23/12/2016 EastEnders


23/12/2016

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Transcript


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MUSIC ON RADIO

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# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... #

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RADIO OFF

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PHIL SIGHS

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DOOR OPENS

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Phil?

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I'm in here.

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Have you only just got that out the freezer?

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I forgot. Sorry.

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I told you three times.

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We're going to have to get a blowtorch to it at this rate.

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We've got the goose being delivered today

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and I want everything all ready.

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And seeing as Ben has decided to spend Christmas Day with us,

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I thought I'd get some more potatoes in.

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DOOR SQUEAKS

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Phil?

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So, is the review up yet?

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There you go - there it is.

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Right, what does it say?

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"Dickens - The Disaster Movie.

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"This Christmas classic performed by the Walford Players

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"makes you want to fast-forward to the New Year.

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"Writing aside,

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"this is one of the most hilarious productions I have ever seen."

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There you go. See, it's not that bad, then, is it?

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I don't think they meant that as a compliment, Kush.

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Oh, well. At least it can't get any worse, eh?

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Well...

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"The Ghost of Christmas Present, played by Carmel Kazemi,

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"was performed with as much energy as a coma victim." DONNA LAUGHS

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Oh, now, that's just cruel.

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"And as for the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come..."

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Give me that. Give me that. Here we go.

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"..not even Kush Kazemi's bulging biceps can distract you from

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"his total lack of stage presence..."

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Total lack of stage presence? What's that joker on about?

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I think we've just heard enough of that now.

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-I hope you're pleased with yourself.

-Well, don't have a go at him.

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Come on, Denise,

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it's not like any of us actually wanted to do this play, is it?

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Can you believe that?

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Maybe they're right.

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Come on, look.

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I know that yesterday didn't exactly go according to plan,

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but that's no reason to throw the towel in now, is it?

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We don't have a director. Nor a cast, for that matter.

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I can handle that rabble.

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What about Derek?

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Well, you know, if anyone can sweet-talk him, it's you.

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Lee.

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What, you ain't at work?

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No, the systems were down, so they just sent us all home.

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Why are you coming out of the pawn shop?

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-What's with the 20 questions?

-All right, I'm only asking.

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You look like you've been busy.

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Yes, I have. I got them expensive crackers for Sunday.

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-How expensive?

-Well, why does that matter?

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As long as it gets your mum off my back.

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-No, no, no, she don't like those ones.

-What?

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She's probably got loads leftover from last year anyway.

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-So you might as well take them back.

-Do you know what? I'm sick of this.

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-Oi, oi, oi, Whit...

-I was really excited about our first Christmas together.

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And do you know what? I wish I hadn't bothered.

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Hey.

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I'm just an old fool who should've known better.

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That makes the two of us, then.

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I was happy in Eastbourne, pottering about by the sea.

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So why did you come back, then?

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After Earl died, I started to become tired of my own company.

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I suppose I just wanted to feel needed again.

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So you came back to Walford?

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I had some very happy memories here.

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Or I did have.

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Patrick, you are a good man.

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I'm just sorry that this didn't work out.

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You know what today is?

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12 years to the day since I lost my eldest son Paul.

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I'm sorry.

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That's why I feel I'm living two lives.

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Mine and his.

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That's why I think I owe it to him to...

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..to have another go. Because I'll tell you,

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that boy - he never ever shied away from anything at all, you know.

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Perhaps you should have a word with Johnny.

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I'm sure he'll step up.

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What would your Earl say if he was here now?

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He'd tell me to stop being an old queen and get on with it.

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Sounds like a wise man.

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He was the best.

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Make him proud.

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What about the cast?

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Denise got that all in hand.

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It seems I don't have much choice in it, do I?

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TROMBONE PLAYS LOUDLY: We Wish You A Merry Christmas

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This better be good, Denise.

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I've got them queuing round the corner for my sprouts.

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OK, listen!

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Could...? Sorry... Just, do that somewhere else, please?

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Thank you.

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Right, OK, listen, everybody.

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I know that last night wasn't exactly a triumph...

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No, it was a disaster.

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I've never been so humiliated in my life.

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Yeah, well, I find that very hard to believe.

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I'm sorry?

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Look, I think all Denise is asking is that you give the show

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-another chance.

