04/01/2015 EastEnders

-You're perky.

-I've got a little boy to look after.

-Haven't we, Lil?

-Yeah.

He's our number one priority, ain't he?

Yeah, well, talking of that, I was thinking we...

we could go and get him registered today. What do you think?

-No, I haven't got time for that today.

-Why?

We've got a new sofa arriving, remember?

And Nan and Uncle Charlie are coming.

I wonder if they'll come bearing gifts.

They're not the Three Wise Men.

-Me and Alfie can stay here if you want to go.

-I just said no.

I just want to make it all nice and tidy, all right?

All right. Suit yourself!

Can you get Lily dressed for school?

She's got a party later.

I've ironed her dress, it's on the bed.

I know it's only a bit of paper, but...

I don't want her late on the first day of term!

It'd be nice to get it recognised in the eyes of the law.

Who cares what the law thinks? As long as God knows.

Since when do you care what God thinks?

-Can we just do it another day?

-I am his dad.

I do get a say in this as well.

Right, come on, Lily, let's get you ready for school.

Argh! That is disgusting! Avert your eyes, Jade.

-Look at your tie, it's not even straight.

-Oh, Lord.

-Lee! Lee...

-Hmm?

You've got to play the part

-if you're going to be running this place.

-Yeah, I know,

seeing as superstar DJ Arthur is living it large in Austria now.

-Oh, yeah.

-You going to come and help me downstairs?

Only if I can have some more of that wedding cake!

-She not at school?

-Inset day.

If they aren't going to work her, then I am.

-That's child labour!

-Yeah, and I'm the landlady.

Talk to me like that again

and you're not going to get any cake, EVER.

So, Shirl, are we pushing food this week?

-Cos no-one really drinks first week of January, do they?

-No, I know.

I'll get Buster to bring some fish over,

Babe can knock up some pies

and write some specials on the board, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Make it look pretty.

Come on, you, down the barrel store.

See you later.

-Right, on that note, I'd best be off, an' all.

-Ooh.

-Ta.

-See you later.

-Bye.

-Bye.

I think Shirl knows what she's doing.

Yeah, she's sleeping in Mum and Dad's bed.

Lucky Mick and Linda.

Ugh... No, thanks.

-Shirley was looking for you.

-Yeah?

I went over to pick up some bills and sign for a new phone.

She wants a fish pie on the lunch menu.

-Can you sort us out?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, course I can.

Yep. Consider it done.

'Good morning, Mr Moon, I'm calling from Dr Stewart's office.

'Please could you call us back as soon as possible? Thank you.'

-GIGGLING

-Will you lot keep it down in there?

Sorry, Stace.

Oh, listen, I'm meeting up with a couple of nuns later,

to give them a cheque.

Do you mind if I meet 'em here?

-Nuns?

-Hmm.

From the convent where I had Zoe.

I'm making a donation.

Well, I'm going out anyway, so if you're here, the new sofa's coming.

-Where are you going, abroad?

-No. Why abroad?

Just seen the passport in your bag.

Oh, no. I've just.. I've got to go to the Post Office,

pick up a present from my mum.

It didn't fit through the letterbox.

Kat, listen, I'm just popping out for a bit.

Everyone leaving me?

Well, I'm sure Nan and Uncle Charlie want to hear all about Spain

and how nice it is. You can show 'em your tan!

Don't be long, will you?

Yeah, I'm just really bored of Shirley telling me what to do.

So, I spoke to the imam at the mosque and he said that

if you're interested in learning more about Islam

then he'll sit down and talk to you.

Oh, right. What...

-Is that what you came here to say?

-Yeah.

No. Yeah, definitely. I'll definitely bear it in mind.

I've got to get on, but I'll chat to you later.

This is it, here.

I feel sick.

It's going to be fine.

It could be worse. You could be Neil.

-Dumped by text.

-Cheers.

-Sorry, mate.

This was your New Year's resolution, remember?

Which technically means I have another 362 days to do it.

Can we just get some breakfast first?

Yes, we can! I'm Hank Marvin.

We're coming back!

Hey, Billy No-Mates, what are you doing, sitting on your own?

You OK?

Right, Mum's here. You all right?

Yeah.

I'm sorry I'm so late. I couldn't get on a Tube. They were packed!

Had an armpit in me face for five stops.

-Here, I got you these - chrysanthemums.

-Aw...

I thought, you know, with the lady-test today.

Hysteroscopy. Let's just call it what it is.

My reiki master says having flowers in the house

makes you less anxious and reduces stress.

Thanks, Mum, it's very kind of you.

You're sure you don't need me to come with you both?

No, no. All I need from you is to mind our stall, all right?

Well...I know how icky and unpleasant these things are.

I'm going to be late for work.

-Can you sort this out?

-All right.

-Come and get me around lunchtime?

-Yeah.

-I'll see you later.

Bye.

-Hey.

-Hello.

-I'll take a coffee to go, please.

-Sure.

Happy New Year.

Let's hope so.

I thought we were going to put all of that behind us.

What, pretend that we like one another?

Vincent might be able to keep up the pretence, but I certainly can't.

That's interesting... considering you've been playing

the part of the grieving widow all these years.

Had a very interesting chat with my mother the other day.

She has a very clear memory of the night your husband supposedly died,

and it is very different to your version of events.

She's obviously going senile.

No. No, her brain is about as sharp as your tongue.

I mean, I'd be happy to share her version with Vincent...

unless you're civil to me.

Why don't you think about it?

Ta-ta.

-Thanks very much. See you later.

-Cheers. See you.

I've been offered an MRI scan this afternoon.

Did you take it?

I said I'd call 'em back.

Alfie, the longer you leave it...

All right, what did Kat say?

-You haven't told her, have you?

-Ian, I feel fine.

Well, if you feel fine, then maybe you are.

You could be worrying yourself sick and it turns out to be benign.

And if it's not?

Then you need to act fast.

Before it's too late.

PHONE RINGS

Here we are. Fish is the dish, ladies.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

You got it out? Nice of you(!)

She was looking out for me.

So was I.

Shirl, Jade keeps on at me for more wedding cake.

Can I give her a slice just to shut her up?

What? What's that?

Letter from Dean. He wants us to go and visit.

Well, you're obviously not going, are you?

Aren't you curious?

No. Not in the least.

I am.

What, are you being serious?

Deadly.

We need to go and see him.

Oh, I just wanted to check on her. When did she leave?

Ten minutes. She came in, she rushed straight back out.

And she definitely said she was going to the clinic?

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you got the appointment time wrong?

Yeah, I must have done.

I'm going to give her a call. Cheers.

I can't believe I'm having to do this.

What is it?

A nice "don't worry about me" card to Dot from Arthur.

SHE SIGHS

So, you're going to send it to Austria, just to get it sent back?

Yep.

Trying to copy his handwriting too.

This is...this is so messed up.

Has Kim said anything about your new car?

She just likes that we have a new car.

We're going to have to let go this feud with the Mitchells, son.

I've seen you hurt one too many times now.

You...you can't mean that.

We could go to our graves cursing them,

but it's not going to bring your father back.

Or that boy.

Something's got to give.

Where are you? Your sofa's 'ere.

Hey, look who I found outside.

Hey! Hey! It's Nanny and Grandad.

What's with the wallpaper?

-Back in fashion again, is it?

-You all right, Dad?

-Hello, Kat. All right?

-Nice to see you.

-Grandad!

-Hello, son. Where are the twins?

-They're having a kip.

-I thought Fat Elvis was coming?

-Don't even go there.

She's living with me and Lynne now.

He's left me for his probation officer. Can you believe it?

What a dirtbag.

Aw, Mo, some people have got no class, have they, sweetheart?

Don't get me started.

I'm on tablets now for me blood pressure.

We've got some belated birthday presents for you, son.

Not as nice as what Mummy and Daddy could afford.

-That sofa's plush!

-Oi-oi.

Whatever you've got him, he's going to love it.

Here, Alfie, put the kettle on.

-Why does she keep unplugging things?

-I don't know.

How's Spain?

Yeah, it's fine.

What? Yeah. No, Spain's great. It's lovely.

-Living the dream, ain't we, darling?

-And was Zoe all right?

Yeah, she loves it out there.

Hello. Oh, you're all here.

Oh, there she is!

Oh, I've been waiting to meet him!

Yeah, yeah. Sorry I'm late.

I've had loads to do, I've been really busy.

-Can I see him?

-No, he's asleep. I'm going to put him down.

You can see him later.

Oh... That was a bit of an anti-climax.

Shabs, it's me.

Can you call me as soon as you get this message, please?

I know you're not at the clinic, so...

What are we going to do, eh?

We don't want them all crowding you, do we? No!

DOOR OPENS

I thought he was asleep.

Yeah, well, he woke up.

Didn't you? Probably all them noisy people!

You feeling all right?

Yeah, I feel good. I feel really good. Why?

So, where's this present from Jean, then?

Oh, I forgot it.

Will you just watch he don't roll off the bed?

I need to get a thermometer. I think he's got a temperature.

He's fine.

Yeah, but you better just double-check.

You can't be too sure at this age, can you?

-Oi! Do you mind?!

-No, not really.

I thought you didn't have time for this today?

Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.

Yeah, I can see that.

Where's Martin's name?

-What?

-The father.

It's blank.

That's why you've been acting weird today.

-I ain't acting weird.

-Yes, you are.

You're all over the place. Look at the state of you.

SHE SIGHS

-That's what secrets do.

-What secrets, Kat?

What are you talking about, secrets?

Martin ain't the father, is he?

What if I've scared her off?

I mean it. One mention of Islam and she clammed up.

The fact that she's interested is pretty remarkable.

Or is it too good to be true?

You know what Nancy's like. She's strong-willed.

She wouldn't say she was interested if she wasn't.

Just let her lead the way. It's not like, I don't know,

just one day deciding to wear the shirt that Carmel bought you

for Christmas when it's not really your usual style,

-you know what I mean?

-What?

Do you like it? Is it too tight?

Dad, I don't care about your shirt right now!

I've got my own dilemma. Yeah?

It's too tight.

< Yes!

-Kushy?

-Hmm.

-Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. All good.

Why won't you tell me who the father is?

-Why are you being like this?

-Like what?

Stand-offish! It's me!

You know you're going to have to tell him, don't you?

You can't keep this from him. You couldn't even keep it from me!

Yeah, well, Martin ain't a nosy cow who goes through people's bags!

Charming. Yeah, nice(!)

He's going to find out sooner or later. Ain't it better now?

-I need to protect Arthur.

-By lying to him?

Oh... You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Kat?

Why do you think I'm telling you this?

What I kept from Zoe for all those years tore us apart.

I do not want it to happen to you.

-Yeah, but you're fine now, ain't you?

-Yeah, we're fine.

Yeah, so it all worked out.

And this will an' all. Just stop interfering.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Is he awake yet?

Only Alfie's invited us to lunch at the Vic.

We could grab Martin on the way.

-Yeah, that's great. We'll be out in a sec.

-All right.

Think about what I said.

If you leave this, things will just get worse.

Shabs! Shabs, where have you been?

Denise said you'd gone to the appointment on your own,

but you can't have, can you?

No, no, I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't tell her.

You couldn't tell her what?

-I-I got a call from the pharmacy.

-Why? What's wrong?

No, no. Oh, nothing's wrong.

I spoke to them a few weeks ago about finishing my course.

Did you? You didn't tell me that.

