17/04/2014 EastEnders

HE HUMS

Wow!

You don't think it's too much?

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

I just popped in to say good luck for the interview.

-Oh, well, it's only the local rag.

-Yeah, well, erm...

I'm very proud of you.

Why don't you come by after your round,

if you're...not doing anything else.

Yeah?

Morning! I didn't invite you over so you could stuff your face.

Billy didn't have anything in.

There's a surprise. Now are you going to be on the stall all day?

Yeah. Is that why you wanted to see me?

Yeah. The guy from the Walford Gazette will want to talk to you. And you, Luce.

-I can't. I'm up to my eyes today.

-It won't take you long.

Sorry. I'm at the flats all day.

You're going to be there, aren't you, love?

If you still want me... not sure why though.

Of course I do! You're my fiancee - nice to have the support of at least some of my family.

Cindy's going to be there. I'm showing her the ropes on the stall

-so she can help out.

-Do you have to do that today?

Come on, it's not going to be that easy to explain away a teenage pregnancy, is it?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Don't all rush.

-Need your autograph.

-Yeah.

There you go, I know what that is.

HE CHUCKLES

Here, hang on a minute, have a look...

I tell you what, she has done a cracking job...

Look at that.

You've got jam on your tie.

I'm not wearing a tie.

No, the other one.

Oh. Cheers, mate.

The secret is to mash the sardines in with the jam.

I'm actually going to vom...

Just... Just ignore him.

So what I was thinking is...

First I'll introduce the players,

and then I'll make something up about them, like...

"Max versus Phil,

"let's hope they don't mistake their heads for the balls."

-Ha-ha! Nice!

-Yeah?

-Like it.

Why would they?

Because they're both bald.

Well, that's not funny.

What would you know about funny, Gramps?

Only funny thing about you is that ridiculous sandwich you're making.

It's the universe lining things up, John Boy.

All the girls you deflect have got to go somewhere.

You only kissed her cos Lucy never showed up.

Oh! You're not still banging on about Whitney, are you?

I just don't want to see her hurt.

-It was only a snog, stop being a woman.

-Oi, that's mine!

-Not any more.

-Here, Johnny, put the kettle on, will you?

Four sugars and I'll have my painkillers.

-I think they're in the cupboard...

-No, no, no, he can do it himself.

If he's well enough to get arrested...

you're well enough to put a kettle on.

-It's no bother.

-See, the boy don't mind.

And full-fat, mind - I don't want any of that skimmed rubbish.

Listen, they're not here to run about after you.

It's a cup of tea, Dad. Do you want one?

No. I'll do my own cup of tea.

Here, Nancy wants your help with this pool thing she's running.

-No, I don't.

-All right. Have you sorted out your seedings and pairings yet?

You don't want too many walkovers cos people get too bored.

-It's all right if you can't get your head around it, I'll help.

-I said I don't need your help.

-All right. I'm just saying I'm good at this stuff, that's all.

-Course he is.

Your heart's in the right place but everyone knows pool's a man's game.

Ooh, sexism and sardines -

the perfect breakfast!

Come on, shock me. How many women have entered this tournament?

I said full-fat, you great jessie!

Great.

It's annoying that tomorrow's a Bank Holiday.

Yeah, well, we can still offload the rest.

Look how many we've got rid of already.

We'll just smash it all day tomorrow and then party at Roxy's.

PHONE RINGS

It's all right, you can answer it.

No, it's not important.

It might be a sale.

It's not work.

Lucy, is there anything that you want to talk about?

No.

Take it easy, you'll blunt the arrows.

You know, you just want to take your foot off the pedal, kick back.

It's not in me to relax. You know that.

What is it Nan used to call you?

Tasmanian Devil.

Yeah. Tasmanian Devil, that's it...

It's going to be all right.

Yeah, course it will.

Lightning don't strike twice, right?

Anyway, I'm going to go for a jog. I'll catch you later.

What you doing! Barging about!

Idiot.

You've got to make allowances.

What? Cos he's in the Army or cos he's a plonker?

Just give him a little bit of slack.

And don't listen to the old man either.

What, sexist Stan? It's water off a duck's back.

I know you're excited about the tournament, but just don't worry.

It's going to be a success.

Go on.

Love you.

Love you!

So, you're playing Whoopie Goldberg's part?

Understudy, but I might go on tonight

cos we've been lurching about

and I'm one of the few that don't get seasick.

Last night, Mother Superior vomited all over the front row.

Mate, I couldn't even cover for her

because every Wednesday and Saturdays I do my jazz medley.

-You're singing jazz?!

-They can't get enough of me, you know.

