28/01/2014 EastEnders

BOTTLES CLINKING

LAUGHTER DOWNSTAIRS

-What is it?

-Shh! (There's someone downstairs.)

BOTTLES CLINKING

No. D-d-d... Let's get Dad.

Oi! Police are on their way, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Oh...

"Let's get Dad!"

-Go on, Nance, protecting the family.

-Someone's got to, ain't they?

No, I like it. I like it. Good girl.

Do you know what time it is?

Shut up! Don't wake your mother up.

Tell me you ain't spent all of it.

What?

(Are you awake?)

Yeah.

Here you are.

I got you a bit of breakfast.

I don't need you to look after me, David.

It's a boiled egg and a bit of toast.

Right, you need to make up with Terry.

And I'm going to nip out and get Morgan some trainers before my shift.

I'm going to have a quick shower.

-I get it, Carol.

-Oh, you do, do you?

-You're scared about next week.

-Oh, you think I don't know that(?)

PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Hello?

CLEARS THROAT

Those parrots are freaking me out.

-I knew you'd get it!

-Ten grand!

-I swear their eyes are following me.

-It'll sort out the rising damp.

-Sharon won't know what's hit her!

-Be able to get anything we need now.

We won't need bouncers, that's for sure.

I told you, didn't I? Told you your dad would get it.

No, no, it was all Shirley.

Just like the whole dog pie thing? Oh, it was lamb, by the way.

So we ain't been closed down, thanks for asking(!)

You could thank her.

Mick likes his bacon crispy.

Oh, L, L, you're giving me a headache.

Your headache's got nothing to do with me.

"Just a quick drink," you said.

-It was a quick drink.

-Followed by another. And another.

-I think I'm going to be sick.

-You want to think again, love.

-YOU were meant to be working.

-It's all right. Just a burp.

Johnny had to cover for you.

-It really weren't a problem.

-That ain't the point.

If she's on the rota, she's on the rota.

Oh, rota! Caff!

You don't just get to decide when to turn up.

-You not eating?

-I'm not hungry.

-No offence,

but is it YOUR name above the door?

MUSIC ON RADIO: "Forever" by HAIM

What?

Right, time to go and watch a bit more of my soul die.

Come on, Tam. Wagwan, man? It can't be that bad?

He thinks I don't know what I'm doing. I mean,

I've been doing this for months -

more months than it's healthy to hold a clipboard all day.

Yesterday, he told me to go and make him

a cup of tea with five sugars in it.

And I checked my job description

and nowhere does it say anything about hot beverages.

It doesn't say on my ID badge, "Tamwar, fetcher of tea".

I can't wait to leave.

-At least you've got a job, man.

-Yep.

Do you reckon there's enough in the uni fund to tell him where to go?

Well, you know what I think?

What I think is that to be a better employee you should turn up early.

And then maybe you won't go on the tea run and he won't ask

you for, like, bacon sandwich and chips as well, you know.

So my advice would definitely be... be early.

Great. Thank you for your invaluable advice(!)

I'll see you at lunchtime. I'll be the one without a soul.

HE SIGHS

LETTER DROPS THROUGH LETTER BOX

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Hiya. Don't tell me - Terry. "Big and bald," my sister said.

The very one. And as you don't look like a Robbie, you must be Sonia.

Yeah. Is my mum in? It's my day off, I thought I'd surprise her.

No, she's not, sorry. In fact I shouldn't be here myself.

I'm just picking dresses up for your sister.

-Is she at the caff?

-No, she's popped out. You all right, Sonia?

-David.

-Are you still playing the trumpet?

-Are you still playing the field?

TERRY CHUCKLES

My kids are going to love you.

Nice to see you're making friends.

Yeah, I like your daughter.

-He ain't my dad.

-Oh, yeah, I knew that. What an idiot. Sorry.

And before you say anything about me "being a father to her"...

David, I'm sorry about what I said.

I kicked off at him a bit last week.

He has that effect on people, I wouldn't worry.

Yeah, well, maybe I did cross the line a bit, Terry.

Ooh, is that you apologising, David(?)

-Don't sound so surprised.

-I'd better get these back to your sister,

-otherwise she'll think I'm trying them on. Again.

-All right.

Nice to meet you, Sonia.

-Yeah. Yeah, and you.