-Not on your life.

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Nah. I'd rather have my plums cut off.

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Right, so that's it, then? The play's just off?

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Well, let's look on the bright side.

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We can all get on with Christmas now, can't we? Lovely.

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TROMBONE PLAYS: We Three Kings

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-Someone's been busy.

-Don't you start and all.

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Whack that juke box on, Johnny boy.

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-Christmas has officially started.

-Someone's in a good mood.

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Well, what's not to love? I've got my family wrapped round me,

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I've just had a lovely little pay-out from the insurers

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and I ain't got to do that poxy play any more.

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MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade

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-Whit?

-Yeah?

-Fancy pulling a few shapes with me, girl?

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-No, I don't feel like it.

-Oh, come on, everyone loves...

-Mick! I mean it!

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Sorry. What's the matter?

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I'm just trying to sort out Christmas Day, right? And Lee...

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What's he'd done now? What's he done?

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He just keeps digging at me.

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I'm starting to think he don't want to spend it with me at all.

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What're you talking about? Course he does.

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He keeps giving me orders from Linda but I know they're from him.

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Yeah, well, the thing about L and Christmas is that she's...

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Give me a word, Johnny.

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Monster?

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Yeah, she just likes things done in a particular way.

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Her way.

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So Lee, bless him, he's probably just caught in the middle of it all.

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Yeah, well, fine,

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but I just wish he'd be a bit more enthusiastic about the whole thing.

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Listen, I'll have him squealing like a kid on Christmas Eve - guaranteed.

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I don't know why you didn't leave them to me.

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Because, believe it or not, I do know how to cook, Babe.

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-What've you got there?

-Mince pies fresh out the oven.

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Well, go on, then. Tuck in.

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Johnny, you going to have a bang on one?

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-I've just eaten, Mum.

-Three pints please, Trace.

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Ben, boys, want a nice complimentary mince pie?

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Mick.

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Oh...

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Good weight on them. Good weight on them.

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Oh!

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Honestly, that is, that is a pie and a half.

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Well, there's plenty more where that came from.

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All right?

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Yeah.

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We just finished our last motor for the day,

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so I thought I'd bring the lads down here for a Christmas pint.

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Jerome will be here in a bit.

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Yeah, well, you've worked hard. You deserve it, don't you?

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Do you want to join us?

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I've come to give you this.

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Call it a Christmas bonus.

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This is too much.

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I just want you and the lads to have a good time.

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Ben...

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..happy Christmas.

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Happy Christmas.

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-Listen...

-Me and you. Upstairs. Now.

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How many are you expecting tomorrow?

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That launderette has been part of the community

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for as long as I can remember

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and I'm pretty sure that none of this will go to waste.

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I've got to hand it to you and Whit.

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From what I hear, you know, we're in for a right little result on Sunday.

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Mum don't seem to think so.

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Don't worry about your mother - I'll deal with her.

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She'll be on her best behaviour.

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And then afterwards, we were thinking of leaving

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you and Whit on your jack, you know, have a bit of time together.

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I think she'd rather leave when you do.

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Oh, shut up.

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Listen. No-one said marriage was going to be easy.

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I just feel like I'm always disappointing her.

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You've got to stop all this.

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You put a roof over her head.

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You put food in her belly. She sees how hard you graft.

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I mean, who'd have thought it?

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My boy, you know, the flash City geezer.

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Give it a couple of years - you'll be watching the polo,

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you'll have a little cottage

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and you won't have no time for me and your mother,

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because, you know, you'll be all posh and that.

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It ain't a flash City job, all right?

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What're you talking about?

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I work in a call centre, Dad.

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And I hate every minute of it.

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Ah, here she is. Our ambassadress of goodwill.

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I take it everyone's onboard for tonight?

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I tried. But I'm sorry, they're not budging.

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But we're sold out.

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I guess we have to just give people their money back.

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All that hard work...

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I guess community spirit just isn't what it used to be.

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You could be flipping burgers for all I care.

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All that matters is that you're a good husband to Whit.

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I'm trying.

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How do you think I got where I am?

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Do you think I did that without ballsing things up? I mean...

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be honest.

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Secrets just eat up at you,

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they just eat away at you.

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You've got to deal with things together in a relationship.