And we're doing a big Easter gig this week.

So, you missing me?

Yeah. Yeah, I miss having someone to talk to, yeah.

How's Patrick?

Hey, tell him we've got eight different types of rum on board.

Well, he's in Trinidad.

You lie! We're going there next week!

-I'm going to hunt him down dressed like this!

-DENISE LAUGHS

ha. It sounds like you're having a great time.

Things have... Well, they've been a bit tense here.

Mate, I never knew how much fun you can have

being tossed about on a boat.

And Mr Fox-Hubbard? Is the honeymoon period over?

Oh, no... He adores me.

I don't have to lift a finger.

Well, you never did.

And he is very attentive, if you know what I mean...

No, I suppose you don't, innit? Cos you're with Ian.

Denise, all I can say to you is... bless you, my child.

Actually Ian's showing me off to the press later.

And tomorrow we're going to Oxford to see Libby.

He can't do enough for me.

Oh. Nice.

Who hasn't washed up their breakfast?

Jam and sardines.

I can't stand at that sink with my ankle.

-Yes, you can.

-What are you, a doctor all of a sudden?

I can't put any weight on it, it's agony.

Right, well, you can dry then.

Always ready to help.

Never let it be said that I'm a burden...

and you can put that on my gravestone.

Who says you're going to get one?

No-one's going to want to know where you're buried.

Oh, very nice! What a lovely thing to say to a man who's got one foot in the grave.

Nance, I was having a think, and I reckon you should...

No, I know exactly what I'm doing!

-I don't need you taking over.

-OK, I'm just trying to help.

No, you're not. You're doing your usual - trying to push me out of something I want to do!

-What's that meant to mean?

-You know exactly what I mean.

You're trying to come up with something to prove to everyone how great you are.

The pool is my thing, ain't it, Dad?

-Course it is, baby.

-I've done all the pairings, all the seedings,

I've done all the promotion and it's going to be really good

-and it'll bring a load of customers in, so...

-All right, keep your hair on.

-Sounds like she's trying to prove she's as good as you are, lad.

-I am as good as him!

OK, put your money where your mouth is. Why not enter yourself in the tournament?

I've already told you - I can't, I'm running it.

-You can do both, can't you?

-Yeah, go on, I dare you.

Fine. If you can deal with being thrashed by a girl!

Go on, then, Nance. Now that's fighting talk...

DISH SMASHES

Whoops! Butterfingers.

230 quid for this!

It is perfect for our decor.

Yeah, but for 230 quid I want it in silver!

Ian, it's not just your money any more.

I know, but it's 230 quid...

Ian! I'm not having you moaning about costs

and taking the shine off this for me.

-Why is there a dead body outside my restaurant?

-OUR restaurant.

Look, are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

I don't know, it seems like you've just got a lot on your mind.

No, I'm fine.

Right, you find out about those council tenants

and I'll head over to the flat and chase up those leads.

Yeah, all right, I shouldn't be too long.

Cindy, pass me the bananas.

Come here, come here.

What are you doing? Get off of me!

What do you think you're playing at?

What are you talking about?

This!

-Lucy, you ain't going to blackmail me. Do you understand me?

-Who took that?

-That's exactly what I want to know. So, go on, who have you been talking to?

-No-one.

I swear.

Do you really think I want people knowing about us?

So where did it come from?

Just an e-mail.

Didn't recognise the address.

So someone's spying on us?

I'm trying to look on the bright side. But this isn't Spring Lane.

No, it isn't Spring Lane.

And it's not going to be Spring Lane once they flatten it.

Now, come on, what's our motto?

Come on, say it.

-Oh, Birdie!

-Say it.

Life's too short.

Exactly.

Come on, the people round here are all very friendly.

Here, is that your death wagon?!

Oh! Some respect for the departed, please.

You'll have to shift it.

I can't have a dead body outside my restaurant!

We're on our way to a funeral.

You'll have to get that car to back up.

HORN TOOTS

Oi, Beale! Has this got anything to do with you?

You're going to have to reverse.

I ain't backing up for you.

I can't reverse now, can I? Now move that hearse! Come on.

He can't reverse, he's got a coffin in the back.

-If I have to get out of here you'll be needing a coffin - now move it!

-Why me? Why is it always me?!

Pam Coker.

-Jane Beale.

-We've bought the lease on the charity shop.

It's a nice area, isn't it?

HORNS TOOT

Just give him five minutes to offload the sign. I've got a reporter coming round...

-I've warned you!

-All right, I'll get them to move.

You're going to have to move, you're causing a jam! Come on. Move it, mate.