-See ya later. Bye, David.

-See ya.

-Bye.

He seems like a nice guy.

Ain't he just? I've got to get to work.

-Where's Mum?

-I don't know, Sonia. She woke up in a bad mood.

She's off to buy trainers for Morgan,

or bread rolls or something. I dunno.

That is Mum's problem - she doesn't know when to stop. I've got

a day off. I thought I could do a bit of cleaning or a bit of cooking.

-What do you think?

-Have you got the WHOLE day off?

Yesterday - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you had to do that.

You already asked him. I was just the courier.

What happened up there, Shirl, with you and him?

What am I supposed to do if you won't tell me?

Are you going to bottle up?

-Go easy on her.

-She missed a shift!

-She got us the dough.

-Yeah, which she's drunk half of already.

You need to go and get the car.

If you can remember where you left it.

You know what would really cure my hangover?

SHE CHUCKLES

Pedigree dog woman. Says she can come this afternoon.

Hello? Yeah, this is Linda Carter.

DOOR OPENING

You got my message then?

Morning.

That Masood's new look, is it? Suits him.

Um, no, he's just ill today.

Throwing a sickie, is he?

Uh...

Me and Carol, we're living over there in that house, it's...

Well it gets so busy, you know?

DOOR OPENS

All done?

Yeah. Running like clockwork.

Ta. Thanks. Hang on a sec.

Ta. Sweet.

It, er, yeah, gets really busy, Nikki, you know. It's quite hard.

Relationships. It's why I don't go in for them any more.

No?

Free and easy. No strings.

I need your help, Nikki.

She don't mean half of it. She just gets carried away.

Why do you always defend her...

..even when she wants you to be something that you're not?

She won't even accept you for who you are. But still...

still you defend her.

Yeah, she's my mum, ain't she?

Yeah, but that's not what I'm saying.

Like I said, she just gets carried away.

It don't matter what happens between us. She's my mum.

Finished your round already?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Look, whoever you are,

you can't just keep calling and then not saying anything...

Oh... No, sorry, she's not in at the moment.

Do you want me to take a message?

They've changed patches. You know, swapped them.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I asked them to, so I could get some overtime.

-So everything's OK?

-Yeah. Everything's fine.

And all that stuff with the gambling and all that, it's all finished?

Yeah. Clean as a whistle.

Good. Good.

Excellent. Good. Yeah, nice.

So... So, what is this?

You know my dad was the same?

You know, lie upon lie.

-Yeah, all right.

-I've seen this, Mr Mas.

-OK.

-Then cut me some slack, will you?

-Fix up then.

-I am!

Cos you know what I've got to do if you don't.

I said... I promised I would sort this out for Tam.

-So, you've put his money back then, yeah?

-I said I would, didn't I?

That's why - the gambling and the overtime.

OK, so there's more than just a few bits of paper

and a handful of change in there?

OK, all right.

You know what?

You have really got to trust me, you know?

And why do I have to do that?

Because I need you to. Like... Like your dad did,

you know, when he was having it hard.

I just need to feel that someone actually has a bit of faith in me.

Come on, Fatboy.

Please?

(All right.)

Nah, you're having a bubble?

I read it in one of my magazines.

You've got to stop boy dogs from doing their...

When you've finished that, are you going to take the rubbish out?

One shift, Linda. I missed one shift.

-She looks so cute!

-You take her out then.

Wearing them?

We can't breed her if she's already up the duff, can we?

You're taking the mick.

Come on, Di. Good girl.

I bet that ain't what you pictured when you fiddled the place off Phil.

At least I ain't pulling pints in an 'airdresser's.

Sorry, just when you think you've seen everything.

Not that I've seen everything, or not really seen much.

Sheltered upbringing. Is that what people are doing now with dogs?

No, it's my mum. She wants to breed her.

Well, I guess that'll get the boy dogs going.

I just cannot remember where I left that haddock!

I don't really like haddock. Or is it kippers?

He's talking about his car.

-Oh.

-What's this, a wind-up?

-No, unfortunately.

-Tel, are you having that?

I've already told your dog about stealing my pants!

It's Mum's idea. No unauthorised access.

Oh, better get you a pair then, hadn't I?

Oh...

TRAMP WHINES

Abi!

Lauren!

TRAMP BARKS

No. No. No way.