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Do you think...

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Do you think me and Whit could be like you and Mum?

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Yeah. Course. You're halfway there already.

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Other than, obviously, like, the looks and all that, you know.

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You having a laugh? With that derby? Look at it, look.

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-Look at it.

-You want some? Eh?

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What, cos you fought in Afghanistan? I'd still iron you out. Derby!

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I just want to make Whitney proud.

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I know you do. And you will.

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I'll get Christmas out of the way and then I'll tell her everything.

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Good boy.

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Now, we'd better slip back downstairs

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before Whitney and your mother have a tear-up over party hats.

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Lee.

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You're my first-born

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and as soon as I held you in my arms,

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it was like love at first sight.

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Are you crying?

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Don't be so stupid. It's windy up here, ain't it? It's windy.

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My dad will never agree to it.

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So don't tell him.

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Don't tell him what?

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It's a club night over in Mile End on Boxing Day.

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Yeah, well. There'll be other nights, won't there?

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You just make sure you get a cab home.

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And no sneaking any booze in the house.

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I promise.

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You're only young once, ain't you? Enjoy yourself.

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Dad, why don't you sit back down, yeah?

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I'll get you another cup of tea.

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No, I've got to get Sharon a Christmas present.

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Besides, you don't need me cramping your style, do you?

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You've got a good head on your shoulders.

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You make sure you use it.

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Dad, are you all right?

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Happy Christmas.

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MUSIC: I Believe In Father Christmas by Greg Lake

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Whit.

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L's got something she wants to say to you.

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I might have gone a bit overboard with some of my suggestions.

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Silk napkins?

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-You don't expect us to have paper ones, do you?

-L.

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Look, I'm sure that whatever you and Lee have got planned will be lovely.

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Yeah, and what I will say is I can't wait to smash that Arctic roll.

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-Is that really a thing? I thought that was a joke.

-L!

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Who can resist a bit of ice cream and sponge on Christmas Day, eh?

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Hey, have you seen who's over there?

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Yeah, just ignore them.

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What can I get you?

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An orange juice, a rum and a pint of bitter, please.

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-Del. No hard feelings, eh?

-No hard feelings?

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OK, just leave it, Patrick. They're not worth it.

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Denise is right. You lot ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

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-Yeah, all right, L, easy.

-That goes for you and all, Mick.

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Lee and Whitney lost a baby earlier this year

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and if it wasn't for the doctors and nurses in that maternity ward,

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we'd have fallen apart.

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I mean, they're in that place working every hour God sends and for what?

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Hospitals are closing left, right and centre and yet you're all

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sat there too selfish to give a little bit back.

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Listen. Derek.

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If you still want to do this thing, roll me in, yeah?

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Yeah, me an' all.

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We've got an hour, all right?

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So we'd better get our kit on, cos we've got a show to do!

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Yeah, all right, Linda. I'll get him there as soon as I can.

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Right, you better go upstairs and get your crutch.

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The play's back on.

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Phil?

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I was just going to lock up for the night.

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I'll stick the kettle on, then, shall I?

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BELL RINGS

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What am I supposed to say to him?

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Nothing. You've got the power, remember.

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Mince pie, anyone?

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Kathy, I need my cloak.

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I've only got one pair of hands, all right?

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Has anyone seen my bonnet?

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-Abi! Abi! It must be back there somewhere!

-Well, it ain't.

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Yeah, Kath, what it is, you ain't got a spare needle and thread?

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-I've split my crutch again.

-I'll do it.

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Just patch it up as best you can, all right?

0:18:450:18:48

No phones backstage. Derek's orders.

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I thought Kim might've left a message from Montserrat, you see.

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She's probably on the beach sipping a pina colada.

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They reckon it's a full house tonight.

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Yeah, I think word got around about Kush doing

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a nose-dive off the scenery.

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Why ain't Phil here yet? Mum's waiting for him out front.

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I'm sure he'll get here when he can.

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Right. Derek's looking for you.

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Is everything all right?

0:19:080:19:10

It's a time like this you remember you're on your own, don't you?

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Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that.

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I couldn't miss your big moment, could I?

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Right. Places everybody, please. Come on.

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MUSIC: Carol of the Bells

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Merry Christmas, Uncle!

