that.

What do you think you're doing?! Look what you've done!

You naughty, naughty boy! What do you think the vicar's going to say?!

Ready? One, two, three.

Ahhh!

You going to have yours?

It's nothing personal, it's not just you, it's all you...little people.

My ex-wife... Your Auntie Aliyah. She wanted one like you.

She really wanted kids.

Then I got scared... I can't even take care of myself,

let alone be responsible for someone else.

Being a dad...

I'd love it.

I really would. I'd mess it up.

HE SIGHS

You know, that's what scares me about being a dad. Getting it wrong.

This is top secret, between me and you... Yeah? You swear?

Give me your little finger.

Hmm?

OK. You can call me Chacha...

Chacha.

If you let me explain, Sharon...

I asked you to look after him, not abuse him.

Look, he deliberately poured my sherry over my papers.

You've been drinking? Oh, only the one.

Did you pour that sherry on purpose, Denny? No.

I'm afraid he ain't telling the truth, Sharon.

So now my son's a liar? He's been playing me up all evening!

Don't ever shout at him again. You keep away from him.

Come on, baby.

Right brother, big night.

Don't wait up for me, OK?

Babe, more than friends. 100%.

Come on my little Poppidi-poppidi-pops, come on, girl.

Squeeze me, squeeze me!

Look, I should actually go as well, cos um,

I've got to go and rescue AJ.

You don't have to.

We could get our own pack of cards, and carry on the game back at mine.

It's, um, been a fun night, but...

What's your problem?

Alice...

No, seriously.

It's fine to kiss me during the game

and then...

We're just going round and round in circles.

If you don't fancy me, can you just have the courage to tell me?

Your surprise is ready.

Oh, really? You think I'm going to be lured up there?

Not bothered.

Oh really...? Come here.

SHE GIGGLES

KNOCK AT DOOR

Unless someone's lost a limb or the house is on fire,

I do not want to know. What are you doing out of bed?

I can't sleep. Well, just go back up and get snuggled in, it's past your bedtime.

You know I'll come and check on you in a bit.

I want Mas to read to me. Mas is a bit busy, darling.

Please. Oh... Five minutes.

Erm... Leave one of those for me.

Alice... Please.

Of course I like you.

Then why do you close up every time we get a bit closer?

What is it?

You've been married, you're hardly a virgin, are you? No...

Then what is it? Do you just want us to be friends? Is that it?

Yeah, I want us to be friends.

OK, fine, whatever.

I want us to be friends but I want us to be more than friends as well.

Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.

Do you not find me attractive? I think you're beautiful.

Then what is it?

It's me...

It's me.

What if you don't like me like that?

I just want to be with you, it'll be fine.

So you're happy being in bed with some scarred freak.

What? Is that what this is about?

Do you honestly think I'd be worried about something like that?

I worry, though, that's the point.

I look disgusting, it's horrible.

No, no, please, please don't say that.

You're you, and you're so amazing.

I want us to be together.

I'm not judging you.

Just like you're not judging me. Yeah, but you're perfect.

You think so? You haven't seen my feet.

SHE GIGGLES

Tamwar, I want you exactly as you are. Every part of you.

Five, four, three, two, one. Go.

Go! Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah! Cleaning up - done!

Playtime! Come here, you. I've got you, haven't I?!

What else do you want to play with? Just that one?

I want to play with that one. This one?

I want to play with this one! No!

But it's mine!

Innit?!

THEY LAUGH

It's OK.

He settled down all right?

Out like a light.

The magic Mas touch saves the day again.

Oh, I've got the magic touch, have I?

THEY SIGH

So. It's not quite how we planned it, is it?

No. Still perfect, though.

It's always perfect when I'm with you.

No, really. I mean it. You and me. We're good together, aren't we?

Yeah. We're not bad.

I was expecting a romantic night but all this, the chaos...

Noise... Doors slamming.

All that. That's all part of it.

Part of...why you're so beautiful.

Why it's so right.

Carol...

I think I...

DOORBELL RINGS

What?

I...

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

Oh! I'm so sorry.

This better be important. Yeah.

Carol.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd