22/12/2016 EastEnders

MARTIN WHISTLES

What you doing up? What is it, first night nerves?

Yeah.

Yeah, must be.

What, after that rehearsal yesterday? We smashed it.

BEX SIGHS

Well, seeing as you're up, we might as well get a day's work out of you.

Work? It's freezing outside.

Bex, we're Cratchits. Working in the cold's what we do.

Come on, it beats staring at your phone all day, don't it?

And after Christmas Eve,

I'll be off, and we can spend loads of time together,

Yeah? You'd better get used to it!

Good boy!

He was a bit shaky, but he's just done a little circuit of the room,

so I'll have him collecting glasses soon.

Why don't you come and watch me and him do a little lap?

And then I promise I'll learn me lines, all right?

What's wrong?

It's from the insurance.

He ain't been right since Tuesday. I mean, where's he going?

I don't know, but we can't stop him going out.

Right, well, we're going to have to convince Ben,

or tell Phil the truth, because if he finds out...

I know, Jay. Just give me today.

I'll try one more time, and if it doesn't work,

we tell him tonight, OK?

Sharon.

Hey. You look smart.

Give us a hand with these, will you?

-Yeah. Yeah, course, darling.

-Thanks.

There you go.

As long as we get the pay out, it don't matter.

It's good news.

It's not the point, though, is it?

We pay our money on time,

we've gotta wait till after Christmas before they pay up.

-It's a joke.

-It's a week.

We can live without it for a week, can't we?

We're going to have to, ain't we?

It just... It just really winds me up, you know?

Cos when you owe them money they're on your case, you know?

We get turned over, it's like getting blood out of a stone.

It's Christmas. We're happy, Ollie's doing better.

Let's just enjoy it, OK?

And I have nailed your Christmas present this year.

Me present?

Yep. It's perfect. You think you love me now?

You wait till Christmas morning.

Right. Present, insurance money. Present, insurance money...

There you go, mate.

Oi, workshy, chop, chop, the man wants his change.

See this girl, mate? This is Belinda.

Does she look like a milliner's apprentice to you?

They make hats. You know, hats?

Keep your head warm, sun out the eyes. You with me, yeah?

Can I go home now?

No. Cratchits do not skive.

-Bex, come on, get into character.

-Dad...

Did De Niro put a fat suit on for Raging Bull?

No. He got bang on the cream cakes.

You got to invest in the role, Bex. Come on.

Because you know what?

# Father wears his Sunday best

# Mother's tired, she needs a rest

# The kids are playing up downstairs

# Sister's sighing in her sleep

# Ah-ah!

# Brother's got a date to keep, he can't hang around.. #

I'm going home.

# Our house, in the middle of our street

# Our house, in the middle of our... #

Yeah? Oh, that's good. As long as they pay up. Yeah.

-Oi. Oi.

-Mm?

-Ask her about the champagne flutes.

-You're about to go round there, you ask her.

-All right, calm down.

-All right. Yeah, yeah.

-See you later.

-Ta-ta.

No, Mum, we've got plenty of room. We'll just bring some chairs over.

Mum! Listen, listen, it's sorted. All right?

We've got plates, we've got cups, we've got an inside toilet,

the lot, all right?

Yeah, all right. Look, I've got to go, all right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I love you, too. All right. Ta-ta.

5C. Nice one, mate.

Hold on a minute, mate. Oi, where you going?

I'm 5B! Oi!

Well, I'll speak to you then. Cheers. Bye.

Phil.

-Everything all right?

-Yeah.

I've got a... I've got a job for you.

Job? What job?

My funeral.

Listen, I need to get to the Arches.

I told the bloke I'd be done by tonight.

Please, Ben, sit down.

Why? Sharon, what are you going to tell me that I ain't already heard?

Huh? And what's he going to say that he ain't already said?

I'm sorry, all right?

He's scared.

He won't tell you that, but he is.

He won't tell you he loves you, either, but he does.

Please, Ben.

Please sit down.

BRASS BAND PLAYS GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN

Wow, your battery must be amazing.

It was the hat, wasn't it?

I would count yourself lucky, cos that is the only thing he had on

when he come out of the shower this morning.

Thanks for that image(!)

Oh, Bex, give him a break.