There's a man who lets things get to him.

-That way. All right! Go on.

-That never ends well, does it, Les?

No, Birdie, it doesn't.

You don't think it was Lauren, do you?

No, no, she would have said something.

You know what she's like, she can't hold back.

-So, you with that Carter boy now, or what?

-No.

You can still talk to me.

Don't.

I know you say it's over. I can't just switch off how I feel, can I?

Look, you're going to have to.

Right, so you think you're some sort of big woman now, do you?

Well, you ain't.

Busy day?

She must have just got caught up with something.

My calves are solid, I need a good old massage later,

how are you fixed?

-To massage your legs?!

-Whatever you want.

I don't know. I've got to look after Bianca's mum today,

-she's not very well.

-I'm sorry.

Yeah.

She's meant to have chemo this week, but she's just not well enough.

That's rough.

I am really worried about her, to be honest.

She's normally the strong one,

but she ain't taking it very well.

She's the closest thing I've got to a gran.

Come here.

Listen, I might be able to get away later.

That's if your legs can last that long.

Oh, yeah, I think they can.

We're completely family-focused.

Simple, classic dishes.

-Healthy options, zero trans fats.

-Bun-less burgers, if that's your thing.

Even got sweet-potato fries.

-But no compromise on taste.

-On taste!

Anyone would think they were married.

Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Jake, my sous-chef.

Nice to meet you.

And these are your staff, are they?

No, no, this is Denise, my fiancee,

soon to be a new addition to the Beale empire.

And this is my boyfriend, Masood.

I thought you were married.

-BOTH:

-We were.

Yeah, and now we're...

..just business partners.

-We've...

-..both moved on.

-Yeah.

How about we show you the kitchen, Jake?

Yeah, this way.

Well, Ian's in his element.

This is exciting.

Yeah, it is.

You know, I've got a really good feeling about this.

Have you?

Well, the furniture's nice.

Denise.

Yes.

What's that for?

Thanks for being here.

I ain't done anything.

Oi, where you going with them?

Grandad said he wanted a beer.

No, if he wants beer he can come downstairs and buy 'em.

Put 'em back.

Although it's called Beale's and they work together

they're not married.

Well, they used to be, but they're divorced now.

Are you listening?

Always.

-Hello, stranger.

-Hi. I thought you might be with Whit.

I saw you kissing yesterday.

Oh, that was just a kiss.

It's all right...you're single.

You're not jealous then?

No, I'm happy for her.

I mean, it's been a while since a decent guy took any interest.

Is that right?

Yeah. And I'm pretty certain that she's stopped charging for sex,

so that's good for you.

It'll be good if we can salvage some of that wooden panelling from the old shop.

There's something very welcoming about mahogany.

There's room in that bedroom for more wardrobe space.

You hardly wear the dresses you've got.

I do. You can't say I don't.

I rotate. You never notice.

What am I wearing now? Don't...

Don't you look.

Black floral blouse, black jacket, black slacks.

-Lucky guess.

-Yeah.

Mr Coker, isn't it?

I just wondered if you and your good lady would like a bottle of wine,

on the house, of course, it's just I've got a little favour to ask.

I'm off.

Where? Where?!

A favour?

And, Peter, how old are you?

I'm 20.

What's it like, working for your dad?

It's great. It's really good.

It's a shame my daughter couldn't be here as well.

She's 20, setting up her own business, she'll be the real success story of the family.

We'll all be working for the great Lucy one day.

-What's your name?

-Like I said, it's unfortunate Lucy couldn't be here,

but obviously she's busy with work. She really wanted to talk to you.

Yeah, she's really busy floating around the Square.

Right, that's it with the stall,

how about, as it's lunchtime, we move on to the chippie?

Do you like fish and chips, yeah?

Why do you let him put you down like that?

He wasn't putting me down.

She nicks his credit card,

she complains about him every chance she gets,

and still she's golden girl.

No, it's not like that.

Do you want to be treated like second-best all your life?

Didn't mean anything, kissing Whitney.

What, like kissing me?

Is that what you do? Go round kissing every girl?

Pretty much.

You know you shouldn't take any notice of me.

PHONE RINGS

You got your dad on your case?

Only when he wants something.

He doesn't usually take an interest.

You should go away for a bit. Like me.

I go away for months, come back, and they're all over me.

Can't go wrong. You should try it.

What, just disappear?

Don't tempt me.

So, do you like it in the army?

Yeah, and no.

I miss my family a lot.

And the downside to coming back is I have to start all over again.

You going to see Whit again?

I don't know... Am I?

Who the hell are you?