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What's that miserable mush all about, eh?

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He's changed my lines again, ain't he?

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It's a time to be merry. Get a few scoops down you.

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Merry? I'll tell you what Christmas is, shall I?

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It's a time for finding yourself a year older and not a penny richer.

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That is what it is.

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Why don't you come and dine with us tomorrow?

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Cos the missus, she's cooked up a terrific bird.

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Humbug.

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I put an extra sugar in it.

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Cos you look as though you need it. Watch your hand.

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I thought you'd be with Sharon.

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You know, watching Dennis and Louise in their Christmas play.

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I didn't feel like it.

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So you thought you'd take refuge in here instead?

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No, I just needed somewhere quiet to wrap this, that's all.

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Are you sure that was the only reason?

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I just said, didn't I?

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I remember seeing Peggy, your mother, you know,

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just before she died.

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And she had that same look in her eye.

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I think you've been inhaling too much detergent, Dot.

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-DOT CHUCKLES

-I am praying for you.

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Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, but it ain't working.

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Perhaps I'm praying the wrong way.

0:21:140:21:17

I mean, I know it's hard, but you've got to be strong.

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I'm dying, Dot.

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You mustn't say that.

0:21:230:21:25

Yeah, well, it's true, though, ain't it?

0:21:250:21:28

I mean, you mustn't give up. Sharon hasn't.

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And neither have your children.

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Which is why they need to forget about me

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and just get on with their lives.

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And what do you mean by that?

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Well, I'm just holding them back, that's all.

0:21:400:21:43

They love you, Phil.

0:21:430:21:45

I don't want them to see me like this, Dot.

0:21:470:21:50

Look at me. Look.

0:21:520:21:54

I can't do it any more.

0:21:580:22:00

TRAIN RUMBLES OVERHEAD

0:22:020:22:04

They're coming!

0:22:060:22:07

You sit yourself down there, Tiny Tim.

0:22:110:22:14

Can we bring out the goose now? Mother's excelled herself this year.

0:22:150:22:19

I've seen better cuts of meat at McClunky's.

0:22:200:22:23

AUDIENCE LAUGH

0:22:230:22:24

That's all they could afford.

0:22:240:22:27

Tell me about the little boy.

0:22:270:22:30

Why, his mobility is impaired, poor thing.

0:22:300:22:34

-And will he live?

-I see an empty seat.

0:22:340:22:37

If these shadows of the future remain unaltered,

0:22:370:22:41

the child will die.

0:22:410:22:43

I propose a toast. To Mr Scrooge.

0:22:440:22:48

The founder of our feast.

0:22:480:22:50

You're having a laugh, ain't you?

0:22:500:22:52

I'd give him a piece of my mind if he was here now, the old skinflint.

0:22:520:22:55

My dear. The children.

0:22:550:22:57

Well, I'll drink to his health for your sake, not his.

0:22:570:23:01

A Merry Christmas. His will be a very merry one indeed.

0:23:010:23:04

And God bless us, everyone!

0:23:040:23:05

MUSIC: Our House by Madness

0:23:050:23:09

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

0:23:110:23:14

You know, I've been thinking. Peggy was a bit of a coward.

0:23:230:23:28

You what?

0:23:290:23:31

Well, the Peggy I knew

0:23:310:23:33

would've fought that cancer with every fibre of her being.

0:23:330:23:37

Well, then, maybe I'm my mother's son.

0:23:370:23:40

What do you mean by that?

0:23:400:23:42

I mean, I want them to remember me for the man I was.

0:23:420:23:47

Not what this has turned me into.

0:23:470:23:50

My Jim - he fought that stroke until his last breath.

0:23:520:23:57

But then, he was more of a man than you.

0:23:570:24:00

Cheers for the tea.

0:24:050:24:08

Phil...

0:24:110:24:12

..God be with you.

0:24:150:24:16

That means goodbye.

0:24:180:24:20

Come on, Kush. Don't mess this up.

0:24:360:24:39

Leave him alone. He's trying his best, ain't he?

0:24:390:24:42

You were saying?

0:24:420:24:45

Tell me, Spirit. Why have you brought me to the churchyard?

0:24:450:24:49

Wonderful, isn't he?

0:24:490:24:51

Well, answer me, man!