No, I know, I didn't want to jinx it.

Listen, they're willing to supervise my pre-registration training.

They're giving me a job.

-They're

-giv... Yeah.

-That's great. That's great news.

-Yeah, hopefully.

Right, I need to hide from Denise until the appointment.

-I'll get us a nice lunch.

-Yeah.

-You tell your mum, I'll tell my dad.

Right, yeah, let's do it. I'll come with you. Walk and talk.

Congratulations would be really nice.

That goes without saying, doesn't it? Well done, well done.

-Are you all having the fish pie?

-Yes, we are, sweetheart, thank you.

Right, listen up, everyone. A toast.

To Stacey, Martin, Arthur Brian Fowler -

the happy family.

-Cheers!

-The happy family.

Yeah. I'm glad we came today.

You needed cheering up, didn't you?

I might have been dumped for an old tart,

but least I've got all yous lot.

It's his loss, sweetheart!

You had little Arthur registered and all that business?

I keep on at her, but I'm just going to have to book it myself.

We can go tomorrow, eh?

She's already done it. Did it this morning, didn't you, Stace?

What?

-Tell him.

-I asked you if we could do it and you said...

Yeah, I know what I said.

So why did you go without me?

Cos I wanted it to be a surprise.

Mission accomplished.

Have you got it with you?

Yes, it's in my bag.

Can I see it?

My name's not on it.

Stacey?

Well, of course it's not on there. The father needs to be present.

She wanted it to be a surprise but when she got down there,

she found out that she needed you with her.

She bawled her eyes out when she got home.

Aw, poor cow. Just trying to do a nice thing.

Well, don't worry about it, it's fine.

-We'll go back together, get it sorted?

-Yeah, I suppose.

Well, enough of the baby.

Let Great-Nan have a hold.

No, I need to change him first.

BABY CRIES

-Is she all right?

-Yeah, she's fine.

I think all this birth certificate stuff has just upset her.

Has Ollie got a changing mat?

Arthur's a bit fussy about being changed in front of everyone.

Do you know what, he always did strike me as a bit of a snob.

-I'm joking. Course you can. It's in the front room.

-Thanks.

There you go.

BELL RINGS

DOOR UNLOCKS

So, are we all right?

What do you want?

I need your help.

I know things got out of hand at the lake,

but I need to get myself a decent lawyer and to do that,

-I got to take some money out of Blades...

-Let me stop you there.

We are NOT here to help you.

You don't write to us, you don't call.

In fact, we want nothing to do with you.

And whatever happens to you, you stay away from Jade.

You came all the way here to tell me that?

That's very cruel.

Maybe I should have held your head under that water

a little bit longer, finished you off.

At least THEN I would be here for a reason!

See...

..there it is.

Ha!

What you really are when you don't get what you really want.

Linda and Roxy found that out, didn't they?

And your mum,

when you held her head under the water.

After you smashed up Blades...

all that talk about wanting to be punished.

I think I knew then what you really are, only I chose to ignore it.

I mean, she did try to drown me first!

Are we just going to ignore that?

She's going to get away with it?

You ought to count yourself lucky it wasn't me.

I gut fish for a living, remember?

Nothing slips through my fingers.

Now...

..do you remember what your mum said earlier?

Hmm?

Good.

Because I've got friends in here.

And if you think your life was hell on the outside...

Well, that's great news!

-Well, just keep it quiet for now.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-There you are!

-You all right, Mum?

Has there been a problem?

Is Shabnam all right?

Um...

I'm your mother.

I can tell when something's going on.

-And something's going on.

-You couldn't be more wrong, Mum.

If I tell you this, you have to keep schtum, OK?

I am not some sort of loudmouth, Kush.

I can keep a secret.

Yvonne at Pilates has taken up with a 32-year-old lover,

and I haven't told a soul.

Yeah, well, you just told us.

OK.

Shabnam got a job at the pharmacy.