Les Coker, your son asked me to pop up and see you.

-Why?

-Well, it can be lonely... surrounded by family,

but feeling isolated and cut off.

I'm not cut off, I've got me wheelchair.

Your son thought you'd like to talk to me.

You're not from the Social, are you? Cos I'm not going into no home.

No, I'm an undertaker.

Undertaker?!

I know it's not easy, approaching the end...

Have you thought much about your funeral?

What's Mick been saying to you? Cos I ain't near the end!

You're very lucky to have such a loving son.

He said, and I quote,

"When it comes to burying my dad,

"money's no object."

Oh, well, you can tell him from me, I'll see him in a coffin first!

Sending you up here, preying on an old man!

I've years left in me! Years!

Go on, clear off out! Bleedin' vulture!

Oi, oi, you said you had one foot in the grave!

Is that what you had in mind?

You're my new hero.

Shirley would have paid to see that.

Now, how about a nice Scotch?

A large malt. Oh, and if I could just leave you my card...

just in case you ever do have need of my services.

Listen, I don't suppose I can buy that coffin before he bowls over.

-I spoke to Kim earlier.

-Yeah? Her new husband thrown her overboard yet?

She's having the time of her life.

Yeah? When's she coming back?

Didn't think I'd miss her so much, you know.

You can take people for granted, can't you?

I know I've taken you for granted. I know, and I'm sorry.

No, no, Ian. You're just a very busy man, that's all.

You looking forward to seeing Libby tomorrow?

Yeah, really looking forward.

You are still all right to come, aren't you?

Yeah, of course. You support me, I support you.

Ian, no, it's not about support. She's my daughter,

and when we're married she'll be part of your family.

Yeah, I tell you what, that reporter talking about the stall

got me thinking about my gran and my dad...

Peter and Lucy, they're going to have kids,

and then they'll have kids,

and pretty soon I'll be the old man sat in the corner

-wondering where his life went.

-It's a good life, Ian.

I think me dad would be proud.

-Come on, shouldn't you be getting back to the Minute Mart?

-Hang on.

You should be reflective more often. It suits you.

That went well.

It did, didn't it?

Well, it looked like it.

And I managed to get more than two words in, which is surprising

considering Ian turned it into a piece all about his empire.

Well... That's Ian.

Thank you.

There's not many men that would be OK

about their girlfriends going into business with their ex-husbands.

Well, you just remember that

when you're opening your chain of restaurants.

Chain of restaurants!

-As if.

-Oh, it'll happen.

I just hope you don't end up ditching your postman

when you're flying high.

You don't really think that, do you?

HE LAUGHS

Course not.

Anyway it's going to take up a lot of your time, isn't it?

I'll still make time for you.

We don't open till Monday, so why don't we do something nice tomorrow?

What have you got in mind?

We could go away, we could go down the coast,

paddle in the sea, wear kiss-me-quick hats.

You don't have to take me to the coast to kiss me.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh...

Sorry.

Oh, yeah, I've got to take this.

Hello. Yes, this is Jane Beale.

Cindy!

What was that in front of the journalist?

-What?

-Just keep your remarks to yourself.

It's not right, the way you mug Peter off.

Lucy gets away with murder!

No, I'm tired of this, OK? I've been really good to you.

I've taken you in, I feed you, I deal with you...

getting pregnant, and still you stir the pot.

Luckily for me, no-one's interested in what you've got to say.

So you don't want to know about Lucy's police record then?

Oh, didn't know about that, did you?

Why are you so jealous of Lucy?

I'm not jealous! She got arrested for shoplifting in Devon.

You're lying!

Because she'd tell you(?)

You don't know the first thing about Lucy.

You don't even know what she keeps in her jewellery box.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

-Is Lee around?

-He went out. You should text him.

I haven't got his number.

Why don't you stay for a drink and I'll dig it out for you?

OK.

What are you having?

Whatever you're having.

Hello?

Dad?

Drink?

Surprise me.

-Nice.

-Yeah. I'd make a better job running it than my dad ever will, though.

Full of big ideas, then?

Not just ideas.

I am actually going to make a success of my life.

Yeah, I can tell. You seem a lot older than you are.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Come here.

Your dad's an idiot if he's not proud of you, you know that?

Hang on.

Just wait!

Sorry, can't help myself.

You're so beautiful.

Am I?

Oi, oi...

Hey, shush.

LUCY SOBS

Ian?

Ian, are you in?

Look, I've had a call from a florist who can do us a really good deal...

-What are you doing?

-I need to see what's inside.

Oh, Ian, you can't do that, it's Lucy's.

MUSIC PLAYS