You think I'm going to take you out for a walk?

You must have gone mad.

What, so I can stand there while you do your doggy business?

No. Walkies' off.

I'm sorry, I got held up.

Have you seen them samba drummers at Pride?

That's my head.

MUSIC IN CAFF: "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell

Are you all right, Mum?

Don't worry, I've seen David.

TV ON IN BACKGROUND

DOOR OPENING

What are you doing?

Hair of the dog?

Pedigree dog? Dog in a pie?

I'd rather have some chips.

Chip-shop chips?

I'll get my coat.

That was my escape fund.

That was going to get me out of here.

I know, I know, I know.

-And you just thought you'd steal it and replace it with that?

-I know.

I thought you were my mate, yeah.

-"Bro".

-I am, man. Come on.

That's months and months of saving, Fats. It's gone!

I've got to tell you something and you ain't going to like it,

-but I've got to tell you.

-Go on, then. Tell me.

Uh, has, er...

-Yeah.

-..something...?

-My uni fund's gone.

I'm really disappointed in you.

You come into our house as a guest...

What?!

You think I stole your money? Is that what you think, bruv?

-You think I stole your money?

-What other explanation is there, eh?

You know what, I didn't touch this money, all right?

I did not steal this money, all right? I...

You know, I, er... I borrowed it, OK?

There was... There was cash-flow problems and, er, work and...

OK then.

-You didn't think you could just come and talk to me?

-Yeah, you know what?

Talking ain't that easy sometimes, eh?

Yeah, I think you should probably move out.

-Well I don't think that's necessary, Tam.

-No?

-No.

I mean, he's not really a thief, but...

Taking without consent. I think you'll find that's theft.

And he's a liar. And I don't want to live with a liar.

No, you know what? You're right, bruv.

-No-one wants to live with a liar.

-No.

-No, no-one.

Eh, Mr Mas?

No? Was he stuck in there the entire flight?

Yeah, the whole time. There was nothing we could do.

-How did he get out?

-Hello, Carol.

-Wotcher.

-You need to go.

-Carol?

-David's asked me to...

-No, no, no, just go.

I'll see you later.

Yeah. Sorry, Nikki.

I was making her a cup of tea.

I come back here, and find you with that woman in my house.

You always think the worst of me, don't you?

Well, doesn't take you long to get bored, does it?

Oh, is that what this is? Me being bored?

Right, so what was she doing here? Was she buying another car?

I don't think I want to tell you now.

What, like you didn't want to tell me about Sonia?

You just can't keep interfering David!

I wanted to surprise you, all right? Give you a break.

What bit of "normal" do you not understand?

Or is it cos you don't do normal, cos you're the great David Wicks?

I can't win with you, can I?

This isn't about winning. This isn't about a competition.

I know it's not a competition!

Look, seeing my dad yesterday, all right?

Everybody running round after him with medicine, drink, food.

Taking him to the toilet. I don't want to be like that.

I've got cancer, David. Not you, not Bianca, not Sonia. But me.

I don't want to be your precious little thing,

all wrapped up in cotton wool.

Right, I want to do this myself. My way.

And I'll be there for you, I will. When you want me

and when you don't want me, I'll be there -

standing by your side.

So I guess you won't want these then?

Nikki swung us some flights to Paris.

I packed your bag and everything.

I found your passport. Don't think much of your photo but...

Did you, um... Did you have a look at the date?

The date?

The expiry date.

-Sorry.

-Oh, flippin' heck!

Don't laugh.

I'm sorry!

Sharon, I hear you're turning it into a bar.

Oh, word gets round!

Yeah. It'll be lovely as a bar.

Not a salon.

Yeah, well, life goes on, eh?

I suppose you might need some new staff then?

You know, maybe some young, well turned out, lovely nails...

Not yet, Poppy. Sorry.

-Sharon?

-Yeah?

Um, Dot's son, Nick.

What about him?

Nothing. I just saw a photo of him, you know.

It made me think. She never really talks about him, does she?

Well, he, um... He had a problem with drugs.

He'd do anything to get money out of her.

Broke her heart with his lies.

She always took him back though. Catch you later.

Do you ever think about Zsa Zsa?

Where the dooby-doo's that come from?

Do you miss her?

I have called her, you know. She does know we're here.