He's your dad. That's what dads do.

What? Embarrass their teenage daughters on a daily basis?

Well, what do you want him to do, then?

-Sit here and talk to you about your sex life?

-Of course not.

I just don't want to be shown up in front of everybody.

He's just trying to cheer you up.

You're moping around like you're the only girl who's ever been

let down by a bloke.

I know that it must feel like it, but I promise you, you ain't.

He doesn't deserve your time. Your dad does.

I know. I just can't help myself.

We've all been there. Just got to give it time, Bex. Trust me.

Now, why don't you take that over to your dad and make peace?

Us Cratchits, we stick together, all right?

Out, out, out!

If it ain't a rat, it's a cat these days.

-Sorry, bacon sandwich?

-No. Just a coffee, thanks.

CLASSICAL MUSIC FROM MICK'S PHONE

She said you'd still be on hold.

Yeah. It's turning me a bit Clockwork Orange, this is.

But us Carters won't give up.

So, come on, what's the coup on my Christmas present?

Linda, she must've said something to you, go on.

Well, I've learnt a lot today, mainly how not to

ruin a Christmas dinner, but no, nothing about your present, sorry.

So the New Year's Eve ticket selling went well?

Sit down. Inspire me.

What shall I get her?

Well, she did talk about that necklace

that she lost in the robbery.

And Holly Willoughby's got one just like it, apparently.

Holly Willoughby?

Top marks for just noticing the necklace, eh, Teen?

-Oh, yeah. Lovely, er, lady.

-Yeah.

Yeah, well, anyway, my point being - buy her a new necklace.

I'll give you a hand. Better than a silk scarf, ain't it?

I got a friend who works at Canary Wharf, she'll do you a deal.

-If you hurry up, you can get there before she finishes.

-Lovely.

All I need now is a little break from Beethoven, and we're sweet as.

'Hello? Thanks for holding. How can I help you?'

Hello.

No flowers. They're just a waste of money.

Make it donations for a charity.

-Or for Janet, whatever you want.

-Phil...

And set some money aside. For the Vic. No liberty takers. And...

Do me a favour, keep an eye on Grant, will you?

Phil?

What are you doing?

-You new to this game, or what?

-I'm being serious.

Look, I know last week was a kick in the teeth, but it's not over.

You're not going to die, all right? So don't do this now.

Let's... Let's just wait and see, eh?

What would you do if you was me, eh?

If I don't wake up tomorrow, it'll be Sharon sat here instead.

Well, no.

No. She's done enough.

You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?

No, course not, Billy.

I'm a lot of things, but being stupid ain't one of them.

It ain't going to be like Mum's, but do your best.

For Sharon. And...

Just keep this between us, yeah? I'm trusting you.

Phil? What's happening?

Nothing. Just a loan. Keep it to yourself, yeah?

A loan?

Jay, it's personal, OK?

Now do us a favour and go and get us a couple of coffees.

Please?

-I know how you're feeling.

-You don't.

What do you want me to do?

Sit around and play happy families?

Pretend?

I've never, ever been good enough for him.

I've sat, I've listened...

I can't do it.

That man stood by you when Paul died,

and I know plenty who wouldn't.

He collapsed on his way out of here trying to save you from them boys.

And that's his love.

That's how he shows it.

You might not need it any more, but it's there.

Ben, this could be his last Christmas.

Let him spend it with the people he loves.

And he loves you.

And you're more than good enough. You always have been.

OK.

Thank you.

Is that safe to eat, or what?

Listen, I know you were only trying to help.

And you're a good dad.

Annoying, but good.

-I'm sorry.

-No.

I'm sorry. You ain't a kid any more.

And if that boy don't realise just how special you are,

then there'll be plenty who will. I've just got to get used to it.

Come here.

Right, come on. Let's go and smash these shows,

let's give little man a great first birthday

and let's have a top, drama-free Christmas.

Deal?

Deal.

Go on, tell him.

Bob, we've got a sell-out show.

-Tonight?

-Yeah, man!

Dutch courage drink after work?

Oh, definitely.

I reckon Tina knew that bird pretty well, know what I mean?

Yeah, she's going to love it.

That and you sorting the insurance - that's impressive.

Well, it's Christmas, ain't it? You've got to do your best.