0:24:510:24:54

Am I the man who lies here?

0:25:070:25:11

Why show me this if I am past all hope?

0:25:170:25:22

What can be a worse fate than lying in the ground unloved and forgotten?

0:25:220:25:28

Please, tell me I can rid the writings from this stone.

0:25:300:25:36

WILD APPLAUSE

0:25:460:25:49

-Get in!

-You were fantastic. Well done, everyone.

0:25:580:26:01

Don't forget - tomorrow night's the real test.

0:26:010:26:03

-We want to go out on a high, don't we, eh?

-Right.

0:26:030:26:06

I think a few lagers are in order, what do you reckon?

0:26:060:26:08

Before you do that, I'd like to say something first.

0:26:080:26:11

You know, when I had my stroke,

0:26:140:26:15

I never thought I'd leave the house again.

0:26:150:26:18

You're an inspiration to us all, Patrick.

0:26:180:26:20

-Hear, hear.

-There's two things I never thought I'd do.

0:26:200:26:24

Perform again.

0:26:240:26:26

And what's the second one?

0:26:260:26:28

Buy a round of drinks.

0:26:300:26:31

So whatever you all want, the first drink is on me.

0:26:330:26:36

And well done - not a drink in sight.

0:26:440:26:47

Derek, I meant to ask you.

0:26:490:26:51

What are you doing on Christmas Day?

0:26:510:26:53

Well, my daughter's away and my son's at his in-laws.

0:26:530:26:55

I thought I'd treat myself to a plum brandy and a nice film on the box.

0:26:550:26:59

How would you like to spend the day with me, Libby and Denise?

0:26:590:27:03

I don't know what to say.

0:27:040:27:06

I should warn you, though. We've got a vegan.

0:27:060:27:09

-Thank you.

-I'll tell you, Earl was a lucky man.

0:27:090:27:13

Someone's been busy.

0:27:230:27:24

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's Christmas, ain't it?

0:27:240:27:26

So you've got to make an effort, ain't you?

0:27:260:27:28

I don't think we've been introduced. Craig Washington.

0:27:280:27:31

-I've just moved in with my girlfriend.

-Lee Carter.

0:27:310:27:33

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you back.

0:27:330:27:36

Actually, mate, I don't suppose you took delivery of

0:27:360:27:38

a parcel the other day, did you?

0:27:380:27:40

It was a VR headset.

0:27:430:27:44

The courier reckoned he delivered it to someone in the flats.

0:27:440:27:47

No, I can't help you, mate. Sorry.

0:27:470:27:49

It's just it was a gift for my nephew.

0:27:490:27:51

Well, I'll tell you what, if it turns up, I'll give you a shout.

0:27:520:27:56

You said he'd be there.

0:28:020:28:04

Dad was acting really weird in the caff earlier.

0:28:060:28:08

Why? What did he say?

0:28:080:28:10

It wasn't anything he said. He just seemed different, that's all.

0:28:100:28:14

Your father's a law unto himself.

0:28:170:28:18

-What you got there?

-It's from Dad.

0:28:220:28:25

Phil?

0:28:250:28:26

Wait here.

0:28:290:28:33

Where the hell have you been?

0:28:340:28:37

Denny is devastated.

0:28:370:28:39

The least you can do is go upstairs and apologise.

0:28:390:28:42

I'm not staying.

0:28:420:28:43

What're you talking about?

0:28:430:28:46

Just go and enjoy your Christmas. And don't worry about me.

0:28:460:28:50

What's that supposed to mean?

0:28:500:28:52

I just can't stay here.

0:28:540:28:57

It's better for everyone this way.

0:29:000:29:03

You know, I had you down for a lot of things, but

0:29:030:29:05

a coward weren't one of them.

0:29:050:29:06

Just let me go. Please.

0:29:060:29:08

Fine. Walk out that door. Because, do you know what?

0:29:080:29:12

I'm sick of you feeling sorry for yourself.

0:29:120:29:15

We have done everything to try and help you here.

0:29:160:29:19

-And I appreciate it.

-No, you don't. Or you would stay here and fight it.

0:29:190:29:23

Well, go on. Don't let us hold you back.

0:29:250:29:29

Go off and die for all I care, because I'm done with you.

0:29:290:29:32

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