She don't want to know.

Let's be honest. She hates my guts.

Is this about Dad? Has he said something about me?

It's not about Dad.

Has he said something about Mum?

Nothing that he hasn't said before.

Did he mention Aunt Babe?

Why? What's she done?

I don't know. But he was really funny about her.

Do you keep in touch with her?

No, I ain't seen her in years.

-Shall we call her?

-No.

-Go see her?

-No.

-Come on, the family'd be back together again.

She'll only talk about Mum.

But that'd be nice.

I said no, Tina. And I don't want any more surprises.

Is that what this is about then, yeah?

-Are you worrying about Aunt Babe?

-I was just asking.

Me and Zsa Zsa.

I just got off my head and watched while she brought herself up.

And wherever she is right now, I wish her well.

But the past is the past, yeah.

And this is my family, here.

With Queen Linda ruling the roost?

Yeah, well, her and Mick have been together for years.

Then they had three kids. And now they've got us.

When we was little uns, you was the mum.

Then it was Aunt Babe. And now, we've got...

Just so you know, I done that for Tam, all right?

-I did not do that for you.

-Yeah. Thank you.

I know what it feels like, don't I,

when you find out your dad ain't the man you think he is?

And right now my boy has lost enough.

-Where are you going to go?

-Like you care(!)

What you need to do is you need to sort yourself out.

Talk to him. Tell him everything.

He will understand.

Empty house.

We could go upstairs.

Go wee.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, my days! You do not respect your dog's life.

Well, you obviously don't recognise high fashion when you see it.

High fashion? Not if your dog's walking around in thongs.

If you think that's a thong, you ain't seen much girls' underwear.

I've seen plenty girls in their underwear.

No, I mean in person, not pay-per-view online.

How have you got your dog walking round in a nappy though?

Ain't that embarrassing?

She is on heat.

Ain't you embarrassed, walking round with that face?

Why don't you put your dog in a bag like Paris Hilton does?

Why don't you just shut up?

Stand there much longer, she might think you're a tree.

Look, I'm going to go and get a coffee, yeah.

-And?

-All right, suit yourself.

Come on.

Two sugars, yeah?

Do you want some lunch?

No, I should get back to work.

HE SIGHS

Serious things though. You want to be a soldier?

Yeah. Got a problem with that?

No. I mean, not if you're going to walk around like Lara Croft.

Shut up, I mean a proper soldier.

I swear down, next time I'll actually knock you out.

-In your dreams. You're not knocking out no-one.

-In your dreams though!

-You never know. So, why don't you?

-What, knock you out again?

No. Become a soldier.

Same old, innit? Just met a boy.

You know they've got these mad machines in the Army now though,

innit? Like half boat, half car. Massive bazookas sticking out...

Massive bazookas? Are you back on Lara Croft? That's a bit sexist.

No!

Has that always been your thing then? Cars?

Mm-hm. Cars, motorbikes, trucks.

You are such a boy!

Says soldier girl over there.

Thought I was Paris Hilton a minute ago?

What?

Nothing.

What?

Nothing.

No!

Yes, Tramp!

No, don't call again. No! Never!

Look, Nick, your mum does not want to see you, OK?

HANG-UP TONE

"Nick"?

Lady Di!

-Tramp!

-It ain't funny.

-You are punching above your weight, boy!

-My mum is going to kill me!

-How's she going to find out?

-She wants her pedigree.

-Di likes it rough.

-Can you get him off her, please?

I'm trying! But I've never had to break up no doggie doggie before!

I mean, come on... Nance?

Nancy, what are you doing?

Eh, stop it, man, it's not funny.

TRAMP GROWLS

We should have another karaoke!

I'll put my sequins on, get everyone in to see the refurb.

Yes, Johnny, you could do your Girls Aloud.

Johnny, I'll do your shift at lunchtime. I owe you one.

-You don't have to.

-Lunchtime don't count the same as an evening shift.

Then I'll work tonight as well.

As long as you don't mind changing the rota?

That... That seems fair.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

Last time you done some thinking,

we nearly ended up selling dogs in pastry.

-Linda!

-As I was saying,

I've been thinking.

-Now you either give me my cash back...

-YOUR cash?!

Well I was the one that got it.

As I was saying,

you either give me my cash back

or...

..put my name above the door.