Try telling Lee that.

Why's that?

Oh, no, nothing. It's just...

He was a bit snappy with me this morning, that's all.

I just worry sometimes, you know?

Do you know what I think it is?

I think it's his work.

He was in the army, and now he's got this office job.

I think... I think it's doing his nut in.

You know, I really do think that you and Lee are like me and L.

You know, you will want to slap him, very hard,

just hopefully now and again, but I think that the pair of you,

you're solid. And if he's lucky,

one day he'll have a daughter-in-law to help him buy you a present.

Just keep your chin up, and everything will be fine, girl.

Where've you two been all day?

We've been selling the rest of those New Year's Eve tickets.

-We teamed up, didn't we?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

Oh, did you, now?

His dinner's in the oven if he wants it.

I'm going to drop these off and then do the last of my shopping, OK?

Yeah. Yeah, no problem.

Cheer up, you. Ben's coming.

It's good news.

-Right, you ready?

-Yeah.

-Come on, then.

-Got your gloves, Denny?

-Yeah, yeah.

How much were these?

Oh, Tina's mate did us a good deal.

They go with the necklace, don't they?

Anyway, we can afford to spoil your mum, can't we?

-Yeah, yeah, of course.

-Do you know what?

Your dad, still, after all these years, would do anything for her.

Ain't that cute?

Have I done something wrong?

No, no, of course not.

No, it's just work, me mum, you know? I'm fine.

OK.

-See you later.

-See you later.

It's still a bit baggy, ain't it?

I know you want to show your guns off, Kush,

but we can't have a slim-fit ghost, can we?

I can't see nothing with this hood, anyway.

Stop moaning and stand still.

Could we go more classy, less brassy?

She's a publican, not a miracle worker, Carm.

Everybody, please. One, two, three, eyes on me.

Gather round, team talk, team talk.

Right. I just want you to go out there and do your best, OK?

No need to be nervous.

Chest back, shoulders forward.

What you doing there? What's that?

What he said.

Anyway, just go out there and give the performance of your lives.

OK? Or at the very least, try.

Right, um...

Good luck, everybody.

Where's he going?

Come on, friends. Enjoy yourselves.

Go out there and show them what you've got. All you with me?

APPLAUSE Yeah, man!

Leave the aggro outside, yeah? It's Christmas.

Martin. Martin!

Donna, what do you want?

-Come here.

-What?

-Look at this.

All those people.

They'll have their camera phones out in a minute.

We'll be all over the internet tomorrow.

It's all right, it's all right...

-Yes. Good shout, good shout.

-DONNA CHUCKLES

Montserrat? Montserrat?

Kim, I can't hear you...

You're at the airport NOW?

Kim? Kim? Hello?

BELL RINGS

Denise, this is Kelly. She's reviewing for the Gazette.

Hold on, it says on the advert that credit rating ain't a problem...

Come on, mate, it's Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, I know that. I know all that...

Can I just speak to one of the...?

Fine. Fine, yeah. Thanks for nothing.

Poor Mick. That's Christmas karma.

His head's gone. His head's gone.

That's the face he pulls when he's lost his keys.

Look at me. Look at me. You're going to be fine, all right?

Everything that we have been through -

this is like a walk in the park compared to that.

Come on.

I know. I know.

How's me hat look?

What is it with you and that hat?

Geezer, second row, with a crisp packet. He's winding me up.

It was just a few lines, babe. You were brilliant.

Nah, nah, I'm trying to act and he's mullering a bag of ready salted.

I tell you something else - where's the respect?

-I will serve him right up.

-Come on, come on.

Martin, you ready, mate?

Naked.

What?

The front row. Imagine them naked. Classic actor trick.

Puts you in control. Calms you down. Trust me.

PATRICK: Humbug!

Ah, here he is. My favourite and only worker.

What's wrong, Bob? Another kid on the way?

Can we go home now, Mum?

You need to take a half day off, you say?

Dennis has chained me up again.

You should eat. You'll make yourself ill.

I'm already ill.

Build your strength up.

I don't need babysitting.

No, I know. I know you don't.

I just... Well, I don't know.

What's happening with Billy?

What?

The money. Is he in trouble?

He didn't say.

Ah, right. So you just lent him the money.

No questions asked. That's it?