But Denise can't know that's where she's been, so... Yeah?

Poor Denise. But good for Shabnam.

Yeah, we're going to have a late lunch, just the four of us.

Something low key, celebrate...

Aw...

Everything's going to be all right, see? I knew it would.

It's those flowers I bought this morning. I told you, didn't I?

Positive energy!

How long are you going to give her?

Um...

Hmph.

I hope I didn't pressure you... with any of the...

-Is Stacey upstairs?

-Yeah, she's in the front room.

-You can go up, if you like.

-Cheers.

Go on.

I hope I didn't pressure you with the imam stuff.

Not at all.

No, I just...

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself,

but I just feel like a bit of a hypocrite.

Why?

Look, if I start reading more about Islam

and, like, meeting imams

and, you know, down the line,

even think about converting,

I can't exactly run a pub, can I?

-So you've done some research.

-Mmm.

You know how much I wanted to join the Army when I was younger,

and then I couldn't, cos of my epilepsy,

so I had to rethink things, and it's just...

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

You've nothing to be sorry for.

Does it change how you feel about us?

No! Not at all.

I just... I just need some time to figure it all out, that's all.

Look, I'm sorry that I opened my big gob.

I just thought I'd give you the chance to come clean.

What? In front of the whole family like that?

Must be a right kick in the teeth, Kat.

Run off to Spain with all your money

and leave us lot behind to fend for ourselves.

Fend for yourselves? I pay your rent!

And then you come back and find that, actually,

-we're doing just fine without you.

-Yeah, you're doing a bang-on job(!)

-Why are you here, anyway?

-To see you!

You want to know what a kick in the teeth feels like?

You keep going the way you're going and lying to everyone.

See where that gets you.

Tommy, wowser.

Good boy.

PHONE RINGTONE Oh, excuse me.

Oh, sorry. I've got to get this.

Just going to be viewing a mate's flat.

if we're going to stick around,

I don't want to be stuck in your hair, you know?

-What about your food?

-Tell Kat I'll be back later.

Hello.

They're dropping like flies.

Welcome to the madhouse, Martin.

It's not too late to get out, you know.

Yeah.

No answer.

THEY SIGH

I'm looking for the Slaters.

Um...they're not in.

TEXT ALERT

Oh, no, she's texted me.

"In the Queen Victoria."

At the pub at this time of day!

Mind you, if I won the Lottery, I expect I would be too!

-She won the Lottery?

-I didn't know that.

-Maybe she meant someone else.

-There's only one way to find out.

-Oh. I really don't...

-You're going in there.

HE SIGHS

-Ian?

-Yeah, in here, Alf.

Hello, mate.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

Um...I've agreed to the scan.

Oh, great. And...?

I can't do it on me own.

Alfie, I've got to take Bobby to his school interview today.

I'll go with you.

If Mummy's doing the right thing,

then why is everyone shouting at her?

Eh?

Maybe we should tell Martin who your daddy is?

What do you think?

He'll still love us, won't he?

-Hello!

-You all right?

Look, I'm going to have to go and give Kathy a break,

so I'm going to shoot, but will you tell Stace?

-Will do.

-All right.

-It's a bit of a theme this, innit?

-What you on about?

-Blokes can't get away from me fast enough.

There you go. I've got the cheque written up.

No Sister Ruth?

She's laid up in bed, terribly ill.

Oh, no.

She's going to be all right, ain't she?

Well, look at this little one!

What an angel he is.

-Do you think?

-What's his name?

Arthur.

Arthur Brian Fowler.

You look after this one, won't you?

Where are you going, Stace?

You were right. I need to tell Martin the truth.

That's her, isn't it?

Listen, I've got a lovely deal on.

-Fill a bag up, like that, for

-£1. £1?

Well, go after her!

Stacey?

-Stacey Slater?

-You've been following me.

I'm Kyle.

I'm your brother.