Do you want to watch telly or not?

I just want to know, that's all.

What I do with my money is none of your business.

No. Well, maybe I'll ask Sharon, see what she thinks?

It's her money and all, ain't it?

It's...

It's for me funeral.

Billy... He's sorting it out.

How many times did I tell you to look out for the props on your exit?

It's not my fault, OK? It's the chains.

Tiny Tim's had a field day. I told you, Gran, they are too long!

Don't you start. I could always pull them tighter, you know.

Donna. Where's Donna?

Out my way. Leave this to me.

Can anybody else smell booze?

Are you the spirit whose guidance I seek?

I wouldn't say no to a shot of rum.

-Hey, Scroogey, it's me.

-Speak up, love.

Why don't you come up here and say that?

Is that loud enough for you?!

-Is she threatening the audience?

-Yep.

Oh, fantastic(!)

-Hey.

-You all right?

Yeah. I'm going to have a quick shower before bed. You all right?

Yeah.

OK.

I am proud of you. You know that, don't you?

-Yeah.

-I love you.

I love you, too.

Good.

You missed your cue, not me.

I missed my cue because I'm chafing to bits with this stitch work.

It's thrown me.

Can we just cool it down a bit?

In this material? Chance would be a fine thing.

I am seeing spots.

You'll be seeing stars in a minute, girl, if you don't shut up.

He's got a yogurt. He's got a yoghurt, Del!

I mean, who brings a packed lunch to the theatre?

You can't win. We can't win, we can't win this!

Shhh, here we go.

Come on, Patrick. Save us with the solo.

What can be a worse fate than lying in the ground unloved and forgotten?

Please, tell me I can rid this writing from the stone?

Hang on, hang on. Please. Hold on.

Close the curtain.

Close the curtain now!

This ain't you. You're a fighter.

Whatever, whoever.

Phil, I've seen some big hard blokes come and go,

but you've stayed on top, because you don't give up, and you fight.

We...

We had an orange juice. On Tuesday.

Down at the new stadium.

Some poncey gastro-pub.

And there were these two city boys there. Flash. Drunk.

Giving it the big 'un. Just...

Just dying to be put in their place.

I had to just sit there, and ignore it.

Look at me.

What else could I do, huh?

If I ain't worth a row, what am I worth?

What have I got?

Just look around you.

Half the pubs have closed down, or they've turned into coffee shops.

Place is... Place is dying.

Bit by bit.

And the people.

And on the weekend, we used to have a few pints,

have a row,

if we fancied it.

That was me. That meant something. I meant something

And you're right. I was a fighter.

And this... This was my manor.

But I can't fight now, can I?

And this ain't my manor any more.

There's nothing here for me now. Nothing.

You're a good lad, Jay.

Do me a favour, just keep this to yourself, yeah?

Please.

Drinking? Missed lines?

Abusing the audience?

You should be ashamed.

Ashamed? I'm half concussed here.

I mean, it hardly seems fair that we've ALL been kept back.

Exactly, what about the tech staff? My lighting was terrible.

I'm sorry, but there's only one of us here broke character.

Broke character?

Your dopey son nearly broke the stage with that swan dive.

-Oi!

-Don't you blame my Kushy.

All he had to do was walk in a straight line.

He was probably chewing gum. Put him off.

You are a nasty b...

BLT! Geezer had a ready meal. That's what I'm saying.

Well, there's only one person to blame here, if you ask me,

and that's the director.

Me? How dare you!

Steve, don't be like that.

I've done him a favour by stepping in, and all he's done is criticise.

He's right. You're having a go at us, but

you're hardly Scorsese yourself, mate. This was supposed to be fun.

Fun! Yeah, fun.

All right. If that's the way you feel, the show's off.

Oh, where you going? I'm your lift home. Where you going?

Listen now, man, listen now, man, he's right.

I mean, it might be fun for you,

but, you know, to some of us, it's important.

All I wanted to do was... MUSIC PLAYS

See? Tech staff.

Oh, here we go. DUI Donna.

What did you say?

Well, you're just on one, ain't you? You have a drink...

ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Don't stay up too late.

Well, that escalated quickly, didn't it?

Don't worry. I'll sort them out tomorrow.

I'll just... I'll meet you at home, yeah?